Actions

Work Header

Grapes and Cheese

Work Text:

The waves of the sea were sensual that fated morning, as the rat trotted out for his morning swim. Spotting the hand floating in the ocean, he began sprinting, slicing through the waves at an immeasurable speed. Edna Pontellier would have drowned if it wasn’t for that little rat.
Edna awoke suddenly to the scent of seawater in her bathhouse, groggily attempting to sit up.
“Wha- where am I? Am I dead?” she muttered confusedly, rubbing her eyes. A little round head popped up over a stack of towels
“Not quite dead, but almost” the rat squeaked in Patton Oswalt’s voice, scampering to the top of the towels. Edna screamed, scrambling backwards, slamming her back against the wall. The rat startled, darting behind the towels for safety. Winded, Edna quickly calmed her breathing and crept slowly over to peer around the towels. The rat was small and gray, quite cleaner than a rat typically is. Edna could almost describe the rat as cute, except that it had to open its mouth and ruin the illusion.
“What’re you looking at?” the rat said condescendingly, visibly shaking. Edna laughed.
“Okay, I know I’m dead now! Although, I didn’t think heaven would be full of talking rats.”
The rat appeared to be offended.
“I mean, come on, humanity has it all wrong. There’s no God, only talking rats!”
“Excuse me!” the rat interjected “That’s no way to treat the rat that just saved your life! A little thanks would be nice. Do you even know how hard it was to drag your human sized body onto the shore and into the bathhouse with these hands!” He brandished his paws frantically, clearly very upset by Edna’s assumptions.
Edna was taken aback.
“Oh, um, I’m sorry, I suppose I did not think of it that way” she stammered, wringing her hands in her skirts.
The rat sniffed. “Well, anyways, my name is Remmy, if you even care, and you’ve interrupted my morning swim so if you don’t mind!” The rat, Remmy, he said his name was, trailed off, turning to leave the bathhouse.
“Wait!” she screeched with the might of Zeus. Remmy jumped from where he was hurrying towards the door, losing all of his fur in the process.
“I- I didn’t mean- Oh, please, help me, my life is a garbage bag full of garbage children and loose skin!”
“What the fuck” said Remmy, ever so eloquently.
“Oh, please, Mr. Rat! I beg of you!” Edna was sobbing on the floor now, full meltdown mode.
“Oh- Jesus- fine!” Remmy exclaimed, jumping from where he was trying desperately to leave the bathhouse because like what the fuck was this fully grown woman doing.
“How about we just leave tomorrow for Paris so you can become a fuckin’ chef or some shit.”
Edna gsasped. “A chef! Why, I had never thought of such a thing. I suppose it would be a nice change to cook food for myself instead of relying on some pussyfooted cook to make salmon badly.”
The rat was desperately trying to sneak away while Edna lamented on her extremely privileged high class life and how she hates that she lives in a big house with lots of nice things. Sensing a break in the jabbering, Remmy darted for the door, but had hardly made any progress when Edna grabbed his robust, meaty hand.
“Shall I meet you here tomorrow morning?” Edna asked with a homicidal gleam in her eye.
“Yeah, sure, whatever, fam” Remmy replied, doing a sick kickflip on a skateboard he pulled out of his fur and rolling away as fast as a rat on a skateboard can.
“Oh, I’m just so excited!”

