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A Quiznacking Space Road Trip (Voltron Chat Fic)

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Here, have a Voltron chat fic. I haven't really seen many of them on ArchiveOfOurOwn or Wattpad, so I decided to make one of my own!

 

Buckle up, kiddos. Let's get this bread.

Chapter Text

[Katie Holt added Lance McClain , Keith Kogane , Hunk Garrett , Takashi Shirogane , Allura , Coran , Romelle , Krolia and Matthew Holt to unnamed chat]

[Katie Holt renamed unnamed chat to Voltron Squad]

Katie Holt: what’s up nerds

[Allura is online]

[Hunk Garrett is online]

[Lance McClain is online]

[Keith Kogane is online]

[Takashi Shirogane is online]

Allura: What is this?

Katie Holt: it’s a group chat so we can communicate when we aren't in the same area. or just in general (like when you don’t have the energy or motivation to talk). and i also added a talk-to-text feature since it’s convenient. there are also private chats and other stuff

Katie Holt: also it’s just for entertainment and road trip purposes

Allura: I see. Hello, everyone!

Hunk Garrett: hi allura!

[Lance McClain changed their name to TheUltimateBiSpy]

[TheUltimateBiSpy changed Hunk Garrett’s name to 100%CinnamonRoll]

Katie Holt: the perfect name for a perfect boy

100%CinnamonRoll: aww, guys!

[TheUltimateBiSpy changed Katie Holt’s name to SassyBinch]

Keith Kogane: i mean, he’s not wrong

[TheUltimateBiSpy changed Allura’s name to QueenOfAllQueens]

[TheUltimateBiSpy changed Keith Kogane’s name to Mullet]

[TheUltimateBiSpy changed Takashi Shirogane’s name to SpaceDad]

SpaceDad: no

[SpaceDad changed their name to ActuallyDead]

[ActuallyDead changed Mullet’s name to #1Gay]

#1Gay: oh my god

SassyBinch: oh? >:3c

ActuallyDead: come on, keith. everyone’s at least a little bit gay, and you’re alotta bit gay

#1Gay: no u

100%CinnamonRoll: you’re gay, shiro is gay, i’m pan, pidge is obviously ace

SassyBinch: woot woot

100%CinnamonRoll: and lance is bi

TheUltimateBiSpy: wow, thanks for coming out for me hunk!

#1Gay: as if your username didn’t give it away already

TheUltimateBiSpy: oh yeah? yours isn’t much better, pretty boy!

#1Gay: blame shiro not me!

ActuallyDead: hey!

#1Gay: wait

#1Gay: lance, did you just call me pretty?

TheUltimateBiSpy: uhhhhhh

SassyBinch: gayyyyyyyyyyyy

100%CinnamonRoll: :3

[Matthew Holt is online]

Matthew Holt: ayyyy what’d i miss?

SassyBinch: you missed two boys that are probably super gay for eachother being oblivious

TheUltimateBiSpy: wHAt

Matthew Holt: alright, let’s not panic!

Matthew Holt: at the disco

#1Gay: [emo gasp]

[Romelle is online]

[Krolia is online]

[Coran is online]

Romelle: What’s happening?

QueenOfAllQueens: This is Allura, and I honestly don’t know.

#1Gay: MOM

#1Gay: MOM

#1Gay: MOOOOOOOMMMM

Krolia: WHaT

#1Gay: hi

Krolia: Hello Keith.

Matthew Holt: Krolia, were you lurking?

Krolia:

Krolia: ... No

100%CinnamonRoll: she was lurking

Matthew Holt: Krolia is a lurker confirmed

TheUltimateBiSpy: Krolurker

Krolia: I feel personally attacked right now.

[#1Gay changed Krolia’s name to PurpleCrayon]

PurpleCrayon: Keith, I love you but please, spare your mother.

Matthew Holt: aww look at that! two hermits bonding!

#1Gay: ASDFGHJKLQWERTYUIOPZXCVBNM

ActuallyDead: matt, I forgot to remind you but DON’T use the b word around keith

Matthew Holt: the swear?

Matthew Holt: ohhhHhhh ‘bonding’

ActuallyDead: /Matt/

#1Gay: i cAN’t BelIEvE lAncE dOeSn’T ReMEmbEr iT

TheUltimateBiSpy: soRRY i waS hAlFWay In a COMA

Matthew Holt: whoops

100%CinnamonRoll: i think pidge is enjoying this tea

SassyBinch: Beep Boop Bitch

ActuallyDead: pidge, language

#1Gay: yeah, except you swear and you’re practically our father figure

ActuallyDead: that’s the point, because I get unlimited free passes to swear and ultimately still ground you all for a week

TheUltimateBiSpy: ouch

[Matthew Holt changed ActuallyDead’s name to HoneyNutShirios]

HoneyNutShirios: why do I even put up with you

SassyBinch: you have no choice

HoneyNutShirios:  

HoneyNutShirios: yeah ok

[Matthew Holt changed their name to NinjaJediHitchhiker]

TheUltimateBiSpy: i was reminded of star wars and a hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy all in one go

PurpleCrayon: Why do our usernames have no spaces in between words?

100%CinnamonRoll: it’s more efficient this way

PurpleCrayon: That’s actually sensible

TheUltimateBiSpy: what’s everyone’s favorite band/singer?

#1Gay: where is this coming from

TheUltimateBiSpy: idk i’m bored

#1Gay: well, i like mcr and panic

SassyBinch: that’s not surprising

TheUltimateBiSpy: that’s super emo

#1Gay: shut up

100%CinnamonRoll: i like listening to songs about friendship

TheUltimateBiSpy: awwwwww hunk!

SassyBinch: what a wonderful sunshine boy

SassyBinch: i listen to whatever the heck is on. i’ll even listen to tv static if I’m into it

TheUltimateBiSpy: i like mother mother, ok go, the antlers, two door cinema club, glass animals, passion pit, etc

Romelle: What is this band/singer?

TheUltimateBiSpy: have you heard of music?

Romelle: The colony never listened to music, but I remember my mother used to sing to me such beautiful lullabies. Her voice was like an angel, and she looked so pretty when she sang.

Coran: Allura, your mother and father sang ancient Altean lullabies to you when you were a child. I always like happy, upbeat music.

QueenOfAllQueens: Yes, I remember…. But Romelle, you said that the colony never listened to music. How did your mother know the lullabies?

Romelle: My father told me that she always loved making up lullabies, because she believed that they would be more special to me and Bandor.

QueenOfAllQueens: Oh, that is so sweet of her! If you’d like, I can perhaps sing one of the Altean lullabies that my father once sang to me.

Romelle: That would be wonderful, Allura, thank you. <3

Coran: What is <3??

TheUltimateBiSpy: it’s a heart! i showed romelle some simple text symbols when she was getting bored

QueenOfAllQueens: Well, then you're welcome Romelle. <3

 

 

100%CinnamonRoll > SassyBinch

100%CinnamonRoll: owo what’s this?

SassyBinch: owo

 

 

Voltron Squad

HoneyNutShirios: i like listening to podcasts

SassyBinch: what a dad

 

 

#1Gay > HoneyNutShirios

#1Gay: Shiro

HoneyNutShirios: don’t. you. dare

#1Gay: hehehhehe

 

 

Voltron Squad

#1Gay: he also listens to backstreet boys

TheUltimateBiSpy: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH

HoneyNutShirios: AAAAAAAAA

[HoneyNutShirios is offline]

#1Gay: wait shiro

#1Gay: what are you doing??

[#1Gay is offline]

SassyBinch: *scooby doo voice* ruh roh

PurpleCrayon: He’s dangling my son outside of the mouth of the Black Lion

PurpleCrayon: This man is a legend

TheUltimateBiSpy: keEF no

NinjaJediHitchhiker: you know he had to do it to ‘im

100%CinnamonRoll: wait, how can you dangle him with only one arm?

[HoneyNutShirios is online]

[#1Gay is online]

HoneyNutShirios: It’s called godly advantage

#1Gay: i've been betrayed

TheUltimateBiSpy: KEITH

HoneyNutShirios: I don't even listen to them anymore

#1Gay: yeah, because we're in space and probably have no access to earth music from here. i heard you humming I Want It That Way yesterday on that planet where we stayed to charge the lions

TheUltimateBiSpy: I WAS SO CONCERNED FOR THE RED BOY THAT IS KEEF

#1Gay: Jesus said chill

SassyBinch: there is no Jesus

100%CinnamonRoll: sbhwhdhbehsjsuwijdnd

 

 

TheUltimateBiSpy > #1Gay

TheUltimateBiSpy: but seriously keith

TheUltimateBiSpy: i actually was lowkey concerned

TheUltimateBiSpy: but only lowkey because i know shiro wouldn't drop you but i was still worried and

#1Gay: lance calm down its okay

#1Gay: but you were legitimately worried about me?

TheUltimateBiSpy: keith, buddy, i'll always be worried about you

TheUltimateBiSpy: and the rest of the team too of course

#1Gay: i always worry about you too

#1Gay: and the team

TheUltimateBiSpy: yeah

#1Gay: heh

 

 

SassyBinch > #1Gay

SassyBinch: i can smell your pining from here

#1Gay: what the- how???

SassyBinch: don't question my knowledge, kogane. i have blackmail

#1Gay: whoa there okay

#1Gay: but i never told you about it?? only shiro knows, and i know he wouldn't tell anyone anything without asking first…

SassyBinch: do you /really/ doubt my formidable erudition?

SassyBinch: i've hacked into a high-tech military facility to create a fake identity and they never noticed. i've tapped into galra intel, radio chatter, and security systems without anyone suspecting something. i have the highest level of intelligence than you, hunk, lance, shiro, allura, coran, krolia, and romelle combined. i saw the look in your eyes when you held hands during the bonding moment™, i’ve noticed how you go from edgy to soft in 2 seconds because of lance. i catch you staring fondly at him. i see how jealous you get whenever lance flirts with other people

SassyBinch: why the /fuck/ would i not know about your obvious gay feels for lance, you absolute twink

#1Gay: 

#1Gay: ack

#1Gay: wait, they’re that obvious?? does lance know??? is that why he’s been acting distant lately? because he knows?

SassyBinch: jeez keith, slow down

SassyBinch: lance is oblivious af, there’s almost no way he would notice. if he did, he probably would have already talked to you, you know how he can be

#1Gay: ok, but i doubt that he likes me back. you’ve seen how he flirts with people he likes, and he’s never flirted with me or said nice things about me!

SassyBinch: or maybe he HAS flirted with you and said nice things but you’re also oblivious

#1Gay: he- what?

SassyBinch: for example: he calls you ‘samurai’, he was the first one to support you when you became the black paladin, he got super depressed when you left, when you came back he was super happy to see you, “i chose keith. he’s our leader plus he’s half galra, so i think he’s like, the future”

#1Gay: o-oh

SassyBinch: yeah

SassyBinch: go get him, tiger

 

 

Voltron Squad

NinjaJediHitchhiker: yoo the chat got really quiet for a couple minutes

NinjaJediHitchhiker: did Voltron get yeeted again?

100%CinnamonRoll: nah, we’re here. i was watching coran play with the mice

TheUltimateBiSpy: romelle is starting to nod off and i was just thinking about… stuff…

#1Gay: shiro’s asleep and krolia is brooding in the corner, and pidge and i were talking

SassyBinch: ye

SassyBinch: I can hear over the comms that allura is /trying/ to get along with kosmo

NinjaJediHitchhiker: what were you thinking about lance?

TheUltimateBiSpy: someone

#1Gay: .. oh….. who were you thinking about?

SassyBinch: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

#1Gay: shut

100%CinnamonRoll: was it allura

TheUltimateBiSpy: i was just thinking about a person! ok!? and this time it wasn’t allura!

SassyBinch: i see

 

 

100%CinnamonRoll > TheUltimateBiSpy

100%CinnamonRoll: soooooooooo

TheUltimateBiSpy: hunk no

100%CinnamonRoll: hunk yes

TheUltimateBiSpy: i know what you’re about to do and you better not do it

100%CinnamonRoll: darn

100%CinnamonRoll: but you’re my best friend and my bro

TheUltimateBiSpy: ,,

100%CinnamonRoll: do i need to make the eyes

TheUltimateBiSpy: fine fine. promise you won’t say anything?

100%CinnamonRoll: cross my heart

TheUltimateBiSpy: i was just thinking about someone i ‘met’ at the garrison, and he’s amazing at everything and he’s so nice and pretty and

100%CinnamonRoll: it’s keith isn’t it

TheUltimateBiSpy: yeah it’s keith

100%CinnamonRoll: i knew it. you can’t just keep this stuff from me, man

100%CinnamonRoll: but I'm 85% sure that keith doesn't know

TheUltimateBiSpy: thank Jesus

 

 

»●°.✩※✩.°●«

 

Chapter Text

Voltron Squad

[Coran is online]

[Coran changed their name to CoranicMechanic]

[TheUltimateBiSpy is online]

[#1Gay is online]

[TheUltimateBiSpy changed Romelle ’s name to LostChild]

[LostChild is online]

#1Gay: so fitting

[100%CinnamonRoll is online]

CoranicMechanic: Paladins! We're nearing a small, habitable planet that seems to have no civilians. We will land there to recharge the Lions, and we will arrive in about a varga and 45 doboshes.

TheUltimateBiSpy: alrighty

[CoranicMechanic is offline]

LostChild: I’m here.

#1Gay: and i’m queer

TheUltimateBiSpy: keith sjdgsjfhjdjnj

[SassyBinch is online]

SassyBinch: i can’t relate

100%CinnamonRoll: we know pidge

TheUltimateBiSpy: we been knew

[SassyBinch is offline]

TheUltimateBiSpy: tfw you're having an emotional crisis

#1Gay: what

TheUltimateBiSpy: what

[TheUltimateBiSpy is offline]

[LostChild   is offline]

[100%CinnamonRoll is offline]

[#1Gay is offline]

 

 

 

 

Voltron Squad

[TheUltimateBiSpy is online]

[TheUltimateBiSpy changed their name to ambuLANCE]

ambuLANCE: have you ever realised that cucumbers and zucchini are like, distant relatives but half-siblings?

[HoneyNutShirios is online]

[#1Gay is online]

HoneyNutShirios: lance, what?

ambuLANCE: it’s just one of those days

ambuLANCE: hey, keith do you put peanuts in your coca cola?

#1Gay: what no

#1Gay: why

ambuLANCE: well apparently southerners put peanuts in their coke, and you lived in the texan desert for a while

#1Gay: i'm just gonna stop you right there

#1Gay: A) that's weird B) that's weird and C) stop making fun of me for living in texas

ambuLANCE: aw y’all never let me have fun

ambuLANCE: this ain't fair

#1Gay: no more

HoneyNutShirios: hey keith remember that one time at walmart

#1Gay: don't remind me

HoneyNutShirios: when you found a cowboy hat and sang to cotton eye joe

ambuLANCE: i wanna be a cowboy, baby

HoneyNutShirios: there’s a snake in my boot!

#1Gay: i wish i stole someone else’s car now

HoneyNutShirios: too late little brother

[QueenOfAllQueens is online]

[CoranicMechanic is online]

QueenOfAllQueens: You two are brothers?

#1Gay: not by blood

CoranicMechanic: So, you and Shiro aren’t related along bloodlines, but you can feel a familial bond so strong that it’s almost as if you are brethren??

HoneyNutShirios: yeah, basically

[SassyBinch is online]

SassyBinch: guys, is that planet ahead the one that we’re landing on?

CoranicMechanic: Yes, Number 5! That’s the one!

SassyBinch: see you losers soon!

[SassyBinch is offline]

[CoranicMechanic is offline]

[QueenOfAllQueens is offline]

[#1Gay is offline]

[HoneyNutShirios is offline]

[ambuLANCE is offline]

 

 

 

 

Voltron Squad

[#1Gay is online]

#1Gay: hey has anyone seen lance??

[100%CinnamonRoll is online]

[SassyBinch is online]

[HoneyNutShirios is online]

[LostChild is online]

[QueenOfAllQueens is online]

100%CinnamonRoll: now that i think about it, no

SassyBinch: maybe he wandered off?

HoneyNutShirios: i think we would’ve noticed if he snuck away

#1Gay: yeah, like we noticed he was missing??

HoneyNutShirios: … touché

SassyBinch: ngl i read that as touchy, like 'tuhch-ee'

LostChild: I think I saw him heading for a cliff earlier.

100%CinnamonRoll: he what

QueenOfAllQueens: I see him! He’s sitting up on the top of the gorge to our right, with his back to us.

#1Gay: i’ve noticed that something has been off about him ever since i got back….. is he okay?

SassyBinch: …..

100%CinnamonRoll: i’m not sure, i haven’t really talked to him about that

QueenOfAllQueens: He has seemed down lately, and he’s been very distant.

HoneyNutShirios: i have some of my clone’s memories, and he really bullied lance the most

SassyBinch: I haven’t seen much of him since you left for the blades

#1Gay: so NO ONE has talked to lance about his emotions and NO ONE knows if he’s okay?

