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crackheads only, the novel

Chapter Text

Maybe Michael hadn't been thinking things through when he made a Discord server and posted the link on his Tumblr. Nevermind, he definitely hadn't been thinking things through, but Jeremy would probably see the link and join it now that he'd stopped ignoring–hurting, shoving, glaring, loser–Michael, and they'd make a bunch of friends. Sophomore year would never happen again, right? Right?

He returned his gaze to his phone when it buzzed in his hand.


»» Hey! Listen! Queere has joined!

cthulhu ate my asshole: howdy cowboys can i get a yeehaw


Queere: is it  j u s t  u s ?

cthulhu ate my asshole:  c AN i gET A yEEhAW

Queere: .. hawyee

cthulhu ate my asshole: aw man

cthulhu ate my asshole: like, youre gonna make me use 1% of my power

Queere: ur so draamatc, fine

Queere: yeehaw

cthulhu ate my asshole: thank

Queere: welc

»» It's bich! Praise the sun! \[T]/

bich: Hey losers

Queere: no

cthulhu ate my asshole: sorry nothing personal but that word is officially banned, slip-ups or unknowing uses not-withstanding

bich: Um. Okay?? Tf???

cthulhu ate my asshole: wait tf do you have autocorrect on? or autocapital?

bich: Yeet 

Queere: deadass??

bich: Yeah tf??

cthulhu ate my asshole: i- ive never met a teen with,,,,,, autocapitols before faints mellodramatically oml haha im so funny

Queere: stfu you spelled it wrong

cthulhu ate my asshole: shut your bitch ass up im emo

bich: Emo? EMo? Le-lemme tell you about Emo, sonny boy- i once bleached my hair just so i could dye the front of it red, and it still hasn't faded actually fucking kill me

Queere: this is so sad, keanu, play alternative top ten

bich: Wait tf Keanu??

Queere: oh oof squip joke yeet

bich: ShIt man you have one?? I-I know how to get rid of them if you need to

bich: I only got rid of mine at the end of Sophomore year, had it since halfway through Freshman

Queere: hell, dude, i got mine halfway through sophomore, got rid of it at the end of the year, made me ditch my best friend

cthulhu ate my asshole: quietly walks in i was the bes friend yeET

bich: Damn, small world lmao

bich: Oh uhhh btw,, names?? pronouns?? I'm Rich (actually Richard but I'll actually just defenestrate myself and cry if I'm called that yeet We Love Triggers Here), they/them pls do not bully me I am small and weak

cthulhu ate my asshole: oh thank you goddess we love diversity here

cthulhu ate my asshole: im michael, feel free to use nichnames as long as theyre not feminine, he/him (trans guy yEET but dw u can bully me i crave attention)

Queere: dont bully him he'll actually cry

cthulhu ate my asshole: wtf dont expose me

bich: Lmao

QueereaNyWaY im Jeremy Heere (u see i am vv funny hAHA LAUGH AT MY NAME I CRAVE VALIDATION) he/him they/them she/her idfk gender's a social construct

bich: ur validation

cthulhu ate my asshole: tea

»» audrey 2 has joined the server! It's super effective!

Queere:  oh shit a new person

cthulhu ate my asshole: howdy ho laddy welcome aboard my pirate ship

Queere: tf

cthulhu ate my asshole: srry srry hi new person!!

audrey 2:  wh

bich: Oof oof welcome to hell, can I have your name, pronouns, and the last four numbers of your credit card, c'mon Fortniters

cthulhu ate my asshole: tf

Queere: tf

Audrey 2: tf

bich: You guys don't know that meme?? HeCK gott a blAST

cthulhu ate my asshole: oh its a meme makes sense

Queere: yee

audrey 2: um. hi. i'm evan?? he him, trans male

bich: Shit I forgot the new one I'm so sorry for this terrible first impression

cthulhu ate my asshole: ^^^

Queere: rt

audrey 2: it's fine dw lmao

audrey 2: should you pin the intros?? they'll probs get lost in the disaster this gc seems to be

cthulhu ate my asshole: damn i just got called out by a plant

cthulhu ate my asshole: fair point tho 

cthulhu ate my asshole pinned "um. hi. i'm evan?? he him, trans male" to #general

