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maxine @sweetbirthdaybaby

did i ever tell yall ab the time i passed out drunk in an alleyway and the actual spiderman found me and brought me home? bc that was so funny

 

amy @calcgenius

WHAT RHE FUCK MAX. r u ok tho???????

 

maxine @sweetbirthdaybaby

yeah im fine lmao- i only regret telling him his arms were nice repeatedly. he started laughing mid way through tho so it was ok ig

 

spidey @spiderman

oh yeah i remember u!!! thank u for the compliment it was very funny. stay safe!!!

 

maxine @sweetbirthdaybaby

this is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me

 

amy @calcgenius

ok but how nice were his arms tho 👀

 

maxine @sweetbirthdaybaby

he could b like 12 amy don't be gross

 

amy @calcgenius

damn ur kinda right :/ ill just thirst over tony starks arms until further notice

 

-

 

deigo @aquaknife

max has a good point tho… how old is spiderman @STARK @spiderman

 

spidey @spiderman

listen,,, i cant tell u bc itll risk my identity but im over the age of 16 and under the age of 20

 

Tony Stark @STARK

What he’s saying here is that he’s baby.

 

spidey @spiderman

i deeply regret showing you memes

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I already knew what memes were. You just ASSUMED that I didn't. I just like spending time with you so I didnt say anything.

 

spidey @spiderman

how are u going to roast me and make me cry in one tweet

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Easily.

 

diego @aquaknife

alright so im printing this thread and attaching it to all of my resumes now.

 

-

 

Amanda @iampunk

spiderman is making me question everything. So ur telling me. a boy 17-19. is an AVENGER. how and what the fuck.

 

Todd @MexicanFuneral

ikr? is he genuinely a spider or what because like… can i be an avenger too???????

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

You probably can’t

 

Todd @MexicanFuneral

yes ma’am.

 

Amanda @iampunk

did. did my gay awakening just reply to my shithead brother or am i dreaming

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

It's a pleasure to be here

 

Amanda @iampunk

miss widow i am on one knee

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Put the other one down and beg then

 

Amanda @iampunk

mark me down as scared AND horny

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

But isn’t that the best way to be?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Don’t you have a girlfriend? Stop leading them on you absolute savage.

 

Todd @MexicanFuneral

what the fuck is happening here on this day

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Way to out me.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Oh fuck

 

Amanda @iampunk

A$&!&AJFUAHRH @^!^$^!???????.?...

 

-

 

Buzzfeed News @BuzzfeedNews

Is The Black Widow Our New Queer Icon?

 

Devon @DEVONDUNE

Okay that’s hot an all but honestly kind of worrying. I keep hearing ab it on the news. If a kid hears this they'll think it's okay for superheros to be gay.

 

nico @scottstotts

oh eat shit Devon. every superhero is lgbt.

 

dani @ultralightsapphic

yeah eat shit devin. lesbians arent a fetish. we’re real people.

 

-

 

jake @bibibi9

w all of this ‘black widow is lgbt’ talk it has me thinking……… who else is a gay superhero

 

Rosa @axeweilding

i just assume all of them are until they come out and say otherwise because fuck the whole straight & cis it default.

 

jake @bibibi9

you’re absolutely right. my life just got so much better under the idea that thor is mlm

 

gina @linetti

nah. thor is wlw.

 

jocelyn @lovegrls

you absolute fool. thor is nb.

 

gina @linetti

you are the only bitch in this house that ive ever respected.

 

Rosa @axeweilding

so……… pepper potts just liked my tweet

 

jake @bibibi9

OGH MY GODS???@?$@’

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

WHAT KINDA SCOOBY DOO BULLSHIT WAS THAT

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Is this referring to what just happened in the kitchen or am I missing something?

 

spidey @spiderman

YES IM REFERRING TO EHAT HAPPENED IN THE KITCHEN GOD UM

 

melonfucker @nthnyng

what happened in the kitchen

 

spidey @spiderman

ok so me and mr. banner were trying to make this asguardian pie for thor and some of the other asguardians as a welcoming gift right

 

Kelly @readurmind

Okay, Pure.

 

spidey @spiderman

and i guess we were making it wrong bc midway through the HULK COMES OUT AND STARTS FIXING IT

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Is that what happened? I thought I might've gotten shot or something.

 

spidey @spiderman

YOU THOUGHT WHAT NOW

 

spidey @spiderman

alright, moving on from that worrying statement, so me and the actual real life hulk finished making the pie and now its in the oven

 

Janet @notacactus

i thought the hulk only knew how to fight???huh

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

The Hulk is… Complicated.

 

spidey @spiderman

i kinda love him tho

 

spidey @spiderman

okie dokey so now were waiting for this pie to finish cooking n me and mr banner will go and give it to the asguardians .

 

luka @ironheart

this is so??? cute???? idk much ab asguard or anything but like… theyre being so sweet

 

Deby @deb

so like are these dudes refugees or are they just visiting for shits and giggles

 

sasha @Clarke

I heard their planet was destroyed by Thors sister so…

 

Deby @deb

It really be like that sometimes

 

[ twenty minutes later ]

 

spidey @spiderman

yall it's Done

 

dirk @agentgently

please live tweet this

 

spidey @spiderman

oh you know i am

 

dirk @agentgently

thank you for my life spider-man

 

spidey @spiderman

alright im bringing it out to them

 

spidey @spiderman

GUYS I JUST MET THOR AND HES SO BEAUTIFUL

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Tell me about it!

 

angel emoji @medusahead

this is so gay i love it

 

spidey @spiderman

thor, God of thunder, asked me if i wanted to give it to everyone personally im going to lose my marbles

 

delilah @heythere

ive seen pictures of thor and that alone made me risk it all i cant imagine what he looks like irl

 

spidey @spiderman

HIS ACCENT IS SO NICE TOO

 

delilah @heythere

WHAT KIND OF ACCENT DOES HE HAVEUFUSJF

 

spidey @spiderman

strangely enough… australian

 

delilah @heythere

oh my FUCKING GOD???????????

 

spidey @spiderman

ALL THE ASGUARDIANS ARE SO KIND IM AB TO CRY

 

spidey @spiderman

IM TALKING TO THIS ONE GIRL NOW AND HER NAME IS LITERALLY KOA. LIKE A KOA FISH UHHH.

 

angel emoji @medusahead

I forgot to ask but what does an asguardian pie even have in it

 

spidey @spiderman

honestly its a mixture of so much stuff but i had some and it's…….. so good. there's like blueberries and pineapple in there with this weird flour idek

 

leah @flaminghotcheetos

tell us about koa!!!!

 

spidey @spiderman

oh well idk what shed be comfortable w but shes around my age and shes super nice!! ive been talking to her and her 4 brothers for a few minutes now and they're all so sweet

 

spidey @spiderman

im really glad someone like thor is the one looking after all these people because every single one has been more than thankful and kind to me. i don't know all of the details but i truly feel that none of them deserve this

 

spidey @spiderman

also side note they're all so pretty i think asguardians are all born stunning or smth i think it's their dna

 

leah @flaminghotcheetos

guys… i think i stan spiderman

 

delilah @heythere

I KNOW ME TOO HES BABY

 

Corey @deadlydude

i get big bi vibes from him tbh

 

quen @queenquen

spiders are gay culture


Chapter Text

Tony Stark @STARK

Alright me and Natasha have been talking for a good while and she says she never said she was straight in the first place. I have never apologized this much in my life.

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

I was kind of joking when I said Tony outed me. It's alright guys. Calm yourselves.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I am so stressed out

 

r @bloodline

no cops at pride just tony stark and his iron suit

 

jake @bibibi9

as a member of the nypd…… yes

 

r @bloodline

oh fuck a cop everyone hide ur weed

 

jake @bibibi9

HDAJDJANDJ

 

-

 

vanya @whiteviola

i cant be the only person wondering who black widows gf is right? which one of us wlws is That Lucky

 

david @omgchipotle

I KNOWW!!!!!! every time i see a pretty, deadly looking girl my mind is immediately like “tht could be black widows gf and i wouldnt know”

 

jane h @letsgolesbians

glad im not the only one who thinks that ohmy

 

vanya @whiteviola

me and my gf helen have been freaking out since it all happened.. my brother made black widow pins with the lesbian flag on it and gave it to her and she Cried

 

jane h @letsgolesbians

that's cute and all but tell ur brother to make more and send me one asap

 

klaus @theseance

thank you for promoting my new business sev!!

 

vanya @whiteviola

do anything sketchy w that new money and ill come after you. you know i can.

 

klaus @theseance

yeah yeah love u too

 

-

 

Buzzfeed News @BuzzfeedNews

Is Spider-man another LGBT+ Superhero?

 

ned @gitc

honey, you gotta big storm comin.

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

i love my life sometimes

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

alright so ppl are asking ab my sexuality bc i called thor and every asguardian beautiful

 

spidey @spiderman

which honestly is kind of bullshit, pardon my language, because even a 1000% straight man can see thor and every asguardian is beautiful

 

spidey @spiderman

men should be allowed to appreciate other men without people making assumptions. eyes exist. tell ur bros their handsome as hell. hug ur friends. platonically kiss them if their comfortable w that. nothing matters.

 

spidey @spiderman

everyone can see that thor is beautiful. he has sparkling eyes and a heart of gold. i want to be his best friend. so what.

 

spidey @spiderman

now.

 

spidey @spiderman

with all that being said i am also very bi but that doesn't erase everything i said before.

 

-

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

Why doesn't anyone text me before making huge announcements. I'm going to lose my mind.

 

-

 

ellie @oldesttwin

OH????? MY GODDDDDD?????????DHSJJDJ

 

spiderman says bi rights! @2009telephone

GAYS WIN GAYS WIN GAYS WIN GAYS WIN

 

xin @yahoostan

SPIDER-MAN IS BISEXUAL

BLACK WIDOW IS WLW

SPIDER-MAN IS BISEXUAL

BLACK WIDOW IS WLW

SPIDER-MAN IS BISEXUAL

BLACK WIDOW IS WLW

 

-

 

Savvy @SavHa

damn I really liked Spider-man too ://

 

greg @idklarry

the biphobia JUMPED out w this tweet lmao

 

Savvy @SavHa

it's just my opinion. bisexual men always cheat. I don't want to support a cheater

 

what's going on @heyeyeyeyey

hi! bi man here, happily married! never thought about cheating once in our entire relationship but :) go :) off :) ig :)

 

-

 

ally @yobama

maybe im sobbing over the whole black widow & spider-man being lgbt+ like.. it clarifies so much to me about the avengers bc i know they're all incredible people but u really don't know until something like this happens and u feel so… idk? fulfilled?

 

leo @ironfamily

i know exactly what ur saying. it just makes u feel a little bit safer knowing for a fact that there's heros looking out for u

 

ally @yobama

oh god oh fuck im crying again

Chapter Text

h @keener

sup fuckers ex dee

 

spidey @spiderman

you did not just type out XD that way

 

h @keener

but i did. what're u gonna do about it. punk.

 

spidey @spiderman

i am just a littel creatchure

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

why am i friends with you

 

spidey @spiderman

how dare you

 

Tony Stark @STARK

You know each other????????????????

 

h @keener

only bc u mentioned him to me 25 times sayin how good of pals we would be

 

spidey @spiderman

mr stark.. did u really think i wouldn't go looking for him?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

My worlds are colliding right now.

 

h @keener

i still don't know what he looks like tho so :(

 

spidey @spiderman

my face is Confidential, Actually.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

It better be, kid. It better be.

 

h @keener

cant a gay just get some CONTENT

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

i said it once ill say it again. i love my life.

 

ned @gitc

our squad is superior

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

ned i am so close to blocking you

 

-

 

zachariah @gettingadivorce

uh.. who the fuck are all those kids

 

charlie @daymanaaah

and why are they all gay

 

carly @eyecarly

[fuck them kids.png]

 

zachariah @gettingadivorce

fr though why does tony mf stark know so many teenagers? i smell a conspiracy theory

 

-

 

ELAINA @starkslut

can we talk real quick ab how relatable all of tonys tweets have been recently

 

ELAINA @starkslut

like, “my worlds are colliding” is already So Good, but just yesterday we were blessed with “i am so stressed out” and “oh fuck” like…. where are my memes quoting that tweet. where are they.

 

september @douremember

I KNOWWW… wait a min lemme make a tweet real quick

 

-

 

september @douremember

me:

nobody:

literally nothing:

nothing at all:

my brain:

 

(Quoted Tweet)

[  Tony Stark @STARK

    I am so stressed out ]

27.1k Retweets 59.2k Likes

|

september @douremember

ok this blew up uh,,, stan tony stark

 

-

 

Under my umbrella @ellaellaeheheh

TONY STARK CALLING SPIDEY “KID” IS SOMETHING I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED

 

boots w th fur @she_hit_the_flow

ON JAH IM CRYIN A LIL OVER THIS..

 

spidey stan @whtvr.a.spideystan

list of kids TS may or may not know:

-spidey

-“h”

-ned

-mj

possibly more

 

zahn @looooove

i would rather loki stab me then know that many teenagers. praying for my dude ironman

 

kali @riverpheonixxx

i would rather loki stab me period end of sentence

 

zahn @looooove

didnt he… overthrow ny

 

kali @riverpheonixxx

he can overthrow me anytime. (im p sure he was under mind control lmaofhsjfj)

 

zahn @looooove

incredible. fucking love twitter

 

-

 

ELAINA @starkslut

maybe im infinity brain but ume. all of tonys ‘kids’ are lgbtq and we know he has that homeless lgbtq side building going on and im crying thinking about what that might mean for him to know them

 

juce @bittaflexin

GOD I HOPE THAT ISNT THE CASE BUT IF IT IS.IM UGLY CRYING

 

mateo @gilllwm

ELAINA WHAT HAVEBYOU DONE I DOJT WANNA THINK AB THAT

 

ELAINA @starkslut

i cant be the only one whos mind went there man

 

-

 

Flash @lightningboltflash

What the actual fuck

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

guys im going to call @keener in a second and im really excited to hear his voice

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

dot dot dot

 

spidey @spiderman

watch it mj

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

ballsy move for a man that cried watching a music video last night

 

spidey @spiderman

LITERALLY HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

i know everything.

 

ned @gitc

be real here spidey you brought this onto yourself

 

spidey @spiderman

yeah well i learned it from peter

 

ned @gitc

im sure you did

 

Flash @lightningboltflash

?????????????????

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

HE SAID YALL IN A NON MEME WAY GUYST.. HE SAID Y A L L

 

h @keener

i will force you to say ‘get outta here’ if you keep talking shit

 

spidey @spiderman

alright. point taken.

 

h @keener

it probably wouldnt even work w ur voice

 

spidey @spiderman

what is that supposed to mean

 

h @keener

this dude talks like !! ʰⁱ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵒⁿᵉ !!

 

spidey @spiderman

I DO NOT

 

ned @gitc

…… i never thought of it that way but.. yeah

 

spidey @spiderman

i am: betrayed.

 

-

 

riley @webheadd5

so NOT ONLY is spidey adorable but he SOUNDS cute too???? dear lord. idk what his face looks like but rn he seems like a dream

 

-

 

deanne @annwad

who's Peter

 

-

 

Conspiracy @ConspiracyMan

I went looking for the mentioned “Peter” in Spider-mans recent tweet, and I found that almost every Avenger is following someone by that name, aswell as Spider-man himself.

 

Gyllen @NotGyllenhaal

Okay but drop the @ tho

 

Conspiracy @ConspiracyMan

@peterparker

 

best intern @peterparker

im just an intern omg

 

Gyllen @NotGyllenhaal

You're 17 and you intern at SI?

 

best intern @peterparker

yeah lol

 

Gyllen @NotGyllenhaal

Are you super rich or super smart

 

best intern @peterparker

I've been known to know things

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

peter is a dumbass in general but hes good at science and tony saved him once. that's all u need to know.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

? When did I save Pete ?

 

best intern @peterparker

wow good one mj

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

he.. he doesnt know?

 

best intern @peterparker

NO HE DOESNT KNOW

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Boy you better answer

 

ned @gitc

*peter's bout 2 get his ass BEAT*

 

best intern @peterparker

you remember saving a kid from a hammer drone a long time ago? like, over 7 years ago? i was wearing the iron man mask?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Yeah. I remember that. Ok. Cool. Absolutely Fine. Great.

 

-

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

Anybody want to tell me Why tony is teary eyed staring at his phone orrrr

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

guys i fell asleep what happened

 

h @keener

you talked about peter dumbass

 

spidey @spiderman

oh fuck lmao is he ok

 

h @keener

parker? oh yea hes fine. worry ab tony

 

spidey @spiderman

t...tony?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I am so… There are no words.

 

spidey @spiderman

i just read the thread and damn fam u didnt know?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I'm so close to disowning you.

 

spidey @spiderman

ahdhahsjfhsjfhajfhdh you aren't my dad

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

DOT DOT DOT

 

spidey @spiderman

F-WORD OFF MJ

 

h @keener

spidey. baby. why don't you swear on here. u have a sailors mouth irl.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I've never heard him swear

 

h @keener

‘hozier is so fucking pretty’

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

“all i did was FUCKING BREATHE”

 

ned @gitc

“ned you silly slut. bologna is spelled like pony with a b. i don't give a shit.”

 

spidey @spiderman

i said none of this

 

Tony Stark @STARK

You definitely said all of this.

 

ophelia @heavenly

baby, huh?

 

dave @onacracker

I NOTICED THAT TOO OMGG

 

-

 

ophelia @heavenly

#keeney or #spideener

 

craig @owoseni

what's that

 

ophelia @heavenly

spidey + keener

 

craig @owoseni

his name is just h on twt so why not hidey

 

ophelia @heavenly

oh fuck that's cute

 

-

 

haley @wastelandbabie

i really wanna hear spider-man call hozier “fucking pretty” with my own two ears please

 

-

 

( Hozier Liked )

[  h @keener

     ‘hozier is so fucking pretty’ ]

-

 

spidey @spiderman

i am but a spider in the mud and hozier is my king

 

-

 

shia @braisedBEEF

i want spidey's spotify asap

 

Cosmo @goodngreen

apple music is better

 

shia @braisedBEEF

some of us are POOR, cosmo

 

Cosmo @goodngreen

we have the exact same check but okay

 

shia @braisedBEEF

sorry for being frugal then

Chapter Text

wilis @mlmthor

i want to know what the avengers voices sound like but my ears be like (deaf noises)

 

karl @saltnpepperdine

DEAF NOISESDFFHJDGY

 

Clint @Hawkeye

Ain't that a fat mood.

 

wilis @mlmthor

WHAT NOW

 

karl @saltnpepperdine

yeah you would say that

 

wilis @mlmthor

i fucking hate you

 

-

 

karomo @souljaboutellem

Hawkeye is deaf?????????????

