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Where is my mind?

Chapter Text

Brennen was kind of fucked up.

There had been a huge party at the Man Cave earlier in the evening, a massive blow out with over 200 people showing up. The house was trashed, all the furniture had been pushed up against the walls of the living room and the only people still standing were Brennen and Colby.

The party had been lit, best party of the year for sure.

The house felt eerily still as Brennen went into the kitchen to get himself a couple of shot glasses and a bottle of fireball. Everyone had left for the club hours ago so him and Colby had spent the last hour playing video games and listening to records. Just hanging out and drinking.

Brennen got the shot glasses out of the cupboard and looked around the kitchen, the floor was sticky from the beer and the alcohol and the fridge was left open with food everywhere. Bottles and ashtrays full of cigarettes and blunts were covering the table, Brennen shook his head at the mess and grabbed the fireball as he left the kitchen to head towards the living room.

Walking down the hall he could hear music, Colby had put another record on. He tried to distinguish the song and realised pretty quickly that it was some song by The Pixies.

Typical Colby. Colby easily gave the impression of listening to shitty emo music and dubstep, but he actually had a pretty refined music taste. Especially when he was fucked up.

Brennen entered the doorway to the livingroom and stopped abruptly to lean against the door frame for a while, he was more wasted then he'd thought. He'd taken a few pills during the evening and had his fair share of drinks, but he'd been sitting with colby for a while so getting up kind of made the room spin a little bit.

Standing in the doorway with the fireball in one hand and the shot glasses in the other, Brennen looked into the living room. All the lights were shut off and the only thing making it possible to see anything at all was the light of the moon beaming in through the windows, it colored the entire room blue.

Colby was standing in the middle of the living room in front of the stereo table, hands resting on top of his head holding on to his wrist with his back towards Brennen. Brennen quickly realised, Colby hadn't heard him coming.

As the song picked up Colby started to slowly twist his upper body and spin around with his eyes closed, a joint hanging out of his mouth, taking slow drags as he swayed. He was wearing black skinny jeans and a blue thin jumper with nothing underneath and the position of his body made the shirt rise up to reveal the bottom part of his stomach.

Brennen was kind of frozen in place, he didn't know if he should let Colby know he was here or keep watching.

After a few seconds he decided on the former and walked over to the drinks table off to the side of the room, setting down the glasses and pouring himself and Colby a shot each. He walked over to Colby and poked him in the ribs making him jump.

"Brennen, shit dude you scared me." Colby said, as he rubbed his ribcage and took the joint out of his mouth.

"Sorry bro', my bad. Here." Brennen handed Colby the shotglass and Colby took it, smiling broadly as he looked at Brennen. "Cheers." they said in unison.

They toasted the glasses and took the shots swiftly.

Hissing between his teeth Colby handed brennen his empty shotglass as Brennen set them back down on the table.

When Brennen turned back around, Colby took a drag of his joint and then offered it to Brennen.

"Want a hit, dude?" Colby asked.

Brennen wasn't sure, he was already kind of fucked up and he was feeling a little weird. Weed never really used to affect him too much though, so he took the joint from Colby and took a slow drag.

The joint was sort of damp, Brennen didn't mind.

Colby looked at him with a soft smile as he exhaled. Then he started giggling, Brennen followed suit because how could you not, Colby had the most infectious smile ever.

He'd always known there was something special about Colby. He wasn't like his other friends, he was softer. Not like a girl or anything, but sweeter, not as macho as his other guy friends. Brennen really didn't mind, Colby made him feel comfortable being himself. Being friends with Colby was so easy, he didn't have to stunt at all.

Brennen handed the joint back to Colby, who put it out against the wall and put it into his cigarette pack in his back pocket.

Turning around, Colby walked over to the food table, grabbing himself a few jeallybeans. Brennen followed him with his gaze, studying his every move. Yeah, Colby sure was different.

Lost in his thoughts Brennen didn't see Colby coming at him with a piece of cake in his hand and before he knew it he felt a slap across his face and wetness around his cheek and mouth. Looking up he saw Colby laughing, that big laugh where all his teeth are showing and his eyes turn into slits.

Colbys right hand was covered in whipped cream and chocolate spongecake, reaching his hand towards his mouth he started licking the food off of his hand as he kept laughing.

Brennens mouth hung open. Eyes wide like saucers.

"You little bitch, what the fuck Colby?" Brennen shrieked.

Colby just kept laughing, doubling over holding his stomach. Brennen had a smile on his face too, as he charged towards Colby ready to tackle the little shit.

"You think you can get away with that?" Brennen was laughing as he said it and Colby yelped as he tried to run away from Brennen but Brennen caught him by the back of his sweater. Brennen pinned Colby up against the food table and proceeded to get him back with a taste of his own medicine, grabbing a cupcake and trying to smash it into Colbys face.

