Tony doesn’t know how he gets into these situations so often but here he is, in the wrong universe. That’s the only explanation for this... discrepancy. He looks down at Bucky’s uh- fuck sakes, that thing can barely even be called a penis. “What’d we do on our first date?” he asks, sure that this is not something that happened over night. And if it is he needs to reverse this dick on steroids thing because Tony is frightened of what that will do to his ass.
Bucky frowns, confused with the sudden change of direction. “We uh... didn’t really have a fist date on account of deciding we’d probably look better out of clothes than in them,” he says, grinning.
On topic all things considered but come on, they had the same first date in two different universes? Improbable. “What’s my favorite color?” he asks, realizing too late that’s a dumb question. Even he knows this universe’s Tony prefers red too.
“Red?” Bucky asks, baffled at the question. Fair enough.
“On our third date you mentioned a conspiracy theory, what was it?” he asks, squinting. There’s no way that can be the same in both universes.
“Polybius?” Bucky asks and oh what the fuck? This is just ridiculous.
“Fine, whatever,” he mumbles, “ask me a question with an answer only I would know. Make it good, my questions sucked.”
Bucky squints, clearly confused. “Um. Okay, what’s the cat’s birthday?” he asks and who the fuck would even know something like that?
“In what universe would I know when the fucking cat’s birthday is? I don’t even remember my birthday most of the time,” he says. The cat’s birthday. Who has that information?
His answer at least results in Bucky looking as confused and suspicious as he is. “When’s your birthday?” he asks and Tony rolls his eyes.
“May seventh,” he says and Bucky squints.
“Its May twenty eighth,” he says, confused. “How do you not know your own birthday?”
Is it really? There’s no way, he’s been celebrating it on the seventh since forever though now that he thinks about it he used to celebrate it later in the month. Shit. “How old am I?” he asks, wondering if he has the year right too.
“You’re forty nine,” Bucky says and he’s what?
“I’m old!” he wails. “I’ve got one foot on a banana peel and another in the grave!” he yells. He thought he was forty five and that’s fucking pushing it okay he is not prepared to find out all those years of anguish over being old were for nothing because he’s basically dust!
“You’re not my Tony, are you?” Bucky asks and yeah, no.
“What clued you in?” he asks.
“My Tony never forgets a date, even the arbitrary ones like the cat’s birthday. I don’t actually know the answer to that but he would. What tipped you off?” he asks, realizing that Tony knew before he did.
“That,” Tony says, pointing at his dick, “is not my Bucky’s.”
Bucky smacks his palm to his forehead. “I guess some things are the same in all universes.”
Tony is so insulted when he gets back to his right spot Bucky didn’t even fucking notice he was gone. Turns out the cat sure as hell had, she didn’t like Other Tony, who seemed to clue in somewhat late that he wasn’t n the right universe.
“Oh come on, he’s just like you,” Bucky says in his own defense.
“When’s the cat’s birthday?” he asks Other Tony.
“August fifth,” he says easily and Tony squints, then turns to Bucky.
“Clearly he isn’t fucking me, I don’t know that shit because who the fuck knows their cat’s birthday? You didn’t even notice I was gone?” he asks. “And who was going to tell me my birthday is on May twenty eighth? Or that I’m forty fucking nine! Fuck you guys, you’re all horrible!”
“Wait, you don’t know your birthday or your age?” Other Tony asks, frowning.
“No. We’ve all been watching him celebrate the wrong birth date for the last six years wondering when he’ll clue in, but its kind of funny so we leave it,” Bucky says.
Oh so they did do this on purpose. He needs new friends. He should date Steve, he’s probably too much of a boy scout to pull this shit with him. And it doubles as good revenge on Bucky. Now he’s out a boyfriend and a best friend.
Other Tony looks at him like he’s stupid before shaking his head. “Did my Bucky notice the difference?” he asks.
Tony so wants to say no but that’s technically not true so he goes for Maximum Damage in a different way because he refuses to be the only Tony to suffer god damnit. “Not until we almost slept together,” he tells Other Tony, who makes an offended noise at the same time Bucky does.
“You cheated on me?” he asks, hurt.
