Chapter Text
I paced. To say it was a habit of mine would be a bit like saying swimming was a habit for sharks. The movement helped me think, or so I reasoned to myself, and thinking helped me avoid drowning. Particularly, I was thinking about how I was avoiding thinking of the thing I was trying not to think about instead of thinking about the thing I was avoiding trying to think about. I thought.
Blinking, I paused my movement across the floor. With growing horror, I realized that I had quite literally worn a groove into the carpet. My marching had left visible footprints, as though the concrete foundation were as malleable as mud. I growled in frustration, forcing myself to take a few moments to gather my composure and control my breathing. Once I’d built up a semblance of calm I did my best to fix the damage. It was imperfect -the parts of the carpet my power compressed had fused together in a way I didn’t know how to pick apart- but I tried getting it as close as I could manage.
I snorted at the ridiculousness of it all. Powers! And I almost wished I’d never gotten them. Meeting heroes! Because of a disaster I’d caused. Moving to Seattle! Because I was afraid I’d tear the house apart if I moved back in with my parents. The thought of my power hurting one of the cats -or worse, one of the people I cared about- was almost too much to bear. I had to keep that from happening, but that was a hell of a fuck of a lot easier said than done. The simplest option was to just put some distance between them and me, but I didn’t think I could bring myself to never talk to my friends again. To never talk to Ajay again. He was going to move back to Texas anyway, so what I could or couldn’t do in that regard was pretty much irrelevant.
I’d decided to become a superhero, but what did that mean? Just going out and getting in fistfights with criminals and supervillains? Being a particularly obedient cog in a soulless bureaucratic machine? Or maybe it could mean making the deliberate choice to be more , to use whatever resources at my disposal to reduce harm. To use my influence to steer the future toward a universe of growth and prosperity for the earth and all its children. I could almost envision it, the world that could be , the world where no one had to die scared and alone, where-
There was a knock on the door. I emphatically did not screech, but I might have jumped a little. Or several feet into the air, propelled by the ground I was standing on. And I might have, perhaps, screamed in terror as I fell back down. The landing was quite soft, thanks to my power. Thank you, power. Thank you so much.
And so it was that Ajay opened the door in alarm and found me sitting on my ass on the ground, making a sincere effort to not die of embarrassment. Ajay, the little rat bastard, was making no effort at all to hide his amusement. And, I suspected, relief.
“You’re a dork,” he said, helping me to my feet. Seeing my face, his demeanor became concerned. “What the fuck happened, Carmin? You look like you’ve been through hell. People have been saying there was a villain attack or some shit, and all you said was to meet you at the apartment’s main office. There were PRT guys outside, and they didn’t let me through until I showed them the text you sent me.”
I swallowed. He didn’t say it, but he must have seen what had happened to the apartment complex. I was still holding his hand, and that helped give me the strength to say what I’d asked him to come here for.
“I have powers now,” I said flatly, with no preamble. My voice quivered a little on the word ‘powers’. The next part would be the hardest. Ajay was my best friend, and I trusted him more than anyone, but it was still really hard to put it into words and share them with someone else. It made it more real somehow.
“That’s awesome!” he said, giving me a wide smile. His enthusiasm warmed me, and I reciprocated as best as I could manage. Apparently the best I could manage wasn’t very good, because he immediately sobered up. “What happened?”
I took a deep, slow breath. “We should probably sit down first, it’s kind of a doozy.”
“I’ll bet.”
“Thank you. For coming, I mean.”
"Of course Carmin, you’re my best friend. I love you.”
We sat down on one of the cheap couches, turning to face each other. He looked uncharacteristically serious, contrasting with his carefully put together fashion and artful make up. He was pale, with red hair in a modern style I knew he’d cut himself. His ears were pierced with little jingly spiky things hanging down. I was procrastinating again.
“Right, so my roommates attacked me.”
His eyes widened at the blunt statement. I hurried to clarify.
“It was… well. So you know how they cut off my access to the internet?”
He nodded.
“Well this morning I got fed up and reset it. And when Ray noticed, he burst into my room. He yelled at me, insulted me, and ignored my repeated requests to leave. So I tried pushing him out. It didn’t work, and he pushed back a lot harder. That was when I got my powers.”
