“You need to get out more.”
Jimin says this softly, hand placing on the younger boy’s shoulder like he was hesitating on whether or not he really wants lugubrious boy to hear him. It was a delicate warning, an encouraging push even—but Taehyung still refuses it.
“I’m fine just as I am,” The latter responds, reaching out for the remote beside him. He was on episode 14 of While You Were Sleeping , and to hell with Jimin if he was going to make him stop now. “You can go out if you want, Jiminie. I’m good here.”
“Stop saying that when you know it isn’t true,” Jimin reprimands, moving onto the bed beside his best friend. The feeling of aussage washed over Taehyung as he felt the older boy’s fingers running through his hair. Jimin was all types of comfort, akin to a lullaby of sorts. “You’ve been moping around for 3 months, baby. I’m worried at this point. I know—”
“—I’m fine, Chim.” Taehyung interrupts, placing his own hand over the orange haired boy’s. He doesn’t think he could take it if Jimin even tried to finish that sentence, even if he’s aware that the former is just trying to help. “M’good. Don’t even worry about it.”
And Taehyung knows he’s not okay—knows he’s oughta be too depressed for someone who had a terrible break up 3 months ago—but he’d never admit it, at least not to his friends. Knowing his friends they’d be all over his ass in a minute, perturbed, and while it’s endearing and heartwarming and very satisfying for the clingy baby that is Taehyung, he can’t have that. He doesn’t deserve it, he thinks, doesn’t deserve people who worry on his behalf, who would do anything to make him smile.
So he wallows away in self pity. It’s effective, no doubt about it, eating 4 pints of ice cream and 6 bowls of instant ramen a day out of pure abjection. He sometimes gets up to walk Yeontan and occasionally calls Jimin and Yoongi over to talk—but he prefers being unaccompanied most of the time. If he’s bored, perhaps he’ll turn on a movie or draw or even cook (heaven knows he can’t cook) but his biggest rule is that his mind must always be preoccupied in fear that if he’s left to actually think, his mind will wander back to the one person who left him this way. It’s better like this, he’s sure of it.
“Tae,” The orange haired boy sighs, and it’s way too dramatic to be genuine, but Taehyung can’t find it in him to be snarky and call him out for it. He’ll let him get away with it just this once. “You’re not okay. I know you’re not.”
“I said I’m fine,” The younger turns to get up, eager to avoid his feelings as much as possible. It was a talent of his. “—And I’d appreciate it if we don’t talk about this again, Jimin. He’s gone now. I’m okay.”
“—Wait Tae,” Jimin follows in his footsteps, reaching out to the hem of his bright yellow sweatshirt, halting his movements.“Okay, okay, I won’t bring it up again. But please, do one thing for me.”
“What is it?” Taehyung glanced warily at the older.
“Prove to me that you’re okay,” Jimin says, eyes shimmering in deceit, “Go out somewhere with me once. If I see you having an okay time with no issues, I’ll never bring up J—”
“—Don’t say his name.”
“—him, again. How about it?” He finishes, finally releasing his grip on the blue haired boy’s sweatshirt.
Taehyung ponders on it for a second, hesitation prevalent with the soft fluttering of his eyelids shut in contemplation. Admittedly, he doesn’t want to go out. Going out in Jimin’s language usually means partying for hours on end (none of which he enjoys, he doesn’t drink), being deemed designated driver, getting everyone into their respective apartments somehow, and finally having to fix his best friend’s hangover early in the morning.
It was manageable, but it was damn annoying. And besides, Taehyung always had help from J—
“Shit, Jimin,” Taehyung groans in excess, his large hands moving to cover his face out of frustration, “I was doing so well with not thinking about him and then you just had to bring up going out!”
“How did—” Jimin sputters out, “What does partying have to do with him? But see, thank you for proving my point, Sargeant. You’re clearly not okay. It’s time you admit it.”
“I’ll go to your stupid party,” The younger counters quickly, because Jimin did have a point. But he couldn’t let Jimin win. “If it proves to you I’m fine.”
“Fine,” Jimin relents, “But only if you stay the whole time, and act as you always do.”
“When’s the party?” Taehyung asks, walking away from his bedroom to the kitchen. He needed food. Food was always a good thing when he was stressed.
“January 25th,” The older responds quickly, “You best be there.”
“Don’t worry about it, Chiminie,” is the only thing Taehyung can muster in response, “I’ll definitely be there.”
“How was it?”
Jeongguk grunts in exhaustion, hanging his red coat onto the rack and throwing himself on the plush couch placed conveniently in the corner of his living room. It was his favorite place to sit after a long day, perhaps due to the softness of the area. It felt like a warm hug, something he didn’t have access to in reality anymore. Well maybe he did, but certainly not from the person he wanted most.
“Mm, it was nice. She likes dogs and banana milk, which was good, because I’m planning on getting a puppy. But she was kind of monotone,” The tired boy speaks out, head rested on a pillow in disdain, “Maybe it’ll work though, if I keep trying.”
“You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself more than me, bub,” Jeongguk looks up to see Hoseok reprimanding him, arms crossed in disappointment, “Stop forcing yourself to meet people, Guk.”
“I’m not forcing myself to do anything, Hobi,” The dirty blonde looks away from his best friend, “It’s about time I stop moping around.”
Hoseok gets up then, pressing himself against the younger’s body. He’s cuddly and affectionate, Hoseok that is—and sometimes Jeongguk wished he was in love with him instead because the older was all things good, all things happy, and the former is convinced he’d never leave him despondent, at least not like the way a certain someone did.
“Tell me about her, then,” Hoseok looks up at his baby, mouth pulled into a lazy grin, “I wanna hear everything. Gotta approve of her before you take the next step, you know?”
Jeongguk cranes his neck to look down at the red haired boy, “Okay well, she’s very nice. Uh—she’s got bangs and kinda big eyes, which I thought were cute. Um, she’s really, really nice. She likes dogs—”
“—You told me that already.”
“—Well she’s really nice,” Jeongguk deadpans, “And that’s what matters, doesn’t it?”
Hoseok hums in agreement, hands reaching out to grab Jeongguk’s in his own. He’s playing with the younger boy’s fingers when he speaks, “Do you remember what you told me once, when you met the love of your life?”
“No, no, let me remind you. You seem like you need it,” is the only thing Hoseok says before moving up from Jeongguk’s side. “When you met him, Guk, you had the biggest smile on your face. And I remember you came home, just like this, with your stupid red coat and everything, but with a completely different aura surrounding you.”
“Hoseok, please don’t bring it up,” The dirty blonde pleads, a frown littering his soft features.
“You told me ‘Hobi, I found him. I found my person.’”
“I know what I said, Seok, please stop—” Jeongguk tries again.
“And I asked you why you felt that way,” The older boy continues, relentless in attempts to make Jeongguk realize and understand where his heart truly belonged, “And you told me so many things about him, Guk. You told me that when he talked he always sounded so passionate, even if it was about something as trivial as his dislike for dinner dates. You told me he had stars in his eyes, and that you knew the cheesy phrase existed but that it was always meaningless. At least until you found Taehyung.”
“Please don’t mention him,” The younger cries out, “It’s too early, Seokkie, please.”
“Jeongguk, I’m not letting you throw that away. You and Taehyung may be over as a relationship but you are certainly not over him. And jumping into another relationship and going on date after date won’t help anything, Guk, it won’t.” Hoseok finishes, hand reaching to caress Jeongguk’s cheek, “Please trust me on that.”
Jeongguk says nothing in response, only looking down. The remorse on his face and in his mind and tattooed on his heart was evident—but he couldn’t bring himself to admit it. He didn’t want to admit it.
“I don’t understand why you’re doing this either, Guk.” Hoseok raises an eyebrow at the boy, “As far as I know, Tae isn’t seeing anyone. So why do you to start seeing someone so bad?”
Jeongguk slides the silver band on his index finger up and down in nervousness, hesitating on whether he should reveal his true thoughts, “No reason.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it,” The red haired boy calls him out, “Tell me why you’re doing this to yourself.”
“Because so many people love Taehyung!” The younger nearly screams out, the frustration getting to him, “So many people love him. He’s so fucking perfect, Hoseok, I swear to God he had 8 people after him during our relationship. He’s got the best personality I’ve ever seen, you know? Can make anyone’s day in five seconds. He can get anyone he wants so fast and when he does, I don’t want to be alone to see it happen.” He’s close to tears now, “It would break me, Seok.”
Hoseok’s quick to gather the disconsolate boy in his arms, Jeongguk planting his head in the older’s chest and crying, albeit softly. He thinks he feels little kisses being pressed to the top of his head, but he can’t tell, not when his mind is on Taehyung, on how he’s doing and why they didn’t work out. Not when he’s trying so hard to forget Taehyung but he simply can’t.
“Gukkie, baby, it’s okay,” Hoseok whispers to the soft boy in his arms. It was easy to forget how fragile he was. He was a little shit a lot of the time, yes, but he was still Jeongguk—and Jeongguk loves more than he can handle, “You’ll be okay, bub. Please don’t cry.”
