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Where Did It All Go Wrong?

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1984

Noel and Liam used to sleep together all the time. Liam would crawl into his 17 year old brother's bed every night when he was sleeping so, it wasn't even an option for Noel to say no. Sometimes, Liam would accidentally wake him though.

 

Liam laid awake in bed, waiting for Noel to fall asleep. He could tell by the way his older brother breathed whether he was conscious or not. He could listen to him breath all night long. Liam had a plan. He was going to kiss his brother in his sleep.

 

He quietly got out of his bed and tiptoed across the room to the bed laying on the opposite side of the room. It wasn't that far, the room was tiny, definitely not fit for two people to share. He tried his best to avoid the creaky floorboard then climbed into the bed. He was worried. What if Noel woke up? What  if he got really mad?

 

Liam got under the sheet then contemplated what he was doing as worry grew in his stomach. Noel looked good though. His mouth was open a little to breath and his hair had fell over his eyes. He needed a haircut.

 

Liam gently kissed Noel's cheek then almost went back to bed but, something was holding him back. Liam pecked him on the lips and Noel didn't respond so, why not do it again? Liam kissed him quickly again, then for a little longer, then he straddled him to kiss him again. It felt good.

 

As Liam continued to kiss him, he opened his eyes. Noel layed there, blushing and hardly able to breath. Liam pulled away again then realised that his brother  had woke up. He was so embarrassed.

 

"I- uh, sorry. Oh my God...", Liam stuttered.

 

He started getting out of the bed.

 

"Wait.", Noel whispered.

 

"Why were ye doin' that?

 

-I dunno...

 

-Tell me.

 

-I just, uh... Wanted to kiss ya..."

 

Liam bit his bottom lip and looked away from his piercing eyes.  The older brother sat up with Liam still straddling his waist and thought for a second.

 

"Well...", he paused. "Yer not very good at it."

 

"Wha?

 

-Kissin'. I uh, could teach you?

 

-How to kiss...?"

 

Noel put a hand on his 12 year old brother's shoulder and leaned in to his face. He froze when he could feel Liam's breath on his lips - then kissed him. He pulled away to see what Liam thought and he was red.

 

"'s that okay?" Noel asked.

 

Liam nodded with a little shy smirk on his face.

 

Noel did it again for longer, letting Liam kiss back. Noel licked Liam's lips for his tongue to enter and Liam let it. They kissed like that for a while then, Noel pulled Liam down onto the bed with him.

 

He held his little brother close and touched his body all over. Little moans escaped their mouths until they were too tired to continue. Liam cuddled up to his big brother and fell asleep with him.

 

Noel was going to regret that so fucking much.

Chapter Text

Sunshine filled the tiny room the boys shared. Liam’s eyes opened first to be blinded by the beams of sunlight hitting him. He didn’t dream that night, his dream came true before he went to sleep and that’s why his mind couldn’t think of anything to play in his mind he thought to himself. Or maybe he’d just forgot his dream already.

 

Liam was in his big brother’s bed, lying facing away from him. Noel’s hand rested on the younger’s hip and his face was pressed against the back of Liam’s neck. What was he supposed to do now? Liam didn’t want to leave Noel’s side because, he was way too comfortable but also because, he needed to know what was up between them. Will Noel just forget about it or did those kisses mean something? He wanted it to mean something. He knew he had something for Noel, even if it felt so weird to him. Liam laid, silently waiting for his brother to wake up. No clouds came to blocked the blazing sun so, Liam rolled over. Noel’s face was right next Liam so when he turned around, their noses touched and only to make matters more awkward, Noel was wide awake and had been when Liam was in deep thought a second ago.

 

“Oh- Mornin’, Noelie.” Liam smiled.

 

Noel pursed his lips when Liam’s eyes lit up at his sight. He felt awkward because of last night.

 

“Mornin’.” He replied as he avoided Liam’s gaze.

 

Noel sat up from his bed and climbed over Liam to go downstairs. The younger brother laid alone for a moment before deciding to follow. The first thing Liam thought was to look out the window to see how the weather was. It was sunny and most likely warm. He then went into the kitchen to see Noel making toast and boiling the kettle.

 

“Where’s Mam to?” Liam asked loudly, sitting down on the counter that Noel was leaning on; waiting for his toast.

 

“She’s gone to Ireland for a week, remember?” Noel yawned.

 

“Oh yeah.” Liam replied.

 

Awkward silence filled the room. Liam knew exactly what he wanted to talk about but, maybe now wasn’t the time. The kettle expelled a cloud of steam before turning off. Noel took the pot to two cups that sat on another counter and poured boiling hot water into them both. The toaster then popped 4 pieces and he started buttering the scorching bread slices.

 

“‘s a nice day out today innit, Noelie?” Liam said.

 

“Yeah, sunny out.” He replied, pouring milk into the tea he was making.

 

“Yeah… Wanna go out?” Liam smiled.

 

“Hm, like where?” Noel asked.

 

Liam swung his legs, hitting his heels on the drawers under the counter with every swing, and looked at the floor, thinking.

 

“We could go to the park?” Liam suggested.

 

Noel shrugged then walked into the living room with a plate and cup. The other cup and plate must be Liam’s so, he took it into the living room with him. He sat next to Noel on the settee and ate his toast.

