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we can all do May

Chapter Text

Agent Melinda May (Level 1, first summer out of SHIELD Academy) wanted to be a licensed pilot by the time she turned 25.

She was 24 and a half.

She knew it was childish to count like that but she was getting frustrated. Not only was her ambition not taken seriously, but any instructor who was willing to train her had no patience for her arbitrary deadline.

It took at least three years for a pilot to get trained and certified, they said.

Carol Danvers said she could make a pilot out of her in three months. But only if she busted her ass and listened.

Melinda was under the (ridiculous) impression that SHIELD training ended once you graduated academy. She found the lessons tedious, so on the days where Agent Hand left her unit in the hands of agents far less observant, Melinda would sneak off and meet Captain Danvers for flight lessons.

It took three weeks in the simulator and eight in the air before she was ready to take her test.

Agent Hand was pissed, but said nothing further when May’s results came in and she passed with flying colors.

Director Fury was solemn as usual when he handed her her pilot’s wings, but May could have sworn she saw amusement flicker in his eyes when he looked at Captain Danvers.

She would try to ask Fury and Danvers about that later, but neither of them ever gave her an answer.

Agent May had to whisk a team out to Morocco at five in the morning.

As she picked up her duffel bag she noticed a note hidden in one of the side pockets.

“Good luck out there May. And happy birthday” – Carol Danvers, Ace Pilot Instructor

Chapter Text

“You are Agent May of SHIELD, correct?”

Melinda was awestruck by the God of Thunder. He was taller and even more beautiful in person.

She couldn’t talk to him yet, not when she was so afraid that whatever she tried to say to him might come out as a squeak. And who the hell wants to embarrass themself in front of an Asgardian?

She nodded numbly.

Thor smiled.

“Lady Sif has told me much about you. She said you were, and I quote, ‘quite admirable’. That’s basically her way of calling someone the best person she’s ever met, ever. Even she never described me as quite admirable, just simply…admirable.”

He took a look at her face and stopped rambling, smiling shyly now.

“I’m sorry. She also mentioned you are quite reserved. I’ll stop talking if it bothers you.”

Melinda took a step closer to him and smiled softly.

“It doesn’t.”

 Thor was a little bit dorkier than she expected and not dumb, but…humble. Down to earth, or at least more than she thought the demi-god Avenger would be. And she loved it.

He seemed to love something about her too as he floated into her personal space, stretching an arm down to brush a lock of her hair.

“The Lady Sif also said you were beautiful. But even that does not do you justice.”

“Sif talks about me that much?”

“Well statistically speaking, Sif doesn’t talk much at all. But if anyone is worth it, Lady May, it would be you.”

“Just May is fine. Would you like to…talk more over a drink?”

She peeked up at his face and was relieved to find Thor beaming.

“Sure. But I should warn you I can handle large amounts of alcohol quite well.”

She raised a challenging brow.

“So can I.”

Chapter Text

Few things could surprise Tony Stark.

He made sure he had either Jarvis or a hired team to make sure of this, and whatever managed to slip through the cracks and surprise him anyway typically rolled off his shoulders until it was pawned off to someone else.

He was expecting a check in from SHIELD today. He was not expecting the agent that showed up in place of Coulson.

The elevator dinged and before she could step off the platform he yelled, “Security bre – you’re not Agent.”

She took a step inside the penthouse and crossed her arms. Objectively she was very pretty, gorgeous even. She was in what he guessed was standard-issue SHIELD clothing: all black, eagle patch on the arm, impressively tight black pants (he wasn’t sure if that was part of the uniform or a personal choice, but he approved), heeled leather boots that were definitely not standard issue. All of that in a five-foot-nothing frame haloed in dark hair and almond eyes and a heart shaped mouth currently set in an unamused glare.

“Coulson called in sick. As his partner I was sent to monitor you in his place.”

Really? He seems like the type to never use his vacation days.”

That was two surprises for today.

“I just need to take an inventory of the property for contraband technology”, she continued without hearing him. “It shouldn’t take long.”

She looked like she could kick his ass if she wanted to.

“Do you wanna come inside, Agent Not Agent? You won’t monitor much from there.”

She reluctantly stepped into the loft and began to sweep the area. He followed her around as she swept the perimeter looking for tech that was safely hidden away.

“Coulson never told me he had a partner. Maybe if you showed up last time I would’ve been more receptive.”

She didn’t spare him a glance.

“You’re a tough crowd, huh?”

Agent Not Agent narrowed her alluring brown eyes at him now.

“Babysitting Tony Stark was not at the top of my to-do list. I’m sure both of us wish Coulson was here instead.”

“Not me, no. Not in the slightest,” he cleared his throat. “Do you have a first name, Agent Not Agent? Or a last one?”

“I do.”

That seemed to be all she was going to say.

“…Okay. Can you…tell me what it is?”


A straight answer this time. Progress.

“So you said you’re Coulson’s partner - ?”

