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In Which Peter Is Everyone’s Favourite Avenger

Chapter Text

spidey

@SMOfficial

it is wednesday mdudes

Joined: Just Now

12 Following 5 Followers


 

spidey  @SMOfficial 

hhhhh thor big strong,,,

32.4k likes 7.9k retweets



ms maximoff pls @steponmyneck

In reply to @SMOfficial

mood 


jen @r0tten

In reply to @SMOfficial

wait... s p i d e r m a n has a twitter now?!



Tony S. @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

kid what the fuck



Cap @steverogers

In reply to @SMOfficial and @iamironman

his first post on here and it’s this jfc



spidey @SMOfficial

it has come to my attention that @iamironman is a Spoil Sport who won’t let me have fun :/

12.3k likes 8.9k retweets



tye @rosemaryntyler

In reply to @SMOfficial

oof what happened



spidey @SMOfficial

In reply to @rosemaryntyler

i spoke the Truth and he couldn’t handle it.



mj @michellejones

In reply to @SMOfficial and @rosemaryntyler

he was thirsting after thor. again.



spidey @SMOfficial

In reply to @michellejones

[maybeso.gif]



strongest avenger @thorodinson 

In reply to @SMOfficial 

i like you also, son of Stark :)



spidey @SMOfficial

In reply to @thorodinson

skshdjdjsjjsjdjfjrjdOSSJSJSHSKSK



mj @michellejones

In reply to @thorodinson and @SMOfficial

@thorodinson i think you broke him

 


 

there’s a b?!?!?! @michaelbclancy

is no one gonna acknowledge thor called spider-man “son of Stark”???

7.6k likes 6.7k retweets



sasha @oaktreewinds

In reply to @michaelbclancy

i mean— i thought it was just common knowledge at this point



tony stark marry me challenge @mikayeeeela

In reply to @michaelbclancy and @oaktreewinds

same lol


 

nat @blackwidow

I swear to god I’m so fuckin done with living in this goddam compound

15.4k likes 8.6k likes



katie @crimsonwizard

In reply to @blackwidow

what happened????

nat @blackwidow

In reply to @crimsonwizard

I went down to the kitchen bc I wanted some coffee but for some reason @SMOfficial likes to do his homework on the fuckin CEILING

nat @blackwidow 

In reply to @crimsonwizard

I didn’t even notice until I looked up after making the cup and he was just... There. Long story short, I spilled coffee everywhere and my hands and chest are burned.



spidey @SMOfficial 

In reply to @blackwidow

i said i was sorry!!! :-(

nat @blackwidow

In reply to @SMOfficial

I know.

ms maximoff pls @steponmyneck

In reply to @blackwidow and @SMOfficial

wait, homework?? is spider-man a student?!??!

spidey @SMOfficial 

In reply to @steponmyneck

fuck.



Tony S. @iamironman

Yes, Spider-Man is a student. No, we will not be disclosing his specific age or what level of education he is currently in. We all would appreciate if Spider-Man was given at least some form privacy as it is, quite frankly, none of your business.
82.3k likes 65.2k retweets


jen @r0tten 

In reply to @iamironman

you know it’s serious when he uses proper capitalisation and punctuation

 

spidey @SMOfficial

In reply to @r0tten

Okay but seriously, please give me at least enough privacy to finish school. I have enough stress with the fighting crime thing I've got going on. Having to worry about people hunting down my classmates and teachers doesn't need to add any more stress.

 

spidey @SMOfficial

In reply to @r0tten

Also, that wasn't meant to come across as me targeting you or anything! You were just the first person I saw in the replies

 

jen @r0tten

In reply to @SMOfficial

I know ♥

 

Chapter Text

spidey @SMOfficial

having older friends is stressful. you talk about your young people problems n they’re just like ‘haha i remember when i experienced that during WW2’

121k likes 87.3k retweets

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @SMOfficial

@ me next time sis

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @SMOfficial and @jamesbarnes

SKSKSKSKSKSK WHO TAUGHT BUCKY INTERNET SLANG

 

Cap @steverogers

In reply to @cbarton

that display name is highly inappropriate

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @steverogers

suck it capsicle

 


 

claudia @hitormiss

I’d just like to thank Twitter for supplying me w the knowledge that the avengers are the Best thnx

3.4k likes 2.7k retweets

 

spidey @SMOfficial

In reply to @hitormiss

if you needed twitter to tell you that you obviously don’t love us enough. smh fake fan.

 

claudia @hitormiss

In reply to @SMOfficial

im lov u

 

spidey @SMOfficial

In reply to @hitormiss

im lov u too <3

 


 

whoever threw that paper @urmomsahoe

This just in: Spidey is best boy

7.2k likes 4.1k retweets

 

spidey @SMOfficial

In reply to @urmomsahoe

:3c

 


 

spidey @SMOfficial

i would die for Thor

102k likes 54.1k retweets

 

strongest avenger @thorodinson

In reply to @SMOfficial

I would never let that happen.

 

spidey @SMOfficial

In reply to @thorodinson

<3


 

spidey @SMOfficial

it’s been like a month how tf am I at 10mil followers already?!?!? the only other avenger to have more is Tony what the fuck how did this h a p p e n

124.8k likes 73.4k retweets

 

Tony S. @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

You’re probably going to end up overtaking me soon, the rate you’re going.

 

spidey @SMOfficial

In reply to @iamironman

w h y tho

 

Tony S. @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

Cuz they love you, kid. Can’t blame them, to be honest.

 

jen @r0tten

In reply to @SMOfficial and @iamironman

hhhhhh i’m Soft for two (2) boys

 

nattie @naturenat

In reply to @SMOfficial and @iamironman

Thank you Lord for giving me prime SpiderKid and IronDad content.

 

spidey @SMOfficial

In reply to @naturenat

spiderkid… hm.

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

new name, new me B)

127.4k likes 45.6k retweets

 

Tony S. @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

I literally make sure you have the highest level tech before it’s even released to the public. You have access to emojis. Why don’t you ever use them?

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @iamironman

bc it’s more fun to use emoticons!! now, do the thing!!

 

Tony S. @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

That’s not happening.

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @iamironman

… please? :(

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

Happy now?

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @iamironman

very :)

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

The things I do for you, kid. I swear to God.

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @iamironman

uwu

 


 

shuri @wakandanprincess

Before anybody asks, no, I was not the one that made @SMOfficial use ‘uwu’. He is just Like That.

78.2k likes 34.1k retweets

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @wakandanprincess

as someone who sees him daily, i can verify. (the three of us are watching love simon tonight, right?)

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @jamesbarnes

See, @iamironman? I told you. (yeah, i already checked with peter too, he’s able to make it)

 

hit me two times @borkbork

In reply to @wakandanprincess

who the fuck is peter

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @borkbork

Shit.

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @borkbork

shit.

 


 

well done gays

 

(bi)derman: shuri what the fuck

 

whAt aRE thOsEEEE: lOok I’m soRRY OK

 

whAt aRE thOsEEEE: I ONLY REALISED  A F T E R I PUBLISHED THE TWEET

 

(bi)derman: ik, it’s okay. i honestly don’t give a fuck lol. but mr.stark is another story

 

whAt aRE thOsEEEE: he mad?

 

(bi)derman: considerably so

 

whAt aRE thOsEEEE: damn it. so i’m guessing no movie night?

 

(bi)derman: probably not :/

 

murder strut rights 2k19: god fucking damn it.

Chapter Text

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

:-)

[attached: a tik tok recreation of the famous “hit or miss” tik tok, although this one is of Spider-man, who is still in suit. He recreates it to a T, until the end, in which he rips off his mask before hitting the dab.]