Colby was roaring with laughter, pleading for Brennen to stop.

"Fuck, dude I'm sorry, no, don't get the hair!" Colby shrieked. Brennen laughed and let Colby go, backing away a few feet.

"Fine brother, I guess I'm just a bigger person than you." Brennen boasted, but just when Colby exhaled a sigh of relief Brennen changed his mind and threw the cupcake straight at his face.

"You fucking dick!" Colby roared and charged Brennen, toppling them both over straight into the couch.

Colby tried his best to pinch Brennen as Brennen mostly laughed and held Colby down because who are we kidding, Colby was no match for Brennen.

Finally, Brennen pushed Colby off of him and onto the other side of the couch, gasping for air.

"I give up, truce bro'!" Brennen said as he leant back against the couch closing his eyes, breathing heavily.

Colby did the same, getting comfortable next to Brennen, relaxing into the sofa.

After a few minutes he asked, "what time is it?". Brennen looked at his phone. It was almost 4 in the morning.

"Shit dude," Brennen replied, "It's almost 4 in the morning."

"Shit." Colby simply replied. After a few more minutes of catching their breath on the couch, Colby stood up.

He grabbed brennen by his sweatshirt and pulled him up along with him. He tugged on Brennen's shirt, hinting that he walk with him as he made his way over to the stereo table.

He let Brennen go as he fiddled with the record player, putting Where is my Mind on.

"This again?" Brennen asked, pretending to be annoyed.

Colby smiled as he turned around to face Brennen. "Come on, dude" he said, "It's a classic!"

He smiled goofily and took a hold of Brennen's hands, softly starting to sway with him to the rythm of the music. Brennen felt sort of embarrassed, but mostly laughed because Colby looked like such a doof.

"Bro this is like the gayest shit ever." Brennen said, making Colby crack up laughing.

The longer they "danced" like this the more relaxed they became. Like it wasn't strange at all. The room was hazy, blue from the moonlight and all Brennen could really see was Colby, so close, right in front of him. Colby had his eyes closed and mouthed along the words of the song. His hands pulling Brennen forward, letting go and raising his hands to rest his arms on Brennens shoulders as they continued dancing.

For some reason, Brennnen thought it would be so dope to kiss Colby right now. Not in like, a gay way, it just seemed so perfect with the music, and the moonlight and the dancing. Colby just looked like nothing he'd ever seen. His face blue, his lips pink and his huge eyes closed, his eyelashes casting shadows across his face.

The thought made him giggle a little to himself, causing Colby to slowly open his eyes, locking gazes with Brennen.

"Dude, what?" Colby said quietly, just barely audible over the music. Brennen looked back at him, shaking his head, taking Colbys hand and twirling him like a girl, making him laugh.

"No dude," Colby said, "that was the gayest shit ever!" Brennen laughed, pulling Colby back towards him.

"No way bro, I'm just being a gentleman, you know!" Brennen joked, winking.

"Oh, like always then." Colby played along. They both kind of laughed. They both felt a little awkward but they were used to this, they joked around like this all the time. They were best friends.

"Hey," Colby said, "have you ever done blowbacks?" He looked up at Brennen, a curious look in his eyes.

Brennen shook his head, "Nah, dude."

Colby let go of Brennen for a few seconds, reaching over to the couch where his packet of cigarettes was lying.

He pulled out the same spliff from before along with a lighter. He put the joint to his lips and sparked the end, then, he put the burning end in his mouth, between his teeth.

Brennen looked at him, confused and honestly a little worried.

Colby took the joint out out his mouth for a second, looking at Brennen.

"Relax bro, trust me!" Colby mumbled as he walked closer to Brennen.

Colby put both of his hands on either side of Brennens face, bringing them close, close together. Brennen complied and let himself get led by Colby. Colby held the joint in front of Brennen.

"Put it in your mouth." Colby instructed, making Brennen flinch.

Brennen opened his mouth and held the joint between his lips. Colby put his own lips around the opposite end of the joint, the burning end. As Colby blew, Brennen breathed in.

Letting go of the joint, Colby took it from his mouth with his fingers, pulling it from Brennens lips and said, "Now, blow the smoke in my mouth."

Brennen held his breath, smoke in his lungs. His eyes were huge. Colby closed the remaining distance between them, where the spliff had been, and hovered over Brennens mouth. Head tilted to the side, lips slightly open, waiting for Brennen to exhale the smoke.

This was officially the closest they'd ever been.

Brennen exhaled, because he honestly couldn't hold his breath any longer, and as he did Colby softly inhaled the smoke as it left Brennens lips.

Stepping back just slightly, blowing the smoke out towards the ceiling, Colby looked at Brennen with a smug look on his face. "See," he said, "fun." Smiling like the fucking cheshire cat.