 

“So, are we going to the park?

 

-I’m too old for the park.

 

-No, you’re not. It’ll be fun.

 

-Okay then.”

 

They finished their breakfast together then got changed and headed to the park. It wasn’t too far away but it was a long-ish walk.

 

★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★

 

Liam squaded down near the lake of the park and watched a flock of ducks swim quickly over to him. Noel stood behind him, taking a cigarette out of it’s carton and trying to light it. Liam reached out to touch one of the little ducks but, they were already swimming away after realising he had no bread with him. He stood back up in disappointment and turned to his older brother who was sucking down a fag.



“Mam’ll be mad that yer still smokin’.

 

-So?”

 

Liam shrugged then looked around for something to do. He realised he was too old for the park too when he saw how disappointing the swings were. There was, however, a small building in the park that sold drinks and food which caught Liam’s attention.

 

“Noelie?” Liam asked in an innocent voice.

 

“Yeah?

 

-Can we get ice cream?”

 

Noel put his hands in his jeans pockets and felt only a single coin.

 

“I only have £1 but, that might be enough for you.” Noel sighed.

 

Liam waited by the lake and watched the ducks fight over a whole slice of bread someone threw into the water until Noel had soon returned with vanilla ice cream on a corn. Liam took it from Noel’s hand quickly to lick off the drizzles of ice cream that melted down the corn.

 

“Can we go for a walk?” Liam asked.

 

Noel nodded. They started to walk into the woods that were inside the park together where there were paths and trails to walk through. There wasn’t anyone in the woods today which was surprising. Liam coyly held Noel’s hand and Noel tighten a grip around Liam’s. It was quiet but, it wasn’t awkward. It was peaceful but, Liam soon piped up.

 

“Do ya want some ice cream?” Liam asked, lifting the corn up to him.

 

“Not after you’ve slobbered all over it.” Noel laughed.

 

“That didn’t matter last night.” Liam muttered under his breath.

 

Noel took a sharp breath and pursed his lips.

 

“You were the one kissin’ me in my sleep.” Noel protested.

 

“Well, you were the one that put yer tongue in my mouth and all that.” Liam said as he continued to lick his ice cream, a blush forming on his face from reminiscing the night.

 

Noel bit his nails.

 

“Can we… do it again…?” Liam asked, the second half almost a whisper.

 

Noel froze and turned to Liam.

 

“If you answer a question, maybe.” Noel stated.

 

The aura felt colder and a lot more tense now. Liam nodded and Noel started walking away from the path and into the trees, Liam following him too. His throat felt tight.

 

“What is it?” Liam asked, needing to know what Noel was going to ask.

 

“Why were you kissing me?” He asked.

 

“I just wanted to…” Liam replied, his gaze trailing away from Noel’s.

 

“That’s not something people just go and do though, Liam. There has to be a reason.” He spat.

 

“Well… I just… I love you, Noelie.” Liam mumbled biting his lip.

 

Noel stared at Liam for a second, grinding his teeth.

 

“What?” Noel asked again.

 

“I-I love you. I have a crush on you for God’s sake!” Liam raised his voice.

 

Both Noel and Liam were breathing heavily and were extremely tense. Noel put his hand on Liam’s jaw and gently stroked his lip with his thumb. Liam blushed and his ice cream was now melting down his knuckles and dripping onto the floor because, all attention fell on Noel. Unexpectedly, Noel’s lips crashed against Liam’s. He dropped the corn of ice cream onto the grass from the shock. Noel rested his hands on Liam’s hips and pushed his tongue into the boys mouth. Liam moaned softly into his mouth just before he pulled away. Liam was completely red in the face and his face turned redder after Noel full-force slapped him in the face.

 

“Ouch!!” Liam screamed. “Why’d ye do that!?”

 

“Because, yer fucking with my head, Liam!” Noel retorted. “This is wrong. I don’t love you.”

 

Liam finished licking the warm ice cream off his fingers then throwned and his lip started to quiver after hearing what Noel had said to him. Tears built up in his eyes. Noel tried to think whether he’d comfort Liam or slap him again. Noel pulled Liam closer to him and hugged him close.

 

“Sorry.” Noel whispered into his brother’s neck.

 

“Do ye love me? In that way…?” Liam asked.

 

Noel exhaled.

 

“It’s complicated, Liam…” Noel mumbled. “Ye know how messed up this is, don’t ya?

 

-Yeah but, well… It doesn’t matter.”

 

Noel pulled away from Liam and rubbed the red mark he left on his brother’s face.

 

“Let’s go home.” Noel sighed.

 

★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★

 

That vibe followed them home. Noel unlocked the front door for Liam then they sat on the settee together. The older brother switched the TV on and surfed through the channels. He left it on the news and sighed.

 

“Liam, I think we need to talk.” Noel stated sternly, trying to act as an adult in this mess.

 

Liam pursed his lips and looked around, thinking about how he could avoid the conversation but, he eventually noded. The tables have turned. Liam just wanted to forget about it for tonight but, Noel didn’t. He thought Noel was mad at him. Noel didn’t quite know what to say.

 

“If anyone ever found out I kissed ya like that… I’d get in so much trouble, RKid.

 

-It’s not like I was going to tell anyone. I’m not stupid.

 

-I know but- It just gets me so nervous, Liam.”