3.6M likes 1.8M retweets

 

canary @islandis

In reply to @SMOfficial

WHAT FHE FUCKEKDJSJSJSKKSS

 

mary @janew

In reply to @SMOfficial

WAIT IS THAT REALLY SPIDEY???? WHAT THE FUCK

 

ms romanov pls kill me @natforevs

In reply to @SMOfficial

WHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @SMOfficial

n i c e

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

Kid you better take that down I swear to god Pepper’s gonna kill you before I even get to

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @iamironman

not as nice oof, good luck pete

 


 

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

[attached: Two Images. Image one is a screenshot of Peter’s face from the tik tok, in which his features are most visible. Image two is a picture of Tiffany Pollard saying “BEYONCÉ?!”. However, beyoncé is blanked out and instead the text “SPIDER-MAN?!” is written] #SpideyFaceReveal

1.7M likes 782.1k retweets

 

whEN wIlL YoU LeaRN?!?! @coochiecatcher69

In reply to @wakandanprincess

SKSHSJSISSJSJSJJSS

 


 

adri @horsesindaback

okay but,, why is spidey (peter? we can call him that now, right?) h o t?? like wow.

8.6k likes 4.7k retweets

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @horsesindaback

back the FUCK up

 

Guy In The Chair @nedleeds

In reply to @horsesindaback

he really is, isn’t he? too bad you’ll never get ‘im :)

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

tmw you log back on after being yelled at to see the two lights of ur life being jealous lil shits

1.3M likes 637.3k retweets

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @SMOfficial

<3

 

Guy In The Chair @nedleeds

In reply to @SMOfficial

<3

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @michellejones and @nedleeds

<333

 


 

The New York Times @nytimes

Spider-Man reveals identity as teen in video, also hinting at being in a relationship with two other teens, Michelle Jones and Ned Leeds of MidTown High. Sources suggest Spider-Man may be Peter Parker, a student who has been seen with the hero’s partners. Avengers yet to comment.

[attached: Two Images, one of Peter, Ned and MJ seemingly taken while they were entering school together. The other image the screenshot Shuri had posted of the TikTok.]

897k likes 654k retweets

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @nytimes

We’re not commenting bc there’s nothing to comment on. Pepper and I had a serious talk w him about it and despite how we would have preferred for him to wait until he was older, he knew the risks that came with revealing himself to the public and made that choice at his own will

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @nytimes and @iamironman

However, what I DO have a say in is whether or not those reporters who are taking pictures of Pete with his partners will be able to have any job in the journalism branch at all after this. Stalking and taking secretive pictures of minors isn’t a good look for your career.

 

????!!!!? @iamcOnfuSiON

In reply to @iamironman

omg go off Tony!!!!!!

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

not to be like,,, Uncharacteristically Violent or anything but,,, if i ever catch any of u following me, ned n mj n takin creepy ass photos of us, i WILL web ur face n leave u to suffocate slowly xoxo

1.8M likes 793k retweets

 

country boy @hawyee

In reply to @SMOfficial

We love a Protective King

 

ms maximoff pls @steponmyneck

In reply to @SMOfficial

ugh yes pete threaten those Creeps

 

nat @blackwidow

In reply to @SMOfficial

I’m so proud :’)

 


 

wanda @scarletwitch

who the fuck taught vision to fortnite dance?!?!

783.9k likes 542.3k retweets

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @scarletwitch

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @SMOfficial

peter i swear to god—

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @scarletwitch

Pietro helped too!

 

nyoom nyoom bitch @pietromaximoff

In reply to @SMOfficial

Don’t drag me into this tf

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @pietromaximoff

:P

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @SMOfficial and @pietromaximoff

i am going to kill you both i stg

Chapter Text

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

wanda talks a lot of shit but her and vision are actually the sweetest most romantic couple ever it makes me want to throw up in my mouth

1.4M likes 986.5k retweets

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @SMOfficial

you’re spreading lies. i’m gonna sue you for defamation of character

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @scarletwitch

hm.

[ attached: a photo taken of wanda and vision in the kitchen, they seem to be dancing, the picture having caught vision in the middle of twirling wanda. the picture is slightly blurry, suggesting the person holding the phone likely ran the moment they snapped the pic]

 


SpiderKid @SMOfficial

aw :-(

[attached: a screenshot of @scarletwitch ‘s account, the message “@scarletwitch blocked you. You are blocked from following @scarletwitch and viewing @scarletwitch’s tweets.”]

1.3M likes 912.3k retweets

 

celia @ccjameson

In reply to @SMOfficial

LMAOOO is this for that pic you posted?

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @ccjameson

yeah :-( i told her they’re really cute n everyone else thinks so! and she was all “hm. ok then :) xoxo” and then she blocked me anyway!! fake friend smh

 

celia @ccjameson

In reply to @SMOfficial

it’s ok pete, you’re doing the Lord’s work by supplying us with Scarlet Vision content! what song were they dancing to in the pic?

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @ccjameson

When a Man Loves a Woman by Percy Sledge <3 they’re such saps it’s adorable

 

celia @ccjameson

In reply to @SMOfficial

oml they’re so cutteeee sksksksksjsjskks

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @ccjameson

ikr skdjsksklsksksjsskdhgsshak

 


IronDad @iamironman

@SMOfficial stop squealing over wanda and vision and go the fuck to bed it’s 3am on a school night jfc

2.9M likes 1.7M retweets

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @iamironman

but they’re so cute :-( and ur not the boss of me >:(

 

Pepper Potts @mspottsofficial

In reply to @iamironman and @SMOfficial

Go to bed, Peter.

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @mspottsofficial

Yes Ma’am.

 

Irondad @iamironman

In reply to @mspottsofficial and @SMOfficial

so you’ll listen to her but not me? betrayal.

 


Guy In The Chair @nedleeds

PETER WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING F U C K

102.2k likes 65k retweets

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @nedleeds

what did the dork do now

 

Guy In The Chair @nedleeds

In reply to @michellejones

HE TORE HIS OWN ARM OFF

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @nedleeds

peter… what in the everloving Fuck? are u okay?! @SMOfficial

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @nedleeds and @michellejones

in my defence,,, i got a paper cut n it Hurted

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @SMOfficial

that does NOT mean u should tear your arm off!!! peter what the hell?!

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @michellejones and @nedleeds

it doesn’t even hurt, i just Did It cuz my brain decided it would be the best way to go about it lol. it’ll grow back in like 5 mins ok bb pls calm down

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @michellejones and @nedleeds

and you too ned!! i’m sorry i didn’t tell you about it beforehand n you had to walk in on it. i should’ve told you both outright, i’m sorry. i love u both

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @SMOfficial and @nedleeds

i love the both of you two dorks too

 

Guy In The Chair @nedleeds

In reply to @michellejones and @SMOfficial

Same <3

 


sammy @cawcawboi

WAIT so not only does pete have the willpower to t e a r his own l i m b off— but he also regenerates?? why are we all just learning this now?

234k likes 130k retweets

 

Cap @steverogers

In reply to @cawcawboi

in our defence, we also are just learning about the true extent of the kid’s powers

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @steverogers

i knew already

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @steverogers and @jamesbarnes

of course you would barnes

Chapter Text

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

lol why bother w payin for blankets when u can just make ur own? say No to Capitalism.

[attached: an image of peter in one of the top corners of his room, his webbing seemingly the only thing keeping his from falling down. the picture seems to be taken from someone else’s perspective, as it is looking up towards him from the floor. his eyes are visible and he seems to be smiling cheekily from how they’re crinkled at the edges.]

7.6M likes 6.8M retweets

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @SMOfficial

uh picture credits hoe tf

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @wakandanprincess

shhhh ur supposed to be my Ghost Photographer

 

papaya saraya @whomstve

In reply to @SMOfficial and @wakandanprincess

wait, shuri is hanging in peters room? are y’all having a sleepover or something lol?

