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Love Is The Worst Form Of Self Destruction

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jimin knows he has shitty luck. he’s had shitty luck since he met them, young and naive and hopelessly in love.

not that the last part still isn’t true.

but he’s 23 now, older than he was so long ago, and should be able to control his feelings. but just because he should be able to doesn’t mean he can, because if he would he could. despite what hoseok thinks, he’s not particularly fond of breaking his own heart over and over.

there was a time when the three of them were inseparable, linked by hands even when taehyung and jungkook started dating during freshman year in college. he remembers how painful it was the first time he came to the realization they would never love him back.

he avoided them for a week under the pseudonym that he got sick. of course, they tried visiting him like the amazing best friends they were (emphasis on friends) but he begged yoongi to keep them away, and yoongi always had a soft spot for him.

after that, he was determined to get rid of his feelings, because he just wanted to live without constantly being dragged down by his thoughts and pining. but because he was jimin, it didn’t go his way. and he sat there, silently, each time his best friends kissed and stared at each other with the fondest gazes imaginable.

he helped them, too, whenever they needed advice on their significant other. each time, taehyung or jungkook thanked him, but as soon as they left he stumbled to yoongi and namjoon’s with tears in his eyes. he remembers the disappointed look namjoon would always give him, silently begging him to let go. as if he didn’t try.

namjoon apparently decided that if he couldn’t do it, seokjin might. he remembers the talk seokjin had tried to give him, and how it ended with them both hopelessly sobbing, one for unrequited love, and the other for his friend.

he’s always felt horrible thinking it, but sometimes he can’t help but imagine how good he would be to them. how wonderful he would treat them, because they deserve the world. jimin wasn’t certain of much-his mind too scattered and his heart already bleeding far too much to be concerned in other things. but he was certain that he loved them both much more than they could possibly love each other. he loved them first.

he tries not to think how unfair it was. but every night, before he would fall asleep, it would repeat like a chant in his head-i loved them first. i loved them first. i fucking loved them first. and he did.

ever since he was young, he loved taehyung. but as soon as he learned what being in love meant, and the concept of a boyfriend, that’s all he wanted with taehyung. and then when he met the large-eyed boy who was much louder than he seemed, he fell in love with him, too.

the most painful though, above all else, is the what if? what if he had confessed first? what if he confessed to taehyung in freshman year when he realized what he felt for the other boy was far greater than friendship? would he get taehyung?

he lets these thoughts torture him, ripping his heart apart until he feels like he can’t breathe and his vision is swimming.

he dealt with it for three years (despite loving for far, far longer) until his 21st birthday. that’s when it happened.


he walked in his extra bedroom during the party and found taehyung and jungkook there, fucking.

he hid in his room the rest of the night until yoongi lured him out with promises they left.

he distanced himself as much as possible after that, not answering texts or calls. he made up excuses so he wouldn’t have to see their faces.

of course, there were times when he caved. of course there was. there’s no greater pain than being separated from the ones you love.

except them not loving you back.

the last time jimin saw taehyung and jungkook was five months ago, at seokjin and namjoon’s wedding ceremony.

and now. a wedding invitation, with him requesting to be best man.

he has to go. he owes them that. it’s not his fault he fell in love with them, and it’s not their fault he can’t control his own fucking feelings.

so despite everyone’s warnings and concerned looks, he buys a fitting tux and shows up an hour early the day of, just as requested.

and now here he is. facing jungkook as he stands nervously, hands twisting at his front as the doors open and a wedding theme begins humming. taehyung begins walking down the aisle, dressed in a white suit compared to jungkook’s black, and looking more beautiful than jimin’s ever seen him look.

he can’t believe this is the same boy he met in second grade. the same boy he grew up with.

the tune slows and taehyung is standing in front of jungkook, the two staring at each other as if no one else in the world matters.

jimin has to swallow the lump in his throat because now the pastor is asking him for his speech, which he half-assed and is completely, completely a lie.

it’s bullshit about best friends and growing up, and halfway through he chokes up. he manages to push it down because this is his fault. not theirs. and he’ll be damned if he messes up their wedding.

at the end, his voice cracks as he professes that he loves them as brothers, and when he moves back to stand in line, he feels numb.

the wedding goes by in a blur, jimin unable to tear his eyes away as they mumble ‘i do’ and kiss for everyone watching.

everything’s fuzzy as the after party begins, a mixture of songs jimin knows every word to, and soju being passed around.

when the slow song comes on, and it’s jimin and jungkook’s old song from years ago-highschool-he doesn’t cry. he doesn’t feel his chest drop or feel like there’s a fist squeezing on his heart. because all he feels numb, and quiet buzz of reality in the back of his mind.

eventually the after party ends. he wants to leave without saying goodbye, but he can’t bring himself to do so.

he sits on the balcony of the venue overlooking the river, and stares into the black. it’s oddly suiting. he’ll have to leave soon, and say goodbye. he’s surprised no one’s come to kick him out yet. it was supposed to end half an hour ago.

“jiminie?” at his nickname, he turns around, already knowing it was taehyung.

he’s smiling much brighter than he ever did with jimin, and it’s just as pretty as it was the first time jimin saw it. jungkook stands beside him, looking close to tears, and holding his hand as if he’ll never let go.

jimin silently prays he never will.

“i’m leaving,” jimin says. the words come out thick and slurred, even though he didn’t have anything to drink.

“i hope you had fun,” as an afterthought, taehyung giggles tearfully,”man, this is crazy.”

“crazy,” jimin agrees softly.

jungkook laughs, his face scrunching up as it always does. jimin thinks he’ll never grow into his bunny teeth, but he doesn’t mind. and he knows taehyung doesn’t.

they exchange soft hugs, and jimin grips them tight, for the last time. “i know life is busy,” jungkook frowns. “but we’ll see you around, okay, hyung?”

“we need to have a sleepover,” taehyung agrees.

“see you around,” jimin lies, despite having no intention of ever seeing them again.

his last look of them before he walks away is jungkook’s arm tight around taehyung’s waist, both looking inexplicably happy.

jimin knows he has shitty luck. it’s something he has to accept. but he doesn’t want to anymore.

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not an update, but i’ve decided to continue this as either a prequel or sequel (i’ll do both, it’s a matter or which to do first)! i’m definitely thinking about writing a prequel first, to just add certain memories i think might be important or give insight to their relationship. what do you guys think? how would you want it written? if i do make a sequel, what would you want in it? let me know what you think, if you even want a prequel/sequel.