100%CinnamonRoll: i know lance wouldn’t have wanted me to tell you guys this, but back before the garrison he was diagnosed with mild depression. lance told me it went away and i believed him, but the way he’s been acting lately is like before but 10x worse

#1Gay: someone’s gotta talk to him

HoneyNutShirios: maybe we should leave him alone for now, we can figure this out once we’ve gotten some rest

QueenOfAllQueens: Shiro is right, it’s almost dusk.

[SassyBinch is offline]

[100%CinnamonRoll is offline]

[QueenOfAllQueens is offline]

[#1Gay is offline]

[HoneyNutShirios is offline]

 

 

 

 

Voltron Squad

[ambuLANCE is online]

ambuLANCE: guys, i scrolled up and

ambuLANCE: don’t worry! i was only watching the sunset

[#1Gay is online]

[SassyBinch is online]

SassyBinch: are you sure?

ambuLANCE: totally

#1Gay: i smell bullshit

ambuLANCE: i’m FINE guys! i was just thinking about my family while staring into the distance

SassyBinch: if you say so

[100%CinnamonRoll is online]

ambuLANCE: hunk!

100%CinnamonRoll: lance!

ambuLANCE: you… told them..?

100%CinnamonRoll: i felt like they deserved to know…

ambuLANCE: yeah well, i didn’t want them to find out, for way too many reasons

ambuLANCE: i know you had good intentions, but i thought i could trust you

100%CinnamonRoll: lance please

ambuLANCE: just leave me alone, please

[ambuLANCE is offline]

SassyBinch: oh hunk

100%CinnamonRoll: it’s fine, we just

100%CinnamonRoll: lance is the one we should be worrying about

 

 

 

 

Voltron Squad

ambuLANCE: yo fam what is GOOD

ambuLANCE: can we discuss something extremely important and crucial to my existence??

100%CinnamonRoll: yeah what?

ambuLANCE: well before in the village, i saw a green alien and so naturally i said “it's dat boi!”

SassyBinch: of course

ambuLANCE: but then i hear someone behind me say “oh shit whaddup” but i didn’t exactly hear what they sounded like

100%CinnamonRoll: wait really?

SassyBinch: we have a dilemma

ambuLANCE: that we do

SassyBinch: something doesn’t add up

ambuLANCE: who

SassyBinch: said

ambuLANCE: it?

#1Gay: that was scary, are you two mentally linked??

SassyBinch: per

ambuLANCE: haps

#1Gay: fair enough

100%CinnamonRoll: well it couldn’t have been me or pidge, we were ahead of you guys looking at tech and food

#1Gay: it wasn’t me

SassyBinch: and it obviously wasn’t shiro, allura, coran, krolia, romelle, or any of the residents (the aliens have no idea what a second even is, so i am 3,000% sure they don’t know what a meme is)

ambuLANCE: it would have been uncultured of me to reply to myself

SassyBinch: so

ambuLANCE: who

SassyBinch: did

ambuLANCE: it?

#1Gay: i know who it was

100%CinnamonRoll: WHAT?!

ambuLANCE: TELL

SassyBinch: US

100%CinnamonRoll: SPILL

ambuLANCE: THAT

SassyBinch: TEA

#1Gay: it was no one and lance is hearing things

100%CinnamonRoll: yeah.. lets just drop it for now

SassyBinch: aw

100%CinnamonRoll: espECIALLY SINCE THERE’S A BIG SPACE MONSTER RIGHT OVER THERE

ambuLANCE: AAAAAAA

[SassyBinch is offline]

[ambuLANCE is offline]

[100%CinnamonRoll is offline]

 

 

#1Gay > HoneyNutShirios

#1Gay: I know it was you

HoneyNutShirios: please don't say anything to anyone

#1Gay: dw I wasn't going to

 

 

»●°.※✩※.°●«

 

Chapter Text

 Voltron Squad

[SassyBinch is online]

[SassyBinch renamed Voltron Squad to Ungrateful Ants]

[NinjaJediHitchhiker is online]

NinjaJediHitchhiker: hey, the chat’s up and running again!

[ambuLANCE is online]

[100%CinnamonRoll is online]

[SassyBinch is online]

[HoneyNutShirios is online]

[LostChild is online]

[QueenOfAllQueens is online]

[#1Gay is online]

[CoranicMechanic is online]

[PurpleCrayon is online]

SassyBinch: thou art righteth, dearest brother

SassyBinch: i killed the chat a few days ago so i could fiddle around and add some features

ambuLANCE: oooooooo what’d you add

SassyBinch: screenshots, we can edit the designs/backgrounds of specific chats, video chats, profile pics, sending pics/videos, y’know, the basics

ambuLANCE: owo owo

NinjaJediHitchhiker: uwu

100%CinnamonRoll: gasp

100%CinnamonRoll: matt you didn’t just do that

HoneyNutShirios: ?

ambuLANCE: uh oh not again

SassyBinch: oof

100%CinnamonRoll: you have committed a sin too great to be wiped clean. you have carelessly insulted the entity of every mcclain in existence. most importantly, you have punctured the abilities of none other than leandro charles mcclain in order to cover up your own flexible range.

#1Gay: i don’t know what’s going on but i'm scared

NinjaJediHitchhiker: wait what did i even do wrong

100%CinnamonRoll: i would tell you but then i would be committing the same sin

100%CinnamonRoll: leandro charles mcclain would you please demonstrate for the class

ambuLANCE: uwu

100%CinnamonRoll: thank you. only the mcclains have the right to do that

ambuLANCE: but hunk, you're an honorary mcclain, so you do too

HoneyNutShirios: so your real name isn’t actually lance?

ambuLANCE: nope! it’s actually leandro, lance is just a nickname

SassyBinch: keith how’s it going over there

#1Gay: i- he- what-

100%CinnamonRoll: that’s how you know you’re too gay for your own good

SassyBinch: he has reached new levels

[HoneyNutShirios changed #1Gay ’s name to TooGay]

TooGay: yes

[ambuLANCE changed TooGay ’s name to TooGayForLance]

TooGayForLance: yes

SassyBinch: keith you might wanna restate that

TooGayForLance: wait no-8if7wydtet2h1h

HoneyNutShirios: uh oh spaghettios

TooGayForLance: fheuahvfdhfs nb2uy712ehdb  bzkosmo just teleported over here with lance and i panicked

ambuLANCE: i fell on him

TooGayForLance: no you practically tackled me

ambuLANCE: i tackled him

100%CinnamonRoll: oh?

SassyBinch: kinky,, lenny face

NinjaJediHitchhiker: you just typed out “lenny face”

SassyBinch: y’all i’m too lazy

TooGayForLance: n O piD g E

ambuLANCE: NO i didn’t even realize that kosmo was gonna dump me on top of this edgelord

ambuLANCE: he was probably gonna teleport to keith i doubt that he meant to drag me along

ambuLANCE: alrighty i'm back in red

ambuLANCE: oKAy who wants to play truth or dare?

SassyBinch: yesyesyes

PurpleCrayon: Sure, Keith's father taught me how

100%CinnamonRoll: of course!

HoneyNutShirios: why not? it's a good opportunity to get closer as a team as well as friends

NinjaJediHitchhiker: aw yee

QueenOfAllQueens: Truth or Dare is a very popular universal game, of course I'll play!

CoranicMechanic: Seconded!

LostChild: Me too

TooGayForLance: i don't know…

ambuLANCE: pleeeeaaaseeee

TooGayForLance: well..

ambuLANCE:  

TooGayForLance: don't do it

ambuLANCE:

ambuLANCE: keef

TooGayForLance: fine

SassyBinch: O_O

CoranicMechanic: OOH! I’ll go first!!

CoranicMechanic: Shiro!! Truth or Dare?

HoneyNutShirios: truth

CoranicMechanic: What’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you?

HoneyNutShirios: death

TooGayForLance: of course

HoneyNutShirios: pidge, truth or dare

SassyBinch: dare

HoneyNutShirios: i dare you to insult science

SassyBinch: yo i have the inability to do that

HoneyNutShirios: alright then, i dare you to insult someone using science

SassyBinch: hey lance, are you composed of barium, silicon, carbon, bismuth, technetium and hydrogen?

SassyBinch: cause you’re a Ba Si C  Bi Tc H

ambuLANCE: ;~;

100%CinnamonRoll: hue

SassyBinch: keith t or d

TooGayForLance: truth bitch

SassyBinch: do you have a crush on anyone?

TooGayForLance: ………….. yes

TooGayForLance: and for the record, you already knew that so fuck you

TooGayForLance: also,

[TooGayForLance changed their name to InterGAYlactic]

ambuLANCE: keith… did you just…….

InterGAYlactic: make a pun? yeah

100%CinnamonRoll: HAHAH i get it! it’s because you’re half galra and gay! o man that’s great

 

 

ambuLANCE > 100%CinnamonRoll

ambuLANCE: hEs sO aDOraBlE aaaAAAAaaaaAAaaAaAaAaAAAAAAAA

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

InterGAYlactic: ok uhh hunk truth or dare

100%CinnamonRoll: uh oh.. truth??

HoneyNutShirios: don’t worry hunk, it’s physically impossible for anyone to harm you in any way

HoneyNutShirios: you only have to be afraid of pidge

NinjaJediHitchhiker: pidge is a fuccin rat who lives in the vents

SassyBinch: ssssssssssssssssss

InterGAYlactic: oh god

InterGAYlactic: anyway hunk, what’s your biggest pet peeve

InterGAYlactic: i wanna know so i don’t mess up in some way and get on hunk’s bad side

100%CinnamonRoll: wELL,,

ambuLANCE: oH no

100%CinnamonRoll: my biggest pet peeve is when SOMEONE pours my favorite cereal down the drain

ambuLANCE: wow would you look at the time!!! gotta go!!

100%CinnamonRoll: i will NEVER forget that lance!! you know how much i loved those fruit loops!!

ambuLANCE: well soRRY that i reacted in such a way when you THREW MY SKETCHBOOK OUT THE WINDOW

100%CinnamonRoll: THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT

QueenOfAllQueens: Paladins! Please calm down!

ambuLANCE: OH SURE IT WAS AN “ACCIDENT”

100%CinnamonRoll: IT WAS!! I TRIPPED AND IT FLEW OUT OF MY HAND!!!!

SassyBinch: guys please

ambuLANCE: OH PLEASE, YOU’RE MORE GRACEFUL THAN I AM!! YOU ARE LIKE THE DEFINITION OF UNTRIPPABLE

InterGAYlactic: it’s really unnatural to see you guys fight, i don’t like this

100%CinnamonRoll: THANK YOU, BUT I DON’T THINK THAT ‘UNTRIPPABLE’ IS A WORD

ambuLANCE: BrO

100%CinnamonRoll: bRO

ambuLANCE: BRO

100%CinnamonRoll: BROOOOoooOOO

CoranicMechanic: this is extremely unsettling

SassyBinch: guys!! you’re scaring the baby!

PurpleCrayon: What baby? There is no baby with us?

InterGAYlactic: shiro

CoranicMechanic: but Shiro isn’t-

HoneyNutShirios: i'm fragile, okay??

ambuLANCE: fine… i’m sorry hunk

100%CinnamonRoll: i’m sorry too buddy

ambuLANCE: bbtwneleoitrotawseonmwsbscow??

100%CinnamonRoll: bbtweneleoitrotawseonmwsbscow

NinjaJediHitchhiker: what

100%CinnamonRoll: it means ‘best bros that will never ever leave each other in the roughest of times and will support each other no matter what stupid bs comes our way’

InterGAYlactic: do i even want to know

ambuLANCE: it’s our bro slogan

100%CinnamonRoll: krolia t or d

PurpleCrayon: Truth

100%CinnamonRoll: i heard somewhere that keith wasn’t originally going to be “keith”. what were you going to name him before you changed your mind?

SassyBinch: oh?

PurpleCrayon: Well, Keith’s father changed my mind and we decided on Keith Akira Kogane, but I wanted his name to be Yorak

100%CinnamonRoll: omg

HoneyNutShirios: i think i’m dying again

ambuLANCE: iM cRyIng

LostChild: Don’t cry??

SassyBinch: hOlY sHiT tHaT’s FuCkIn HiLaRiOuS

InterGAYlactic: MOM

CoranicMechanic: I don’t see what’s so funny about this.

QueenOfAllQueens: Well I think it’s a lovely name.

PurpleCrayon: Thank you princess. But I think that Keith’s father had the better idea.

PurpleCrayon: Alright, Lance truth or dare?

ambuLANCE: dare

PurpleCrayon: Change the usernames of 4 people

ambuLANCE: bet

[ambuLANCE changed LostChild ’s name to ButterflyElf]

[ambuLANCE changed  QueenOfAllQueens ‘s name to She’sAKillerQueen]

[ambuLANCE changed NinjaJediHitchhiker ’s name to Mattsquito]

[ambuLANCE changed 100%CinnamonRoll ’s name to KazooKid]

InterGAYlactic: what the actual??

SassyBinch: matt is a literal mosquito tho, gold star on that one lance

ambuLANCE: thank you ^^

Mattsquito: shut the fuck up you aardvark

SassyBinch: i thought i was a rat

Mattsquito: same difference

SassyBinch: no not really

She’sAKillerQueen: I don’t kill! At least, only for war purposes.

ambuLANCE: chill it’s just a lyric from an earth song

She’sAKillerQueen: Oh. Nevermind then.

HoneyNutShirios: ok but why is hunk’s name from a very old kids show?

ambuLANCE: have i got a SToRy FOr yOU

SassyBinch: ( ^ is that a veggie tales reference i see?)

ambuLANCE: (why yes dear sweet pidgeon)

KazooKid: time to meet a side of me that you’ve never known

ambuLANCE: hunk and I have been friends since before the garrison, right? this took place at my house. so one morning i woke up, and before long i heard a loud noise outside

ambuLANCE: at first i ignored it, but then it got LOUDER. so i looked outside and there i see hunk facing my bedroom window

ambuLANCE: playing a handful of kazoos at once

ambuLANCE: into a megaphone

ambuLANCE: i don’t remember what i yelled to him from the window, but hunk replied “kazoos for days” before speeding away on a tiny scooter

SassyBinch: #friendshipgoals

Mattsquito: ew stop

[SassyBinch changed their name to Aardvark]

Aardvark: never, peasant

Mattsquito: D:

InterGAYlactic: why do I feel like that’s something shiro would do?

KazooKid: idk man but it’s seems uncharacteristic of him

InterGAYlactic: not unless you’ve known him since you were like, 12

She’sAKillerQueen: I keep forgetting that you and Shiro have known each other for longer than everyone else has.

ambuLANCE: matt my dude t or d

Mattsquito: dare

ambuLANCE: yeet ok

ambuLANCE: uhh do an imitation of everyone in the group chat, as well as zarkon, haggar, lotor, axca, and shay 

Mattsquito: shiro- "i'm takashi shirogane and i have big-ass muscles, and all my advice comes directly from naruto"

Mattsquito: allura- "my name is allura and i was born into the royal british family even though i'm from a different planet. but i'm not stuck up and i love everyone the same, except for my ex and his family. they can go die"

Mattsquito: keith- "i'm keith and i'm emo af. i have abandonment issues and i like sword fights. CRYPTIDS"

Mattsquito: lance- "hey there demons, it's me, ya boy. i like girls and i'm the super hot sharpshooter. but i also hate myself on the inside and i'll let that self-hatred fester silently and destroy my very mental/emotional being, but I'll never tell anybody"

InterGAYlactic: aw lance ):

ambuLANCE: chjddjkwyu no 

Mattsquito: hunk- "hello, i'm hunk. i'm a gift from God himself, or maybe i am God. i love to cook and i make people feel loved and happy"

 Mattsquito: pidge- "it's me, pidge. i'm like, 11 and i won't hit puberty for the next 24 years. i'm robotsexual, lesbian for the loch ness monster, and i'll kick your ass to the next universe even though i'm just a toddler"

Mattsquito: coran- "wassup i'm the altean nigel thornberry and i'm the friendly supportive uncle of this space family"

Mattsquito: krolia- "i'm keith's badass galra mom and i love my baby boy"

Mattsquito: romelle- "i'm romelle, and i'm energetic with a lot of questions. i am innocent, pure, but i can be scary depending on the situation"

Mattsquito: zarkon- "it is i, your emperor, who commanded the furry race and enslaved more than a third of existence. i've ruled the furry empire for over 10000 decaphoebs and was defeated by 4 children and their dad in only 2 years."

Mattsquito: haggar- "i'm a witch, i can turn you into a frog. i became an evil zombie with alzheimer's after i had sex with interdimensional, corrupted quintessential being"

Mattsquito: lotor- "i'm a weasel and i'm sly as fuck. i'm a dramatic, whiny bitch with daddy issues. i only drink respect women juice, and all i've ever wanted was a ballerina barbie"

ambuLANCE: pffFTTTT

KazooKid: this is too true

Aardvark: i'm lIVING

Mattsquito: axca- "i thought i was part of the mean girls club, but nah. i suddenly wanted to join the coalition for the dude with the flippity mullet hair and scar"

Mattsquito: shay- "hello! i'm shay and i'm really calm and gentle. i may or may not have feelings for hunk."