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @whomstve

yes.

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @whomstve

yes.

 

jazzy @yoweewowee

In reply to @SMOfficial and @wakandanprincess

pics or it didn’t happen!!

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @yoweewowee

:P

[attached: a selfie taken with both Peter and Shuri in frame. Peter is holding the camera, Shuri visible over his shoulder. They seem to be sitting on a floor, Peter crosslegged and Shuri with her feet underneath her. They’re both putting up peace signs and Shuri is sticking her tongue out. Peter has a cheeky grin.]

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

Saved to the collection.

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @iamironman

>:-/

 


 

sandy @woofwoofboi

oh my gosh i would actually die for peter and tony

24.2k likes 13.2k retweets

 

actual strongest avenger @drbanner

In reply to @woofwoofboi

You’re still in the honeymoon phase in terms of their bond. Trust me, you’ll get sick of them soon enough.

 

strongest avenger @thorodinson

In reply to @drbanner

i have no idea what it is you’re talking about in terms of honeymoons and Stark and Starkson but i agree!!!

 

actual strongest avenger @drbanner

In reply to @thorodinson

xoxo

 

not a goddess but should be @valkyrie

In reply to @drbanner and @thorodinson

for Odin’s sake, i leave for two moments and you’re both already being disgustingly mushy

 

actual strongest avenger @drbanner

In reply to @valkyrie

Jealous?

 

strongest avenger  @thorodinson

In reply to @valkyrie

:p

 

not a goddess but should be @valkyrie

In reply to @drbanner

getting involved with you two was a mistake.

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

y’all still pro-’life’? in our good 20biteen?? Tragic.

11.4M likes 7.9M retweets

 

sal @nopixpls

In reply to @SMOfficial

Spider-man is pro-choice? Be still my beating heart.

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @nopixpls

gotta yeetus that fetus

 

sal @nopixpls

In reply to @SMOfficial

SKJDLDLDJLSKKSKSAKSJ

Chapter Text

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

.@captmarvel if i, let’s say, tricked you into signing adoption papers… would you be mad?

4.6M likes 2.5M retweets

 

baddest (bi)tch @captmarvel

In reply to @SMOfficial

you wouldn’t even need to trick me, give me those papers i’ll sign them willingly

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @captmarvel

:-D


 

wanda @scarletwitch

highkey offended that peter didn’t ask ME to adopt him tbh

896k likes 523k retweets

 

20/20 @vision

In reply to @scarletwitch

You still have him blocked tho

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @vision

oh shit you right

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

wanda unblocked me!!! :-D

2.1M likes 1.3M retweets

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @SMOfficial

only for that Internet Clout, don’t get too excited. you’re only as useful as your 25mil followers are

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @scarletwitch

wait w h a t. since when did i have 25mil?!?!!!!??! not even mr stark has that many what the f u ck

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

yup, you’ve overtaken me by 3mil. good job

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @iamironman

hhhhhhh ?!?!!!!??!????!

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

so we’re at 25mil which is Lit and honestly i don’t really care t o o much about it, but i’m thinking i could maybe do something to celebrate! i’ll get to thinking!!

5.7M likes 3.2M retweets

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

hey @antman,,, cuz you can shrink really small,,, does that mean i could actually vore you???

7.8M likes 5.6M retweets

 

scotty @antman

In reply to @SMOfficial

please stop asking me this i’m begging i’m honestly considering a restraining order at this point sTOP

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @antman

I’m gonna munch… I’m gonna crunch…

 


 

bucky @jamesbarnes

lol my arm brushed against peter and he passed the FUCK out

2.1M likes 1.3M retweets

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @jamesbarnes

don’t like the cold.

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @jamesbarnes and @SMOfficial

why am i never there to witness the Mess smh

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @wakandanprincess

cuz ur a responsible person responsibly taking care of your responsibilities

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @SMOfficial and @wakandanprincess

ya

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

in case y’all have missed it, here’s my daily Thor Thirst: *clears throat* strong arms…,,, j a w…, chiselled... but also… pu p py… hhhrhrhhsh smile of an a nge l

 

slater @heathygal

In reply to @SMOfficial

aren’t you literally in a relationship? yikes.

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @heathygal

bold of u to assume we aren’t aware of his (really obvious) love for Thor

 

Guy In The Chair @nedleeds

In reply to @heathygal

and even bolder of u to assume we don’t wholeheartedly support him in it

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @heathygal

instead of assuming shit about peters relationship and being a snarky, pretentious little shit, how about you mind your own goddamn business??

 


 

jen @r0tten

okay but mj and ned immediately swooping in to defend peter’s honour is everything i ever needed and more <3 i love them.

34k likes 27.1k retweets

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @r0tten

we just want the best for our Useless Whiteboy

 

Guy In The Chair @nedleeds

In reply to @r0tten and @michellejones

and in this case the best is that God Dick

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @michellejones and @nedleeds

oh my fucking god.

Chapter Text

cap @steverogers

i just realised barely any of the Avengers know anything about peter…

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @steverogers

sorry. you must be at least level 8 family to unlock my tragic backstory

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @SMOfficial

but Bucky and Tony know e v e r y t h i n g about you!!!

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @cbarton

bucky and tony are level 11 and 12 family respectively they don’t count

 

strongest avenger @thorodinson

In reply to @SMOfficial

!! what about me? :-(

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @thorodinson

don’t worry ur on a completely different scale

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @SMOfficial

ya, the fag scale

 


 

freya @hannyo

so are we not gonna talk about how bucky used a slur??? Cancelled.

32.1k likes 10.4k retweets

 

nat @blackwidow

In reply to @hannyo

have you never heard of reclaiming words??

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @hannyo

me big gay

 

freya @hannyo

In reply to @jamesbarnes

oh shit my bad my g

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

okay i know everything cooled down super quick but can i just say: Cancel Culture is pretty stupid :-/ u really out here tryna ‘cancel’ people before u even know what’s going on?? yikes

4.2M likes 3.1M retweets

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @SMOfficial

maybe she snapped

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

the mom in mean girls was way more responsible of a parent than the movie tried to convince us she was

3.2M likes 4.1M retweets

 

caw caw @samwilson

In reply to @SMOfficial

you’re just full of Hot Takes today, aren’t you?

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

therapy: expensive, only effective in the long run, lame

saying “it be like that sometimes”: free, immediately effective, makes u sound cool B)

5.4M likes 4.7M retweets

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

mr rogers told me to tell you all that my last tweet was just a joke and if you’re suffering you should really go to a therapist and get the help you deserve

4.2M likes 3.1M retweets

 

nat @blackwidow

In reply to @SMOfficial

someone got in trouble with stepdad

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @blackwidow

literally shut up

 

nat @blackwidow

In reply to @SMOfficial

wow Rude

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @blackwidow

i’m sorry aunty nat :-(

 

nat @blackwidow

In reply to @SMOfficial

you’re lucky you’re adorable

 


 

baddest (bi)tch @captmarvel

i’ve known peter for approximately 3 days but if anything happened to him i would kill everyone on this god forsaken planet and then myself

3.2M likes 2.6M retweets

 

the wasp @hopevandyne

In reply to @captmarvel

big fuckin mood

 


 

IronDad @iamironman

The fact that peter has so many people that would kill for him makes me feel a lot less worried about him going on patrol tbh

3.6M likes 3.1M retweets

 


 

nyoom nyoom bitch @pietromaximoff

best thing about accent: everything i say sounds like a threat if i make my voice deep enough

1.2M likes 821.4k retweets

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @pietromaximoff

haha wow that’s cool. too bad i wouldn’t know because mY HEARING AIDS RAN OUT AND YOU STILL HAVENT GOTTEN ME THE BATTERIES I ASKED FOR

 

nyoom nyoom bitch @pietromaximoff

In reply to @cbarton

oh shit that’s why i left gotta bLAST

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

as of today i am officially accepting applicants for a replacement Dad. the requirements are:

  1. not tony stark
  2. that’s it that’s the requirements

4.3M likes 3.2M retweets

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @SMOfficial

.@blackpanther apply now.

