If you ask me around
And I should decline
Don’t take it to heart, your company’s fine
But I get on better with mine
On my Own – Niall Horan
The music from Elphaba’s worn down speakers filled her room as she drummed her fingers against her desk, reading through an old, dusty biology textbook.
School officially started tomorrow which meant she would finally be in her senior year, and off to college to study life sciences at a university she would decide later. All she knew was she wanted to be free from her father’s constant bitterness, so a school farther away would be ideal.
She propped her book down as a softer song began playing and reached over for her phone to change it. But she halted when a knock was heard on her door.
“Yeah?” She called.
The door creaked open and a smaller boy peeked his head into her room.
“Dinners ready,” Shell said calmly. Elphaba simply nodded and reached for her phone again.
“Listening to that for anyone in particular?”
Elphaba rolled her eyes and picked up the nearest pencil to throw at him. He laughed and ducked away, backing into the hallway out of sight.
She huffed and glanced at a small box sitting on the corner of her table.
“For anyone in particular,” she mumbled as she reached for it. She propped the top of the box open and glanced at three intricate envelopes with names and addresses written accordingly.
It was stupid, really. She’s always preferred her own company, she never was fond of the idea of love. Or perhaps it was just the idea people constructed it to be. Each envelope contained letters addressed to people who would never receive them. Her feelings were always a complicated mess and she often found herself pushing the idea of romantic notions aside.
But within this box contained everything she could never say. It was everything she tried to throw away, to ignore. The letters each represented a crush, ones she couldn’t hold in. She had to let her feelings out somehow and decided the best way was to write it out because that’s something she was good at.
She picked up the first one and examined the front of it, a small blue envelope.
Otherwise known as the girl who made Elphaba realize she was gay. This was a middle school crush, that Elphaba thinks shouldn’t even count, but she had written about it anyways.
The two became friends and would often go over to each other’s houses to do group projects or play games. But the visits soon turned into hand holding and cuddling on couches. Elphaba could still feel the safeness of it all, the way Milla never judged her and the lightness of their interactions.
But like anything, it was not to last. For about a month Elphaba combed through her emotions for Milla, and it wasn’t until a few weeks in that she realized it wasn’t just platonic.
She found it hard to distinguish romantic attraction from platonic endeavors, but she soon became hyperaware of the flip in her stomach, the beat in her heart, and the way her fingers would tingle every time they held hands.
But the feeling only lasted for a month, because soon Milla had discovered a new group of friends and slowly left Elphaba behind. It hurt, but it taught Elphaba that perhaps she wasn’t as hopeless as she thought she was.
Besides, she didn’t even know if Milla was gay, and she still doesn’t. It’s a mystery to her. But it’s in the past and that’s where she intends to keep it.
She placed the letter back down and picked up the one directly underneath it. This one was red, with gold handwriting.
The first crush Elphaba had in high school. It was her freshman year and the two had been in the same gym class.
The only problem was Sarima was heartbreakingly straight. But just as most straight girls seem to do, she would flirt with Elphaba constantly. Elphaba had thought she had a chance for a moment, her heart soaring with the idea.
But again, it was not to last. Elphaba was dragged to her first real house party late in September, and when she went to find the bathroom, she saw Sarima making out with some athletic boy from school.
It wasn’t as if Elphaba expected much, but to have someone string you along without even realizing it, was heartbreaking on its own.
There wasn’t much else to the story. It was a simple crush that Elphaba wished she could erase, but the past is in the past.
She placed the letter down gently, and after a moment of hesitation, she blew out a small puff of air and picked up the last envelope. It was pink with the name and address written in silver handwriting.
Now this one was the most surprising one of all. It was one absolutely no one knew about. Given the fact that Crope and Tibbett figured out about Sarima, she was careful to show no signs about this bubbly blonde.
Glinda Upland, otherwise known as one of the most popular girls in school. She was also known to be one of the best tennis players in Shiz.
But its important to note, this crush was long gone. It was a little over a year ago when Boq had dragged her with him to one of his friends parties from the robotics club he was in. She reluctantly agreed, and it wasn’t long before she was being attacked by Pfannee and her group of small-minded oafs.
After Boq had left to go talk to one of his friends, Elphaba was left alone and that’s when the comments started rolling in. It wasn’t anything she hadn’t heard before, so she did her best to ignore it. She replied by rolling her eyes or simply telling them to fuck off.
But fortunately, the girls were only able to get a few jabs in before Glinda chimed in and told them to stop. Elphaba could still feel the shock of being defended by someone who must have hated her just as much as the other girls did.
She never talked to Glinda much, and despite having a few classes together, they never paid much attention to the other. But this night was when Elphaba realized that there was something more to Glinda, something that was hidden away. It was incredibly stupid to ever have a crush develop towards someone she had absolutely zero chance with, but there she was, her heart beating stupidly fast, her mind whirling with questions.
But the real reason Elphaba noticed her more was because during that same night, she had wandered outside and was greeted by the small blonde leaning on the railing of the porch. Elphaba could feel the chill of the air blowing through her hair and noticed the out of focus look in Glinda’s eyes.
Elphaba knew Glinda was drunk, she knew that she shouldn’t have taken her words to heart. But when Glinda turned around with a sad smile and her voice soft, she knew she was a goner.
“You’re beautiful, you know. Don’t let them make you believe otherwise.”
One line was all it took for Elphaba to stumble over herself. She shook her head at the memory, recalling how she had no idea what to say. She awkwardly said she had to go and began walking home.
In one smooth motion, she closed the box and placed it back on her desk and rubbed gently at her eyes. But the sound of creaking steps stopped her, and her eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. She looked at her half-opened door and walked towards it but was surprised to find nothing or no one in sight.
So, she shrugged and headed out the door anyways to go down for dinner, hoping no one would ever discover the emotions that sat within sealed envelopes, especially not the ones they’re addressed to.