“I—” Jeongguk hiccups between soft sniffles, “I miss him, Seokkie. I fucked everything up. Why did I fuck everything up?” His tears gain some momentum—not enough as to prevent Hoseok from being overly concerned but enough to display his pain from the breakup, the very breakup he felt so controlled by. It’s messed up and he knows it, because it’s been 3 months, 3 damn months. But the wounds are just as fresh and they were when it happened. It’s as if healing didn’t exist.
“Calm down, bub,” Hoseok continues pressing soft kisses into his skin, caressing his back delicately. “It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay. Let’s go out one of these days, yeah? With me and Jinnie? We’ll have a good time, get drunk and everything. You can forget all about him. How does that sound?”
“Sounds good,” Jeongguk whispers as best he can in the state he’s in. It’s hard to breathe for him.
“Then that’s what we’ll do, Gukkie. Okay?” The older consoles quietly, “That’s what we’ll do.”
A discontented sigh leaves Taehyung’s mouth for perhaps the 7th time this evening.
Taehyung didn’t realize how strongly he disliked parties until he had such a long, consummating break from them. Parties were a goddamn bore, especially for someone who wasn’t too fond of alcohol—such as the boy himself. Unfortunately for him, he was reminded in the harshest way possible.
Around him, at the moment, were people of three different breeds. One, which Jimin fell under, were people who were straight up wasted—gone within 2 minutes time, drinking alcohol like it was fucking water. Two were couples, obnoxious we–never–got–over–our–honeymoon–phase couples who could do nothing but let the temptation of gracefully sticking their tongues down each other’s throats overcome them. Taehyung hated those people, hated them because they reminded him of his loss, yes—but also because goddamn, keep it to the bedroom. Three were the sketchy breed of drug dealer lookin’ people with pedo staches, and you kinda wonder where the heck they came from because no one at this party sure as hell knows them, but there they are anyways.
Then there’s him. A boy, who, over the course of 3 months, has been woebegone since the day his boyfriend left him.
“It’s only for tonight, Tae,” The doleful boy had tried convincing himself, “It’s only for tonight and then you can go back home and have the time of your life by yourself.”
His efforts, however, remained futile as no progress was made even two hours into the night. Taehyung had spent all his time (so far) at some rickety black chair, vermillion painted nails tapping and drumming repeatedly against marble bar countertops. He’d kept his eyes trained on his best friend for most of the time—considering he had nothing quite better to do—watching him jump from guy to guy as if it was facile and elementary.
It wasn’t like Taehyung didn’t want to meet anyone. Taehyung was more than ready to meet someone. Meeting someone would be something akin to a fresh of breath air for him, a helping hand he so desperately needs. But he can’t bring himself to do it. The minute he even tries to muster up the courage to simply give up—he’s thinking of him again, and his trials end up as something much less than fruitful.
Taehyung supposes he has to continue seeking solace in the fact that—hey, at least he looks pretty damn good—for the rest of the night. It had been forever since he’d actually dolled himself up, the last time being prior to the breakup. It wasn’t the most, but it was something—and something is better than nothing.
“Rough night?” The melancholy boy hears with a tap to his shoulders.
He turns his head towards the direction of the voice, coming face to face with a man criminally beautiful. The boy was gorgeous, to say the least. His jawline was prominent, the edges protruding outwards and blade-like; almost as if you ran a finger against it, it’d cut and bleed. His eyes stared down Taehyung’s with a condemnatory twinkle prevalent in them, but beautifully chocolate nevertheless. A white button down shirt hugged his broad figure tightly, while black jeans did the same for his quite lower half. Long, strong fingers were brought up to his lips as a cigarette dangled between them, puffs of toxins being released as he spoke.
“Uh—you could say that?” Taehyung stammered out, because while he was heartbroken, he certainly wasn’t blind, and could definitely appreciate a man as fine as the one in the front of him right now.
“What’s your name?” The stranger asked, taking a seat besides Taehyung. He smelled good, the blue haired boy noted. Like flowers, with a hint of smoke.
“Taehyung,” He responded, his own fingers fiddling with the silver band on the index finger of his hand.
“Well Taehyung,” The stranger paused, taking a smoke before continuing, “I’m Seokjin. Jin for short.”
“It’s very nice to meet you, Jin,” Taehyung responds, leaning his head against his palm, closer to where Seokjin sat.
“Can I ask why you look so down? A handsome guy like you shouldn’t be alone, hm?” Seokjin muses, and it’s a harmless question, it is, but it stings Taehyung anyways. If he didn’t deserve to be alone, then my boyfriend wouldn’t have left me, is what his mind immediately thinks. But alas, here they are.
Not wanting to acknowledge his feelings, the dismal boy cheekily responds, “Shouldn’t I be saying the same for you?”
“Ah actually, I’ve got someone here with me. My boyfriend,” The black haired male takes a moment to glance around the area, scanning for what Taehyung assumes is his significant other, “—should be somewhere here. He’s with his best friend right now because he’s sad, so unfortunately, I have to share. I’m not going to be alone for long, though. My other friend’s coming so him and I could hang out, but I think my boyfriend might want him and his best friend to hit it off so the both of them won’t be lonely. So actually, he’s gonna ditch me too soon. Fucking traitors.”
Taehyung laughs for the first time that night, and it’s nice. He doesn’t remember the last time he actually really, genuinely smiled or even acknowledged any form of happiness or content since the whole ordeal 3 months ago. It’s an overused phrase he knows, but he can’t think of any better to say than that the breakup quite literally sucked the life out of him.
“I’m sorry if you thought I was hitting on you?” Seokjin questions, as if he’s entirely unsure of his words, “Now that I’m looking back on it, it kinda sounds that way. God, I’m stupid.”
“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Taehyung’s quick to retaliate, patting the seat next to him so Jin could sit, “I probably would’ve had to reject you anyways, and then 2 seconds later feel super shitty because you’re hot as hell but I’m too hung up on my goddamn ex.”
“Ah, so that’s why you’re sulking. We’ve got an asshole ex problem?” Seokjin huffs, taking a smoke before sitting down where Taehyung had told him to, “Tell me something. Who did the dumping?”
“He um,” The younger stutters, not quite finding it in him to talk about the boy, “He dumped me.”
“Asshole. Did he tell you why? Or was he one of those freaky ones who mysteriously disappear?” Seokjin, noticing Taehyung’s judgemental look quickly added, “They exist. I’ve had my fair share of them.”
“Kinda?” Taehyung says, placing his head in hands out of pure frustration, “That’s what’s pissing me off the most. I never got any real closure. He just, I don’t know, left. It’s almost like it was a long time coming for him, like he was sick of me.”
“You don’t need him,” The older picks up quickly, “Screw him.”
“I’ve been trying to tell myself that, Jin. I just, I can’t do it.” Taehyung frowns at the implication of ever possibly hating him —Jeongguk. He’s Jeongguk. Jeongguk, no matter what he does to Taehyung, will never not be one of the precious souls the latter has ever seen. And maybe that’s why it hurts so much. Jeongguk’s so good and kind and everything nice in the world—and Taehyung lost him. “I’ve spent 5 years of my life being in love with him. It’ll take double that for the pain to go away. Triple that for me to ever find any flaws that I don’t love about him. A lifetime to hate him.”
He pauses, truly taking in the weight of the situation he was in. Jeongguk was part of him now. He was his other half.
It’s not long before there are stray tears on the apple of Taehyung’s cheek—the ones that you don’t even realize are there until someone reaches out and wipes them off—but the blue haired boy finds himself letting it happen. He’s emotionally exhausted and Seokjin’s holding him and it feels kinda nice, kinda comforting in a way that Taehyung wasn’t letting himself feel.
Maybe that’s the closure he needs. Maybe a handsome stranger at a party with a boyfriend clinging onto him at 12 in the morning like he matters is the remedy for the very broken heart Jeongguk left him with.
For now, however, it’d have to do.
A dainty hand runs through Jeongguk’s mouth for perhaps the 7th time this evening.
He forgot how much he loved parties. It was odd, in a sense, because Jeongguk’s probably the most socially awkward person Jeongguk knows—but he always seemed to love parties.
In retrospect, it was a mask—because parties were always easy to hide in. They were easy to use as a cover-up for very obvious flaws that he believed he had, that he could use to pretend he was one of the cool kids. At any party, Jeongguk could simply slip in, pretend to be someone he wasn’t for a while, and then leave.
It only stopped, Jeongguk supposes, when Taehyung came into his life. When Taehyung taught him was to actually be himself, to accept himself and to love himself wholeheartedly.
He fucking missed him. That’s all there was to it.
The inconsolable boy glances around the room in interest. Hoseok had ditched him at this point, (maybe to see Seokjin, because he’s always with freaking Seokjin, the boy thoughtfully adds) and the dirty blonde doesn’t think it’d be half bad at this point to flirt around and find a one night stand. Anything to take his mind off the boy who brought him here.
“Hey,” Jeongguk says, albeit shyly, to a boy in the corner of the room. He was cute, definitely very cute and exceptionally handsome—with his thick framed glasses, tall figure, and slicked brown hair. The issue was that Jeongguk wasn’t he even sure if he still had the skill set to talk to a cute boy, let alone try and seduce one.
“Oh uh—hello,” Said boy glances up, adjusting his glasses as to see Jeongguk more clearly.
The latter manages the best ‘cool-boy-pose’ he can, leaning against the wall with his leg up. Flirting like this felt so awkward, like he was committing something dirty by doing this. “I’m Jeongguk. You are?”