cthulhu ate my asshole pinned "Oh uhhh btw,, names?? pronouns?? I'm Rich (actually Richard but I'll actually just defenestrate myself and cry if I'm called that yeet We Love Triggers Here), they/them pls do not bully me I am small and weak" to #general 

cthulhu ate my asshole pinned "im michael, feel free to use nichnames as long as theyre not feminine, he/him (trans guy yEET but dw u can bully me i crave attention)" to #general

cthulhu ate my asshole pinned "aNyWaY im Jeremy Heere (u see i am vv funny hAHA LAUGH AT MY NAME I CRAVE VALIDATION) he/him they/them she/her idfk gender's a social construct" to #general

cthulhu ate my asshole: ugh that took so much effort

cthulhu ate my asshole: guys

cthulhu ate my asshole: ,,,

cthulhu ate my asshole: fellow sailors aboard my pirate ship??

cthulhu ate my asshole: tf whered yall go its been fifteen minutes

cthulhu ate my asshole: are yall sleeping what time is it??

cthulhu ate my asshole: oh. shit. 'tis 7 am

cthulhu ate my asshole: gotTA BLAST


»» Cheers, love! BreadRollan is here!

BreadRollan: Hello!

BreadRollan: shit. theyre..... night dwellers

bich: Tf

BreadRollan: gotta blaST

Chapter Text


cthulhu ate my asshole: yo wtf whend the new person get here i just woke up

audrey 2: michael what the hell its 4pm

cthulhu ate my asshole: ive done worse


cthulhu ate my asshole: ivE DONE WORSE

Queereis typing...

cthulhu ate my asshole: wtf you dweeb did you rlly just type 'is typing' wth kinda-

Queere: alright Bitch if i came here to be bullied id have called my mom

bich: Oof

audrey 2: oof

BreadRollan: oof

cthulhu ate my asshole: oof

Queere: that hurt me more than it will ever hurt you and i regret everything

Queere: wow look a distraction

Queere: newcomer! Who are you, name, pronouns, anything else, we're all memes here, nothing to worry about!

BreadRollan: i could catch Dumbass, there's a lot to be worried about

cthulhu ate my asshole: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh scrEw yOu mAn squeaky nerd voice

BreadRollan: okay, that was a good one, you're worth my time

BreadRollan: Hi! I'm Jenna Rollan, she/her, and i'm most certainly not straight!

cthulhu ate my asshole pinned "Hi! I'm Jenna Rollan, she/her, and i'm most certainly not straight!" to #general

cthulhu ate my asshole: mood

bich: mood

audrey 2: mood

Queere: mood

BreadRollan: I'm glad we share the Not Straight™

cthulhu ate my asshole: yes

bich: Stfu Michael you read furry fics

cthulhu ate my asshole: sHUT TF UR MOUTH WTF I DO NOT?????

Queere: don't worry micha we're all friends here

BreadRollan: I are have concern

audrey 2: I be feeling like that sometimes


audrey 2: damn never felt betrayal like this before no one replied it's been three hours plEASE


audrey 2: damn


cthulhu ate my asshole: yknow i just met yall but you seem really cool i'm glad i mad e this server

bich:  gay

bich: Y'all

BreadRollan: yall

audrey 2: yall

Queere: yall

cthulhu ate my asshole: alright Listen

cthulhu ate my asshole:  you guys are being MEan to ME and i am just tryu g to be soft and give you my lve and affection blows fire

cthulhu ate my asshole: lmao i guess you could say this server just became pretty lit

BreadRollan: Please ban yourself. Its for the greater good, sweets

cthulhu ate my asshole: rude

Queere: are you high rn

cthulhu ate my asshole: fyck u

Queere: thats a yes ugh pm me when you're sober

cthulhu ate my asshole: yes Daddy

cthulhu ate my asshole: jkjk hes not a Daddy but a Father™

bich: Woah wth your high??? Like, weed????

audrey 2: uh-

BreadRollan: Yo, you ok dude??

cthulhu ate my asshole: yeee bich, ??? tf evan??, and lmao im going into junior year is anyone ok??