I went silent. Unwilling, or maybe unable, to address the question I knew was on his mind.
“Carmin, what happened? I’m worried about you.” The quiet concern in his voice nearly broke me.
Blinking tears out of my eyes, I started going over what had happened for what felt like the hundredth time today. My voice was mechanical as I explained losing control of my powers and trying desperately to fix things. How I’d saved people, but someone had still died. How I’d met Snap and been invited to join the Protectorate. My conviction to become a superhero.
He listened intently, nodding and expressing sympathy as I told my story. When I told him about the man that died -about John- we both cried. The emotional reality of what had happened was starting to sink in, the feelings I knew I’d be wrestling with for years. It was daunting. At the same time, being able to talk to Ajay and know for sure that my powers hadn’t changed anything between us was a huge weight off my back.
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m not sure,” I said honestly. “I’ve considered a few options, but they’ve all got their downsides. And upsides, of course.”
He nodded. “You’ll figure it out, you’re smart as hell.”
I looked away, unable to hide my flustered smile. “Thank you, Ajay. I was actually hoping to get your take on it. After everything that happened, I’m not sure if I’m in a state of mind to decide all on my own.”
“Of course I’ll help. What are you thinking?”
“In terms of superhero stuff, the main options are joining the Protectorate, joining a corporate or independent team, or striking out on my own. I could also try to make money off my power and then donate it, or just do low-income housing projects directly. Although really, the most efficient thing might be traveling to a third world country and using my power to build basic infrastructure.”
Ajay looked thoughtful for a moment. “Well you wanna be a superhero, right?”
“Yeah, definitely.”
“You could still do charity and housing projects and shit if you were a superhero, right?”
I tilted my head, thinking. “I definitely could, yeah. That’s a good point.”
“So why do you wanna be a superhero?”
“I want to help people,” I said without a moment’s hesitation, “And I want-” I paused for a moment, struggling to articulate the thought. “I want to matter. I want to have an impact, to make a difference, I want little trans girls that don’t know who they are yet to look at me and feel hope. What I want more than anything is to fight back against all the evil and pain in the world, with every tool and trick I’ve got. That’s why I want to be a superhero.”
Ajay smiled. “Sounds like you’ve got that part figured out. So uh, what were the options again?”
“Protectorate, corporate, independent. I could also go out on my own, but that would be stupid; it’d be like scaling a cliff with no training or back up just because I found some climbing equipment. I’d only do it if I had no other choice.”
“But you’d still do it?”
I thought for a moment. “I’d take my time, prepare as best I could, but… yeah. I think I would.”
He looked troubled. “What if you just… didn’t use it?”
“What, like pretend none of this happened? Act like I’m normal? That ship sailed a long time ago.”
“No- I mean, aren’t you afraid of it hurting someone else?”
“Of course I am. But it’s not as simple as just not using it.” I paused for a moment, looking away. “I can’t control it, not completely; when I’m agitated it just flares up without warning, like a ring of spikes sprouting from the ground when I get mad or traps or- or whatever! Ignoring it isn’t an option, so my only choice is to get all the help I can to master my power.”
Ajay went quiet, and for a few moments the only sound was the steady ticking of a cheap wall-mounted clock. Eventually his face broke into a grin. “Let’s do this, bitch.”
I gave him a high five, relieved beyond measure that he wasn’t afraid of me. “So the first option is the Protectorate, they’re sort of like cops with superpowers.”
He rolled his eyes. “I know that. ”
“I just figured I’d give ‘em all a one sentence summary to like, I dunno, frame the discussion or whatever. I wasn’t—” I stopped myself with a shake of the head, taking a moment to refocus. “Anyway, the next option is joining a—” I repressed a sigh. “—a corporate team.”
He gave me an amused look.
“What, there something on my face?”
“Just you being you, Carmin. What’s got you so worked up about them?”
“Corporate teams, you mean?”
He nodded.
“Well.” I looked over at the statue I made earlier. “I just don’t like the idea of being beholden to like, a completely profit driven organization. Their nature incentivizes them to focus on what ends up getting them wealth or fame instead of what does the most good.”
