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How to Make a Cumdumpster

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Naruto Uzumaki, the Seventh Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, seemed to have it all: a beautiful life, lovely children, the power and respect of his people, and friends whom supported him from all corners of the globe. While incredible things, Naruto couldn’t help but feel unfulfilled, largely in terms of the heart. He cared deeply for Hinata Hyuuga, his wife, and his kids, Boruto and Himawari, but his true affections had always lied elsewhere. Ever since childhood, the only girl for him was his crush, Sakura Haruno, but things didn’t go as he planned: Sakura married Sasuke, Naruto’s rival and friend, instead. While Naruto was content with his current life, he had always dreamed of going back- of doing things differently, and changing things so he had gotten his way.


“Naruto? Naruto ? Earth to the Hokage!” A voice echoed, ringing in the Hokage’s ear as he seemed to zone back in. He had just been awash with thoughts of regret, completely forgetting he was out with Shikamaru Nara, one of the Hokage’s chief advisors when it came to the leadership duties of Naruto’s. “S- Sorry, Shikamaru… I just- I got a lot on my mind right now.” The Hokage’s words inspired a borish groan in Shikamaru, knowing- deep down, his curiosity would get the best of him. Well, that and his wife, Temari, was trying to get him to be more sociable- so if a friend had an issue, she said he should be a good listener for them.

“I’ll… regrettably… ask: what’s on your mind?” Naruto, feeling a bit self-conscious, didn’t want to come out and say he’s unsatisfied with his life. That would be an insult to the people who respect, adore, and got to know the jinchuuriki. Instead, he decided to vaguely bring up the topic that surfaced in his mind as of late: “Do you ever feel regret, Shikamaru? Like… you wish you did something before an opportunity passed you by?” Of course, Shikamaru, like always, has just the thing to say. The intelligent shinobi was known for his tactical mind, and general wisdom, so he often said the most profound things.


“At times. But, we are defined by our choices, Naruto. Not our regrets.” Shikamaru’s words hit Naruto hard, the Hokage having to agree with that sentiment. His actions defined him, regardless of any failed opportunities. “I felt as you did. The Yamanaka has a hidden technique, according to Ino, that could send the mind into a younger you , letting the user change history. But, you’re only supposed to get one chance in life, my friend. There are no do-overs, once a choice has been made.” With that, there was the down-side to Shikamaru’s wisdom, as he tends to say a bit too much.


Rather than moving on, Naruto now decided to give that hidden technique a chance, to see if the rumor was true. It might be dangerous- it made be pointless- Naruto had to at least try, even if all for naught. The Hokage had carefully infiltrated the Yamanaka compound, stealthily taking out any wandering guards that protected the room with the scroll. Even if history might be changed forever, Naruto didn’t want to kill his own villagers. It took a while to locate the scroll, as the clan leaders hid it well- obviously foreseeing the possibility of people seeking to use it. Naruto guessed that they still kept it as a last resort for emergencies; if there was some sort of apocalypse or tragedy, one could use it and prevent the event from the past.


Once finding it, Naruto was forced to utilize it fast, as the comatose guards had apparently been discovered. The Hokage took a few moments to prepare chakra circulation and adapt to the new style of ninjutsu, finally closing their eyes for a minute of blackness. Then, nothing. No sound, light, or sensation. That is, until Naruto opened his eyes, a familiar voice escaping his lips as he first spoke after using that hidden technique.


“Talk about déjà vu,” Naruto said, running his hands along his face and body. He seemed quite smaller now, and less-aged; clearly, the technique did as Shikamaru explained. However, Naruto couldn’t be too sure of how far this had took him. Though, a look at the mirror seemed to answer this question for him: Naruto could see the photo of him and the rest of Team 7 as a group, looking happy- except for Sasuke. Judging by the crispness of the photo, Naruto knew it was quite recent, so they had to be close to eleven years old at the time.


Naruto could’ve spent more time looking around, taking in the old sights, but had wanted to get straight to work. This technique that brought him here was strange and unknown, so the blonde boy had no idea when he might get sent back. If at all. So, for now, Naruto went off and searched for Sakura, eventually locating her at a local park. He would approach Sakura, his hands resting behind his head, acting like his old self: “Hey, Sakura! Still waiting on Sasuke?” Naruto asked. He knew for a fact that Sakura always loved Sasuke, both in the Ninja Academy and while they were officially ninjas of the Hidden Leaf village.


“Of course! Go bother someone else, idiot!” Sakura berated him, treating him as insignificant; she had yet to realize the power he possessed. Little did Naruto know, however, but more than his mind got transferred from that jutsu. Her cold behavior reminded Naruto that normal seduction couldn’t work. He would have to trick Sakura- or maybe even use force to claim her as his own. He took some time contemplating his difficult choice, wondering which would be best.


Ultimately, the idea to trick Sakura seemed the most fun, and, even, cathartic after a childhood of her treating him like a pest. True, he was a jokester, but she could’ve taken his feelings seriously- the boy was human, after-all. So, Naruto’s choice in deception would turn out to be true to his perverse ways, the blond boy filling Sakura in on a key detail she lacked- a reason Sasuke hadn’t been interested in her.