 

King T’Challa @blackpanther

In reply to @wakandanprincess

You don’t need to tell me, I am already sending for someone to email Peter

 


 

 

IronDad @iamironman

I wake up this morning and suddenly i have no son what the FUCK is going on

4.2M likes 2.3M retweets

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @iamironman

pete’s Angry at you cuz you put his fav pyjamas in the wash and they shrunk

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @iamironman and @jamesbarnes

it’s okay he will be happier with us my brother’s application has been accepted

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @wakandanprincess

what do you mean with you

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @iamironman

he will have whatever pjs he wants in wakanda. f o r e v e r   s l e e p o v e r

 


 

celia @cdisease

okay but highkey shuri and peter be cute as hell. “forever sleepover” my hEART

24k likes 10.2k retweets

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

last night on patrol i gave a drunk girl an elastic hair tie and she invited me to her wedding in january… kaylin, if ur reading this… i will be there i promise u

7.3M likes 5.8M retweets

Chapter Text

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

people out here in love and shit, huh?

[attached: a picture taken from behind a couch in Stark Tower, it looks to be Wanda and Vision sitting there, Vision in his human form. they’re watching Wall-E on the tv screen in front of them, Wanda’s head is resting on Vision’s shoulder and he has an arm wrapped around her]

6.7M likes 4.8M retweets

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @SMOfficial

omg delete this i have a reputation to uphold

 

20/20 @vision

In reply to @scarletwitch and @SMOfficial

I think it’s a nice pic

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @SMOfficial and @vision

… change of plans peter you can keep the pic up




 

jen @r0tten

attention all ScarletVision shippers: say “Thank you Spider-Man for the wonderful supply of content”

14.5k likes 9.8k retweets

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @r0tten

;-D

 


 

serenity @peacey

i love how bucky literally came out as gay and nobody even batted an eyelid

65.7k likes 21.6k retweets

 


 

strongest avenger @thorodinson

still can’t believe Loki faked his death.

342k likes 175k retweets

 

moms favourite @loki

In reply to @thorodinson

omg you’re still whining about that? it’s been like a year

 

strongest avenger @thorodinson

In reply to @loki

tattoos are forever, loki!!! i have your name permanently on my frickin a r m

 

moms favourite @loki

In reply to @thorodinson

that’s not my fault!

 

20/20 @vision

In reply to @thorodinson and @loki

…did thor just say frick??

 

moms favourite @loki

In reply to @vision

i honestly think he physically cannot swear

 

strongest avenger @thorodinson

In reply to @vision and @loki

lying again!! you never stop!! >:(

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @thorodinson

say fuck.

 

strongest avenger @thorodinson

In reply to @scarletwitch

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

thor makes me so soft… so good… the Best Person…

2.3M likes 1.5M retweets

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @SMOfficial

:/

 

Guy In The Chair @nedleeds

In reply to @SMOfficial

:/

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @michellejones and @nedleeds

***ONE of the Best People. simply typo. i’m lov u

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @SMOfficial

Better.

 

Guy In The Chair @nedleeds

In reply to @SMOfficial

:)

 


 

Tomato Lasagna @69imabigot69

the fuck is going on?? we have gays as superheroes now?? what a way to fucking ruin our line of defence.

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @69imabigot69

there are literally interspecies relationships and aliens on our team and you’re worried about sexuality??? of all things??? yikes

 

nat @blackwidow

In reply to @cbarton and @69imabigot69

there is literally a Gamma Radiated Green Mutant shifting man in a relationship with a God and a Valkyrie

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @cbarton and @69imabigot69

i am literally almost a hundred years old and look like i’m twenty (dermatologists hate me)

 

nyoom nyoom bitch @pietromaximoff

In reply to @cbarton and @69imabigot69

wanda’s dating a toaster.

 

20/20 @vision

In reply to @pietromaximoff

ya

 


 

strongest avenger @thorodinson

i just drank 4 bottles of vodka straight

562k likes 436k retweets

 

not a goddess but should be @valkyrie

In reply to @thorodinson

nice.

 

actual strongest avenger @drbanner

In reply to @thorodinson and @valkyrie

NOT ‘nice’! For fucks sake, we’ve talked about impulse control already

 

strongest avenger @thorodinson

In reply to @drbanner

but... tastes good...

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @thorodinson

2 shots of vodka

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

hi! my name is peter b parker :) the b stands for Biggest Fucking Dumbass

1.3M likes 1M retweet

 

ms maximoff pls @steponmyneck

In reply to @SMOfficial

i mean Big Mood but what happened??

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @steponmyneck

was walking around and staring at my phone in the living room. mr stark came in.

 

ms maximoff pls @steponmyneck

In reply to @SMOfficial

??? what’s dumb about that?

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @steponmyneck

apparently i thought the fucking ceiling was the floor. i has been walking on the ceiling for 20 minutes. mr stark scared me and i fell and hurt my leg >:-|

 

gerard @notawayshush

In reply to @SMOfficial

!! are you okay??!

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @notawayshush

ya i’m fine now lol. currently half-Legless but everything will be back to normal shortly

 


 

seven @ringswasntthatgood

what the fuck why is spider-man missing a leg rn???!!! what?!!?!?

21.4k likes 18.9k retweets

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @ringswasntthatgood

you must be new here huh.

 


 

20/20 @vision

good lord help me

143k likes 89.7k retweets

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @vision

what’s wrong bb

 

20/20 @vision

In reply to @scarletwitch

you look too lovely today, that shouldn’t be allowed

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

for anyone wondering, wanda face planted into the kitchen table after reading vision’s compliment. love that for her

 


 

jen @r0tten

the avengers really said ScarletVision rights huh

54k likes 37k retweets

 

nat could get it @anydayoftheweek

In reply to @r0tten

i’m not saying ScarletVision is adorable but,,, MAYBE straights deserve rights…

Chapter Text

New York Post @NYPost

If spiders worked together, they could eat all of humankind within a year

1.3M likes 2.6M retweets

 

nat @blackwidow

In reply to @NYPost

@SMOfficial look

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @NYPost and @blackwidow

and i oop—

 


 

caw caw @samwilson

ever since that goddamn news article i’ve caught peter and nat staring at me hungrily multiple times… if i stop posting assume i’ve been vored

452.1k likes 313k retweets

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @samwilson

hey karen, how edible are falcons?

 

Karen @SpideyAI

In reply to @SMOfficial

Falcons are a protected species in America. While they are edible, it would be unwise to eat them as you would be breaking the law.

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @SpideyAI

i am the law, karen

 

caw caw @samwilson

In reply to @SMOfficial

1) no you most certainly are NOT and 2) you actually made your AI a twitter??

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @samwilson

[attached: a picture of kim kardashian, subtitles on the bottom of the picture saying “it’s what she deserves”]

 


 

wanda @scarletwitch

officially disowning one (1) pietro maximoff. i can’t believe this. unbelievable.

452.1k likes 213k retweets

 

nyoom nyoom bitch @pietromaximoff

In reply to @scarletwitch

omg you’re actually so dramatic

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @pietromaximoff

i am reacting in a perfectly reasonable way you fucking Sega ripoff

 

nyoom nyoom bitch @pietromaximoff

In reply to @scarletwitch

it really IS NOT as big a deal as you’re making it out to be

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @pietromaximoff

you’ve been collecting pokemon cards for like 2 years, KNOWING how much i fucking love them!! those were MY thing!!!