“Yeah, but doesn’t the Protectorate have the same sort of shit? Corruption, coverups, whatever else.”
“You’re right, it’s a flawed organization. I guess what I’m worried about is not having any teammates whose primary concern is making things better. Like, what if helping the people who most need help isn’t profitable? At least with the Protectorate I wouldn’t have to worry about pleasing shareholders.”
“Alright, what about the last one? Independents, right?”
I nodded. “There are a lot of ideological teams in and around Seattle, and I’m pretty sure I’d fit in with some of them. The only problem is that none of them offer the same access to healthcare and resources that a large organization can; as far as I can tell, Protectorate capes have the best overall survival rate of any group aside from rogues.”
“The Protectorate seems like the best option,” he said, sounding disturbed. Maybe by the talk of survival rates?
I reached out and squeezed his hand. “Don’t worry Ajay, I’m not going to be reckless or take unnecessary risks. You know how careful I am, right?”
He nodded, giving a subdued smile.
“I’m going to do this right. Take every reasonable precaution, seek out knowledge and advice, make sure I have back-up at every point. I don’t plan on being another statistic.”
“Just don’t get hurt, okay Carmin? I love you.”
I gave him a short, fierce hug. “So wanna see what I can do?”
“Hell yeah!”
-||-
“This fucking sucks,” I said, aiming for a conversational tone. My breathing might have been a little more labored than I’d prefer, the result of a short uphill hike through dense, coniferous rainforest. We’d wandered through this area dozens of times and I’d always loved how peaceful it was; now the trees were confining, endless rows of living columns, blocking the sky and burying stumbling blocks in the soil. After only a few hours, my sense of the environment around me felt as natural and comforting as breathing. Whatever feeling of security it had provided had been taken as soon as I passed under the shadow of the trees.
The dense creeping roots beneath our feet broke up whatever signal my power used to map out my surroundings, filling it with blanks and ambiguities I hadn’t learned to compensate for. Standing on one of the larger roots poking up through the ground had resulted in my environment sense cutting out completely, as though as far as my power were concerned I was standing on thin air. It was like having floaters in my eye that were specifically designed to block my vision of obstacles.
Ajay was, on the surface at least, amused at my clumsiness and frustration. He was just ahead, leading me to a spot he was confident wouldn’t have any unwanted onlookers.
“You were the one that wanted to keep your power secret, Miss Complainy Pants.”
“I reserve the right to bitch about every single part of my life,” I said, giving him a Look. “And if I bring trouble on myself because of my own shitty attitude, I’ll bitch about it even more.”
“Oh I know you do, Carmin, I know.”
“Oh yeah?” I asked, meeting his eyes. “Well you know what? You know what!?”
“What?”
“You’re right.”
We both broke into fits of laughter at the same time, our voices lost between the trees. That was when I tripped again.
It was a good, proper trip too. In a single step I hooked my foot on a root I hadn’t noticed and transferred all my momentum from moving forward into falling face first into cold, mossy soil. My hands instinctively shot out to break my fall, and before I quite knew what was happening the ground rose up to push me back upright. I stumbled back a couple steps before refocusing and flattening it again, trying to put the displaced plants where they were before. Unfortunately several of them had gotten pulped when the ground had risen up.
Ajay stared at me for several long seconds. “That was fucking awesome!” He said, all breathless enthusiasm. “Carmin, that was amazing. Oh and yeah, we’re here.”
Here didn’t look any different from the rest of the forest, save for being further away from the main trails. I rotated in place, looking for an out of the way spot relatively clear of trees. There!, I thought, spotting a clearing nestled between a hill and a verdant curtain of pine trees that obscured it from casual observation. People probably wouldn’t come this way, but I wasn’t going to bet my secret identity on it. God, that was weird to think about. I had a fucking secret identity .
Like a lot of things in my life now, it was really awesome and really scary at the same time.
“A’ight bitch, we’re here. Show me your power!”
I rolled my eyes at him. “Your will is my command.”