“Not in the way you’re thinking.”

“So you’re single?”

She sighed and seemed to give up indulging him at all.

“The check’s done. Agent Coulson will be back in two weeks.”

Her heels clacked up the marble steps back to the penthouse entrance.

“Wait, come on. Not even a name? Or a phone number. Relationship status? These are things I need to know, Agent! I can call Fury right now and he’ll tell me.”

“No he won’t.”

True. Fury hated talking to people more than this strange lovely woman did. He especially hated dealing with Tony.

The elevator doors closed. Tony sighed. He noticed something on the floor.

It was a small pocketbook with a SHIELD badge inside.

Melinda Q May, Level 7 field operative of Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division

“Wow. That’s what SHIELD stands for?”

There are several things that surprised Tony Stark that day: the tiny enigma known as Melinda Q May, and the fact that someone in the organization had really wanted their initials to spell shield.

Chapter Text

She was a force to be reckoned with.

People say that, right? Like…that is an actual thing that people say to describe someone awesome?


Because that’s my girlfriend. And I don’t even mean that in a super sappy way (she would hate that), but yeah, my girlfriend Mel is pretty badass.

Remember that sick move I pulled with those goons on the freeway where I took them all out with twelve bullets? She did it with five.

The rest she destroyed with her (super rockin) body. Her lips are moving right now. I think she’s talking to me. She wants me to do something….



She just shielded me from a fucking bullet, you guys.

“What the hell were you thinking?! I said we were under attack!”

“Oh. Um…didn’t hear it, babe, I’m sorry.”

She cocks her head. (She’s still on top of me by the way, even though she just shot the last Nazi goon in the face.)

“Were you doing that stupid thing where you narrate everything to an imaginary audience in your head?”


“Uhhh no?”

She sighs. A few strands of her hair tickle the side of my face.

“We’re lucky neither one of us got shot. Let’s go.”

“Lead the way, Xena.”

She rolls her eyes.

“You have got to find a newer reference.”

We roll over and get up at the same time.

“But I feel like no other duo describes our relationship more than Xena and Gabrielle.”

I try to hold her hand and she lets me, curling her small fingers around my suit.

“You talk too much, Gabrielle.”

“You talk too little, Xena.”

And then she laughs, and I ended the story right there because I knew we were about to have some super hot sex that would be unsuitable for people under 18 to see.


Chapter Text

They were stationed in Sokovia.

The gunfire hadn’t reached her campsite yet but explosions could be heard going off and Melinda knew it was only a matter of time before they got here.

Coms were dead and her quinjet was parked in a remote location in the mountains. She would have to drive directly through enemy fire to get to it.

“Need a ride?” Melinda pulled her gun and looked around for the voice, but she couldn’t see anyone else with her in the clearing. Until she looked up.

“Steve told me we had a man on the ground surrounded in enemy territory. And while you obviously aren’t a man, you look like you could use a lift.”

Sam’s wings were impressive. Melinda knew they were made with some of Stark’s savviest technology but seeing them up close was different.

The man hovering above her on said wings wasn’t so bad looking either.

“I have a quinjet hidden in the mountains past the bridge. I’ll fly us both the hell out of here if you take me to it.”

“Say no more, Agent May. There’s not exactly a seatbelt on this thing so we’re gonna have to cling pretty tight. Is that okay?”

“Yeah”, she nodded, “it’s fine.”

Sam landed on the ground and gently circled his arms around her waist. She locked her fingers inside his and took a deep breath. Flying a plane was not the same thing as actually flying through the air. Sam noticed her discomfort and squeezed his arms around her tighter.

“You can close your eyes if it helps.” His voice was low and soothing in her ear. Melinda shook her head.

“I’ll be fine.”

If Sam still doubted Melinda he didn’t show it, and a moment later he powered up his wings and took the two of them through the mountains. He flew high enough to avoid the gun shots and explosions of down below, but low enough to keep his passenger from getting altitude sick.

He saw the quinjet parked expertly inside a little nook in the mountains and flew them right next to it.

 As soon as their feet touched the ground she lifted the hood and ushered him inside.

He took a seat in the copilot’s chair and watched with awe as Melinda slipped back into her element, placing her headset on and preparing the jet for takeoff with ease.

They were up in the air in minutes, and Sam knew she saw him staring out the corner of her eye when she glanced up at him and smirked.

“This one does come with seatbelts, but if we’re anything but smooth sailing you have permission to parachute us out of here.”

Turns out they didn’t need seatbelts for that ride, either.

Chapter Text

Melinda was nursing a shot of whiskey in a bar that used to double as a SHIELD safehouse.

It was taken by the government when the team went to space and abandoned again after half the universe disappeared.

She didn’t look up when the door opened.

Nat sat next to her without a word and stole the bottle from her lips.

“No use for shot glasses at the end of the world.”

Melinda nodded. Without looking up still she commented, “You changed your hair.”

“Yeah. Do you like it?”

