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Trust the Process

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1. Denial

No, I didn’t sleep with him,” Jyn muttered at Bodhi’s eyebrow waggle as she trudged through their apartment in last night’s dress. 

“Suuuure.” He poured her coffee, extra dark roast with no milk or sugar. 

“I didn’t,” she said. “I literally just passed out on his couch, like always.” 

Bodhi shrugged. “Whatever you say.”

“Shut up.” She could see his shoulders shaking with suppressed giggles, and she purposely brushed him too hard on her way out of the kitchen. 

Of course, he didn’t bother to hide it once she was in her bedroom, and she immediately jumped into the hottest shower she could stand to drown out peals of smug laughter. 

Not for the first time, she wondered if she should’ve taken Cassian’s offer to stay and shower with him. She’d been sorely tempted, especially after last night (and some of the best orgasms she’d had in way too long). And the thought of round two in a steamy shower…

She shook her head and squeezed an excessive amount of shampoo into her hand. That would’ve been a bad idea. It was too… intimate. They were just having a bit of fun.

 

2. Anger

“Jyn Erso.”

What?” Jyn snapped and whirled around, wondering why on earth Kay was distracting her while she was playing darts. She was holding fucking projectiles in her hands. 

He sniffed, undeterred. “No need to be snippy.” 

Jyn grunted and threw a dart. 12 points. She had to brush up before playing Shara next week. “What do you want?”

“I’d like to ask you a few questions.”

“Shoot.” She threw another. 14 points. 

“About your relationship with Cassian.”

Jyn narrowed her eyes. “It’s none of your business. And it’s not a relationship.”

“Miriam-Webster defines a relationship as an emotional and sexual association between two people. Unless you two have been engaging in some other activity that causes rhythmic thumping against my and Cassian’s shared wall.” 

She growled and lobbed the dart at the board. 8 points. “Kay, ask your fucking question or leave me alone.”

“I would like to be sure of your intentions.”

Jyn nearly dropped her last dart. “My intentions?”

Kay folded his arms primly. “As his roommate and best friend, I feel it is my responsibility to make sure that you have Cassian’s best interests in mind concerning this affair.”

“It’s not an affair if we’re both single.”

“Well you just said it’s not a relationship.”

Jyn put her foot down. “It’s not anything. We’re just having fun.”

“Does Cassian see it that way?”

“What? Of course he does.” Jyn threw her last dart for 6 points and resisted the urge to scream. “Now get out of my way, I need another drink.”

 

3. Bargaining

“Hey.” Cassian brushed her arm with his hand, thrown casually over her shoulder as they lounged on her and Bodhi’s sofa. “Something on your mind?”

“Nope.” Jyn fiddled with the remote and wished again that her parents had sprung for the no-ads Hulu package. “Just wondering if Dina and Garrett are ever getting back together.”

“Come on.” He held her closer. “You can tell me.” He was so close she could smell the conditioner in his hair, and dammit he knew that was her kryptonite. 

“It’s really nothing,” she said. “Kay was just being annoying last night.”

Cassian frowned and leaned back. “What did he say?”

Jyn shrugged. “I don’t know how to put it.” She chewed her lip and turned to face him. “Cassian, are we together?”

He stilled, then shifted farther away from her on the couch, pulling his arm from her shoulders.

They sat facing each other, and Jyn felt her heart pounding in her throat, realizing she’d accidentally stepped on a landmine. She desperately searched his face, looking for any indication of what he was thinking, but he’d done that thing where he wiped his face completely blank, and she got nothing. 

He licked his lips. “You mean… together as in last weekend?”

“No– I mean, not just like that.” Feeling trapped, Jyn took a deep breath and pressed on. “Like, together-together. Like, in a relationship.”

He actually jumped at the last word and Jyn hurried to backtrack. 

“I mean, of course not. That’s not what either of us wanted, right? Like, that’s why we deleted our dating apps, so we wouldn’t have to deal with that shit anymore. Focus on work, saving some money, stuff like that. Who has time for a relationship anyway?” She realized she was rambling and cut herself off, panting. 

Cassian hadn’t moved, but shifted from looking at her face to staring out past her right shoulder. He was silent for so long she felt like she had to prompt him. 

“Right? That’s not… that’s not what this is.” Without meaning to, her voice got really quiet at the end. This was so much harder than she thought it would be. 

Slowly, he nodded. “Right. That’s not what this is.”

She nodded back. “Good. I’m glad we’re on the same page.” She tried to smile, but quickly gave up and turned back to the TV. “Oh look, the show’s back on.”

Cassian blinked, like he’d forgotten too. “Oh, yeah.” 

They watched for a few more minutes, still sitting awkwardly far away from each other, until Cassian stood suddenly and picked up his coat. “I should really get going.”

Jyn looked up in surprise. “Really? But, Bodhi’s with Luke tonight and we could, uh, you know.”

It sounded more ridiculous as she said it our loud, the mood in the room having shifted completely in the last fifteen minutes. She tried to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach as he walked to the door and slipped on his shoes. 

“Sorry, I have to get up early tomorrow. I have a… thing.” 

“What thing?” He hadn’t mentioned a thing when he came over.

“A dentist appointment.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah, sorry about that.” He put his hand on the doorknob. “I’ll see you… sometime.”

“I’ll text you.” She was aware she sounded whiny and desperate, but she couldn’t help it.  

“Okay.” 