With that, I strode into the center of the small clearing, gesturing for Ajay to back up further. With the trees messing with my power, he didn’t have to go very far before I was confident he was safe from any flare ups. I gave him a thumbs up, loosening my grip on my power at the same time. I didn’t do anything big, just made the ground I was on ripple a little. It was a little like standing on a trampoline or bouncy house, except made of dirt. I frowned, I’d intended to push a little harder than that. Why…?
Oh of course, it was all those stupid root systems. They were going to regret having the temerity to be in my way when I just so happened to get powers they interfered with. I couldn’t affect them with my power, but as long as they were there I’d be half-blind. Or half-numb? Either way the roots were a problem. I thought for a moment, face scrunching in concentration. When I’d tripped earlier, I’d been able to move plants with the dirt around them. Perhaps all I needed was a push.
My power was more than happy to oblige. A slow wave of crushing, inevitable force rippled through the ground at my command, overturning the earth and pushing the offending flora well outside of my range.
“Holy shit, that’s awesome!”
I smirked. “I haven’t even started yet.”
Now all I needed to do was to figure out what I was going to do. Absent other ideas, I made the ground ripple again. This time the effect was much more pronounced, actually lifting me off the ground a little. It really was a lot like jumping on a trampoline. Except the trampoline was alive, and willing to vigorously assist with both the take-off and landing. Each time I hit the ground my power absorbed the force of the fall, safely redirecting and adding momentum to throw me back upward. After only a few bounces I was in danger of smacking directly into the canopy overhead, wind slicing past my ears, caught between terror and excitement so intense I couldn’t even scream.
I landed awkwardly, my breath pushed out by the force of my landing. Pushing myself up onto my elbows, I realized that my landing had created a comically large -and distinctly Carmilla-shaped- crater. I started laughing, a chuckle quickly turning into an almost unhinged cackle. Ajay rushed over, and my breathless explanation or pointing got him laughing too. It wasn’t all that funny, really, but something about the situation had us literally rolling on the ground.
“We shall call it the Carmillian Impression. An example of the postmodernist medium of inverted statues,” I said after dusting myself off, audibly struggling to keep my voice serious.
“Oh, wow,” Ajay said, affecting a higher-pitched know it all voice. “I get it, it’s a metaphor for the emptiness in your soul caused by the suffering of mother earth!”
“Oh my god,” I deadpanned. “You’re right. How did you guess my completely deliberate and planned out intentions for this art piece?”
“Guess it just spoke to me.”
“Right. So, wanna see me make a bunch of spikes and shit?”
“Fuck yeah I do!”
“Excellent. I’m gonna need you to back up again.”
While he retook his position behind a big tree, I took the time to remove all traces of my impromptu art piece and return to my place at the center of the clearing. Slowly, carefully, I relaxed my grip on my power. It seemed to do some things almost automatically; as soon as I’d started releasing control, stone flooring had begun spreading out from underneath my feet. It crept slowly over and into the freshly turned earth, burrowing like roots being played in time-lapse. With the foundation in place, walls could be erected, but it wouldn’t do to block Ajay’s view; instead I pushed my power toward traps, the flashier the better. Small spikes poked up from every inch of the floor, evenly spaced to leave no safe surfaces.
The ground began to rise under me, a cylindrical column a few feet wide displaying me like a pedestal. My balance wasn’t quite up to the task of dealing with the sudden shift; I fell to my knees, watching in fascination as radially symmetric rings of metal spikes sprouted along the sides of the column. They curved upward like talons scrabbling at the sky, sharp edges pointed outwards. I was definitely gonna need to take this down before we left; it’d tear me up inside if some innocent wildlife got injured or killed because of my carelessness.
In less than a minute the spikes had finished growing, the highest tall enough to extend high above my head and curved enough that their tips met at a single point. There was room to extend my arms and flail them around without hitting a wall, but not a whole lot more than that; it looked like some kind of giant, incredibly metal birdcage. An idea sparking in my head, I threw myself up to the ceiling and grabbed on. As I’d hoped, I was able to shape it to hold onto my arms and keep me from falling back down. With some effort, and a lot of swearing, I was able to get my feet onto the ceiling too; I took a deep breath, silently cursing myself for having ideas, and released the ceiling’s grip on my arms. The primary effect was that I flopped down like a fish on a hook, the secondary effect was that my dress fell down onto my face.