“Namjoon,” He says, giving the younger the tiniest of smiles. He’s cute, and Jeongguk definitely takes note of it. Really freaking cute. Not as cute as Taehyung (and Jeongguk hates himself for thinking that), but definitely cute enough to be a solution to his ever growing problem.
“Did you come here alone?” Jeongguk manages to sputter out—and he really can’t help the immediate cringe he feels following the delivery of that horrendously cheesy line. It really had been too long since he last even tried to hit on someone.
“Actually uh—Jeongguk, right?” Namjoon says, albeit hesitantly. He seems fidgety, nervous even. The latter only nods in confirmation to his question. “I actually came here to meet Seokjin and Hoseok. I think they mentioned something about a Jeongguk. Jinnie was complaining how you had stolen Hoseok for the night?” He giggles at that, and the younger boy can’t help but physically coo at the sight. He was took adorable for the broken hearted boy’s own good.
“Well it’s lucky we met then, huh?” Jeongguk smiles. “They didn’t mention anything to me about a cute boy though.” Namjoon only blushes at that, playfully hitting the dirty blonde in retaliation. “For real, though, did you wanna go find them? Hoseok left me like 2 minutes ago to find Jin. It’s a big club, but I’m sure we can find them—”
“—Don’t worry about it,” Namjoon cuts him off in a bold move. “They’re probably making out right now, and I don’t exactly wanna see that.”
“Oh, true.” Jeongguk responds, and it’s kinda awkward, with the way they’re simply standing there while everyone around them is dancing and making out, falling in love even.
The younger supposes Namjoon might’ve noticed this too, because two seconds later he’s going, “Did you wanna dance?” and it takes Jeongguk nothing short of 2 seconds to accept.
It’s easy, dancing with Namjoon that is. He’s comfortable, calm, and maybe it’s because he’s kinda shy too, but he’s not doing anything particularly scandalous to make Jeongguk uncomfortable. He only did the simple, standard moving around, swaying side to side—and it was way too fucking cute. Jeongguk thinks he might never get over it.
They’re not talking, but now, it’s not exactly awkward. In fact, the dirty blonde welcomes it with open arms. Not talking meant Jeongguk could let himself go, let himself get lost in the beats of the music and the lyrics of songs, a feeling of euphoria he’s been craving for way too long now.
He’s always appreciated music. It was a cure to him, in a way that chocolate or a haircut or whatever the hell people did after heartbreaks weren’t. His life revolved around the subject in a way, with how he spent most of his lonely nights dancing in the empty studio on campus—or with the days he spent singing his life away, getting piano lessons from Yoongi.
So he let himself fall out of his toxic mindset for a second. The song that was on was very R&B, definitely hints of sexual and sensual, and Jeongguk nearly thinks for a moment that if Taehyung were here, they’d definitely be dancing to the song together. He’s got half of a mind to ask Namjoon to make up for the lack of him—but even after speaking barely 10 words to each other, he knows the older is way too nice of a man to be using like that. Being alone would have to suffice.
And for a minute, just a second, it somewhat works. Jeongguk closes his eyes, closes his eyes and with it closes his heart, rids his mind of any thoughts of Taehyung—and lets go. His body sways naturally with the music, accustomed to the art of dance—and it’s peaceful for a while. He feels kinda numb in a way, but anything was better than feeling Taehyung rattling his brain, looking for answers he sure as hell didn’t have.
But then the song changes.
And it’s not a bad song, definitely not. It starts off slow—and the guy has a beautiful voice that Jeongguk could surely appreciate. But something doesn’t sit right with him about the music, about the way it flows, the beat drop, and even the lyrics. Especially the lyrics. They’re depressing, some guy completely rambling off about his dead relationship—and it was totally killing Jeongguk’s vibe.
Jeongguk’s considering asking Namjoon if they wanted to leave, go to a quieter area and just talk about life (Namjoon seems like a great person to talk to), but something’s holding him back. His mind is saying to go, to free himself of the heartbreak he knew was bound to come if he stayed there—but he pauses in his movements, listening intently to the boy singing.
He’s quick to pull out his phone, sliding over to the Snapchat app and pressing down on the screen in order to Shazam the song. It takes a couple seconds, (it feels like hours mind you, Jeongguk isn’t patient) but soon a bubble comes up identifying the music. ‘All My Love by Connor Maynard’ is in bold letters, flashing on his screen—and Jeongguk thinks he actually quite likes the title. It’s fitting, definitely, considering how the boy sings about his lover who left him, taking any last bit of love he had left with them. Similar to what Taehyung did to him.
And maybe that’s why the dirty blonde gets emotional so fast—because the lyrics seem too real, too relatable in a sense that he couldn’t shake off. Somewhere in between ‘I don’t know how to be alone’ and ‘I keep waiting for you to come back with all my love’ Jeongguk’s heart shatters, tears threatening to spill over glossy eyes. Perhaps he was way too emotional for a song he didn’t know—for lyrics that is the equivalent to every cheesy cliche pop song he’s ever heard—but that was simply Taehyung’s impact. He leaves marks wherever he goes, absolutely nothing left behind. He made it so that he was impossible to forget about, makes it so that he’s the epitome of all things beautiful and precious in the world.
Jeongguk couldn’t be more thankful when Namjoon glances over at him, noticing his sudden change in demeanor and asking the boy if he’s okay.
“M’good, sorry. Just remembered something.” Jeongguk mutters, his heart no longer into the party. He wanted to go home.
“Music does that sometimes, doesn’t it?” The older replies, placing a careful hand on the dirty blonde’s shoulder. “I get what you’re feeling. Tell you what, why don’t you stay here, and I’ll get us some drinks?”
“Are you sure?” Jeongguk’s quick to counter, selfless as always, “I wouldn’t wanna burden you.”
Namjoon’s smile rivals the sun. “Don’t worry about it. Jinnie texted me he was at the bar comforting some guy he met anyways. They left their drinks untouched, so he told me I could take ‘em. Sound good?”
“Sounds perfect,” The younger responds, wiping any stray tears that might’ve left his eyes.
But then he thinks about it more, and God, Jeongguk really doesn’t wanna be here. He’s deciding to be more rational—and he figures if he was feeling so bad, he should just go home, and not bring Namjoon down with him. He deserved to have a good time.
“Wait Namjoon—” Jeongguk looks up to say, but the boy’s not there anymore.
With nothing better to do, he works his way through the crowd to find him.
Seokjin, Taehyung quickly learned, was a man of many words. Following Taehyung’s (slight) panic attack, Jin couldn’t seem to stop rambling about even the most trivial of things—whether it be the tired eyes of the bartender, or the nail polish on the girl’s hand whom resided next to them.
He certainly didn’t mind though. Taehyung didn’t exactly feel like talking much today.
“—Taehyung?” He hears the older’s voice calling out to him, “You okay? I’ve been calling you for the past 10 minutes.”
The blue-haired boy blinks in confusion, accustoming his eyes to the surroundings. When had he started zoning out? “M’fine, sorry.” He mumbles.
“Please let me know if you’re not, okay?” Seokjin looks concerned as he reassures the melancholy boy, hand placed on his shoulder. “—but, I do have a friend coming over here to get drinks. Is that good with you?”
“Jin, you don’t have to stay with me, y’know?” Is Taehyung’s only response, eyes trained on the comforting hand Seokjin had lent him. “You’re completely free to hang out with your other friends, I don’t wanna hold you back.”
“Nonsense,” He smiles, and Taehyung thinks for a second that his boyfriend is very lucky. Jin was definitely husband material. “Besides, he just wants to pick up the drinks up for himself and my boyfriend’s friend. He’ll be out of here in no time.”
“He can stay if he wants,” The younger made sure to mention, “I think I’ve run out of tears.”
“Actually I think he’s just gonna bring it back to my boyfriend’s best friend,” Seokjin reiterates, glancing at his phone one more time to double check. “So we’re good.”
“Your boyfriend’s best friend sounds very angsty,” Taehyung jokes, eyes crinkled in delight. “Maybe we should meet.”
“Maybe,” Seokjin smiles, “I’m glad to see you smiling. It’s pret—”
“—Seokjinnie!” A voice calls out to the older, deep and soothing. The recipient of the yell turns towards the sound.
Taehyung watched as a lanky man comes into view, hair gelled and style akin to that of a too rich CEO. He was good looking—maybe not Taehyung’s type—but absolutely good looking. If the latter was jealous, he would never admit it.
Jin happily hopped out of his seat at the bar, immediately going for a hug. Namjoon, Taehyung presumed, seemed startled by this—but endeared nonetheless. He had a big grin on his face, and if the blue-haired boy didn’t know any better, he’d think him and Jin were dating. It’s nice, having friends such as those.
They pull apart for a moment, and Seokjin goes to pull Taehyung from off his chair. “Taehyung, this is Namjoon.” Seokjin says, glancing at the younger. He turns his head. “Namjoon, this is Taehyung.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” Namjoon says, a sheepish grin adorning the soft features of his face. “Seokjin told me you were very sweet.”
“Already?” Taehyung says, laughing at the speed at which Jin had already informed his whole friend group of the younger’s existence. “That’s amazing, Jinnie! Anyways, it’s my pleasure.” The blue haired boy says, extending his arm out. The older’s quick to shake it.
