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Escaping myself

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"oh shit man, alternian slam poets did know how to spit some sick fires. i'm gonna need some medicine for all these bad ass burns. not that i wouldn't look hella sick with some of these epic rap battle wounds but damn.", I took that as a cue to run from the group who for some pan-dead reason decided that Alpha Beta dream bubble bonding needed to happen over the shit storm that is Kanaya attempting to teach Dave the "finer points" of the Alternian art.

There's so many of us in a confined space that there's barely any room to fucking move without practically slamming into a ranting troll. I said this was a bad idea but no one fucking listens. I'll never know how my grubfuck of an ancestor keeps teleporting over to anyone who says anything rude, let alone finds the energy to do it. Just as I'm almost out of the door I feel a hand on my shoulder. Fuuucckk. I turn to see that it's attached to Nepeta, a doomed timeline Nepeta but Nepeta nonetheless. It's so easy to get them confused that sometimes I get upset because I'm talking to my dead Friend ... but at the same time not talking to my dead friend.

":33 Hey Karkitty what are you up to! *ac asks while tilting her head questioningly*",

OK it's not that I don't like Nepeta to be honest she's better then a lot of the nook stains in this idiotic cluster fuck of a situation but, i really don't want this delay. Nepeta was never a bad friend. i've honestly thought about trying for a red-rom with her before but, I think Equius is a good match for her in the pale department and i don't think i could keep her happy in red. She's so bright, happy and nice; I'm just not good enough for that. i don't really want to talk with a dead time line Nepeta. i mean, i know it doesn't matter but i'd rather talk to the one from the alpha timeline. OK so enough talking about that. Sorry got sidetracked there i know you're reading my thoughts on this or whatever so i'll try to speed this up. Just be glad I'm not Kankri.


Nepeta smiles for a second as she looks around and looks like she's going to comment about the fun she's having or some equally stupid shit but then her eyes fall on Terezi and Gamzee. i'm shocked when her blank eyes go hard and narrow with blood-lust. I'm no Nepeta expert but I know that's not normal. I get the urge to find one of the dead Equius to shoosh pap her.

After what seems like an unbearable amount of time she tears her eyes away and looks back at me with a sad look. Oh. Hell. No. Just no. i get it. OK Gamzee broke up with me and Terezi and i weren't meant to be. i get that now. It hurts but i get it. i don't really have that many strong connections with people and i never had because of my blood and the constant threat of being culled for it. All my best friends are dead. Everyone else is either the cause of my problems or is in a relationship i shouldn't bother them right now. i have no one to talk to and it's getting bad.

i understand Nepeta is angry for my sake but i don't want this. I'll be OK ... i think. i mean i. OK i really do need someone to talk to but i'll outlast it on my own like i always have. Nepeta must see what i'm thinking by my expression because a look of understanding then dread crosses her face. No i don't want to do this now, not with a random dead timeline version of my recently dead friend, in a room full of trolls and humans who i barely know apparently.

She opens her mouth to ask and i pray to whatever twisted beings that rank higher than me or whatever to spare me. Then like the blessed four wheel car thing the humans use in an almighty crash. i hear it, the one excuse i can use to abscond like the coward i am. i hear Dave's next shitty rap screech into my ears like the screaming of a million wigglers being culled by all the fucking horror terrors in the vale as slowly as possible while Kankri lectures and scrapes his claws down a human school chalkboard. Quickly before she can utter a syllable i say


Then i race to the door faster than Kankri can teleport and finally i'm free. i look back to see if i'm being followed. i'm not. Nepeta got caught in the curse of Kankri somehow (funny I've never liked him before this.) and no one else noticed my light speed abscond. i move out the door and sigh in relief. Oh hell yes this is good. It'll be a while before we get out of this dream bubble now all i have to do is avoid Nepeta and i'll be fine. Heh like that's ever that easy for me.

i slowly walk around for a bit. My stupid think pan wanders and i end up in the memory of Gamzee's and my break up. No this is not what i want. Oh gog how stupid can my past self be to be thinking about this here. Gamzee's words beat me down way harder than his clubs ever had or even could and i fall to the ground as he calls me useless and tells me that i'll never be good enough and so many things that i already know are true. i hold my tears back for as long as i can because i refuse to let him ever see me cry again even if this isn't the real him. i concentrate on the first memory i can think of one that has no one i know in it. My neighborhood. Suddenly i'm on worm grass just after the sun went down and i can't hold it in anymore and start to cry. Maybe i should be my own kismesis if i keep torturing myself like this. It takes a while before i calm down. i try not to think of anything but my neighborhood and keep it together.

i never want to go back to that again. Fuck that. My blood pusher feels like it's trying to rip itself out of my chest column with the way it hurts. i'm sick of this whole walk before i start but i take a walk through the place anyway. i kind of wander what i'm trying to escape when this place is a reflection of part of my mind. i'm sure Rose would have a fucking mental breakdown of happiness if i ever told her about all this. Well that and if she would stop ingesting that human soporific liquid long enough to listen. She's much easier to get along with when she's on it however which makes me a little less reluctant to speak to her outside of an acquaintance format. I'm so pathetic. i wish I knew where i went wrong with Gamzee. i know what we had wasn't the healthiest of relationships but even with the fact that he was never really there for me and the thing with Terezi and even with the things he said i still miss him. Even before we made it official we were closer as moirails then we were after.

i miss the way we used to be. i wish i had been of at least some use. Maybe if i had been there for him he wouldn't have gone on rampage like he did. i could have prevented so much pain and death if i would have just paid more attention to everyone. i hate myself, past, present, and future me are all idiots and horrible excuses for a life form.