A frantic, emotional part of her wanted to run to the door and do anything to keep him from leaving, but she felt pinned to the couch as the door closed behind him. 

Then he was gone and Jyn swallowed, tears suddenly and inexplicably building behind her eyes.

 

4. Depression

“Jyn Erso” 

Jyn didn’t even bother to raise her head from the table as Kay slid into the booth across from her. “What do you want?

“Checking to see that you were conscious. Han would like to close up.”

“Fuck.” She dragged her shoulders up and squinted at her phone, the screen wavering as she fumbled to get herself a Lyft. She waved a hand at Kay. “’M fine. You can go now.”

He glanced pointedly at the table, decorated with three beer glasses and two whiskey tumblers, all empty. “Perhaps I should go with you.”

“I said I’m fine.” She slumped back down. “Besides, you don’t want to go all the way out to my apartment.”

“No, but you didn’t enter your address just now.”

“I didn’t?” She looked back at her screen. “Fuck.” She fumbled to cancel it and pressed her face into her hands. 

“I believe the youth would call that a Freudian slip.” 

“No one would call it that,” she muttered, calling a different car and making sure to type in the correct address (not Cassian’s).

“Would anyone call it a cry for help?”

“Ha, ha.” Jyn felt her phone vibrate and jumped, automatically checking to see if it was a text from Cassian. Which it wasn’t, of course. He hadn’t texted her in over a week. 

No texts, no calls, no nothing

She felt her eyes getting hot. “I miss him.” Was she crying? God, she must be wasted. 

“Perhaps you should call him,” Kay said, looking incredibly awkward.

“I have!” She was definitely crying now, outright sobbing and getting tears and snot in her scarf. “He doesn’t pick up, and then he doesn’t call back!”

“Oh, dear.” Kay reached for her phone, which was vibrating again. 

She sniffled. “What is it?”

“Your ride is waiting outside.”

She started bawling again. “I messed up, Kay. I messed it all up and I can’t make it better.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.” He stood up and wrapped a stiff hand around her bicep, tugging her out of the booth. 

“It is.” She groaned and stumbled upright, leaning against his shoulder as he led her out of the bar. 

The Lyft driver narrowed his eyes as Kay deposited her in the back of the car. “You two going to the same place?”

Kay held up a hand. “Yes, but I assure you my intentions are innocent. I’m just going to see my friend to her door. You can take me home directly after.” 

The driver grunted and pulled away from the curb. 

Jyn wrapped Kay in an awkward hug as he leaned over to buckle her in. “You said you’re my friend.”

He gently pushed her hands away. “I did.”

“I’m glad we’re friends.” She sniffled and felt the tears coming back. “Cassian and I aren’t friends. I’m pretty sure he hates me now.”

Kay huffed. “Cassian doesn’t hate you.” 

“He does so.” Jyn crossed her arms. “He never wants to see me ever again.”

“You have no evidence to support that.”

She shoved her phone in his face. “He doesn’t. Call me. Back.”

He pushed her phone away. “He had a root canal on Tuesday.”

“He what?” Jyn was couldn’t decide whether she was more surprised Cassian hadn’t been lying about the dentist appointment or more outraged he hadn’t told her it was for minor surgery. 

“He was also rather upset by your conversation the last time he saw you.”

She felt herself deflate. “I know.”

“You do?”

“Don’t sound so surprised.”

“Well if you know, then why don’t you fix it?”

“I just… don’t know how.” Just the thought of going to Cassian and telling him the truth, how she really felt, was still so terrifying she could barely imagine it. 

“That’s absurd.” 

“What?”

“You know where he lives and what hours he works, just come over unannounced as you normally do and say, ‘Cassian, I apologize for my words before, I was being a coward.’”

“Hey–”

“‘I would like to clarify for you that although stunted emotionally, I care about you as more than a friend and would like for us to be in a relationship.’”

Jyn slumped down in her seat. “I’m not going to say that.”

Kay shrugged. “Then I’m sure you’ll think of something else. You understand my point.” The car pulled up outside her apartment. “We’re here. Do you require assistance to your door?”

“No, I do not.” She got out of the car and held out her arms, displaying her ability to balance on two feet.

“Excellent.” Kay sat back and pulled out his phone to order his ride home. “I’m sure I will be seeing you soon, Jyn Erso.”

 

5. Acceptance

“…so what I’m saying is, I think we should go on a date,” Jyn finished, trying to will the blood away from her cheeks as Cassian stared at her from across his kitchen table.

He didn’t answer for a long time, and Jyn started getting nervous. “I mean, if you want. We can also just–”

“Where do you want to go?”

She blinked, unprepared for the question. “Uh… I don’t know. Wherever you want to go, I guess.”

He fiddled with his watch. “I’d like to cook for you, if that’s okay.”

If that’s okay? “That’s– that sounds great.” Jyn felt herself trying not to smile, or run around the table and kiss him. Trust Cassian to be that romantic on the first date. (If this could be called their first date.)

“Good.” He smiled then, hesitantly, under his eyelashes, and Jyn broke down. 

She came around the table and kissed him long and slow, holding his face between her hands. 

When they broke apart, he stood up and held her tight, like he missed her as much as she missed him. 

“Cassian?” she said, her voice muffled in his chest.

“What is it?” He didn’t let go, but his hands crept up to tilt her head back. 

“Can we be in a relationship now?” She barely finished speaking before he ducked down to kiss her again. 

She took it as a yes