Queere: do you guys have a problem with that?

bich: No, I just have Concern. Also, same, I'm abotu to be a junior

BreadRollan: ^^^

audrey 2: ^^^^^

Queere: good

Queere: don't forget to pm me micha

---Private Message: cthulhu ate my assholeQueere---

Queere: micha it's been a while

Queere: youre not still high are you?

cthulhu ate my asshole: wh-

cthulhu ate my asshole: shit no im not online gotta go

Queere:  miCHAEL

cthulhu ate my asshole: im nt here

Queere: alright who tf do you think youre fooling you didnt even make yourslef invis, you didn't stop typing, c'mon michael

cthulhu ate my asshole: stfu 

Queere: well thats a defeat if ive ever heard one

Queere: ar e you still high

cthulhu ate my asshole: no

Queere: good, what happened??

Queere: you said you'd stop

cthulhu ate my asshole: yeah, well, you also said we'd 'never not be a team' but promises get broken sometimes

Queere: oof

cthulhu ate my asshole: sorry

Queere: no its fine i probs deserved that lol

Queere: but srsly, whats going on??

cthulhu ate my asshole: oh um

cthulhu ate my asshole: i guess i just,,

cthulhu ate my asshole: couldnt fight the urge lmao haha

Queere: okay, but why

Queere: if you want to tell me, ofc

cthulhu ate my asshole: um. just,, felt,, upset for not reason and figured getting high was better than

cthulhu ate my asshole: yknow

cthulhu ate my asshole: the alternative

Queere: oof yeah

Queere: pleASE talk to me next time tho

Queere: you know im here for you, for real this time, i promise micha

cthulhu ate my asshole: ,,and if christine asks you out or smth?

Queere: who have i known longer??

Queere: yeah, shed be important, but tbh i dont rlly like her anymore

Queere: youre my fav person micha, you come first

cthulhu ate my asshole: oh. okay

cthulhu ate my asshole: thanks, ur my fav too 

Queere: <3

cthulhu ate my asshole: <3

---crackheads only, 5 members online---

bich: Where'd everyone go, you're all online

BreadRollan: Literally no one was speaking, why would we be active?

bich: Look if i wanted to be destroyed mentally, physically, and emotionally, I'd have gone to my dad

bich: shit

Queere: wAit rICH

audrey 2: wH-

cthulhu ate my asshole: rICh are you okay????


bich: No!!! Shit just delete that message please

audrey 2: thats not all that convincing-

BreadRollan: Dude, are you sure? We're here for you

bich: yall probs dont even live near me-

cthulhu ate my asshole: where do you live??

bich: Ugh I probably shouldn't say this but Red Bank, NJ

cthulhu ate my asshole: wait a fuckin second-

Queere: hold tf up-

BreadRollan: WhAT-

bich: What's the issue??

Queere: michael and I live there

BreadRollan: Me too???

audrey 2: oof I'm 6 hours away hh

audrey 2: im in rochester, though

cthulhu ate my asshole: no fucking way do we all live so close to each other

cthulhu ate my asshole: and 6 hours isnt that far if we all meet halfway, holy shit

audrey 2: oh shit you're right

cthulhu ate my asshole: i kNOW

Queere: but like actual issue

Queere: we probs go to the same school or something, if u need help, rich, come to us

BreadRollan: ^^

cthulhu ate my asshole: ^^^

audrey 2: im not close to you but im good with words sometimes?? i'll help however i can

bich: Oh. Thanks, but idk what y'all look like??

BreadRollan: hm, that's... a fair point

cthulhu ate my asshole: (oh, so he can say "y'all" but not me?? discrimination)

Queere: (shut up this is serious)

cthulhu ate my asshole: (oof that hurted)

bich: Lmao

bich: Idk ab y'all, but I don't really feel comfortable sharing my face just yet?? especially if we'll see each other in school

cthulhu ate my asshole: a fair mood

Queere: ^

audrey 2: I don't go to your school but ^^

BreadRollan: ^^^

bich: glad to see we're all in agreement.

cthulhu ate my asshole: ,, i still want to help tho

bich: Dw ab it, I've dealt with it for a while, I just,,, made a joke in poor taste

cthulhu ate my asshole: hhh okat,,, stay safe, or try your best y'all

Queere: yes, and you too

bich: ^

audrey 2: ^

BreadRollan: ^

Welcome screams in *proper lady*. Leave your weapons by the door.