 

nyoom nyoom bitch @pietromaximoff

In reply to @scarletwitch

oh i’m sorry, i didn’t realise you OWNED NINTENDO NOW. STOP GATEKEEPING U MELODRAMATIC WHORE

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @scarletwitch and @pietromaximoff

i live for the drama omg

 


 

IronDad @iamironman

The amount of messages I get pertaining to Peter is unbelievable. You’re all Whipped for my son and idk how i feel about it

3.7M likes 1.3M retweets

 

sesame @streetgang

In reply to @iamironman

everytime tony calls peter his son i feel my heart clench and i’m reminded that there are people with dads who love them :’)

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @streetgang

who’d’ve thought all it would take would be to lose two other father figures in my life lol

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @SMOfficial and @streetgang

3rd time’s the charm.

 


 

Cap @steverogers

Went and did a talk at an elementary school today. Took questions, expecting to get stuff like ‘what was it like in ___’ like usual. Instead, got an 8 y/o that asked “what was it like living in black and white?”

6.2M likes 3.2M retweets

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @steverogers

i’m sorry for your scalp

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

[attached: a video shot by peter in the living room of Stark Tower. the room is dark and the only light source is the tv. shuri is in frame, along with the screen. the tv is playing Dr Phil and Shuri is very over-exaggeratedly screaming and cheering as Dr Phil takes his suit jacket off. the camera is slightly shaking, as peter is laughing behind it. the video cuts off mid-scream.]

4.3M likes 2.1M retweets

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

sometimes i wish i understood what the fuck you two are doing but tbh i think it’s best if i don’t.

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @iamironman

tbh. i mean,, look what they did to bucky.

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @cbarton

drink your yee-yee juice and keep me OFF your timeline u plucked ostrich

 

Chapter Text

“You move like a slap bracelet.”

 

Peter looked away from the screen of the tv, spoon still stuck in his mouth. The look of confusion was evident though, as his brows furrowed. He hummed inquisitively, only barely able to be heard over the tv.

 

Shuri heard just fine though, and simply nodded matter-of-factly, confident in her conclusion. She was a very confident girl and Peter loved that, but it didn’t help Peter understand what in the everloving fuck she was talking about right now.

 

He removed the spoon from his mouth, putting it back into the tub of Ben and Jerry’s until after he found out why Shuri had come to the conclusion about him that she had. He turned around slightly, positioning his body to face hers on the other side of the couch, slightly hindered by all of the blankets surrounding him. She met his gaze head on, face perfectly stoic and serious. He hoped his mirrored hers but he knew it probably didn’t.

 

“Shuri…” He started off “what the fuck are you talking about?”

 

Shuri looked at him like he was dumb.

 

Maybe he was. He reasoned.

 

“I saw you hugging Ned and MJ goodbye earlier. When they hugged you, your arms snapped up to their sides, like a slap bracelet.”

“... Maybe so.”

 

With that, they turned back to the tv, watching in companionable silence once again. Peter was now halfway done with his pint of ice cream. It melted a bit during their conversation but it still tasted good. At least he didn’t have to hack away at it now.

 

“Hey, Shuri?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Remember when your brother got Approved to be my new dad and you said we could have a forever sleepover?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“... That could still happen… If I ever needed it, right?”

 

“Duh.”

 

“Nice.”

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

no offence but,,,, the Avengers… aren’t that Smart.

2.3M likes 1.7M retweets

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @SMOfficial

we all share one singular brain cell and most of the time it’s with nat

 

nat @blackwidow

In reply to @SMOfficial and @jamesbarnes

ya

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

one week B)

[ attached: a picture of a piece of paper on a glass table. the paper has the words “kaylin and chris’s wedding 24/01/19” written messily in black ink. there also seems to be an address to the venue and a time but they have blurred out. ]

3.7M likes 2.7M retweets

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @SMOfficial

so you actually weren’t just making it up for clout wow

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @SMOfficial

is there a plus one

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @SMOfficial and @jamesbarnes

plus two**

 


 

bucky @jamesbarnes

sick and TIRED of y’all using me as an extension of steve. i ain’t his babysitter and he isn’t the one single good thing in my life! fuck y’all who think i’m just “captain america’s friend”. i’m bucky fucking barnes, bitch!!!!!!

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @jamesbarnes

omg yes go off!!!

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @jamesbarnes

i think i may be in love with you

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @cbarton

as you should be.




 

To say Peter didn’t like suits would be an understatement, but he was a respectable young man and therefore would wear the appropriate clothing that best fit the dress code for the event he was attending.

 

That event being a wedding, of course. Kaylin’s wedding to be precise. Peter did not back out on promises, especially pinkie promises. Aunt May told him when he was five that if you backed out of a pinkie promise then your pinkie would be chopped off.

 

Granted, Peter would be able to regrow it in around 20 minutes, and he’s handled worse cases of mutilation, but still. He’d feel like a right asshole.

 

Shuri and Bucky had made good of their own promises, both having gotten dressed up as well. After they had both expressed a want to attend, Peter had dm’ed Kaylin and asked for permission. She, like any other human being, was extremely excited by the prospect of two more superheroes showing up to her wedding to eat food and dance.

 

“I call dibs on the bouquet,” Peter murmured, as the reception began. Shuri snorted in reply.

 

“You are as big as my pinkie finger, I highly doubt you’ll be able to catch it.”

 

“I can put him on my shoulders,” Bucky piped up, noting the -maybe slightly exaggerated- crestfallen look on Peter’s face. Peter looked thoughtful for a moment.

 

“I could just yeet everyone out of my way…” He trailed off, obviously thinking of multiple scenarios. “Or just yoink the bouquet with my webs.”

 

“Silly String.”

 

“Fuck off.” Peter snapped noncommittally, eyes moving away from Shuri towards Kaylin, the bride, who was making her way over to them. She took a few moments longer than others would, as she had to manoeuvre her dress so as not to let it get stepped on by the many people mingling around.

 

The minute she reached them, she gave Peter a tight hug, which Peter returned. She only had a fuzzy memory of the night she invited him, seeing as she had been absolutely smashed, but when Spider-Man dm’s you saying he’s coming to your wedding, you don’t ask questions. You must accept the gifts God gives you, especially if they’re in the form of a teenage boy with a heart bigger than his body and tendency to amputate himself in his spare time.

 

Shuri and Bucky also got hugs, Kaylin jumping slightly as Bucky’s arm made contact with her exposed shoulders, it was very cold.

 

“You have no idea how glad I am that you made it!” Kaylin practically beamed, and Peter felt his face heat up. He wasn’t very good with these kinds of social situations, but luckily he managed to scrape by anyways.

 

“I’m glad to be here,” He grinned, albeit slightly awkwardly - Kaylin didn’t seem to notice so it was fine, really -, Shuri and Bucky backing him up with noises of agreement.

 

“It’s a pleasure to be able to witness and share you and your husband’s special day,” Bucky smiled, very clearly well-versed in stuff like this. All the charity work must have been excellent practice.

 

“What type of cake do you have?” Shuri bluntly asked, completely ruining the mood. Peter turned to nudge her, to tell her she can’t say that, but Kaylin took it in stride, having that starstruck look in her eyes so many people tend to have around them.

 

“Well, each layer’s different!” She laughed and her and Shuri left to go to said cake, Kaylin telling her the flavours and what not. Shuri just wanted cake, Peter couldn’t really fault her for it to be honest, it looked good.

 

With Kaylin and Shuri gone, Bucky and Peter busied themselves with talking to the others at the wedding, everyone eager to have the chance to talk to and get pictures with the two Avengers.