“Can I get the drinks, Jin?” Namjoon off-handedly mentions, “I don’t wanna keep Jeongguk waiting too long. He’s absolutely devastated.”
“—Did you just say Jeongguk?” Taehyung quickly interferes, head rattling. It couldn’t be his Jeongguk. Absolutely not. There’s no possible way. They’re in Korea. There’s so many dudes named Jeongguk in Korea.
“Yeah! He’s my boyfriend’s best friend,” Jin exclaims, unknowingly causing the frown on Taehyung’s face to deepen. “Why? Do y’know him?”
“I–uh–it’s nothing important. Just a name of an old friend is all.” Is Taehyung’s only response, his hand scratching the back of his neck in a nervous reflex.
“Whatever you say,” Seokjin says, but Taehyung can tell the older doesn’t entirely believe him. The uneasiness radiating off the blue haired boy was as obvious as a teeanger’s pungent body odor. “Let me get you those drinks, Joonie.”
“Yeah that’d be awesome, thank you.” Namjoon responds, glancing at his watch. “I hope he hasn’t run away. He seemed so off after this one song.”
“What happened to him?” Taehyung can’t help but ask. “If you’re allowed to tell me, of course.”
“Bad breakup,” The older says, “At least that’s what—”
Both Taehyung and Namjoon are quick to maneuver their hands, bettering their hearing of the familiar voice.
And the boy is just as beautiful as Taehyung last remembered. His eyes are bright, shiny with specks in his pupils akin to stars. They’re swollen too, and the blue haired boy doesn’t know why it still pains him so damn much to know that he’d been crying, that he’d been just as upset as Taehyung was. His hair’s kinda a mess, looking as they did after he constantly ran his fingers through it—a prominent nervous habit of the younger’s. He looked confused, lost and more frazzled than Taehyung had last seen him, when he spoke the very words that broke the latter. It made him want to hold onto him, hold onto him and protect him from everything bad in the world.
But he had to remind himself that the boy standing in front of him didn’t want that anymore. He didn’t need it.
“Jeongguk?” Taehyung croaks.
“Taehyung,” Jeongguk breathes out, the wind knocked out of him.
It’s so different than when the dirty blonde had last seen him. Of course he knew what Taehyung was up to, knew he dyed his hair blue and lost tons of weight. (He kept up with Jimin’s instagram for that very reason). But seeing him, seeing him in person moving and breathing was so contrasting to blurry selfies on social media. He’s here, he’s in the flesh, and he’s real. Jeongguk could run up to him and hold him if he wanted, could kiss him and hug him and give him the love that he deserved—because he was here. He was standing right there, looking terribly vulnerable and lost but so extremely beautiful.
His beauty was timeless. Jeongguk will never deny that.
“Jeongguk, oh my god.” The older whispers, and it’s nearly inaudible, but the aforementioned male could definitely hear it. His eyes never left the former’s—and they wouldn’t for a while, not as long as the dirty blonde was here.
“You two know each other?” Namjoon cuts in, alleviating the tense atmosphere. And normally Jeongguk would be okay with that, would even kiss the ground Namjoon walked on for getting him out of a tough situation such as this one. But with the snap back into reality, Taehyung seemed to realize who he was talking to as well—if the sudden coldness clouding his eyes was anything to go by.
“We used to be friends,” Taehyung says, voice harsh and laced with accrued anger Jeongguk knows he deserves to feel. He gathers his things speedily, pulling out his wallet in an attempt to find cash, the dirty blonde presumes. “I think I should get going now, though. Please let Seokjin know how thankful I was for him today—”
“—Taehyung,” Jeongguk attempts to intervene.
“—And here’s some money for the drinks. I know some parties charge for them. Don’t remember if this one does.” Taehyung affirms, ignoring the boy reaching out to him, “I think I really have overstayed my time with him. I appreciate his hospitality.”
“Taehyung, fuck, please,” Jeongguk tries again, hands reaching out in desire to touch the boy in front of him. “Please let me talk to you.”
The boy in questions huffs out of frustration, and the dirty blonde knows his words are getting to him, that the both of them are just as weak as each other—but Taehyung’s stubborn as hell, and holds his guard. “It was really nice meeting you, Namjoon. I’ll get going.”
“Baby, please,” Jeongguk finally says in one last desperate attempt, grasping onto the older’s wrist. “Can we talk?”
And he’s not moving then, looking over his shoulder in contemplation—and the younger thinks his pet name may have actually worked—but he’s gravely mistaken. Taehyung slaps his hand away, seething in unadulterated rage. “Don’t baby me, Jeongguk.” He turns around, eyes boring into his ex-boyfriends. They’re different—the same eyes that he’d have directed at people who annoyed him at uni, or people who’d get too close to Jeongguk—cold, closed off. The latter certainly wasn’t accustomed to it, never even considering the fact that he’d be on the receiving end of the stick. “You fucking lost that right when you upped and left our six year relationship without any damn explanation.” The older steps closer, an accusatory finger pressing against Jeongguk’s chest.
“I’m not hearing it!” The older snaps, and if Jeongguk hadn’t seen him get so angry before, he would probably shit his pants. “Take your fucking excuse and leave, Guk.” His voice is venomous, passionate in absolute loathing.
“Stop causing a commotion and let me explain, please.” The dirty blonde pleads, reaching for Taehyung’s wrist and strengthening his grip on it. He needs to tell him the truth, how much he regrets the way he handled everything. “You can get closure, Tae, and so can I.”
“I don’t need your damn–” Taehyung fumes, pulling away from the stronger male but ultimately failing “for fuck’s sake Jeongguk let go of me!”
“I’m not letting go of you,” Jeongguk’s oddly rational for someone who’s been an outrageous mess for the last 3 months, due to the very boy in front of him—but he doesn’t hate it. If he wants this to work, he supposes he can’t snap at someone who won’t listen. “I’ll pick you up and move you if I have to, you know I will.”
“Why can’t you leave me alone?” The older whines, “You’ve already hurt me enough, Guk, please.” And his voice sounds so pained, so lonely that Jeongguk hates himself for making him feel this way. He didn’t deserve that, and if the younger has to spend his life making up for it, he freaking will.
“I promise I’ll let you go if you let me talk, Taehyung please.” Jeongguk’s willing to go on his knees now, that’s how desperate he is. Heaven forgive Namjoon for being stuck in the middle of all of this. “Please.” He closes his eyes, the tears threatening to spill again.
“I can’t, Jeongguk.”
“I–” Taehyung croaks, his voice softer than before. “I think that if I’m alone in a room with you, I will lose it, Guk. What am I supposed to do then?” And Jeongguk can’t see him, because he’s scared, scared to open his eyes but he can imagine—and he knows that right now Taehyung probably looks something like a kicked puppy, defeated.
“The last time I talked to you alone, I came out scarred from it—and with no freaking explanation.” He sounds close to crying now, “Jeongguk how am I supposed to trust that you won’t do that again? That you won’t just pull me in a room and tell me you fucking hate me and then fucking leave again?”
And Jeongguk doesn’t know what to say—because he he understands, he understands why Taehyung can’t trust him anymore. He has no right to argue with him.
“S’what I thought.” Taehyung huffs, detaching himself from the younger, “I’ll see you around, yeah?”
He turns to leave, but Jeongguk’s got fast reflexes—is quicker than anyone he knows—so he’s tugging on Taehyung again, bringing him back to be face to face with the younger once more. He’s definitely startled, and Jeongguk would normally care but right now he doesn’t, because he needs to speak with Taehyung and if this is the way he has to do it, he freaking will.
“I don’t hate you.” The younger decides to reaffirm, lifting Taehyung’s face to look at him. “I’m never gonna hate you for as long as I walk on this damn planet, so don’t say that.” Jeongguk’s losing his temper now, he can’t help it—but he’s going to get the older to talk to him in any way possible—so it’s not long before he’s picking Taehyung bridal style, the boy squirming in his arms.
“Guk–” The blue haired boy nearly screams, “Put me down!”
“No,” Jeongguk scans the expanse of the party, searching for a private room, “We’re gonna do this the right way now.”
It takes a couple minutes, and 2 of the times they step in rooms, they walk in on people having sex—but they find a room, nevertheless. Of course Taehyung makes a point to keep the younger on one side of the room and himself on the other because ‘I have no damn self control around you’ , but Jeongguk’s not complaining. Any form of improvement or interaction was absolutely okay with him.
“The audacity you have, Jeongguk,” The aforementioned male watches as his ex boyfriend paces around the room, muttering angrily. His face was adorned in pout, and Jeongguk couldn’t help but coo. Except he wasn’t his to fawn over, he had to remind himself.
“Let me talk, and then you can go,” The younger pleads, eyes boring into the side of the older. Surely Taehyung must’ve felt somewhat intimidated by how hard Jeongguk was staring—but if he did, he made no indication of it.
The older male abruptly plops on the bed in the room, maneuvering his head to look at the dirty blonde. “Speak. You have 10 minutes.”
“I–uh–where do I even start?” Jeongguk says, rubbing sheepishly at the back of his neck.
“At the beginning,” Taehyung snarkily responds, barely giving the boy in front of him two seconds to breathe, “Preferably.”
