CELEBRITIES LIVE IN LONDON 2
At the Royal Albert Hall, the sequel to “Celebrities Live In London”, a variety sketch show was being prepared. A charity for Throat Cancer.
The show was to be hosted by Jack Whitehall, and produced by him and his father, Michael.
It was to be screened live on Channel 4, with an all star cast:
Including Jennifer Lawrence, Brie Larson, Emma Stone, Milla Jovovich, John Boyega, Daisy Ridley, Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Saoirse Ronan, Karen Gillan, Chloe Grace Moretz, Kate McKinnon, Ryan Reynolds, Jason Statham, Anna Kendrick, Eva Green, Josh Gad, Michael Cera, Jesse Eisenberg, Scarlett Johansson, Margot Robbie, Cara Delevingne, Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, Amanda Seyfried, Chris Hemsworth, Gwendoline Christie, Simon Pegg and…….
Samuel L. Jackson and Nicolas Cage!
“As if the Celebrities Live series wasn’t insane enough!” remarked Jack in an interview. “We have Nicolas fucking Cage!”
Nic Cage’s sketch involves his character really, really, REALLY, REEEEEEAAAAAALLLLYYYY needing to use the toilet. And him being stuck in a line for a very long time and he gets angry.
“It is a situation comedy,” Cage said in his interview. “It is the same style as Fawlty Towers and even the Marx Brothers. The key is to make my character a horrible person. The situation can only work if it were happening to an asshole. If it was happening to a nice guy, that’s not funny.”
“There was an animated series called Stressed Eric that did that and it was awful,” Jack added.
“Yeah, so this sketch is a message to horrible people,” said Cage.
“The message is ‘Don’t be a cunt’,” added Jack.
One person trying to interfere with the show is Ryan Reynolds’ famous character Deadpool.
“Good old Deadpool just wants to make himself the host of the show,” explained Ryan. “But that damn Whitehall keeps making him go away.”
“Well, I was thinking of getting Hugh Jackman to co-host with me,” added Jack with a grin.
Ryan was annoyed.
“You whore!” he said to Jack.
Speaking of whores, Margot Robbie and Cara Delevingne star in a sketch based on the adult anime series Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt. Which was about two foul mouthed angels that had been kicked out of Heaven, and as punishment, have to go to Daten City to fight ghosts, with turning their underwear into weapons.
Cara plays Panty, a whore, and Margot plays Stocking, a goth who loves sweets.
The angels live with their afro priest Garterbelt, played by Sam Jackson. Garter is a badass, but a bit disturbing.
“He likes them young,” said Sam, raising his eyebrows. “If you catch my drift.”
And of course where’s there’s Sam Jackson, there’s Brie Larson.
This sketch is a crossover with Scott Pilgrim Vs The World, where Brie played the sexy, but very evil diva Envy Adams.
“Envy and Panty hate each other,” explained Brie. “So Envy gets help from the Deamon sisters to trap the angels into a magic cube forever.”
The Deamon sisters are Scanty and Kneesocks, played by Olivia Wilde and Amanda Seyfried. Both of them wear white jackets, shorts skirts and have red skin. Scanty, played by Olivia, had green hair, and Kneesocks, played by Amanda has blue hair into a ponytail. The actresses had to spend 4 hours getting the makeup on.
“It is grueling,” explained Amanda. “But that’s the joys of being an actor.”
“This is why I’ve turned to directing,” added Olivia.
Milla Jovovich and Emma Stone were to be playing sisters, called Nadia and Saskia who have to fight demons.
“It is a delight to work with Emma and have her play my sister!” exclaimed Milla. “People say we look like each other.”
“I don’t have your cheekbones though,” added Emma.
“Well, I haven’t won an Oscar………...yet,” replied Milla with her fingers crossed. “Anyhoo, my character is the ‘seen it before’ type, and Emma is the rookie, and she is the sensible one.”
“What is the monster you’ll be fighting in this show?” asked the interviewer.
“Can’t tell you,” replied Milla and Emma. “But it’s VERY explicit.”
The Seven Deadly scenes feature the sins as people living together; Jason Statham plays Anger, a football hooligan.
Jesse Eisenberg as Greed, a wall street type.
Michael Cera as Sloth, a stoner.
Scarlett Johansson as Envy, a bitch.