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

i told nick this was PR work but it wasn’t :p

[attached: a selfie of Peter and Kaylin at the wedding reception. Kaylin has changed from her wedding dress to a shorter white dress, the lighting suggests it may have been so she could dance better to the music playing. There are people behind them dancing and chatting. Both of them are smiling.]

8.9M likes 7.8M retweets

Chapter Text

parker stan #1 @spiderhoe

not to be a buzzkill, but does anyone else find it weird that bucky is hanging out so much with peter?? a literal minor??

1.2k likes 653 retweets

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @spiderhoe

i pretty much threw up in my mouth at what you’re hinting at in this tweet so i hope that answers whatever fucked up shit you’re wondering

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @spiderhoe

are you actually fucking serious. i can’t be friends with someone just because they’re older and as a result their intentions MUST not be “uwu pure and nice”? NEWS FLASH: you don’t know nearly as much as you think and you are in no position to throw around accusations like this.

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @spiderhoe

i can be friends with whoever i want, no matter their age. just because they’re older does not mean they are inherently predatory for being my friend. bucky won’t even entertain the idea of talking about nsfw stuff with me, so that should give you a good idea of his intentions.

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @spiderhoe

shuri, bucky and i all bonded over the fact we’re all queer and have been best friends since, that’s literally all there is to our relationship. we’re a bunch of stupid gays just goofing around.

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @spiderhoe

and honestly? as someone who IS LITERALLY A SEXUAL ABUSE SURVIVOR it’s pretty insulting for you to insinuate that someone who i literally trust with my life is ANYTHING like the monster who hurt me. f u c k   o f f.

 


 

Cap @steverogers

i’ve helped raise an icon

[attached: screenshots of peter’s tweets responding to @spiderhoe.]

2.4M likes 3.7M retweets

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @steverogers

[attached: a picture of someone crying and surrounded by heart emojis]

 


 

joslyn @roslynivory

i love how peter just manages to bring out the Softness of the avengers. quite Iconic.

231k likes 198.9k retweets

 

bonbon @freddiebear

In reply to @roslynivory

he also manages to bring out the Relatability. i no longer see superheroes as Higher than humans by default. they’re trash fires like the rest of us.

 

joslyn @roslynivory

In reply to @freddiebear

amen sisss

 


 

josie @sunnywinters

god i will never get tired of peter SNAPPING and defending his friends it really makes me go uwu

24k likes 16.3k retweets

 

nat @blackwidow

In reply to @sunnywinters

same tbh

 


 

bucky  @jamesbarnes

auditioned for the main role in life and ended up with the second role but you can bet i’m still the fan favourite babie!!!

3.6M likes 2.1M retweets

 


 

the wasp @hopevandyne

first time i met peter he showed me the bee movie because “miss van dyne, it’s you!!”. i’ve sworn an oath to protect him with my life ever since.

781k likes 541k retweets

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @hopevandyne

join the fuckin club

 

nyoom nyoom bitch @pietromaximoff

In reply to @hopevandyne and @scarletwitch

sensing a lot of jealousy ooooo

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @pietromaximoff

MY boy :(

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @scarletwitch and @hopevandyne

im lov the both of u

Chapter Text

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

oh my god this is actually the day i die

2.9M likes 1.7M retweets

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @SMOfficial

lol what happened this time

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @jamesbarnes

thor,,,, h e …,. He…

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @SMOfficial and @jamesbarnes

bitch fuckin spit it out

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @wakandanprincess

shirtle ss..,, hhhh ches st. abs,,,,... aRM S

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @SMOfficial

i’m fuckifn dyi ng skSKSJSKKSKS

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

… my son is a Disaster

 

Cap @steverogers

In reply to @SMOfficial and @iamironman

He takes after you

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @steverogers

you shut your FUCKING mouth

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

y’all remember when you were in middle school and you’d read like an entire book in one evening? i miss that.

4.8M likes 3.1M retweets

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @SMOfficial

ned bought me a book he thought i’d like. i’ve been reading for a week and i’m on chapter 2.

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @SMOfficial

ugh mood

 


 

Sharon S. @sharonseffinfield

Anyone else find it kind of unprofessional for SpiderMan to be using his official twitter handle the way he does?

1.8k likes 643 retweets

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @sharonseffinfield

i’m literally a superhuman who helps save the world i can do whatever i want with my twitter sharon

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

so many people always asking me “how can i save the world like you?” the answer: pick up trash… clean your local beach… stop supporting major companies who do nothing to stop or reduce the negative impact they have on the earth… be a Good Person and save the goddamn earth

10.8M likes 8.9M retweets

 

supernerd @3picgam3r69

In reply to @SMOfficial

your dad is literally tony stark

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @3picgam3r69

and he’s the #1 billionaire in the world fighting against climate change and creating technology to reduce the effects of global warming. what’s your point.

 

Guy In The Chair @nedleeds

In reply to @3picgam3r69 and @SMOfficial

lol i think he thought he had an argument

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @nedleeds

tragic.

 


 

cli(n)t @cbarton

we’re all literally highly trained assassins/special agents/mutants yet we got fans that act like we’re the jonas brothers

786k likes 601k retweets

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @cbarton

kind of iconic if you ask me

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

it has been 2 days since i last saw my bf n gf irl so, as expected, i will be jumping out of the highest window of stark tower :)

2.6M likes 1.8M retweets

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @SMOfficial

i miss them :-(

 

Cap @steverogers

In reply to @SMOfficial

Why not invite them over for dinner tomorrow?

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @steverogers

ew no you and mr.stark will be Gross and In Love at the dinner table in front of them

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

i’m actually in shock from the Disrespect. wow.

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @iamironman

pls don’t ground me i’m sorry

 


 

wanda @scarletwitch

lol peters been grounded by the SuperDads if any of y’all were wondering.

876k likes 431k retweets

 

nat @blackwidow

In reply to @scarletwitch

shuri’ll probably sneak in somehow and keep him company, he’ll be fine

 


 

bucky @jamesbarnes

brb bouta fight God in a wendy’s parking lot

1.9M likes 782k retweets

 

Wendy’s @Wendys

In reply to @jamesbarnes

which restaurant? we’ll provide refreshments x

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @Wendys

this is the best day of my life wendy’s just noticed me

 


 

cli(n)t @cbarton

bucky got noticed by wendy’s without needing to even @ them and i can’t even get a text back

569k likes 419k retweets

Chapter Text

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

sure i wear a thong in my spidey suit, but not for the reasons y’all think. i just like to feel good in myself lol

4.9M likes 3.2M retweets

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @SMOfficial

nice. 

 

Guy In The Chair @nedleeds

In reply to @SMOfficial

nice. 

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

met a dude called quentin beck while on patrol. nice guy, he gave me his ice lolly as a thank you for saving him ^-^

[attached: a selfie of peter, still suited but without his mask, and quentin. peter’s holding an ice lolly in the hand not holding the phone.]

3.8M likes 2.1M retweets

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

is that— you know what, nvm

 

cap @steverogers

In reply to @SMOfficial and @iamironman

better to just let him do his thing, love. 

 


 

ready to sink @withmyship

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[attached: two screenshots. first is a screenshot of tony and steve’s previous interaction. second is a zoom in on steve’s reply, specifically the word “love”]

121k likes 54.8k retweets

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

people really be fangirling over my Father and his bf. blech old people in love makes me barf. like go take a nap grandpa smh

2.9M likes 2.1M retweets

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @SMOfficial

you literally have an intense crush on an ancient god lol

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @jamesbarnes

*ariana grande accent* and what about it

 


 

bucky @jamesbarnes

clint: i have aids. 

me: *having an aneurysm* w h a t

clint: *opens hand to reveal hearing aids*

3.2M likes 2.1M retweets

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @jamesbarnes

you should see me rn i’m fingergunning you so hard

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @cbarton

i wish i was still brainwashed. 