And Jeongguk has to think for a moment there, because he can’t exactly pinpoint where everything started to go downhill. He knows they began to fall apart at one point, that’s for sure, but he doesn’t know when—and he figures that’s a pretty good indicator of the fact that this conflict wasn’t as big of a deal as the younger ended up making it.
“Do you remember when we stopped kinda—talking?” Jeongguk asks, leaning against the door.
Taehyung runs his fingers through his hair, “When did we stop talking? We were boyfriends , Jeongguk. We never ‘ stopped talking .’” He emphasizes, using his hands to indicate air quotes.
“You have to know what I’m talking about,” Jeongguk responds, annoyance tinging his voice, “Right before we broke up, Tae, we barely talked. How don’t you remember that?”
“You didn’t talk to me, Guk.” The blue haired boy huffs, crossing his arms. “I always asked you how your day was, what was bothering you, what was on your mind and you didn’t say jack shit. Yeah, I remember that.”
“There was a reason,” Jeongguk says, fixing his posture to get a better view of the very man he loved. He was trying to be as expressive as possible with his words, hoping they would better get across to Taehyung that way. The latter only looks at him expectantly, waiting for an explanation. “Around that time was when I started to feel really insecure about our relationship, us, and especially myself.”
It’s something upwards of difficult talking about this, Jeongguk notes, because he was so damn upset at the time. He remembers those days easily (though he was clueless of their origin) simply because he hated himself so much, so much to the point where it was exceedingly malignant to his emotional health.
“And I–I honestly don’t remember that well, where it came from.” Jeongguk whispers, shutting his eyes. He feels so stupid, so moronic because he could’ve solved this so easily had he just communicated with the boy who he knew loved him so much. “I know that you got busy. When university started up again, you were always piled with work, always out on internships and shit, and I just—I fucking panicked, Tae.” The younger finishes.
Taehyung’s eyes seem to soften at that, the hard, cold look slowly melting away. He motions for Jeongguk to go on.
“You’re my fuckin’ rock, you know? When you aren’t there, it’s so easy for me to lose myself in my thoughts, to succumb to the stupid freaking voices in my head that mess shit up.” Jeongguk reasons, inching closer to where Taehyung was sitting. He really just wanted to hold on him. “And because of that, somehow, I equated you being busy with uni to something that was my fault.”
He’s close to the bed now, and he wants to sit down—but he’ll respect Taehyung’s wishes. If he doesn’t want Jeongguk near him, then that’s his decision.
“So I started to believe that you didn’t love me, or that you were at least beginning to fall out of love with me.” The younger sighs, “It didn’t help that you were stressed, so sometimes when I’d speak to you, you’d snap at me. Not to say that’s your fault,” Jeongguk quickly corrected himself, “Just, my brain is stupid.”
Taehyung silently begins to fiddle with the ring on his finger, reflecting on all the sudden information being thrown at him. “Continue.” He whispers quietly, almost to the point of it being inaudible.
“From that insecurity, came the time where I went mute,” The older nodded in understanding, as if he knew where this story was going. Jeongguk felt like his heart was going to fall out of his chest. “And I’m so fucking sorry about that, Taehyung. I really thought you were tired of me. I thought that you wanted me to stop talking to you, so I did.”
“Guk, there’s never going to be a time where I would want you to stop talking to me.” The older offhandedly mentions, quickly—as if he was concealing his barriers being broken down.
“I know,” And the guilt starts to already eat up at Jeongguk because even now, Taehyung loved him so incredibly much, to the point where he sacrificed his own pride just to reassure him. “After that, you tried talking to me sometimes, because you noticed I was off and I appreciated that so much—I just didn’t think it was genuine. So I rejected all your attempts of amending the situation. I decided to ignore you in hopes that you would know it’s okay, that you could leave me if you want.”
“And it must’ve worked, huh? Cause I never saw you around anymore and suddenly you’d come home late at night saying you were out with Jimin or Hyungsik or Bogum or whoever else you’re friends with.” Jeongguk stutters through the words, feeling like he couldn’t keep up with his own voice. “Not that I thought you were cheating, I knew you weren’t.”
Taehyung’s eyes are watering, or close to it, the younger knows it. Even if he doesn’t actually look up to see the physical proof—he can feel it, because he’s hurting just as much as he is.
“But it’s then, it’s then at those times at 12 in the morning when you were out having fun with all of your amazing friends and I was at home by myself wallowing in completely and absolute self-pity that I realized you had given up on me.” Jeongguk keeps his head down then, as if he had spoken a curse into existence. “And if you gave up on me, then that was it. I didn’t know what else to do, so I panicked and left.”
“It was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, baby.” And Jeongguk’s not surprised when he feels a stray tear rolling down his cheek, “I’m paying for it everyday, I promise.”
Taehyung’s silent—silent to the point of concern, like a bomb waiting to explode. His eyes flutter shut in contemplation, a pained look resting on his face. He inhales deeply, fingers rubbing at the corner of his eyelids—and Jeongguk would be lying if he said he wasn’t the tiniest bit scared, nor worried. Grand soliloquies were beautiful, in the same way flowers and christmas lights and wedding vows were, but they weren’t enough to erase mistakes—and Jeongguk was aware of that truth.
“Why didn’t you come to me?” He says this after a couple minutes, eyes glossy from unshed tears. Jeongguk wants to crumble into himself. “Why didn’t you think to ask me for help, Guk? We told each other everything.”
Jeongguk’s so fucking ashamed.
“Why did you think I would ever push you away, that I wouldn’t help?” Taehyung gets up then in anger, tugging at his hair harshly. “Was I not a good enough boyfriend? Did I not show you enough love?”
“No, no, no. Look at me, Tae.” Jeongguk’s quick to retaliate, placing a delicate hand under Taehyung’s chin to let the older look at him. “It wasn’t you, okay? You were always a good boyfriend, okay? It wasn’t you, please don’t think it was.”
“Then why didn’t you come to me, Guk?” Taehyung asks again, this time with more power, more emotion in his voice, like he was angry at Jeongguk for not thinking he was good enough. “No matter how busy I was, I would’ve made time for you.”
The younger sighs. “You didn’t.”
“You didn’t make time for me, I mean.” Jeongguk whispers. He’s scared to say the words, of course he is. He knows how much they’re going to piss Taehyung off, but he had to be honest with the boy in front of him. “That’s why I started feeling so insecure.”
“That’s different!” The older exclaims, throwing his hands up into the air, “I didn’t know you were fucking depressed!”
“I don’t need to be depressed for you to spend time with me!” Jeongguk bursts out, making Taehyung flinch.
Taehyung's face falls more, eyes wide and mouth slack, a small laugh bubbling from his throat. “You knew it wasn’t intentional, you even said—”
“—I know it wasn't intentional the first time around, Taehyung.” The younger starts low, his voice slowly gaining traction, “But then I was sad and you knew that, you knew I was ‘fucking depressed’, yet you still went out with your friends and left me alone.”
“Can you blame me, Jeongguk?” Taehyung barked, trembling with rage. His eyes harden like he wants the dirty blonde to never speak a word to him again, and Jeongguk knows he’s messed up. “You didn’t say a word to me! Was I supposed to sit at home and do nothing while you completely ignored me all day?”
“I wouldn’t have left you alone,” The younger says, matter of factly. “Not if I knew you were sad.”
“Jeongguk,” Taehyung laughs humorlessly, “Everyone is sad. It’s not just you now, and it wasn’t just you then. How do you think I was supposed to feel when my own fucking boyfriend, the one who’s supposed to love me and protect me as much as I love and protect him wasn’t even talking to me? Huh?” And he’s aggressive in his tone, a tone that makes Jeongguk shudder.
“Maybe you cope by not speaking a word to the people you love, but I cope by talking to those who care for me, Guk. So I went to Jimin and Hyungsik and Bogum and all them. If you had a problem, you could’ve spoken to me and stopped me.” Taehyung’s brow furrows in confusion, “I just don’t know what you want from me.”
And Jeongguk doesn’t know what to say anymore, because he knows the older is right. He’s aware that communication is the key to every freaking relationship, the one thing that everyone makes sure to mention that when giving advice about love. But Jeongguk’s stubborn, so he’s whispering, “I was just afraid, I guess. I wanted reassurance.”
Taehyung huffs, an exhale so full of stress, Jeongguk could feel it from where he was standing. “I get you were afraid. We all have insecurities—myself included—and you know that.” He looks like he wants to yell, but his voice is weak. “But that’s not an excuse to stop talking to me. It’s not an excuse to up and leave, and then blame me for not being there for you without even telling me what the problem is. A relationship is mutual. You have to do your part too.”
He starts pacing again, head placed in the palm of his hand out of pure anxiety. “This could’ve been so easily resolved, Jeongguk…”
“I know.” The aforementioned responds. He’s ready to apologize, getting the words ready to say, but the small noise of a sniffle stops him.
It’s a whole different aura when Taehyung cries. Because Jeongguk’s a cry baby, he’s a frustrated crier, a sad crier, a happy crier and all those in between—but the older is slightly more composed then that. Not any less emotional, but with more of an ability to keep it together. When he starts crying, eyes watering to the point of a borderline mental breakdown, something is wrong.