Anna Kendrick as Lust, a pervert.
Eva Green as Vanity, a narcissist.
Josh Gad as Gluttony, a………. Well you know.
Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill play a gay couple. Just your average couple who argue a lot, but really love each other.
“In one of our sketches, Harrison will be taking Viagra,” explained Mark. “And all Hell will break loose.”
“That’s not all that will break loose!” remarked Harrison.
Saoirse Ronan and Kate McKinnon play two foul mouthed Irish woman who are rude to everyone.
“Just your average Irish people,” explained Saoirse. “The Irish slag you off to show you how much they like you.”
“And if Irish people make a racist remark,” explained Kate. “Then they’re just Liam Neeson.”
Megan Fox was playing Barbarella in a sketch where she saves a junkie girl from a gang of bullies.
“This is like the ‘Manners Maketh Man’ scene from Kingsman,” said Megan. “This sketch is an anti-bullying and anti-drug message.”
Karen Gillan plays the lead bully in this sketch.
“I play your typical angry Scottish lassie,” she explained. “She is basically like Begbie from Trainspotting, one of the scariest characters in movie history!”
Cara Delevingne, Brie Larson and Anna Kendrick have written a song called “Everyone is a miserable bastard”.
“We wrote the song because……. Well, it is obvious,” explained Cara.
“Yeah, even when you’re making a massive Marvel movie,” explained Brie. “You say to people ‘Good morning’ and they just snarl at you.”
“This is a song for all the miserable bastards out there, including ourselves,” explained Anna. “Everyone is an asshole, even the nice ones. Period.”
Finally, Jennifer Lawrence is in a sketch where is plays a woman who is into gardening.
“This is a spoof on gardening shows,” she explained. “We made my character like a really annoying TV presenter who talks to the audience as if they’re five. She also grows her own drugs and we get some interesting customers.”
After months of rehearsal, the show was ready to air that night on Channel 4.
The seats in the Royal Albert Hall were filled with people, and the cast backstage were nervous and ready to rock.
The cameras rolled and the show began!
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO ‘CELEBRITIES LIVE IN LONDON 2’!”
The audience cheered and applauded.
“AND HERE IS YOUR HOST…………………..ME!”
A spotlight hit the stage to reveal Deadpool in a chair.
“Hello,” he greeted the audience. “Whenever you rent or buy a video, you have to know that the film is suitable for the audience at home. This show has been rated 18…..”
There was a huge screen above the stage and the 18 certificate appeared on it.
“That means if there’s any children watching this show, I’m flattered. You’re watching your favourite superhero. Take that, Wolverine!”
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hold it!”
Jack Whitehall walked on stage not looking happy.
“Deadpool, what are you doing?”
“I’m doing the warning bit for the audience,” explained Deadpool.
“You’re not British,” said Jack. “You don’t understand our British film ratings.”
“Well us Canadians have the Queen on our notes,” replied Deadpool. “Anyway, Whiteballs, sharing is caring. Let us do the warning bit together.”
“Okay,” said Jack, who then turned to the audience. “This show has been rated 18 for very strong language, drugs and adult material.”
“In other words, it’s gonna be awesome,” replied Deadpool. “None of that 12 rated crap. But Britain, I have a bone to pick with you.”
“What’s wrong?” asked Jack.
“Your censors only gave my movie a 15, instead of an 18,” explained Deadpool. “I was very disappointed.”
“Well, Deadpool,” replied Jack. “You can have strong language, sex and violence in a 15 rated film, as long as it’s not graphic.”
“But what if this show gets a 15 instead?” asked a disappointed Deadpool.
“Well, there is a solution,” said Jack. “To get this show an 18, we have to say the C word 6 times.”
“6 times?” asked Deadpool.
“6 times,” answered Jack.
“Okay, let’s do it together,” said Deadpool. “Ready?”
“Okay,” said Jack.
“Canada!” cried Deadpool.
Jack looked at him confused.
“Well, Canada is a C word,” said Deadpool.
“No, I mean the bad C word,” explained Jack. “Y’know, the one used in Trainspotting 2 over and over.”
“Oh that one,” said Deadpool. “We should do that for Deadpool 3.”
“Ready?” asked Jack.
“Sure,” said Deadpool.