What in the bulge-licking fuck is that? Without really thinking i run toward the sound. About halfway there i realize how fucking stupid that is. The only people here are dead or in a dream i was worried for nothing. It's not like we could die again in here. Well unless English decides to get off his fat ass and stop fondling with his bulge or whatever and finish us off. i am curious though so might as well take a look, maybe it will get my mind off this.

I walk over the bridge and see someone on the ground. Well if he's not passed out then the stupid ass is sniffing the dirt or some shit. Honestly it wouldn't surprise me with some of these nook-sniffers. He's not moving so I'm going to assume he's out like a light. What you think I can't use human phrases? You're fucking wrong. Anyway I don't think I've seen this one before but based on all the bright fucking yellow I'm going to bet it's Sollux's ancestor.

Come to think of it this one is the only one I haven't met. I've heard about him though. Apparently he was a lot like Sollux before something happened that forced his think pan to do an awesome impression of a scrambled squawk beast egg. No one seems to know what happened to him. They think his ex / kinda, maybe still moirail knows but the dude sewed his mouth shut and doesn't want to talk about it. I don't think those two things are connected but you never know. No one really seems to like this one much now or try to understand him and his matesprit doesn't really talk about him. (Which is kind of a, as Strider would say, 'dick move') He's probably the most pitiful sob story in this gog damn game.

I know better than to try to wake a sleeping troll even if it's just to check up on him and sate my curiosity. Instead of doing something stupid I wait for him to wake up. I don't have to wait long before he stirs and sits up. The visor on his helmet is like Sollux's glasses. That's gotta be some weird color trait right? i feel kinda bad for him already with how the others talk about him. I'm going to try not to be such an asshat, "HEY GET UP BULGE SUCKER YOU OK?" not the best but it had a little less annoyance and anger then my voice normally holds.

"WH47H 7HH3 FUCK. FUCK Y0U, Y0U BULG3 L1K3R!!??!!! M07HH3R FUCK3R 1'LL FUCKING CULL YOU!!!!", Ha OK that was kinda funny. I think I like this one. "JUST TRYING TO SEE IF YOUR OK NOOK STAIN NO NEED TO DO A FLIP OFF THE HANDLE.", he looks down at his lap where he's sitting and I crouch to eye level with him. I'm not really even angry at him or anything, weird for me I know. He just looks like he's ashamed with himself for something, "ii'm 50rry", He's almost like a really ramped up version of Sollux because fuck if that flip wasn't fast and extreme. I don't know why I find this so amusing but I do. "I'M KARKAT. WHO ARE YOU?" I have my normal tone back and gog does he look snarky again as soon as I say that, "II'M Mii7HUNA Y0U H0RN F0ND13R G0 5UCK 4 BU1G3." aannnnnnd he's back. No really how do the others not like this little shit again? And what's with the Captor family having names they can't pronounce?

I vaguely wonder if I knock his teeth out he would be able to say his name like Sollux could. Not that I could or, would even if it did work. Knocking out Sollux's teeth was an accident. Everyone knows bad things happen on stairs. I look him over again. He seems OK. He obviously injured himself on that for wheeled board contraption a lot. It's like the one Terezi's ancestor uses. At least he's wearing a helmet if this happens as often as it seems. He sends me a, "WH4T TH3 FUCK AR3 Y0U L0OKIN6 4T STH0P CH3K1NG M3 0UT." reaction picture he drew himself. "I'M NOT CHECKING YOU OUT FUCKWAD I WAS MAKING SURE YOU WEREN'T BLEEDING AND STAINING THE NICE MEMORY GRASS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS SHIT IS.", I don't have to wait for a reaction "5UCK 1TH UP Y0UR 533DFL4P 4ND 5M00K 1T Y0U 455 MUNCH3R.", for the first time ever I'm tempted to send a reaction pic ... ever. I take time to draw one as Mituna looks on questioningly. First I draw with my left hand then right trying to make it better. As Mituna waits I swear I hear a slight buzzing noise from him.

When I'm satisfied I hand him my simple, "THIS", reaction pic with a small drawing of me like I'm pointing towards his words. His jaw drops for a moment before he looks up at me. "WH4TH THH3 FUCK???!!!???!", then like he just remembered something he starts going through his pockets frantically. I stand awkwardly as he tries to find whatever it is. Eventually after lots of failed attempts and, him actually falling over once and, rolling around while still trying to find whatever it is while making little struggle noises like he's in a strife with his own damn pockets, and me trying not to laugh, he finds it and holds it up with a proud look on his face. It's a fucking, "Y0U 4C7U4LLY D353RV3 7HHI5", big ass gold star sticker. He actually wrote the words on. No really how do they not like him he's entertaining as fuck I'm almost at a loss for words. It's not that its relay astounding but come on who does that? Answer: Mituna fucking Captor that's who.