Brennen was kind of shocked. His heart was racing and he wasn't even sure why. That was kind of a crazy thing to do, even for them.

He felt like he was outside of his body. He looked at Colby, his mouth slightly open. He had that compelling feeling again, that low murmur in the deep pit of his stomach.

Suddenly, he grabbed Colby by the wrist, pulling him towards himself fast, crashing his lips against Colbys. He closed his eyes, his body on fire, his brain like cotton. His arms felt heavy, like led, as he lifted his hands to touch Colbys face. To touch his neck, the back of his head, weaving his fingers into his hair.

He opened his mouth, as Colby let out a breathy moan, neck getting limp in Brennens hands. He took the opportunity to push his tongue into Colbys mouth.

He'd never felt this electric, he'd never known he could even feel like this. Every single hair on his body stood up as he felt Colbys tongue push against his own. He pulled Colbys body closer, making them touch from mouth to groin. This was everything, it felt like something had been unlocked inside of him. All he could think about was wanting more of this.

That was, until, he felt Colbys hands push roughly against his chest, causing him to tumble back a little. Colby looked at Brennen in shock, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Dude, what the fuck?" Colby exclaimed. Confusion written all over his face, he didn't know whether to get angry or laugh. He didn't know whether to cry, or feel happy. He couldn't read the look on Brennens face.

Brennen just let out a few chuckles, patting Colby on the shoulder saying, "It's fine dude, it's fine". But Colby was speechless, touching his lips with his fingers.

"It's really not," Colby gasped, "I can't believe you did that."

"It's not a big deal," Brennen said, grabbing the joint from Colbys hand, "I promise.".

Brennen had a light hearted look on his face, smiling as he took a drag of the joint. He was trying his best to look blasé but inside he was boiling. What the fuck just happened? He ran the scene in his head over and over again, promising himself to never mix pills with alcohol ever again.

'Just play it cool', he thought, 'don't make this a big deal, be cool or you will literally lose your best fucking friend'.

With his eyes glued to the ground, Brennen tried to walk past Colby but Colby wouldn't have it, grabbing on to Brennens wrist as he tried to pass. Brennen stopped dead in his tracks, holding his breath.

"Don't just walk away bro', that is so fucking weak." Colby said in a low voice. Tugging on Brennens wrist, forcing him to face him. Brennen felt annoyed now, what did Colby want from him?

Facing Colby, feeling helpless but with a dead serious look on his face Brennen answered.

"Dude, it's just the pills, and the weed and the alcohol- I wasn't even thinking. I've never even... It's literally NOT a big deal."

And Brennen meant it when he said it, because it wasn't like he had been walking around with a secret girly crush on Colby or anything, he'd always been straight and Colby knew that. This thought of kissing Colby had literally just come into his head like lightning from a clear sky.

Colby looked almost forlorn, but felt the conviction in Brennens voice.

Colby looked Brennen in the eyes and said, "Okay, bro. I hear you, it's no big deal."

Colby relaxed his shoulders and opened up his arms to give Brennen a hug. Brennen smiled slightly and hugged Colby.

Brennens mind was still racing. 'Did I really just get away with that?', he thought. Colby is literally the best person Brennen had ever known, he would walk through fire for Colby, his friendship meant that much to him.

Standing there, hugging, Colby poked Brennen between the ribs causing him to chuckle. They both started laughing softly.

"You're my best friend Brennen, I don't want to lose you dude." Colby said into Brennens shoulder.

Brennen smiled, resting his face against the side of Colbys head his mouth against the soft hood of his sweatshirt, "I know, bro'."

Chapter Text

Colby could hear birds singing. He felt something warm against the side of his face. His body felt bruised all over and he had a pounding headache.

Opening his eyes slowly, he saw his livingroom, bathing in sunlight. The windows were open and the cool morning air was caressing his body while the warmth from the sun was making his skin tingle.

He was on his couch, laying on his side facing the room. Behind him he could feel something large and lumpy, almost like another person. That's when it struck him, him and Brennen had fallen asleep on the couch last night.

Lifting his head slowly, he peeked over his shoulder. Behind him were Brennens legs, his sharp knees digging into Colbys back, his head was resting near Colbys feet. Laying his head down again, Colby took another look around the room. It felt early, and he couldn't hear any noise coming from upstairs. Home alone, he thought to himself.

Rolling over softly onto his back, doing his best not to wake Brennen while pulling himself up into a half sitting position against the armrest of the couch, he could look at Brennen without craning his neck. Brennen was in the shadow of Colbys body, his skin undoubtebly cooler than Colbys.

Colby let his mind revisit the previous evening, thinking back to the moment where Brennen had kissed him. It hadn't felt scary, and the thought of it still didn't. Brennen was a part of the center of Colby, he was an illuminated place inside of himself, like a city he could visit for refuge. Nothing Brennen did could ever make Colby run away from him. Not even a drunken mistake like that.