 

Liam looked at the floor then up at Noel, who kept his eyes on the TV.

 

“Stop watchin’ tha’ telly.” Liam demanded, putting his hand on Noel’s thigh.

 

Noel turned his head and Liam pulled his brother by the collar down until their lips touched. Liam kissed Noel much gentler than Noel did to him. He loosened his grip on Noel’s collar but, Noel didn’t pull away. Noel pushed his brother down onto the sofa and continued kissing him and touching his body while he leaned over him on his knees. Noel pulled his lips away from Liam’s but, kept his forehead against Liam’s and his eyes stayed shut.

 

“Liam?” Noel said in a questioning tone like he wasn’t sure if Liam was the one in front of him.

 

“Yeah, Noelie?” Liam replied.

 

Noel paused for a second before replying.

 

“...I love you.” He exhaled, starting to kiss Liam again.

 

Liam closed his eyes again and smiled, which Noel felt. Noel had a sinking feeling in his stomach though because, it felt so wrong. But, it felt so good too. And Noel wanting to do this to his brother and feeling good made it even worse. That feeling would go away eventually, he thought to himself.

 

Noel got down from his knees and laid between Liam’s legs, grinding his crotch lightly against him. Well, Noel didn’t even realise he was doing it until Liam gasped.

 

“Yer-” Noel cut him off.

 

“Sorry.” Noel gasped.

 

“No, I was jus’ shocked. ‘s fine…” Liam mumbled.

 

“Yer 12, Liam.” He said sitting up. “I’m messed up.”

 

Noel stood and went upstairs, leaving Liam in the living room alone. It must be hard being older, Liam though. This wasn’t that complicated to him. When your in love with someone who loves you, you make them your girlfriend or boyfriend. That was all in the mind of a 12 year old though and he didn’t have those kind of morals. To feel disgusted in himself. However, Liam never felt sick for loving Noel even when he was an adult but, that was another story. This whole situation gave Noel sleepless nights though.

 

Liam heard the shower running upstairs.

Chapter Text

1986

They didn’t talk about it for the rest of the day. They didn’t talk about it for over two years. Liam didn’t want to make Noel sad because, he saw what that mess did to him. Liam was 15 now and Noel 20; with a girlfriend and soon to move out. And because so much time had passed, Noel assumed Liam forgot about it and that stupid crush was no more. That wasn’t quite right though, was it? Liam was aching for Noel’s lips again and so did Noel. They were about to break.

 

The brothers were about to go to sleep. Noel was brushing his teeth and Liam was faffing about with his hair in the mirror of the upstairs bathroom. Noel looked over at Liam’s reflection a couple times while he finished brushing his teeth.

 

“D’ya think my hair looks good like tha’?” Liam asked, keeping his eyes on his reflection then looking at Noel’s when he didn’t reply. “Well?”

 

“Mm.” He mumbled with his toothbrush still in his mouth as he stared at Liam.

 

Liam was much different now than back in 1984. He’d hit puberty when he was 13 and God, was he turning into sexiest thing Noel’d ever seen. He acted more grown up now as well. It’s like he wasn’t a child anymore. Liam was trying to make Noel interested in him again as well.

 

Liam exhaled. Noel’s reply showed he didn’t care, Liam thought. Noel spat in the sink and went to their bedroom - Liam following. They laid in their own beds with only a lamp lighting the room.

 

“Can I… Sleep with ye, Noel?” Liam asked. He hadn’t slept in Noel’s bed since that night.

 

“No.” Noel said sternly.

 

Noel turned their lamp off and darkness filled the room. They laid in silence for a second before Liam spoke again.

 

“Noel.” Liam whispered. “Remember when we…”

 

He paused for a second, rethinking what he was going to say. He didn’t want to upset Noel but, he needed to talk about this again. For his own sanity.

 

“Remember when we kissed…?” Liam asked quietly.

 

Again, there was silence. Noel didn’t reply.

 

“Noel?” He said again. “I know you’re not sleeping.”

 

Liam laid for a while and thought. He was going to make that first night they kissed happen again. The younger brother crawled out of the bed and stood by the side of Noel’s bed, just looking at him for a second. You could tell he was awake by the way he was breathing; Liam could tell anyway. The sheets on Noel’s bed were pulled down to his hip and Liam made himself comfortable in his brother’s bed. Liam bit his lip, hesitating, then nuzzled into the crook of Noel’s neck. The older brother took a sharp breath but, tried to keep himself calm. Liam wrapped his arms around Noel and started kissing his neck. Noel’s breathing sped up so, Liam continued.

 

Liam wasn’t done with just kissing his body. After waiting for so long, he needed more. He pulled away from Noel’s necks and got more comfortable. He put his knee between Noel’s legs and rubbed his bare chest. Liam was not being gentle in the slightest because, Noel was awake and he wasn’t going to pretend he didn’t know that. He slid his hand down towards Noel’s members slowly and hesitantly then felt his hardness. Liam froze for a second and Noel had held his breath.

 

“See.” He whispered, his hot breath hitting Noel’s ear. “I know you’re awake and… you still- you want sommat from me, don’t ya.”

 

Noel pursed his lips, his eyes still closed as he continued his façade.

 

“Noel.” He whispered angrily. “Fuck sake.”