 

trey @bbgametmrw

When Where What Why Who

 

karomo @souljaboutellem

[screenshot]

 

trey @bbgametmrw

:O

 

-

 

Buzzfeed News @BuzzfeedNews

Is The Avengers’ Hawkey deaf?

 

Clint @Hawkeye

I didn't think this wasn't common knowledge. I'm deaf as hell.

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Does literally everything have to be spelled out for you people? Almost every Avenger has some form of disability in one way or another.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

the general public assumes things all the time.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Wait when tf did you get a Twitter?

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

secret.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Bucky Bitch Barnes, everyone.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

the audacity

 

Tony Stark @STARK

WHO TAUGHT HIM THAT

 

yeet @shuri

oop oh shit haha

 

-

 

kay @burnbabyburn

every???? avenger??? has some??? form??? of?? disability????????

 

call me big PaPa @ThrowUrHandsInTheAir

yeah im tryna figure out what that means too

 

style @lightsabernoises

they don't look disabled

 

kay @burnbabyburn

there's no such thing as looking disabled

 

style @lightsabernoises

you know what I meant

 

kay @burnbabyburn

actually uh i dont

 

-

 

h @keener

now that im thinkin ab it…. tony is right

 

best intern @peterparker

yeah same ig i never noticed? idk

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

sometimes i hate being a mutant but then i can carry really big dogs and i feel okay again

 

ophelia @heavenly

you're a mutant?

 

spidey @spiderman

have you been on youtube?? ive lifted cars before

 

h @keener

you fucking did what now

 

spidey @spiderman

im stronk

 

h @keener

glad you have it because it's going to take an ungodly amount of strength to lift my mind out of the gutter w this new information

 

spidey @spiderman

DSKSHDKSSJ

 

-

 

maxine @sweetbirthdaybaby

  1. keener just dmed me asking what spider-mans arms look like we-

 

maxine @sweetbirthdaybaby

does he not know there are so many pictures & videos of the guy already

 

h @keener

way to expose me. wow. but thank u for reminding me.

 

-

 

h @keener

g..gay…. im

 

h @keener

.. homosexual

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

pray for my man keener he just discovered google images

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Today has been... eventful. To say the least.

 

-

 

h @keener

some of yall have never been hugged by steve rogers and it shows

 

spidey @spiderman

I WANT A HUG FROM MR STEVE NOW

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

he hasn't hugged you yet???

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Deadass?

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

He hasn't hugged you yet?

 

Clint @Hawkeye

Wait, you're telling me he HASN'T hugged you yet?

 

Falcon @samwilson

His hugs are… pretty damn good.

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

Usually you get a Steve Roger's Hug™ a week after knowing him.

 

NF @FURY

Even I've been hugged by him.

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Genuinely shocked. He's sitting next to me. Should I tell him to go hug you?

 

spidey @spiderman

YES PLEASE DO THAT

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

i just saw him leave. he's on his way. nothing can stop him now.

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

WOW WHAT AN EXPERIENCE

 

spidey @spiderman

my guardian opened the door expecting our pizza but it was just Captian Freaking America and she screamed So Loud so i go running out and literally

 

spidey @spiderman

he just looks at me, says “hi [redacted]”, hugs me, nods at my guardian, and then leaves.

 

spidey @spiderman

how the hell was he so warm it's like 10 degrees outside

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

steve's always been a mini heater

 

spidey @spiderman

on god ive never felt so safe in my life

 

Tony Stark @STARK

alright I'm going to pretend that doesn't sting a little. I mean, I do agree with you.

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

I don't like hugs unless it's from my s/o but Steve's? Oh man. You expect it to be uncomfortable because of how muscular he is but it's just nice.

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

you have an s/o??????

 

-

 

jenny @ruin_our_friendship

BRUCE BANNER HAS AN S/O??????

 

-

 

nina @castaneda

i really want a Steve Rogers Hug™ now

 

-

 

bbg gabe @footlettuce

did tony stark just tweet “deadass”

 

-

 

hailey @bedtimes

are spiderman and keener dating or what





Chapter Text

yeet @shuri

how do you ask out a girl

 

T'challa @blackpanther

does my sister have a crush??

 

yeet @shuri

your sister is ab to release a certain video of you falling over if you keep talking

 

T'challa @blackpanther

point taken

 

ella @undermyumbrella

you're a genius princess. what girl in their right mind WOULDN'T want to date u.

 

yeet @shuri

that is good input but i really just don't know how to . just ask

 

yeet @shuri

like do i just say randomly ‘hey wanna b my gf’? do i take her out to dinner? what if she thinks it's platonic?

 

saw taylor swift x2 @wefoundwonderland

do you know she likes girls?

 

yeet @shuri

im positive

 

saw taylor swift x2 @wefoundwonderland

and does she know you like girls?

 

yeet @shuri

uhhhhhhhh im sure ive mentioned it before

 

saw taylor swift x2 @wefoundwonderland

just be like “ugh i wish i had a gf” and then if shes like most wlw shell b like “me too” and then.. offer

 

yeet @shuri

BUT WHAT IF SHE SAYS NO

 

aurora @avera

then she says no and u move on

 

yeet @shuri

but i don't want to ruin our friendship:((

 

best intern @peterparker

even if she says no it wont change anything. u know how she is

 

yeet @shuri

im NERVOUS okay

 

best intern @peterparker

shuri. i know she wont say no.

 

yeet @shuri

RAAAAHGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

 

yeet @shuri

ive never asked out anyone before this is so nerve wracking

 

-

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

I am dating someone. Sorry I forgot to mention that.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Is it who I texted you thinking it was?

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Yes. Don't tell.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Alright 1) good job! 2) I saw this coming 3) I wont.

 

spidey @spiderman

omg WHO IS IT

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

Yeah I want to know too!!!!

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

I saw it coming way before Tony did. Just to clarify.

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

that clarifies nothing

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

OHH

 

Falcon @samwilson

for real? I'm hurt. Who is it.

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

I'll text it in the group chat one second I got to go ask them if it's okay.

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Alright check the chat

 

spidey @spiderman

IM NOT IN THE CHAT.

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Why aren't you in the chat? I'll add you.

 

spidey @spiderman

thank u mr banner

 

spidey @spiderman

HOLY SHIT REALLY

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Lmao

 

Tony Stark @STARK

You know you could've just typed out their name instead of that disgustingly cute selfie.

 

yeet @shuri

spidey you BETTER text me that selfie

 

yeet @shuri

that's… that's so fucking cute

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

you both look so happy. me and stevie are crying in the club rn.

 

yeet @shuri

that meme is a little old but im still proud of you

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Says the girl whose name is Yeet.

 

yeet @shuri

fuck you it's making a comeback

 

h @keener

I WAS IN SCHOOL WHO IS BRUCE DATING

 

h @keener

OH YM GOD U TWO DESERVE EVERYTHING

 

-

 

Pop Buzz @PopBuzz

Who is Bruce Banner, The Hulk, dating?

 

shia @kissmethruthphone

i love that they put all women on the list when at no point did bruce say tht he has a gf

 

delilah @heythere

fr NOBODY used she/her pronouns during the entire (very large) thread

 

daz @dazzling

are the straights okay™?

 

Josh @joshdunham

I don't know about that one cheif

 

delilah @heythere

why do you say that Josh. huh.

 

Josh @joshdunham

The Hulk is obviously not gay

 

daz @dazzling

bruce banner can date whoever he wants fuck u

 

-

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Is it considered polyamory if you're two people?

 

Shane Medej @shalexandej

NEXT TIME ON UNSOLVED

 

karolina @shaniac4life

YES PELASREEEEEE

 

damien @goldsworthy

is the hulk dating ur s/o too???????

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

They're fond of each other. I don't know if Hulk is even capable of being in a relationship.

 

damien @goldsworthy

alright who the fuck is bruce dating that they're ‘fond’ of the hulk.

 

molly @wincnarider

the real question is WHO IS THE HULK FOND OF??????

 

-

 

yeet @shuri

im going to ask her out today.

 

yeet @shuri

nvm i saw her contact pic on my phone and i got overwhelmed

 

best intern @peterparker

if you ask her out through the phone she'll say yes but be kinda pissed off js

 

yeet @shuri

you want me to fly out to america just to ask out this girl?

 

ned @gitc

omg please do she'll be so happy

 

best intern @peterparker

or as happy as she can be yk

 

yeet @shuri

guys i freaked out seeing her Picture do you understand how much of a wreak ill be if i see her in PERSON???

 

spidey @spiderman

DO IT

 

yeet @shuri

okay i have the tickets ill be there tomorrow

 

ned @gitc

wait can she see this thread

 

yeet @shuri

no i blocked her from all of these tweets

 

best intern @peterparker

IM SO EXCITED

 

-

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

Can you all PLEASE text me before these announcements. PLEASE.





Chapter Text

ned @gitc

the spidey suit doesnt give his abs justice, js.

 

h @keener

much to think about.

 

oli @africabypitbull

how do.. how do you know what his abs look like

 

ned @gitc

he was changing out of his suit and i was there lol

 

oli @africabypitbull

bruh so he got naked in front of u?

 

ned @gitc

NO omg he was still wearing underwear he was just changing fhsjfjsjdahhwja

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

ok but why was he changing in front of you

 

ned @gitc

ill text u the story but basically he was in a hurry

 

spidey @spiderman

i was going to ask why you wouldn't say on twt but then i went over the story in my head and..  yeah that doesnt sound good

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

LMAOO HDDHSHHSGA

 

mj @lesbianmessiah  

it didnt sound good over text with context either by the way

 

ned @gitc

STOPDH

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I'm going to kill you @keener

 

h @keener

i mean go ahead but why

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I don't like how accepting you are to that, but it's because you sang that weird horse song for 10 minutes straight and now it's stuck in my head

 

h @keener

WAIT YOU-

 

h @keener

I CANT BREAATHEEEEEEE

 

h @keener

im so fucking powerful

 

Tony Stark @STARK

“I got the horses in the back” has been on loop for THREE GOD DAMN HOURS in my mind. And I'm going to kill you.

 

h @keener

we're connected <3



-

 

shiatsu @doglvr

KEENER GOT OLD TOWN ROAD STUCK IN TONY STARKS HEAD IM PEEEEING

 

Gaysby @gatsbyisgay

imagine tony stark trying to focus, his eyes welling up with tears. “what's wrong?” bruce asks. tony slams his fists on the table, and through gritted teeth, he says “i got the horses in the back.”

 

sarah loves noah @w2lliam2

IM ON THE TUBE TRYING TO HOLD IN MY LAUGHTER FUCK OFFFFFFBSHDHSHSJJS

 

-

 

h @keener

my power ...

 

-

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

im so tired and all i can think about is that one time pete yelled GAY RIGHTS! at me when i said that i hate myself

 

best intern @peterparker

Gay Rights!

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

please i just want to see  *****

 

ned @gitc

;)

 

best intern @peterparker

hehe

 

-

 

sarah @testmypatienxe

i love that we all found out that black widow has a gf but did no digging but the second bruce banner says he has an s/o we all try to figure out who it is

 

diana @biggyiggy

i really wanna figure out what the s/o's pronouns are so i can BREATHE

 

riles @dannyphantome

I KNOW ME TOO IT STRESSES ME OUT SO MUCH

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

My s/o goes by he/they pronouns! :)

 

riles @dannyphantome

OOOH MY GOD

 

sarah @testmypatienxe

this is exactly what i meant

 

-

 

tara @daktyl

list of (out) lgbt superheroes

-spidey

-black widow

-bruce banner (the hulk)

-im counting shuri

 

yeet @shuri

thank you. is that really all that are out? huh

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

Spare me the conference meetings.

 

yeet @shuri

right right… why should they care

 

Tony Stark @STARK

The bravery.

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

We need to find a way to do things so the homophobes don't start sending more death threats to you kids and superheros than they already do.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

That's a lot nicer wording than what you told me

 

yeet @shuri

But they're already sending death threats. Fuck homophobes and transphobes.

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

And I agree with you, but I'm trying my best with getting all of these forums filled out and getting press conferences so in a few weeks everyone can come out. Or not come out. Whatever.

 

frankie @galqqy

imshaking at this tweet WHO IS LGBTTTTT

 

dp @deadpool

im pan as fuck if you care

 

frankie @galqqy

i do. so much. thank you

 

-

 

yeet @shuri

okay okay okay okay okay o

 

yeet @shuri

im getting on the plane now i should be there tomorrow

 

yeet @shuri

IM SO NERVOOOOOOUUUUUUSSSSS

 

best intern @peterparker

it's going to be ok!!!

 

ned @gitc

shuri she really likes you i promise

 

yeet @shuri

my face is so warm shut UP

 

natalie @ddassistant

this thread is so cute wow i really hope it turns out good for u

 

-

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Feeling particularly gay this fine April night:)

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

I hope all four of us can go out together again!

 

gail @aricnagrxnde

AWWWWW WERE YALL ON A GAY DOUBLE DATE

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

I guess we were!

 

Chapter Text

h @keener

tell me how i went this long without seeing @spiderman‘s face….

 

spidey @spiderman

well idk what u look like either! wait im patrolling rn voice call me

 

h @keener

ok 1 sec

 

-

 

Gloria @edgeofglory

wait so spidey and keener AREN'T dating???

 

jj @jnjmemes

I KNOWWW LIKE I HAD TO PAUSE FOR A SEC..

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

im just as shocked as u are tbh

 

-

 

yeet @shuri

guys……. im almost there…. GUYSSSS IM ALMOST FUCKING THERE

 

ned @gitc

TO AMERICA???

 

yeet @shuri

no im going to quebec . YES AMERICA

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Anyone wanna do a q&a? I'm bored

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

We're in a meeting

 

Tony Stark @STARK

You have my notifications on? Aw. <3

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

Gross.

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

@STARK who's your best friend?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

You!

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

haha fuck yeah

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

steve's not going to like that, tony.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

He doesn't have Twitter. What's he going to do?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Steve just send me a VERY long text

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

Hello???  Meeting????

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Gross.

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

alright im back from patrolling and @keener was really tired and his voice sounded really nice and it doesnt matter but i thought u should know

 

h @keener

thanks. now where is my SELFIE

 

spidey @spiderman

i gotta get the sweat off my face first thank you

 

h @keener

ion know if i want u to

 

spidey @spiderman

what does that mean

 

h @keener

nothing . nevermind

 

does bruno mars @24kmagic

LMAOOOOOOO WE SEE YOU KEENER . WE SEE YOU

 

h @keener

dont expose me

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

you've exposed yourself

 

-

 

ned @gitc

alright im at the airport where is the Brincess

 

yeet @shuri

I WANT TO SEE MY LITTLE BOY

 

ned @gitc

HERE I COME

 

ned @gitc

where????? are you????

 

yeet @shuri

i see you do you see me

 

ned @gitc

ARE ALL THOSE GUARDS FOR YOU

 

yeet @shuri

yea

 

ned @gitc

WHY

 

yeet @shuri

im the princess of wakanda .

 

ned @gitc

oh right LMAO

 

yeet @shuri

you called me “princess” like 5 mins ago

 

ned @gitc

can you just come over im scared of ur guards

 

yeet @shuri

ok im omw . hug me brother

 

dana @korndiddy

THIS SISO SOFT

 

hannah @momtana

mlm/wlw solidarity♡

 

kale @kalecium

YESS

 

-

 

yeet @shuri

okay im walking w ned and were going to surprise her

 

yeet @shuri

i was expecting more of an reaction but um yeah!

 

yeet @shuri

she looks so radiant.. and i just got off a 14h flight GOD

 

ned @gitc

you took a shower though!!

 

yeet @shuri

SHES SO BEAUTIFUL

 

yeet @shuri

okay ned is leaving im about to ask her out

 

ned @gitc

WHAT DID SHE SAY

 

yeet @shuri

SHESAID YEAH

 

ned @gitc

AAAAHADHAJDJAJFJHAJD

 

best intern @peterparker

SEE SHURI!!!! WE TOLD U!!!!!!!!

 

-

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

im going on my first date wow.

 

yeet @shuri

this is your first date?? how??

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

idk ive never liked anyone as much as you before

 

yeet @shuri

please my Heart ,,

 

cramer @whatsthedealwbananas

damn yall that close already?

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

we've been friends for awhile so yeah

 

cramer @whatsthedealwbananas

oh valid

Chapter Text

[ spidey @spiderman  ---> h @keener ]

 

spidey : okay im just washing my face 1 sec

 

h : i hope you know im putting no effort into my face reveal

 

spidey : that's okay

spidey : you're the only person who knows who my identity is before seeing my face wow

 

h : why is this kinda nerve wracking though

h : wait what do you think i look like

 

spidey : idk probably just soft? mr stark told me u have blue eyes

 

h : what

 

spidey : it just came up in the conversation idk

 

h : imma b real all i know is that you're pale

 

spidey : i am NOT pale who told you that >:(

 

h : mj did

 

spidey : oh i guess i am pale then

spidey : u want me to go first?

 

h : sure

 

spidey : [selfie]

spidey : [pic of him with tony]

spidey : [pic of him with a smiling ned and an unamused mj]

spidey : there's my face!

 

h : OH NO HES HOT

h : FUCK

 

spidey : STOPTJEJFH IM NOT BUT THANK U

 

h : wait … do u seriously think ur not hot bc if so that's a crime literally a crime

 

spidey : omg moving on send one back

 

h : ok but this convo isnt over

h : [selfie]

h : [pic of him working in the lab]

h : [family photo]

 

spidey : harley PLEASE run me over

 

h : only for u baby

 

spidey : the southern charm… its working

 

h : i have a cowboy hat

 

spidey : …

spidey : i almost said sumn that was really not pg

 

h : oohoho boy

 

spidey : *sweating emoji*

 

-

 

h @keener

god fuck hes so cute

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

im . not ok

 

-

 

[ spidey @spiderman ---> ned @gitc ]

 

spidey : ned oh my fucking God

 

ned : what

 

spidey : his hair… his eyes…

 

ned : harley?

 

spidey : YEAH

 

ned : oh dang

 

spidey : i want to do so much w him

spidey : WAIT I DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT

 

ned : sure u didnt

 

spidey : I MEANT LIKE GO OUT ON A DATE PEKASSEE

 

ned : im sure you did

 

spidey : i mean...

 

ned : wait so u fr have a crush him?

 

spidey : i mean...

 

ned : when did this start pete

 

spidey : uhhhhhhh

 

ned : SAY IT

 

spidey : like the second time we voice called

 

ned : that was… weeks ago

 

spidey : I KNOW

 

ned : HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME

 

spidey : YOURE THE FIRST PERSON TO KNOW BESIDES MJ BUT I DIDNT EXACTLY TELL HER SHES JUST . MJ

 

ned : .. ok im not mad

 

spidey : i wanna hmm hold his tennessee face and play w his curls

 

ned : he has curls you say?

 

spidey : [screenshot of harley's selfie]

spidey : he has many curls

 

ned : oh yeah i see it now

 

spidey : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!