It's a bird! It's a plane! Nevermind, it's just cries in *perfection*.

cthulhu ate my asshole: oh shit 2 new ppl

Queere: dman

bich: dman

BreadRollan: dman

audrey 2: dman

cthulhu ate my asshole: dman

Queere: screw you guys

Queere: anY WAY

Queere: new people! introduce yourself! name, age/what grade youre going into, pronouns, and if you feel like it, the town/city you live in

screams in *proper lady*: Oh, okay. Hi, my name is Alana, I'm 17 (about to be a senior), she/her, and I live in Rochester

cthulhu ate my asshole: proper

Queere: exactly dumbass-

bich: Read the username, mIChael

cries in *perfection*: alright, Guess So, i'm Zoe, she/her, 16 (ab to be a junior), and i live in Rochester

audrey 2: no fukcing way whatt the fuyck

BreadRollan: You okay Evan??

audrey 2: no im the fuck no okay, imight go to school lwith these ppl ive alresdy started showing the crachhead wft this is discriminsation

cries in *perfection*: oof, i'm guessing you live in rochester then?? 

bich: read up

screams in *proper lady*Don't worry, Evan! I don't judge, and neither does Zoe, I've known her for a little while! Besides, we don't know what you look like, anyway!

audrey 2: hhhhhhhhhhh okay guess so i hate fevrything

cthulhu ate my asshole: if that aint my biggest mood-

Queere: ^^

BreadRollan: Lmao

Chapter Text

cthulhu ate my asshole: guys guys

cthulhu ate my asshole: want a little pot??

Queere: michael pls its not even tomorrow don't tell me youre high again

cthulhu ate my asshole: what?? wdym?? i just wanna know if you want a little pot

bich: Boi what is pot used for?

cthulhu ate my asshole: ,,,,flowers??

cthulhu ate my asshole: i like ceramics, so im making little pots! when we meet, i can give you one, or mail them to alana and zoe and evan!

BreadRollan: Oml you pure boy

audrey 2: lad aren't you supposed to be the pothead??

screams in *proper lady*: Have you been getting enough sleep, Michael??

Queere: probably not

cthulhu ate my asshole: bois. i just. want to. make. some. dAmn. pots. i need an excuse to do this plEase do you wany some lil pots i didnt ask for an intervention, blEAsE

cries in *perfection*: mood

bich: Damn sorry for are having Concern

audrey 2: lmao

cthulhu ate my asshole: dO YOU WANT POTS OR NOT PLEASE LOrD

Queere: yee

bich: Yeah

audrey 2: yes please!

BreadRollan: Um okay

cries in *perfection*: guess so

screams in *proper lady*: If you don't mind?


cries in *perfection*: sorry lol

Queere: i practically live with you, you could've just asked me in person

cthulhu ate my asshole: stfu im emo

cthulhu ate my asshole: sucks in a DEEP breath

Queere: dont do it

bich: Is he ab to-

screams in *proper lady*: I'm confused?? Why are y'all so scared???

cthulhu ate my asshole: Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

BreadRollan:  burn it

cries in *perfection*: wwtF

screams in *proper lady*: O-Oh

Queere: banned

audrey 2: i-i think i'm gonna,,,

audrey 2:  emoify

bich: Ho don't do it

audrey 2: “Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

cthulhu ate my asshole: YES MY INFLUENCE

cthulhu ate my asshole: SPREAD YOUR WINGS

cthulhu ate my asshole: AND EMOIFY

Queere: CURSED

bich: dESTROY IT

screams in *proper lady*: I-I-

screams in *proper lady*: Ever since the accident-

cries in *perfection*: i crave the sweet release of death

BreadRollan: "I'm Vampire Potter"

bich: CURSED

audrey 2: OUR POWER

cthulhu ate my asshole: THE EMOS SHALL RISE

BreadRollan: AHAHAHA

cthulhu ate my asshole: on a completely separate note, jere, wanna come over??