 

Liam pulled his hand away and laid silently next to Noel until he closed his eyes and went to sleep. That pissed him off.

 

★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★

 

Noel woke up before Liam and started to instantly feel sick when he saw him lying next to him, remembering the night before. He’d gotten out of bed when he felt that Liam fell asleep and masturbated in the bathroom to relieve himself, thinking about his little brother the whole time. That made him feel really sick.

 

He got out of bed even though he was still tired and went downstairs for breakfast - if Liam wasn’t in his bed he’d probably go back to sleep - but as soon as he made it to the kitchen, he realised he couldn’t eat so, he sat down on the settee and watched the TV. Shortly after he found a decent channel, he fell asleep anyway. Again, he slept dreamlessly and woke up with Liam with him. Liam had brought a blanket from upstairs and wrapped him and his brother in it. Noels neck ached from the way he slept making him groan and squirm to alleviate the soreness in his body but, that also woke up his younger sibling.

 

“Get off-” Liam interrupted him.

 

“’m still mad with ye.” He said plainly.

 

Noel stretched with his brother’s head still resting on his chest and groaned.

 

“Fer what?” He asked, puzzled.

 

“‘Cause ye fuckin’ ignored me, twat.” Liam spat.

 

Liam turned his head and dug his face into Noel’s chest and Noel felt his warm breath again. Liam was livid with Noel but, now his heart ached knowing that Noel didn’t really pay much attention.

 

“Okay, what?” Noel exhaled.

 

Liam didn’t reply and Noel started to feel wetness where Liam’s face laid. Liam’s breathing was a little louder too.

 

“Liam, c’mon.” Noel exhaled.

 

“Why’re ye so awkward…?” Liam cried, muffled in the blanket and Noel’s chest.

 

“How am I awkward?” Noel spat. “This really needs to stop, Jesus.”

 

“Why?” Liam sobbed then sat up to look Noel in the eyes. “I know ye feel the same, what’s stoppin’ ya?”

 

Noel looked away from his brother’s teary eyes and looked up blankly at the white ceiling. He couldn’t deal with these feelings anymore and he could obviously see Liam couldn’t either. What was wrong with them?

 

“We’re brothers! We’re fucking related!” Noel said, raising his voice.

 

“Yeah, and so what?! I don’t care! I wouldn’ care if the whole world knew I love ye!” Liam said louder.

 

“Liam- Just shut up.” Noel sighed.

 

“Can we just be together…?” Liam sort of whispered.

 

It was absurd, taboo, wrong, and they both wanted it but, Noel couldn’t help thinking about the countless things that could go horribly because of it. It was illegal for a reason, fuck sake.

 

“But, what if, I don’t know, ye regret it?

 

-I won’t.

 

-And what if someone found out?

 

-They won’t. Please.”

 

Neither of them spoke.

 

“Okay.” Noel replied.

 

Liam wiped his eyes and looked at Noel’s dry pursed lips before planting a quick kiss on them. Noel couldn’t bring himself to look at Liam because, he already felt sicker than he did in the morning; in the stomach and the head. This wasn’t happening, it was a sick dream- a nightmare, Noel thought. Maybe, he needed to change his mentality on it. Maybe, this was not meant to be and it was wrong. But when Noel could forget about what everyone else would think, him and Liam felt like the most right thing in the world, like it was the only thing they were meant for. Like their purpose was to be together. That’s how he needed to think about it. That calmed the reasoning in his stomach that made him feel frail.

 

★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★

 

A few hours passed and Liam and Noel spent it watching TV, still under the thick blanket but now, cuddling and more relaxed to be in eachothers presents. They chatted throughout the programs they watched as they were more invested in each other. Noel was still a little hesitant though.

 

“How come ye fancy me then? I mean, ya have a girlfriend, don’t ya?

 

-I don’t know, Liam.”

 

Noel was with Louise at the time and this did count as cheating, didn’t it? That was the least of his concerns right now but, he did love Louis a lot; that’s why Noel’s moving into a flat with her of course. He also felt that it was a way of getting away from Liam but, he was trying to accept Liam into his life in that way now anyway. Liam was also unaware of Noel’s plans to move.

 

“Always thought ye were gay, man.

 

-’m not. I have a girlfriend who I love.”

 

Liam didn’t like that comment at all.

 

“And a boyfriend.” Liam said bitterly.

 

“I guess.” Noel replied.

 

Liam kissed his big brother roughly, jealousy, as he laid on him and Noel put his fingers in Liam’s hair as he kissed back. Liam pulled away with a smirk on his face. His hands made their way to the elastic of Noel’s boxers, his eyes following then, he looked back up curiously at Noel. Noel shook his head and pushed Liam’s hands away.

 

“It’s too soon.” Noel spoke and Liam sighed.

 

He was happy enough knowing that he was courting Noel. They had a lot of obstacles in front of them but, amazing times too.

Chapter Text

Liam has been enjoying the attention Noel’s been giving him. Noel’s enjoyed giving it to him, despite the thoughts running through his mind. This mess wasn’t as bad as Noel had expected it to be. Peggy was soon to return from Ireland after the week she’d spent with family. The brothers spent most of the week together at home, sometimes doing normal things brothers do like playing football, and sometimes cuddling in bed or on the settee, chatting and kissing.