 

ned : lmao u ok there

 

spidey : the b in peter b parker stands for bottom

 

ned : FUCKFSDF

 

-

 

ned @gitc

wheres mj when you need her

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

shut up im on a date rn

 

ned @gitc

okay then whatre u doing on your phone HUH

 

yeet @shuri

we're showing each other memes

 

ned @gitc

cute

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Pepper says everything will be filled out tomorrow and then maybe Steve will get a Twitter

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

he doesnt know how to use this

 

Falcon @samwilson

We could teach him?

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

oh this is going to be a disaster

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I'm down

 

Falcon @samwilson

Me too

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

… lets do this

 

eve @redredred

I CANT WAIT DHAJFJSJ

 

-

 

i love dana skully @skullgrl

yall captain america is getting a twt soon and the falcon, tony stark, and bucky barnes are going to teach him. this is going to be a mess. i am so excited

Chapter Text

dave @christonacracker

guys….. anyone else notice that tony stark just followed someone w the name steve rogers??

 

OPHELIA @heavenly

IT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!!!

 

grace @lukesbaby

oh my god oh fuck

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

fsguurgd

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

help

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

Hi Twitter! Thank you Siri.

 

janet @notagirl

#ThankYouSiri

 

-

 

caroline @jbbstan

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

 

#ThankYouSiri @treelander

#ThankYouSiri

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

,the thank you part wasn't supposed to be in there i was using speech to text but i'll type it all out now :)

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

you're doing good!!

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Oh this is an... interesting situation

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

You all realize how much shit we're going to get in with Steve being able to tell the world anything whenever he wants?

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

SOMEONE GETS IT

 

Falcon @samwilson

that's the fun part!

 

Clint @Hawkeye

Guys hes over 90 years old give him a break

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

how do i say hi to bruce and shuri?

 

yeet @shuri

oh hey steve!! you just put an @ and add their username

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

@BruceBanner how are you

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Hi Steve! I'm okay

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

bananas are gross now and i miss the old ones

 

hailey @fleetwoodmcdonald

this is possibly the strangest thing ive read on this app today

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

you all should've seen how confused i was when they asked me to do an anti smoking ad and read its bad for your lungs. i was prescribed cigarettes for my ASTHMA

 

#ThankYouSiri @treelander

YOU WERE PRESCRIBED WHAT FOR WHAT NOW

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

crazy how advanced science is!

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

im so glad you can all experience steves weirdness now.

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

This man is so strange.

 

-

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

im just telling you all now that steve reads almost all his dms . please stop sending thirst tweets hes ninety years old.

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

hey, so are you!

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

yes but ive had time to adjust to thirst tweets. this is your first day.

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

honestly ive gotten more people telling me that im walking propaganda and now i want to change my supername

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

… supername?

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

there is so much wrong with this country

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

Steve what did we talk about.

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

did i lie?

 

yeet @shuri

someone edit steves face over that one video of nicki minaj you know the one

 

playwfire @ivealwaysliked2

you're welcome

[ video of steve's face over nicki minaj saying “DID I LIE? DID I FUCKING LIE? ]

 

yeet @shuri

thank you for your service

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

love her!

 

yeet @shuri

me or nicki minaj

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

you're both great

 

yeet @shuri

thank you

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

@CaptionAmerica You like Nicki Minaj??

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

yes she is very talented

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Valid.

 

-

 

h @keener

oh hey steve is here!!! hell yeah

 

yeet @shuri

i knew he was kind of weird when i first met him but his tweets are something else

 

h @keener

hey leave him alone his heart is made of gold

 

yeet @shuri

i also got that impression as well!!!

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

i havent met him yet but hes one of the VERY few white men i trust

 

h @keener

okay same

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

harley you are a white male

 

h @keener

and what about it?

 

yeet @shuri

LMAOOO

 

-

 

Falcon @samwilson

i cant wait to fuck some shit up tomorrow!!!

 

joanie @redarling

what's going on tomorrow?

 

Falcon @samwilson

training

 

joanie @redarling

you... like training?

 

Falcon  @samwilson

hell yeah!!!

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

up until i beat you haha

 

Falcon @samwilson

yeah, right. you have an advantage.

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

.,you got me there!

 

Falcon @samwilson

and your cooking sucks

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

I'm hurt. deeply. absolutely wounded.

 

Falcon @samwilson

then perish

 

yeet @shuri

AHDJAKFIQIFJAJD

Chapter Text

Tony Stark @STARK

It is 3am on a Tuesday..  is it the right time to break the internet?

 

5.11.16 @doyalike

you absolute mad lad. YES!

 

Tony Stark @STARK

;) You got it!

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I'm bisexual and polyamorous

 

5.11.16 @doyalike

HOLY FUCK-

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

You couldn't wait until tomorrow afternoon?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I made no agreement to that.

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

He did say, and I quote, “Yeah sure but probably not.”

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

He did. He did.

 

-

 

nat @londonare

I KNOW YALL ARE ASLEEP BUT IRON MAN LITERALLY JUST CAME OUT ON TWITTER WE- GAYS WIN!

 

-

 

OPHELIA @heavenly

i have tonys notifs on so you can imagine when i woke up the the sound of rapid beeping and looking at my screen and seeing THAT

 

-

 

dp @deadpool

hey @STARK … can i dm you

 

Tony Stark @STARK

No

 

dp @deadpool

dang

 

-

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

It's early in the morning. Congrats @STARK. Sucks you've had to wait so long, but proud of you regardless. #ScienceBros

 

Tony Stark @STARK

#ScienceBros ♡

 

-

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

How did @STARK out me before himself

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Oh very funny Ha Ha.

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Thank you. I know.

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Oh hey, I'm trending #1 worldwide! Love that.

 

spidey @spiderman

woah r u like.. famous or something?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Go back to bed

 

yeet @shuri

… and starve

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Don't do that please

 

spidey @spiderman

wow i cant believe my mentor told me to starve

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I'll call Her.

 

spidey @spiderman

okay okay okay okay oka

 

-

 

Avengers News @AvengersNews

Tony Stark just came out of the closet, and we're loving it.

 

Barbara @BarbaraAngel

Disgusting

 

sammy @smitty77

oh shove it, Barbra.

 

PayPal me 5000USD @charlstonana

this woman is really named Barbra talking ab disgusting lmaooo

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

wow i am shocked with how much positivity regarding tony's coming out! very proud of this generation and tony:)

 

OPHELIA @heavenly

this is so pure alexa play the american theme song

 

mateo @mlmthor

do you mean… the national anthem…

 

OPHELIA @heavenly

american theme song

 

-

 

yeet @shuri

This tweet is not available [ ume im so tired but my girl looks so pretty in the moonlight ]

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

DELETE

 

yeet @shuri

ugh fine

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

thank

 

best intern @peterparker

wow. mj saying thank you? man u must rlly like her huh

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

watch yourself

 

ned @gitc

uh oh sounds like a prank is happening soon!!

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

:)

 

best intern @peterparker

this isnt fair your gf is literally the smartest person on earth

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

:)))

 

yeet @shuri

;)

 

best intern @peterparker

im scared

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

You should be.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Please don't kill him

 

-

 

[ Pepper Potts ---> The Avengers ]

 

Pepper Potts : Hi, I know it's still early, but you can all come out if you want

 

Steve Rogers : me & bucky too?

 

Pepper Potts : Yes!

 

Bucky : sick

 

spidey : omg hell yeah

 

Bruce Banner : Hey Pepper, Thor wants a twitter can they have one

 

Pepper Potts : It should be fine

 

Tony Stark : God this is so much fun

 

Falcon : yes it is!

 

h : it's the time for the lgbts to rise

 

spidey : we aren't jesus

 

h : aren't we?

 

Steve Rogers : no

 

h : debatable

 

Natasha : If Thor can have a Twitter can Brunnhilde??

 

Pepper Potts : I thought her name was Valkyrie. And yes. Anyone can have a Twitter. Just don't post your coordinates or any confidential information.

 

Natasha : Okay. Her name is Brunnhilde but Valkyrie is her nickname.

 

spidey : uwu!

 

Tony Stark : I will kick you peter

 

spidey : i have the power of shuri and anime on my side

 

Tony Stark : …

 

spidey : ok mr. stark ill stop

 

Bucky : im excited

 

Steve Rogers : ME TOO

 

Tony Stark : Keep it in ur pants

 

Rhodey : says you

 

Tony Stark : Not in front of the kids

 

Rhodey : oh shoot i forgot. sorry kids!

 

h : its ok uncle rhodes

 

Tony Stark : Stop being cute you know what calling him uncle does

 

spidey : bold of you to assume harley can be anything other than cute

 

Tony Stark : Oh jesus christ

 

h : gfhaifjajfjsjfjfj

h : actually tonie i have no idea what calling him uncle rhodey does because i haven't seen him in almost 5 years

 

Tony Stark : You're not slick I know you want to come over to see your boyfriend. Also never spell my name like that again.

 

spidey : harley you have a boyfriend?????

 

Steve Rogers : to quote tony, oh jesus christ

 

spidey : what,???

 

Falcon : i thought he was supposed to be smart

 

Tony Stark : He is just give him a minute

 

h : om g

h : pete are u serious

 

spidey : wait do you actually have a boyfriend

 

h : NO

 

spidey : i don't get it

 

Pepper Potts : Wow.

 

spidey : OH

 

Tony Stark : See?

 

Falcon : yeah. okay

 

spidey : i am.. so dumb

Chapter Text

sal volcano @salvulcana

listen when i said all superheros are gay i didnt know i was RIGHT

 

jake @bibibi9

SAME THE FUCK????? WE LIVING IN A SIMULATION OR WHAT

 

amanda @punkbaby

oh but i am so happy this is how it's turning out .

 

jake @bibibi9

ME TOO

 

-

 

vanya @whiteviola

WHO THE FUCK IS BRUCE AND NATASHA DATING I REALLY WANNA KNOW SO BAD

 

klaus @theseance

can you please chill

 

vanya @whiteviola

NO.

 

diego @aquaknife

listen we all got our avenger crush

 

klaus @theseance

do you???????

 

diego @aquaknife

… daredevil

 

klaus @theseance

oh you would

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Just so you guys know… some of our friends have made some Twitter accounts

 

ELAINA @starkslut

oh do tag them

 

Tony Stark @STARK

@valkyrie @THUNDER @loki The Asguardians are here!

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

yes we are.

 

THOR @THUNDER

:) VERY COOL

 

snake @loki

why are you typing in all caps

 

THOR @THUNDER

BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL TALKING IN LOWERCASE! :)

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

it seems like you're yelling. i guess you do that. it's perfect.

 

THOR @THUNDER

IS IT TOO DISTRACTING? :)

 

Tony Stark @STARK

A little

 

THOR @THUNDER

Should I write like the iron boy? :)

 

snake @Loki

i mean the smiley face is a bit much

 

nathan @baldingqueen

IT'S PURE

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

it seems a little sarcastic if im being honest

 

THOR @THUNDER

I PROMISE IT WASNT MEANT TO BE SARCASTIC :)

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Oh yeah I see it.

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

This is a mess already.

 

THOR @THUNDER

HELLO LOVE :)

 

vanya @whiteviola

WHHAAT??????? FJSJFKAJFJSJDJAFJSJ

 

maxine @sweetbirthdaybaby

THOR ARE YOU AND BRUCE DATING

 

THOR @THUNDER

@BruceBanner CAN I?:)

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Yeah.

 

THOR @THUNDER

WE ARE DATING YES.

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

okay seriously type normally

 

THOR @THUNDER

I Will Type Like This?

 

spidey @spiderman

you aren't jaden smith

 

THOR @THUNDER

Who Is Jaden Smith?

 

spidey @spiderman

he types like that too

 

THOR @THUNDER

I Will Figure Out A Way To Type Soon Young Spider Boy

 

spidey @spiderman

okay .

 

-

 

dirk @agentgently

there are literal aliens on twt now . this is real life. this is the universe we've been dealt with now.

 

todd @MexicanFuneral

why does thor Type Like This

 

dirk @agentgently

DON'T FORGET LIKE THIS :)

 

todd @MexicanFuneral

god why tf are the avengers so weird.

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

oh shoot i found a documentary on my life from 1 year before i came out of the ice should i watch it

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

it's not terrible so far

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

WHAT . WHAT DID THEY JUST SAY .

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

i take it back this is bad

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

what's happening

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

“Mr. Rogers was drafted almost immediately”

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

WHAHDIAJD LMAO

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

wait do they not know

 

angel emoji @medusahead

what?????

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Yeah Steve? We aren't allowed to talk about it

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

oh ok sorry

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

small [image of pre-serum Steve]

 

angel emoji @medusahead

HOW DID YOU HAVE THAT TRANSFORMATION

 

OPHELIA @heavenly

WORKOUT GOALSS

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

im apparently not allowed to talk about it

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

i miss small you

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

i would say i miss it too but i REALLY don't

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

it was a hard time

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

they mentioned you buck!!

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

i can hear it from 5 feet away you know

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

oh my god they got everything so wrong

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

they really thought you were a playboy!

 

OPHELIA @heavenly

he wasnt??????

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

not at all. the girls we hung out with were lesbians

 

OPHELIA @heavenly

okay mood but????? why?????

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

it was the only way to have a proper date without being scared for your life back then

 

OPHELIA @heavenly

wait so you and bucky decided one day to team up and help out lesbians for??? what reason??

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

so we could go on a date

 

elaina @starkslut

WHATGD

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

… me and steve are married

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

yeah there is a lot they don't know

 

h @keener

ill ask first but wasnt that illegal

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

yes extremely but my birth certificate said female so they didnt have any reason not to

 

h @keener

finesse the system fuck yeah

 

delilah @heythere

why did your birth certificate say female????? im so confused

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

I'm transgender. Assigned female at birth

 

delilah @heythere

WHAT .

 

OPHELIA @heavenly

OHH MY GOOODDD?????????

 

jane h @letsgolebians

IS THIS REAL FUCKING LIFE

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

and im gay. making us the first gay marriage in the usa. cool!

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

heres a photo you'll never see in this documentary [worn-out image of pre-serum Steve and Bucky holding hands in front of a sunny window]

 

spidey @spiderman

i love my 2 dads

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Never say that again

 

spidey @spiderman

i love my 3 dads

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

Thanks he's crying now.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

No I;m n ot

 

ELAINA @starkslut

oh my god

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

yeah we got married but it was more of a if i die in the war situation

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

it was a bad time

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

we're still married tho!

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

yeah we were and are a couple even back then

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

but it was the 40s

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

it was the 40s.

Chapter Text

Avengers News @AvengersNews

Captain America is Transgender and Married to The Winter Soldier, Who is Gay.

 

ELAINA @starkslut

REMINDER: DO NOT READ THE REPLIES I REPEAT DO NOT READ THE REPLIES

 

delilah @heythere

i don't know what i was expecting but holy shit people are so horrible

 

pronto @babynomoney

it's 2019 . how are people not over all this.

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

so… any questions?

 

delilah @heythere

how did u come out?

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

i only really came out to bucky. my family was kind of in the dark. i don't know if i regret that or not.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

my family didn't know anything either. it was all very quiet back then. whispers and code words were the only way to survive, really.

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

<3

 

Falcon @samwilson

how am i the 3rd wheel even on twitter.

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

i don't wanna alarm yall but i've been having a crazy amount of spidey sense happening these past few hours and it's freaking me the hell out

 

ELAINA @starkslut

don't??? say shit like that??? w no follow up?

 

spidey @spiderman

i don't think anything is going to happen bc spidey sense is almost always immediate. so idk. it's really weird.

 

ELAINA @starkslut

wym??

 

spidey @spiderman

ok this sounds crazy but i think im feeling things from another universe

 

ophelia @heavenly

BRUH WHAT ARE U SAYIN RN

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Elaborate, maybe?

 

spidey @spiderman

are u still in contact w dr. strange?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I just texted him your number.

 

clarion @urmyonly_compass

alright this isnt terrifying or anything

 

-

 

[ Dr. Strange spidey ]

 

Dr. Strange : You can feel that?

 

spidey : i don't like it. what is it?

 

Dr. Strange : Something major happened in another universe. I'm surprised you know.

 

spidey : care to explain more?????

 

Dr. Strange : Thanos killed us, but you don't need to worry. Thanos is dead in our universe.

 

spidey : hu..h

spidey : okay . who is thanos??? what do u mean 'us'??? how is he dead?? what do u mean

 

Dr. Strange : Thanos was an alien trying to destroy half the population. He won in another dimension, but he is dead in ours. No need to worry. His daughters killed him.

 

spidey : we cant do anything?

 

Dr. Strange : What?

 

spidey : to help the other dimension?

 

Dr. Strange : No. They have their own path. If you still feel something later text me and I'll try to help.

 

spidey : ok. thank you.

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

false alarm everyone. it's ok.

 

grace @bb8bbg

are you okay?

 

spidey @spiderman

i don't know

 

-

 

[ Tony Stark spidey ]

 

Tony Stark : What's going on? Are you okay?

 

spidey : i guess

 

Tony Stark : Don't be like that. Tell me what's wrong.

 

spidey : i felt myself dying

 

Tony Stark : Okay kid this isn't cute. What are you saying.

 

spidey : dr. strange told me that in another universe, me and him die. and i felt it.

 

Tony Stark : Where are you

 

spidey : school

 

Tony Stark : You're in school? I'm coming to pick you up wait in the office for me.

 

spidey : ok

 

-

 

[ spidey Dr. Strange ]

 

spidey : who else died

 

Dr. Strange : They can deal with it.

 

spidey : who else died.

 

Dr. Strange : There isn't anything we can do. It's okay. It's not your fault or problem.

 

spidey : i need to do something because if im dead then what about my friends? are they okay?

spidey : you said thanos wiped out half the population. that's trauma to the entire world.

 

Dr. Strange : They will fix it. It's okay. Please calm down

 

spidey : sorry

 

-

[ Tony Stark spidey ]

 

Tony Stark : Okay. I get you don't want to talk. Can you text me?

 

spidey :  it's just weird. bc i know it's not really us. but it is at the same time.

 

Tony Stark : We cant fix the universe's problems Pete.

 

spidey : i felt it though. i could feel my skin

 

Tony Stark : You want to talk about what it felt like?

 

spidey : it felt like i was disintegrating. not burning or anything. just my hands and arms splitting apart in a billion pieces

 

Tony Stark : Did it hurt?

 

spidey : not for me. but for other me, i think so.

 

Tony Stark : What can I do to help you

 

spidey : so like

spidey : i know last time you said we weren't there yet

spidey : but can i hugfjjjjdh h dhhh shhfdkc

 

spidey : thank you

 

Tony Stark : How hungry are you?

 

spidey : very

Chapter Text

GOD IS A WOMAN @sapphireangel

i hope spidey is ok :((

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

i called him a few hours ago hes ok he just needs a little time

 

ophelia @heavenly

ok but are we going to die?????