Brennen started to squirm around on the couch, rolling over onto his back, his feet nestling in between Colby and the back of the couch. His face was relaxed, peaceful, and Colby studied him unabashedly.

Brennen was Brennen. Definitely different from anyone Colby had ever met and unlike anything Colby had ever seen. He'd always known that he loved Brennen, but he'd never connected the dots like this before. It was like his focus had shifted, he'd always seen Brennen, but never like this.

Feeling very hot and sticky due to the sun, Colby decided to wake Brennen.

"Hey, dude." Colby half-whispered. "Dude wake up."

Brennen groaned deep in his throat, making Colbys mouth feel dry, he licked his lips.

Colby poked Brennens thigh, causing Brennens eyes to flutter open softly, looking straight at Colby. He didn't look confused or unhinged, he just looked like himself. The revelation soothed Colby. Things might not be entierly fucked up, after all.

"Hey, g'morning." Brennen eventually croaked, eyes resting on Colbys face.

"Morning". Colby replied.

"I feel like shit." Brennen said as he started to sit up, opposite of Colby.

Colby chuckled, "Yeah I feel you man, at least you haven't been sleeping in the sun, I feel like a baked potato". Brennen snorted softly, acknowledging that Colby was trying to make jokes, and appreciating it.

Colby grabbed the hem of his shirt, pulling it up over his head, shivering as the cool air hit his skin.

Brennen looked at Colby silently. Eventually rubbing his palms over his face. "Yeah well, I'm pretty sure your heat has been rubbing off on me because I feel baked as well." Brennen said, standing up next to the couch stretching his arms far up above his head.

Colby snickered and followed suit.

He heard a low gurgling murmur from the pit of his stomach. "I need some food," he said, taking a few steps backwards towards the kitchen "you want anything?" he asked Brennen.

"Yeah, grab me a bottle of water dude, I'm going out back." Brennen replied, slowly stumbling towards the patio doors leading to the backyard.

"Coming up, my dude" Colby sighed, making his way towards the kitchen.

Colby caught up with Brennen outside standing by the pool, water bottle in one hand and a grapefruit in the other.

"You're not thirsty?" Brennen asked grabbing the bottle as Colby offered it to him.

"Nah, I downed a glass of water in the kitchen." Colby replied, walking towards the edge of the pool. He put down his grapefruit close by the edge. He popped open his jeans and pulled them off swiftly, throwing them towards a nearby loungechair. Crouching down by the edge of the pool, he started submergining his feet one by one.

He let out a small hissing sound as his shins were sliding slowly intothe cold water, letting out a pleased moan when the water reached his knees, sitting down on the ground.

Brennen was standing behind Colby, drinking his water and watching like a hawk.

Colby picked up the grapefruit and began to peel it, the juice drippin all over his fingers and things. Colby tried to catch the worst of it by quickly putting the fruit to his lips sucking up the excess, but to no avail.

Brennen tore his eyes away and made a decision to stop watching Colby now. Throwing the empty bottle into the house through the open door, he started taking his clothes off as well. It was the middle of summer, hotter than hell and nothing cured a bad hangover like a dip in the pool.

"Where do you think the rest of the guys are?" Brennen asked casually as he undressed behind Colby.

"I don't know man, probably crashed out on someones couch, you know. Or maybe they hooked up, I don't know." Colby spoke absentmindedly, now focused on his breakfast, ripping the fruit into slithers, putting a few in his mouth at the time.

Brennen nodded, mostly to himself. He walked up next to Colby, startling him a little as he slid effortlessly into the pool. Colby studied him while chewing. Kicking his feet to splash water at Brennen.

Brennen dodged and took a few backstrokes, letting the water soak his hair.

"That looks so fucking amazing." Colby said dazedly, staring at Brennen.

Brennen looked up, smiling at Colby. "It feels like a fucking dream my dude, you should get in." Colby smiled at that, popping the last bit of the grapefruit in his mouth before lowering the rest of his body into the pool.

The water was cold but forgiving, Colby submerged himself entierly, closing his eyes as he went under. He opened them while submerged, seeing Brennen a few feet in front of him. Wearing nothing but his boxers, floating uprght in the pool, facing Colby.

Coming up for air Colby let out a pleased sigh.

"Sweet, huh?" Brennen asked, smiling like the devil.

"Fuck yes." Colby replied.

They both just floated on their backs for a while, letting the water cool them as the sun warmed their stomachs.