KazooKid: dgjdsgjddhjfdsf

ambuLANCE: [wink wink nudge nudge]

CoranicMechanic: I don't know what many of your earth terms mean but it all seems terrifyingly accurate based on the content.

ambuLANCE: axca has a crush on keith?!???!

PurpleCrayon: Well yes, haven't you noticed?

InterGAYlactic: ew no thanks 

ButterflyElf: Keith, aren't you dating Axca?

InterGAYlactic: eW NO

InterGAYlactic: GIRLS ARE THE SPAWN OF SATAN

QueenOfAllQueens: exCUSE ME

InterGAYlactic: except allura, romelle, my mom, pidge, and i guess axca

QueenOfAllQueens: Thank you.

Mattsquito: OLLORO TTT OR DDD

QueenOfAllQueens: I'm going to assume you meant me.

QueenOfAllQueens: Dare! You don't scare me!

Mattsquito: add axca to the group chat

[QueenOfAllQueens added Acxa to Ungrateful Ants]

Acxa: um....... hello?

PurpleCrayon: Hello there, fellow Galra rebel.

QueenOfAllQueens: Greetings.

KazooKid: eat your vegetables 

Aardvark: tweet tweet motherfucker 

HoneyNutShirios: hi axca

CoranicMechanic: Nice to talk with you again!

ButterflyElf: Who 

InterGAYlactic: salutations welcome to hell 

ambuLANCE: skskksdkeksjsndjjrjryhsbbabm

Acxa: who are you? what do you want?

Mattsquito: this is the official Voltron chat group 

Aardvark: Voltron + matt, romelle, krolia, coran and shiro

Mattsquito: slander 

Acxa: oh, I see, hi!!

Acxa: is keith here, then?

ButterflyElf: [Looks at the camera like I'm in The Office.]

ambuLANCE: omg did she just

Aardvark: who is responsible 

HoneyNutShirios: uh,,

Aardvark: how do you plead

Mattsquito: [mouths] not guilty!

HoneyNutShirios: hot milky 

Mattsquito: just lock him up

KazooKid: whEezE

InterGAYlactic: maybe we should say our names so that axca knows who is who

ambuLANCE: so you're just gonna ignore that shiro showed romelle memes and vines?

InterGAYlactic: i've gotten used to it

InterGAYlactic: anyway i'm keith

QueenOfAllQueens: Allura

KazooKid: hunk

ambuLANCE: lance 

CoranicMechanic: Coran Coran the Gorgeous Man!!

ButterflyElf: Romelle 

PurpleCrayon: Krolia

Aardvark: pidge

Mattsquito: matt

HoneyNutShirios: shiro

Acxa: I see

 

 

 

ambuLANCE > Acxa

ambuLANCE: prepare for interrogation 

Acxa: huh??

ambuLANCE: there has been a rumor

ambuLANCE: that you have

ambuLANCE: a crush

ambuLANCE: on keith

Acxa: wh

ambuLANCE: is it true because square up i will throw down 

Acxa: woah woah woah, who thinks that??

ambuLANCE: literally everyone

Acxa: they must be as blind as Shovian Ochamix'

ambuLANCE: what

Acxa: giant, blind, winged creatures that live deep in the tunnel system of the planet Drek

ambuLANCE: so.... you don't have feelings for keith?

Acxa: are you kidding? i like girls

ambuLANCE: rELIEF

Acxa: this is because you love him, right

ambuLANCE: jncdjkfhds what

Acxa: I know jealousy when I see it

ambuLANCE: valid point

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

ambuLANCE: aight welcome to our gang acxa

Mattsquito: eat ass

ambuLANCE: smoke grass

Mattsquito: sled fast

ambuLANCE: SLED GANG

Mattsquito: SLED GANG

HoneyNutShirios: what am i seeing with my pupils

Aardvark: a masterpiece at it's finest

She'sAKillerQueen: Romelle Truth or Dare?

ButterflyElf: Uhh truth?

She'sAKillerQueen: Is it true that you are somewhat skilled in combative technique?

ButterflyElf: I guess so, but I'm not as good at it as you.

ButterflyElf: You are a very talented fighter, Allura.

InterGAYlactic: did Allura just squeal?

 

 

 

ButterflyElf > KazooKid

ButterflyElf: She's also very attractive and wonderful.

KazooKid: !!!!! :0

 

 

 

 Ungrateful Ants

Acxa: may I join the game?

CoranicMechanic: Of course!

Aardvark: sure

ambuLANCE: ye 

ButterflyElf: Truth or Dare, Acxa?

Acxa: hmm.... I'll go with Truth.

ButterflyElf: Do you like-like Keith?

Acxa: no, definitely not. I'm what the humans call a lesbian

InterGAYlactic: ohh hELLL YEAH

ambuLANCE: thank

InterGAYlactic: what

ambuLANCE: what

Acxa: I just looked through the chat history, and I guess we're back at coran now??

Aardvark: yoi 

Acxa: Truth or Dare?

CoranicMechanic: Dare!!

Acxa: change my user i'm not as creative as you guys

KazooKid: aww you can actually be pretty nice acxa

Acxa: ....were you... being.. sarcastic...?

She'sAKillerQueen: No, Hunk is just a sweet boy.

ambuLANCE: yes indeedy do

KazooKid: cvgdasf thanks

[CoranicMechanic changed Acxa's name to AcxauallyILikeGirls]

InterGAYlactic: LGBTQ+ UNITE 

AcxauallyILikeGirls: [high fives you]

Aardvark: [high five]

HoneyNutShirios: [high five]

ambuLANCE: [HIGH FIVE]

ButterflyElf: "[high five]"

InterGAYlactic: [high fives y'all back]

KazooKid: southern keith? is that you?

InterGAYlactic: shut your fucking mouth

HoneyNutShirios: i just yawned goodnight heathens

InterGAYlactic: goodbye old man

[HoneyNutShirios is offline]

PurpleCrayon: I'm tired too

[PurpleCrayon is offline]

[CoranicMechanic is offline]

[She'sAKillerQueen is offline]

[ButterflyElf is offline]

ambuLANCE: now that they're gone

 

 

 

[ambuLANCE added  KazooKid InterGAYlactic Aardvark Mattsquito  and  AcxauallyILikeGirls to  OPERATION GET ALLURA AND ROMELLE TOGETHER]

ambuLANCE: we gotta do something about those two

[Aardvark changed OPERATION GET ALLURA AND ROMELLE TOGETHER to  OPERATION ROMELLURA™ ]

ambuLANCE: thanks pidge I was already starting to get resent that long-ass name

Aardvark: no problem my guy (⌐■_■)

ambuLANCE: (⌐■_■)

AcxauallyILikeGirls: are you sure they actually like each other though?

[KazooKid sent (3) photos]

KazooKid: yes

KazooKid: but can we do this later i'm about to fall asleep

ambuLANCE: sknzv dn ako2 283 83BP 83 s1881 uhzhJV Nie882 99 hri91owhbf ge

Aardvark: i'm guessing lance fell asleep on his transponder 

InterGAYlactic: big mood

Mattsquito: speaking of transponders, hunk i was able to get shay one of her own

Mattsquito: i'll add her to the main chat once we wake up

KazooKid: yay! ok goodni

AcxauallyILikeGirls: aaaand he's down

AcxauallyILikeGirls: goodnight

[AcxauallyILikeGirls is offline]

Mattsquito: lil sis, knowing you: PIDGE GO TO SLEEP 

Aardvark: sleep? idk her

Mattsquito: close your fucking eyes you gremlin

Aardvark: asshole

Mattsquito: shorty 

Aardvark: titan

Mattsquito: bitch 

Aardvark: motherfucker

Mattsquito: demon

Aardvark: ok fine i'll sleep

Aardvark: fuckign asswipe 

[Aardvark is offline]

[Mattsquito is offline]

 

InterGAYlactic: i was just about to write "is this what it's like to have siblings" but then i remembered that shiro is the same way lmao

 

 

»●°.※✩※.°●«

 

Chapter Text

Ungrateful Ants

Mattsquito: WHAT IS UP FELLOW FURRY HOES

KazooKid: o-

SassyBinch: i’ll smack u so hard that pink synthetic wig will go down the block

Mattsquito: omg

ambuLANCE: pidge i will disown you

KazooKid: i’m

SassyBinch: okay

[SassyBinch sent an image]

KazooKid: i’m calling the cops

SassyBinch: fbi

Mattsquito: hello??? 911 ??

ambuLANCE: yes hello

Mattsquito: 0.0

ambuLANCE: what the fuck do you want

ambuLANCE: state your emergency or i’m hanging up

SassyBinch: bitchass

ambuLANCE: do you have an emergency or can i hang up

SassyBinch: why is this a furry rp gtfo

ambuLANCE: what no i wasn’t doing a furry rp you soggy noodle

KazooKid: I'M-

Mattsquito: toasted grilled burnt to a crisp

[HoneyNutShirios is online]

[InterGAYlactic is online]

[QueenOfAllQueens is online]

[CoranicMechanic is online]

[PurpleCrayon is online]

[ButterflyElf is online]

[AcxauallyILikeGirls is online]

HoneyNutShirios: hEY GANG

SassyBinch: ,,,

ambuLANCE: que mierda

Mattsquito: EVERYONE QUICK describe yourself using a text face

Mattsquito: ᕦ( ͠°◞  °)ᕥ

SassyBinch: (╹◡╹)凸

HoneyNutShirios: ┬──┬ ︵(╯。□。)╯

KazooKid: (✿ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧

ambuLANCE: (ಥ⌣ಥ)︻╦╤─

She’sAKillerQueen: (-_- ✿)ノ

Acxa: ♪☆\(^0^\) ♪(/^-^)/☆♪ (I like music)

CoranicMechanic: ヽ(^෴^)ノ

InterGAYlactic: ┬┴┬┴┤凸( ͡° ͜ʖ├┬┴┬┴

PurpleCrayon: ಠ_ಠ

ButterflyElf: |˚–˚|

HoneyNutShirios: i

ambuLANCE: omg keef

InterGAYlactic: ,,,

InterGAYlactic: lancey lance

 

 

[ambuLANCE added KazooKid , SassyBinch , HoneyNutShirios , She’sAKillerQueen to Keith♡♡♡]

HoneyNutShirios: oh no now i have to deal with two of you

ambuLANCE: hhhhhhh i’m so in love

KazooKid: just, talk to him!

ambuLANCE: i can’t! he’s just so,, and i’m just,,,,, fuck

ambuLANCE: ughh i’m doomed

SassyBinch: try flirting with him

ambuLANCE: believe me, i’ve tried

ambuLANCE: everytime i get bold enough to do it, then i chicken out once i see him

ambuLANCE: he’s just so adorable, brave, strategic, and even though he’s moody and seems hateful he’s actually really sweet and pure

ambuLANCE: whenever he smiles, i feel like i could vault over jupiter

SassyBinch: aw that’s actually really sweet

SassyBinch: keith: [exists] you: I WOULD DIE FOR YOU

ambuLANCE: OK BUT THAT’S SO TRUE IT’S SCARY

KazooKid: oh no i just realized how much your feelings must have been hurt during that space game show thingy

HoneyNutShirios: oh yeah, you guys don’t really talk about that. what happened?

SassyBinch: so basically we appeared in some sort of family feud game show hosted by some guy named bob and he forced us to do it. keith did some sort of pictation thingy and

ambuLANCE: i’m gonna interrupt and just say that bob put keith’s bangs up into a ponytail and a pacifier in his mouth and i fuckin died he was so cute

SassyBinch: and suddenly zarkon, lotor, and some other dude were resurrected just for the game show, also haggar was there too. it was such a dysfunctional family

SassyBinch: zarkon chose lance to do some sort of memory game where he had to remember the names of 5 random aliens we met on our entire space journey since day 1, and lance only got the last one right, who was bi boh bii

SassyBinch: then bi boh bii appeared and gave lance clues when he did a guessing game, which was in bi boh bii’s language and he was CRUSHING it, except the last one. then lance was thrown into a tank of bubbling acid

HoneyNutShirios: oh jeez

SassyBinch: then i had to do a little mini golf thing in order to save lance, but i hit the ball just right for it to bounce everywhere so i could jump on bob and demand that he let us go. but apparently i won the mini game by doing that and lance was poofed back to those game show podiums

SassyBinch: then finally, we had to choose one person on the team to leave the game show and the rest of us would stay there for all eternity, and everyone said something cheesy about who they chose. no one chose themselves, which is how we all got out. i, for obvious reasons, chose hunk, hunk chose allura, allura chose me, and guess who chose each other

HoneyNutShirios: lance and keith?

KazooKid: yes, or in other words klance

ambuLANCE: sksksks

SassyBinch: but the thing is, keith bullshitted his way through it and didn’t even give a good explanation as to why he chose lance

KazooKid: lance said “i chose keith. he’s our leader, plus he’s half galra, so i think he’s, like, the future” and keith said “i just don’t want to be stuck here for eternity with lance”

ambuLANCE: i’m still upset by it

HoneyNutShirios: wow look at that it’s lecture time

ambuLANCE: NO NONO WAIT don’t do that

ambuLANCE: then he’s gonna think i’m just selfish and trying to guilt trip him into saying something nice about me

HoneyNutShirios: i highly doubt that

ambuLANCE: please shiro?

HoneyNutShirios: alright, but you two will have to talk about this at some point

ambuLANCE: i know, i just

ambuLANCE: i don’t want him to feel pressured or anything, and he likes to keep these kind of things private with no one else up in his/our business

HoneyNutShirios: yeah

She’sAKillerQueen: Wait so, Lance is in love with Keith?

KazooKid: that was established

ambuLANCE: wHaT dO i Do

She’sAKillerQueen: Just talk to him, Lance. Nothing too professional or personal, just… talk. Make him laugh, open up to him about something to subtly let him know that you trust him. But don’t force anything, the most important part is letting the conversation come into its own.

SassyBinch: i never knew you were such a romantic, allura

She’sAKillerQueen: Yes, well, it’s a talent.

She’sAKillerQueen: Oh! Coran asked me to tell you four that we’re almost at our next stop. He already let the others know. Lance, you can talk to Keith there!

ambuLANCE: alright, wish me luck

HoneyNutShirios: you’ll be fine

KazooKid: you’ll do great, bro!

SassyBinch: yeah sure

[ambuLANCE is offline]

SassyBinch: he won’t need luck

KazooKid: keith too?

HoneyNutShirios: yep

 

 

 

InterGAYlactic > HoneyNutShirios

InterGAYlactic: SHIRO

InterGAYlactic: WHERE’S LANCE

HoneyNutShirios: calm down i was just talking to him

InterGAYlactic: is he okay?

HoneyNutShirios: yep, he was just worrying about something, but it’s all good now

InterGAYlactic: about what??

HoneyNutShirios: that's completely confidential, but he's fine so you don't need to worry

InterGAYlactic: ,,,,,,,,,,,, ok,,,

 

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

[CoranicMechanic is offline]

[PurpleCrayon is offline]

Mattsquito: oh i almost forgot

[Mattsquito added Shay to Ungrateful Ants]

[ambuLANCE is online]

KazooKid: !! :O

Shay: hello all! matt showed me the group chat, so i know about it and who is who already

KazooKid: shay!!! :D

Shay: :D hunk!!

ambuLANCE: :\ lance¡

Aardvark: are you ok

ambuLANCE: hahahahahahhahahahahhaha no

AcxauallyILikeGirls: why not

ambuLANCE: haaaaa anxiety

ambuLANCE: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Mattsquito: oofie 

KazooKid: what's got you down bud?

ambuLANCE: oh :) you know :) just,, ranting to myself about not being good enough :)) for You Know Who :))))))

KazooKid: i say vol, and you say tron!