Melinda stared at Nat’s platinum blonde bob.


Nat strangled out a laugh that strangely sounded like cry for help.

“I can always count on you to tell me the truth, Mel.”

Melinda heard the words for what they really were: I can always count on you, Mel.

She steals the bottle back from Natasha while the other woman leans her back against the counter.

“The Black Widow and the Cavalry”, Natasha said, “calm even in the face of the apocalypse.”

Melinda snorted at that. “It would be nice to feel nothing like they said we did.”


They pass the bottle back and forth until it empties, gradually leaning closer towards each other with each passing swallow.

When they drank all the whiskey Natasha tried to drop it on the wooden floor, but Melinda held her wrist before she could.

“Just let me drop it, Mel. There’s no one left to clean it up.” Natasha had tried to make the sentence sound like a dare, but the alcohol in her system wasn’t allowing her to hide anymore and her voice came out broken and shallow to her own ears.

Melinda’s brown eyes found hers, hazy and slightly unfocused, but steady. Warm.

“We’re here, Nat. We’re here.”

It was like a dam broke inside of Natasha. She leaned her head against Melinda’s shoulders and sobbed for everyone they lost, for the people left behind.

Natasha couldn’t hear her, but she knew Melinda was crying on her shoulder, too.

Chapter Text

She returned to the base two days after it happened.

The night of Phil’s death she’d just wanted to be alone and wallow in solitude, as pathetic as it sounds.

She’d told the team as soon as it happened, though.

She and Daisy cried on the phone together for felt like – what probably was hours.

Daisy offered to stay on the phone with her until morning, maybe do a video chat along the way.

She said no.

She said to send a quinjet to pick them up in the morning (they still wanted Phil to have a proper SHIELD burial, even though there wasn’t a proper SHIELD to go back to, yet.) But for the right now it was best for the team to grieve alone.

She doesn’t ask about Fitz; if there was any information to tell regarding their search, Daisy would have told her already.

Davis steps off the quinjet the next morning and offers to carry the body.

This time, she accepts the help, but only on the condition she fly them back to the Lighthouse.

Melinda takes one last glance at their Tahiti cabin.

Phil lasted 196 days on this island, and she was right by side the whole time.

Nearly seven months.

They had gotten more time than they thought they would, really. But thinking of all the days she would have to spend soldering on without him, continuing as the Cavalry, 196 days would never be enough.

Chapter Text

“Dude, there’s gotta be some kind of mistake here.”

“For the last time, Eleanor, The Good Place doesn’t make mistakes.”

Eleanor rolled her eyes and scoffed.

“Oh really? So it’s possible to have two soulmates that I have nothing in common with? Look Michael, I can barely handle being around a singular person that’s hotter and way better than me.  But two? How exactly is this ‘good’ for me?”

Michael sighed. It was attempt number….oh dear, he couldn’t even remember at this point, and he was clearly running out of ideas. He thought that if he tweaked the pairings just a little, and kept Chidi and Eleanor the fork away from each other than maybe, maybe, this reboot just might have a fighting chance.

But, as usual, the blond trashbag in front of him asked too many questions, and it was getting really hard to keep up the ‘nice architect guy and not literal-demon-sent-to-destroy-all-your-puny-hopes-and-dreams vibe.

Luckily Eleanor blabbered on, completely unaware of his nefarious intent.

“I mean don’t get me wrong, they are hot. Melinda’s got this whole sexy brooding vibe going and Tahani has legs for days but seriously, we’ve tried talking and none of us like each other.”

That’s it. That’s how they torture each other! Oh, it’s brilliant!

Michael put on his best imitation of a sympathetic face and patted Eleanor’s hand.

“And I’m sure you’ll figure it out, dear. We’re all rooting for you.”

No we sure as heck are not!

“Now if you’ll excuse me, Eleanor I must be off, there’s um…architect business I must attend to at once.”

Michael vanished from thin air and left the three women in their house alone.

A loud, obnoxiously British voice came running over to where he stood. “Was that Michael? Where on earth did he go?”

Eleanor sighed. “He left us alone, babe. It’s just us and that hot broody lady over there.”

“Oh that’s disappointing. Not that I ever judge anyone on first appearances, but that Melinda is quite frightening. I tried to boop her on the nose this morning and she threatened to rip my finger off!”

Melinda was reading a book and drinking tea. Every so often she would look up and silently dare the two of them to try to join her on the couch.

Eleanor leaned her back against the counter as they both stared at their soulmate.

“Dang. Now that’s something I wanna see.”

Tahani’s eyes bugged out of her head and Eleanor added, “No offense to your finger or anything.”

Tahani pouted melodramatically. “This is simply a conundrum.”

“Hey”, Eleanor poked Tahani on one of her freakishly long arms. “I dare you to go over there and talk to her.”

Me?! Not a chance, Melinda already hates me!”

“Yeah, that’s why it’d be funny.”