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

his powers are just messing up. that's all.

 

THOR @THUNDER

I HOPE HE FEELS WELL AGAIN SOON

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

jfc just text in all lowercase like a sane person

 

THOR @THUNDER

okay:)

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

oh so you listen to her but not to me?

 

THOR @THUNDER

sorry

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

mhm you better be

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

guys im fine it's just my powers being out of wack

 

h @keener

do u want to rabb.it some movies with me and @gitc ?

 

spidey @spiderman

that would be really nice. thank you harley

 

ophelia @heavenly

yall cute

 

-

 

h @keener

im unstanning spider-man this exact second

 

yeet @shuri

what did he do now

 

h @keener

say he didnt want to watch hp

 

yeet @shuri

that demon

 

h @keener

I KNOW

 

best intern @peterparker

don't be mean to him

 

h @keener

fuck all yall

 

best intern @peterparker

????????????????????

 

h @keener

you know what you did

 

ned @gitc

he said WHAT about harry potter

 

-

 

THOR @THUNDER

hello all! :) thank you for giving my people a home

 

dirk @agentgently

no problem! love u

 

-

 

snake @loki

why does everyone like thor better than me

 

charlotte @brooklynbaby

You invaded New York?????

 

snake @loki

and?

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

he didnt mean to, it was... what was it again?

 

snake @loki

…..mind control

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

ah yes, mind control.

 

charlotte @brooklynbaby

I love that ur first reaction was "and?"

 

-

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Hey @BruceBanner @THUNDER @valkyrie @STARK @STARKCEO @Hawkeye @CaptianAmerica @jbbarnes @WarMachine @spiderman Come to the kitchen

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Why

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Do it

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Ugh fine

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Guys come to the kitchen ASAP

 

spidey @spiderman

im- what's happening

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

oh man. what should we do?

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

whip cream would work

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

i wanna dunk his hand in water and see if it works

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

'If it works' You mean him pissing himself?

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

yea

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I'm with Wings over here

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

wings?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Because of your horse

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Why don't we leave him be?

 

Clint @Hawkeye

That's no fun

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

Hey @loki can we use your weirdly large makeup collection

 

spidey @spiderman

YESSSSSSS

 

snake @loki

hmm.. absolutely.

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

Poor Sam. He didn't even have a chance.

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

sam: (sleeping peacefully)

 

the avengers: [ I'm not going to let you get the CHANCE ]

 

-

 

Falcon @samwilson

i hate my life sometimes [selfie of sam with his face covered in glittery makeup and very off-center lipstick ]

 

Falcon @samwilson

who ever wrote birdy on my forehead is about to die i s2g this shit WONT COME OFF

 

-

 

dan @cottagecore

BIRDY GJSJEKSJSJD

Chapter Text

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

My life consists of me and Tony's boyfriend forcing Tony to eat.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I'm doing better

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

You are♡

 

-

 

gimme my hat back jordan @unclecraig

tony stark is living the bisexual dream rn

 

steven @ultralightbeam

this is tony starks world we're all just living in it

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

hey guys👋 goin back to new asguard to meet up w koa and her brothers what do yall wanna say

 

charlotte @brooklynbaby

tell her that im love her

 

yeet @shuri

wait wait i want to go too

 

spidey @spiderman

then let's go together!!!

 

yeet @shuri

( john mulaney voice ) can my girlfriend come?

 

spidey @spiderman

the fact that i know exactly what tone u were using…. yes of course mj can come shes one of my best friends

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

haha loser

 

spidey @spiderman

you say that but i know deep down that u appreciate it

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

..

 

yeet @shuri

we're on our way!

 

-

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

spider-man did not tell me that koa and all of her brothers were going to be stunning w h o a

 

spidey @spiderman

its asugard ofc they're all beautiful

 

THOR @THUNDER

:) thank you young spider for your kind words!

 

snake @loki

you know what would make this place more beautiful?

 

THOR @THUNDER

what would? :)

 

snake @loki

a statue of me

 

THOR @THUNDER

let me think about it... no.

 

snake @loki

you're no fun

 

-

 

danielle @pocket_sunshine

hey @loki !! i heard u wanted a statue and it isnt much but i had fun!!! [pic of a small clay figure of loki]

 

snake @loki

where is your location

 

-

 

danielle @pocket_sunshine

that was so weird

 

Nate @NateBunbury

spill

 

danielle @pocket_sunshine

ok so.. after loki asked for my location he literally popped up right in front of me, out of thin air, and then asked for the sculpture. i handed it to him and he looked at it-

 

danielle @pocket_sunshine

and then said a small "thanks" and he was just about to leave and i asked for a pic and he looked SO SURPRISED like????

 

danielle @pocket_sunshine

and i got this picture and i told him that i love his tweets and he smiled and then disappeared again [selfie of danielle next to loki, who is holding a small clay sculpture in his hand]

 

Nate @NateBunbury

oh my goodness you both look so good

 

danielle @pocket_sunshine

im lowkey scared of him but he was kinda sweet? but in a mean way idk

 

Nate @NateBunbury

"sweet but in a mean way" ok yeah that makes… sense

 

-

 

snake @loki

yes. [pic of clay loki on real lokis hand]

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

whoever gave loki a figure of himself i wanna personally thank u bc he keeps it in his pocket literally everywhere and it's kinda sweet

 

-

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

i saw loki for 3 seconds total and he just said "look at this" and showed me a thing of himself and then kept walking. what the fuck.

 

-

 

dirk @agentgently

loki is such a mood

 

-

 

yeet @shuri

i just met @valkyrie for the first time. shes powerful.

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

i like you

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

I knew you two would get along!

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

hm.. maybe you were right

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

As usual

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

idk ab that one but okay

 

-

 

ned @gitc

damn i want to see asguard :(

 

spidey @spiderman

im coming back on monday u wanna come with?? ill bring u!!

 

ned @gitc

YES . I WANT TO MEET THOR.

 

THOR @THUNDER

i want to meet you!

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Hey @samwilson can you teach me how to cook

 

Falcon @samwilson

you don't know how to? tf

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Not as good as you

 

Falcon @samwilson

maybe i should sabotage you for writing birdy on my head

 

Tony Stark @STARK

That wasn't me!

 

Falcon @samwilson

who was it then? peter?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Yes, actually.

 

Falcon @samwilson

he calls me "mr. falcon"

 

Tony Stark @STARK

No correlation

 

Falcon @samwilson

all the correlation. are you kidding? hes weirdly scared of me

 

Tony Stark @STARK

He's scared of everyone.

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

its kind of adorable

 

Tony Stark @STARK

It's totally adorable

 

-

 

best intern @peterparker

im being EXPOSED and i DONT like it.

 

ELAINA @starkslut

ok but did u write birdy on falcons head????

 

best intern @peterparker

no that was definitely someone that im not snitching on

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

:)

 

Falcon @samwilson

you just played yourself

 

ELAINA @starkslut

bucky is ab to get fucky'd

 

best intern @peterparker

please never say that again

 

ELAINA @starkslut

HDUDJDJFGFDUSU

Chapter Text

klaus @theseance

superheroes are like music. the popular ones may be good but the lesser-known ones are sometimes better

 

thotiana @busdown

wbk deadpool is a KING yall pay him DUST!!

 

luis @xcon_sec

ant-man is the best ever!

 

thotiana @busdown

wh-who is that

 

luis @xcon_sec

[pic of large ant-man]

 

thotiana @busdown

HOLY SHIT-

 

klaus @theseance

i've never seen an ant man interview or anything of him but im sure hes cool too!

 

scott @ant_man

thank you

 

klaus @theseance

oh shit is this a real acc

 

scott @ant_man

i don't think im popular enough for a parody account yet

 

klaus @theseance

damn

 

-

 

maxine @sweetbirthdaybaby

wait klaus is right.. yall let's have an appreciation post for the defenders, ant-man, and every other non-avenger who saves lives on the daily w no real return

 

diego @aquaknife

especially daredevil

 

dp @deadpool

alright diego i feel that, i really do, but where are my thirst posts? someone tell me they wanna raw me already! im waiting bitch!

 

diego @aquaknife

oh,,,,,, my GOD

 

-

 

ürsla @superbaby

jessica jones please step on me

 

vanya @whiteviola

I KNOW RIGHT

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

i keep seeing appreciation for non-avenger superheroes (like me!!) and it makes me really happy. these ppl have the biggest hearts i've ever seen. including deadpool

 

dp @deadpool

awwwww really???????? thank u kiddo

 

spidey @spiderman

yes!! im so proud of u for not killing anyone this whole month!!!!!!

 

dp @deadpool

thanks

 

-

 

dp @deadpool

fuck

 

-

 

Jim @Gordog

Wait. @spiderman isnt an avenger????

 

ned @gitc

not officially but tony stark programs most of his suit and hes friends w all of them

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

""Friends""

 

spidey @spiderman

what? :((

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

You're more like our collective adopted child

 

spidey @spiderman

OH THANK GOD I GOT REALLY SAD FOR A SECOND

 

yeet @shuri

we're the same age and i still see u as Son.

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

yea true

 

spidey @spiderman

wh?.....??????? ok

 

Tony Stark @STARK

When I said that you're Baby I didn't mean your young age

 

spidey @spiderman

PBLEASE

 

-

 

h @keener

fellas is it incest if you have the same non-blood father figure

 

sawyer @sawurpants

??? elaborate

 

h @keener

we both look up to the same person as a Dad but he isnt our Dad and we def don't think of each other as brothers

 

sawyer @sawurpants

it should be fine as long as u say no chromo just to be sure

 

h @keener

eye-

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

please stop asking for ass pics. i know you want them. i know i have the ability to make them. it's not happening. my cheeks are sealed.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

i was going to say something about that last line. im not typing anything out, but i want you all to know im holding back so hard.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

[ This tweet is not available ] they weren't the other night

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

i am so sorry

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

im going to report you in 5 minutes if you don't delete that.

 

-

 

scott @ant_man

you guys ever daydream about being another person?

Chapter Text

h @keener

im ab to go SICKO MODE on these hoes rn

 

best intern @peterparker

harley what

 

h @keener

i tweet what i want

 

h @keener

hoe

 

best intern @peterparker

that meme is like 2 years old

 

h @keener

oh lmao IDCAM

 

h @keener

IDCAM = i don't care anymore

 

h @keener

im sick to my stomach im so fucking funny there's tears streaming down my face right now fjsjtjrjjrjtjjs im choking i literally cant breathe im dying fjdjgkdjfkskfk i wish i was fuck

 

stream local natives @gnaloseu

bro are u aight

 

h @keener

Yes .

 

-

 

[ Tony Stark h ]

 

Tony Stark : You really think you should be on Twitter right now?

 

h : i don't think i should be anywhere right now if im being honest

 

Tony Stark : C'mon kiddo

 

h : don't call me that

 

Tony Stark : Sorry.

Tony Stark : I mean that. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this.

 

h : hey can i ask you for a favor

 

Tony Stark : Shoot

 

h : can i stay with you

 

Tony Stark : You seriously asking that?

 

h : yeah you're right. im sorry. i did;tn mean to oversttep

 

Tony Stark : What?

 

Tony Stark : You misread my message.

Tony Stark : Harley. Of course you're staying with me. You will come stay here.

 

Tony Stark : Answer my calls?

 

h : im sorry for not answering

h : imma be real with you cheif. i cant pick up the phone rn sorry lmaooo

 

Tony Stark : You don't need to answer. Just know I'm here for you.

 

h : yeah. i know.

h : we're connected <3

 

Tony Stark : We're connected

 

-

 

[ spidey h ]

 

spidey : hey are you alright? your last tweet was kinda worrying

 

h : not really

 

spidey : what's wrong?:((

 

h : so it was abby's birthday last week and i guess i forgot to open the mail bc there was a birthday card there.

h : from my dad.

 

spidey : isnt that a good thing?

 

h : no. i mean i guess, but that's not the bad part

h : it's not the first time he sent a card for her. i found 5 more fucking cards for her

 

spidey : im sorry- i don't understand? i thought he was out of your lives

 

h : he is, but he sends abby birthday cards. apparently he has been since she was eight and nobody told me because he doesnt send any to me

 

spidey : oh my god that's horrible :(( im so sorry

 

h : and like

h : i get that im a piece of shit but really? i was fucking six years old?

 

spidey : you aren't a piece of shit harley omg. ur one of the smartest and kindest people i know.

 

h : you know like 4 people who are all better than me but okay!

h : idk ig im just embarrassed

 

spidey : okay that first message is wrong in every way, and why are u embarrassed?? u did nothing wrong??

 

h : bc i got really mad and that led to my mom getting mad and THAT led to abby crying and my mom left and now im here, comforting my sister, and i don't even know why i was angry in the first place

h : he doesnt want anything to do with me and it hurts so why am i mad he wants to say happy birthday to my sister?

 

spidey : because it's not fair that he did that to you???? both leaving and sending your sister cards???? it makes sense u got mad bc u didnt do anything wrong and hes acting like you did.

 

h : idk

 

spidey : about what?

 

h : at this point about anything

h : i think i hate him. like genuinely hate his guts.

 

spidey : you have good reason to

 

h : yeah but abby still has hope or something which is stupid because he's never coming back as long as im around

 

spidey : uh. what do you mean

 

h : im going to stay with tony. so if my dad comes back i

h : so if my "dad" comes back i wont kill him

 

spidey : you're coming to new york?

 

h : yeah

 

spidey : we can meet!!!!!!!

 

h : what

h : oh WHAT

h : I FORGOT ABOUT THAT OGDH

h : THAT CHEERED ME UP SO MUCH

 

spidey : :,)

 

-

 

h @keener

i lived bitch

 

best intern @peterparker

oh my god

 

h @keener

thank u for being there pete….. love u fam

 

best intern @peterparker

oh my God

 

Tony Stark @STARK

You're going to kill him if you keep it up, Harley.

 

h @keener

good he can die

 

best intern @peterparker

stop im goign to cry

 

h @keener

that's what you get for being so nice to me

 

Tony Stark @STARK

But Harley, that's my emotional support intern. Don't kill him.

 

h @keener

i thought i was your emotional support

 

Tony Stark @STARK

You are my emotional support but you're not an intern so it's different.

 

h @keener

you're different

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Man, you gotta work on your roasts.

 

h @keener

i'm sorry that my brutal honesty inconvenienced your ego

 

Tony Stark @STARK

My ego?

 

h @keener

your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom manufacturer

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Okay damn.

 

-

 

h @keener

being a bitch is a tough job but someone has to do it.

 

-

 

ELAINA @starkslut

harley is such a mf mood

Chapter Text

scott @ant_man

i am so charming. my power!

 

harmony @sendnudesplx

do you want to tell us the inspiration behind this tweet?

 

scott @ant_man

just remembering when my parole officer asked me on a date

 

harmony @sendnudesplx

YOUR WHAT ASKED YOU WHAT

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I'm going to the met gala and I'm bringing spider-man, who is bringing Shuri. This isn't allowed. I've been on the phone for 3 hours.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I had to explain what camp meant to Bucky and Steve 5 times now. Send Help.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

You're all going to lose your minds when you see what these two have on.

 

-

 

yeet @shuri

biiiiitch… I look so good

 

spidey @spiderman

YOU DO. YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE

 

yeet @shuri

YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD TOO AND IM LESBIAN

 

spidey @spiderman

THANK YOU MISS SHURI

 

val @mysweetvalintine

i love supportive besties!!!!

 

-

 

ELAINA @starkslut

MY @ HAS NEVER BEEN MORE ACCURATE

 

ELAINA @starkslut

TONY STARK REALLY WORE A PINK SUIT WIYH A FLUFFY BLACK JACKET, YELLOW SUNGLASSES, AND A GLITTERY BLACK TIE. JAMES CHARLES TAKE NOTES!!!!!!

 

ELAINA @starkslut

Dat Azzz Doe 👀 [zoomed-in image of Tony Stark's ass in pink pants]

 

ELAINA @starkslut

guys. his shoes are yellow. this outfit owns me. i will never change my icon again after this.

 

-

 

ELAINA @starkslut

WHAT THE FUCK SPIDEY LOOKS HOT AS FUCK TOO WE-

 

kay @burnbabyburn

WHAT'S SHURI AND HIM WEARING MY SCHOOL WIFI IS SHIT

 

ELAINA @starkslut

SPIDEY IS WEARING 3 INCH BLACK HIGH HEELS, OVERSIZED NAVY BLUE DRESS PANTS WITH A MUSTARD YELLOW FABRIC BELT, AND A BUTTON UP BLACK SHIRT THAT HAS THE SAME YELLOW BUTTONS BUT IT TURNS INTO THIS LACY FABRIC LIKE MID-CHEST

 

kay @burnbabyburn

CAN YOU SEE HIS SKIN????

 

ELAINA @starkslut

NO JE HAS THE SPIDER SUIT UNDERNEATH BUT IT STILL LOOKS SO UNBELIEVABLY GOOD

 

kay @burnbabyburn

OK WHAT ABOUT SHURI

 

ELAINA @starkslut

SHURI LOOKS SO GOOD OG MY GOD

 

ELAINA @starkslut

SHES WEARING THIS GOLD- DRESS THAT WRAPS AROUND HER (KINDA LIKE A INDIAN SAREE? BUT W LESS DRAPEYNESS ) BUT IT TILTS UP SO U CAN SEE HER CALVES BUT THE TRAIL IS LIKE . 12 INCHES LONG AND HER MAKEUP IS SO BEAUTIFUL SHE HAS THESE STUNNING WHITE DOTS ON AROUND HER EYES-

 

ELAINA @starkslut

SHES ABSOLUTELY STUNNING SHE HAS THIS PURPLE BELT AND CHOKER W THE SUN IN THE MIDDLE AND HER EYE MAKEUP IS SOOO FUCKING PRETTY AND HER SHOES!!!!! HER MF SHOES!!!! THEYRE THESE HEELED LACE UP BOOTS THAT ARE GOLDEN W PURPLE LACES AND HER HAIR IS LIKE A BRAIDED PRINCESS LEIA WITH THESE BEADS AND HER NECKLACE IS BEADED BUT SO BEAUTIFUL

 

kay @burnbabyburn

I CANT WAIT TO GO HOME TO SEE HER IT SOUNDS AMAZKGN

 

-

 

jaimey @fleetwoodgrl

spider-man, tony stark, & shuri stans how we feelin 2night

 

spidey stan @whtvr.a.spidey.stan

we all have the same icons now im getting so confused lmao--

 

maxine @sweetbirthdaybaby

tony stark is serving sugar daddy realness

 

jaimey @fleetwoodgrl

isnt he always though?

 

-

 

dp @deadpool

just know if i see anyone over the age of 18 saying anything sexual about my spider-man and shuri i wont hesitate, bitch.

 

diego @aquaknife

hesitate to do what???