“I’m sorry,” Taehyung hiccups through tears Jeongguk knows are gradually worsening. His heart breaks.
“I’m sorry,” The older repeats, and it’s then that Jeongguk goes up to him, bringing his love into a warm embrace. He holds onto him tightly, to the point where he thinks Taehyung might feel suffocated, but the latter makes no indication of feeling that way. His tears get worse, and Jeongguk knows they’re probably staining his shirt—but he absolutely doesn’t care. He welcomes the tears, after what he made Taehyung go through.
“I’m sorry,” Is the only thing Taehyung is repeating, and it hurts the younger boy so much. Taehyung was bright, happy, deserved everything good in the world—definitely not this. Jeongguk’s hands go to thread through the older’s hair, and it’s a bit unconventional with the way they’re the same height, but he finds it endearing nonetheless.
“I can’t be—” Taehyung hiccups again, after a few minutes of crying. “—I couldn’t be strong for the both of us, Gukkie. You can’t just leave me like that.”
Jeongguk only continues the soft motions through the other’s hair, opting to say nothing. He’ll let Taehyung speak, and then he’ll apologize.
“I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t good enough,” He continues, and his voice is cried out, completely broken in ways that it shouldn’t be. “And not giving you enough time.”
They stay like that for a while, and it’s completely silent, apart for the faint sounds of chatter and music outside. Taehyung’s sobs steady to something of quiet sniffles again, and Jeongguk thinks that at one point the only reason he still had his head buried in the latter’s chest was because he missed the comfort of being held—just like Jeongguk himself did.
“Taehyung,” The younger decides to test the waters, careful with his words. When Taehyung doesn’t respond, he tries again. “Baby?”
The boy in question lets out a small grunt then, as if surprised by the pet name, but not entirely opposed to it. He snuggles deeper into the dirty blonde’s chest, and Jeongguk knows it must be straining him to bend his neck like that—so he moves them to sit down on the bed.
“Taehyungie,” Jeongguk says, one final time, “M’so sorry.”
And that must’ve struck a nerve with Taehyung, because he’s crying again, though this time not as intensely.
“I’m so so sorry,” Jeongguk repeats, kissing Taehyung’s forehead for every apology he uttered, “I’m sorry for being stupid and not telling you how I felt. I’m so sorry.”
He takes a deep breath before continuing.
“But most of all, I’m so sorry for making it feel like you weren’t loved. That I didn’t love you with every fiber of my being, which I did, Tae, and I still do. I love you so much,” The younger brings Taehyung’s face up to meet his, and presses two more kisses to the apples of the latter’s cheeks. “I love you more than you will ever know.”
Taehyung looks so soft then, so vulnerable and his face is kinda red and splotchy but he looks utterly gorgeous nonetheless—his beauty never faltering for even one moment. His lips are trembling and Jeongguk knows he wants to cry more, but he’s holding back, closing himself off.
“I should’ve been doing my part in the relationship, but instead I was so fucking selfish , baby, and I don’t think words will ever be able to express how sorry I am.” Jeongguk grabs onto Taehyung’s hands, pressing soft kisses to his knuckles, “There’s always gonna be the two of us, yeah?”
The older only nods, squeezing his lover’s hands back.
And Jeongguk wants to kiss him again, wants to feel the boy’s lips on his own because it’s been 3 damn months, and that’s enough to make the former go crazy.
He leans in closer to Taehyung, foreheads pressed against each other, and he can feel his breath fighting against Jeongguk’s own. Jeongguk kisses Taehyung all over, on the slope of his nose, the apples of cheeks, the crease of his brows, and the older’s eyes flutter close, bashfully.
“Can I kiss you?” The younger’s eyes search the latter’s for confirmation, happy when Taehyung doesn’t seem to back away.
Taehyung nods once more, and that’s all it takes for Jeongguk to lean in completely, feeling absolute euphoria at the feeling of Taehyung’s lips against his. It had been too long, too fucking long and Taehyung’s lips were so soft, plush in the ways pillows and blankets were. It’s a steady, slow kiss at first, the two simply familiarizing the feeling of each other’s lips again—but then Jeongguk presses harder, kisses harder because he missed Taehyung so damn much, and he’d go to hell and back before losing him again.
They release after a moment or two—the desire to catch their breath was prominent—but it’s not long before Jeongguk’s chasing Taehyung’s lips for more again, sweaty and breathless because he is so freaking in love with his boy that he can’t even comprehend it.
His lips are rough against Taehyung’s and they slide against each other sloppily, but effortlessly just the same. Taehyung parts his lips and oh god, Jeongguk just wants all of him. Their lips are moving languidly, almost as if savoring how they stick, how beautiful they fit together.
It’s only when Taehyung pulls back, when Taehyung breaks away that Jeongguk even considers stopping, eyes meeting the boy whom he adored so much. “What’s wrong?”
He hesitates, fidgeting softly with the hem of his sweater. It looks cute on him, Jeongguk can’t help but think.
“I think we should stop.”
And Jeongguk doesn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t that , not in the slightest. Anything would’ve been better than that , he’s sure of it.
“What?” And the younger thinks he’s never heard himself sound so utterly broken before, voice soft as he speaks the very word he feels. “Please say you’re kidding.”
Taehyung inhales, and Jeongguk notices his demeanor, his whole aura then. He curls into himself delicately, as if he was closing himself off from the latter once again.
“We’re not—” Taehyung bursts, eyes looking anywhere but at Jeongguk’s. The latter finds it difficult not to flinch.“We’re not good for each other, Gukkie.” And perhaps he notices the way Jeongguk’s heartbeat stops then, the way his eyes widen in fear to the point of complete concern—so he’s scrambling to add, “At least not right now.”
“Why?” And the younger doesn’t wanna cry, because he’s not a fucking child, but he’s so damn close to it, it’s embarrassing. Maybe he got his hopes up too high, and that’s one of the biggest mistakes the human mind could make. “I told you, I promise not to do it again. I swear!” He throws his hands up in mock surrender.
“I believe you, Gukkie, I do,” Taehyung decides to emphasize, Jeongguk thinks, in hopes of soothing him. “It’s just—we’re such a fucking mess.” He distances himself from the younger then, getting up from off the bed. “We can barely function on our own, how are we going to do it together?”
“We can Taehyungie—I promise, I told you I promise...” Jeongguk trails off.
“I don’t think so, Gukkie.” Taehyung says, voice small—akin to a child’s who had just gotten scolded. “Please. Be realistic. I want us to work, and we definitely won’t work if we don’t let ourselves heal .”
And Jeongguk desperately wants to retaliate—wants to say that it’s him and Taehyung against the world and that they’d be okay, surely, even if they were slightly emotionally unstable but he knows it isn’t true. He knows how goddamn broken he is without Taehyung and that if he stays like that, he’ll never get to love the older like he wants to, so he gets up too, grabbing at Taehyung’s wrists delicately and pulling the boy into him for a hug.
“Okay.” He whispers, and the phrase is spoken with finalty—like the pact is set in stone.
They stay there for a while, Taehyung’s head buried into the chest of the younger’s—eyes shut tightly and a death grip on his shirt—and it’s nice, peaceful even. They’re swaying a bit from side to side, relaxed, as if a non existent wind was carrying them.
“You lost weight,” Jeongguk mentions offhandedly, running his hands over the older’s torso, his shoulders, arms, “All skin and bones now.”
Taehyung giggles at that, and it comes out kinda muffled, given the fact that his head was still snuggled into Jeongguk’s chest, but it was still so freaking adorable. The younger wouldn’t ever shut up about it. “I stopped eating for a while, after you left. Don’t worry though, I’ll have my belly again soon.”
There’s nothing but silence.
“I like your belly.”
Taehyung’s giggling again.
Jeongguk holds onto the boy in front of him tighter. “How the hell am I gonna do this without you, Tae?”
Taehyung detaches himself from the younger, eyes transfixed on the boy in front of him. “You’re gonna do fucking amazing, Gukkie.” He presses a soft hand to the apple of Jeongguk’s cheek, watching as the dirty blonde closes his eyes at the touch. “And when we’re both ready, I’ll be here, waiting for you.”
Jeongguk feels Taehyung’s breath against him, soft and unsteady, as he presses their foreheads together. “One more kiss? For the road?”
The older only nods, wordlessly pressing his lips against Jeongguk’s once more. It's nothing more than a chaste kiss, nothing more than the soft attachment of lips on one another, but it’s just as breathtaking—if not more of a goodbye.
“I love you, Gukkie,” is the last thing Taehyung says, before moving away from the younger, and nearing the exit.
“I love you too.” Is the last words Jeongguk gets in, just before the sound of a door shutting resounds throughout the room.
It takes Jeongguk less than 2 seconds to start crying again, but it’s okay. He knows him and Taehyung are going to be okay. And that thought is enough to keep him going.
[FOUR MONTHS LATER]
Taehyung wouldn’t necessarily consider himself a morning person. Not by a long shot, not really.
He thrived at night, thrived in terms of character and personality, thrived with his creativity—even found himself looking slightly better with dark shadows cast upon his face than the overbearing sun rays of the morning (he felt entirely too washed out)—but that was just him. Jeongguk would never give him the time of day if he heard him say anything even remotely negative regarding himself.