Good thing I decided to wear pants today, I thought.
“Holy shit! Carmin, this is amazing!”
“You ain’t seen nothing yet!” I shouted back, smiling.
With an annoyed sound, I pushed my dress out of my face and reached down with a tendril to keep it from falling back down. Once that was dealt with being upside down was surprisingly comfortable; even after hanging there for a full minute I didn’t feel even slightly light headed. Did that have something to do with my power?
“You still with me, hun!?”
Oh, right. Two lengths of chain emerged from the ceiling at my command, a carefully chosen distance from each other. My hands guided them to rest, suspended in the center of the bulb-shaped cage; my feet, held tightly but gently by the surrounding metal, let me sense only a few feet down the chains. My hands, touching the other end, were close enough for their ranges to overlap with the ones from my feet, letting me extend my control all the way to the end of the chain. Slowly, I began to grow a carefully shaped length of wood connecting the ends of the chains.
Once that was done, I tugged on the whole assembly experimentally. It seemed sound enough, so I unceremoniously flopped down into the seat I made. I immediately started swinging; Ajay laughed and waved at me, and I grinned and waved back. Maybe my power wasn’t so bad. It let me make things, change things, and now no one could trap me ever again. Then Ajay moved, there was a rustling of leaves, and I heard a cry of alarm.
Everything fled my mind save the determination to not let my best friend die. At the apex of a swing I let go, my momentum carrying me into and through the bars of the cage. The metal writhed around me, pulling me back toward the center of the cage for a few frozen moments; all at once, it returned to its former shape with a suddenness that cracked loudly against the air. I shot forth like an arrow from a bow, impacting the ground next to Ajay with enough force to make it ripple like the surface of a pond before it settled back down to something like its former shape.
“Ajayareyouokayareyouhurtpleasebeokay-”
“Carmin, Carmin, I’m fine,” Ajay said soothingly, interrupting my panicked babbling. “Calm down. Breathe.”
I did so, forcing myself into a steady rhythm despite my panic. In a few moments, I’d calmed enough to speak clearly.
“What happened?”
“Ah, while you were on your little swing, I noticed a spike creeping up through the leaves behind me. I was bending down to look, and they started popping up all over the place! That was when I yelled.”
“So you’re not hurt at all, not even a little?”
He gave me a fondly exasperated look and shook his head. “I told you, I’m fine.”
My whole body relaxed, releasing a tension I hadn’t realized had been there. “Right, I’d better start getting rid of these spikes.”
It took awhile, but having Ajay there to chat with made it easier. After half an hour or so we were getting ready to leave; it felt like the right time to address things.
“I’m probably headed to Seattle tomorrow or the day after, and you were already gonna move back to Texas…” I trailed off, not sure how to finish the sentence.
I let the words hang there between us, the all-encompassing forest bearing witness to the exchange. The air was wet, thick with the smell of pine and moss and rain. I put my hand in my pockets to warm them, my gaze on a rock I’d been poking around with the toe of my shoe.
“Yeah,” Ajay said eventually, voice subdued, “It’s gonna be awhile before we’ll be able to see each other again. If we ever see each other again.” With each word, he seemed to sink lower into himself.
“Hey,” I said, holding out a hand toward him. He took it, giving me a small smile. “I’m gonna be a superhero Ajay, that means I can actually have the money for vacations and shit. Even if you can’t move back, I can still visit you.”
He brightened a little. “You promise?”
“Fuck yeah I do. You’re my best friend, I love you.”
I gave him a hug, and he returned it with gusto.
“Let’s start heading back,” I said, noting the time on my phone.
Ajay still looked troubled.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“What are you planning to tell your parents?”
I winced, looking away again.
“The truth.” I said, a little miserably. Judging by my attempt to stay in the closet with them, trying to hide something this big would probably backfire.
“Good luck,” he said, giving me another hug. I really hoped I wouldn’t need it.
The way back to campus was a lot easier than the way there. I remembered the route for one thing, and for another I could use my power to help me traverse difficult terrain. And to cover our tracks, of course. I wasn’t a complete idiot.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered if I’d be this close to someone on the Seattle Protectorate someday.