“I can hear you talking over there.” Melinda spoke for the first time, not looking up from her book. Her voice was smooth and lilted and…amused? Was she forking with them?

“It wasn’t me”, said Eleanor. Tahani cleared her throat. “We were just…um…”

“You don’t have to lie.”

The two of them stopped talking. She stood up from the couch.

“I’m going to bed. I’m calling the big room.”

“Um before we bid you goodnight, Miss Melinda, did you have any…ground rules you wanted to share?”

Tahani shrank back after asking her question and Melinda smiled.

“Yes. Never touch me without my permission…and don’t drink my tea. Goodnight.”

Eleanor and Tahani looked at each other as Melinda climbed the stairs (wait, there are STAIRS?!) to her new room.

Maybe getting along with each other wouldn’t be so hard after all. She was totally still scary and Tahani was completely annoying, but they could still make it work. Right?

Chapter Text

Captain Holt emerged from his office with a short Asian woman wearing aviator glasses at his side.

“Attention everyone. There’s a new detective I’d like to welcome to the nine-nine today. Her name is Melinda May. She transferred over from Vice Los Angeles last night. Please give her a warm welcome. That’s all.”

May made no moves to introduce herself to anyone, instead settling into an empty desk by the copier and getting started with her work.

Jake walked up to Boyle and Santiago.

“She’s from Vice LA, guys. I bet she’s badass.”

“Jake are you kidding?!”, Boyle said. “She’s wearing aviators in doors. Of course she’s badass!”

“Man, I’d give anything to do something so cool. Wonder why she gave it all up and came here.”

“Maybe she’s cray cray, like Pimento”, Amy whispered.

Jake blinked. “Did you just say cray cray? It sounded so weird coming from your mouth and honestly, Amy, it kinda turned me on.”

Rosa walked up the gang. “What are you guys talking about?”

Jake and Amy were about to yell “nothing” at the same time and awkwardly stare at the coffee stain on Boyle’s desk when Boyle said, “Jake gets turned on by Amy calling people crazy.”

 “Gross”, Rosa replied. “Anyway, what do you guys think of the new detective? I think she’s hot.”

Amy cringed. “Rosa, are you sure you wanna get involved with another person who transferred out of Vice? It didn’t well last time.”

“I know that, Santiago, I was there. Besides this woman seems, emotionally stable. I think I’m gonna go for it.”

“Buddy, if she was emotionally stable then you wouldn’t be attracted to her.” Jake hid behind Amy and waited for Rosa to hit him.

“Shut up, Jake. And screw all of you. I’m gonna go ask her out.”

Rosa left them to go to May’s desk and was back in less than 30 seconds.

“She said yes. We’re dating now. In all of your faces.”

Amy glanced over at May’s computer screen and was shocked to see her on Facebook. The corners of her mouth formed as smile as she silently changed her relationship status from ‘Single’ to ‘In a Relationship’.

Chapter Text

She orders herself a shot and glares daggers at anyone dumb enough to approach her.

She was there for a job, nothing more.

Except this one was personal. Klaus Mikaelson, the infamous hybrid of New Orleans, set fire to an entire town in the late 90’s to clean up one of his killing sprees. Found amongst the wreckage was the brunt corpse of her seven year old daughter, Skye.

So when his father Mikael hired her to rid the earth of his wretched son once and for all, Melinda felt all but compelled to say yes.

She was dressed to blend in, a sleeveless band t-shirt stolen from an ex-girlfriend hanging loosely on her shoulders. Tight, formfitting black jeans and flat-footed combat boots.

She’d neglected to wear a bra.

The few men that did try to approach her were sent on their merry way with a shard of glass in whatever area they’d tried to touch her.

It took more time than she liked, but eventually they stopped trying to touch her.

He approaches her one day after watching her knock a handsy asshole’s head on the counter from his spot in the shadows.

He pulls up a stool without a fear and sips his bourbon. She glares back at him and he smiles arrogantly.

“I don’t think we’ve met, have we, love?”

She shakes her head, knowing it’s a lie.

“I’d thought not. A woman like you is hard to forget, and I’ve met many women.”

Her daughter Skye would have been a woman by now, if not for him.

“You’re not afraid of me.”

Klaus shakes his head. “I’m afraid of nothing, as you seem to be.” His hand slides up her knee and she allows it, learning her body towards his. The white oak stake burns in her jacket pocket.

When she kisses him his lips are soft, and not entirely unpleasant. He sucks at her bottom lip when she comes up for air. “All the times I’ve seen you in this shite establishment, and I don’t even know your name. A tragedy.”

She moaned. “Sorry, sweetheart. I don’t kiss and tell.”

She shoves the stake in the place a heart should be and watches in satisfaction as his eyes glaze over, surprise forever etched on his ghastly features. His body falls to the ground and she pulls out a lighter. For Skye.

The flames reflect in the black of her shades as she rides her Harley away from the scene. The filthy bar and its most bloodthirsty, murderous patron are no more.