Colby figured they just weren't going to talk about the kiss, Brennen hadn't mentioned it and since Brennen was the one who started the whole thing Colby sure wasn't going to bring it up. Maybe Brennen was embarassed, or felt bad. Colby kind of wanted to tell him that he overreacted last night, that it really wasn't a big deal. That the kiss had just caught him by surprise, more than anything. That Colby hadn't found it gross or bad at all. Not that he was gay for Brennen or anything like that, he just really didn't want Brennen to feel bad.

"Hey, about last night," Brennen said suddenly. Colbys veins froze and he felt a stab of fear in the pit of his stomach as he turned in the water, now bobbing upright like a float.

"I just... I just wanted to say sorry." Brennen said,

"I was really drunk and, you know I'd never...." Brennen trailed of, glancing at Colby from across the pool. He was at a loss for words, Colby could tell.

"It's okay." Colby replied. "Honestly. It's okay if you don't wanna talk about it, and it's okay if you do. Either way, I'm fine. You don't need to feel bad."

Brennen wasn't sure how to enterpret that. He gave Colby a questioning look, not sure what he meant.

Colby glanced at Brennen, he looked confused and a little freaked out. Sighing, Colby swam across the pool, stopping at the edge next to where Brennen was and rested his arms and forehead against the lip. Speaking to the water, he continued.

"I mean you didn't really do anything wrong. It's not like you killed someone. You don't need to explain or anything." Colby turned his head to face Brennen, head still resting on the ledge of the pool.

Brennen was standing right next to him, eyes closed and nodding silently. "Thanks." He whispered, seemingly to himself.

Colby smiled, relieved to see Brennen feeling better, Colby figured he'd been beating himself up about the thing.

"Thank fuck you're such a good kid." Brennen said, patting Colby on the back. Colby smiled and shrugged.

"I mean I felt like I molested you or something. I felt like such a dickhead." Brennen scratched himself on the back of his head, chuckling to himself to ease the tension.

Colby grinned, "I'm not a kid dude!"

Brennen laughed and pushed Colby playfully on the shoulder, "Sure you are, you're like a little kid compared to me. I'm a real man.".

Colby gasped, pretending to be shocked and pushed Brennen back, "Well yeah, I guess when compared to you, daddy! You're old." Colby retorted.

Brennen stared at Colby, licking his lips and swallowing hard, his chuckling dying down. Colby blushed a little, realizing his poor choice of words. Seeing Brennens reaction made something warm twist in the pit of Colbys stomach.

Extending his hand as a way to break the silence;

"Bros?" Colby asked. A hopeful smile on his lips.

Brennen smiled, a true smile, feeling safe again and out of harms way. Colby wasn't going to leave him high and dry, Colby wasn't going to hold this against him for the rest of his life.

"Bros." Brennen replied, taking Colbys hand in his own and shaking it softly.

Chapter Text

It was dark out and Colbys feet felt swollen and sore. Brennen and him had been walking around LA for about 4 hours now. They'd started out scouting locations to film, but eventually just trailed off, walking and talking. They'd found a few promising sites, a haunted rollercoaster and an abandoned night club, but nothing too special.

Brennen walked aimlessly, sort of wobbly on his feet and talking about everything under the sun. Colby followed him effortlessly, listening with one ear while smiling to himself as Brennen kept delivering punchline after punchline. Colbys head filled with images of Brennen picking up chicks, driving his new rental car, eating dinner with his sister and kissing girls in the bathroom of his apartment. This was Colbys favorite pasttime. He could listen to Brennen tell stories for days. Brennens mouth an endless litany.

Letting their feet steer them, they ended up back at Colbys.


Brennen sat on Colbys bed, fiddeling with the remote for Colbys colored lights lining the ceiling. The lights went from blue to purple, then from purple to red. Brennen paused it on the red color, whispering 'red-rum' quietly under his breath. Colby came in through the door with a huge jug of water and a couple of glasses in his hands.

"Hey, are you hungry?" Colby asked absentmindedly as he set the jug down on his bedside table.

"Nah man, I'm good" Brennen replied, putting the small remotecontrol down next to Colbys nightlight.

Colby plopped down on the bed with a heavy thud, close to the headboard, putting his feet up to rest in Brennens lap. Propping himself up on the headboard Colby asked his Alexa to play his 'chill' playlist.

Brennen leaned back on his forearms, casting a sideways glance at Colby. Colby was looking through his phone, smiling from time to time. Colbys hair had gotten kind of long, so it kept falling in his eyes. They had no plans for the night and it was already kind of late.

Brennen grabbed Colbys feet, laying them softly down on the bed as he stood up. Ripping his shirt off over his head he started rummaging though Colbys dresser. He fished out a pair of pyjama pants, slung them on the bed and took of his jeans, folding them on top of the dresser. He put on Colbys pyjamas and got back on the bed.

Putting his phone down, stretching his arms way above his head, Colby pulled out a packet of cigarettes from his nightstand and lit one. Brennen sat crosslegged opposite of him.