 

“I reckon we should push our beds together.” Liam suggested.

 

He was laying on Noel’s bed, squished between Noel’s arms, listening to Noel’s records. The older brother’s single bed was far too small for the both of them to lay in. It wasn’t too bad when Liam was small but, he’d grown a lot during those two years he’d spent in his own bed. The thought of the two of them sharing a double bed seemed beneficial to Noel but also, exposing. Mam would have many questions, he though.

 

“No, what would Mam think?” Noel laughed as if Liam was ludicrous

 

“Dunno.” He said. “Nowt. She wouldn’ care, man.”

 

He held Liam closer than before, planting a kiss on the back of his brother’s neck.

 

“This is fine, ain’t it?” Noel smiled and closed his eyes, relaxing.

 

“Yeah. ‘s just a bit cramped, ye know?” Liam replied.

 

They didn’t speak until the final song on ‘The Queen Is Dead’ ended and Noel had to get up and put the record back in its sleeve. Liam stretched his cramped back and looked up at the ceiling. He wished Noel would stop caring about what people thought, he was overthinking it.

 

“Mam should be home in a bit.” Noel said.

 

Liam didn’t reply but, exhaled. He knew when she was back, his big brother would hardly touch him. Noel sat down on his bed, crossed his legs, and looked down at his lap, twiddling with his fingers. Liam sat up and raised an eyebrow.

 

“Ye alright?” Liam asked.

 

“Yeah.” He replied and paused for a brief second. “I’m moving out next week, by the way.”

 

The sudden lack of music and news that just arised gave the atmosphere a sickly feel.

 

“With Louise.” Liam said, staring blankly at the bed covers. He didn’t even ask, he knew.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Liam looked up at Noel with pure acrimony in his eyes.

 

“Why?!” Liam shouted.

 

This wasn’t expected. He thought Liam would've just cried and made him feel bad. Liam was livid though.

 

“What? Why-? What do you mean “Why?”, Liam?” Noel said angrily.

 

“Yer messin’ with me, man!” Liam yelled. “Stop fucking with me!”

 

“She’s my girlfriend, Liam.

 

-And I’m just a piece of shit to you.

 

-No, it’s not like that and ye know it’s not like that.

 

-I don’t know what it’s like anymore!!”

 

Liam pounced at Noel, clenching his fists and attacking with all his force. Noel pushed his arms away at first but, he swung again straight away. His fist landed on Noel’s nose, drawing blood and agony instantly. Noel shielded his nose with his hands and groaned in pain. He stood up immediately just in case Liam attacked again which he did earning him a punch in the head from his older brother.

 

“Fuckin’ get off me, cunt!” Noel yelled at Liam before he stood up and tried to tackle Noel.

 

Noel, being much stronger, pushed Liam back onto the bed and wiped his nose with his sleeve. Liam had so many emotions running through his head. He bursted into tears as he sat back up to charge again. Why would he move in with her if they were together? It didn’t add up in his naive mind. Noel pushed him back onto the bed and made sure he wouldn’t get up again by pinning him. Liam struggled and sobbed.

 

“Shh! Shut up!” Noel demanded.

 

He gripped Liam’s arms tighter as he tried to calm him but, that obviously didn’t work. He didn’t necessarily want to hurt Liam because, he understood how moving away hurt Liam. This was, infact, exactly why he didn’t want this thing with Liam. It wasn’t allowed. It would be hard to keep him pleased. And Noel didn’t want every single thing he did with Louis to result in this hissyfit Liam was having. He knew this secret relationship was going to rip Liam’s heart to shreds.

 

“Calm the fuck down, Liam.” He violently whispered.

 

Liam continued to battle and Noel’s bloody nose started to drip on his top. Liam stopped struggling, wanting Noel to just get off of him.

 

“Okay, get off.” He said.

 

Noel hesitated for a second but, Liam seemed like he wouldn’t hit him anymore. He sat back up and Liam rolled onto his side.

 

“Stop crying.” Noel sighed.

 

“It seems like all we do is argue.” Liam said calmly.

 

“Exactly. This is what I meant when I said you’d regret it.

 

-Okay.

 

-Liam-

 

-Just feels like you’re trying to make us argue.”

 

Noel was regretting being in a relationship with Liam in this moment. And it was definitely too late to go back, Noel thought. He put a hand on his little brother’s thigh.

 

“Ya’ll understand one day, Our Kid.” Noel said.

 

Maybe Liam was being harsh. And Noel wouldn’t let this continue if Liam kept being overdramatic, would he? Noel couldn’t hang around in his mother’s house for the rest of his life either, Liam thought. He just didn’t like how Noel loved her so, he obviously didn’t want Noel hanging around with her more than him. Liam rolled onto his back and looked into Noel’s eyes. He raised his hand and wiped his bloody nose, smearing it across his face a little.

 

“Sorry.” Liam said, sitting up.

 

He wiped off the blood on his fingers on his already bloody top then, decided to just take it off. Sheepishly, he handed it to Noel so he could hold it to his nose, feeling his gaze dart to his bare chest. Liam laid back down and when the bleeding seemed to stop, Noel laid next to him. The younger boy rolled onto his brother and pushed his forehead against the others before closing his eyes and kissing his lips.

 

“Mam’ll be back soon.” Noel almost whispered.