***

Edna had spent the whole night thinking about the rat and his rippling six pack. She swooned as she packed the last few things into her bag and crept into the dew of morning towards the beach. The morning was silent, waiting with bated breath for Remmy and Edna’s arrival betwixt the nut of the ocean and the toes of the sand.
The sunrise was beautiful, the orange reminding Edna of that gross dress her lesbian lover Adele once wore and caused Edna to rip it off of her sensually (wink wonk). Shaking away that pussy from her brain, Edna’s eyes caught on the handsome silhouette of the fur covered rat emerging from the ocean like Venus. Literally, he was rising from the water like there was some sort of dumbwaiter under the sand, except, instead of a steaming plate of stew, it was a rat with a body that rivaled The Rock. Edna swooned on the spot, busting a nut discreetly as she eyed the rat’s sick nips. Then the rat spoke.
“Get on my back”
Edna blinked in confusion, fluttering her lashes faster than that of a hummingbird’s wings, temporarily lifting off the ground as the wind force generated by her lashes blew the sea shore back a few feet.
“What ever do you mean, Remmy?” She asked sensually.
“Bitch, the fuck, we don’t got any planes or none of that shit so I’m gonna swim us across the ocean” Remmy replied, putting on a zebra print speedo for some reason even though he’s a rat and doesn’t need to wear clothes.
“O-oh” Edna gsasped, salivating frantically at the thought of feeling the muscles of the rat move against her skin.
“Honey, we ain’t got all day. Get on my back, sis, or I’m gonna Naruto run across this ocean without you” Remmy sobbed flirtily.
Edna mounted Remmy’s back with the confidence of getting on a horse, except this horse was the size of her foot so she kinda just rested one of her buttcheeks gently on his furry back. Instantaneously, Remmy kicked off the shore, slicing through the waves like a rat on wheels except he’s in the water and you can’t drive on the water unless you’re a Jesus car but idk about that fam how you would squeeze a car out of ur virginia. Edna whooped in surprise, squeezing the rat tighter as they raced through the ocean. The rat never seemed to tire, swimming deftly and cutting through the water like it was goat cheese. This mans was swimming so fast Michael Phelps woke up in a cold sweat 100 years in the future. Edna screamed as Remmy reached his max speed, breaking the space-time continuum and leaping into the subsequent portal.
“Woah” Edna whispered, her hair floating about her as Remmy sized up the galactic pathway seen before them. Then they were off, Edna’s skin slowly peeling from her face as the force of Remmy’s sexy legs pumping through the cosmos shucked her like an ear of corn. Suddenly, she caught sight of a figure through the flapping of her stretched skin.
“Robert?!” She cried, choking on her tongue as it was whipped back in the wind. But the figure was gone from her sight as soon as she had spotted it, and her swinging skin became mixed with tears. Before she knew it, the rat had jumped through another portal, splashing into the warmer waters of the ocean that’s outside of France whatever that one is I don’t wanna look it up. The halted at the shore, shaking the water from their clothes, Remmy cleaning the seven foot long sword that he now had for some reason idk there were probably monsters in the portal or whatever. Edna was entranced.
“Remmy,” she said breathlessly “How did you learn how to do that?”
“I killed God.”

***

Edna hastily glued her skin back to her face, seeing the sights around her. Her eyes filled with confusion at the foreign seashore.
“Remmy, where are we?” She asked.
“Are you literally fucking kidding me right now” Remmy replied. “It’s been like five minutes since I told you we were going to France get ur shit together bitch.”
Edna screeched with delight, unveiling her velociraptor teeth as she kicked her head back. She ran towards the nearby town.
“Well then, what are we waiting for?” She called back. “Let’s get this done!”
Remmy shook the salt water from his fur before reluctantly following her, shaking his head and wondering why he bothered to put up with her. He quickly caught up with Edna, nudging her in the right direction.
“Look dude, we said restaurant and I meant restaurant. That ugly ass building up ahead is your new workplace. I pulled a few string to get you in on such short notice but I’ve got contacts. I’m close with Billy, he’s a rat from the south. Good guy, but don’t ask him for money. He gets real touchy on his debts. Last I heard of Ol’ Johnny (he borrowed couple nugs of cheese for a hit of that good shit, never did pay back though) he was taking a ‘hike’ up a particularly poisoned rat trap. Oh, man, he got what was coming for him. Borrowed a couple silver coins from me so he could keep his family in good shape, spent it all on fermented raisins, leaving his family out to starve-”
“Oh, is that the place?” Edna stated, looking at the literal only building in her line of sight.
“Oh my fucking god” Remmy whispered.
Edna quickly ran to the building rapping on the mahogany door. A gross man with a toothbrush he was holding under his nose like a mustache warily opened the door. Upon seeing Remmy, though, he relaxed.
“Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” he said, throwing the door open for them. “You must be the new guy and her rat buddy!” He quickly dashed around the door, pulling them into the homey shop.
“You’ll be doing some cooking and cleaning, but, mind you, hide the rat. I don’t mind service animals but, hey, the customer’s don’t like shit in their food.”
Edna ogled at the restaurant while Remmy quietly crawled up her sleeve, ducking under the chef’s hat that materialized onto her head. He grabbed ahold of her hair and her eyes glassed over as Remmy fully took control of her brain, leading her silently into the kitchen. She became the best damn cook in the restaurant that day.

***

It had been months since they had escaped to France, and Edna had become the most popular chef in the nation, at least when Remmy was crawling through her brain. She was a millionaire, and today was no different because money doesn’t suddenly disappear for no reason. She ducked into her mansion and tossed her chef’s hat off, Remmy scampering down her arm. She eyed his rippling six pack glossy from the grease of her hair. She couldn’t deny it anymore. There was just something that drew her to that rat.
“Remmy” she breathed.
“Shh” he replied “I have to show you something.”
Remmy appeared bashful, taking a few deep breaths before beginning to shuck off his skin faster than any man should be able to skin himself. Edna found herself fascinated though, watching the layers of muscle and fur peel off to reveal………………………… ROBERT?!
Remmy- no, Robert- blushed, looking at Edna’s flustered but also very thirsty face.
“I thought that this was the only way I could get you” he whispered “I thought that if I became a rat, I could at least be beside you.”
Then they fucked and Robert shit on the floor because he was still in rat mode.