"I fucking hate that you smoke, man." Brennen said with a sigh.

Colby just smiled at Brennen, taking a deep drag and blowing the smoke out in Brennens face.

"Why dude?" Colby said tiredly, rubbing a little bit of sleep out of his eyes.

Brennen snorted, snatching the cigarette from Colby and taking a drag himself before leaning next to Colby, putting it out in the glass ashtray. "Because, it's addictive. And deadly." He said, exhaling softly as he sat back down. Colby grunted and shook his head slowly. "Among other things.." Colby murmured, lowering himself down on the bed to a laying position. His bent legs now touching Brennens crossed ones.

For the lack of room, Brennen scooted to the side of Colby and layed down aswell. His body ached and he felt like he'd been beat up. He realised he was dead tired.

Listening to the mellow music, staring up at the ceiling, Brennen could hear Colbys breathing clearly like this. If he closed his eyes he could almost imagine the feel of the small puffs against his cheek. He imagined what Colbys heart looked like inside of his body, his lungs contracting and expanding. His tounge moving inside of his mouth. Eyelids opening and closing.

"Do you ever, like, think about what comes after death?" Colbys voice was low and raspy, just audible over the soft music, breaking the comfortable silence between them. Colby had a relaxed look on his face.

Brennen turned his head to look at Colby. "Nah, not really." He said shortly. He heard Colby sigh, saw his chest get big and inflate, only to collapse like a balloon. "Why?" Brennen asked.

Colby shrugged softly, looking over at Brennen through hooded eyes. "I don't know, sometimes I dream that I'm dead and then I wonder, like, maybe death is just like a dream. Maybe it's like sleep." Colby said in a hushed voice.

Brennen met Colbys eyes but didn't really understand what Colby was talking about. Now he could actually feel Colbys breath against his face. It felt hot and cold at the same time. Like lit cigarettes and blue slurpee. Brennens heart felt like it swelled in his chest.

"I don't think so." Brennen heard himself say, "I think it's like the tye of sleep where you don't remember your dreams at all. I think this, what we see and feel right now, is the only thing there is. There's nothing before, or after." Brennen didn't really know where that came from.

Colby had a way of always forcing the truth out of Brennen. Colby was the only person in his life who would even be interested to hear what he thought about death. Brennen never even visited that part of his brain when he wasn't with Colby. That's part of the reason he loved being near Colby, it's like his presence activated parts of Brennen he didn't even know existed within him.

Colby looked at Brennens mouth, then at his nose, his face looking a little forlorn.

"Why are you even talking about this?" Brennen asked, rolling over on his side absentmindedly, letting his body guide him without question.

Colby rolled over as well, propping his face up on his hand, looking down the length of Brennens body. His eyes were hooded, eyelashes long and dark, casting shadows against his bright skin. He looked like a fucking dream.

"I don't know man.. I've just had weird dreams lately." Colby said quietly.

Colbys free hand lifted off of the bed, catching the lace of Brennens pants between his fingers, fiddeling with it for a few seconds before dropping it again. "Those are my favorite pants." Colby breathed.

Brennens mouth felt dry as bone. "Oh, sorry." He said slowly, thinking Colby probably wanted his pants back.

Colbys breath caught in his throat. His voice was raspy when he said: "No. I like them on you."

Colbys eyes shifted from Brennens waistband to his eyes and Brennens stomach bottomed out instantly. Colbys breath was shaky, his chest vibrating with something close to anticipation. Brennen didn't breathe, holding Colbys gaze.

"I wanna try something." Colby said suddenly.

Brennen just blinked as Colby rolled over on the bed, picking something up from the sidetable and quick as lightning, the room was pitch black.

Brennens eyes tried to adjust to the darkness, but Colbys room was blacked out. These was no adjusting. He felt the bed shift as Colby laid back down.

"The fuck?" Brennen whispered softly, mostly to himself. Then he felt Colbys hand on his hip and his blood turned to ice in his veins. He stopped breathing. Stopped moving. Stopped thinking. Colby was suddenly so close. "Is this okay?" He heard Colby whisper against his mouth. Or maybe he just felt it. Brennan felt himself nod, as if possessed. Colbys hand felt like fire on his hip, his thumb on the bare skin of his stomach. Searing. Brennen swallowed, closing his eyes despite of the dark, body feeling heavy like led.

Like a breeze by the sea, Colbys mouth was on his. Softer than cotton, sweeter than candy. He felt Colbys eyelashes against his cheek, fluttering. His nose next to his own, smooth like satin and what the fuck was happening? Colbys mouth moved and Brennen responded without thought, because just as easy as Colby could turn it on, Colby could also shut his brain right the fuck off.