KazooKid: vol?

ambuLANCE: demort 

KazooKid: yeah you're definitely out of it 

InterGAYlactic: alright [whips out a giant roll of paper filled with names] who do i gotta put on my hit list

ambuLANCE: put me down bls 

InterGAYlactic: wait no i take it back

ambuLANCE: blease 

HoneyNutShirios: no death for you

ambuLANCE: damnit 

She'sAKillerQueen: Oh I see who you're talking about...

ambuLANCE: hhhhn i just 

ambuLANCE: :) i'm a mess :)))

Mattsquito: I'M A LOSER

ambuLANCE: I'M A HATER I'M A USER

Mattsquito: I'M A MESS FOR YOUR LOVE IT AIN'T NEW

ambuLANCE: I'M OBSESSED I'M EMBARRASSED 

Mattsquito: I DON'T TRUST NO ONE AROUND US

ambuLANCE: I'M A MESS FOR YOUR LOVE IT AIN'T NEW

HoneyNutShirios: -_- i don't know why i didn't expect anything different from you two

Aardvark: i have raised you well, matt

Aardvark: mattyb raps

Aardvark: mattress

Aardvark: yoga mat

Mattsquito: bitch i'm older than you, i let you inherit my knowledge 

InterGAYlactic: what the fuck is even going on

Aardvark: i wasn't done asshole 

Aardvark: ,, crystal math

Mattsquito: [bows excessively] yes thank you, thank you

Aardvark: besides, i took your intellect as well as enhancing mine to surpass your own, i took all the credit for it, i'm not a meme AND i evolved into a whole-ass pidgeot while you're still an unevolved wooper 

Mattsquito: >:O

KazooKid: oy vey

ambuLANCE: but seriously, i'm a mess for this person and in general and bsbhjajsbdbsja

 ambuLANCE: i'm gonna fuckign,,,,,

ambuLANCE: ugh 

 

 

Keith♡♡♡

ambuLANCE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ambuLANCE: AAAAAifuckinglovethisboyAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

ambuLANCE: he's got perfectly clear skin, his eyes are such a beautifully deep purple that seem to withhold galaxies inside them, he can actually pull off a mullet really well and it looks so soft and i just wanna run my fingers through it, and that scar??? hO BOy it's so fucking hOT I JUST???????

ambuLANCE: MMMMMMMMMMM HOT DAMN I WANT HIM

Aardvark: disgustening

KazooKid: *disgusting 

Aardvark: did i fucking stutter 

HoneyNutShirios: this is honestly pretty cute

HoneyNutShirios: lance i give you my blessing

ambuLANCE: skjdhsjsjfjfd thanks shkshdhs 

KazooKid: we're landing in a few seconds, go get your man!!

ambuLANCE: akfbbsbsnanan 

[ambuLANCE is offline]

[HoneyNutShirios is offline]

[KazooKid is offline]

[Aardvark is offline]

[She'sAKillerQueen is offline]

 

 

 »●°.※✩※.°●«

 

Chapter Text

Aardvark > InterGAYlactic

Aardvark: you're smiling like an idiot what did he do this time

InterGAYlactic: lance and i were talking to each other alone

Aardvark: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

InterGAYlactic: no stop 

InterGAYlactic: and he started opening up to me about some personal stuff?? like insecurities? and so i was reassuring him about himself and how amazing he is

InterGAYlactic: and then he smiled and it was the most precious thing i've ever seen?!?! 

InterGAYlactic: anD wE HuGgeD

Aardvark: whipped

InterGAYlactic: hnggjjgjjgjg sure

Aardvark: :0 admittance

Aardvark: so when are you gonna confess

InterGAYlactic: currently i’m set on ‘never’

Aardvark: yikers what the fuck

InterGAYlactic: i’m almost certain that he’d reject me or something, cause it’s pretty obvious that he just thinks of me as a friend

Aardvark: christ

 

 

[Aardvark added HoneyNutShirios, KazooKid, She’sAKillerQueen, PurpleCrayon and AcxauallyILikeGirls to Klance Are Idiots]

[Aardvark sent (1) screenshot]

Aardvark: i’m a split second away from bashing someone’s head into a wall

She’sAKillerQueen: “Klance”?

HoneyNutShirios: keith and lance

She’sAKillerQueen: Ah, yes I forgot.

PurpleCrayon: Is this supposed to be a…

PurpleCrayon: Uh

PurpleCrayon: What’s the Earth term again?

PurpleCrayon: A romantic pairing?

KazooKid: yes!! exactly that!

KazooKid: oh wait, are you okay with that? y’know... considering that keith is your son and all, and he and lance are guys

PurpleCrayon: Of course I am! It’s very common in Galra culture for there to be same-sex relationships. During our mission on the space whale, all that Keith would ever talk about was Lance

PurpleCrayon: It was always “Lance this!” or “Lance that!” “I miss Lance!” “I wonder if Lance will remember me” “What if I get back and Lance looks really different? What if he’s dead?!” “Does Lance miss me?” and “Once Lance and I had a bonding moment, and even though he claims he doesn’t remember I know deep down in my heart that he does!”

HoneyNutShirios: i understand your pain

AcxauallyILikeGirls: I never really took keith as a talkative person?

She’sAKillerQueen: He’s not….

[Aardvark sent (5) screenshots]

Aardvark: he is when it’s about lance

[KazooKid sent (9) screenshots]

KazooKid: and lance when he's talking about keith

AcxauallyILikeGirls: when I first joined the group chat, lance privately interrogated me about those rumors that I had ‘liked’ keith

[AcxauallyILikeGirls sent (2) screenshots]

PurpleCrayon: They both seem to be really good for each other

HoneyNutShirios: yeah, they really are. they’re both good kids and i can tell that they really love and care about each other

PurpleCrayon: But if Lance even takes /one step/ in the wrong direction, I’ll snap his neck, cut him into a bunch of pieces, rearrange and stitch the pieces together, and hang him up like an Earth quilt

HoneyNutShirios: well that was very graphic but i agree

Aardvark: with that in mind i think lance would make a good quilt

KazooKid: but what if keith does something to lance?

AcxauallyILikeGirls: then we'll kick /his/ ass

PurpleCrayon: Keith would make a very nice quilt too

KazooKid: shuvjbww ;hpaif1 K R O L I A HE'S YOUR SON

 PurpleCrayon: we have friendly banter every now and then

HoneyNutShirios: matt would be a great quilt 

She'sAKillerQueen: A quilt is an Earth blanket, right? I believe Lance would best match Altean draperies.

AcxauallyILikeGirls: I've worked with matt for the past few decaphoebs, he's the best suited for a quilt

KazooKid: i don't wanna murder any of my best friends (with some exceptions)

KazooKid: buuuut i'm agreeing with the 'lance quilt' side

Aardvark: we need more evidence

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

Aardvark: who would make a better quilt: lance, keith or matt 

Aardvark: vote now 

Mattsquito: me, duh

She'sAKillerQueen: Lance

KazooKid: lance 

HoneyNutShirios: matt 

ButterflyElf: Hmm, I believe I'd have to say..... Lance

PurpleCrayon: Lance

AcxauallyILikeGirls: Matt

InterGAYlactic: i don't want to ever hurt lance in the slightest, so matt's gonna die 

ambuLANCE: holy dnbdvsgsvvd

Aardvark: man i'd love to hang matt up on my wall above my bed back home, or i could use his quilt as a flag and tie him to a pole and stick him on top of green 

ambuLANCE: how DARE all of you 

Aardvark: what, are you offended?

ambuLANCE: yes actually 

ambuLANCE: it's extremely obvious that keith would be the softest quilt 

InterGAYlactic: excuse me what the fuck

InterGAYlactic: did you just insinuate that you want to kill me

ambuLANCE: no, you just have the softest hair, your height is adorable, AND last but not least!!!! all i've ever dreamed of is cuddling you

 

 

ambuLANCE > KazooKid

ambuLANCE: whathaveidonewhathaveidonewhathaveidooooooooonnneee

 

 

InterGAYlactic > ambuLANCE

InterGAYlactic: are you being serious? or is this another one of your jokes 

ambuLANCE: do you really think i'd joke about something like this

InterGAYlactic: well......

ambuLANCE: >:(( boi

InterGAYlactic: ok no i actually really don't think you would

ambuLANCE: exactly

ambuLANCE: i'm being absolutely serious when i say that i've admired you ever since i first laid eyes on you at the garrison

InterGAYlactic: ok well what if i told you that i /did/ know who you were at the time but i pretended not to because you had a massive glow-up and i got flustered so i had to play it cool to keep up my bad boy reputation

InterGAYlactic: wait no

InterGAYlactic: hhh 

InterGAYlactic: actually fuck it i don't mind

InterGAYlactic: ...

InterGAYlactic: lance?

InterGAYlactic: oh no i scared you away didn't i 

ambuLANCE: no! no nonononoonono just

ambuLANCE: holy mother of god

ambuLANCE: just trying to process the fact that YOU

InterGAYlactic: oh no

ambuLANCE: THE /KEITH KOGANE/

ambuLANCE: GETS FLUSTERED

InterGAYlactic: yes i admit it i get flustered all the time shhhhhhhhhhhhh

InterGAYlactic: and if you breathe a word of this to anyone i will change my name and escape to mars 

ambuLANCE: nO dON'T LEAVE ME HERE 

InterGAYlactic: I WOULDN'T LEAVE YOU WHAT THE FUCK 

ambuLANCE: BUT YOU JUST SAID

InterGAYlactic: NOPE DON'T EVEN

InterGAYlactic: WHO WOULD I TAKE TO DISNEY WORLD IF I LEFT YOU BEHIND

ambuLANCE: :o 

InterGAYlactic: yeah i've got a swear jar for shiro and a quarter gets added every time he swears

InterGAYlactic: i'm aiming to get enough to go to disney world with at least one other person

InterGAYlactic: other than shiro, you're the only person i'd want to go with

InterGAYlactic: honestly i'd be a lot happier if we went instead of shiro and i 

ambuLANCE: :O HOLY SHIRT KEITH IS SOFT TOO

InterGAYlactic: holy shirt 

ambuLANCE: LET ME LIVE 

InterGAYlactic: NO

ambuLANCE: anyway yeah i promise not to tell anyone 

InterGAYlactic: thank you, my favorite person

ambuLANCE: :D SOFT KEITH :D:D:D

InterGAYlactic: :) 

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

Aardvark: HOLY SHIT KEITH I JUST REALIZED 

InterGAYlactic: THAT WHEN WE GET BACK TO EARTH WE'RE GONNA GET TO BINGE ALL THE EPISODES OF BUZZFEED UNSOLVED WE MISSED

Aardvark: YEAH THAT

Aardvark: AND

Aardvark: BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN COVERING UP THE EXISTENCE OF ALIENS SINCE FOREVER, WHAT IF THEY KNEW ABOUT THE INTERGALACTIC WAR OF PEACE BETWEEN THE GALRAN EMPIRE AND EVERYONE ELSE

InterGAYlactic: ........

InterGAYlactic: OJH YM GDO

ambuLANCE: what the fuck

InterGAYlactic: THIS IS MORE EVIDENCE THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS MORE FUCKED UP THAN WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT

Aardvark: YEAH I KNOW

InterGAYlactic: EITHER THE GOVERNMENT AND THE MILITARY WERE ADAMANT ABOUT KEEPING IT TO THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY'RE SELFISH

InterGAYlactic: /OR/

InterGAYlactic: THEY FOUND OUT, THE MEN IN BLACK CAME FOR THEM, AND THEN SUCKED THOSE MEMORIES FROM THEIR MINDS BECAUSE PRESIDENT ORANGE BABYHANDS CAN'T BE TRUSTED WITH ANY KIND OF SENSITIVE INFORMATION

ambuLANCE: :0

HoneyNutShirios: "president orange babyhands" i'M whEezIGn 

Aardvark: KEITH OML

InterGAYlactic: NEW THEORY: THE GARRISON WORKS HAND IN HAND WITH THE MEN IN BLACK, CHANGE MY MIND

ambuLANCE: i mean, it /makes sense/

Aardvark: wait, what if there's a nessie planet

Aardvark: and a bigfoot planet

Aardvark: a goatman planet

InterGAYlactic: a chupacabra planet

ambuLANCE: keith! a mothman planet!!

InterGAYlactic: MÖTHMÄN

InterGAYlactic: ÄLLÜRÄ ÏS THËRË Ä MӦTHMÄN PLÄNËT

She'sAKillerQueen: Sorry, but what the quiznack is a mothman??

[Aardvark sent (1) link and (1) picture]

She'sAKillerQueen: I see.

She'sAKillerQueen: I believe there is a planet with these creatures.

CoranicMechanic: There is indeed!

InterGAYlactic: HÖLŸ SHÏT

ambuLANCE: guys uhh i can see keith vibrating through the video feed what the fuck

InterGAYlactic: WË HÄVË TӦ GӦ THËRË

InterGAYlactic: ËVËRŸÖNË GËT YÖÜR LÄMPS Ï'M TÜRNÏNG THÏS LÏÖN ÄRÖÜND

HoneyNutShirios: KEITH NO

HoneyNutShirios: DON'T YOU EVEN /DARE/

InterGAYlactic: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD

HoneyNutShirios: I RAISED YOU EVER SINCE YOU WERE LIKE, 10

InterGAYlactic: /YOU'RE NOT MY DAD/

InterGAYlactic: YOU ALWAYS WANNA HEAR SOMETHING

InterGAYlactic: ugly ass, fuckin.... noodlehead

KazooKid: oh my god

HoneyNutShirios: HOW DARE YOU USE VINES AGAINST YOUR OWN FATHER

HoneyNutShirios: I WAS CAPTURED AND TORTURED BY A CULT OF PURPLE FURRIES, STRAPPED TO A TABLE BY OLD FRIENDS WHEN I FINALLY GOT BACK TO EARTH, KIDNAPPED BY A BUNCH OF 5 YEAR OLDS, VAULTED /BACK/ INTO SPACE INSIDE OF A BLUE SENTIENT MECHA-CAT, ADOPTED BY A GIANT BLACK SENTIENT MECHA-CAT, BECAME THE PSEUDO-FATHER OF THE 5 YEAR OLD CHILDREN, FORMED A BIG ROBOT MAN, FOUGHT AND DESTROYED THE 10,000+ YEAR OLD TURTLE EMPEROR, DIED AND BECAME A SPARKLY PURPLE GHOST INSIDE THE BLACK MECHA-CAT, FORCED TO SIT THERE IN A PURPLE BEANBAG INSIDE BLACK'S CONCIENSE AND WATCH EVERYTHING THAT YOU WERE DOING INSTEAD OF AN ACTUAL VACATION (MOST OF THE TIME I SAT THERE WITH MY HEAD IN MY HANDS BECAUSE OF ALL THE TOMFOOLERY, BUT THAT'S NORMAL SO), WAS RESURRECTED AND MY CONSCIENCE WAS THROWN INTO THE ALMOST-DEAD BODY OF MY CLONE WHICH PRETTY MUCH RENDERS ME A TECHNICAL ZOMBIE, I'VE GOTTA DEAL WITH YOU FOOLS IN CLOSE QUARTERS FOR A YEAR-AND-A-HALF, AND NOW MY OWN SON HAS BETRAYED ME

HoneyNutShirios: I CAN'T TAKE IT

HoneyNutShirios: [dramatically poses midleap like a ballerina being gently blown in the breeze, and floats away on a gust of rainbows]

Aardvark: wow shiro's even more dramatic than lance

InterGAYlactic: I'M NOT YOUR SON I'M YOUR BROTHER

HoneyNutShirios: BROTHER

InterGAYlactic: long live the king

InterGAYlactic: [throws you out of the black lion]

HoneyNutShirios: AAAAAAAAAAAAA

ButterflyElf: Bye Felicia

ambuLANCE: sjdjhjaidwjjusi

ambuLANCE: okay but that scene was super sad

KazooKid: i'm not sure if i should be crying or laughing

Mattsquito: both

KazooKid: ajdhbsws okay

Aardvark: the broganes are wild

HoneyNutShirios: [feral screeching]

InterGAYlactic: shiro what the absolute fuck

HoneyNutShirios: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

ambuLANCE: ladies and gentlemen, we got em 

ambuLANCE: we finally broke takashi shirogane

ambuLANCE: press f to pay respects

ambuLANCE: f

Aardvark: f

ButterflyElf: F

She'sAKillerQueen: "F"

Mattsquito: f

KazooKid: f

PurpleCrayon: F

AcxauallyILikeGirls: F

InterGAYlactic: he doesn't deserve my respect

HoneyNutShirios: understandable have a nice day

Aardvark: would you like to share with us your last will and testament 

HoneyNutShirios: a fucking vacation maybe

InterGAYlactic: i'm 25 cents closer to disney world

HoneyNutShirios: damnit

InterGAYlactic: another 25

HoneyNutShirios: quiznack

InterGAYlactic: i'm counting altean swears too

HoneyNutShirios: uggghhhhhh fine 

InterGAYlactic: no please go on i wanna go to disney world with a certain someone

ambuLANCE: :)

InterGAYlactic: :)

 

 

Klance Are Idiots

Aardvark: wOW what a /wEIRD ENCOUNTER/

KazooKid: hmMMMM

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

HoneyNutShirios: ........

[HoneyNutShirios changed InterGAYlactic's name to InterGAYlactoseIntolerantMotherfucker] 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerantMotherfucker: bitch

HoneyNutShirios: bitch x2

[InterGAYlactoseIntolerantMotherfucker changed their name to InterGAYlactoseIntolerant]

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: at least get my name right smh

HoneyNutShirios: are you gonna start taking care of yourself now that you've admitted it

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: no and i'm gonna be the biggest prick about it

HoneyNutShirios: thought so

ButterflyElf: So you dont "fuck mothers"?

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: i'm fucking gay

ambuLANCE: for me right ;)

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: wtf ew no

 

 

Klance Are Idiots

Aardvark: spot the liar

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

ambuLANCE: hey hey it's alright i was just joking

ambuLANCE: i didn't mean anything by it

 

 

Klance Are Idiots

Mattsquito: spot the liar: blue edition

HoneyNutShirios: [toasterbathtub]

 

 »●°.※✩※.°●«

 

Chapter Text

[ambuLANCE added InterGAYlactoseIntolerantKazooKidAardvarkMattsquitoAcxauallyILikeGirls, and CoranicMechanic to etch-a-sketch me like one of your french girls]

ambuLANCE: i'm boooooooooooooooreeeeeeeeeeed 

KazooKid: you made another chat

KazooKid: to tell us what we've all been feeling this whole time

ambuLANCE: i actually made it so us teens can have an adult-free zone where we can say shit and not get indirectly thrown out an airlock

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: coran is literally the oldest person we've ever met

ambuLANCE: ok but coran's different, he's the cool crazy uncle who is as insane as the rest of us (minus acxa, she's not quite there yet)

AcxauallyILikeGirls: wow thanks

ambuLANCE: you know it

Aardvark: trust me, that was a compliment

AcxauallyILikeGirls: ...... thanks?