Chapter Text

The Ant Man and the Wasp and the Cavalry were in the middle of a very heated game of Uno.

That sounds of the intro of a joke, Scott knows, but after an entire whisper-convo with Melinda, whose lap she was comfortably snuggled on, Cassie decided to hit him with another draw 4 card, and she changed the color to red, which, thanks to Hope’s last play, they all knew he didn’t have.

Scott sighed. “Really, peanut? Whose side are you on here?”

Cassie giggled playfully and Scott couldn’t even pretend to be mad at her.

Hope snickers from her spot on the couch. “Not yours, apparently.”

Cassie shrugged. “You shouldn’t have skipped Mel.”

Melinda smirks at him and high fives Cass on a job well done.

“Honey that was five turns ago!” Neither of them is sure who exactly Scott is talking to and it makes them laugh harder.

Hope just shakes her head. “Meanwhile…”

She places a skip and draw 2 on the rug and Melinda scowls.

“Ha!”, Scott laughs. “Cosmic karma, I love it.”

She turns to Cassie. “What’s the next move baby?”

Cass thinks for a moment. “Sorry Mel. Hope’s got you beat.”

Melinda scoffs, but there’s only fondness in her tone. “Traitor.”

Cassie sighs and leans dramatically into Melinda’s arms, which automatically start smoothing her hair.

“This is getting too intense for me guys. I think I have to sustain myself.”

Hope chuckles and Scott and Mel can’t hold back their smiles.

“You mean abstain?”

Cassie yawns. “’S’what I said.”

Scott leans over his daughter and kisses her head. “Go to sleep, peanut. We got this.”

“Okay”, Cass whispers, nodding off to sleep, “don’t kill each other.”

Hope grins and whispers back.

“No promises.”

Chapter Text

Domino tied her curly hair in a bun.

“I’m gonna jump into the river,” she said. “You coming Wade?”

“Uh…yeah. Yeah of course Doms. I just gotta, you know, put on sunscreen. Not all of us are immune to sunburns.”

She gave him a funny look. “Black people aren’t immune to sunburns, Wade.”

“No! I know! I know that. I just…gotta do something first. I’ll catch up with you though.”

Her brows furrowed for a second and she shrugged it off. “Okay. I’ll meet you guys down there.”

She turned her back to him and walked up the cliff’s edge. She turned around and caught his eye and waved.

Wade gave her a thumbs up.

“I’m right behind you, sweetie,” he told her.

Domino smiled back then did a perfect backflip into the river.

Lucky, as always.

It wouldn’t take her long before she wondered what his holdup was, and uh, that would be bad.

“You can’t swim, can you?”

She snuck up behind him like a ghost and he squeezed the sunscreen bottle. He squinted as lotion landed on his eye.

“What makes you say that, Melinda? Because it’s not true. Whatever made you say what you just said…it’s a lie.”

She crossed her arms. He folds.

“Fine, I can’t swim, alright? You caught me.  Now go, join Dom, have your girl time. Make fun of what a loser I am. There’s a lot of options for you right now, I’m kind of jealous.”

She uncrosses her arms and comes closer.

“I’m not here to make fun of you, Wade. I wanted to teach you.”

Wade stared at his girlfriend, feeling gratified. “You want to teach me how to swim?”

She smiled at him and nodded. “Can I?”

He reaches down to hug her, feeling choked up.

“Hell yeah. As soon as I dive in.”

She scrunches her face. “Most people learn to swim before they try diving into deep water.”

“Yeah but what came first: the chicken or the egg?”

“That metaphor doesn’t even make sense in this situation. Neither does you diving into water you won't be able to swim in!

“Hello?!” Domino calls from below. “What’s taking you guys so long? Also did you guys know this lake is freshwater? We can fill our canteens here, which is super lucky because I drunk all my water on the way here.”

“We’re on our way down Doms,” Melinda said.

They jumped into the water together, and as luck would have it, Domino was too busy filling their canteens to see Melinda save Wade’s ass from drowning the moment they got there.

Chapter Text

Melinda’s brows were etched into a V.

Bobbi tried unsuccessfully to hold back a smile. “You’re gonna strain your muscles if you keep glaring like that, babe. It isn’t healthy.”

Her face didn’t change.

Bobbi snickered.

“You know, maybe if you asked me nicely I’d willing to give you what you want.”

Still, Melinda glared.

“Or not. It’s your call.”

Melinda fumed. “I can just kick your shins and make you bend over.”

Bobbi laughed. “You could do that. But then that would start a fight and we’d be at it for hours.”

They both knew they could never back down from a challenge. It was their greatest flaw, and the reason they worked out so well as a couple.

“Mel,” Bobbi’s voice turned gentle, “Just say you want me to bend down so you can kiss me.”

Melinda’s glare lessened and she pouted. “It’s embarrassing.”

