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There’s A Crackhead Among Us

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The tension was so visible in the air it was almost difficult to break, and the suspense between each and every player grew every passing minute.

“So…” Kane began, the men were arranged in an awkward circle, giving each other the odd glare, suspiciously making sure they weren’t it contact.

Nobody wanted to mention it. Nobody ever wanted to even think about it. But eventually the topic had to come up.

“Look, I know it’s pretty awkward right now, but if we could jus-“ Kane attempted to clear the mist but he was interrupted by a call from his left.

“Kyle’s the crackhead,” Jordan called, “I know it, I can feel it,”

And before anyone could stop them, the room burst into a fit of accusations.

“JOHN LOOKS LIKE HE’S SNORTED CRACK EVERY NIGHT SINCE HE WAS FOUR,” Someone joined in from the rowdy group.

“HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN JESSE? I’D BE DARNED IF HE WASNT ON CRACK,” Someone else yelled.

“MR DELE, YOU CAN’T HIDE FOR TOO LONG, NOBODY CAN HAVE A GRIN THAT DEMONIC AND NOT BE ON SOMETHING,” Another person accused.

A fit of anger broke loose, everyone blaming everyone else with a sentence being yelled out every so often.

“IT HAS TO BE PHIL, YOU CAN’T BE THAT TERRIBLE AT FOOTBALL NATURALLY, YOU HAVE TO BE ON SOME SHIT TO MAKE YOU THAT BAD,”

“HAVE ANY OF YOU ACTUALLY SEEN ERIC PAST 7PM? DIDN’T THINK FUCKING SO?”

“ARE WE FORGETTING WE HAVE A LITERAL RAVE-FAN IN THE ROOM???? JORDAN PICKFORD FUCKING SHOW YOURSELF,”

“TRIPPS ON CRACK IS MORE LIKELY THAN YOU THINK. NO WONDER HE’S NETTING IN ALL THOSE OWN GOALS, PROBABLY HAS N IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON,”

“TRENT PLAYS FOR LIVERPOOL. THAT’S ENOUGH TO CONFIRM HE’S ON CRACK,”

“YOU GUYS EVER REALISE THAT ADAM LALLANA IS ALWAYS ‘INJURED’? HOW THE FUCK HE GETTING INJURED WHEN HE DOESN'T EVEN PLAY GAMES? HE’S PROBABLY FAILING HIS DRUG TESTS AND THEY DON’T WANNA MENTION IT,”

“JAMIE VARDY LOOKS LIKE HE’D SUCK MY DICK FOR A GRAM TELL ME IT ISN’T HIM”

“BARKLEY’S SKIN SO FUCKIN PALE WE WOULDN’T EVEN NOTICE IF HIS FACE WAS COVERED IN COKE THIS SECOND,”

Harry Kane sighed. He knew it was coming. He knew it the moment he stepped into the room. It was something that troubled them anyway, the fact that there was a crackhead among them and yet they didn’t know who. It could be any single one of them. Well, the ones that played in the premier league anyway.

“You have any idea what’s going on?” Jadon asked, innocently moving away to join Harry on the other side of the room.

“Let’s just let them yell for a bit, they’ll get tired eventually, they always do,”

“This crackhead problem happen often, then?”

Harry let out a single chuckle. He was about to answer when he notices a piece of paper on the floor. Someone had put it there on purpose. On the top it read, ‘Whoever finds this: open me’. Harry looked over at Jadon who shrugged and then reached down to open up the note.

 

 

‘Yes, there is an addict among you,
He’s handsome, looks young for his age
He’s got brown hair, very white teeth,
He’s got lovely small brown eyes and
He’s writing this very message,’

 

 

“BOYS! Come and look at this!” Jadon and Harry yelled frantically, forcing the men to crowd around the tiny note.

They glared down at it, and it was already clear that they were going to start screaming again. Before they could start, Kane abruptly hushed them.

“DON’T start fighting again. We won’t get anywhere. Look we’ll just narrow it down a bit, but we don’t need to start targeting random people. It could be any of us who fit into this description,”

He instructed the squad to get into a line, before deciding how he was going to do this, Jadon by his side to confirm his decisions.

“Well it says they’re handsome, so most of you are already not suspects anymore,” Jesse smirked, but everyone just rolled their eyes before waiting for what Harry was about to say.

“He’s right. Tripps, Vardy, Delph, Barkley and Maguire, you guys are free to go,” The men looked rather offended but nonetheless moved away from the row.

“It says they have brown hair. So that takes out Marcus, Raheem, Wilson, Dele, Jesse, Jadon, Kyle, Danny and Trent, you can all move away,” The group simultaneously left the line to join their other teammates.

“And brown eyes.So it’s not me, or Ben, or Jordan, or Eric, or John, you guys can go,” The remaining people who had been called left. Leaving one person alone to stand with forty eyes glaring at him.

Harry Winks.

“WINKSY?” A call came from the group, Harry looked like he was about to cry.

“It can’t be him, he’s a… he’s a baby!” Eric fought, and there was a rumble of agreement.

“It’s not Winksy. It could be any of us BUT Winksy. He shouldn’t have even been a suspect,”

After at least ten minutes of defending poor innocent Winks, it was decided that it wasn’t Harry Winks.

“But if it isn’t Winksy, and it isn’t any any of us… then who is it?”