“Celebrity!” said Deadpool. “That’s a C word.”
“Oh for God’s sake, it’s cunt!” cried Jack.
“Jack!” cried Deadpool. “There are children watching.”
“It’s after 10 and they should be in bed,” said Jack. “When I was 10, I used to watch Eurotrash. And the stuff in that show really affected me. Tits, dicks and cunts everywhere.”
“That’s twice you’ve said it now,” replied Deadpool. “4 more to go.”
“Cunt, cunt, cunt…………,” said Jack. “Hey, Deadpool, describe Azealia Banks in one word.”
“CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!” cried Deadpool.
The audience applauded.
“Great, the show is an 18!” announced Jack.
“I have never been happier,” said Deadpool. “But in France, this will get a U rating, like everything EVER!”
U means suitable for all ages, by the way.
“But ladies and gents,” Jack told the audience. “If you thought this sketch was offensive, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Our next sketch is about pigeons living in London, starring Jennifer Lawrence, Brie Larson, Emma Stone, Anna Kendrick, Cara Delevingne, Daisy Ridley and Saoirse Ronan!”
The audience applauded as Jack and Deadpool walked off stage. The lights behind them showed a rooftop set.
Jennifer was wearing a pigeon costume and was cooing away. Emma, also dressed in a pigeon costume flew down to join her.
“Morning,” greeted Jennifer.
“Morning,” greeted Emma.
Emma sat beside Jen. Then Brie flew down in her costume.
She joined her friends. Then Saoirse and Anna flew down, dressed in costumes as well.
Finally Cara and Daisy, dressed in costumes too, joined in.
“How’s London treating you?” Emma asked Jen.
“Not bad,” replied Jen. “Cats tried to eat me again.”
“I’m allergic to cats,” said Brie. “Shame it isn’t the other way round.”
“That would be bliss,” said Daisy.
“Found any good rubbish to eat?” Cara asked them all.
“I went to a dumpster outside McDonalds, fucking amazing!” said Anna.
“I’m more of a KFC fan myself,” said Saoirse.
The other pigeons looked at her concerned.
“You do know that chickens are birds too,” said Jen.
“So?” asked Saoirse. “They taste good, and they’re cunts too so they deserve it.”
“They’re called ‘cocks’ for a reason,” said Daisy. “Do you remember that one cock that tried to hit on me?”
“Yeah, fucking twat,” said Cara.
“Speaking of twats, look!” Saoirse said as she pointed her wing at the ground. “Catherine’s being eaten by a cat!”
The pigeons all pointed and laughed.
“Serves her right!” said Jen. “She used to bully me.”
“What goes around, comes around,” added Emma.
“Well, that cat is getting a good feed,” said Saoirse. “But I’m fuckin’ starvin’!”
“Look, that man dropped some chips down below,” said Cara.
“Ere, youse dare me?” asked a crafty Saoirse.
“It’s your funeral,” said Brie.
“Right, I’m gonna get myself a chip!” announced Saoirse as she leapt off the roof and flew down.
The screen above the stage showed live action footage of an ordinary pigeon walking on the London street. Saoirse did her voice over.
“Oi, fat legs. Get outta me fuckin’ road. Oi, stop trying to trample me, ya fat cunt!”
The pigeon has made it to the chips (fires if you’re American), it lifts one, but a dog is after it.
“Oi, fuck off you doggy bastard!”
The pigeon managed to fly away.
The footage on the screen ends and Saoirse is back on stage holding onto a massive chip.
“I did it, girls!” she boasted.
“Give us a bite,” said Anna.
“Fuck off, get yer own, ya cunt!” snapped Saoirse.
“Well, I’m going over to Westminster and shit on some politicians,” said Jennifer. “Anybody coming?”
“Yeah,” answered the other pigeons as they followed her off the roof.
“I’ll be needing a massive shite after eating this chip,” said Saoirse.
As they left the stage, the lights turn off, but we do hear politicians yelling:
“Ugh, get off! Stop shitting on me! You evil bitches! This is disgusting!”
A spotlight shined on Jack as he walked over to the front of the stage. His suit was covered in pigeon shit.
“Bloody pigeons! Join us after the break, where I get a new suit and we have more outrageous sketches. See you in three.”
The audience applauded as Part 1 was over.