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: also everyone here except pidge is technically an adult 

ambuLANCE: ... fuck

ambuLANCE: just.... shhhhh

Mattsquito: so what is hip hop happening today my dudes

Aardvark: please never say that ever again

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: i saw shiro fiddling around with his hair earlier 

KazooKid: your point?

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: no you don't understand 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: he borrowed a bunch of allura's hair ties and tied up his floof all the way to the edge

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: and declared, quote: "i'm a pretty unicorn and my favorite color is magenta"

ambuLANCE: xofvbbzbfhd 

KazooKid: wild 

Aardvark: why didn't we know about this side of shiro before 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: idk man

 

 

 

 

ambuLANCE > KazooKid

ambuLANCE: oh my god he said floof

ambuLANCE: he's so adORABLE I AM GOING TO DIE

KazooKid: i know bud 

 

 

 

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

Mattsquito: does anyone know what sand tastes like

HoneyNutShirios: sigh

Mattsquito: it's a serious question!!! 

Aardvark: matt you've been trying to figure this out for years 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: it tastes like sand??

Mattsquito: no i'm looking for a description

She'sAKillerQueen: Can't you just find whatever this "sand" is that you're talking about and taste it for yourself?

Mattsquito: i've had it before, but i wanna know HOW TO DESCRIBE IT

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: crunchy

ambuLANCE: crunchy munchy yellow scrunchie

Mattsquito: THE TASTE YOU SWINES 

ambuLANCE: >:O HOW DARE

Aardvark: you wanna say that to my face

Mattsquito: S W I N E

Aardvark: BLOODY PEASANT-

Mattsquito: COME SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM! HELP! HELP! I'M BEING REPRESSED!

HoneyNutShirios: monty python and the holy grail?

Aardvark: best movie to ever exist

ambuLANCE: keith!

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: what 

ambuLANCE: when we get back to earth, can i watch buzzfeed unsolved with you 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: !!!

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: hell yeah!!!!!

Aardvark: lance are you a shaniac or a boogara

ambuLANCE: shaniac 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: :O i can't handle such heartbreak

Aardvark: SHOT THROUGH THE HEART

Aardvark: AND YOU'RE TO BLAME

ambuLANCE: i'm guessing you guys are boogara's?

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: yeah

Aardvark: for the most part

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: excuse me what do you mean "for the most part"

Aardvark: meh, i'm kinda on the fence sometimes about ghosts

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: betrayal.jpeg

Aardvark: I'M ON AND OFF ABOUT THEM

Aardvark: anyway,

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: rude

Aardvark: if keith and lance hosted bu, it's pretty obvious that keith is ryan and lance is shane

ambuLANCE: ...... keith doesn't get scared

Aardvark: are you kidding

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: shut up

Aardvark: sometimes we'd sneak off the castleship to go cryptid/ghost hunting and he'd go bonkers

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupSHUTUP 

HoneyNutShirios: once i was trying to make an omelette and the pan part snapped off the handle, and keith shot like 3 feet in the air

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: i'm gonna murk you both in your sleep, count on it

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: is anyone else gonna expose me and take a stab at my reputation?

ambuLANCE: one time,,

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: SHUT THE FUCK UP DON'T YOU DARE 

ambuLANCE: kidding

 

 

 

 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant > Aardvark

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: it'd be pretty scary but sUPER HOT if lance taunted ghosts and demons the way shane does

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: because HOLY SHIT THIS BOY

Aardvark: oh mY GOD

 

»●°.※✩※.°●«

 

Chapter Text

ambuLANCE > KazooKid

ambuLANCE: HELP

KazooKid: ??

ambuLANCE: HE'S SO PRETTY I'M

ambuLANCE: hhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

KazooKid: ASK HIM OUT ALREADY

ambuLANCE: NO HE DOESN'T LIKE ME BACK

KazooKid: ARE YOU SURE

ambuLANCE: ......... NOt really

KazooKid: do you have any evidence that points to the possibility of keith liking you back?

ambuLANCE: ........................ yeahhhh???

KazooKid: then i wouldn't have anything to worry about if i were you

ambuLANCE: ok

ambuLANCE: wait a minute

ambuLANCE: what do you mean i have nothing to worry about

KazooKid: just uh, if you tell him then i doubt it'll get in the way of your friendship if he doesn't feel the same

ambuLANCE: yeah

ambuLANCE: soooooooo how's shaaaaaaaay?

KazooKid: oh! she's great actually!! we've been talking for a while, and she confessed to me recently. so she's my girlfriend now!

ambuLANCE: YES HUNK!! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU MAN!!!

KazooKid: AAAAA THANKS

KazooKid: but now i wanna talk about you and keith 

ambuLANCE: oh no,,

KazooKid: what makes you think he doesn't like you?

ambuLANCE: i don't know, i think a lot of it's just my depression telling me i'm not good enough for him

ambuLANCE: my anxiety keeps dragging me into a dark alleyway to hold my hopes hostage, and even if i refuse to give up it takes hold of them anyway?????

ambuLANCE: besides, he already told us during truth or dare that he's in love with someone else

ambuLANCE: and there is absolutely /no way/ that it could be me: the stupid, annoying, goofball/2948753129387th wheel

ambuLANCE: but like, i know i've gotta tell him sometime?? even though i know my heart'll end up broken

KazooKid: yo

KazooKid: okay first of all,, you are not! a! (insert number here)! wheel!

KazooKid: you're our amazing, spirit lifting, selfless sharpshooter!! you've unlocked 3 /three!/ bayard forms! i don't think anyone else has unlocked even 1 or 2

KazooKid: if keith doesn't fall for you, then that's his loss

KazooKid: but something tells me that that won't happen

ambuLANCE: i don't know man,,,

KazooKid: at least think about it!! can't keep our readers waiting!

ambuLANCE: wtf hunk this isn't some sappy yet edgy fanfic

KazooKid: i know, but i've always wanted to say that like it is a fanfic, even though it's not

KazooKid: (.... or is it)

ambuLANCE: ,, anyway

KazooKid: rUDE

ambuLANCE: yeah i'll think about it

KazooKid: good, we can't keep watching you tiptoe around him for much longer without bursting

ambuLANCE: oKAY BYE

 

 

 

 

Klance Are Idiots

[KazooKid sent (4) screenshots]

Aardvark: oh thank god

She'sAKillerQueen: I just hope this confession happens soon.

KazooKid: ditto

HoneyNutShirios: don't we all

 

 

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

CoranicMechanic: Will someone please tell Krolia to stop abusing me?

PurpleCrayon: I'll stop when you stop trying to loop me into your shit!

CoranicMechanic: I'LL stop when YOU stop hurling those edible circles at me!

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: mom why are you throwing food goo crackers at coran

PurpleCrayon: He's telling me about ancient Altean gangs and trying to get me to help him perform a cult ritual!

HoneyNutShirios: please don't do that

CoranicMechanic: Oh alright, perhaps Allura and Romelle will join me.

HoneyNutShirios: i meant don't do it AT ALL

CoranicMechanic: ... Fine.

Aardvark: daaaad, krolia said the shit word

ambuLANCE: pff "the shit word"

HoneyNutShirios: i'm not your dad

KazooKid: that dramatic monologue you did the other day suggests otherwise

HoneyNutShirios: ,,, yeah ok

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: she probably picked up on some swears from me during our time on the space whale

PurpleCrayon: And your father

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: him too

Shay: what's going on??

KazooKid: S H A Y !

Shay: HUNKY!!

ambuLANCE: aww that's adorable 

Shay: i know, he is

KazooKid: <3

Shay: <3

Aardvark: from the bottom of my cold little heart: ew romance 

KazooKid: thank you

Aardvark: yw 

Shay: sorry i haven't been interacting! my grandmother has been ill lately and so i've been helping take care of her

KazooKid: oh no! i love your grandma!! is she okay? is the sickness bad??

Shay: she's doing alright for now, and it's similar to the human flu 

Mattsquito: oof 

HoneyNutShirios: yikes, i hate the flu because it makes me feel older than i already am

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: you're not old

HoneyNutShirios: semantics

Shay: but my grandma is getting better everyday! mainly thanks to the fact that she taught me how to make her famous soup

KazooKid: okay no offense, but your grandma's soup isn't that great

Shay: compared to your cooking? i agree

KazooKid: aww thanks shay 

Shay: :) <3

Aardvark: again: ew romance

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: long ago, i would have agreed

Aardvark: shut up keith i'll never look at you the same way again

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: all i ever did was fall in love you douchebag

Aardvark: exactly

 

 

 

 

Keith ♡♡♡

ambuLANCE: :(

KazooKid: [sympathetically pats your back] there there

KazooKid: dude just fUCKIN CONFESS

ambuLANCE: :'(((

 

 

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: oh i'm sorry that i can't be asexual and aromantic like you 

Aardvark: ,,,,,,,, you're forgiven :p

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: :0

Aardvark: i'm gonna be honest here and say: i'm lesbian for the loch ness monster

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: so you're a gayce 

Aardvark: yes

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: cool

 

 

 

 

ButterflyElf > She'sAKillerQueen

ButterflyElf: Hey, Allura?

She'sAKillerQueen: Yes Romelle?

ButterflyElf: Once you have the time, I would like to tell you something in private.

She'sAKillerQueen: Oh, of course! There is... something that you need to know as well.

ButterflyElf: Alright. How about I meet you at the big cone-shaped blue tree near the river in a few vargas?

She'sAKillerQueen: Sounds like a plan <3

ButterflyElf: <3

 

»●°.※✩※.°●«

 

Chapter Text

Ungrateful Ants

She'sAKillerQueen: Everyone, Romelle and I have an announcement to make.

Aardvark: :O

ambuLANCE: ooo~

HoneyNutShirios: is it what i think it's gonna be

ButterflyElf: We are now an official couple.

KazooKid: OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS

Aardvark: HOLY SHIT

ambuLANCE: WOAH

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: !!!!!!!!!

HoneyNutShirios: two down, one more to go

ambuLANCE: ???

HoneyNutShirios: don't worry about it

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: now he /will/ worry about whatever it ish0q46 @wi0 SO Ugbi*o/~^p o e e8Hgu4&O! i1

Aardvark: uhhhh 

KazooKid: what happened

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: i tripped 

ambuLANCE: OH NO ARE YOU OKAY

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: yeah

ambuLANCE: DO YOU NEED

ambuLANCE: AN /AMBULANCE/

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: no i

ambuLANCE: TOO LATE HERE I COMEEEEE

ambuLANCE: WEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOO

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: jfc

 

 

 

 

 

HoneyNutShirios > InterGAYlactoseIntolerant

HoneyNutShirios: you know,

HoneyNutShirios: being surrounded by couples and two boys dancing around each other

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: read: my lance situation is giving you grey hairs

HoneyNutShirios: yes and no

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: you thinking about adam again?

HoneyNutShirios: ... yeah

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: i know he still cares about you, and i'm 85% sure he still loves you

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: and i know you and adam really well, since you adopted me as a certified younger brother and we lived with adam

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: but even after you guys broke up and he pretended not to care, he was devastated when we got the news about the kerberos mission

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: he cried every night, and he told me that he regretted breaking up (then again he was still pretty fucking pissed when he heard about the mission failure)

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: he wanted to spend as much time as he could with you, since you had that muscle disease and didn't know exactly how much time you had left

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: he said that once he realized he couldn't change your mind, he decided to break up with you because he didn't want to be as attached in case of an incident with the mission

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: y'know, to lessen the emotional burden

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: but he said that he still loved you as much as ever, and all he wanted was for you to miraculously return home, because he believes you're still alive (but idk if he still believes it)

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: i'm positive that he still loves you and wants more than anything for you to get back safely

HoneyNutShirios: keith i'm crying

HoneyNutShirios: i'll

HoneyNutShirios: i'm gonna think about this for a while

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: you do that

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: and no matter what, i'll always be your little brother

HoneyNutShirios: thanks akira

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: anytime, takashi

HoneyNutShirios: hang on i'm heading over to your location 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: you need a hug?

HoneyNutShirios: yeah

 

»●°.※✩※.°●«

 

Chapter Text

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant > ambuLANCE

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: wontons

ambuLANCE: what

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: w W oNTONs

ambuLANCE: keith what the fuck are you ok

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: eeeee  wHinTons 

ambuLANCE: ,,,,,,,,,,,,

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: r uy an ewok 

ambuLANCE: hi this is the ambulance please don't do drugs,,

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: boop 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: hehehhehe yur a hippo nwo 

 

 

 

 

ambuLANCE > HoneyNutShirios

[ambuLANCE sent (1) screenshot]

ambuLANCE: is he okay

HoneyNutShirios: this is the product of being sleep deprived as well as downing a jug of nunvil because he thought it was fruit punch

ambuLANCE: why,,,

ambuLANCE: why do i find him endearing,,,,,,

HoneyNutShirios: don't ask me, ask your brain

HoneyNutShirios: it's in his blood, he's an idiot

ambuLANCE: no, he's a nerd

ambuLANCE: and an idiot sometimes yeah, but it's still cute

HoneyNutShirios: whipped 

ambuLANCE: stfu

HoneyNutShirios: when are you gonna confess to him

ambuLANCE: aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ambuLANCE: EVERYONE KEEPS ASKING ME AND IT'S GETTING ANNOYING AND I JUST SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HoneyNutShirios: NOOOO

HoneyNutShirios: IF YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO US THEN YOU'D BE FEELING EVEN WORSE 

ambuLANCE: BUT THEN BY THE TIME I'D CONFESS AND HE'D REJECT ME, I'D HAVE ALREADY BEEN UPSET

HoneyNutShirios: GOD DAMMIT

 

 

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

Mattsquito: why are we all dead

ambuLANCE: are you being possessed because you're obviously not a ghost

Aardvark: YOU KNOW WHAT LANCE

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: hrhfgdhdf shtu up shane

HoneyNutShirios: KEITH GO TO SLEEP

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: nooooooooooooooo i don wannaaaaaa 

Aardvark: wha 

ambuLANCE: WEEHHH 

Mattsquito: waluigi 

ambuLANCE: my spirit animal

KazooKid: liar that's coran's spirit animal

ambuLANCE: yeah u rite

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: awa 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: ewe 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: owo

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: uwu

Aardvark: wh WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH KEITH

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: bls,, u must be mistaken,,,,

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: i am he and he is me and i'll be keithman 

Mattsquito: what in the fucm 

HoneyNutShirios: he's a sleep deprived little shit who also drank nunvil because he thought it was fruit punch 

Aardvark: BIG OOF

KazooKid: yike yike yike

Mattsquito: make him go to bed what the fuck 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: iiiiiiiiiiiiii have a knife

HoneyNutShirios: i don't wanna die /yet/

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: i will shank,,

HoneyNutShirios: keith no 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: keith yes

ambuLANCE: keith no

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: aww

HoneyNutShirios: slander

 

 

 

 

HoneyNutShirios > ambuLANCE

HoneyNutShirios: SEE HE OBVIOUSLY RESPECTS YOU MORE THAN ME

ambuLANCE: RESGHFGJSRDERTF 

 

 

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: why nooottttt 

ambuLANCE: because he's your brother and you love him

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: noooo i love youuuuuuuuuuuu lanceeeey 

Aardvark: oop 

ambuLANCE: AIJCHZNXBAHHCYTCVTTAIAIXC NO YOU DON'T YOU'RE FUCKIN SLEEP DEPRIVED

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: but i wana slepe with you 

ambuLANCE: MSNFIDJHFBFBAKSLAPAOSOKDKFNSBBAVSJUFUFYYWVXDHBRNAFBBEHASFOVHTBTTAUWORHFBSNKFJGUISIWIUFUF

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: i bet ur cuddly

ambuLANCE: UM,,,

ambuLANCE: I,,,,,,, HAVE TO UH, GO SOMEWHERE 

ambuLANCE: GOTTA TAKE A NAP

ambuLANCE: YEAH THAT'S IT

HoneyNutShirios: can keith take one with you 

ambuLANCE: SURE

ambuLANCE: ,, WAIT FUCK

HoneyNutShirios: :) too late :)

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: yaaayyyy lance cuddless 

ambuLANCE: HHHHHHH FINE

 

 

 

 

ambuLANCE > HoneyNutShirios

ambuLANCE: YOU'RE KILLIN ME SMALLS 

HoneyNutShirios: oh well

 

 

 

 

Keith♡♡♡

ambuLANCE: SHIRO YOU MOTHERFUCKER I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO SHOOT YOU OR GIVE YOU MY LIVER

Aardvark: what the fuck

HoneyNutShirios: i'll take a second death thanks

ambuLANCE: too bad here you go

HoneyNutShirios: thanks i hate it

KazooKid: ,,, is keith actually taking a nap with lance

ambuLANCE: WHY IS HE SO BEAUTIFUL WHILE HE SLEEPS, WHAT THE FUCK, WHO BLESSED HIM WITH THIS ETERNAL BEAUTY, WHO'S TRYNA SMITE ME

Aardvark: me bitch, i'm trying to smite you

ambuLANCE: pidge,

Aardvark: [bats eyelashes] yes?

ambuLANCE: meet me in the fuckign pit

Aardvark: jokes on you i live in the pit

HoneyNutShirios: no you live under a bridge

Aardvark:

ambuLANCE:

KazooKid: she's a bridge troll

Aardvark: :O i appreciate this new development 

ambuLANCE: wait what about your gremlin status

Aardvark: bridge troll sounds better

KazooKid: you could say you're a

KazooKid: pidge troll

Aardvark: jesus christ

ambuLANCE: YER A BRIDGE TROLL, PIDGEY

 

 

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

[ HoneyNutShirios changed Aardvark's name to UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus]

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: yeet

 

 »●°.※✩※.°●«

 

Chapter Text

Ungrateful Ants

CoranicMechanic: Alright everyone, we will have to make a pit stop at one of the nearby space malls. We will separate into pairs, and each pair will be responsible for purchasing certain items and knicknacks that we will need for our wonderful space-faring 'road trip' to Earth!