 

dp @deadpool

why? you wanna find out?

 

diego @aquaknife

no

 

dp @deadpool

exactly.

 

-

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

I'm glad you're all enjoying my fiance's ass!

 

delilah @heythere

PEPPER FHSJFJAJJSSJFHSJFJ-

 

-

 

scott @ant_man

if i was going to the met gala i would ride in on an ant and that's why i wasnt invited.

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

i still don't fully understand what camp means but everyone looks great!

 

-

 

Falcon @samwilson

why the fuck is spidey wearing heels

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

why not?

 

Falcon @samwilson

you know what? for once in your life, you're right.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

thanks?

 

Falcon @samwilson

don't thank me I'm still planning my revenge for that birdy stunt you pulled.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

Fuck

Chapter Text

h @keener

oh … . fuck

 

h @keener

holy shit-

 

h @keener

im not gunna make it. i swear on jah

 

h @keener

yall …

 

spidey @spiderman

what are you talking about

 

h @keener

YOU LOOK HOT AS HELL

 

spidey @spiderman

FHSJFJDJFJ IS THAT REALLY WHAT UR GOIN ON ABOUT

 

h @keener

I WAKE UP AND CHECK TWT AND YOURE EVERYWHERE WEARING HIGH HEELS AND LACE HOW THE FUCK DID YOU THINK THIS WAS GOING TO AFFECT ME PERSONALLY

 

spidey @spiderman

ESTSHUT UP OHMY GOD,,,,,,

 

h @keener

im fuming right now im so angry

 

spidey @spiderman

WHST WHY????

 

h @keener

because i KNOW you don't think ur hot and it makes me so MAD .

 

spidey @spiderman

PKLEASE

 

h @keener

bro when i meet u. bro. i will take so many pictures. bc u r so beautiful. ur face is *italian kiss* MWAH… perfecto

 

spidey @spiderman

SSFMF STOP ONGHG--

 

-

 

Falcon @samwilson

im a genius

 

Falcon @samwilson

and now we wait…

 

-

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

i hate sam and only sam

 

-

 

Falcon @samwilson

IT WORKED

 

hailey @mrsjacksn

what did u do omg

 

Falcon @samwilson

i made realistic jelly worms from bendy straws and put one in bucky's soup

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

IT WASNT A REAL WORM?????

 

Falcon @samwilson

NO IT WASNT A REAL WORM

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

THANK GOD

 

Falcon @samwilson

hey. hey buck. check ur room window

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

THAT'S TERRIFYING

 

ophelia @heavenly

EXPLAIN

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

[image of a cardboard cut-out of sam as the falcon giving a thumbs-up taped against a window]

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

that would give me a heart attack

 

Falcon @samwilson

haha you're old

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

i cant wait for the day that you look older than me and then i can make fun of you

 

Falcon @samwilson

WOW.

 

-

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

phantom pains are EXTRA weird when you have a metal arm

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

I know right? I keep going to scratch my leg and getting weirded out when I don't feel anything

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

e x a c t l y. that shit is so freaky what even causes that?

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Doctors thought it was a psychological problem, but now people realize that these sensations are real and originate in the spinal cord and brain.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

so when i feel the need to crack my elbow it's a real feeling?? woah

 

gallagher @gallagalaxy

can someone explain what phantom pain is??

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

its pain that feels like it's coming from a body part that's no longer there. So for me it's my legs, for Bucky it's his arm.

 

gallagher @gallagalaxy

i didnt even know yall lost those limbs :O

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

what did you think my metal arm was?

 

gallagher @gallagalaxy

idk i thought it was like iron man's suit for fighting

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

???????????

 

gallagher @gallagalaxy

IM SO STUPDI SORRY

 

-

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

wow shuri looks amazing

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

i got a new wallpaper now

 

yeet @shuri

uwu? spare some uwu? ma'am?

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

…..

 

ned @gitc

oh my god is she going to say it

 

best intern @peterparker

there's no way. absolutely no way.

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

………

 

ned @gitc

holy shit i think shes going to do it

 

spidey @spiderman

this is such big news if this happens

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

…………….. uwu

 

yeet @shuri

SHE SAID IT

 

ned @gitc

HOLY SHI-

 

best intern @peterparker

THSIA WILD

 

best intern @peterparker

that's goals <3

 

-

 

jake @bibibi9

we still have no idea who tf black widows gf is

 

yaz @hottubtimemachine2

oh wait you're right

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Do you really want to know that badly?

 

jake @bibibi9

YES?

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

@valkyrie

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

it's me. im her gf.

 

jake @bibibi9

thank u for telling me this. i can sleep peacefully

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

I hate sharing things about my personal life.

 

jake @bibibi9

oh damn!!!! im sorry if u felt pressured into telling!!

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

It's okay, man. This is actually a pretty good segway.

 

-

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

While we're talking about my personal life, @STARKCEO and I have been working with HAART on a project to help fight against human trafficking for a several months now. You can donate to help here: [ The Black Widow Project ]

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

This project has taken a long time. Our primary mission is to provide employment and economic empowerment to victims of all types of human trafficking and spreading awareness as well as identifying the indicators of human trafficking and assist victims.

 

ELAINA @starkslut

oh shit this is legit hell yeah

 

-

 

dev @devinitely

bro the avengers really be saving lives in all types of different ways huh? they really just wanna help make the world a better place. go donate to the black widow project.

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

please go donate to #TheBlackWidowProject [ here ]

 

-

 

xenon @xeomono

guys #TheBlackWidowProject is number 1 worldwide and has already raised over a thousand dollars.. maybe the world isnt so bad after all

Chapter Text

h @keener

*on my way by phil collins playing in the background*

 

h @keener

brother bear stays the best disney movie

 

best intern @peterparker

is this your way of saying you're coming to ny rn?

 

h @keener

yes

 

best intern @peterparker

holy shit!!!!!!!!

 

-

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

things i am not prepared for: harley and spidey flirting irl

 

ned @gitc

spideys going to be such a mess

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

hes going to turn as red as his mask watch it happen

 

ned @gitc

i mean.. like you were any better around shuri

 

yeet @shuri

the difference is that me and mj were flirting with each other. all of us collectively know that spidey will just blush and smile a bunch.

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

shes right. poor dude has 0 game.

 

spidey @spiderman

you don't know that!!!!!!!! i could be smooth if i wanted to

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

dude. the only thing "smooth" about you is when you're swinging on your webs.

 

spidey @spiderman

which is very smooth and im proud of that!

 

ned @gitc

you stepped on a lego yesterday and jumped like a cat and got stuck to the roof of my room.

 

spidey @spiderman

seriously ned??? that was between us!!!

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

one time you walked into my kitchen counter. and then apologized. to the counter.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

You threw a bag of money out of a bank window once to get it away from the robbers.

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

you choked on a handful of popcorn when i met you for the second time. you were choking for a solid 10 seconds.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

you called me a robot and then started crying because of how much you were apologizing

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

Remember that time when you mixed up "thank you" and "no problem" so you somehow came up with "you're a problem"

 

spidey @spiderman

what did i do to deserve this

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

When we first really met I had an conversation with everyone (which you could've spoken in but chose to gawk at everyone instead) and, as I was leaving, I heard you go 'h...hi'. It was sweet. But no. I can't imagine spider-man smooth talking anyone soon.

 

spidey @spiderman

you know i was really hoping that you just….. didnt hear that

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

I hear everything

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

you know what? no. im going to expose the avengers. NOBODY IS SAFE!

 

Tony Stark @STARK

What do you even have on us, kid?

 

spidey @spiderman

tony stark buys 5 pizzas but he tells everyone he buys 4 so he can have one all to himself.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Wow.

 

spidey @spiderman

rhodey spends a strange amount of time just standing around. he won't be doing anything. he'll just be… standing there.

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

I'm appreciative of my ability to stand, okay?

 

spidey @spiderman

oh damn now i feel bad

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

You should.

 

spidey @spiderman

anyway. sam wilson will laugh at random times because he thought of something funny and then will race out to the living room to find the nearest person to tell the joke to.

 

Falcon @samwilson

don't even act like my jokes aren't amazing.

 

spidey @spiderman

oh they're hilarious! it's just funny bc you don't even Try to hide the fact that you'll start up a conversation just to tell a joke.

 

spidey @spiderman

natasha romanoff loves animals. specifically meerkats and deer.

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

How do you know that?

 

spidey @spiderman

pepper potts wakes up early so she can watch the dodo videos on youtube

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

You only know this because your sleep schedule is so messed up. Don't think I don't know.

 

spidey @spiderman

shuri feels like she should fix everything wrong in the world and it's Not Good For Her

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Didn't you want to enter a different dimension to help a few days ago?

 

spidey @spiderman

it's different for me

 

yeet @shuri

LITERALLY HOW

 

spidey @spiderman

im spider-man

 

yeet @shuri

and? im shuri.

 

spidey @spiderman

again, moving ON, bucky barnes is really cryptic and will say random russian words and then his eyes will glaze over and he'll watch music videos until he starts talking again

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

i don't know how you want me to respond to this.

 

spidey @spiderman

thor acts dumb to get people to do stuff for him

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

I realized this when he started talking about wormholes. There's no way you know this stuff and then not know how to do the dishes.

 

THOR @THUNDER

wormholes are space. i have a lot of experience with that.

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Sure…

 

spidey @spiderman

clint barton has a weird obsession with candles. he buys so many. they all smell amazing.

 

Clint @Hawkeye

That's barely a call-out.

 

spidey @spiderman

you spend around $50 on candles every month. The avengers tower is so big nobody notices all of the candles but me bc of my Super Smell.

 

Clint @Hawkeye

Okay okay that's enough

 

spidey @spiderman

bruce banner is secretly a cuddle bug

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

How???

 

spidey @spiderman

im quiet and yall sleep on the couch

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Dang.

 

spidey @spiderman

okay who else is there

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Wanda, Vision, Harley, T'challa, Ant-Man, and Steve.

 

spidey @spiderman

vision fakes not being able to cook and wanda knows this, but she teaches him anyway bc shes so bored.

 

spidey @spiderman

t'challa knows a lot of memes but pretends he doesnt to make shuri pissed off

 

spidey @spiderman

steve rogers hates that his name is captain america

 

spidey @spiderman

ant-man is the one shining light in this dark world

 

spidey @spiderman

and harley plays around but he really looks up to mr. stark

 

h @keener

jesus chr

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

oh…

 

yeet @shuri

t'challa does WHAT NOW

 

T'challa @BlackPanther

anna ou-

 

yeet @shuri

are you KIDDING ME

Chapter Text

[ h spidey ]

 

h: im here

 

spidey: WHAT

 

h: im here

 

spidey: IN NY????

 

h: peter. im here. im literally with tony at ur school. were in happys car

 

spidey: OFHHRHMY GODDDHDH IM LOSITN MY MIND

 

spidey: OKAY I ASKED MY TEACHER TO USE THE BATHROOM AN IM JUST GOIGN TO SKIP THE RES TOF THIS CLASS

 

h: oo hes a bad boy

 

spidey: IM RUNNGIN

 

h: dhsadhajfh??????? was that YOU??$?#&#&#&

 

spidey: DID YOU SEE ME

 

h: YEAH THROUGH THE WINDOW FHSJT

 

h: YOURE SO FAST

 

spidey: im YEETING

 

h: oh my god slow down



h: hi

 

spidey: im sitting right next to you

spidey: this is so surreal. i cant believe i just texted that to u

 

h: i just wanted to text bc i cant say this in front if tony but

 

spidey: omg

 

h: you're so fuckign HOT AND CUTE

 

spidey: OFHSJQJANRJQJRJ????

 

h: STOP LAUGHING TONY'LL CATCH ON

 

spidey: I MEAN,,, YOU TOO

 

h: im not laughing wym

 

spidey: no i mean like. you're cute too

 

h: and hot?

 

spidey: yeah that too

spidey: are you blushing rn?

 

h: LIKE YOU ARENT

 

spidey: ok we gotta stop bc if mr. stark asks me why im red i will fall off the face of the earth

 

h: do you see him staring at us through the sun blocker mirror thingy

 

spidey: fjsjdj that's one way to call it but yeah omg …. im scared

 

h: wait.

h: i have an idea

 

spidey: oh no. please tell me.

 

h: let's fuck w tony

 

spidey: okay okay okay what's ur plan

 

h: let's make him think that we're secretly dating

 

spidey: I MEAN IM NOT SAYINT NO BUT,,,,, WHY.??

 

h: because it'll drive him crazy?? can u imagine.

h: what do you say?

 

spidey: i say… yes

 

h: FUCK YEAH

 

-

 

[ spidey ned ]

 

spidey: [screenshot of harley and his conversation]

spidey: oh my FUCKING GOD?

 

ned: why are all my friends living in fan fiction tropes

 

spidey: ok but im losing my mind right

spidey: this cant be real

spidey: this is my life?????

 

ned: yeah i guess so man

 

spidey: ned you don't understand

spidey: his bde is crazy . i know he was confident and stuff during texts and voice call but

spidey: he literally did a lean and tilted his head all cocky while talking to me

 

ned: tilted his head all what now?

 

spidey: shut up oh myhfjs

 

ned: i think he likes you back tbh

 

spidey: SHUT UPPPPPP im CLOWNIN

 

ned: at this point you need to prove that he doesnt like you back

 

spidey: NEDDDDDDD

 

ned: DID I LIE? DID I FUCKING LIEEEE?

 

spidey: IFAHROAJSJAJDJAJDJSJFHAJDH

spidey: I STARTED STUTTERING MY WORDS AND HE STARTED LAUGHING AND I JUST BLURTED OUT "are you laughing at me?" AND HE SAYS IN TBE MOST SINCERE VOICE "never" IM SO SOFRTTTT HE SMILED AT ME

 

ned: are you a gay or something?

 

spidey: im so FUCKING gay

spidey: well bi but . Homosexuality

 

ned: yknow w u 2 "fake" dating . u probably will end up kissing at some point

 

spidey: i will jump out of this car window and strangle you with my web

 

ned: okay jesus

 

spidey: IM SORRY-

 

ned: drink sum water or somthin dam😳

 

spidey: it's clown hours .

 

-

 

[ Tony Stark Pepper Potts , Rhodey ]

 

Tony: Guys. Help

 

Pepper: What's wrong? Is everything okay?

 

Tony: Harley is laying it on thick and Peter is smiling a bunch. I hate this

 

Pepper: Elaborate

 

Tony: They're flirting. In front of me

 

Pepper: What kind of stuff are they saying?

 

Tony: They're texting and chatting a little and Harley keeps winking and Pete started stuttering

Tony: I mean it's cute but I don't like it

 

Rhodey: Are you seriously texting us because your 2 adopted sons are… Flirting?

 

Tony: The absolute gaul on you. I have never adopted anyone

 

Rhodey: Mhm. Legally, sure.

 

Pepper: I'm down.

 

Tony: What?

 

Pepper: I would adopt Peter or/and Harley. Just saying.

 

Tony: WHAT

 

Rhodey: This seems like an in-person conversation

 

Pepper: Agreed.

 

Tony: I love you both so much but you guys are DOWNERS!

 

Pepper: Is that why you hang out with teenagers?

 

Tony: I am their MENTOR, thank you very much

Tony: speaking of which, they keep staring at each other and then texting one another. I've been glaring at them to stop for like 30 mins and it's not working

 

Rhodey: This is so stupid. Does it bother you that they're together or that they're not together?

Rhodey: Or does it bother you that you don't know?

 

Tony: Uhhhhhhghg

 

Pepper: Bingo!

 

Tony: You both know me too well.

 

Rhodey: What are you even planning with this, anyway? Are you thinking of adopting Harley?

 

Tony: He just needs a home away from home right now.

 

Pepper: Tony…

 

Tony: What

 

Pepper: I love you so much. I love your heart and your brilliant mind. But you need to realize that Harley's been on his own for most of his life. His mother was working constantly, his father wasn't around. He practically raised his sister.

 

Tony: I liked the first 2 sentences!

 

Pepper: With him coming here and really having a home and a place to rest, with a loving father and friends that he likes.

Pepper: He's not going to want to leave it.

 

Rhodey: If we're really being honest, you fell in love with that kid in the span of what? 4 days? After a week passes with seeing him every day you won't want him to leave either.

 

Tony: I came out to complain and honestly I'm feeling so attacked right now

 

Pepper: For fucks sake

 

Tony: Okay okay Jeez. I don't know.

Tony: He still has a mother and a sister and if I think about this, then that's basically stealing

 

Rhodey: Mhm. Sure.

 

Pepper: That's not…

Pepper: We'll finish this conversation a week from now when you want to adopt him.

 

-

 

[ hspidey ]

 

h: is tony crying

Chapter Text

ned @gitc

ya boy is 5th wheeling but it's all my best friends

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Now you know how I feel when I'm with @STARK @STARKCEO and @WarMachine

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

How is it 5th wheeling when all three of us are dating?

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

+Thor and Bruce.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Come on, we're not that obvious

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

How can you say that when just last night I asked you to pass the salt and you responded with "I'm too busy holding Pepper" and then lifted your hands to show you were holding both Rhodey and Peppers hands

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I have 2 hands for a reason.

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Grow a third one so you can pass me salt sometime.

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

I don't remember that?

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

You we're sleeping on his shoulder.

 

ned @gitc

omg this is so cute

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Thor and I aren't obvious either!

 

Tony Stark @STARK

@peterparker Post the video

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

??

 

best intern @peterparker

[the avengers all sitting around a table eating loudly, in the corner thor and bruce sitting next to each other. bruce wipes thor's mouth with a napkin, then they kiss bruce's cheek with a smile. the camera flips and shows peter fake-crying out of cuteness]

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

I didn't see you take that!

 

best intern @peterparker

point is you're all obvious and its adorable.

 

best intern @peterparker

also ned shut up and watch the movie you're not fifth wheeling

 

ned @gitc

idk man………

 

h @keener

there's 6 people here and 2 of them aren't holding someone's hands

 

ned @gitc

shut up harley you're holding spidey's hands

 

ned @gitc

i see what ur doing and i hate you

 

ELAINA @starkslut

THAT VIDEO OF BRUCE AND THORR OG H MY GOD

 

do u @rmbrwltr

HARLEY AND SPIDEY ARE HOLDING HANDS I REPEAT SPIDEY AND HARLEY ARE HOLDING HANDS

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Hm.

 

-

 

dirk @agentgently

Unfollow Me Now, This Is Gonna Be the Only Thing I Tweet About For The Next Week. I've Wanted This For Years. What the Fuck. [screenshot of thor kissing bruce's cheek]

 

-

 

snake @loki

hello everyone. my house is getting filled with wonderful art of me and i need somewhere to put it where it can be fully seen. thor said no to opening a museum, so i made a petition [ here ]

 

THOR @THUNDER

how did you already get 1000 people to sign? is this one of your tricks?