Bobbi brushed a lock of her girlfriend’s hair. “No, it isn’t. You have nothing to prove to me. You already got me, remember? Besides, I know you secretly love being the little spoon.”

Melinda tried to object but Bobbi stopped her with a raised eyebrow.

“It’s okay, Melinda.”

Melinda sighed. “Can you….can you please…”, she trailed off and Bobbi waited with a smile.

Melinda glared again as she realized her girlfriend wouldn’t make things easy for her, so she started again in a rush.

“Can you please bend down so I can kiss that smug grin off your stupid sexy face.”

“Well, since you asked so nicely….”

Bobbi leaned down and Melinda caught her in a ferocious kiss, finally dragging her down to where she could reach. Her fingers tugged on Bobbi’s blonde locks and she moaned. Melinda growled and led them to the couch, where she punish her girlfriend once and for all with her talented tongue.

Bobbi grinned. Here was a style of torture she was totally fine with.

Chapter Text

“Melinda May. You are in The Bad Place. Would you like to know why?”

Melinda shook her head. She couldn’t lie and pretend that she always believed in the concept of heaven and hell during her time alive, but if there was one thing she was certain of, it’s that she didn’t belong in the good place. She couldn’t, not after –

“Oh dear. You think I’m talking about Bahrain, don’t you?”

Melinda looked up, confusion evident on her features. “Why else would I be here?”

“Oh Melinda…” Michael shook his head and chuckled. “No dear. I-I know you feel bad about it, but killing that girl saved hundreds of lives. Your actions in Bahrain actually gave you 50 points, with around 5 or so each year as sort of a…compensation, if you will, for the trauma you suffered afterwards. You are not here because of Bahrain.”

Melinda blinked and leaned back in her seat. “Okay. Why am I in the Bad Place, then?”

Michael cleared his throat. “Well, do you remember that prank you pulled on John Garrett back in the academy? The one that resulted in him being the laughing stock of Shield?”

She gaped at him.  “That’s it? I’m in hell for playing an amateur prank on a chauvinist dick that turned out to be a Nazi?”

“This isn’t hell, but yes. Also, the other pranks you pulled, including telling Phil Coulson that Captain America would want Phil to watch him in his sleep like a creeper. He didn’t. He thought Coulson was weird after that.”

She shook her head. “I can’t believe this. Out of all the things I’ve done, this is what I go down for. If you want my opinion, this place is a joke.”

“I don’t, but if it makes you feel better, Grant Ward and John Garrett are currently getting their insides turned to mush and redistributed into cat food.”

It did make her feel slightly better.

“I just feel bad for the cats.”

Michael laughed. “Oh, the cat food isn’t for cats. It’s for kraken-like creatures who go on wacky galactic adventures with iconic female superheroes in major comic franchises.”

Melinda smirked. “They would hate that.”

“I know! But anyways, there was something I needed you to help me with concerning the three losers who are here with you. They don’t know that is the Bad Place, I need to help me keep them in line.”

“How would helping you torture these people torture me?”

“Because you hate helping people.”

She nodded. He had a point.

Michael clapped his hands in excitement. “Right then! So it’s settled. Torture buddies?”

Melinda rolled her eyes. This guy was incredibly obnoxious, and she would have to spend the rest of eternity playing a giant prank with him on the poor schmucks who thought they’d made it to the Good Place.

She sighed. “I hate this already.”

Michael beamed. “That’s the spirit!”

Chapter Text

Peter had two aunts named May.

It happened in a super weird, almost Lifetime-movie-ish way. No wait – Lifetime is the one where the ex goes crazy or there’s like, a murderous stalker who’s obsessed with the main character and murders anyone he thinks isn’t good enough for her…no wait – that’s that new Netflix show.

Well, anyway, Peter Parker had two aunts, they were both named May (Aunt Melinda was always called by her first name in the house, though most people outside the family just knew her as May or Agent May).

Peter’s life was practically a superspy flick these days, which leads us back to his two Aunt Mays.

After Nick Fury showed up in his room telling Peter to pack a bag for Italy, a woman who introduced herself as Agent last-name May met Peter and Aunt first-name May at JFK the next morning.

She was a pilot, and she was here to take Peter to meet with Fury as part of his next mission. Fury told them over FaceTime (it took Peter 10 minutes of non-stop calls to get Fury to vid-chat, mumbling something about how kids never want to have a normal conversation anymore, they always have to do a damn video) that May was one of the best agents he had, and he completely trusted her to fly Peter safely to their meeting point.

“Huh”, Aunt May said. “That man never trusts anyone.”

Agent May smirked. “It took him twenty years to trust me.”

Aunt May smiled back. “You must be really good at what you do.”

Agent May looked down almost shyly before she got back to business. “I’ll have Peter call you as soon as we land.”

Aunt May nodded. “Great.” She cleared her throat and smiled at Agent May again. “Maybe, once everything is settled and you’re back in the neighborhood, I could call you, and we could…do lunch?”