I draw him a little pic of me bowing with the caption, "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, YOU UNBELIEVABLY IDIOTIC WASTES OF LIFE FORCE. I HOPE YOU ALL GET CRUSHED BY A METEOR ... OH WAIT TOO SOON?", and hand it over. He laughs and draws something quickly before handing it back. He drew a fucking meteor coming down on the crowd of random trolls I'm bowing to. I send him another copy of the, "this", pic as I laugh. It's wrong and we all miss our homes but it's still funny. We trade reaction pics and sometimes gifs or little comic strips for a while sometimes he spaces out a Little or a lot and has to erase something he did or, goes back to his depressed "1'm 50rry", moods again. Sometimes he mutters something as we draw, sometimes he's quiet. Sometimes if you look hard enough, you can see these tiny moments of clarity that weren't there before. One or two times his pictures show something disturbing and weirdly detailed like he's trying to tell me what happened to him but, after he shows them he looks at them like he's stumped by what's in his hand and goes back to normal. I feel like I'm collecting clues on what happened to him in these moments and save the pictures to try and peace it together. Maybe if I know I can help. As this happens we talk and trade insults while laughing. All in all it's kind of fun actually. I haven't laughed in so long that it almost hurts, and I actually feel myself smile a little.

It's been awhile I guess but we hadn't been interrupted yet. Like there was no noise from anyone else at all. So when I feel a hand on my shoulder I almost flip the hell out. My smile is gone now and I turn around quickly with my sickles out before I realize it's Kanaya. When I see her I calm down. Behind me I hear Mituna whisper loudly (on accident I'm sure), "817hCH N33D5 TO L3RN N07h T0 5N33K UP 0N P30PL3!!!!!!!!!", I can't help it, I laugh a little and try to hide it by covering my mouth. I have to say this one has to be my favorite ancestor. Well I mean there are only a few of them I can stand really so he doesn't have much competition other than Meenah. When I see Sollux again I'm going to have to congratulate him on his ancestor's being much more tolerable than the others.

Kanaya's eyes are wide as she looks between us. I think it's probably been the first time she's ever been called a name on that scale. She's normally the most sane and polite troll for miles. Now I feel kind of bad for laughing. Apparently Mituna feels that way 2 (I made a 2 pun. This is stupid.) Because he says his little, "1'm 50rry", at the same time I say mine. I widen my eyes a bit. Since when did I start saying sorry? I don't say that stuff often especially not for things I didn't do. Kanaya's eyes are even wider now. She looks frozen for a while. She just stands there. After a while I see Mituna walk over and poke her with a stick.... Where the hell did he get that? She snaps back to reality and says, "Sorry About That I Was Just Surprised. I Think I'm Going To Go Sit Down Now.", Was it really that shocking? She continues, "I Just Wanted To Tell You The Meeting's Over.", and then she walks away with a bit of jade on her cheeks. What was she embarrassed about?

Somewhere in the distance I hear a girl's voice I think it's Mituna's matesprit calling for him. He turns around and starts to run toward her yelling his greeting. I sigh and start to walk toward where Kanaya went. Next thing I know I'm on the ground being hugged by an older, taller, slightly heavier, yellow blooded troll. I laugh once more at how awkward this is and hug him back a little. Then he's off me waving goodbye and running off to his matesprit.

I stand up and take time to control my blush and push it down. I'm still not all that use to touch. When I'm calm I walk back to the room everyone was in. On the way there the scenery starts to ripple out of place. I'm waking up now. Just as I make it to the door I wake up completely. Next time I blink I'm in my respiteblock covered in snuggle plains on my human bed thing. It's definitely not as comfortable as my recuperacoon. Even if I did still have one I'd probably have sacrificed all my sopor to Gamzee... and just like that i'm depressed again. Dream bubbles always numb pain and bring about a weird awareness that wasn't there before the ancestors say it's healing but i doubt it.

God i wish i still had Gamzee. i wish i had anyone. i wish i wasn't so stupid. Why didn't i listen? Why didn't i do something? i lift my sleeve to stare at the scars. It's been awhile. i haven't done this since before the game. Gog i'm so weak. i quite before. As soon as the game started i stopped. i flinch when i get through the skin. It still hurts. It's fine i deserve it.

This is the least i deserve. i bandage myself up. i've gotten good at that over the sweeps. Enough of that you don't want to hear my pitiful rants and to be honest neither do i.
Maybe i should just make a rom-com pile in my room so i can be the sad piece of shit i am in a more respectable and singular place and not spraying my disgusting feelings all over the fucking doomed meteor. i get up and grab my portable husk top. Well, might as well get out and get some food.