CoranicMechanic: Here are the pairs! Hunk and Allura, Lance and Keith, Krolia and Romelle, and Shiro and I.

CoranicMechanic: I sent each pairs' list to the corresponding communicators. Good luck, everyone!! Have fun!

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: gotcha

HoneyNutShirios: understood

She'sAKillerQueen: Looking forward to it!

ambuLANCE:

KazooKid: oh boy

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: cool

ButterflyElf: More bonding time with my adopted mom! "Yeet!"

PurpleCrayon: ":)"

 

 

 

 

ambuLANCE > CoranicMechanic

ambuLANCE: i know what you're up to coran

CoranicMechanic: And what would that be, my boy?

ambuLANCE: you know what you did, you gorgeous man you

CoranicMechanic: Why yes, I am gorgeous. Thank you, son.

ambuLANCE: stop avoiding the subject, you paired me up with keith! i know you did that on purpose

CoranicMechanic: Don't forget that I was one of the first to hear of your romantic infatuation for Number 4. I have the official right to tease you as much as possible.

ambuLANCE: i guess... but it's not an infatuation!! 

CoranicMechanic: It's not?

ambuLANCE: infatuations are more short-lived, but my love for keith is more of the slow kind that i'll never be able to get over

CoranicMechanic: I see.

 

 

 

 

CoranicMechanic > UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus

CoranicMechanic: Hello Number 5!

[CoranicMechanic sent (1) screenshot]

CoranicMechanic: I strongly believe you are whipping up some kind of intelligent, devious plot, and whatever it is, I want in.

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: owo

 

 

 

 

Klance Are Idiots

[UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus sent (1) screenshot]

Mattsquito: i'm surprised that he knew this whole time

KazooKid: coran knows literally everything 

She'sAKillerQueen: Add him.

[UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus added CoranicMechanic to Klance are Idiots]

CoranicMechanic: Ah yes, finally. 

 

 

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: everyone, we're going to land the lions on the closest slow-moving asteroid, and then we'll jetpack the rest of the way to the main entrance. coran, romelle, there should be some helmets, suits, and jetpacks in each of the lions that you can use.

ButterflyElf: Okay.

 

 

 

 

 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant > HoneyNutShirios

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: SHIRO 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: SHIRO HE'S BEING CUTE WHAT DO I DO

HoneyNutShirios: how is he being cute

HoneyNutShirios: actually forget i asked

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: okay so,,

HoneyNutShirios: oh god here we go

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: >:( rude

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: so we're walking around, right? then lance saw a store that had the alien equivalent of a guitar, so he demanded that we go there. then he started playing it and he started singing???? to me???????? and i???????? may have been crying a little ndnjshcfhsnnfnfnnd

HoneyNutShirios: that's adorable uwu

HoneyNutShirios: 

HoneyNutShirios: shit no

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: screenshotted, filing that away for blackmail,,,,,

HoneyNutShirios: delete that

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: never

HoneyNutShirios: i should have left you on that street corner where you were standing

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: ,, but ya dIDN'T

HoneyNutShirios: i hate you 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: yeah yeah love you too

 

 

 

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: lance was that you

ambuLANCE: :)

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: how do you even scream that loud

HoneyNutShirios: i'm on the other side of the mall and even i heard that

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: i'm standing /right next to him/ and my eardrums have been pulverized

ambuLANCE: :)))

KazooKid: okay but why "come get y'all juice"

Mattsquito: ahh yes

Mattsquito: the meme harvests have been hard for the past few years

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: wtf

Mattsquito: most of this group chat knows memes, and here we are, stranded, in the vast expanse of space surrounded by aliens who have no fucking idea what memes are

Mattsquito: us meme-lovers need some gOOD FUCKING FOOD

Mattsquito: WE'RE DYING FROM UNDEREXPOSURE HERE

HoneyNutShirios: you can always make your own memes

Mattsquito: they're not memes if they aren't known by and approved of by the general public human society, AND I ONLY SEE 6 HUMANS OUT IN SPACE

HoneyNutShirios: ...... but you can still make your own and they can be like private jokes between the six of us 

Mattsquito: ,,,,, that's true

 

 

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

ambuLANCE: just a random thought,,

HoneyNutShirios: oh no what is it this time

ambuLANCE: if for any reason your leg had to be amputated, would you eat it out of curiosity 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: what the fuck

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: smh you're just as bad as matt 

ambuLANCE: thanks

Mattsquito: i raised him well

ambuLANCE: yes daddy 

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: GROUP CHAT CANCELLED

KazooKid: why are we friends

ambuLANCE: baby lance and baby hunk were cowards so they decided to band together against the bullies

ambuLANCE: aNYWAY AMPUTATION MEALS

HoneyNutShirios: I would have a barbecue with my leg and invite all my friends

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: what friends

HoneyNutShirios: >:O YOU GUYS

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: but you're our dad

ambuLANCE: you are our dad

KazooKid: you're our dad!

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: BOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE

ambuLANCE: that's one for amputation bbq

She'sAKillerQueen: That's cannibalism!

ambuLANCE: no it's not

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: if your leg had to be amputated for medical reasons, why not eat it while it's there?

ambuLANCE: we've got another one bois 

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: put it on a rotisserie stand, cook it for all to see

KazooKid: evil

HoneyNutShirios: me at the hospital getting my leg amputated: I'M GONNA HAVE A GREAT BARBECUE WHEN YOU'RE DONE

ambuLANCE: bring a whole case of soda into the hospital room and the doctors are like "oh what's that for?

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: hMMm

KazooKid: no! what if you gave birth and ate your placenta?!

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: hunk, it's literally only a part of a women's body while she's pregnant and until she gives birth

KazooKid: it still counts!

ambuLANCE: ok, so we've got 4 for eating your amputated limb, and 2 for not eating it

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: i like those odds

AcxauallyILikeGirls: I wouldn't eat it, because I'd be too traumatized

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: understandable

ButterflyElf: I agree with Acxa, Krolia says that she does too.

HoneyNutShirios: just asked coran, he said "why not"

ambuLANCE: :)

Mattsquito: well, i guess it depends on the reason my leg would be amputated in the first place. if there was cancer or some disease in my leg, i wouldn't eat it. but if it was just amputated cause i felt like it, then hell yeah

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: choose a side dickhead 

Mattsquito: crunchity munchity

ambuLANCE: eat that leg: 6, don't eat that leg: 5

ambuLANCE: get wrecked

KazooKid: i still can't believe you even came up with the idea

ambuLANCE: me neither 

HoneyNutShirios: at this point, it was kind of expected

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: since we're all ready to leave, let's meet up so we can make sure we have everyone and everything

ambuLANCE: how about that big fountain in the middle of the mall?

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: good idea

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: yeet

KazooKid: on our way

HoneyNutShirios: ^

ButterflyElf: Be there soon!

 

 »●°.※✩※.°●«

 

Chapter Text

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus > ambuLANCE

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: hey

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: hey

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: heyyyyyyy

ambuLANCE: what’s up pidge

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: you’re in love

ambuLANCE: yes

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: with keith

ambuLANCE: ,

ambuLANCE: yes wtf you know this already

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: y’know, i enjoy watching you suffer because of it

ambuLANCE: bold of you to assume i'm suffering

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: ',:\ mhmm

ambuLANCE: and yes, i am suffering

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: all this pining has gotten me thinking, if you two were the last people on Earth you STILL wouldn’t tell eachother

ambuLANCE: i love him, but he doesn’t love me back

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: ( ≖_≖) ok

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: anyway, sure would be a shame

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: if someone came along

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: and did something about it

ambuLANCE: nope permission refused request denied

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: too late

 

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: yo lance

ambuLANCE: bls

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: i must say, keith looks very attractive today, don’tcha think?

HoneyNutShirios: oop-

ambuLANCE: stop NO

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: lance, is it hot in here or is it just keith?

ambuLANCE: NOt IN THE MaIn CHAt

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: HAHAHAHAHAHA

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: “he’s our leader, plus he’s half galra, so i think he’s the future”

ambuLANCE: pidge i swear to god

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: gee, the sexual tension you created when you started that ‘rivalry’ has been getting prETTy strong

ambuLANCE: say 1 more thing and i’ll slaughter you

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: nah, i’ll beat you up

ambuLANCE: you’re the shortest person here

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: i’ll break your kneecaps bitch

HoneyNutShirios: please don’t do that

She'sAKillerQueen: this is… quite entertaining

HoneyNutShirios: allura don’t encourage them

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: besides, i bet you just want a certain someone to cradle you in his arms again when i knock you unconscious

ambuLANCE: that’s it

KazooKid: why did lance just bolt away from the campsite screeching and cursing in spanish?

KazooKid: wait nvm

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: OH

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: OH SHIT

KazooKid:

HoneyNutShirios:

ambuLANCE:

She'sAKillerQueen:

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: hey where the fuck did my marmora blade go

ambuLANCE: uhhh… i might have some idea

HoneyNutShirios: lance I swear to god if you used it against pidge

Mattsquito: don’t swear shiro

ambuLANCE: i didn’t kill her! i may or may not have maimed her,, slightly

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: WHAT IN TARNATION

KazooKid: ………….. cowboy keith has been spotted

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: sTOP

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: yo guys chill

KazooKid: oh thank goodness

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: im fine, just threatened a bit

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: what the hell why'd you threaten pidge

ambuLANCE: nO rEAsOn

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: you can’t hide from the Thoughts™ forever ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: ?

ambuLANCE: hoppin out now bye bitch

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: gdi

Mattsquito: HICKORY DICKORY DOCK

Mattsquito: A MOUSE RAN UP MY COCK

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: get out or i’ll get green to step on you

Mattsquito: HICKORY DICKORY DOCK

Mattsquito: THAT'S BETTER THAN BEING MOCKED

[UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus removed  Mattsquito from Ungrateful Ants ]

ambuLANCE: MATT

ambuLANCE: pidge how dare you

[ambuLANCE added Mattsquito to Ungrateful Ants]

ambuLANCE: pay the price bitch

[ambuLANCE removed UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus from Ungrateful Ants]

Mattsquito: the evil has been defeated

ambuLANCE: my crops are flourishing

Mattsquito: my skin is clear

ambuLANCE: i’m sleeping soundly at night

Mattsquito: i have 20/20 vision

ambuLANCE: my depression is cured

Mattsquito: my chicken is seasoned

[UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus has added UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus to Ungrateful Ants]

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: the plagues have been set upon the world

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: the apocalypse is nearing

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: your life spans have been shortened

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: your healths have been hacked

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: your happiness is a hoax

HoneyNutShirios: how the fuck did you get back in here

InterGAYlactic: that’s another quarter in the swear jar shiro

HoneyNutShirios: is there enough money to go to disney world yet

InterGAYlactic: no but even if there was i wouldn’t be bringing you

HoneyNutShirios: D’:

HoneyNutShirios: wHo IN sPA cE Is MoRe iM Po rTant THanN Y oUR oWN bro oThEr???

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: someone :)

ambuLANCE: :D

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: you dare oppose me mortal

HoneyNutShirios: ,,,,, no

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: that's what i thought

Mattsquito: i dare oppose 

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: so you have chosen.... death

Mattsquito: you're like, 0.5 centimeters tall

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: lOW BLOW

Mattsquito: a) the only hits you can deliver, and b) i can't use any other ones on you because i'll be swinging at open air, because you're short

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: fight me holt

Mattsquito: square up holt

ambuLANCE: man i miss my siblings

HoneyNutShirios: you'll get to see them soon

KazooKid: oh! i gotta catch veronica up on all of your space shenanigans

KazooKid: not,,,, that we gossip about you or anything,,,,,,

ambuLANCE: HUNK NO

KazooKid: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ambuLANCE: you make me sad

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: i'll save you!

ambuLANCE: my knight in shining armor!

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: [picks you up bridal style and carries you to safety]

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: stop flirting in the group chat go do it somewhere else

ambuLANCE: buHWAHGUH- WE WEREN'T FLIRTING

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: ,,,,,,, sure, whatever floats your boat

ambuLANCE: HSHDHAKJCHDHHZDNNSSNNFNJSNBDNFNSNBXDBNDEE IISKCN WHAT

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: hm?

ambuLANCE: WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: nothing, sharpshooter

ambuLANCE: i

ambuLANCE: you

ambuLANCE: wh

HoneyNutShirios: keith you broke him

ambuLANCE: what

ambuLANCE: what the fuck

ambuLANCE: are, are you flirting with me???

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: i don't know cargo pilot, am i?

ambuLANCE: hnnn i uh

ambuLANCE: gottagodosomething

ambuLANCE: BYE

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: see you on the flip side, sharpshooter

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: that's insufferable, i love it

 

 »●°.※✩※.°●«

 

Chapter Text

 

÷÷※♡※÷÷

 

It was a little breezy on Fvanog, the planet that the Paladins and others were setting up camp for the night. The air and atmosphere was warm, and the breeze felt nice whenever it hit skin. Keith, dressed in his Paladin armor (minus the chest plate and arm pieces), made his way towards the beach close by. The night before, he had been thinking about Lance more than usual, as if he hadn't already been doing it routinely anyway. Keith knew that he needed to confess before anything bad happened, because they were taking part in a dangerous war where incidents and casualties were common. He hoped it would be good to confess on Fvanog specifically, since it was a very beachy planet and the beach was one of Lance's favorite places in the universe.

 

Keith reached the beach, which was just some tiny dunes and grass with the sea not too far away. He glanced around, spotting Lance sitting on a grassy hill nearby. Taking a deep breath to psyche himself up a bit, Keith walked over and sat down beside Lance. Keith sat with his knees up and his arms looped around them, his left hand grabbing his right forearm, his right hand dangling loosely.

 

The current Red Paladin jumped a little before relaxing once he saw who the newcomer was. He then flashed Keith a bright, beautiful smile. "Oh, hey!" 

 

"Hey." He replied, trying to keep his voice level, which wasn't easy because (damn, the sunlight is hitting Lance just right that he's glowing, and oh my god his eyes are like the ocean but prettier and Keith is drowning, and his heart skips a beat because Lance is looking at him, he's looking at Keith with those beautiful blue eyes, and Keith is so far gone, he desperately wants to lace his fingers with Lance and hold him and protect him and cherish him and love him and—)

 

(Jesus, Keith, calm yourself. Now muster up what little courage you have, because once it's gone there's no way you can get it back again. Just confess and get it over with—)

 

Keith wasn't really sure of what to say next, but Lance opened his mouth and saved Keith from having to struggle. "And how is the bravest boy in the universe doing on this fine evening?" Keith could feel his eyes widen a little and heat rushed to his face, because woah, why did Lance have to be so cute and make him feel these things? Lance was trying to act confident, but Keith could see the nervousness and fear in his gaze.

 

(What the fuck, what the fuck, is he flirting with me??—)

 

(Yes, he's flirting with you, you idiot—)

 

(No! He just thinks of you as his friend, nothing more! He does this with Hunk all the time!—)

 

(No, no, Lance is nervous, and he's never nervous when he does this kind of stuff with Pidge, Hunk and sometimes Coran. Hell, he's blushing, blushing!!!—)

 

As Keith went back and forth with himself, he began to notice that the Cuban boy's expression was starting to fall. Before it got any farther, Keith smirked coyly. He was never good at flirting, and Lance was actually the first person ever that Keith took a romantic interest in. He had tried flirting with Lance many times before, but it wasn't until he got back from the Quantum Abyss that he was successful in making Lance flustered.

 

"Oh I don't know, how are you?" Keith said smoothly, even though he was flipping his shit on the inside.

 

"Buh— Wha— I was talking about you!" Lance spluttered, and Keith caught the reddish tint that was settled on those tan cheeks.

 

"Yeah, I know." Keith's smirk grew wider at the reaction.

 

"You just had to one up me, didn't you?" Lance deadpanned, a smile betraying him as it was currently sneaking its way onto his face.