 

“I know, ye said” Liam replied.

 

“I mean any minute-” Liam interrupted by kissing him again.

 

Noel put his hands on his brother’s cheeks and gently pushed his head away. Liam frowned, knowing Noel wouldn't do anything like this until their mother was away again. Maybe, they’d have more alone time because, Noel was moving. Or maybe his brother’s girlfriend would get in the way.

 

“C’mon, Liam. Up ye get.” Noel said.

 

There was so much conflict.

 

★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★

 

Noel went downstairs after his fight with Liam and the younger sibling had followed. After watching around half an hour of TV - sitting normally and not wrapped in each other’s arms - Peggy arrived home and hugged them to death before making dinner. This would be the first time for them to eat at the table together after a week and not dine on microwave meals in the living room. The brothers sat opposite at the table and waited in silence until, Peggy started a conversation, arriving with two plates.

 

“How was you two’s week, them?” She asked, returning again with another plate and sitting next to Liam.

 

Both mumbled an “Alright”.

 

“What did ye both do?” She then asked.

 

“Nowt, jus’ sittin’ about.” Noel said, pushing his broccoli around his plate with a fork. “I’m movin’ in with Louise next week.”

 

His mother was happy to hear that and most of their dinner discourse centred around that as Liam sat silently. Jealousy built up in his throat but, he didn’t want to cause another argument. When everyone finished eating, Liam just wanted to lay in bed again.

 

★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★

 

Noel picked up his guitar and started tuning it while Liam laid on his own bed.

 

“Thanks for not gettin’ mad earlier” Noel praised Liam, acknowledging his distaste on the topic of him moving.

 

“‘s alright, Noelie” He replied.

 

A smile appeared on Noel’s face hearing Liam call him that. He hadn’t been called that in a while. He sat on the floor near Liam’s bed and leaned on it as he started strumming random chords. Liam sat up and laid on his belly, his head near Noel’s and listening to him play. Liam liked listening to Noel play. Yes, it gets annoying when he plays at night while everyone tries to sleep but, he was certainly good at it. Liam liked the songs he wrote too, he was talented. Suddenly, after Liam’s trance from listening to the guitar, he noticed Noel was scribbling into a little notebook. All the chords he thought sounded good together were written down in his book.

 

“Ya writin’ a song?” Liam pondered.

 

“I guess.” Noel replied.

 

“Can I look at that notebook thing?” Liam asked.

 

“No.” Noel continued to strum.

 

“Please~” Liam pleaded.

 

Noel closed the pad and slid it under his bottom, knowing Liam would snatch it from him. In fact, Noel knew his brother would read the lyrics he wrote and laugh at him because, they were so obviously about the little bastard. That’s what he thought anyway. The fact of the matter was, Liam had already snooped through the book many times before.

 

“I like "It's A Crime".” Liam smiled.

 

And from that, Noel turned crimson and turned his face as far away from Liam’s as possible while the younger snickered.

 

“I do like it.” He reassured. “Is it about me?”

 

“No.” Noel laughed, even though it was.

 

“Well, Louise doesn’t have blue eyes.” Liam smirked.

 

“‘S not about either of ya” Noel argued.

 

Still feeling embarrassed, Noel put his guitar back and threw the notebook in his drawer before laying in his bed. He reached over to switch off the lamp on his drawer. Instantly, Liam was up and making his way to Noel’s bed; climbing over to lay on top of him. Liam buried his face into Noel t-shirt and inhaled.

 

“Why’re ya sniffin’ me?” Noel sneered.

 

“Ye smell nice?” Liam replied, muffled in the fabric.

 

Noel rolled onto his side and Liam almost fell off the bed. He put his arm around Noel and gripped him tightly. His older brother pulled him closer until their hips were touching and noses were inches apart. They were silent for a moment, looking into each others eyes until, Liam spoke.

 

“I love ya, Noelie.” Liam said.

 

“Love ye too.” Noel replied, putting his fingers in Liam’s hair.

 

Noel pushed Liam’s head towards his own and planted a little kiss on his lips.

 

The fights were hard to deal with but, it was worth it for the moments they spent embracing each other and loving each other.

Chapter Text

It felt like a second had passed since Noel announced he was moving but, there he was. A few, not very many, boxes were stored in the back of one of his friends van which he was borrowing. Two of the boxes were just filled to the brim with Noel’s record collection. The Beatles, The Smiths, The Roses, and so on. His guitar was thrown in the back too with only a wooden case protecting them. The rest was just clothes and bits ‘n’ bobs.

 

That week that seemed to fly past was good. All attention was on Liam because, Noel knew he’d need it. Liam found solace in pretending they had the rest of their lives together in the little Burnage home so, when the time came to say “goodbye”, he felt like everything he knew was being stripped away from him without warning. It wasn’t the end of Noel and Liam for eternity though. He knew he could visit his new flat whenever he pleased; maybe not whenever but, Liam didn’t care. It was going to be different though and Liam didn’t like change if it wasn’t going to make life easier.

 

The younger brother sat on his bed, waiting for Noel to come back from loading his last box into the van. It’s not that far. Noel still lives close. He could run that through his mind a million times, but that didn’t really change how he’d miss falling asleep next to him, listening to him breath.

 

“Hey.” Noel spoke, entering the room.