“You know, Sasuke, the same guy who calls me a loser, told me he’s just not into you Sakura ,” Naruto informed, setting off a nerve in the pink-haired girl. Despite feeling like crying at that news, the kunoichi instead turned to anger, clocking Naruto in the face. The girl even started wailing on the future Hokage whom laid on the floor, until he finally got her, saying: “But, he also told me about his type - the perfect girl for him!” With those words, Sakura’s anger morphed into intrigue, curious as to what Naruto knew. It was like the excitement a dog gets when it’s owner mentions the word ‘walk’. Biting her lip, Sakura backed up, wanting to hear more. “Go on,” she instructed.


Naruto grinned. She took the bait, hook-line-and-sinker. Now, he had to get her to fall for a much harder lie, something only a fool in love might believe. “Sasuke prefers girls with experience,” he said. This left Sakura a bit confused, unsure of what that explanation meant. “Experience? Like what- ki- kissing?” Sakura asked. The childish answer prompted a bit of laughter, Naruto being amused by her simple-minded belief in that notion of a relationship. “Yes and no ,” he answered, meaning to tell her that kissing was part of it. It just wasn’t the top thing that Sasuke was after.


“Sasuke said he loves girls who are good kissers, but also hates virgins!” Naruto explained. What started out as a blush became a look of fury, Sakura cracking her knuckles before returning to put the beat on Naruto, punching him as she smirked. “Thought you could fool me, you blond idiot!” Sakura shouted, kicking Naruto repeatedly until she tired herself out. While a bit worse for wear, Naruto recollected himself, standing before his crush once more. “It was the truth, Sakura. He just doesn’t like girls inexperienced with sex. Something about wanting to bring his clan back to full strength.” Naruto’s explanation, though a lie, seemed about right. Sasuke had always been too focused on his clan’s massacre by his brother Itachi, so Sakura could believe such a claim from her squadmate.


“So, it’s pointless ? I’ll never get Sasuke to notice me like that ?” Sakura surmised. When all seemed lost, Sakura would be snapped out of it, receiving a slap to the face from the boy she had often abused for his stupidity. He looked Sakura straight in the eye, telling her: “Don’t talk like that! Here, I’m going to help you be the dream girl for Sasuke! By the time he sees what you became , he’ll do anything to have you!” Naruto exclaimed, reaching out for Sakura’s hand, to show they were doing this together. While skeptical of this at first, Sakura slowly accepted it- mostly because of how badly she was in love with Sasuke. Little did she know, Naruto planned to make her his over the course of her training .


“If you’re free, come meet me tonight at my apartment! We can have the first lesson !” He told her, departing while he left Sakura to her thoughts. His plan seemed to be off to a good start; assuming Sakura bought it and didn’t speak to Sasuke, the blond youth may actually pull this off. Despite this, Naruto opted to take things slow- he didn’t want to show his awful side too soon. Plus, it was fun toying with the younger Sakura, even if he missed the adult version of childhood crush. He would go to Ichiraku’s Ramen stand, and finally head back home for the evening, to a mostly empty apartment. The only other person present was a reluctant Sakura, having snuck out at night just to meet up with her new sensei .


“Naruto, I don’t like this… but I cannot afford to lose him to Ino,” Sakura answered with clear jealousy, crossing her arms. She bet Ino was a real slut, but knew a bit better than that. Ino was likely as pure as Sakura. Naruto nodded, as if understanding her precarious predicament. “Of course, of course… Tonight’s lesson will be simple enough,” he began, leading a nervous Sakura over to the blond’s bed. It was a bit messy, but still a bit neat, in its own way. He kept hold of Sakura’s hand, smiling. “I’m going to teach you how to kiss… the right way,” the young boy finished. Sakura looked rather confused.


“How are you qualified to teach me? You’ve probably never been kissed!” Sakura whined, prompting Naruto to press faces with her. He kisses her, keeping it going- letting them both feel the softness, the electricity, the heat of the other’s lips, and the passion that goes beyond a kiss. Sakura thought it was incredible- a more intense feeling than kissing her parents or siblings. Maybe it was the lips contact, or the fact that it was a non-family member? It certainly wasn’t because it was Naruto! No way. Sakura refused to accept that. Though, what she didn’t expect, was that Naruto’s lesson wasn’t over. “That’s a normal kiss, but real lovers do this !”


With those words, Naruto pulled his young crush in for a much deeper and longer kiss, one that poured in all the passion he felt for her. Rather than stopping there, the blond also slipped in tongue, exchanging tongue with Sakura as he leaned up against her. Like before, it felt very nice to Sakura, but this felt like it was on a different level entirely. The way their tongues danced, the intensity of it, and even the taste of Naruto’s saliva sent shimmering shockwaves of tense feelings washing over the pink-haired girl. She couldn’t control the way she felt, leaning into the kiss as if it was Sasuke she’d been kissing. That was something Naruto was glad for; this worked best if Sakura viewed this as practice . Only then would she be serious.


Naruto nibbles on her soft lips, giving her no break from the exciting, new sensations. While she was still young, the blond knew there was more to her excitement than just the sparks of a good kiss. He had a feeling she felt, just slightly, the attraction he felt for her: that between a man and a woman. She may not know it yet, but those feelings were there. After teaching her the different kissing techniques, Naruto had her commit to them with some practice. What’s better to practice kissing than a make-out session? So, the blonde pulled her in, hotly exchanging lip and tongue with the young girl. Naruto held Sakura closer than ever, feeling a stiffness grow inside him, being careful not to let it touch her. However, when finally coming to her senses, Sakura would push Naruto away, rushing out of the apartment to touch her lips, a deep blush escaping her face. “What did I just do ?” She mouthed, speeding off to return home, making Naruto wonder if the plan was a bust. That is, until she returned the following night.