Brennen opened his mouth and Colby slid his tounge inside, softly licking the inside of Brennens mouth. Brennen let out a deep breath, mouth open against Colbys and Colby shuddered as he felt it. Breathing it in as an invitation, Colby moved his hand up Brennens chest, resting it against Brennens throat. This was the hottest thing Brennen had ever felt. Colby was like muddy water, swallowing him whole and Brennen could literally feel himself sinking. He fell into Colby like a lake and put his hand against the side of Colbys face. He felt Colbys jaw open and Brennen slid his thumb into colbys mouth, propping it open.

"Fuck" Brennen let out under a breath and Colby moaned as he heard it, softly licking at Brennens thumb. Brennens hips rocked forward without warning, crashing into Colby causing him to moan deep in his throat again, pulling Brennen into him. "Fuck" Brennen repeated, amazed at how easily he could make Colby moan. But Colby just kept grinding into him, deeper and deeper. Hips rocking and crashing,

Colby could feel Brennens dick through his thin pyjama pants. Moving his mouth to Brennens neck he focused in on the feeling of Brennens hard cock, sliding against his own.

Brennen realised he'd never been this hard in his life. He felt like he couldn't breathe, he felt like he was leaving the universe, like he was dying. He felt like he wanted to die.

"Just like this" Colby panted against Brennens neck, causing the hair on the back of Brennens head to stick straight up, because hearing Colbys voice in the dark sobered him and reminded him who he was truly pushing up against.

"Every dream, just like this." Colby moaned softly, as he palmed Brennens stomach, sliding his fingers against the top of Brennens waistband and with that Brennens mind unraveled like an avalanche.

Chapter Text

Colbys bedspread was white, like, stark white.

When he woke up that was all Brennen could see for a while; white. As his eyes adjusted to the light, so did his other senses; there was heat radiating, the air felt muggy and heavy. Rolling over to his right, his elbow bumped into someone, instinctively lifting his head just enough to sneak a peek, he saw a mop of dark hair peeking out from under the covers. Brennen let his head drop back down on the pillow, a heavy sigh simultaneously exiting his body. He closed his eyes and threw his arm across his face. He stayed like this for a while, letting the reality of the situation set in for a bit.

Colby was close, as in real close. Removing the arm slung across his eyes, Brennen lifted the covers just enough to see Colbys face. Colby was still asleep, his fringe plastered to his forehead, cheeks flushed from the heat under the covers. It was hot as fuck under there so his eyelids were wet, his face smooth like a peach. Brennen softly crawled inside, raising his hand straight up under the covers, creating a tent-like structure around himself and Colby.

Colbys sleepy breaths were short and huffy, clearly audible in the still of the morning. The light from the window poured on to the covers from above, illuminating the both of them despite being completely covered from head to toe.

Brennen took the opportunity to look as he recalled the events from the night before.

Last night Brennen had sucked Colby off, right after he had sucked Brennen off. Colbys wet mouth slick against his stomach, soft strands of hair tickling his sides as Colby inched his way down low, Brennen had buried his hand in that hair, tugging on it slightly before feeling parted lips ghost over his dick. The thought of the memory made Brennens breath catch and snag in his throat and he quickly but silently threw a hand over his mouth.

Last night he hadn’t seen Colby do it, he’d only felt it in the dark of Colbys blacked out room. Looking at Colby now gave a whole new dimension to the memory, the stored sensation. When he closed his eyes, he could still feel Colbys lips wrapped around him, still feel Colbys tongue seared to the underside of his dick, softly stroking him with his mouth as his nose brushed against his stomach in a rhythm that felt nothing short of biblical. Looking at that same mouth now felt strange, homey and familiar. He wasn’t used to seeing Colby in this kind of light.

Sucking Colby off had been frighteningly simple, like falling asleep after a hard day or hugging your mom on christmas day. It felt like a given, a tradition. Brennen would do it again in a heartbeat. Wanted to, even.

The thought felt sinful, even imagining Colby like that felt like a trespassing. They were friends. The thought made Brennen swallow, something felt lodged in his throat. He’d never seen lips like that before. How had he never seen a mouth like that before?

Brennen had never been through something like this, never been this absolutely poleaxed and ambivalent. Never gotten in to this deep of a shit before. Never given a shit before.

Colby was on his stomach in the sheets, his face turned towards Brennen. His back rising and falling in a steady motion as Brennen watched him. His body unbelievably pale, his skin like a gift, his scapula a beckoning. Brennen couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand to look at him. He decided to get up instead.

Rushing to get dressed Brennen had slipped on Colbys tank on accident. Outside on the porch, Brennen picked up one of Colbys longboards. His favourite one, actually, the purple one with the green ouroborus underneath it. Brennen knocked it over and jumped straight on.

Without a particular designation, he headed down santa monica. He needed some time to think.