Agent May’s face didn’t change that much, but the corners of her lips arched up and her eyes lit up with eagerness. “I’d like that.”

“Great. Its kind of weird to meet someone with the same name, even though we don’t technically have the same name…I’m sorry, did any of that make sense?”

“It did.” Agent May smiled for real this time. “And both of you can call me ‘Melinda’, if you want. It might avoid some confusion.”

Peter stepped eagerly between the two Mays. “We need to have a codename for you guys. What about…May Squared?”

“Why would we even need a codename, Peter?” Aunt May asked.

“Because you guys like each other and we need a way to talk about you as a couple. And it sounds cool.”

Aunt May rolled her eyes. Agent May gave him a tiny smile. Peter took that as a yes.

“Cool. May Squared. I ship it, guys.”

Chapter Text

She really hated going to these things.

Her shoes were impractical as hell, stupid silver things with straps that crisscrossed all the way up her calves.

The actual dress wasn’t metallic this time, thank god, but the bright red frock Melinda was wearing made it hard to blend into the background.

Mack said he needed her there with him, Elena, and some of their recruits. Since Coulson was gone, hers was the only familiar face to the outside world since SHIELD’s rebirth eight months ago.

Half of the Avengers knew her by first name basis, and the other half knew of the legends surrounding her name, as both the Cavalry and the one who stood by Phil Coulson until he took his last breath. To them, she represented the old SHIELD, and they would trust her more easily than if Mack came alone.

Melinda could see past the bullshit and knew Mack was just trying to make her get out more. There was maybe some unspoken agreement between him and Coulson that wouldn’t allow her to shut down the way she did after Bahrain.

They weren’t that surprised to hear he’d survived Loki’s staff. Leaving out the more disturbing details, the Avengers had assumed that Phil’s death was somewhat of a ruse by Fury, who conveniently let his best man walk into a battle he knew he couldn’t win in effort to get them to fight.

They didn’t need to know the truth.

The Avengers were told that Phil’s second death, his real death, happened in a similar fashion, except this time, they won the fight. Just not without consequences.

“I don’t know why Stark bothers with these things anymore “, a voice next to her said. “Anyone who still wants to help us is either dead or a galaxy away.”

Melinda chuckled without humor at that, thinking of Daisy and Simmons and their so far fruitless search for Fitz in deep space. She looked up to find herself staring into the sad blue eyes of Steve Rogers.

“Yeah”, she said. An unexpected amount of air forced itself into her lungs, making it hard for her to say anything else without choking up.

She thought she’d been grieving well.

She cleaned Phil’s bunk, put what was left of his collectables in storage, and resumed command of a training unit. She’d even started doing Tai-Chi with YoYo.

But Captain America’s eyes were so blue, and Phil wasn’t here with her, and the only other person who could understand her grief was a galaxy away.

“Are you alright, Agent May?” It wasn’t until Steve Rogers asked her that question that Melinda realized that the loud, ugly sound that reverberated in her ears was the sound of her own choked sob.

Steve took off his suit jacket and wrapped it around her trembling shoulders. He slowly pulled Melinda into an embrace she’d have flinched away from five years ago.

She saw Mack glance warily at her from over Steve’s shoulder and felt a little self-satisfied in her grief. Serves him right for trying to drag her out of self-imposed isolation.

“Um, do you want to leave, Agent May? I could tell Stark to send a car to take you home or, whatever base – “

“Stop. Call me Melinda. And no, I don’t want to leave.”

She leans away from his shoulder and wipes her eyes. She doesn’t take off Steve’s jacket.

“You were what SHIELD was supposed to represent to him. He died twice for an organization that screwed us all over at every turn.”

Steve turned to her, shocked to hear her say that, and she scoffs and takes a long sip of the bourbon she’d nearly forgotten. Melinda looked back up at Steve with heartbroken eyes.

“But it mattered so much to him and I’m not”, she holds back a sob, “I’m not ready to let go. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be.”

Maybe if was easier to confide in Steve Rogers because he was Phil’s hero, or the chances of them meeting again were small, or perhaps the bourbon had had a bigger effect on her than she thought.

Maybe it was because Phil’s perception wasn’t real. It was a fairytale created after years of comics and memorabilia and card collecting.

Maybe it was because she knew a little something about being a legendary hero in a tale where all the not-so-legendary but scarily sad, beautiful shards of humanity laid untold of underneath. Because those parts of the story are too ugly for any child to see.

Maybe Steve Rogers just had really nice, tragic blue eyes.

Chapter Text

This was the third time she caught them this week.

The first time had been indirectly, when she just happened to be monitoring the CCTV from the parking garage when a suspicious movement caught her eye. She scanned the screen for a threat and audibly sighed when no such thing popped up.

Instead, Lance Hunter’s back was pinned on a black SUV while Bobbi Morse was squatted down, giving him a blowjob.

The second time they were bent over Mack’s construction table, Hunter pounding into Morse from behind and covering her mouth his hand. Apparently she was a screamer.