 

snake @loki

no tricks. the people just love me.

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

i kind of want to see it happen, to be honest.

 

THOR @THUNDER

how could you betray me like this.

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

pretty easily

 

delilah @heythere

wow val comin thru w the burns today damn!

 

jake @bibibi9

i love the idea of a museum of only drawings of loki.

 

snake @loki

maybe humans do have some scrap of common sense.

 

-

 

dp @deadpool

met the amazing @daredevil today. we should make us Team Red! right @spiderman ?

 

spidey @spiderman

do you think you'd be able to not kill anyone?

 

dp @deadpool

yes!

 

dd @daredevil

Why the name team red?

 

dp @deadpool

because we all have red suits, duh!

 

dd @daredevil

Right... I definitely knew that.

 

dp @deadpool

okay..

 

-

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

STEVE.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

im so.. i cant believe this.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

STEVEN ROGERS @CaptainAmerica

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

WHAT

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

i found your sketchbooks bicht

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

shit what did you find

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

you drew me???? when you got out of the ice???

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

no i definitely did not

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

you date your drawings. that is definitely a drawing of me.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

please you absolute SAP

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

im the sap??? me????

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

Cap the Sap.

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

stop you'll start a hashtag

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

#capthesap is now trending. i hate you.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

the poem next to my drawing says otherwise

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

stop exposing me like this

 

Falcon @samwilson

Bucky's crying, just so you know.

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

WHOS THE SAP NOW.

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

cap the sap? more like baby barnes

 

Falcon @samwilson

cap the sap is still the only one trending

 

ophelia @heavenly

soooo are we going to sit around and wait for the drawing to be posted orrrr

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

i don't mind!

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

🥰

[image of a well-drawn portrait of bucky]

 

ophelia @heavenly

WHAT THE FUCK THAT'S SO GOOD

 

duffie @leitner

i don't know what skill level i was expecting but that is AMAZIGN

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

Stevie's been an artist for years!

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

am i an artist if none of my art was sold?

 

Falcon @samwilson

Yes.

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

then i guess i have :)

Chapter Text

spidey @spiderman

hey @STARK are you busy rn

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Not exactly? What's up?

 

spidey @spiderman

so there was this guy with a glowy knife and he stabbed me a few days ago with it and it's not healing should i come over

 

Tony Stark @STARK

WHAT

 

Tony Stark @STARK

YES YOU SHOULD COME OVER

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Jesus I feel like I'm having a heart attack

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

YOU WERE STABBED??????????

 

spidey @spiderman

LIGHTLY…. STABBED

 

ned @gitc

I SAW YOU YESTERDAY AND YOU JUST HAD AN OPEN WOUND????

 

spidey @spiderman

it wasnt open jfc im not a complete idiot

 

h @keener

if you weren't a complete idiot you wouldnt have gotten stabbed in the first place

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I second that.

 

spidey @spiderman

I BREATHED.

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Update: Spiderling is okay. Everything is under control.

 

ELAINA @starkslut

sounds like someone would say when things are not under control

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Physically everything is fine.

 

ELAINA @starkslut

irondad feels

 

jaime @romanholiday

PH WAIT THAT MADE ME SO SOFT

 

ophelia @heavenly

tony stark went from badass sugar daddy to loving dad that has a billion dollars

 

h @keener

i never want to read the word "sugar daddy" when referring to tony ever again

 

-

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

hey @spiderman i know ur still healing but can i get a favor

 

spidey @spiderman

.. yeah what is it

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

swing over i have everything set up

 

spidey @spiderman

aight

 

spidey @spiderman

why

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

you cant say no bc i was there when u helped ur guardian and u were weirdly good

 

spidey @spiderman

what can i say? i watch a lot of youtube beauty gurus (the good ones.)

 

-

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

my hair is now dyed red and it looks sick as fuck.

 

yeet @shuri

im love you

 

-

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

How to breathe when your partner Looks Like That? Send tweet.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Rt ×2

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Rt

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

says you

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Says you!

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

I choked on my ramen when they walked in.

 

Falcon @samwilson

It's true i just watched him do it

 

THOR @THUNDER

oh no! :( you choked because of me? why?

 

snake @loki

sigh.

 

Clint @Hawkeye

When Bruce saw Thor's arms for the first time he nearly passed out

 

THOR @THUNDER

?????? (!!!!!)

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

who's going to tell them

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

bruce thinks thor is so pretty he chokes on his noodles.

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Ramen. But. Yeah basically.

 

THOR @THUNDER

how sweet.. i find myself in awe of bruce's wonderful mind so it is mutual

 

THOR @THUNDER

he is also very pretty

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Weren't we talking about obviousness a few days ago?

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

No comment.

 

-

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

was anyone going to tell me that the pinta island tortoise went extinct in 2012 or was i supposed to read that on google myself?

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! MR LONGEY

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

I KNOW… MR LONGEY

 

gallo @tgawlocg

whos mr longey

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

mr longey was a pinta island tortoise plushie stevie made in sewing class and gave him to me as a birthday gift

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

i wonder if that little fella ever made it somehow

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

that little fella definitely never made it. i took him with me when i went off to war. the whole prisoner thing happened and i kinda lost all my possessions

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

lost a little more than just your stuff but yeah

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

why don't i just…. make you a new one?

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

because i would probably break down and marry you all over again

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

you cheeseball

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

#CapTheSap

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

NOT AGAIN

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

HOW IS IT TRENDING AGAIN???????

 

-

 

ned @gitc

that was cute and all but holy shit so many animals are going extinct

 

ned @gitc

i would die for every animal. reptiles and insects deserve all the rights. mammals i love you but humans are mammals so ur on thin fucking ice.

 

Scott @ant_man

i felt that.

 

best intern @peterparker

what about birds?

 

ned @gitc

birds used to be dinosaurs and dinosaurs are reptiles. therefore birds = reptiles.

 

best intern @peterparker

that tweet just gave me whiplash holy shit

 

Scott @ant_man

i feel like my third eye is crowning

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Scott, I think you're an amazing person, but what the genuine fuck.

 

Scott @ant_man

you think im amazing?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

That's not what I was– okay

Chapter Text

spidey @spiderman

physical pain sucks and all but nothing can ever compare to the pain i feel psychologically

 

Falcon @samwilson

Are you? okay? do you want help?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

This might be one of the most worrisome things I've read today

 

-

 

ava @medic.medic

dude. spider-man doesnt get a break.

 

dp @deadpool

if only you guys knew the half of it .

 

ava @medic.medic

stop i don't want to think ab it :((

 

ava @medic.medic

wait holy shit that was deadpool

 

jack @squirrelstan

that means he probably knows the half of it im Sad

 

ava @medic.medic

AAAAAAAA


-

 

ELAINA @starkslut

i love how protective tony is of spidey 🥺🥺

 

-

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

мой муж гуще миски овсянки

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Ты понимаешь, что люди могут перевести это?

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

Мне действительно все равно на данный момент

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

can someone translate this convo please

 

vanya @whiteviola

do you really want to know what it says?

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

i….. am unsure?

 

THOR @THUNDER

what does thick mean in that context?

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

i don't want to know.

 

-

 

Scott @ant_man

google translate is a blessing and a curse. mostly a blessing.

 

-

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

How Many Ways Can I Say "I love you" While Still Being Emotionally Detached — An Autobiography by Tony Stark

 

h @keener

this dude is perfectly fine with helping me, in almost every aspect, but when i begin to say "i lo-" he has an aneurysm. what?????

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

Tony is one of the most loving people I've ever met, but he Can't Handle It.

 

h @keener

he really cant

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Okay 1) how dare you.

2) how … dare you???????

 

h @keener

tony u have 2 brain cells. one can do everything and the other just sits there thinkin ab poptarts all day.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Proof?

 

h @keener

look in the mirror there that's proof

 

Tony Stark @STARK

You have 1 brain cell and it's just a loop of spiderling. Don't think I don't know.

 

h @keener

MAYBE SO.

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

Jesus Christ

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

i am thankful for many things in my life. number one is that happy doesn't have twitter.

 

leigh @terrydakdoll

idk if this is supposed to be poetic or you know someone named happy

 

spidey @spiderman

happy hogan!!!! hogan happy!!!

 

leigh @terrydakdoll

cute!

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

That would be hilarious— he would HATE it

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

I can't stop laughing. He'd lose his mind.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

[video of pepper sitting on a couch, phone clutched in hand, doubled over, laughing her absolute ass off.]

 

spidey @spiderman

THE WHEEZE FISJFJSJFJDJF

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

dude i fucking love pepper potts so much

 

Tony Stark @STARK

rt

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

rt

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

rt

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

rt

 

THOR @THUNDER

rt

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

rt

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

rt

 

Falcon @samwilson

rt

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

rt

 

Clint @Hawkeye  

rt

 

NF @FURY

rt

 

yeet @shuri

rt

 

-

 

rayne @tonystarklovebot

finally pepper is getting the love and attention she deserves

 

eric loves spidey @web.bheadz

every interview w her in it is always such a joy. She's the boss baby.

 

greyson @lgbitch

BOSS BABY?????????

 

-

 

yeet @shuri

hangin out w sum goats… the kids miss u @jbbarnes

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

tell anwa i miss her and give her extra grass for me

 

yeet @shuri

sure i will definitely tell anwa the goat that the white wolf misses her

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

thank you

 

yeet @shuri

also the actual kids miss u too

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

Meh

 

yeet @shuri

WOW

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

IM KIDDING!!!! tell them i miss them too

 

T'challa @blackpanther

You know you can always visit the children. I don't know why, but they like you very much.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

hurts.

 

T'challa @blackpanther

You're a good storyteller

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

thank you king

 

yeet @shuri

bring mj with you if u decide to visit!!!

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

i just realized ive never really met mj

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

i saw u once in my life and you just smiled at me and waved

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

id like to talk to you sometime!

 

-

 

ned @gitc

harley just obliterated tony stark holy moly

 

best intern @peterparker

MY JAW DROPPED

 

yaz @bonboyaj

what did he say

 

ned @gitc

pepper was talking about what tony was like when they first met and tony goes "i was such a dog." harley goes "youre basically still a dog". they get into a little argument, it's kinda sweet, and then harley leans back in his chair and interrupts tony mid-speech

 

ned @gitc

this sly fucking cowboy goes "if i threw a stick, you’d leave, right?" . dead silence.

 

diana @sapp1re

SYFYDYTADGHDGHHFGFJKDFDGEAGAVHDCHRXTTCYDCRUSYDUFGIXT

Chapter Text

h @keener

so . bruce wanted to help spidey with the pain and so he found out that it takes a heap of meds to even begin to work, and w his metabolism it's gone in like. a second.

 

h @keener

so what he concluded to was, if 15 tylenol lasts 2 mins, we should use an anaesthetic because of his heightened senses and it's a stronger medication.

 

h @keener

we assumed that a low dosage wouldn't work, so we went for a medium-high dose. keep in mind that when i say "low dosage", i mean getting ur wisdom teeth out amount.

 

h @keener

our calculations… were off… to say the least

 

tara @fucktino

uh oh

 

h @keener

if he wasn't spider-man he'd probably be in a coma. but instead he's so incredibly high. it's kind of hilarious. he keeps kissing peoples foreheads and then calling them beautiful. thor walked in and he climbed on his shoulders and cried.

 

joanie @roseland

pics or it didn't happen

 

h @keener

oh boy. one sec ill record it since he just put his mask on and started singing tainted love but every time the DUN DUN happens he slaps the couch.

 

h @keener

[ a shaky video of spider-man laying limply on a couch, hes trying his best at singing stacy's mom , but it's not good.

 

"what're you up to?" harley asks behind the camera. the masked face turns to him slowly, raising a suspecting finger at the boy.

 

"have you ever, like, lifted something heavy before?" he whispered, as if it was a secret, eyes huge.

 

there was a small laughter from harley "yea, i think i have."

 

"woah," he said breathlessly "i could lift yo—"

 

"absolutely not."

 

the video ends with a high-pitched yelp, harley, being lifted into the air. ]

 

natalia @assistantassasin

IS HE CARRTING YOU RIGHT NOW

 

jake @bibibi9

HFAJJFJAJFJA

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

[ a video that begins with bruce's smiling face before he flips the camera to show spider-man with harley slung over his shoulder, who is yelling.

 

"oh my god, put me down! i swear on my yeezes i will kill you! put me down!" harley says through a choked laugh as spidey marches in a circle, belting out hurricane by bridgit mendler ]

 

jake @bibibi9

HE SAID HE SWORE ON HIS YEEZES AS HE WAS WEARING SKETCHERS

 

h @keener

BICHT LEAVE ME ALONE

 

-

 

she got them $100 bills @sheaintgotnone

spidey was right when he said harleys voice was nice but i was not expecting spidey to sound so mf cute

 

-

 

snake @loki

da black jeans or da black jeans for today

 

snake @loki

da black turtleneck or da black button up for today

 

snake @loki

da horns for today? no, im feeling a little tired

 

snake @loki

i miss my days as a whore

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

I'm not going to ask. I'm not going to ask. I'm not going to ask.

 

snake @loki

youre supposed to say "youll always be a whore in my heart!" to make me feel better

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

I'm not saying that

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

you'll always be a whore in my heart.

 

snake @loki

see? i instantly feel better.

 

snake @loki

and its more meaningful coming from the valkyrie

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

it should be

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Okay!

 

-

 

chris! @isthtaweed

i don't know what's going on with loki but i love it

 

-

 

THOR @THUNDER

where is mjolnir

 

Tony Stark @STARK

I thought your sister destroyed it?

 

THOR @THUNDER

she did but i collected all the pieces and the strange man fixed it with the time stone

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Oh then I haven't seen it

 

spidey @spiderman

it's in the kitchen

 

THOR @THUNDER

i didnt leave it in the kitchen. i put it in it's bed where it belongs.

 

snake @loki

did someone move it?

 

THOR @THUNDER

none of the avengers are worthy! most tried!

 

spidey @spiderman

worthy????? i thought that was a myth

 

THOR @THUNDER

spider boy, did you see someone lift mjolnir?

 

spidey @spiderman

yeah it was super dirty so i brought it to the sink and cleaned it

 

snake @loki

you… what? what? excuse me, WHAT?

 

THOR @THUNDER

HAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE BOY IS WORTHY!!!!!!!

 

spidey @spiderman

im so confused and sooo high

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Kid are you serious

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Oh, so that makes two of us.

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

wait WHAT

 

snake @loki  

WHAT THE FUCKD WHAT RHE FUCK??????

 

THOR @THUNDER

IM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!! WE MUST CELEBRATE!!!!!

 

Tony Stark @STARK

NO DRINKING

 

THOR @THUNDER

if the boy can lift mjolnir he can drink!

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Nope.

 

THOR @THUNDER

fine, what about natasha?

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

I'm down

 

snake @loki

im ready to be put down

 

THOR @THUNDER

WE CELEBRATE AT DAWN!

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

how about like 10pm tomorrow

 

THOR @THUNDER

THAT WORKS TOO!!

 

ELAINA @starkslut

what is happening

 

-

 

ophelia @heavenly

list of people that can lift mjolnir:

□ thor

□ black widow

□ spidey

□ APPARENTLY HUMANS BRUH

 

-

 

Todd @MexicanFuneral

okay so not only is a 17 year old able to be a radioactive superhero, hes also worthy of lifting thors hammer, which we thought only he could do (but black widow can too.)

 

amanda @punkbaby

i feel like im having a consistent lucid crack dream . nothing feels real anymore

 

-

 

Avengers News @AvengersNews

Spider-man and Black Widow are Worthy

 

caleb @galloh

spiders are lighting culture

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

wait what

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Okay, I'm losing my fuckign marbles at this point.

 

delilah @heythere

the new jenna marbles video is gna be: Dressing Up My Dogs As The Avengers

 

Jenna Marbles @Jenna_Marbles

...That's actually a good idea

 

-

 

yeet @shuri

(laughing nervously) what the fuck?

Chapter Text

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

@STARKCEO today?

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

It's better sooner than later.

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

okay

 

Steve Rogers @CaptainAmerica

i'll be making a speech in an hour. come if you can.

 

dirk @agentgently

im scared but im going

 

-

 

dirk @agentgently

im shaking so much i just recorded that whole thing holy fuck

 

riley @webheadd5

WHAT HAPPENED MY ENTIRE TL IS FREAKING OUT BUT NOT SAYING ANY SPECIFICS

 

dirk @agentgently

HERES IT IS I LITERALLY CANT BREATHE

 

[ a video of steve, who is standing behind a podium with lined paper in front of him. hes not looking at it too much, hes mostly glancing over his shoulder where happy is whispering something in his ear. they laugh, and steve claps him on his shoulder before happy walks away. the chattering quiets as he stands up a little straighter and towards the crowd.

 

"alright," he says, catching the attention of anyone who was still talking "this is probably going to be one of the most important decisions of my life. and im, well, me."

 

steve smiles at the audience for a moment.

 

"ever since i was born, i've wondered who i was. whether that had to do with the amount of illnesses i had, my experience as being transgender and bisexual in the 40's, or maybe that's just a natural reaction to being human, i can't say. when i was given this gift to be who i am, when i was given this shield , i had who i wanted to be all planned out, i knew how i wanted to change the world… then i went under the ice. and when i came back up, the world i had known was gone." he paused, looking off-stage for a second.

 

"to be seen as the figure of america and freedom, when i myself and so many others were not free… it was difficult. and when i came out of the ice, i thought for a moment that everything had been fixed. i was blind sighted by the amount of change that had happened since the 40s, just for a second. and in that moment i realized that ahead of my time did not mean forever. it's almost unbelievable how far this country has gone. but i don't believe it's been enough."

 

the crowd looked confused as to where this was going, a few small 'what's happening?' could be heard.

 

"change is inevitable, and it's been pretty good. i can be with my family. racism is… a bad… example. segregation is gone! mostly. which—okay, im not going to get into that— yup."  he huffed out a breath.

a small laugh breaks out across the crowd. steve's face is a little red. he looks to his pages for support.

 

"what im saying here is that steve rogers and captain america have become synonymous, and with the amount of progression that has happened in this country, i think it's about time for a change of pace for that too. captain america was never meant to be just a good soldier, but a good person. it took me years of searching and friendship to find someone that i know fits that title, and someone i trust and care about deeply."

 

the audience was dead-silent in a cocktail of anticipation and shock.