 

Liam’s head jolted up. He was already in his coat, ready to go.

 

“Alright?” Liam exhaled.

 

“God, Liam.” He chuckled. “Sound like yer about to kill yerself.”

 

Liam shuffled where he sat before standing up and walking over to his brother.

 

“Just gonna miss ye livin’ here, man.” Liam said.

 

“I’m gonna miss livin’ here too.” Noel confessed, resting his hands on his brother’s shoulders. “I’m gonna visit a lot too though.”

 

His hands shifted down to Liam’s back and he was soon holding him tightly in an embrace.

 

“Love ya’” Liam whispered.

 

★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★

 

His flat was empty and white except the living room which had a telephone and an old beaten up sofa just for the time being and a double bed in the bedroom. It reminded him of a hospital or some other overly sanitary place but, that vibe wouldn’t last long after Noel was done with the place. At least he didn’t have to go out and buy furniture and decor. That was Louise’s job since she seemed to enjoy it so much and anyway, she couldn’t trust Noel to pick out colours and wallpapers she liked. Noel threw his things in the bedroom, walked to the living room and stood silently in the off-white room.

 

All the excitement of getting out of Burnage had died down and it was just a lot of hard labour to be done to make it a home.

 

★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★

 

Week one without Noel felt like hell on Earth to Liam. This was truly his punishment for sinning, he though. Not only was it boring but, the thought of Noel possibly enjoying being so far away did as little as annoy him. Despite that, Noel was yearning for Liam’s touch; even just his voice. Noel didn’t like it. It didn’t feel like home. Louise was already visiting family, leaving him alone for ages. The phone felt like it was drawing him in. Suddenly, he found himself typing a familiar number. The number he’d always called when he felt lost and lonely.

 

“Hello?” A woman spoke with an Irish accent.

 

“Hiya, Mam.” Noel smiled, sitting on the wooden floor.

 

Peggy could only start droning on about how she already missed him and how she hoped he was okay.

 

“Mhm, ‘s Liam there?” He asked ignorantly.

 

“Yes, I’ll get him for you” She said.

 

Noel twirled the phone’s wire, now anxious to hear his voice, what mood he’s in, his reaction. The muffle of the phone being passed on could be heard then an upbeat “Hello”.

 

“Hey.” Noel mumbled.

 

“Ya alright?” Liam asked.

 

“Yeah.” Noel again mumbled.

 

It’s a confusing phone call, Liam thought. There’s no reason Noel called, he just sounded bored. Liam didn’t care for why he called though, he was just happy Noel had called already.

 

“What’re ye doin’?” Liam wondered.

 

“Jus’ sortin’ some stuff like furniture.” He replied.

 

It seemed that Noel missed him already. What seemed to be an annoying naggy voice in the past was so familiar to him and now it’s gone. He wouldn’t admit to disliking the place already though.

 

“Need any help?” Liam asked, expecting a no.

 

“Not really.” Noel thought “Ye can come ‘round fer tea if ya like.”

 

“Yeah, course!” Liam grinned.

 

“Alright, catch a train.” Noel smiled.

 

And after a few “goodbyes” and “I love yous”, Liam hung up and rushed up the stairs to change a pamper himself. A nice shirt, jeans, and so much deodorant, you’d choke, then he was ready. In seconds, he shouted “m goin’ out!” to his mother and ran out the front door, grabbing his parka and wallet.

 

Meanwhile, Noel tidied a little (kicked clothes and clutter to the corner) and changed out of his pyjamas into an old jumper and jeans. For a second, he paused and wondered if he even had anything to make for him and Liam. Chips and fish fingers was good enough, it’s not like food was really the reason his little brother was visiting.

 

★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★

 

Liam stood at the front door of the flats, full of anticipation. He rang the buzzer labeled ‘2’ and waited for an answer, hoping he’d gotten the right address. The door seemed to unlock and he pushed it open then, ran up the stairway until he made it to the top floor where Noel lived. He knocked on the door and was greeted by a familiar face.

 

“Alright, our kid?” Noel smiled.

 

Liam hugged his brother tightly, digging his face into Noel’s neck. He pulled away and kissed him passionately on the lips to Noel’s shock.

 

“Liam, not out here.” Noel pushed.

 

They walked inside and sat on the settee together. There was now a TV in the room and a lot more.

 

“Where’s yer girlfriend ‘en?” Liam asked with a sly tone.

 

“Visiting family.” Noel shrugged switching on the TV by the remote.

 

What a stupid idea. Why would he invite Liam over for ‘tea’ when his intentions were actually so morbid. They’re really addicted to each other and it was only now becoming apparent to Noel. It’s not like Liam was being forced into anything at least. In actuality, Liam was worse because, he saw no consequences in their actions.

 

“How long?” Liam asked, eyes widened as an idea popped into his head.

 

“Not long.” Noel shuffled. “Back tomorrow.”

 

Liam pursed his lips hoping it would be longer. It’s okay, he thought. They had tonight and that was good enough for him now, although he’d feel like he was being torn apart again by the end of the night. The atmosphere wasn’t pleasant and they needed to talk.

 

“Just gonna watch the telly…?” Liam mumbled, crossing his arms.

 

“No, Liam.” Noel sighed, turning to him.