Just as the question left his lips, the door swung open, and Gareth Southgate walked in, a smile beaming upon his face.

“Boys, what are you doing here? You should get to your hotel rooms, we have a full day of training tomorrow!” He instructed, enthusiastically, and the men followed his orders, leaving the mystery for tomorrow.

But the question still rung on their heads. Who could it possibly be?

—————————————

The next morning, Harry Kane woke up, feeling rather dizzy, almost sick.

What happened yesterday? It wasn’t clear to him, it was almost a blur, too confusing to recall that he decided that nothing had even happened. If anything important had happened, he would have remembered… right?

As he sat up in his bed, rubbing his eyes, he noticed a paper sitting at the desk next to the hotel bed. Uncertain of what it was, he opened it and began to read, although his eye sight was weary for some peculiar reason.

 

‘Yes there is an addict among you
And he wears a smile
And he is a leader
And he is writing to you without your knowledge,’

 

Entirely baffled, he decided to get ready and discuss it with the other lads. Quickly, he headed down to breakfast where the men gathered around a table.

“Oh, Harry, you’re here!” John said, a confused look on his face.

“Why wouldn’t I be here?”

“We all found letters this morning and they all said the same thing,” John replied, and the men took their notes and placed them in the middle of the table. It was true, they did all say the same thing:

‘Where’s Harry?’

“Well I’m here, but…” Kane turned his head to analyse the faces around him before he gulped, “Where’s Winksy?”

——————————————

It was an hour later, after scavenging for Harry anywhere they could, when Marcus found another letter hiding behind a painting in one of the hotel hallways. He read it out to the group.

‘Yes there’s an addict among you,
And he controls you,
And he’s only doing this,
Because he knows what’s best’

He turned the note around, and it had a little line of directions they had to follow.

“Do we follow them?” Jadon asked, looking around to a bunch of questioning faces.

“Feels like a trap,” Eric said.

“This isn’t Mystery Incorporated, mate, we’re just trynna find Winksy,” Kyle commented and Eric playfully punched his arm.

“Guess all we can do is follow the directions,” Kane shrugged, and they began their journey towards wherever they’d been told to go.

——————————————

It took far too long before they came across a room they didn’t even know existed. Room ‘2.1 IN EXTRA TIME’.

Breathing once before he did it, Kane turned the knob of the door, a warm fish of air overwhelming them. It was a comfortably room, with a small fire and a beautiful sofa. There was a bod tucked in gently watching TV and drinking a smoothie.

“Winksy? Is that you?” The men dashed in to make sure he was okay, but from what they could tell, he was fine, in fact he was more than fine.

He looked as if he was almost asleep. And rather drowsy, almost how Kane felt that morning, and partially still then.

“You okay mate?”

“Eric is that you?” Winksy asked, rubbing the older man’s face, “I was waiting for you guys, I was so bored in here,”

“Winksy? Are you okay?” They repeated, “What happened?”

“This man came, he was very old, I think I know him but I don’t know how old he is, he looks old but also young, he said I was pretty,” Winks began but he got distracted by something on the pillow.

“He said ‘Daddy’s gonna give you something nice to drink’ and then he gave me this and it was very nice, but now I’m very tired, and then...” Winks closed his eyes as if he was about to fall asleep.

“WINKSY! Finish off your sentence!”

“And then he said he had to go and get to training before you guys,”

And just as he spoke, there was a call from nearby and the door swung open. Jadon sat in the corner, staring at the man, joining up every single dot he could find. It all made sense.

——————————————

The room suddenly went quiet. Harry looked up and saw that Mr Southgate had entered the room. He had a smile plastered on his face but it doesn’t seem to reach his eyes.

“Can anyone tell me what’s going on?”

Harry knows that as captain it’s his job to take responsibility for these kids. He can’t even let them out of his sight for a minute without one of them snorting coke in a bathroom. He can’t let the whole team’s reputatio-

His thoughts were interrupted by Jadon.

“How much for a line coach?”
“What are you talking about son”

“How long have you been feeding us this crap and how do you get around the drug tests?”

The coach chuckled

“Jadon, you can’t say stuff like that.”

“He’s right,” Southgate announces to the room.

“Do you think it was just a coincidence that the FA appoints me and suddenly England look like an actual fucking team? Did you all fall for the ‘here drink this special protein shake, don’t worry it’s just vanilla?’ Footballers really are dumb huh?”

“What are you on about coach?”

“Shut up Dele. We all know i called you up because we needed the deledier fandom to watch the games.”

“So you’ve been giving us coke….”

“Yes, Jesse! Try to keep up please.”

“SO THATS WHY I SAW ERIC RAWING DELE THE OTHER NIGHT, THEY WERE ON CRACK”

“MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS LINGARD” Eric yells.

“DONT TALK TO JESSE LIKE THAT, ERIC” Marcus steps into defend the older boy.

“OH REALLY WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT MARCUS?”

“WHY I OUGHTA-”

“Boys! Calm down. Here’s something that can help a bit,” Gareth assured

Southgate has about five tablespoons of coke in his palms and he blows on it so that it ends up in every corner of the room. Including their noses.

Suddenly the room is spinning and their bodies are on fire.

They wanna fight.

And dance.

And fuck.

That last part was mostly Eric and Dele.