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I'm not good enough

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  Lance had many,many problems I'm his life. Ranging from his homophobic hateful dad to his failing math and english grades. He needed some time off because boy was he having the absolute worst week of his life and he had hit a major depressive episode.

    He remebered the middle school graduation trip he was ecstatic to go to . He heard it'd be great with a pool and with all sort of incredible games. He would have a day all to himself and his friends. He was denied permission to go by both his parents but after a while his mother felt kinda bad and signed the paper. She later regretted it and told him not to go regardless but he couldn't let the best day of his life go to shit because his parents didn't want him to go. He had the best 11 hours of his life and when he got to the dunkin donuts a block from his school and asked his mom to pick him up, she was mad, but she didn't really care much in the end. She dropped him off at the front of their apartment and headed away to go do her shenanigans. Lance opened the door to see his dad furiously standing by the fridge. He told him many things and slapped him across the face. Lance tried to defend himself by telling him that the paper was signed and he couldn't cancel but his dad wasn't having any of it. Lance locked himself inside his room and cut himself an arms length that day. He hated his dad for not letting him be like other kids. Why the fuck was it such a big deal? He still doesn't know to this day. Oh yeah there was the time he was verbally abused for a missing toothpaste cap. Yeah. And the various times his father had dissed him and called him a stupid piece of shit because he didn't treat his brother like a prince. Don't get him wrong! Lance loved his brother and did everything possible to make him happy. He even bought him vanilla caramel ice cream cones on the half days he had the time to pick him up on. But he didn't watch his brothers every move or treated him like a porcelain doll. His dad always got furious at him but even when it was his younger brother's fault everything went to him. The words the abuse. Everything his dad says haunts him to this day.

Now here he was living alone in his senior year and battling the worst depressive episode he's ever had. His roommate Hunk is trying his best to be there for him but Lance is running out of space to hurt himself. He's been having panic attacks in a daily. He pushed himself to the limit and he doesn't eat. Whatever he does however, goes down the drain.

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Today in his first period class, Lance had a math quiz he hadn't studied properly for. He looked at every question and when he didn't understand anything he cursed himself and felt the urge to bleed. He suddenly wanted to go home and curl into a ball while blasting cavetown into his headphones. His second period was his elective,music,which he absolutely adored. It's not the same when you know you're a stupid mole rat the can't finish a 6 question math quiz though. He let everyone else's volume cascade over his and cover his' up like a big blanket. He was sure the professor noticed he wasn't actually making any noise but he didn't fucking care. He sat alone for lunch and he didn't talk during history or art. He didn't want anything to do  with anyone. He got home to Hunk making chocolate chip cookies but he didn't have an apetite. Keith,Pidge and Shiro were there there too but they didn't know about him like Hunk did. He gave them all a greeting before he layed in his bed with his back to the group on the floor. He felt their stares on his back so he grabbed a fat blanket at his feet and pulled it completely over his body. He cried but none of them heard. 

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  Lance noticed greatly how horribly he impacts other people's lives. How premature he is. He looks back to band practice when he couldn't help but notice he fucking sucked and half the time he wanted to stuff his big head into his instrument because he couldn't shut up. He sometimes noted the discomfort shown on his teacher's face when Lance tried to make a joke and it backfired because he just couldn't seem to grasp he wasn't fucking funny. Which hurt because every other class made him feel stupid and his band teacher was like a dad to them.

In his group of friends he tried to fit in but, "Lance. You're being fucking loud can you shut up for a second please." He knows Pidge didn't mean it. (Yes she did) but it hurt. He was conscious of his voice and his volume and his presence and how everyone else thought of him. He grew up with a loving mother, his older siblings had moved out however and he barely saw them. Only on the occasion his dad decided to call his older brother Marco up to help him with stuff. His dad screamed at him constantly he noted since he was young and he thinks it may have affected his hearing and that's why he's so loud. It feels like an excuse though.

He hates the other people who are allowed to express themselves freely because he can't do it. When they feel like shit and everyone else crowds around them trying to comfort them he can't help but think "what about me??" He seems to know a lot of people everyone likes but he just can't seem to get added to that list because he's fucking obnoxious.

 Keith is at their place tonight. He brought Hunk a box of jelly doughnuts he helped his mom make. Hunk loves them because "your doughnut recipe is exquisite Mrs.K." Lance used to constantly compliment them too, at least when he wasn't so low. 

His depressive episode only gotten worse 3 months in. He was sickly now and the small amount of sleep didn't help. His thoughts were getting dangerous. His razor moved to his thigh and legs. He couldn't stop it, everything was becoming a mess now. He wasn't good enough. At 2:46 pm he decided to put an end to the endless nightmare.

 

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  "you have no fucking idea how I feel, Veronica."

"Lance...then tell me, soy tu familia."

"I can't- I can't do this anymore. I fucking hate this you don't understand."

"Talk to me. I can understand."

"No, no you can't because you're the one person everyone in the family loves and respects and you have friends that give shits about you and you know people that look up to you because you're not a useless cargo pilot shit like me. And everyone here acts like theyre proud of me just because I got into the Garrison.Anyone can do that if they try hard enough!" 