So it was nice on days like this—on mornings like this, rather, where Taehyung could wake up and everything could be calm, mornings where he could look to the left side of his bed and see his whole fucking world right there, resting quietly next to him. On days like this, mornings were unbeatable, untouchable in every single way.
Jeongguk looks gorgeous when he sleeps. Jeongguk looks gorgeous all the time, Taehyung knows this fact extremely well, but he especially looks breathtaking during a state of slumber akin to this one. It was a state of Jeongguk’s Taehyung always admired, but it only seemed to intensify after the fight. Following that, the older really never had the desire to see Jeongguk sad ever again—so he appreciates the relaxation sleep brings for the younger boy.
Reconciling after the fight wasn’t easy, to say the least. It was a lot of compromise, a lot of adjustments that had to be made to new habits. On some days, Jeongguk would still doubt himself, and on some days, Taehyung would still be scared of his boyfriend leaving him—but they were definitely ready enough to be a couple again. When Jeongguk turned up at Taehyung’s doorstep with a bouquet of flowers, and a simple but apologetic smile 2 months after they last talked, the older knew they were okay.
And he was definitely right so far.
Jeongguk was happier with himself, and it was easy to see. He no longer was afraid to tell Taehyung about things that bothered him, was no longer afraid to be himself around the older boy. That concept, that newly restored self esteem Jeongguk found in himself was truly the only thing Taehyung could ever ask for.
Taehyung sits up on his side of the bed, supporting his weight on his elbows as he peers over at his boyfriend. He know he sounds like a broken record when he says this, but god, Jeongguk is so fucking beautiful. It’s definitely a reasonable time to get up, Taehyung thinks, as the campus surrounding his and Jeongguk’s shared apartment was more than alive, bustling with familiar people and sounds.
The blue haired boy looks over at the clock, quickly checking the time. 10:32am, it read.
He wants to let the younger boy rest a bit longer before waking him (Jeongguk was definitely tired from university last night, after all), but he’s also impatient as hell—and unfortunately for Jeongguk, that part of him is way overpowering. So it comes to no one’s surprise when the older can’t help himself and leans over the space between them, attaching his lips to Jeongguk’s face—kissing every inch of skin he could find, from the slope of his nose to apple of his cheeks.
Taehyung giggles as Jeongguk twists and turns around the bed, teetering on the uncertain line between awake and asleep as he makes grabby hands towards his boyfriend. It’s terribly endearing in every single way possible, and God, Taehyung’s so lucky, isn’t he?
Eventually though, the younger settles down into a comfortable position after a bit of clambering—and Taehyung huffs at the boy’s difficulty. It had always been insanely hard to get Jeongguk up, with the way he slept so deeply. Taehyung realizes he’s gonna have to take an alternative approach to make sure the boy stayed wide awake.
Coming up with an idea that was risky, but may potentially work (if executed properly), Taehyung put his plan into motion. He inches a bit closer to his boyfriend—careful not to get too close, in case a potential escape route was needed—before screaming at the top of his lungs: “Guk, you’re gonna be late for class!”
Jeongguk’s reaction was nearly immediate. He practically throws himself off from the bed—not before giving Taehyung a quick kiss on the cheek of course—muttering “Shit, shit, shit,” repeatedly as he practically runs to the nearest bathroom. It’s difficult for Taehyung to not completely lose it when he slams the door shut, and an intense crash is heard from inside as Jeongguk’s curses become louder, more consistent.
The older almost feels bad. Almost.
It’s only when Jeongguk leaves the bathroom, scurrying to find a shirt and damning himself because “Why the fuck do I not wear shirts to sleep?” that Taehyung even considers putting the younger out of his misery.
He refuses to hear Taehyung out. The older supposes he deserves that. “Sorry Tae, I gotta get ready first, tell me after—”
“Guk, baby, listen ,” Taehyung tries again, but the younger really wasn’t having it.
“I told you Taehyung, after I’m dressed.” Jeongguk replies, glancing over his shoulder. He looks so damn good, even if he’s frantic and simply wearing a pair of grey sweatpants. It takes everything in Taehyung not to admire his fine rear end so intensely.
“Jeongguk!” Taehyung finally ends up screaming, and the younger halts in his movements. Taehyung never raises his voice. He turns towards the older expectantly.
It takes a moment for the words to register, but when they do, well, Taehyung doesn’t think he’s ever seen Jeongguk’s demeanor change so fast. His eyes darken, orbs a shade of black that Taehyung had never really seen before, and the older’s scared .
“Baby,” Jeongguk growls, albeit mockingly, “Come here yeah?”
Oh god, he fucked up. He definitely did.
Taehyung hesitantly gets up from the bed, “I’m good, actually.”
“Sweetheart,” Jeongguk repeats, “You’re so gonna fucking pay for this.”
The older squeaks as he rapidly turns around, not forgetting to throw a pillow in Jeongguk’s face (who he knew was definitely running after him by now) as he attempts to escape his doom.
Much to Taehyung’s chagrin, however, Jeongguk is really freaking fast. So it’s not long before the younger gets to him, tugging harshly on his wrist to bring him back. Taehyung can’t help the groan that escapes his mouth as Jeongguk turns him around and pushes the older back into the door, hard enough to make a statement.
He pins Taehyung’s wrists over his head, and the latter would be lying if he said his muscle kink wasn’t thriving right now.
“You fucking suck,” Jeongguk mutters, breath hot and heavy on the older’s face. He definitely wasn’t being subtle enough with how he was checking Taehyung out. “You think you could get away with that?”
“It’s my job,” Taehyung grins cheekily, being just as obvious with eyes and how they roamed over his boyfriend’s torso. Maybe Jeongguk didn’t like how he slept without a shirt, but Taehyung loved it.
“Huh,” Jeongguk whispers, getting closer to Taehyung’s face. One move closer and their lips would touch. “You’re gonna be a fucking brat—,” he strengthens his grasp on Taehyung’s wrists, ensuring he had no room for movement, “—while looking this fucking good—” The older’s definitely hard by now, and he knows Jeongguk is too, “—wearing nothing but my fucking shirt? Hm?”
“Maybe,” Taehyung tries to respond, but the word dies on his lips. He was way too turned on right now.
“You’re gonna be the death of me, baby,” Jeongguk finally says before attaching his lips to Taehyung’s, hungrily, leaving no room for remorse as he prods the older’s mouth open with his tongue, shamelessly slipping it inside. Taehyung readily accepts this, encourages it even, as he responds with just as much fervor.
The battle for dominance ensues, neither party giving in as Jeongguk releases Taehyung’s wrist, going to encircle his arms around the older’s waist instead. The older can’t help it when he smiles into the kiss, going to wrap his own arms around Jeongguk’s neck, feeling up the hardness of his torso while doing so. A feeling of contentment blooms over Taehyung’s chest as he feels the younger grip harder on his waist, pressing harder into the kiss.
“Ah, fuck,” Taehyung moans out softly as Jeongguk releases, opting to move down to his neck instead. His tongue laps at the sensitive skin there, kissing and biting in order to leave proper marks. The older threads his hands in Jeongguk’s hair in response, tugging on the hair harshly. “Fuck, that’s good, Guk.”
“Shut up,” Jeongguk grits, and if this was any other day, Taehyung wouldn’t take it. But Taehyung loves this, loves when Jeongguk completely loses control and succumbs to his dominating personality—the primary reason being that it happens so damn rarely.
“You don’t get to speak after being a fucking brat, babe.” He mutters against the shell of Taehyung’s ear, continuing his ministrations on the older boy’s neck. He was relentless with his marks today, beautifully littering Taehyung’s skin with them.
He eventually returns back to Taehyung’s lips, tilting his head to let their lips mold firmly together again. The room was eerily silent, nothing but the soft wet sounds of their kisses filling the room. A shiver crept down Taehyung’s spine. He made a mental note to make sure he riled Jeongguk up more often.
“Jump,” Jeongguk says against the older’s lips, humming in contentment when Taehyung follows through, wrapping his long legs around the younger’s torso. A little squeak leaves the older’s mouth involuntarily when Jeongguk’s hands move straight to the curve of his ass, grabbing and kneading at the flesh there. “Gonna take you to the bed.”
Jeongguk, a man always true to his word, brings them to the bed, practically throwing Taehyung onto the soft material. He hovers over the vulnerable boy, the desire to kiss him like there was no tomorrow never faltering for even a moment. He practically straddles Taehyung at this point, prodding at the material of the older boy’s shirt. “Take this off, baby.” Jeongguk demands, and Taehyung knows better than to deny, easily complying as he speedily removes the fabric and throws it away.
Jeongguk wastes no time as he kisses and bites down his boyfriend’s torso, painting a gorgeous picture of marks all over the the older’s skin. A feeling akin to love blooms in Taehyung’s chest when he hears him mutter, “You’re so fucking beautiful, Taehyung.”
The older reacts positively to the praise, writhing under Jeongguk in absolute pleasure. Seeing how good his boyfriend was being to him, though, Taehyung had a desire to help the boy he loved too. He wanted to feel the younger, pleasure him and be good for him as best as he can, so it’s not long before Taehyung maneuvers their position, absolutely loving the shocked look on his face as he now straddles Jeongguk. The blue haired boy is practically grinding on Jeongguk now—ass rubbing against the younger’s length, harder and more desperate. The older couldn’t hold his smirk in at Jeongguk’s attempts to withhold his moans, lips biting in bliss.