Colby had gotten up, downed an entire bottle of water and gotten dressed. When he’d woken up that morning, he’d been in a sweaty mess of sheets. He’d been naked, but alone. His only companion a small note, a page from his own notebook, ripped out with the words “Cya later” scribbled across.

Waking up alone had hurt, like, ouch. But at the same time he’d expected nothing less, Brennen was more complex than people gave him credit for, it wouldn’t be his style to just roll with these punches. Colby on the other hand felt assured and certain. He finally knew where he was and where he wanted to go. He wanted to be himself, to just be himself with Brennen. He didn’t want to be his boyfriend, didn’t want to put a leash around his neck. He wanted to be his equal, to be free together.

As he put on his jeans, he saw Brennens hoodie slouched over his editing chair. He considered it, turned it over in his mind. He picked the shirt up, held it to his face and inhaled deeply. It didn’t really smell like Brennen anymore, mostly just rain and LA air. He put it on anyways.

Making his way to the kitchen the roommates were already scurrying around making breakfast. Colby took a lap, collecting a few things, fetched himself a bowl and spoon and plopped down next to Sam on one of the barstools. He reached over to where they kept the cereal on the island and poured himself some Lucky Charms. The milk sloshed around in the bowl as he poured it. As he grabbed a spoonful he looked around the room to see people frozen in their acts, they were staring at him. Colby turned to Sam who seemed equally puzzled.

“What?” Colby spat out, starting to feel semi freaked out. Sam raised his eyebrows and rolled his eyes so hard they might have fallen out had he not tipped his face towards the ceiling.

“Dude, seriously?” Sam said, looking at Colby with a dumbfounded expression. Colby shrugged and repeated his ‘What’ from before.

Corey took over as Sam seemed to be having some sort of technical difficulty.

“Dude, we all heard you last night? What the fuck was going on in your room?” Corey looked inquisitive but at the same time his posture gave off some aura of smugness that Colby couldn’t shake. Colby took a spoonful of his cereal and started chewing.

“Dude? Are you seriously leaving everyone hanging right now? You haven’t hooked up with anyone in months and from out of nowhere there’s this random fuckfest going on in your room on a tuesday night?” Corey said.

Colby sort of half coughed and half choked on his mouthful at the word ‘fuckfest’. He swallowed. “How the fuck is this any of your guys’ business? Why do you care where my dick goes anyways?” Colby said nonchalantly.

“Uh, since you’re waking everybody up with your fucking grunting at all hours of the night? Seriously, Kat was freaking traumatized man.” Sam said as he grabbed the milk and poured himself another bowl enthusiastically.

“Hey, come on that’s a bit of an exaggeration!” Kat bit back, she looked ready to straight up slap Sam. Looking over at Colby she continued.

“Colbs, we’re just curious about who you’re banging?”

Colby looked over at Kat who was fixing herself a glass of orange juice from the fridge. Her approach felt friendly and sincere, in stark contrast to Sams genuine discomfort.

“Hey, your shirt…” Corey trailed off. He looked purplexed.

“What about it?” Colby replied, already knowing the source of the inquisition.

Corey shook his head and looked away towards the window, with his mouth slightly open he glanced back at Colby “Nothing man, I just.. It’s new?”

Colby exhaled deeply, pushing his empty cereal bowl away form his. Whatever, he thought to himself.

“Yeah, it’s Brennens. I’m wearing it.”

The room fell quiet, everyone locked in thought, like they’d been handed an impossible puzzle with the expectation to solve it or else.

Colby sighed heavily, mouth laxed as he looked up at the ceiling. Somehow it felt easier to confess to the plaster rather than his friends.

“I’m wearing it ‘cause lately we’ve been kind of fucking around." Pause. "We’re… fucking around.” Colby said. His words coming out scrambled and weird.

Complete silence. Kat was the first to speak.

“Oh.” She said, mouth in an almost comical zero, eyebrows raised. This clearly wasn’t the answer she’d expected. Her head tilted, with her mouth opening and closing she looked like a lost goldfish before letting out a short “Huh.”

Corey on the other hand, was less humble in his approach.

“You’re gay?” He said, probably a little louder than he’d anticipated. His face was scrunched up, like he’d just bitten in to an old piece of fruit.

“Ew, no, the fuck?” Colby exclaimed, shaking his head and getting up to put his dish in the sink. "You don't get it, I knew you wouldn't get it." He made his way to exit the kitchen only to be interrupted by the whole crew all at once;


But Colby was already out of the door.

Chapter Text

I just came on here to say that this story is on hiatus. I'm having a lot of personal conflict on wheter or not it's right to write fiction about actual people. For the time being, I won't be shipping actual people. I'll stick to fictitious characters. Maybe some new fandoms will appear and I'll write again, so keep your eyes open.

Thanks you to everyone who have read my work and thanks for the engagement, it was not expected but very appreciated.