Saturday, March 30th, 2019
I feel like a failure a lot. It’s in my seminar mostly. It’s a class designed so that the only way you can participate is by talking, and I cannot talk to save my life. It didn’t used to be this bad. When I was a 1st year, I was able to talk at least once per class, and it seems terribly funny to me that I used to think I was a failure just because I could talk only once a class. Look at me now! This will be my first year where I haven’t talked once in seminar. This is true failure. And I know it’s true failure, I can’t even talk about my inability to talk in class without crying, like the fucking weakling that I am. It’s just talking. How hard can it fucking be?
Kyungsoo really hates parties, but it’s so directly interwoven with the idea of being a high-schooler that he feels almost obligated to come. He feels obligated to drink this shitty beer and he feels obligated to stand at the side and be somewhat social with the rest of the people not dancing. At the very least, his obligation to turn his back on the room and flirt with Joohyun, feels only slightly contrived.
Joohyun smiles indulgently up at him. The way her eyes flick up and down tell him she finds him somewhat attractive, which means he meets the low-standards needed for a hook-up. Kyungsoo leans in closer under the guise of it being too loud. Joohyun reciprocates the action. When he smiles and opens his mouth to speak, two things happen. He feels heat and weight slide onto his back and Joohyun looks up, mouth agape.
When Kyungsoo feels hot breath against his ear, and a crotch shoved firmly against his ass, he doesn’t even flinch. Changed, my ass. He sighs heavily. There’s no way Joohyun’s going to hook-up with him now. If there were actual feelings involved, maybe she’d choose him, but in the realm of hook-ups, he doesn’t even come close to someone like Jongin. He smiles thinly at Joohyun, who’s still staring up at Jongin.
“Do you want a drink?” They’re both holding drinks, but Kyungsoo doubts that Joohyun is paying enough attention to really consider the question. He saw Jongin when he came in: skintight jeans and a muscle tee. Joohyun isn’t thinking straight right now. She nods dumbly. He nods back and peels himself away from the body behind him.
“Aww, are you leaving already, Soo?” Jongin pouts, but Kyungsoo sees the barely repressed amusement. Kyungsoo ignores him and walks off to find Minseok.
Minseok is similarly crowded against the wall by some random 3rdyear, obviously flirting, but when he catches sight of Kyungsoo, he shoos the 3rdyear away to get him a drink. With the 3rdyear gone, Minseok smiles warmly at Kyungsoo.
“Jongin?” He asks sympathetically. It has to mean something that Minseok knows it’s Jongin. Since the party where Jongin had promised Kyungsoo that he changed, Kyungsoo has been obligated (by Minseok) to come to 5 parties, and, each and every single one of those parties resulted in Jongin stealing his hook-up.
“I just want to get laid, Min. Is that too much to ask?”
Minseok nods sympathetically, but Kyungsoo knows that he doesn’t fully get the situation. And how could he? Since breaking up with Junmyeon, Minseok’s been in hook-up heaven, which is good for him. He deserves it after that whole ordeal.
“He just wants to get a rise out of you.”
“And it’s working,” Kyungsoo replies. It shouldn’t be working, but it is. Kyungsoo just wants to make out with someone and Jongin’s getting in the way of that.
“This is going to sound terrible, but you know he only wants you for the chase. If you sleep with him, he’ll leave you alone.”
It’s true. It’s completely 100% true, but there’s two major problems with that solution. One, Baekhyun slept with Jongin, so Kyungsoo can’t. It’s a complete breach of the bro code. Two, Jongin has been a fucking pain in his ass for so long now, Kyungsoo would rather die than do anything that Jongin wants.
“I know I probably don’t have a lot of pride, but what pride I do have, cannot take a blow like that. Sleeping with Jongin is a no go. I just need someone to yell at him, activate his daddy problems, and then he’ll be their problem.”
Minseok points behind Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo doesn’t know why he’s surprised to see that Jongin and Joohyun are making out already. “I don’t think he’ll leave you alone because absolutely no one will do what you did. Joohyun hardly needed any encouragement.”
Kyungsoo’s not sure how reliable Joohyun is as an example. She was just about to make out with him, and Kyungsoo wasn’t trying that hard. But he thinks Minseok’s probably right. “What if I pay someone?”
“I think you should just accept your fate.”
Maybe it’s the realization that he’ll never hook up with anyone at a party again, or maybe it’s the fact that he’s been surrounded by people for 5 hours, but Kyungsoo’s done. He’s going home.
“I’m out for the night.”
Minseok pushes up off the wall. “I’ll come with you.”
“What about,” Kyungsoo only briefly tries to think of the guy’s name, “the kid?”
“I’m not really feeling it. Let’s go.”