 


 

wanda @scarletwitch

peter why do you bother with the mask when we all know who u are now

2.7M likes 1.9M retweets

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @scarletwitch

cuz it makes me feel cool B)

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @SMOfficial

that’s fair

 


 

Natasha didn’t expect for the book she wanted to read in the living room bookshelf to be full of pressed flowers but that was what God intended for her apparently. 

 

She watched as they slid out from the pages onto the ground at her feet, face stoic. While at first slight confusing, it really wasn’t the strangest thing to happen while living in Stark Tower. It just seemed slightly out of place for an array of - quite expertly colour-coordinated, to be honest - flowers to be residing in Naked Lunch of all books. 

 

“Who in the actual fuck is making an aesthetic project in the pages of my book?” She called out, eyes still focused on the pile of flowers scattered across the floor. She looked up at the sound of a loud - kind of dramatic - gasp, seeing Peter standing in the doorway and also staring at the flowers. 

 

Time seemed to halt for all of two seconds, before Peter helped out a quiet, dismayed “No!” and rushed forward, crouching down to delicately begin picking up the flowers. Natasha watched for a few moments, stepping back half a step to give him space to pick up his belongings. 

 

“I take it these are yours, then?” She mused, to which Peter hummed, standing up now having collected them all. He had pulled the bottom of his shirt away from his body, making somewhat of a pouch to place and hold the flowers when he realised there wasn’t enough room in his hands to hold them without crushing them. He looked back up at the redhead, eyes and expression suddenly very serious. 

 

“Yes.” He stated “And I put a lot of effort into getting them, so I didn’t want them to just waste away and die, so I killed them anyways but preserved their corpses.”

 

Natasha nodded in understanding “Ah.”

 

“I’m gonna go put these in one of my own books, sorry for putting them in yours, it was just the first one I grabbed. Enjoy your reading!”

 

“Bye Pete, have fun with your corpses.”

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

hmmnnnnggg coo k ie gruuhghrkll

4.8M likes 2.1M retweets

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @SMOfficial

are you seriously hungry at 4:30am. reevaluate your Everything 

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @wakandanprincess

my healing factor makes me burn through calories faster oKAY LEAVE ME ALONE HOE

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @SMOfficial

i’M ENTITLED TO MY OPINION YOU LITERAL DISASTER

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @wakandanprincess

YOURE ALSO ENTITLED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @SMOfficial and @wakandanprincess

can y’all stop screaming omg you’re so loud. ur literally more annoying than clint rn

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @jamesbarnes

ouch

Chapter Text

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

sometimes you just gotta stare at a wall for 20 solid minutes to truly Understand why people are Awful. 

4.8M likes 2.3M retweets

 

weronika @twovees

In reply to @SMOfficial

are you okay??

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @twovees

haha. no. 

 


 

wanda @scarletwitch

before anyone takes this peter situation too far, he was angry that clint burned down his minecraft house pls calm down

1.8M likes 1M retweets

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @scarletwitch

wow clint is the fucking Worst

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @jamesbarnes

bucky please

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @cbarton 

ur username sure is fitting considering you’re an absolute TWAT smh

 

Cap @steverogers

In reply to @cbarton and @jamesbarnes

BUCKY

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

i’m okay now. shuri helped me rebuild it n me, her, mj and ned all spent hours on video call :) i love my friends <3

3.9M likes 2.1M retweets

 


 

PewDiePie @pewdiepie

.@SMOfficial heard you like minecraft. 

2.9M likes 2.3M retweets

 

jen @r0tten

In reply to @pewdiepie

is it,,,, OH MY GOD ITS HAPPENING ISNT IT

 

WATER @MELONBOI

In reply to @pewdiepie

THE FUCKING CROSSOVER OF THE CENTURY

 

dark @StarryNitE

In reply to @pewdiepie

oh god please let this actually be happening. i’m begging. 

 


 

Tony sat at the kitchen island, mug of coffee in one hand, the other scrolling on the tablet in front of him, reading up on the news of what was happening. Steve was busy fixing up breakfast for those already awake in the tower. 

 

He glanced up at the blond, who’s back was currently to him, and couldn’t stop the fond grin as he completely focused on his task. He didn’t expect to ever be able to claim that a literal super-soldier had a passion for cooking, but here they were. 

 

It was quiet, something he knew Pepper was grateful for, the woman not sitting at the island, preferring the actual table situated just slightly further across the kitchen. 

 

Well, it was quiet. 

 

Until a loud screech came from Peter’s room, loud enough to travel downstairs. Everyone currently awake immediately stiffened, perking up to see if what happened warranted them kicking some criminal ass to protect the best boy. They were able to relax though, as Peter followed his scream with an equally loud sentence. 

 

“PEWDIEPIE JUST FUCKING @‘D ME!”

 


 

bucky @jamesbarnes

did i ever tell y’all that steve is a great cook? cuz he’s a  g r e a t cook. wow. 

1.9M likes 981k retweets

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @jamesbarnes

did he cook you up a love life

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @cbarton

idk did he cook u up a personality that’s actually likeable 

 


 

cli(n)t @cbarton

he wasn’t supposed to reply that way :/

[ attached: a screenshot of the earlier conversation ]

872k likes 634.1k retweets

 

joey @jonas

In reply to @cbarton

what was he supposed to say?

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @jonas

i had it all planned out! he was supposed to say ‘no’ and then i’d say ‘well would u like one ;)’ and then we’d live happily ever after

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @cbarton

i wish you would jump off a cliff on a far off planet several galaxies away

 

nat @blackwidow

In reply to @jamesbarnes and @cbarton

why did i get deja vu reading bucky’s tweet? for real made me shiver

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

what if,,,, the world,,, spun,,,,

3.9M likes 2.1M retweets

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @SMOfficial

it does. 

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @michellejones

wait really

 

Guy In The Chair @nedleeds

In reply to @SMOfficial and @michellejones

sure does pete

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @nedleeds

whoa

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @michellejones and @nedleeds

you’re both so smart i love u more than anything in this world. more than like,,, thor’s biceps, even

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @SMOfficial

damn, that’s a lot. 

 

Guy In The Chair @nedleeds

In reply to @SMOfficial

we love you too, petey. but are you okay lol

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @nedleeds

i haven’t slept in like 31 hours i can smell colours. 

 

mj @michellejones

In reply to @SMOfficial

jesus christ ok we’re coming

 

Guy In The Chair @nedleeds

In reply to @SMOfficial and @michellejones

we’ll have a nap date!

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @michellejones and @nedleeds

god blue smells so fucking good no cap (NOT talking about captain america. i never want to have no him. he’s too nice)

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

i just slept for 14 hours but it’s okay cuz mj n ned are here <3

3.2M likes 2.9M retweets

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

sometimes i forget that carol danvers is legally my mom lol jk i would NEVER forget that. it fills me with glee every second of the day

4.7M likes 3.2M retweets

 

frEE @oatmeal

In reply to @SMOfficial

wait the adoption paper thing wasn’t a joke??

 

baddest (bi)tch @captmarvel

In reply to @oatmeal

duh

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @oatmeal

it wasn’t!! shes the BEST <3

 

baddest (bi)tch @captmarvel

In reply to @SMOfficial

i love my son 

 


 

cap @steverogers

hey @iamironman i love you. 

7.8M likes 4.2M retweets

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @steverogers

i love you too you nerd

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

i’m not sure whether my dad’s are cute or gross and at this point i’m too afraid to ask myself

4.7M likes 3.2M retweets

 


 

wanda @scarletwitch

pietro stop stealing the fucking poptarts challenge 

3.2M likes 2.1M retweets

 

nyoom nyoom bitch @pietromaximoff

In reply to @scarletwitch

but they taste good 

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @pietromaximoff

exactly why you stop fucking stealing them. i want some you bitch


 

Baby to: Darling

 

Baby: i can go out and get some more if you want some

 

Darling: god i fucking adore you. pls do, and don’t let pietro anywhere near them pls

 

Baby: noted <3 you want strawberry, as per usual, i’m assuming?