 

(Yep, leave it to Lance to bring up the stupid rivalry—)

 

"If it meant catching you off guard like that, then yes." Keith closed his eyes and tilted his head as he answered. 

 

"Is that why you like to throw knives at people? So you can watch them lose their cool?" Lance teased, not unkindly.

 

Keith's tone and expression changed into something serious. "No, that's entirely different, Lance, and you know it." 

 

"Yeah..." The Cuban trailed off awkwardly. The pair fell into silence for a minute. Keith looked to his left and watch Lance as he stared longingly towards the water lapping at the sand. His smile was small and closed, until it slowly fell as his gaze turned thoughtful. Suddenly, Lance turned back to Keith, which had the latter squeaking in surprise.

 

"Sooo, what's up?" He asked, amusement glittering in his gaze at the embarrassing noise the current Black Paladin had made.

 

"Just..." An idea formed giddily in Keith's mind as he remembered a snippet of a private text conversation he had with Lance once, when he accidentally outed himself as preferring to take Lance to Disney World instead of Shiro. "Checking in on my favorite person."

 

Lance snapped his head away so that Keith couldn't see his face turning into a tomato. "Sh- shut up." He stammered, with no real bite to it.

 

Keith chuckled warmly. "Seriously though, I actually want to know how you're doing."

 

Lance turned back to him with an eyebrow raised, the red tint still dusting his cheeks. "You sure you aren't just trying to get an excuse to talk to Red?" He teased, with a lilt to his playful tone that Keith had never really noticed before.

 

Keith twisted around just enough to see Red in the distance, sitting with the other Lions in a circle. "Nah, I'm not worried about her. She's in good hands." He then looked back to the other boy. "I trust you to handle her impulsiveness and hot headed temper."

 

Lance seemed shocked for a second, but his mouth formed a small, fond smile and his eyes became half-lidded. "If I can handle you, then I think I can definitely handle Red." He joked with a soft undertone to his voice.

 

Keith gasped in mock offense. "Was that an insult?!" He cried, trying his best to amuse Lance again. He just wanted to hear that beautiful laugh again.

 

Instead, his gaze turned a little sly, but still fond. "Maybe......"

 

Keith tilted his head back and raised the back of his hand to his forehead dramatically. "Oh no, however will I go on?" He whined monotonously, desperately trying to keep a straight face as Lance snickered in the background. 

 

They fell back into a comfortable silence for another minute or so. Then, as the tension was stacking up and the air was growing heavier with it, Lance broke the quiet once again with a solemn sigh.

 

"Listen, man.... I have something that I've been holding back from you, and I need to tell you now before I lose my chance, but I really don't wanna fuck this up and-" 

 

"Lance, just say it. I'm here for you, you know that right? I won't judge you." Keith said calmly, which was surprising since his internal monologue was currently just screeching.

 

Lance look scared, shit he could tell that Lance was really, really scared. "I, okay. So... um... you know how......... Uh, so, I....... ugh! I can't speak today."

 

Keith put his hand on top of Lance's, who looked down and bit his lip. (Stopstaringstopstaringstopstaring—) "It's okay, take your time."

 

Lance took a deep breath, seeming to psych himself up, and let it out with his eyes closed. When he opened them, they were glistening with unshed tears. He raised his face towards Keith, still not looking at him. 

 

"You know," Lance began. "I'm really glad you came back."

 

Keith smiled. "Yeah, me too. But, I guess I'm also thankful I left."

 

"I get it, you were able to find your mom and adopted a cool, cosmic space wolf." Lance said softly, even though his expression was pained, turning his face to stare numbly at the sea. His tone turned bitter and solemn as he went on. "But it still kinda hurt. We were just beginning to get closer and you seemed to not actually hate me, until you just up and left." Keith opened his mouth to protest, but was stopped by Lance's hand raising up in a halting motion. "No, let me speak. I'm on a roll here. I had worried enough already before you left, as in, you know," he huffed, "Throwing yourself headfirst into battle without thinking and getting all reckless and badass. At least then I was able to watch your back, but I couldn't do that when you left. And we all know the Blades are famous for caring about their team members' safety." Lance bit out sarcastically, albeit a little darkly. 

 

"I was so scared, Keith. I, I-" He stammered, struggling to get the words out, and the Black Paladin knew that Lance was trying to fight against the lump building in his throat. "It's pretty much impossible to count the amount of times that I worry about something happening to you. I mean, I worry about that all the time in general, but I wouldn't be able to bear it if you got really hurt. I was so upset when you got back from your fight with Shiro's clone, and you were limping and you had your scar, which was pretty nasty at the time. I was scared shitless, man."

 

Lance then turned the hand under Keith's around, lacing them together with intertwining fingers before speaking again. "You have no idea how important you are to me." Lance looked into Keith's eyes, his own glistening a somber, serious storm of dark, navy blues. "I need you, Keith."

 

The paler boy was speechless. He had no idea how to answer that, and he didn't think he was physically able to. Not when Lance was staring deeply into his eyes, and Keith felt like leaping with joy at how much this sounded like a confession. But he was rooted to the spot. So he just gazed back in shock, unresponsive.

 

He was knocked back into reality when Lance frowned at the reaction and lowered his eyes. "I just need you to know that... I love you. I have for a long time, and I understand that you probably don't feel the same. It's just, with everything that's been happening between us lately, whether romantic or not, I couldn't bear going another minute without you knowing." 

 

Keith blinked, still a little dazed. 

 

(Oh my god. Oh, my god. He, he just... Holy shit, Lance loved him back? I'm dreaming, this is all a dream. I should be waking up any second now, ha ha very funny brain, thanks But, what if this is real? I can't just sit here and do nothi)

 

His internal monologue was cut off as Lance ripped his hand away from Keith and stood abruptly, his eyebrows furrowed tightly as tears streamed down his cheeks. 

 

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. I'll leave now, and we can forget this ever happened." His tone was rushed and wretched, his eyes were reddish and were plagued by dark circles, and he wore an anguished smile. "You, you can hate me as much as you want. I know that my feelings aren't mutual, and I've accepted that. I've tried to get over it but I just can't, and I don't think I ever will." Lance sniffed, dragging an arm across his face, momentarily stopping the flow of waterfall-like tears. "I'm sorry" He repeated, voice breaking off entirely. 

 

Before Lance could turn, Keith grabbed his arm to stop him. "Lance, wait!" The way that Lance looked at him then, as if bracing himself for the worst, made Keith want to punch Lance's doubts in the face. This whole moment reminded him of those romantically cliche scenes on TV where someone would be trying to leave and their romantic interest would grab their arm, the first person would turn around and some sweet words would be exchanged, and then they would hug or kiss or something. ...... Maybe this was the romantically cliche scene of Keith's life story. 

 

Yeah, there was no denying that at all.

 

Keith gazed into Lance's eyes, but the other boy was looking down fearfully. Cautiously, he stepped closer to the shaking Paladin, sliding his hand down gently to Lance's while his left hand mimicked the action and took Lance's other one. "I just want to start by saying that I'm sorry for what I said in that stupid game show." 

 

Lance flinched at first before furrowing his brows, confusion rolling off of him in waves. "Keith, you don't"

 

"No, let me speak. I'm on a roll here." The latter interrupted, and the Red Paladin smiled a little shakily when Keith repeated Lance's earlier statement. "I know you probably took it the wrong way. I accidentally overheard Pidge talking to Allura about how you thought I blatantly meant I didn't want to spend eternity with you, and that it bothered you. I don't regret what I said or why I said it, but I do regret how I worded it."

 

Keith continued, pushing on with a lighter energy as he saw that tiny sliver of hope beginning to appear in Lance's eyes. "I really meant that I didn't want you to be stuck there forever. I want you to see Earth again and be reunited with your family. Out of all of us, I know that you'd be the one with the ability to convince people to join the Coalition, because you can be really persuasive. You're our cool ninja sharpshooter and our goofball. You're good at being strategic without having to think about it before, and you always end up being right about situations because you went with your gut feelings. You're the one who can take our minds off of things for a while, and you relieve the tension and make us laugh. You are the glue that holds this team together, and without you we'd all be off doing our own things and drowning in stress and we'd go crazy, and I'd have probably been dead by the second week. You are so selfless, admirable, loving, and the most amazing person I know."

 

"I chose you to leave because I didn't want you to be trapped inside such a nightmare-inducing place, you deserve to be out there saving worlds and leading the Coalition in the war. Besides, that Bob guy was an utter jerk, and you are not dumb, you hear me?" Lance nodded, smiling gratefully and a little more relaxed. There was still that fear he was holding though, and he was still bracing himself for possible heartbreak. Keith wouldn't allow any of that.

 

"Lance, I chose you to leave over everyone else. If I really didn't want to be there with you I would have just picked myself to leave. You're my first choice, you always were." Keith huffed a quiet laugh, still barely able to believe that this was real, and that his romantic feelings were returned. He smiled fondly and Lance did the same, despite it being slightly shaky as the tear tracks dried on his cheeks.

 

Keith leaned in a little closer and gazed a little more intensely into Lance's eyes, conveying his emotions to him. Then his gaze softened as well as his tone of voice when he spoke again. "I chose you because I love you, Lance. I love you so, so much." And that was when Keith's own tears broke free. "And even though it sounds cheesy, you complete me. You brighten my whole world and fill in the gaps of my soul. I need you as much as you need me."

 

Letting go of Lance's hand, Keith brought his right one up to the Cuban's face, who was watching him carefully in a trance-like state. His hand found Lance's cheek, which was shiny with the ghost of a drying stream, and wiped away a stray tear he found there with his thumb. Lance dropped Keith's other hand and brought his own up to Keith's face, settling it on the cheek opposite of the one adorned by the long scar that began from his chin and stopped below his eye, the scar that he had gotten fighting Shiro's clone. 

 

It was when Lance's breath caressed his cheeks that Keith registered how close their faces were. He always knew that those eyes gazing into his own were oceans of blue, but now he could pick out all the little details. They were mainly navy blue with hues of a color that reminded Keith of the blue spruce trees that he had seen on a nature documentary with his father long ago. He always thought that Lance looked like summer. He couldn't describe how or why, but he always thought summer. Now, however, with the soft sunlight illuminating him, all Keith could see was (autumn, autumn, autumn)

 

And he fell in love all over again.

 

Lance began leaning in too, eyes fluttering closed. Keith shut his as well and didn't hesitate to close the distance between them. There were no fireworks, and it wasn't as exciting as people made it out to be, but this was Lance. It was just him and Keith, and that was enough. More than that, it felt right, like he had finally found his eternal soulmate. Lance felt like home.

 

Lance's hands traveled down to Keith's waist and settled there, and Keith tangled his fingers into the soft, brown hair on the back of Lance's head. The latter hummed contently, and Keith's heart fluttered. He tried to fight back the smile that dared to take over. Eventually he gave in, and Lance began to smile too. They separated but didn't pull back very far, and the Red Paladin moved to place short kisses on Keith's cheek, trailing up the scar. 

 

"Lance, that tickles!" Keith whined giddily. The Cuban boy lifted his head and stared lovingly into the half-Galra's indigo eyes. 

 

"Keith," Lance started, his voice filled with emotion and expression turning hopeful. "Do you want to be my boyfriend?"

 

Keith smiled wide. "Of course!" He exclaimed affectionately and tackled Lance with a hug, sending them sprawling onto the sand. They rolled together a few feet and came to a stop. Keith was trapped under his boyfriend, who pushed himself up to his hands and knees and glanced down. He studied him for a bit, before the tan boy's face scrunched up and then he was chuckling softly.

 

"What? What's so funny?"

 

"You've got sand in your hair." Lance ruffled the mop of silky black on Keith's head for emphasis.

 

"Yeah well, you do too." Keith reached a hand up and ruffled Lance's hair as well, resulting in grains of sand to come flying down. He flinched and screwed his eyes shut, letting out a raucous splutter as he reached up to remove the sand. Lance laughed even harder. Keith scowled, pouting up at Lance. But even he couldn't keep a stoic face for long, as he gave in a few seconds later and dissolved into a fit of giggles.

 

Once they had calmed down enough, they found themselves gazing into each other's eyes. And in one swift motion, Lance lowered his head down and placed his lips on Keith's. Now this, this was what Keith had craved for for so long, and he took joy in knowing that Lance wanted it too. Keith wound his arms around Lance, carefully avoiding his hair so that he wouldn't be showered with sand again. He relished the feeling of Lance moving his mouth against his, both of them breathing through their noses with heavy puffs of air. 

 

"I love you," Lance mumbled breathlessly in between kisses. "I love you so goddamn much, Keith."

 

Keith felt lightheaded and dizzy. "I lo—"

 

He was cut off by the sound of sudden whoops and hollers. Neither wanted to stop, but both boys separated their faces enough to look over at the commotion. Hunk, Pidge, Shiro, and Coran were standing together screaming at the top of their lungs, hugging each other (maybe also crying a little), while Krolia, Allura and Romelle were approaching the group to investigate.

 

"Oh shit," Lance blurted from somewhere close above, breath softly hitting Keith's nose.

 

Lance's face was the same color as a Flamin' Hot Cheeto, and Keith was certain his wasn't too far off, based on the amount of heat that resided there currently. Keith didn't really care though, he was too wrapped up in Lance (mentally and literally) to process anything else. He knew Lance looked good in red, but with that furious blush dancing across his face.... Keith really couldn't stop the words from tumbling out.

 

"You're cute." 

 

Lance looked down with an almost comical expression, eyebrows furrowed and mouth upturned.

 

"What?"

 

"I said you're cute." Keith repeated, a little shyer this time. As if he couldn't get any redder, Lance's blush deepened even more. He dropped his head down onto Keith's shoulder, muffling his response a little.

 

"Keeeeeeiiithhh! You're gonna kill meeee." He whined.

 

"Hey losers!" Pidge hollered from afar, "Get your asses over here! We're about to eat dinner and if you can't beat us to camp or at least get there in time, then you're gonna miss out on Hunk's newest recipe!!"

 

Lance lifted his head and stared at Keith. Then, he stood up carefully and Keith pushed himself up into a sitting position. Lance extended a hand out to Keith.

 

"Shall we?" He asked with a flirtatious smirk, yet he was gazing at the Black Paladin with love in his eyes. Keith took his hand and was hauled up.

 

And together, hand in hand, they bolted after the others, laughing and squeezing their palms together.

 

÷÷※♡※÷÷

 

Chapter Text

KazooKid > ambuLANCE

KazooKid: hey are you ok?

KazooKid: i'm pretty sure everyone else is asleep right now, and i can hear sobbing coming from your comm

ambuLANCE: ffu ck 

ambuLANCE: i tought i turne dt hem all off, i msut hav fogoten abot yours

KazooKid: what's wrong lance? you can always talk to me

ambuLANCE: i nkow, i was j ust thinkin bout stfuf

KazooKid: are you having a panic attack?

ambuLANCE: nno my scren is a lil blothcy, and ther e is salt comign out if my seieng holes

KazooKid: ok, as far as i can tell you are good enough to still make jokes

KazooKid: unless you're trying to cover up

ambuLANCE: nno i m jus fine

KazooKid: yeah i don't think so

ambuLANCE: hukn i proms ie

ambuLANCE: im koay 

KazooKid: mmmmmmmm

ambuLANCE: hunk 

KazooKid: if you're sure......

KazooKid: but you better text me if it gets worse

ambuLANCE: yes mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

ambuLANCE: i swear to god, if i cry over something stupid one more time, i'm going to e a t  m y  h a n d

HoneyNutShirios: please no don't bring that conversation up again

KazooKid: don't you mean your foot 

ambuLANCE: i don't wanna eat my foot!

ambuLANCE: hands probably taste way better than feet

KazooKid: ... understandable

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: but won't that put you at a disadvantage in a fight if you can't use your hand to shoot properly

ambuLANCE: i'll do a shiro!

HoneyNutShirios: what

ambuLANCE: prosthetic hand 

HoneyNutShirios: :\

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: it would definitely be easier to program a foot rather than a hand, based on the comparison of complex functions in the hand vs the not-so-complex functions in the foot, and you know how i feel about hard work,,,

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: 

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: eat your hand

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: pidgE NO

ambuLANCE: I'M GONNA DO IT

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: DON'T 

ambuLANCE: I WILL CHOMP

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: DO NOT CHOMP

ambuLANCE: C H O M P

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: N O  C H O M P

ambuLANCE: CHOMP CHOMP MOTHERFUCKERS

KazooKid: oh boy

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: but,, i love your hands 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: and i love when you hold me with those soft warm hands

ambuLANCE: akskndbfndbs shit u rite <3

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: :) <3

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: ok i'm happy for you two and all but this is definitely worse than when you were both helpless pining idiots

ambuLANCE: i'm still helplessly pining for keith 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: wtf i'm still pining for you too :D

KazooKid: [headdesk]

HoneyNutShirios: wait, you said you were crying, why?

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: what

ambuLANCE: oh it was just something stupid

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: spill it, bone stilts mcclain

KazooKid: "bone stilts mcclain"?