 

"people have relied and believed in my ability to make tough decisions for many years, and this is definitely up there. that's why i hope you can trust my judgement when i tell you im passing the shield and title to my good friend sam wilson. i cant imagine anyone else but him to pass this onto, and we've spent many months talking and i know for a fact he will do not just the right thing, but also the good thing." he finished, his face being lit up by flashing cameras. ]

 

riley @webheadd5

WHAT THE FUCK AR EYOU FOR RREAALS

 

dirk @agentgently

I FUCKFIDN KNOW LIKE DUDEE!!!!!!!!!! THIS SJ SO WILDDDDD

 

-

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

uhh since we’re all passing things to another person,,,,,,,

 

FCA @samwilson

you’re not getting ur greasy hands my wings

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

greasy???? screw you. redwing likes me more

 

FCA @samwilson

you take that back

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

why should i

 

FCA @samwilson

take that back right fucking now

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

whyd you save me that one time if this isnt what you were planning

 

FCA @samwilson

you owed me $20. i WILL get that $20

 

-

 

CNN @CNN

Steve Rogers Gives Title of Captain America To Sam Wilson

 

jake @bibibi9

THIS IS SO CRAZYT..???

 

-

 

ELAINA @starkslut

i leave twitter for one day and steve had an identity crisis

 

ophelia @heavenly

he just changed his @ im crying this is so much change all at once

 

ELAINA @starkslut

why is sams name FCA now??????

 

FCA @samwilson

falcon captain america

 

ophelia @heavenly

sam i love you so much but that's the stupidest thing ive ever read

 

-

 

yeet @shuri

this is great! i cant wait to become the queen of wakanda

 

T'challa @blackpanther

you cant wait for what now

 

-

 

scott @ant_man

great now that steve isnt captain america i don't feel as bad anymore

 

scott @ant_man

i can tweet what i want

 

scott @ant_man

no one:

 

steve rogers:

 

|     \

|       \

|       \

|                \ \

|      \  \

|       \   \       

|        |    |

|       /   /

|        /  /

|       |    |

 

Hope @HVD

you have a daughter

 

scott @ant_man

and? shes not old enough to be on twitter

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Besides, he's right and he should say it

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

amen!

Chapter Text

diego @aquaknife

do you think king tchallas mom was super snacky while giving birth so when they asked for the babys name she just said "tea and challah bread" n they were like "fuck okay write that down i guess"

 

yeet @shuri

OH MY FUCKIFHG GOD????????????? IGISU GJAJYJSJDJSJGJSJDJ

 

T'challa @blackpanther

Oh.

 

-

 

carlson @buckyscap

what fucking witch cursed new york bro holy shit ... that place always has some crazy supervillain

 

eleanor @noice.smort

fr every time someone tells me they live in ny i always get so nervous

 

h @keener

ive been here for a week and it's terrifying even without the chance of death

 

carlson @buckyscap

if i was a criminal id stay as far away from ny as i can. imagine trying to get some weed and fucking spiderman sticks you to a wall

 

h @keener

FSGISIFHS

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers

happy pride month! we've come so far!!

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

it took long enough lmao

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers

ok true

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Happy pride! Trans Women of color started the LGBT movement! Pride began as a protest! Know your history! Be proud!

 

-

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

I don't do labels (Don't call me queer either, thanks) but happy pride to everyone who is out or in the closet. Be who you are. #LoveIsLove

 

-

 

THOR @THUNDER

asgard has always been flexible on sexuality and gender. i know midgard hasn't, and it has been difficult for you all.. i wish the best for all my human friends. it is time to celebrate your wins! go you! you're all so strong!

 

-

 

h @keener

im from good ol' nowhere in tennessee. there weren't any pride celebrations. im really excited. ive never hid the fact im gay but nobody really knew either yknow???? im really pumped

 

-

 

spidey @spiderman

sup it's me….. bider-man….. i swing both ways…… im so funny

 

-

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

As a trans woman I am so lucky to be in the position that I am in. I never thought something like this would be possible for me. Pride means not only acceptance, but love. The fight is nowhere near being over, but we're beginning to see a light at the end of a very long and very dark tunnel.

 

ELAINA @starkslut

youre trans?????????? how did i not know that wtf

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

Because I just came out right now.

 

ELAINA @starkslut

im in love with u miss potts

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

;)

 

-

 

snake @loki

i kind of wish i could send all my struggling lgbt kids to a planet more accepting but then this would be a planet with only cishet people and that would just be bad for everyone

 

-

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

im lesbian

 

yeet @shuri

i thought you were american?

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

i can be two things

 

-

 

ned @gitc

if i don't get a bf at pride i will riot

 

best intern @peterparker

mood

 

ned @gitc

boy…. stfu

 

best intern @peterparker

Dam ok

 

-

 

Rhodey @WarMachine

Since I've never officially said it: I'm pan! :)

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Me too!

 

-

 

FCA @samwilson

Honestly i don't know what i am im kind of just living yk? Yea.

 

-

 

riley @webheadd5

holy shit i love this

 

-

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

im 3 things:

■ amazing and incredible

■ has the best gf ever, and i mean ever

■ biggest bisexual in the galaxy

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

That's 4 things

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

ur going to glaze over the second point huh?

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Not in my heart.

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

okay, cute.

 

-

 

NF @FURY

The Avengers was started by a lesbian with a wife and a daughter.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

????????? Who is she?????????

 

NF @FURY

Hopefully you'll never meet.

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

carol?

 

NF @FURY

How do you know that?

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

dude. me and her are best friends. shed come and watch the fights. shed talk about goose and you all the time.

 

NF @FURY

And you never thought to tell me?

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

it's kinda awkward

 

NF @FURY

How.

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

lets just say after her wife told her to move on she did

 

NF @FURY

I did not need that information

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

you asked! besides it's over now im in a committed relationship

 

NF @FURY

Remind me to not ask again. Ever.

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Who the fuck is Carol

Chapter Text

[ spidey → mj , ned ]

 

spidey : guys

spidey : holy fuck GUYS

 

mj : dude what do you want

mj : i have an english exam on monday

 

spidey : im freaking out

spidey : like major freaking out

 

mj : are u ok??? don't die

 

ned : what's happening

 

spidey : me and harley were wrestling over the tv remote because i wanted to watch queer eye and he wanted to watch my strange addictions and i grabbed it from him but i fell back, and to stop myself from falling, i grabbed onto his shoulder. but it didn't work. and he fell on top of me. and in that exact second mr. stark walked in. saw us. and immediately walked out with no words

spidey : i can never face him again

 

ned : what the fucj

 

mj : are you okay

 

spidey : NO I AM NOT OKAY!!!! TONY STARK THINKS IM FUCKING HIS SON!!!!!!!!!

 

mj : i mean eventually it's going to happen,, so,,,

 

spidey : STOP

 

ned : why the fuck did harley want strange addictions over queer eye

 

mj : oh wait neds making a good point

 

spidey : THERE ARE BIGGER PROBLEMS HERE .

 

mj : are there? what else?

 

spidey : i literally hate all of you

 

ned : aw shucks

 

spidey : .

 

mj : so. Peter.

 

spidey : E

 

mj : how was it

 

spidey : how was what? being embarrassed to death?

 

mj : NO HTJDRY????

mj : i mean harley

 

ned : OHHHHHH!!!!

 

[ spidey has left the chat ]

 

-

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

bitch don't leave the conversation at the best part @spiderman

 

spidey @spiderman

i wanna die .

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

yeah how. death by dick?

 

ned @gitc

ok mood

 

h @keener

spidey what did you tell them

 

spidey @spiderman

.. everything

 

h @keener

shit ok

 

spidey @spiderman

how can i ever look him in the eye again

 

h @keener

he has security cameras. he knows we weren't actually

 

spidey @spiderman

do u think he looked

 

Tony Stark @STARK

No I did not look. Ew.

 

spidey @spiderman

mr.stark i promise that it wasnt what it looked like

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Uh huh.

 

h @keener

dude check the security cams

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Nope!

 

gallagher @gallagalaxy

k does anyone wanna explain what they're talking about

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Nope!

 

spidey @spiderman

im losing my fuckjfn mind i swear on my yeezus

 

-

 

dirk @agentgently

i don't know what's going on but i love it

 

-

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

*Dreams by Fleetwood Mac play in the background* … [selfie of bruce and thor, their cheeks pressed together. thor is smiling wide, eyes closed. bruce has a small smile, but hes looking at thor.]

 

yeet @shuri

everybody wanted to know what i would do if i didn't win……. I guess we'll never know

 

ophelia @heavenly

OH MY GODDDDDDDD THEYRE SO FUCKIFB BABY 🥺🥺🥺

 

-

 

snake @loki

i hate the avengers with my whole being (except for a total of 4 people)

 

THOR @THUNDER

am i one of the four?

 

snake @loki

you're different

 

THOR @THUNDER

who are the four?

 

snake @loki

that will never be revealed

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

ur so transparent . i know who the 4 people are.

 

THOR @THUNDER

why can scary girl know but i cant!!!!!

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

that is the biggest compliment ive ever gotten

 

snake @loki

i didnt tell her who they are. im pretty sure shes a witch or something.

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

i do like black cats

 

THOR @THUNDER

tell me who they are loki

 

snake @loki

no

 

THOR @THUNDER

mj tell me who they are please?

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

……. what will i get in return

 

THOR @THUNDER

i will make sure you meet brunnhilde again

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

huh

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

oh im cool w that

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

i mean i DO want that to happen

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

alright that and you NEVER. EVER. pat my head again. EVER.

 

THOR @THUNDER

deal.

 

snake @loki

no .

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

natasha, bruce, spiderman, bucky.

 

snake @loki

how the fuck

 

THOR @THUNDER

you DO like bruce!!!!! i knew it!!!!!

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

I don't know whether or not I'm supposed to be flattered.

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner

Ditto.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

i- okay…… uh. ok!

 

spidey @spiderman

I KENEW YOU LIKED ME MR LOKI!!!!!! I SAW U SMILE AT ME IN THE CORNER OF MY EYE BUT I THOUGHT I WAS GOING CRAZY

 

spidey @spiderman

im so,,,, HAPPY

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers

hello!! give me some movies to watch! ive seen all the super popular ones!

 

clarice @helloclarice

watch lady bird or die

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers

will do!

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers

wow okay that was an experience. holy shit

 

Tony Stark @STARK

LaNgUaGe

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers

will you ever get over that

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Not until the day I die.

 

-

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

I am so sick of Bucky.

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

He's like a feral cat. I swear.

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Me and Steve are trying to watch a movie and in the corner of my eye I see Bucky just standing watching the movie too. He could've been standing for hours. I don't know.

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Steve turns around and just smiles like this is NORMAL and I go "you want to sit down?" like, you know, a sane person. He looks me dead in the eyes and says that he's just stopping by.

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Stopping by?? Anyway. This was mid-movie. I turn around and think nothing of it. I assumed at some point he left.

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

I was wrong. He watched the whole movie standing. I ask him again if he wants to sit, but he says it's okay. I'm just like…. alright…

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

The movie is over. Steve gets up, and then Bucky says "Oh yeah I just wanted to ask you something and I got distracted" What. What?

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

idk it's something about timothy chamalet

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

That's not his name…

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Why didn't you sit down??

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

i just didnt want to?

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

You didn't— I don't know— get tired?

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

no?

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

Man you and Steve really are perfect for each other

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

i don't disagree but why do you say that?

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW

You Can Do This All Day™

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

HA!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers

pleshf

 

-

 

delilah @heythere

steve stops being cap for a few days and now all his friends are roasting him. i love it

Chapter Text

Steve Rogers @steverogers

it's so crazy how ive been in love with the same person since i was 16

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers

if i died right now, no matter how, id be dead a happy man because of who i got to spend my entire life with. i cant imagine a world where we aren't together. i don't want to imagine that world.

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers

ill never forget the first time i saw him after coming out of the ice. in that moment nothing else mattered and i just fell in love with him all over again. i was 16 and small and he had his arm over my shoulder as we waited for the school bell to ring.

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers

it's 4am i really should not be tweeting whatever i want rn..

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers

he just told me to get off my phone gn

 

stream local natives @gnaloseu

that was SO soft…… dear lord

 

riley @webheadd5

he said (still into you by paramore plays)

 

trevor @trevrun

the fact that hes like 100 years old and they've been in love since he was 16... that's fuckibf 84 years

 

delilah @heythere

STIOP IM GOIGN TO CRY :(((

 

-

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

oh hes SAPPY sappy tn

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

im bout to be ever sappier.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

there is nobody in the universe that knows me like stevie does and nobody ever will. i don't believe in soulmates or any of that gushy stuff but if i did, it would be him. it would always be him.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

if i believed in soulmates, i would believe i was born with steve rogers carved into my heart as deep as it could go. id believe our names were written together in the stars. id believe in god himself.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

but when the light hits his face right, when he holds my hand, or when it's midnight and hes still sketching in his book, maybe, for a moment, i do believe in soulmates. i believe like i do gravity.

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers

holy shit

 

-

 

FCA @samwilson

i go on twitter for 2 seconds and find love letters. clowns. actual clowns.

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

you have a point….

 

FCA @samwilson

don't agree with me it makes me very uncomfortable

 

-

 

ELAINA @starkslut

literally what the fuck is going on w steve and bucky rn…. when am i going to get that kind of love… WHEN…

 

selma @ilyprincessshuri

i think that kind of love was made for steve and bucky only

 

ELAINA @starkslut

god damn it!!! bitch!!! u gotta make me cry like that??????

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK

You're all so lucky I don't tweet everything...

 

ophelia @heavenly

example? example sir?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Just anything to do with the boys.

 

dirk @agentgently

now, when u say "the boys",,,,,,,,

 

Tony Stark @STARK

You all know exactly who I'm talking about

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

Ugh, what did they do now?

 

Tony Stark @STARK

Domestic shit. Fighting about sleep schedules.

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO

Hm. Not surprised!

 

spidey @spiderman

oh my godhjfjajrjfhe

 

h @keener

tony i hate you

 

Tony Stark @STARK

You love me.

 

h @keener

[and what about it.gif]

 

ELAINA @starkslut

may i just remind yall that nowhere did tony say ur names yet here you are…..

 

h @keener

[maybe so.gif]

 

-

 

snake @loki

hm…. im thinking of doing something a little reckless… a little… hm…

 

danielle @pocket_sunshine

what are you thinking Loki

 

snake @loki

well, danielle, i'm thinking of maybe adopting a fat black cat..

 

danielle @pocket_sunshine

oh my god please do

 

-

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

who the fuck gave loki a cat

 

danny @ligmatowels

NO WAYYYYYYYY FJSJFJZJGJSJFJ

 

-

 

snake @loki

i have adopted Him. [image of black cat]

 

carson @CallMe911

WHAT IS HIS NAME .

 

snake @loki

Dick Wolf.

 

carson @CallMe911

you did not name ur cat….. dick wolf

 

snake @loki

but i did. and i love him.

 

-

 

best intern @peterparker

im wondering ab making a private spam twt account bc it gets tiring when i gotta watch what i say on my accs

 

best intern @peterparker

acc*

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

you crave attention too much to have an account where you only have 3 followers

 

ned @gitc

HAHAHDSJ

 

best intern @peterparker

you shouldn't say it out loud like that…

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

besides what can't you say on here that you cant say on a private account?

 

best intern @peterparker

…....i know ur being sarcastic but mr stark once called me bc i tweeted that i hate myself

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

HA what did you say

 

best intern @peterparker

i said it was a joke and he came for my fucking throat

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

what do you????mean ???

 

best intern @peterparker

he goes: "you say that it's a joke but i know you internalize everything so spit it out."

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

HES RIGHT THOUGH

 

best intern @peterparker

IK BUT STILL

 

best intern @peterparker

SO WHAT IF I HATE MYSELF LIKE,, THAT'S MY BUSINESS

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

Peter………

 

best intern @peterparker

Michelle.

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

don't 'Michelle' me you little bitch

 

best intern @peterparker

wow okay were going straight into name calling now?

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

you started it

 

ned @gitc

UNTAG ME JESUS YOURE HAVING FULL BLOWN CONVERSATION OVER TWT MY MOMS SO MAD AT ME MY OHONES BEEN GOING CRAZY W THE NOTIFS

 

best intern @peterparker

oop sorry ned

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

im not sorry.

 

ned @gitc

you think this is a game, mj? you think my mom being mad is a game?

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

your mom is the game and let's just say im winning

 

best intern @peterparker

… did…. did mj really make a ur mom joke….

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

that i did.

 

best intern @peterparker

i don't know if im scared, disappointed, or joyous..

 

ned @gitc

mark me down for disappointed.

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

ned youre just mad because you know i slept with your mom

 

ned @gitc

STOHPP ITHSHGH

Chapter Text

sarah @sos_sarah

i wonder if pepper potts ever reads comments about her fiance, tony stark, saying how slutty he looks and she just goes "yeah"

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO 

Yeah

 

sarah @sos_sarah

i love you

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers 

it's movie night yet again! what should we watch?

[ okja | 12%  ]

[ wallflower | 33% ]

[ florida project | 5% ]

[ john wick |                   50% ]

12,748 votes • final results

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers 

john wick it is!

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers 

oh wow…. Oh Wow…. OH WOW…. OH MY GOD

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers 

this is infinitely funny, entertaining, and kind of cool

 

Bucky @jbbarnes 

im just here for keanu 

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers 

is that john wick 

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW 

Do not tell me you don't know who Keanu Reeves is, Steve. Don't tell me that.

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers 

im an old man!

 

Bucky @jbbarnes 

bitch so am i, your point?

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW 

Exactly 

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers 

well, i like this movie anyway…

 

-

 

ned @gitc 

im goin to wendys what should i get

 

best intern @peterparker 

get a snack wrap or die

 

ned @gitc 

d...do you want me to get you something peter

 

best intern @peterparker 

WAIT ACTUALLY WOULD U DO THAT

 

ned @gitc 

i mean yeah 

 

ned @gitc 

ill send u my location wayament 

 

best intern @peterparker 

I LUH YOU

 

-

 

best intern @peterparker 

god i love friendship [photo of peter and ned, both holding snack wraps]

 

best intern @peterparker

i promise to pay u back once i get a job

 

ned @gitc 

i keep telling u to sell ur photography but whatever 

 

natalie @ddsassitant

YOU DO PHOTOGRAPHY???? SHOW!!!!

 

best intern @peterparker 

idk ive only shown ned and may and they'd be supportive even if it sucked

 

ned @gitc 

peter im serious you're actually really good

 

ophelia @heavenly 

Show! Us!

 

best intern @peterparker 

mmmm……. okay…… 1 sec lemme get my favorites 

 

best intern @peterparker 

[photoset of different places in New York, 2 being skylines and 2 portraits of strangers, one being an old woman sitting on a bench at night with a cigarette in hand looking at her phone, another is a man with dreads sitting on a building roof]

 

ophelia @heavenly 

dude how did you get on the top of a building to get that second one

 

best intern @peterparker

i went up the stairs 

 

ophelia @heavenly 

okay…

 

jane h @letsgolesbians

did u ask permission to take their pictures??

 

best intern @peterparker 

of course?????????????? 