 

Darling: yes please, but it’s okay if they don’t have those ones, any are fine really 

 

Baby: i’ll see what i can do xx

 

Darling: be safe xx

Chapter Text

bucky @jamesbarnes

oh my god i just realised something

1.9M likes 976k retweets

 

summer @suplex

In reply to @jamesbarnes

what’s that?

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @suplex

i’m clint’s sam,,, n clint is my bucky,,,

 

mr loki pls @stabmethnx

In reply to @jamesbarnes

sksksjsksk hows that work then

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @stabmethnx

i annoy sam,, clint annoys me,,, sam hates me,,, i hate clint,,,

 

mr loki pls @stabmethnx

In reply to @jamesbarnes

but sam doesn’t HATE hate you tho

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @stabmethnx

that’s the only difference

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @jamesbarnes

yknow you sure do talk about me a lot for someone who hates me 

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @cbarton

actually choke

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @jamesbarnes

i’m not gonna stop you from doing that, don’t use the metal arm tho. that’s too cold. i’d prefer the skin on skin action ;P

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @cbarton

i will steal your urinary tract

 


 

IronDad @iamironman

if one more person forgets to refill the coffee machine,,, i will actually nuke the tower while i’m still in it

3.2M likes 2.7M retweets

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

my life is a found family fanfiction with a dab of romance and a splash of coming of age

2.7M likes 2.4M retweets

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

where’s loki i miss loki it’s been like 5 days without seeing him WHERE IS HE

4.6M likes 3.2M retweets

 

moms favourite @loki

In reply to @SMOfficial

it’s safe to say i have never felt more appreciated by someone

 

SpiderKid @SMOffical

In reply to @loki

<33

 

mr rogers love me challenge @capstan

In reply to @SMOfficial and @loki

this might be the cutest shit i’ve ever seen

 


 

hilary @duffisanicon

okay but like,,, honestly peter is so sweet and wonderful? what did we do to deserve such a blessing in our lives??

8.6k likes 4.2k retweets

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @duffisanicon

sksjsjsksksk this is the sweetest thing ever!!!!!!!! thank you so so so much!!!!!! UGH ur iconic!!!! <3 <3

 


 

strongest avenger @thorodinson

can’t believe i’m confused again. unbelievable. will be contacting my lawyer immediately. 

2.9M likes 1.9M retweets

 

actual strongest avenger @drbanner

In reply to @thorodinson

you’ve been spending time with peter again haven’t you

 

strongest avenger @thorodinson

In reply to @drbanner

yes!!! he’s very funny and sweet :)

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @thorodinson and @drbannee

*guttural, scratchy screams, like those of a velociraptor*

 


 

bucky @jamesbarnes

me: want to see a magic trick? 

kid: yea!

me: *removes arm*

kid: *cries*

3.5M likes 2.8M retweets

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @jamesbarnes

ungrateful little bitch

 

cap @steverogers

In reply to @jamesbarnes 

bucky no—

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

water tastes so fucking good,,, need m ore

2.1M likes 1.8M reblogs

 

winona @missplease

In reply to @SMOfficial

spidey is HydroHomie conformed

 

reminding you to drink water @drinkwaterslut

In reply to @SMOfficial and @missplease

an unexpected Ally, but a welcome one

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

:) Happy 25mil followers (well, 37mil now but u get the point)

[attached: a link to a youtube video, uploaded by PewDiePie. the title is ‘I Found SPIDER-MAN In Minecraft?! (Not Fake)’. the thumbnail has a picture of Peter laughing, headset on and seeming to be sitting on a PewDiePie gaming chair, as the headrest is slightly in view, on the left, with Felix looking shocked with wide eyes and an open mouth on the right side. the pictures are masked over an image of a minecraft creation, a replica of Ikea Tower, but Spider-Man themed, with red, blue and black rather than cobblestone and Swedish.]

10.8M likes 8.6M retweets

 

jen @r0tten

In reply to @SMOfficial

AAAASHAJAKSHAHKKLALAKALAL

 

josh loves the avengers @joshtop

In reply to @SMOfficial

IT HAPPENED OH MY GOD 

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

we all praise tony for being my Dad… but what about clint :( he is father to Two superpowered orphans, rather than just one. appreciate him >:-(

7.1M likes 4.6M retweets

 

nyoom nyoom bitch @pietromaximoff

In reply to @SMOfficial

.@cbarton love u dad

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @SMOfficial and @pietromaximoff

ya

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @SMOfficial, @pietromaximoff and @scarletwitch

:)

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @SMOfficial

… okay maybe he deserves some praise for that,,, wanda and pietro are pretty Iconic

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @jamesbarnes

!!!!!! :D

 


 

cli(n)t @cbarton

this is the best day of my life

[attached: a screenshot of bucky’s previous tweet]

2.1M likes 1.3M retweets

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @cbarton

ill skin ur liver

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @jamesbarnes

one step forward two steps back i guess :(

 


 

mj @michellejones

lol i lost my chapstick under the sofa so peter’s first instinct was to lift the entire thing up with one arm so i could get it. so thoughtful. 

1.8M likes 1.2M retweets

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @michellejones

i stronk 

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

i don’t want responsibilities anymore. just want video game >:I singular. no plural. game. 

3.2M likes 3M retweets

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @SMOfficial

we can play mario kart if u want

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @cbarton

pls n thank u

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

ran into mr beck again! what are the odds! no need to save him this time tho, luckily! we had a good time catching up tho! he’s got great taste in candy and is real smart!

2.1M likes 1.7M retweets

 

IronDad @iamironman

In reply to @SMOfficial

kid,,, pls

 


 

caw caw @samwilson

bucky ate all of the cinnamon toast crunch i’m going to commit an actual murder

1.4M likes 892k retweets

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @samwilson

u will have to catch me first. i am fast. 

 


 

ms maximoff pls @steponmyneck

ugh wanda is just so pretty,,, i want to braid flowers into her hair while soft classical music plays in the background and rain platters against the window,,,,

1M likes 765k retweets

 

20/20 @vision

In reply to @steponmyneck

ugh mood.

 

wanda @scarletwitch

In reply to @vision

KSHSSKSKKSKLKL

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

me n aunty nat are starting a book club reply with ‘stonks’ if u r available and want to join

2.7M likes 2.2M retweets

 

caw caw @samwilson

In reply to @SMOfficial

stonks

 

actual strongest avenger @drbanner

In reply to @SMOfficial

stonks

 

baddest (bi)tch @captmarvel

In reply to @SMOfficial

stonks 

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @SMOfficial

stonks 

 

King T’Challa @blackpanther

In reply to @SMOfficial

stonks 

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @SMOfficial

stonks 

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @SMOfficial

stonks

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @cbarton and @SMOfficial

nvm i withdraw my stonks

 

cli(n)t @cbarton

In reply to @SMOfficial and @jamesbarnes

why must u break my heart this way

 


 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

wikihow to stop headache and sore throat 

3.2M likes 2.1M retweets

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @SMOfficial

kill to take mind off it

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @wakandanprincess

good idea, will take into consideration ty

 

shuri @wakandanprincess

In reply to @SMOfficial

srsly tho, do u want to come over for a movie night? @jamesbarnes too

 

SpiderKid @SMOfficial

In reply to @wakandanprincess

yes pls 

 

bucky @jamesbarnes

In reply to @SMOfficial and @wakandanprincess

omw