“You fucker, I at least realized he wasn’t you, you didn’t even fucking notice and lets not act like you didn’t kiss the other me at least once asshole. Payback’s a bitch.”
“So he did realize you weren’t me?” Other Tony asks and Tony shrugs.
“Couldn’t remember when the cat’s birthday was, apparently you’re a freak who remembers shit like that.”
Other Tony looks more touched than he should because hello, his Bucky totally cheated on him. “I didn't think he remembered things like that about me anymore,” he murmurs and Bucky frowns.
“What do you mean?”
“Marital problems, really?” he asks and Other Tony frowns.
“Wait, how’d you figure out you were in the wrong universe anyway? I’m guessing the ring, but everything here is the same except Bucky seemed to actually care about me, which was kind of weird, but he does that sometimes so I didn’t pay attention to it,” he says.
The ring? Shit, yeah, Bucky had been wearing a ring now that he thinks about it. Um. Okay, oops. “No uh... his dick is huge,” Tony says and his Bucky gives him an offended look.
“Are you saying I have a small dick?” he asks and Tony rolls his eyes.
“No, you don’t get it. This thing was clearly the results of freak government experiments, that shit wasn’t right. You have a normal dick, one that doesn’t make me fear for my colon. I have never felt that body part shiver in fear until I saw that freak dick coming at me and I knew I wasn’t in the right place.” He turns to Other Tony, “you put that thing inside you? I think the notion of hubris is stupid and usually used as an excuse to hold people back but you have too much of it if you go around putting that thing anywhere near your asshole,” he says, waving a hand around.
Bucky looks surprised at this and he damn well should be. Thank fuck he got the Bucky with a normal dick. Maybe in this universe Steve has the Monster Cock, he doesn’t know and he doesn’t care to know.
“Absolutely not, I value my colon. I top,” Other Tony says, finally having some damn sense. Maybe he memorizes cat’s birthdays like a dumbass but at least he’s normal in some other aspect of life.
“Great. Fuck off to your own freak universe where I guess you have marriage problems and take Bucky to see someone about his dick. I’m serious, I’m not sure that’s normal,” he says.
“The guy has a big dick, that’s not a medical problem,” Other Tony says, rolling his eyes.
“If you try and stick that thing in an orifice it will be. Back to your own universe and then to a doctor,” he says, making a shooing motion at himself.
Alright, Steve shouldn’t laugh but when Sam told him he couldn’t help it. Clearly Rhodey is in the same boat because he’s wheezing hard as he doubles over and Bucky looks offended. “So this Bucky has a pencil dick?” he he asks, words barely even making it out of his mouth. Bucky gives him an even more offended look and Sam grins in obvious glee. Steve elbows him because that’s rude. There's no need to poke fun at Bucky though he should have guessed that was Sam’s motivation.
“He does not,” Tony says, “his dick is normal. Its his freak counterpart that’s the weird one. Seriously, that thing looked like it was lopped off the Hulk and grafted to his body and somehow turned peach. I am more than happy with my Bucky’s dick thank you. I’m not concerned about medical issues with it, it's fine. Perfectly adequate, Its the fact that he didn’t even notice I was gone that’s the problem,” he says, giving Bucky a look.
Sam neglected to tell him that! “Buck!” Steve says, horrified. “How is it possible that you didn’t know Tony was another Tony!”
Bucky throws his hands up, “oh I have a freak dick in another universe, and I’m emotionally distant in another universe, and I can’t tell Tony apart from a Tony that’s exactly the same as him except he remembers dates and knows his fucking birthday. Come on, how was I supposed to know?” he asks.
“Oh, freak dick you also has the emotional range of a teaspoon? Not surprising,” Sam says and Steve gives him another look. Sam shrugs, unrepentant.
Rhodey lets out a loud shriek of laughter, “oh my god the other Tony knows how old he is? That’s the difference? That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard! I can’t believe the difference between you and other you is that he’s not a total dunce!” Rhodey says, clapping.
Tony flips him off, “who remembers how old they are anyway?” he mumbles. Literally everyone but him, Steve wants to say, but he leaves it.