 

jane h @letsgolesbians

ok just asking bc it looks really natural 

 

ELAINA @starkslut

these are so good

 

best intern @peterparker 

see i still think ppl would like them anyway

 

ned @gitc 

oh my god just TAKE THE FREAKIN COMPLIMEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

best intern @peterparker 

IM SORRY

 

-

 

mj @lesbianmessiah 

its the end of pride month and i miss my gf can i get an aw dang

 

mj @lesbianmessiah 

black widow just dmed me saying aw dang. how did this become my life 

 

Flash @lightningboltflash

What????

 

mj @lesbianmessiah 

dude why do you follow me 

 

Flash @lightningboltflash

Because you're 1) friends with Spider-Man for some reason and 2) you're dating a Princess

 

mj @lesbianmessiah 

u make fun of one of my best friends???

 

best intern @peterparker

im one of your best friends? awww

 

mj @lesbianmessiah

DUH.

 

Flash @lightningboltflash

I'm surprised he has any friends if I'm being honest 

 

h @keener 

the fuck 

 

mj @lesbianmessiah 

flash can u please shut up for 1 goddamn second

 

h @keener 

peter is the best fuck u eugene

 

Flash @lightningboltflash

Literally who are you

 

mj @lesbianmessiah 

that's…. tony stark's kid….

 

h @keener 

mj you cant just-

 

Flash @lightningboltflash

Tony Stark doesn't have a kid

 

Tony Stark @STARK 

I don't want this to be a big deal but stop talking.

 

Flash @lightningboltflash

TONY STARK?????????????

 

mj @lesbianmessiah 

dear lord

 

-

 

Avengers News @AvengersNews 

Is Harley Keener Really Tony Stark's Son? [ here ]

 

kay @burnbabyburn 

this article is so fucking funny 

 

riley @rilezzzz

THEY SAID "WHO ELSE HAS THE STARK SASS?" ASDJJDSAGGDGSHJRTTT

 

kay @burnbabyburn 

I KNOW IT'S SO FUCKUVF FUNNY 

 

-

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

aHAAHAAAA!!!!!! NO WAY!!!!!

 

-

 

Stephen Strange @DrStrange

This should be interesting.

 

-

 

NF @FURY 

Shit's going down.

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK 

Wait is something happening?

 

-

 

NF @FURY 

Yes, this should be very interesting.

 

-

 

carol @danvers

hello.

Chapter Text

[ spidey h ]

 

spidey : ok so,,,,,,

spidey : ig this whole fake relationship thing is not all that …… fake anymore huh

 

h : i mean if im being honest? i kinda just said that so i could hold ur hand

 

spidey : why didnt u just ask me out??? i wouldve said yes

 

h : IDK i was nervous 

 

spidey : YOU WERE NERVOUS??? OF ME??

 

h : YEAH I MEAN UR SO SMART AND PRETTY AND JUST SO GOOD I

 

spidey : omg stop imma cry

 

h : i cant believe you made the first move eye,,, nobody is going to believe that 

 

spidey : STOGPPP I WAS SHAKING SO BAD

 

h : omg . peter omg

 

spidey : what 

 

h : im your boyfriend 

 

spidey : my whole stomach just swooped holy shit

spidey : you're my boyfriend. im your boyfriend.

 

h : im laughing so much im so happy

h : where are you 

 

spidey : mays 

 

h : can i come over

 

spidey : she said u could omg

spidey : i cant wait

 

h : my cheeks hurt from smiling this is so stupid

 

spidey : bf!!!

 

-

 

Tony Stark @STARK 

Does anyone want to tell me what's happening?

 

NF @FURY 

Carol is here.

 

Tony Stark @STARK 

See, the thing is, I don't know who that is.

 

carol @danvers

you didnt tell them about me, @FURY ?

 

NF @FURY 

A lot has been happening, okay?

 

carol @danvers

wheres goose

 

Tony Stark @STARK 

Whomst

 

carol @danvers 

nick u better send me a goose pic right now

 

NF @FURY 

You're not the boss of me.

 

carol @danvers 

bitch???

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers 

did you just call Nick Fury…. a bitch?

 

carol @danvers 

what the fuck STEVE ROGERS? HOW ARE YOU ALIVE

 

NF @FURY 

Like I said, a lot has been happening.

 

carol @danvers 

if you told me zombies were happening i would've visited earlier

 

NF @FURY 

This is why Goose likes me more.

 

carol @danvers 

might i remind you what happened?

 

NF @FURY 

You know, I'm starting to remember how much I hated you.

 

carol @danvers 

HAHA!!!! you love me. don't even lie.

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

CAROL

 

carol @danvers 

BRUNNHILDE!!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU @ I MISSED U

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

I MISSED YOU TOO WHERE HAVE U BEEN

 

carol @danvers 

just in the galaxy u know u know 

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

i have a girlfriend now!!!!!!!!

 

carol @danvers 

REALLY I LOVE THAT FOR U

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

dude ur gonna lose ur mind shes so fucking cool

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW 

Aw 

 

Tony Stark @STARK 

WHO IS CAROL 

 

NF @FURY 

She's the first. I named the Avengers after her.

 

Tony Stark @STARK 

H u h

 

NF @FURY 

Yeah.

 

-

 

ophelia @heavenly

wait so fury wasnt joking when he said the first avenger was a lesbian 

 

delilah @heythere 

i don't think fury knows how to joke

 

-

 

ELAINA @starkslut 

so is goose an actual goose or-

 

-

 

carol @danvers 

you guys would fucking love the guardians.

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

i like groot

 

carol @danvers 

he passed away sadly. he has a son and rocket takes care of him.

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

groot died what the fuck?? and who let rocket take care of a child??? 

 

carol @danvers 

groot did

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

i don't trust that rabbit with baby groot but ok.

 

carol @danvers 

you know how groot was around rocket though

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

:(( i do

 

spidey @spiderman 

does anyone wanna explain who the guardians are or am i just supposed to accept there's a dude named groot who has a son named baby groot with another dude named rocket who is a rabbit.

 

carol @danvers 

wow you have a lot of followers 

 

spidey @spiderman 

thank you ms. danvers but im still confused 

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

the guardians are a group of criminals that protect the galaxy

 

spidey @spiderman 

wow i love that

 

THOR @THUNDER 

brunnhilde, you say that as if you're not a criminal too.

 

snake @loki

who isnt a criminal nowadays.

 

carol @danvers 

the grandmaster misses you loki

 

snake @loki 

really?

 

spidey @spiderman 

okay it seems pretty unrealistic you all know each other and yet have never spoke about one another before

 

THOR @THUNDER 

i don't know the guardians or carol but ive heard of them. im just confused as to how she has been to all of these places?

 

carol @danvers 

i had time and nothing better to do. the grandmaster throws great parties, and rocket comes over sometimes just to steal some shit since nobody cares on sakaar. that's how i met the guardians.

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie

i tried to flirt with gamora but she is made of steel 

 

carol @danvers 

i think shes with quill now

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

seriously? i mean good for him, but seriously?

 

carol @danvers 

they're pretty happy together though. it's a… strange little group. i love all 7 of them.

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

dude have you met the avengers yet

 

carol @danvers 

not exactly 

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

u on earth?

 

carol @danvers 

yea im omw

 

-

 

riley @punsolved

i cant believe we live in a world where one alien tweets to another "u on earth?" and the other responds with "yea im omw" genuinely what the fuck

 

-

 

joanie @roselands

very glad to know the galaxy is being protected by 7 people in total and they're all criminals

 

-

 

[ spidey Tony Stark , h , Pepper Potts , Rhodey ]

 

spidey changed the group name to iron fam 

 

Tony Stark : Fucfgk you

 

spidey : WHAT DID I DO

 

Pepper Potts : Don't mind him, he's being a sap. What's up?

 

spidey : uhhhhhh

spidey : harley i think u gotta be the one

 

h : really peter?

 

Rhodey : Let me guess: you're dating.

 

Tony Stark : RHODYE

 

spidey : hes right

 

Tony Stark : WEHR REALLY

 

spidey : yeah

 

h : GRHODEY I LOVE YOU

 

Tony Stark : !

 

Pepper Potts : Use your words Tony

 

Tony Stark : I mean I'm surprised but not really

 

spidey : op 

 

h : you'll be surprised to know peter made the first move.

 

Tony Stark : You're lying!

 

h : nope he straight up kissed me

 

spidey : oh my godh HARLYE

 

Tony Stark : Ew TMI. TMI.

Chapter Text

Tony Stark @STARK 

Goodmorning, thotties.

 

spidey @spiderman 

did i read that right

 

Tony Stark @STARK 

yes. and?

 

spidey @spiderman 

delete this immediately or my lawyer will be in contact 

 

Tony Stark @STARK 

let's do it baby i know the law

 

h @keener 

SHUT UPPP WHO TAUFHT U THAT

 

Tony Stark @STARK 

Believe it or not, I pick up on what you kids say.

 

ELAINA @starkslut 

old man tingz 

 

Tony Stark @STARK 

You know what, Elaina? Your @ is starkslut. Who's the real loser here.

 

ELAINA @starkslut 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FHSJDJAJFSI

 

-

 

ned @gitc 

peter just got arrested 

 

mj @lesbianmessiah 

PETER JUST GOT WHAT NOW

 

ned @gitc 

arrested 

 

h @keener 

U WANNA TELL US HOWWW?????

 

ned @gitc 

being stupid

 

yeet @shuri 

ned are you joking bc this is so (not) funny

 

ned @gitc 

it's not a joke .

 

-

 

best intern @peterparker 

ok so when spider-whatever jumps roof to roof hes a "hero" and "brave" but when I do it im "trespassing on private property" and a "noise disturbance"

 

Tony Stark @STARK 

I hate you.

 

-

 

spidey stan @whtvr.a.spidey.stan

ONE OF STARKS SCIENCE KIDS GOT ARRESTED

 

jake @bibibi9 

HE SAID "I HATE YOU" BUT WE ALL KNOW TONY IS PROUD 

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers 

im disappointed in you peter 

 

best intern @peterparker 

what the fuck is "im disappointed in you peter" bitch ill kill you

 

ned @gitc 

how did you defeat captain america

 

best intern @peterparker 

we shot him in zee legs because his shield is zee size of a dinner plate and he iz an idiot

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers 

>:O

 

-

 

dp @deadpool 

i don't know how this is my fault but this is my fault.

 

-

 

carol @danvers 

me w the fam :) [picture of carol, maria and monica]

 

monica @jacketstyle 

we cute or whatever,,,

 

NF @FURY 

Where's my invitation? Am I not family?

 

carol @danvers 

of course you're family. i love u stinky old man.

 

NF @FURY 

Your hair looks like spaghetti 

 

carol @danvers 

at least i have hair

 

NF @FURY 

aT lEaSt i HaVe hAiR. Come up with something better.

 

carol @danvers

you suck and you're my best friend 

 

NF @FURY 

I'm indifferent.

 

carol @danvers 

aw 

 

-

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

i was sitting here for a couple hours and now that im thinking about it maybe i should try to be sober?

 

THOR @THUNDER 

yes!!!!!!!

 

snake @loki 

i could help 

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

how?

 

snake @loki

removing every alcohol substance away about…

 let's say 3500 ft?

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

can you also just knock me out for a couple hours 

 

snake @loki 

Yea

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

okay thanks loki 

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner 

I could also help for whatever you need.

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner 

I've been told I'm "not the type of guy you'd want to go out to a bar with" for various reasons 

 

brunnhilde @valkyrie 

a…. i don't think that's a …… compliment

 

-

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO 

Me? Calling out transphobic businessmen to their faces and getting them fired? More likely than you think.

 

jane h @letsgolesbians

we had to stan

 

-

 

FCA @samwilson 

barnes looks like some rye bread that some aluminum foil and a possum got on 

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers 

was there??? a prompt.?? to this???

 

FCA @samwilson 

no

 

Bucky @jbbarnes 

you look like if hepatitis was a person

 

FCA @samwilson 

when i first met you i thought your hair was wet but it was just the grease because you never washed your hair greasy ass

 

Bucky @jbbarnes 

bitch when you first met me i was being held captive 

 

FCA @samwilson 

could have still washed ur hair though 

 

Bucky @jbbarnes 

i literaly couldn't but ok. you look like an aardvark 

 

FCA @samwilson 

fuck you 

Chapter Text

FCA @samwilson 

just called bucky stupid♡

 

Bucky @jbbarnes 

i hate you so much it's unreal♡

 

FCA @samwilson 

so the feelings mutual♡

 

delilah @heythere 

i cant tell if you're joking or if y'all rlly mad at each other 

 

Bucky @jbbarnes 

i hope sam chokes on his protien shake♡

 

FCA @samwilson 

oh sorry you were injected with dumb bitch juice and became weirdly muscular and disproportionate with a fat head♡

 

Bucky @jbbarnes 

if you think im reading that tweet you're delusional

 

FCA @samwilson 

oh right i forgot you don't know how to read

 

Bucky @jbbarnes 

bird brain 

 

FCA @samwilson 

can you come up with something else?

 

Bucky @jbbarnes 

you just called me stupid like 4 times dumbass 

 

FCA @samwilson

you're dumbass

 

Bucky @jbbarnes 

why you mad? cuz my pussy pops severely and yours don't? 

 

dirk @agentgently

OH MY GOD 

 

FCA @samwilson

this is ur fault @shuri 

 

yeet @shuri

bucky im so proud of you 

 

Bucky @jbbarnes

thanks kid :)

 

-

 

riley @webheadd5 

DID ANYONE SEE PETER PARKERS LIVESTREAM ON INSTA IM GENUINELY PISSIJG MY FIGKUBG PANTS

 

danielle @pocket_sunshine 

WHAYS NO??? I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE HAD AN INSTA 

 

riley @webheadd5 

YEA IT'S THE SAME @ ON TWT BUT OHH MY GOF

 

tae @blkpnk

WHAT HAPPENED ON IT

 

riley @webheadd5 

wait i took a screen recording but basically its sam wilson and bucky barnes calling each other stupid but they're sitting on opposite sides of the room and peters laughing his ass off in the background and then it escalates to "THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST BRO" levels 

 

riley @webheadd5 

HERES RHE VIDEO IT'S SO FUNNY [vid]

 

danielle @pocket_sunshine

yknow when u said 'calling each other stupid' i didn't think u meant literally just yelling "YOU'RE STUPID" "NO YOU'RE STUPID" 

 

tae @blkpnk 

THAT VIDEO IS SO FUCKING CHAOTIC OH MY FGOD

 

riley @webheadd5

WHEN BUCKY STOOD UP FROM HIS CHAIR AND IT SQUEAKED SO LOUD AND SAM GOES "LOOK, NOW YOURE MAKING A MESS" 

 

tae @blkpnk

"MESS!? I JUST MOVED MY GODDAMN CHAIR SAM" 

 

danielle @pocket_sunshine

AND THEN PETERS LITTLE "oh he on blasphemy mode now we in for it fellas" I CANT BREATGRE

 

riley @webheadd5

"MOVE YOUR CHAIR AGAIN. I DARE YOU! YOU WONT DO IT. BET." [bucky then tips his chair over] "I WILL BEAT YOUR FUCK, BUCK."

 

tae @blkpnk 

IM SCREAMING OVER I WILL BEAY YOUR FUCK

 

riley @webheadd5 

OMG IF YOU LOOK AND LISTEN CLOSELY YOU CAN SEE TONY IN THE VERY FAR BACK SND AFTER SAM SAYS I WILL BEAT YOUR FUCK YOU CAN HEAR TONY SAY "not in front of the kid!" THERE ARE TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE RN

 

-

 

Steve Rogers @steverogers 

😐

 

-



h @keener 

hello. so imma about to make a tweet in a couple mins and yall aren't prepared for it

 

ELAINA @starkslut 

this could be so many things stop ur stressing me out,,,,,,

 

diego @aquaknife 

im trying to prepare bc i feel like im going to get emotional 

 

-

 

h @keener

tony stark and pepper potts are now my legal guardians! i called my mom & sister and they said i could tweet about it so yea! 

 

diego @aquaknife 

I DON'T ONOW WHAT I WAS EXPECTING BUT IT WASNT THIS IT REALLY WASNT OH GOD

 

delilah @heythere 

WHY AM I CRYING IN THE CLUB RN

 

-

 

Avengers News @AvengersNews 

Tony Stark has a son, and his name is Harley Keener(‐Stark) [link]

 

dirk @agentgently 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

 

Amanda @punkbaby 

I SECOND THAT SO HARD

 

-

 

Pepper Potts @STARKCEO 

IronFam [photo of tony, pepper, rhodey, harley, peter, bruce, and natasha]

 

Natasha @BLACKWIDOW 

*WidowFam

 

Bruce Banner @BruceBanner 

*BannerFam

 

h @keener 

i love yall i really do but Stop It .

 

-

 

ophelia @heavenly 

THE FACT THAT PETER WAS IN THE IRONFAM PIC IS HITTING DIFFERENT RN

 

jane h @letsgolesbians 

does anyone actually know why peter was there? like i get that hes one of tonys science kids but what makes him different than, like, shuri or spidey

 

riley @webheadd5 

i think that him and tony are super close peter barely tweets and every other tweet is about tony so idk they might be huge parts of each others lives and we just don't know it

 

ophelia @heavenly 

there is all those loose paparazzi pics of them together just hanging out

 

jane h @letsgolesbians 

spare pics ma'am?

 

ophelia @heavenly 

the only ones i got on my phone rn are the ones from a while ago when they got icecream [pic of tony and peter eating icecream together, just sitting and chilling]

 

best intern @peterparker

where did you get that ?? why do u just have it on ur phone ??

 

ophelia @heavenly 

OH YM GOD HI PETER ……

 

ophelia @heavenly 

i got it from my twt tl and i have it because it's a cute pic of tony ok

 

best intern @peterparker 

well thank u if bc it's now my phone wallpaper

 

-

 

joanie @roseland 

does peter just word search tony stark into twitter how does he find all these tweets

 

best intern @peterparker 

i have a fake fan acc and send them to this acc where i reply to them 

 

-

 

ELAINA @starkslut 

WHGAT IF PETER FUCKIGN PARKER FOLLOWS ME WHAY IF HE THOUGHT ONE OF MY TWEETS WERE FUNNY AND SHOWED TONY 

 

ELAINA @starkslut 

OK THAT'S A LITTLE UNREALISTIC BUT IM GOING THROUGH A LOT RN THINGJING AB SOMEONE IN THE IRONFAM FOLLOWING MY DUMB ASS ACCOUNT 

 

-

 

h @keener

@LilNasX um im officially famous now and im actually from tennessee so,,,,, lemme on ur track

 

Todd @MexicanFuneral 

can u even sing???

 

h @keener

since when did that stop anyone from pursuing a music career come ON todd.

 

-

 

zeena @bowlsofwaaaa

nobody:

 

nobody at all:

 

not a single soul:

 

harley keener-stark: im from Tennessee 

 

-

 

Trending • 

 

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