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: in buzzfeed unsolved, ryan and shane make fun of each other's heights, and one of shane's nicknames is 'shane bone stilts madej' because he's so fucking tall and ryan is kinda short

ambuLANCE: makes sense 

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: you're still not off the hook, bigfoot

ambuLANCE: that's kinda kinky, ngl 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: yeah, do you know how many cryptid forums there are that are just full of cryptid porn 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: too many

ambuLANCE: anyway, i was crying for no valid reason

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: just fucking say it

ambuLANCE: ... fine

ambuLANCE: i was crying over the sims 

KazooKid:

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus:

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant:

HoneyNutShirios:

Mattsquito:

HoneyNutShirios: that's valid

Mattsquito: aw man the sims was great 

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: the sims was god

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: well technically, when you play, you /are/ their god, since you can control them

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: shit you're right

Mattsquito: i used to be so good at the sims 

HoneyNutShirios: literally all of your sims have died within a week of existing

Mattsquito: shsshhshshshshhhhhsh that's a minor detail

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: all i did on the sims was find as many ways to kill people as possible, so i'm proud of you matt

Mattsquito: (ू•ᴗ•ू❁)

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: nevermind i take it back

Mattsquito: ( ✿˃̣̣̥᷄^˂̣̣̥᷅ )

ambuLANCE: don't slander the man

HoneyNutShirios: matt's a toddler wdym 

ambuLANCE: whoops sorry 

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: wai- GUYS LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOWS

KazooKid: IS THAT

ambuLANCE: OH SHIT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ambuLANCE: ugh sendak

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: yeah he's an asshole

KazooKid: i'm just glad that iverson's changed his attitude 

HoneyNutShirios: yeah same

Mattsquito: YOU GUYS ARE BACK HOME ALREADY

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: suck it matt 

Mattsquito: maybe i will

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: ew, i thought you had an ai girlfriend

Mattsquito: ...... that's what they want you to think

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: EW EW EW

KazooKid: yeah we're back on earth now, we just finished debriefing the whole situation with the garrison 

Mattsquito: oh cool, the rebels and i are actually on our way there and we should be there in about a week or two

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: oh no

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: oh no

ambuLANCE: [crashes through the wall] OH YEAH

HoneyNutShirios: NIGHTMARE FUEL

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: ,,,, you mean ptsd fuel

HoneyNutShirios: I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU WEREN'T TERRIFIED

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: oh i was, it just doesn't haunt me anymore

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: i was more amused by your reaction

HoneyNutShirios: you little shit

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: you know it

KazooKid: wait what happened

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: once shiro insisted that we go trick-or-treating for halloween and wear costumes, and as we were walking down this one street, some guy dressed as the kool-aid man dropped out of a tree about couple yards away, screamed "oh yeah" at the top of his lungs, smashed a beer bottle on the ground and sprinted after us

HoneyNutShirios: don't forget about that other kid in the tree with a camera

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: right, they were recording the whole thing

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: ......

Mattsquito: uhh.....

HoneyNutShirios:

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant:

HoneyNutShirios: matt........

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: it may or may not have been matt in the kool-aid costume and me in the tree

Mattsquito: piDGe

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: watch out shiro's fuming

Mattsquito: i mean, at least i'm nowhere near you guys

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: but I AM

HoneyNutShirios: :)

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: shiro 

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: blease 

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: spare me

HoneyNutShirios: hmm

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: i am but a tiny squirrel, blease don't deck me

HoneyNutShirios: hmm

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: ok seriously come at me and i'll fuck you up

HoneyNutShirios: fine

CoranicMechanic: .... Would now be a good time to say that Lance is the one responsible for putting stickers all over the Black Lion's windshield before Shiro disappeared?

KazooKid: lmao 

ambuLANCE: susncjbfbsjsjccxjjdCORAN

HoneyNutShirios: he what

CoranicMechanic: No? Oh, well then, my bad.

HoneyNutShirios: he wHAT

HoneyNutShirios: THAT TOOK ME 3 WHOLE MONTHS TO GET IT ALL OFF

ButterflyElf: Run.

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: alckhfbcbdf

ambuLANCE: aNnnzJDJCSJn SHIRO NO

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: LANCE

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: I'LL PROTECT YOU

ambuLANCE: THANKS BABE

 

 

 

 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant > ambuLANCE

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: and by i'll protect you, i mean do you wanna sit on top of black with me and watch the sunset?

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: we can cuddle

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: andmaybekissalittle......

ambuLANCE: !!!!!!!!!!!!!

ambuLANCE: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

ambuLANCE: BE THERE IN 10 <3

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: love you too <3

 

 

 

 

Ungrateful Ants

Mattsquito: wait what 

KazooKid: hey at least it's better than all the arguing and sexual tension 

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: i still wanna slaughter em tho 

KazooKid: you do you

[Mattsquito changed Ungrateful Ants to Klance Are Dating Now?!?!?]

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: klance?

She'sAKillerQueen: It's short for "Keith and Lance", in other words, your ship name

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: oh

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant:

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: wait why was that written so casually

HoneyNutShirios: :)

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: :)

She'sAKillerQueen: :)

KazooKid: :)

CoranicMechanic: :)

AcxauallyILikeGirls: :)

PurpleCrayon: :)

ButterflyElf: :)

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: why am i not surprised

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: cause it's us

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: these kinds of things are to be expected 

HoneyNutShirios: expect the unexpected

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: ok well i'm gonna go spend some quality time with my boy, so bye

HoneyNutShirios: use protection xoxoxo 

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: SJDBBSNANS SHIRO NO IT'S NOT LIKE THAT

HoneyNutShirios: i know, i'm just trying not to tear up in front of iverson

HoneyNutShirios: i'm just so glad that you've found someone and that you're happy

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: SKCBNSKSHCHDJSHDD I'M GONNA CRY STOP THAT

HoneyNutShirios: alright alright i'll stop, as long as i get a big brother hug later

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: DEAL

HoneyNutShirios: now get your ass outta here and find your boyfriend

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: will do

 

÷÷※♡※÷÷

 

Chapter Text

 

÷÷※♡※÷÷

 

Lance skidded to a halt in front of one of the Garrison exits and yanked the door open. Several hundred feet away sat the Black Lion, and in the dying daylight Lance could just barely make out the silhouetted shape of someone on the Lion's head. Lance smiled to himself, unable to contain the warm bubbles of happiness and excitement that lifted in his chest. Lance was almost 95% sure that sooner or later he'd float away as if he was the house from Disney's Up. It was just the little things about his boyfriend that did beautiful things to Lance's heart.

 

Lance struggled for a bit as he tried to scale the giant mechanical beast, until he saw the silhouette of the person up top stand up and come into view. Lance was then blessed with Keith reaching down and smiling as he held out his hand to save him from his struggle. 

 

(Fuck—) 

 

That alone almost made Lance stumble and lose his footing. The sight of Keith made Lance weak at the knees, and even more so now that he knew Keith loved him back. Regaining his balance, Lance smiled back even wider and clasped Keith's hand. The Black Paladin hauled him up the rest of the way until they stood together on Black's head.

 

"Heh," Lance huffed softly. "I heard something about cuddling and looking at the sunset?"

 

"Yeah," Keith turned around to crouch down and grab something by the Black Lion's ear. "I brought a blanket too, you know, for if Black's head is a little uncomfortable to sit on. Or if you wanna have it wrapped around us, because even though we're in the middle of the desert, nights out here can get pretty cold." 

 

Lance put a finger on his chin as if to think. "Hm. I think, if we want to achieve optimal cuddling, we'll need to have the blanket around us." Standing with his arms stretched out behind him, holding the blanket as if they were wings, Keith smirked conspiratorially like he was plotting something. "Wait, Keith what are y-"

 

Keith lunged at him with a playful yell, and Lance definitely did not scream like a girl. It was manly, and definitely not something he would be embarrassed about. Lance was pushed onto his knees as a laughing Keith grabbed him, effectively wrapping the blanket around the both of them once it settled on Lance's left shoulder. 

 

"How, dare you." Lance laughed.

 

"Sorry." Keith said, but he was extremely not sorry, and it showed with the smile that stretched across his face.

 

"It's fine," Lance scooted closer to his boyfriend. "It was super adorable."

 

"I'm not adorable." Keith protested, leaning his head on the Cuban's shoulder, who wrapped an arm around the small of Keith's back and pulled him closer.

 

Scoffing, Lance pressed a kiss into Keith's hair. "That's where you're wrong, Samurai."

 

"What if I told you that you are adorable?" Keith said slyly.

 

The Red Paladin's face flushed a deep pink. "I'd probably combust."

 

Keith lifted his head to observe him, and his gaze settled on Lance's cheeks. "Hmm, interesting." Lance's blush deepened even more.

 

"You motherfucker." Lance said lowly, yet it was playful and not serious. Keith snickered and laid his head back onto his boyfriend's shoulder.

 

They sat in silence with their faces towards the setting sun. The hues of yellow deepened into oranges and pinks as the sky became darker behind the two boys. Before the sun set fully, Lance used his free hand to intertwine with Keith's, and set their clasped hands on his lap. Keith lifted his face to gaze at Lance again, and with lidded eyes, they moved together.

 

Their mouths met as the first star of the night appeared in the sky, twinkling faintly. It wasn't their first kiss, not even their tenth, but the two Paladins could strongly agree that they were all equally magical, and they knew it was impossible to get tired of that feeling. They pulled apart as another star came into view, and they both looked up in sync. 

 

The stars looked pretty much adjacent to each other, even though in reality they were billions of lightyears apart. One star was a bright, oceanic blue, and the other was a deep, fiery red. The small patch of sky between them was a very faint purple nebula, as if it was the result of the red and blue stars being so close together. Lance smiled softly.

 

"Hey, look." Lance nudged Keith gently and pointed at the stars with his eyes.

 

Keith gazed at the night sky in awe. "They're just like us." Lance looked at him, a little confused, but he suspected that he could kind of get what Keith was saying.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"One is red, and one is blue. They came together in love, and their relationship was purple. Just like us."

 

"But, I fly the Red Lion and you fly the Black Lion. I'm not blue anymore, Keith, and you're not red."

 

"I'm not talking about that, silly." Keith looked back at him. "You fly the Red Lion now, but that doesn't mean you're red. You were always blue, and I was always red. Who you are doesn't change, Lance. No matter what Lion you fly."

 

Keith's gaze was so filled with love, and Lance could feel himself melting when his boyfriend squeezed his hand reassuringly. Lance smiled a small, soft smile, gazing back with just as much affection.

 

"I love you, Keith." He breathed. Keith nuzzled closer into Lance's side. 

 

"I love you, too, Lance."

 

÷÷※♡※÷÷

 

Chapter Text

Klance Are Dating?!?!

[HoneyNutShirios changed Klance Are Dating?!?! to this is so sad atlas play despacito]

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: jesus christ

KazooKid: [appears from thin air and lands like that iconic guy from the "i'm gay" vine] WHO SUMMONED ME

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: O-O

ambuLANCE: i'm just gonna say this here and now,

ambuLANCE: i love keith kogane

HoneyNutShirios: soft

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: jnjkhskgbezsgebwa lance

ambuLANCE: love you bb <3

InterGAYlactoseIntolerant: <3

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: oo i just remembered something

 

 

 

 

[Katie Holt created Unnamed Chat]

[Katie Holt added Takashi ShiroganeKeith KoganeLance McClainHunk GarrettAlluraRomelleCoranKroliaAcxa, Veronica McClainRyan KinkadeJames GriffinNadia Rizavi, Ina Leifsdottir and Shay to Unnamed Chat]

[Katie Holt renamed Unnamed Chat to It's Earth Bitches]

Lance McClain: gasp

Veronica McClain: :O  l a n c e!!!

Lance McClain: r o n n i e!!!!

Keith Kogane: oh no, now there's two of them

Lance McClain: :( but babe 

Keith Kogane: you know i'm kidding <3

Lance McClain: :) <3

Veronica McClain: owo what's this??

Lance McClain: ronnie-

Veronica McClain: isn't this the same keith you've been crushing on since the garrison?

Lance McClain: r o n n i e

Keith Kogane: oh?

Lance McClain: hhhnn

Keith Kogane: lance, you'll have to tell me more later~

Takashi Shirogane: aHEM

[Nadia Rizavi changed their name to RitzCrackers]

[Hunk Garrett changed their name to Hunk-a-roniAndCheese]

[Ryan Kinkade changed their name to Kinky ;)]

[Takashi Shirogane changed their name to KashiGoLean]

[Katie Holt changed their name to ZoomPigeon]

[Lance McClain changed their name to ThisMailboxIsMine]

[Keith Kogane changed their name to TinFoilHat]

ThisMailboxIsMine: keith what the fuck

TinFoilHat: *shrug emoji* i could ask you the same thing

ZoomPigeon: random and conspiratory... i like it

[James Griffin changed their name to Griffindor]

[Veronica McClain changed their name to AndThisTriagonalSign]

[Ina Leifsdottir changed their name to WorldWarIIna]

[Allura changed their name to Princess]

[Coran changed their name to GorgeousMan]

[Romelle changed their name to Rhombus]

[Acxa changed their name to I'dLikeAGirlfriend]

[Shay changed their name to Shazam!]

ZoomPigeon: welcome welcome 

Hunk-a-roniAndCheese: just letting you guys know, i'm sorry in advance

Griffindor: why

Princess: the team can be quite... chaotic

ThisMailboxIsMine: [endless muffled screams]

Rhombus: :)

ZoomPigeon: allura!! you dropped your formal punctuation!!

Princess: yes, it can be a hassle sometimes

Princess: i honestly feel more comfortable typing the way you all do 

AndThisTriagonalSign: lance charles mcclain, i'm telling mom

ThisMailboxIsMine: veronica no

AndThisTriagonalSign: i will 

ThisMailboxIsMine: pwease...

ThisMailboxIsMine: mistew obama....

ThisMailboxIsMine: i'll do anything...

AndThisTriagonalSign: .... anything?

ThisMailboxIsMine: anything

AndThisTriagonalSign:

AndThisTriagonalSign: then perish

TinFoilHat: aksjsnsndakaksjxhs

Shazam!: oh my

ThisMailboxIsMine: .... i can help you get a girlfriend

AndThisTriagonalSign: .....

AndThisTriagonalSign: ....... mom........ girlfriend........ mom......

AndThisTriagonalSign: fuck it

AndThisTriagonalSign: fine 

ThisMailboxIsMine: :)

 

 

 

 

ThisMailboxIsMine > AndThisTriagonalSign

ThisMailboxIsMine: i can see right through you y'know 

AndThisTriagonalSign: oh yeah?

ThisMailboxIsMine: yeah

AndThisTriagonalSign: prove it

[ThisMailboxIsMine  sent (1) image]

AndThisTriagonalSign:

AndThisTriagonalSign: how did you manage to get that

ThisMailboxIsMine: it wasn't that hard

AndThisTriagonalSign: ugh you're the worst 

ThisMailboxIsMine: aww c'mon ronnie, you really don't think that

AndThisTriagonalSign: fuck you 

AndThisTriagonalSign: just please don't tell the others,,,

ThisMailboxIsMine: no promises ;)

AndThisTriagonalSign: shit

 

 

 

 

[ThisMailboxIsMine created Unnamed Chat]

[ThisMailboxIsMine added TinFoilHatGriffindorRitzCrackersKinky ;), and WorldWarIIna to Unnamed Chat]

[ThisMailboxIsMine renamed Unnamed Chat to veronica has a crush on acxa and she needs help]

Griffindor: thank god i'm not the only one whose noticed

Kinky ;): james,,,,, we all noticed

RitzCrackers: oof

TinFoilHat: oh my god

ThisMailboxIsMine: what 

TinFoilHat: so you know how acxa is like my half sister?

TinFoilHat: we talk about stuff that siblings would probably talk about, and the first she did when she got here was comment on how pretty veronica was 

TinFoilHat: and when they got to know each other, acxa would tell me about how much she liked veronica

TinFoilHat: so yeah the feelings are mutual

WorldWarIIna: hmm, interesting...

Griffindor: the tension is gonna kill us

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

this is so sad atlas play despacito

Mattsquito: shiro

Mattsquito: you did it wrong

HoneyNutShirios: did what wrong

Mattsquito: the chat name

HoneyNutShirios: actually, i didn't 

HoneyNutShirios: the garrison made a giant battleship about the size of the castle of lions (or maybe slightly larger?)

HoneyNutShirios: it's called the atlas

Mattsquito:

Mattsquito: OOHHHH

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: you do realize it's like 3 am here

KazooKid: since when did that bother you 

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: since now

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: that battle with sendak was rough

KazooKid: wait shiro why are you up

HoneyNutShirios: why are /you/ up

KazooKid: ... fair, i was doing some baking at around 7 and may have gotten a little too into it

KazooKid: but i jus got ito my ro

HoneyNutShirios: uh hunk

UpgradedToBridgeTrollStatus: prolly crashed, which is what imma boutta do too

HoneyNutShirios: sounds like a good idea

Mattsquito: wow where i am it's around the middle of the day

Mattsquito:

Mattsquito:

Mattsquito: guys

Mattsquito:

Mattsquito: oh right you're asleep now

Mattsquito: aight bye

 

÷÷※♡※÷÷