 

They stared at each other for a moment before Noel placed his hand on Liam’s thigh.

 

“Missed you, our kid.” Noel spoke sincerely.

 

“Yeah. I thought you would.” He replied.

 

Liam shuffled closer to him and put his forehead against Noel’s.

 

“Missed you too.” Liam smiled, closing his eyes.

 

It felt calmer. Their whole world was switching between storm and sunshine. It was good now but, only God knew when it would be rainy again. Liam pushed his lips against Noel’s once again and this time he complied. They held each other for a good while before Noel pulled away and tugged him onto his lap. Liam began to kiss him again and all the tension between them melted away. Soon, Noel’s hand was resting on his brother’s hip and eventually found it’s way Liam’s t-shirt, rubbing his back. He jolted up and gasped against Noel’s lips from his cold touch but it weirdly aroused the guitarist; the way he could solicit that kind of a reaction.

 

“I’ve missed kissing you, loads.” Liam whispered between kisses.

 

“Hasn’t been that long.” Noel replied.

 

“I know but… after that week we spent together, we were so close then, nothing…” Liam sighed.

 

“It’ll be like that.” He said.

 

“Let’s make this count then.” Liam pulled away.

 

He looked Noel in the eyes, trying to read if this was okay to do, and hovered his hands over his brother’s crotch. He knew Noel would retaliate but, at least he would’ve tried. But, he didn’t stop him. Noel removed his hand from the younger’s back and he sat up straight sheepishly.

 

“Okay.” Noel said, his gaze directly on Liam’s hands.

 

He held Liam’s hips again and pursed his lips anxiously. It was pointless trying to keep them from the inevitable since Liam would never stop trying and he himself would never stop wanting it to happen. It only ended in discourse and pain so why not let it happen.

 

Slowly, Liam unzipped and unbuttoned Noel’s jeans then dove his hand into his brother’s boxers. Instantly, all of the nerves in Noel’s body reacted to his touch, like a shockwave throughout him. He gasped and tightened his grip on Liam’s hips. Without hesitation, Liam’s hand was loosely wrapped around Noel’s shaft, jerking back and forth, producing such a reaction. Whilst Liam was in awe of what he was doing, he hardly noticed Noel’s hand move to his own zipper.

 

“C-can I-” Noel stuttered.

 

“Yeah.” Liam breathed.

 

Soon, Noel’s hand was in Liam’s trousers making him producing the most obscene of noises that could slip from his little brother’s lips. His chest felt tight but, he couldn’t stop. It was something like this he’d lusted for in a long time. Without any further hesitation, Liam exposed Noel’s manhood and gazed in awe at how thick and firm it truly looked from his touch. His brain was overloaded with so many feelings and so much pleasure, pleasure he’d never felt before, that he burst within minutes, spoiling his trousers and making him practically scream. Not long after, Noel did the same and as soon as he calmed down from that high his stomach felt like it was doing flips while brother caught his breath in his arms. Despite Liam’s moans and consent, he needed him to say something. Anxiety filled his entire being from how unsure he felt about what he’d done. He couldn’t tell if he liked it or disliked it but one thing he could decide was that he didn’t regret it. Noel must have liked it, he did, and that’s what made him hate every second of it when reminiscing.

 

“Mmh…” Liam groaned, lifting his head from his brother’s shoulder. “I can’t believe we just did that.”

 

Noel took a sharp breath before Liam showed him a smirk. Of course Liam enjoyed how fucked and deviant it was, he was that kind of person. He pecked this older brother’s lips then stood, his zipper still undone.

 

“Can I ‘ave a shower?” Liam asked.

 

Of course he said yes but knowing Liam, he’d want Noel to join him in the bathroom. However, Noel was debating whether he should ask Liam to leave or not. Again he though, why resist? Liam’s happy, he’s happy when he’s not worrying. Maybe it was time for him to suppress his worries again, he was certainly having a better time when he could just love Liam with no feelings of remorse. It’s not like being self aware made it okay to do what he’s doing to Liam and it’s already far too late to turn back.

 

★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★

 

Eventually, Liam was done showering, had his fill of fish fingers, and was now spending his last few minutes at Noel’s. Would his plan of staying the night carry out?

 

“It’s gettin’ late.” Noel began.

 

“Yeah, kinda dark out. Should I just stay the night?” Liam asked. “More time together and more importantly, I’m nice and safe with you.”

 

“No, Liam.” Noel sighed, expecting Liam to attempt this. “It’s really not that dark.”

 

“Why can’t I stay?” Liam frowned.

 

“Remember I said Louis is back tomorrow; early as well.” Noel replied.

 

“Noe-” Liam was interrupted.

 

“Don’t be stubborn and ruin the day.” Noel raised his voice.

 

Liam sighed loudly, stomping over towards Noel then hugging him. They shared a short, sweet kiss before Liam headed towards the door.

 

“Love ya, Noelie.” Liam smiled.

 

“Love ye too. Be safe, Man.” Noel replied.

 

As soon as the door closed, Noel collapsed onto the settee and let out the biggest sigh. At Least he had a lot to think about whilst lying awake in bed at night. He’d made his point earlier. Panicking about him and Liam’s thing wasn’t going to keep it from being a sin. The only way he’s going to stop it from being a sin is to stop seeing it as one and stop acting like it was one.