Queere: yeet ok

cries in *perfection*: wholesome


cthulhu ate my asshole: yooooo have yallever tried pouttinfg coffee i . your bowl instead of milk when you have cereal?? 

cthulhu ate my asshole: like, you make coffee (with milk not water) and you dont put sugar in it

cthulhu ate my asshole: instead you put some sugary ass cereal in a bowl (highly rec honey nut cheerios)

cthulhu ate my asshole: and pour in the coffee after, and then the sugery cereal sweete s the coffee

bich: Boi tf its 3 am

Queere: rich but just Listen alright

Queere: its rlly fucking good

audrey 2: bois tf its 3 am blease

BreadRollan: Someone, somewhere, help them



cries in *perfection*: i think im losing braincells

screams in *proper lady*: Um, are you two alright? I mean, damn, guys

Queere: oh shit

cthulhu ate my asshole: oh shit 

Queere: gotta go

cthulhu ate my asshole: gOTTABLAST 


bich: yo @cthulhu ate my asshole you never pinned zoe ad alanas intros

cthulhu ate my asshole: OOOF GOTTA GO

cthulhu ate my asshole pinned "Oh, okay. Hi, my name is Alana, I'm 17 (about to be a senior), she/her, and I live in Rochester" to #general

cthulhu ate my asshole pinned "alright, Guess So, i'm Zoe, she/her, 16 (ab to be a junior), and i live in Rochester" to #general

Welcome kingsman villain. Leave your weapons by the door.

cthulhu ate my asshole: introduce yourself real fsast its seven am and i need time to be gay beofre the apple of my eye wajes up

kingsman villain: ummm okay????? hi I'm Chloe, 16, and ive been an addict for twelve yeers

cthulhu ate my asshole: okay mood

cthulhu ate my asshole: a meme, but a mood

cthulhu ate my asshole pinned "ummm okay????? hi I'm Chloe, 16, and ive been an addict for twelve yeers" to #general

cthulhu ate my asshole: bye fuckers

kingsman villain: guess So

Chapter Text

---crackheads only, 3 online---

Queere: hey guys, whats up??

kingsman villain: Your boyf is soft

Queere: my,,,, boyf??

kingsman villain: Yeah, your boyfriend

kingsman villain: Michael?/

Queere: we're not,,, what

bich: @cthulhu ate my asshole don't read up Jeremy

cthulhu ate my asshole: shit-

Queere: well thats always a cue to read up, sooo

Queere: micha wait what-

Queere: 'apple of my eye' ??

cthulhu ate my asshole: wow. suddenly i cannot read, see, hear, smell, taste, or feel

cthulhu ate my asshole: all six senses: pOOf

Queere: so we're not talking ab this??

cthulhu: do yall hear smth??

bich: oof

audrey 2: thats rough

cries in *perfection*: tragic

screams in *proper lady*: Oh, dear

kingsman villain: ,,,, Did I say smth wrong???

bich: yes

kingsman villain: goD daMmit this is why mom doesnt fUCKING loVE ME

cries in *perfection*: mood

audrey 2: that really shouldn't be a mood

cries in *perfection*: ,,but it is though??

audrey 2: gosh diddly darn, well, i tried

---Private Message: cthulhu ate my assholeQueere---

Queere: heyy,,

Queere: what the heckity heck was that about??

cthulhu ate my asshole: i cant read, sorry

cthulhu ate my asshole: did you say 'the cow eats the pecks of crows'??

Queere: miCha

Queere: im tRying to be SERioUS

Queere: im also At your House, like, in it, i will stand outside the bathroom until you unlock it

cthulhu ate my asshole: no

Queere: so you cAn read it??

cthulhu ate my asshole: n,,no

cthulhu ate my asshole: shut uP


cthulhu ate my asshole: fINE DAMN MA IS IT THAT SERIOUS

Queere: yEs

cthulhu ate my asshole: daMn alright cHILL she pulled a sNEAKY

Queere: tf

cthulhu ate my asshole: hhhh do i have to tho

---crackheads only, 6 online

BreadRollan: lmao

BreadRollan: Dude you suck at being controlling, like, damn

audrey 2: alright hEck you too

audrey 2: its not like we live anywhere near each other

bich: ...

BreadRollan: ...

kingsman villain: ...

cries in *perfection*: ...

screams in *proper lady*: ...

audrey 2: what??

bich: ... give it a second


BreadRollan: lmAO IM SOBBING

bich: Yo chill it wasn't that funny

bich: Hilarious? Yes, A Real Tearjerker? Not quite

BreadRollan: don't invalidate me

cthulhu ate my asshole: centennial (gen z for UNINFORMED INDIVIDUALS) culture is invalidating yourself and then being offended when someone else invalidates you

kingsman villain: dman, ulitimate callout post

cthulhu ate my asshole: hehhehheheheheheh

Queere: disaster

cthulhu ate my asshole: dO YAL: HEAR SMTH???