It was daring, perhaps, and Taehyung thinks he might get absolutely destroyed—but that was the whole point, wasn’t it?
“Holy shit,—” Jeongguk breathes out, needy, “You can’t just stop being a—fuck—brat today huh?”
“I don’t know, Guk, can I?” Taehyung whispers back, enjoying how angry his boyfriend was getting. “Maybe you should put me in my place?”
“You fucker,” The younger whispers before switching their places once more, holding Taehyung’s wrists down again. It hurt like a bitch, with how hard Jeongguk’s grasp was, but Taehyung was living for it. “You’re not getting away with that,” He continues with conviction, whispering the words harshly into the older’s ear.
Taehyung only laughs at this, wanting to see how long he could go before Jeongguk completely snapped. “You think you can handle me?”
“Shut the fuck up, Taehyung,” The younger finally says, harshly flipping Taehyung over so he could grope the latter’s ass. He doesn’t hesitate in his movements now, pulling down the older’s boxers so he was fully nude. If the older had any sense of shame, maybe he’d blush—but he didn’t, and took the exposure in stride.
“Look how pretty my baby is,” Jeongguk continues, the mockery evident in his voice, “Too bad he’s being a brat, hm?”
Taehyung only wiggles his ass in response, knowing he’s done enough to rile the boy up.
“I think,” Jeongguk leans down, pressing his lips delicately to the back of the older’s neck, “Someone deserves a spanking.”
He gives Taehyung no time to react as he slaps his ass, harder than the older expected. Taehyung can’t help it when he moans out, heavily resisting the urge to touch himself. He tries to keep the noises in, but his boyfriend surely wasn’t having any of that today.
“Are we still being cocky, baby?” Jeongguk mutters, voice low, “I wanna hear you, Taehyung. Count.” He finishes, spanking at the older’s flesh once more.
“Two,” Taehyung moans out, losing little of what’s left of his integrity. This wasn’t the first time they’ve done this, definitely not—but he was enjoying every second of it like it was.
“Louder, babe.” The younger reiterates, continuing in his ministrations. Taehyung jolts slightly at the feeling of Jeongguk’s hands against his ass, grunting with every slap.
“Three,” The older breathes out, sounding completely fucked out, just the way Jeongguk liked it. His moans were getting progressively louder, concerning to a point where he thought that everyone else in their apartment building could hear him.
“That’s my good boy,” And even if Taehyung can’t seem him, he knows the younger is smirking, drowning in his dominating persona for the time being.
Jeongguk finishes off his punishment with a couple more spanks, leaving Taehyung squirming in absolute bliss. He was being rough, rougher than normal—and that’s all the older craved for. They hadn’t done anything like this since before the breakup, and Taehyung knew it was much needed for them.
Taehyung feels Jeongguk leaving for a moment, the loss of his presence followed up with questionable sounds of clattering. He eventually returns, the older presuming he came back with a bottle of lube.
He flips Taehyung back overs so the younger could see him.
“Gonna finger you now,” Jeongguk breathes out, slotting himself in between Taehyung’s legs, towards his ass. He’s gentle when he spreads the latter’s cheeks, allowing him more access to his hole—puckered, and lusting to be filled.
He lubes up his fingers quite quickly, pleased when they’re completely covered, glistening. He slowly circulates with two digits before pressing into Taehyung, swallowing any of his moans up with a deep kiss.
“M–more Jeongguk,” Taehyung’s moans were endless, and Jeongguk took it as a cue to add another finger. It felt so damn good with that alone, but it was after a few tentative thrusts of his fingers, all aimed in different directions when Jeongguk finally hit that one bundle of nerves that made Taehyung see stars.
“My baby boy’s enjoying this, huh?” The younger asks, undoubtedly enjoying the way he leaves Taehyung as an absolute mess, if the smirk on his face was anything to go by.
Taehyung can’t find it in him to respond, his voice barely being able to form cohesive words. He rocked back against Jeongguk’s fingers, in line with their thrusts. Taehyung thinks he could probably come like this—just with Jeongguk fingering him so good like this—but he doesn’t want that, so he when he feels himself getting close, he retracts, pleading at the younger to stop.
“M’gonna come if you don’t fuck me now, Guk.” Taehyung moans out, lewd, desperate, and needy.
“Is that so?” Jeongguk responds, ignoring the older’s pleads and increasing the pace at which his fingers were going. “Now, why do you think you deserve my cock after what you did earlier? Hm?”
“Gukkie,” Taehyung gritted out, writhing around the sheets, “Don’t do this. Wanna come with you inside of me.”
“Hm, what was that?” The younger responded, “I don’t know what you want from me, Taehyungie.” He cooes mockingly.
“Fuck,” Taehyung moans out, especially loud when Jeongguk’s fingers curl in on his prostate, “Fuck me please, Guk. Please .”
Jeongguk pauses for a moment, as if contemplating the older’s wishes, before pulling out his digits. “Your wish is my command, babe.”
He strips himself of his sweats and his boxers, stroking himself a couple times before lubing his cock up, prepared to pleasure Taehyung properly. Once he completely bottoms out, he can’t hold himself back, immediately going to thrust in the older with hard and fast movements.
The drag of Jeongguk’s cock along Taehyung’s walls is enough for the older to go absolutely insane. “You’re so tight, Tae. Feel so fucking good.” Jeongguk drawls, and his voice is strained, as if he was the one currently getting completely wrecked.
Jeongguk angles his hips so he hits his prostate every goddamn time—absolutely dying at how beautiful Taehyung looks like this, so dirty and fucked out. His thighs shake as Jeongguk fucks into him harder and harder—and his eyes close in overwhelming pleasure.
“Wanna try something,” The younger says, surprising Taehyung as he lifts him up and presses him against the wall, Jeongguk’s cock never leaving the older’s ass. His hand moves down to grope Taehyung’s butt, squeezing the flesh as he fucks in harder and God, Taehyung’s always wanted to try wall sex (his muscle kink could never be controlled), so he was fucking living for this.
Jeongguk moves Taehyung’s arms to wrap around his own shoulders, giving him support as his cock hits Taehyung’s sweet spot, bringing them both closer and closer to their orgasm.
They make eye contact before Jeongguk swoops in for a messy kiss—teeth clattering and saliva definitely present—but ultimately wholesome. Their lips mould into each other perfectly just as they always do, and Taehyung is reminded on how much he loves the younger boy, how much he’d do for him in a heartbeat.
Jeongguk’s thrusts become more erratic, a little more sloppy and Taehyung knows that both himself and the dirty blonde won’t be able to last much longer, so he’s reaching down to touch himself—his own cock aching for release.
Taehyung’s breaths pierce through the air in a staccato fashion, stuttering as he claws into Jeongguk’s back, getting closer and closer to the edge as they go along.
“Fuck, Gukkie, M’gonna come,” Taehyung barely breaths out before tensing up, releasing harder than he ever had before, his come painting the younger’s torso a pretty white. He can’t process much of what’s going on then, besides Jeongguk’s hands overtaking his job and stroking Taehyung’s cock.
Desperate to achieve his own orgasm, Jeongguk doesn’t stop thrusting into the boy against the wall, overstimulating Taehyung in the best way possible. Taehyung loves the feeling of being used, of his lithe and pliant body being tossed around like it’s nothing. He absolutely lived for it.
Eventually, Jeongguk too, releases, spilling streaks of white inside Taehyung—the older’s body falling against the younger’s in pure exhaustion.
They’re silent for a moment, heavy breathing the only thing really prominent in the room before Jeongguk breaks the tense atmosphere. “Fucking hell, Taehyung.”
Said boy giggles as the younger brings them back to the bed, gently laying the older down on the soft sheets. “Never seen you so riled up before.”
Jeongguk smiles as he presses a quick kiss to Taehyung’s forehead, always eager to show the boy some love before searching for a towel. He quickly retrieves it, cleaning both himself and the older off before sliding into bed with him. “That’s because you made me angry, bun.”
“Was worth it,” Taehyung responds, albeit somewhat sleepily. Sex takes a lot out of him. “I should do that to you more often.”
Jeongguk chuckles in response, pressing more and more kisses all over the boy’s face—happy when Taehyung curls into him, resting his head on the younger’s chest. “Whatever you want, baby.” He mentions, always eager to please. “We probably shouldn’t fall asleep though, we just woke up.”
“Probably,” Taehyung attempts to respond, slowly drifting off into a state of slumber. Jeongguk tightens his grasp around the boy’s waist. “M’glad you’re here, Gukkie.”
“Me too, Tae.” The younger responds, giggling.
“Missed you a lot when you left. Thought you didn’t love me…” Taehyung trails off, hoping his boyfriend understood what he was trying to say. “It was lonely without you. Don’t—” He yawns mid sentence, “—do that again. Please.”
“I love you more than you’ll ever know, baby. Don’t worry about it anymore.” The younger whispers, and it’s the last thing the older hears, before succumbing into the desire of sleep.
He sleeps well, because he knows he’s safe—safe in Jeongguk’s arms, with the knowledge that the boy he loves so much won’t be leaving him ever again.
And that’s all that matters.