Veronica sighed sadly and put her hand on top of her younger brothers'.

"We both know that isn't true."

"...Veronica can you give me some time alone. I want to think." 

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He woke up, a blinding headache and a burning sensation on both his wrists. He knew what that meant. There wasn't really any noise aside from the constant beeping of the heart monitor so he took that as a safe cue to open his eyes. "Lance?" He heard Veronica at the foot of his bed. Great. "Lance?" She repeated. She had the most sickeningly worried expression on her face and honestly, Lance hated it. He knew it was the wrong choice to act on his emotions, he knew the episode would pass but it just hurt so much and he was so fucking scared. Scared of doctors scared of being treated like glass. Scared of being different. But since his plan had failed, what he most feared would probably happen anyway. He sighed. "Why am I here." He asked, his voice cracking from lack of use. It was strained and weak. Fuck he hated being the center of attention when it came to sympathy.

"That's what me,mamá,Marco and Luis want to know." She said frowning, an angry tone in her voice, but her eyes filled with unshed tears. He dropped his head back into the pillow and pressed the palm of his hand to his face.

"Fuck." He sighed. "What did mamá say?"

"She wants you to go back. She's so worried about you, Leandro. She bust into the hospital the moment she heard what had happened."

"Not with that old homphobic shit around. What do you think half the reason I'm here right is?" He asked, his frown deepening. It looked like he was holding back tears.

"He's like that with everyone and you know it."

"He fucking hates me, Veronica. He hates me! I can't do that shit again. No."

"No he doesn't."

"Then where is he? Because he's sure as hell not here."

Veronica turned her saddened gaze to her lap and fiddled with her thumbs. "Hunk was here all night yesterday... he was worried about you."

"No.no. look. When I'm out of here, we're gonna pretend this never fucking happened."

"Lance. That is impossible and you know it."

"I don't want people to treat me like a new expensive glass table. I hate it. I don't wanna do this, Veronica. It'll only make me worse."

"You're just scared."

"I'm justified." She frowned and opened her mouth to speak but she was interrupted.

"Lance!" Hunk practically hollered at the door of Lance's room. He dropped the bag he was holding messily on the side table the hospital provided and raced to grab his free hand into his own. Lance pulled his hand off of his face to look up at Hunk who had apprently been accompanied by a very tired looking Keith who'a eyes immediately shifted when he saw Lance. Hunk leaned into Lance and gave him a warm hug. He practically melted into the touch and a few stray tears escaped the confinement of his eyes. He hated crying in front of other people. Fuck, he felt so vulnerable. Hunk, knowing Lance well enough, avoided any topic concerning their situation and instead focused on them catching up. Later that evening,Allura,Shiro,Coran and Pidge showed up and Lance almost felt normal again. Like he wasn't hooked up to a machine in a room monitored by his friends. That's right, he noticed the spare glances from Keith every one in a while. He noticed Hunk trying his very best to make Lance feel comfortable, he noticed Allura,Coran and Veronica's knowing glances and he noticed Pidge's frowns. It was so weird. Everyone was trying so hard to include him and it hurt. Because he felt weak and vulnerable. Because he was scared. When Hunk turned to ask him about something him and Pidge were discussing "right,Lance?" He abruptly sat up startling the young man.

"Stop. Please. Stop pretending and treating me like kicked dog." He said. The group flinched. He dropped his head into his hands and rubbed his sickly looking eyes. "I appreciate it but I just want everything to be normal." Keith came out from his corner and bluntly spilled the calculated silence in the room.

"By that you mean pretending to be cool with yourself when you're not because Im telling you now it's not happening. This is gonna become a cycle." He frowned and crossed his arms defensively. Lance lifted his head and frowned.

"Can we just go home?" He asked, the question directed to Hunk.

"Not until we talk about therapy and medicine with the doctors,buddy."

"Shit."

"It's not going to kill you." Pidge chimed. Lance sighed heavily. And unsettling quiet came into the room after the topic had come to light.

"Why?" Suddenly asked Allura. Lance and Pidge looked up at her confused.

"Why didn't you talk to us? Why are you here?"

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   You're fucking stupid I hope you know that

Oh shut up you're too loud 

I sometimes wish I never had kids 

My family is a fucking mess 

I can't believe gave you such a brain 

You're so annoying 

 

 

These things are the things he's heard before. And he can't take this shit anymore 

Not when he's gotten so used to the yelling of his drunk dad to the point where it can't cut anywhere else because he's cut deep in every inch of your being 

Not when you have to make jokes to convince yourself youre happy 

Not when you noticed you don't know what's funny anymore because your laugh is just there to reassure other people 

Not when you're tired 

Tired of being yelled at 

Tired of being under appreciated

Tired of being fucking ignored by the people you thought were your friends 

Tired of fucking living because all your dad did was treat you like a piece if plastic 

Because when he was having a bad day it was your fault 

Because everything is your fault 

Because he thinks youre a mistake.

 

This fic Is discontinued. 

I can't do this anymore