Most days I wake up with a pit in my chest
There are thoughts that I can't put to rest
There's a worry that I can't place
lucy woke up with a pit in her chest, eyes staring wide at the ceiling. Darkness enveloped the room with the occasional soft hum of the city breaking the long stretch of silence. Her senses sharpened, hearing every tiny rustle of movement and inhale of breath coming from her and her sleeping girlfriends.
lucy reached for her phone, eyeing the time and sighing as she realized it was still a good three hours before her alarm would signal the start of her day. She closed her eyes again and willed herself to sleep but the attempt was poor. her chest was tight and heavy and every single ugly thought seemed to be keeping her awake.
plugging her headphones into her phone, lucy turned on to finish the show she had been watching the night before - the documentary of Great Barrier Reef with David Attenborough. There was something calming of the narrator’s voice and while it rarely lulls her back to sleep, it keeps her mind from wandering into unwarranted territory.
about a good half an hour into the show, lucy felt a soft tap on her shoulder. she looked up blearily, eyes squinting from the sudden change of lighting before realizing that alex was up on her elbows, a perplexed look on her face.
“can’t sleep?” alex whispered, shifting closer to Lucy’s body.
lucy merely shrugged in response.
alex’s arm hovered above Lucy’s waist, eyes seeking permission before lucy nodded her head. alex cuddled deeper into lucy, pressing a soft kiss to her shoulder and laying her head on it. She turned to get a better view of the phone screen.
lucy adjusted the phone slightly towards her. Head leaning against alex’s and basking in the closeness.
From the corner of her eyes, lucy can tell that maggie was still in a deep sleep and she was glad that she hadn’t woken up both her girlfriends with the light coming from her phone. She knew that out of the three of them, maggie had the longest week and the minute the detective had fallen into bed last night, the world had long been forgotten.
“Do you wanna go for a walk?” alex mumbled with a slur, voice still thick with sleepiness.
lucy raised her eyebrow.
“I know it’s like 4 in the morning but-” alex let her statement hang in the air.
this time, it was alex with a raised brow. Skeptically, she asked, “are you sure?”
alex gave a small smile before climbing out of bed, pulling lucy out of it whilst trying not to disturb their sleeping girlfriend. A note was left on the fridge as the two girls put on a pair of sweatpants. The air was chilly and alex made sure that lucy donned her coat despite her declining half-heartedly.
The pair made their way down their shared apartment and started strolling down the empty quiet street. There was no other human presence in the area that they were walking, and the neighborhood was calmly pleasing with just the right amount of noise, and the heaviness in her chest lifted slightly.
They didn’t hold any conversations, and truth be told, lucy couldn’t find it in her to talk anyway. but the quiet and understanding company didn’t make her feel suffocated for the lack of words exchanged. She felt freer, felt a little more like she can breathe normally again.
she glanced over at alex, heart lurching as she realized how deeply she had fallen for the girl beside her. Playing with her fingers as a futile attempt to distract herself, Lucy still can’t help but think how easy it is for her to lose everything.
to lose the only people she cared so deeply and fully about.
to lose the life and family that she had found in National City.
to lose the women that she loves with her entire being.
breathing out a staggering sigh, lucy tried to fake a smile as she looked up to her girlfriend.
“I love you,”
a beat. and then,
“promise?” lucy whispered, eyes downcasting again.
alex placed a finger under her chin, slowly lifting her head up until their eyes met.
“I will always love you,” lucy nodded her head, letting herself believe Alex’s words.
They walked a little bit more as the first morning rays start to peak through the sky. Alex had her arms looped around Lucy’s elbows, their sides pressed closely together. She pressed a kissed on Lucy’s cheeks, and the warmth spread all across her body.
“thank you,” Lucy whispered
But when you collect me with your steady hand
With a language that I understand
I feel put back together inside
By the time they reached home, Maggie had already been awake. Her body had woken up from the missing warmth of her girlfriends’ bodies next to her and whilst the note on the fridge helped her ease her mind, she still can’t help but wonder what made Alex and Lucy decide to go for a walk at that timing.
Breakfast was set and both alex and lucy gave Maggie a kiss on the cheek before they took turns in the bathroom while waiting for their coffee to be done. Maggie sat quietly at the dining table, her left leg propped up on the chair as she read the morning news.
Lucy joined her soon after, covering Maggie’s hand with her own and squeezing lightly to say thank you for the meal. Maggie smiled back at her, bringing their hands close to her lips and kissing the back of Lucy’s fingers.
By the time Alex joined them for breakfast, the three of them only had a solid hour of peacefulness before Alex’s phone rang. A collective sigh was heard and Alex grimaced as she answered the phone.
Their Sunday plan of enjoying each other’s company seemed to be in ruin as Alex geared up for work. Thankfully, Lucy’s and Maggie’s phone remained silent for the rest of the day, even though they’re silently hoping that they would get called just so one of them could keep an eye out for Alex.
the pit in her chest seemed to grow as Lucy sat on the couch, bundled up in blankets and fingers mindlessly changing the news channel. But everything in National City seemed to be eerily quiet and Lucy tried to quell the nerves in her chest.
“you alright?” Maggie asked as she busied herself with cleaning up the bookshelves.
Lucy’s automated response of muttering that she’s fine caught stuck behind her throat, a low undistinguished noise coming out instead. She buried herself deeper into the couch, her thoughts running a mile a minute.
she can’t help the worry she had for Alex.
can’t help as that worry turns into a monster in her head.
and the lonely dark thoughts crept back into her mind as it had earlier.
Maggie turned on the vinyl record player, the familiar tune of I’ll Keep You Safe by Sleeping At Last started playing. The detective stood in front of Lucy with her hands reaching out.
“dance with me?”
Lucy blinked, hesitated as she tried to wonder where the impromptu came from.
“please?” her dimples deepened and Lucy couldn’t resist it anyway.
they danced slowly to the song, Lucy’s head resting on Maggie’s shoulder as they swayed gently. The ache in her chest and weight on her shoulders tightened. Her breathing becoming heavy as her mind whispers ugly thoughts inside her head.
please don’t leave me, lucy thinks as she pulled Maggie in closer by the waist.
i can’t do this alone anymore. Lucy whispered in her head, hoping that Maggie could read her thoughts.
Tears sprang into her eyes and Lucy buried her face into Maggie’s chest. A sob escaped her lips and with how closely she is pressed to the detective, she could feel Maggie flinching.
“I got you. I promise,” Maggie whispered
Maggie hummed to the tune and Lucy falls deeper and deeper
Another night of her inability to sleep has left Lucy reeling. She’s beyond exhausted and could feel it deep inside her bone. She wanted some rest, unable to push her body and mind any second longer.
but here she was, awake at 4 in the morning with an empty spot by her side. The too small of her bed was something she was still trying to get used to. The lonely thoughts invaded her mind, her sanity starts to coil up into uneasiness. The heavy pit in her chest had only been growing for all the days that had passed.
Her hand ached to reach out for her phone and send a text to Alex or Maggie.
Her heart ached to know that she can’t do that.