And now here they were again.

They’d finally upgraded – or, in Melinda’s opinion, downgraded, to fucking inside the vehicle this time. In her favorite van, no less.

They needed to be stopped.

Melinda opened the side door without warning and stared Bobbi and Hunter down.

“This is the third time this week,” Melinda said flatly.

Bobbi shifted uncomfortably on Hunter’s lap. Hunter smiled.

“Hello to you too, May. Would you like to join us?”

She raised an eyebrow and Bobbi gazed at her apologetically.

Bobbi smacked his arm. “Did you seriously just ask her that, Hunter? What the hell is wrong with you? That’s so disrespectful!”

Hunter gives her a so what shrug and looks again at Melinda. “Well…do you? I promise we won’t bite, angel…unless you’re into it.”

Hunter winks and Melinda finds herself growing hot. “Are you sure?”

Bobbi and Hunter both looked shocked, as if they weren’t expecting her to actually take him up on his offer.

“You…you really want to May?”

She nods, feeling embarrassed suddenly. It probably just a joke. She turns away hotly. “Nevermind.”

“Oh honey, wait!” a feminine voice calls out to her. She turns around and gazes into Bobbi’s eyes, still feeling hurt.

“We didn’t think you’d want to have sex with us, May”, Bobbi explains. “But we’d definitely like to. Climb in.”

Melinda blushed slightly and climbed inside the vehicle. Bobbi shifted into an empty seat and allowed Melinda to take her previous spot on Hunter’s lap.

“Apologies for hurting your feelings, sweetheart. We thought you were here to scold us, is all.” He rubbed circles across her back and placed a gentle kiss on her shoulders. Bobbi played with her hair.

“I was”, Melinda said.

Hunter slid his hands over her breasts and began unzipping her uniform. “Well, I’m glad that’s over.”

“Who said it was over?” To her side, she saw Bobbi smirk as Hunter squinted his eyes in confusion. She snorted.

“Did you really think having sex with me would stop me from telling you that using SHIELD resources like this is forbidden?”

“I was hoping for it, yeah.”

Hunter’s cocky attitude deflated some, but he never paused his slow exploration of her body, tweaking one of her exposed brown nipples absentmindedly.

Bobbi snickered. “You owe me five bucks babe.”

He pouted, and then smiled again as thought of another way to win his money back. “Five bucks says May is a screamer.”

“You’re on.” She turns to May. “You’re not a screamer are you, baby?”

“Nope. Never screamed during sex in my life.”

Hunter gropes her ass in a way that makes Melinda gasp.

“Well fret not, gorgeous. Turns out there’s a first time for everything.”

Chapter Text

As soon as Phill said, “There was one more thing on my bucket list that I really wanted to try,” Melinda was sure it’d be followed by a cheeky come-on about the sex they were sure to have later. But Phil surprised her by saying something totally different.

He curled his hand around her fingers, rubbing his thumb gently along the sides of her palm. He stared at the sunset before removing his sunglasses and gazing directly into Melinda’s eyes.

“We’ve wasted so much time, Melinda,” Phil began. Melinda looked down guiltily and Phil used his other hand to brush her cheek and steady her warm gaze back on him.

“It’s not our fault”, he continued softly. “We took an oath a long time ago to be the shield, and that’s exactly what we’ve been doing for the better part of thirty years. I’ve always been in love with you, Melinda. From the day we’ve met you’ve been my rock, my right hand, my partner…and my much sexier, kickass better half. You never gave up on us, Melinda, even when I made it hard for you to believe in me. You’ve been my partner in more ways than one and nothing will ever change that. But before I go, I just wanted to give you one last reminder.”

Melinda took a few steadying breaths before she spoke again, knowing where he was going. Her voice still came out breathy when she asked him, “Are you proposing to me, Phil?”

Phil was awestruck and for a moment Melinda was worried she stunned him into silence again when he let go of her hand and got on one knee. Tears came to her eyes before he even started to speak again.

“Yeah, May. I guess I am. I’m sorry I don’t have a ring or anything, but I bet I can buy one from someone on the island. I didn’t bring any money, though, and SHIELD’s technically been seized by the government, again, so I’m not sure how we’ll be able to work out a transfer of funds with the team. I can offer you my arm if you want – “

“Phil. I’ll marry you. But please stop talking.”

Phil didn’t move from his spot on the sand. “So that was yes on the proposal, no on the arm right?”

Melinda nodded, grinning wider than Phil had seen in years. “Yes. Yes!”

Melinda hauled Phil up and he gave her a dorky smile, not letting go of either one of her hands.

“Great”, he said cheerily, “that was starting to get uncomfortable.”

Melinda snorted and launched herself into Phil’s arms, and he carried her like that for the rest the walk to their cabin. He crossed the threshold of the cabin and sat down on the bed. Melinda was still draped over his arms, her small, sturdy hands gripped tightly around his neck.

She bit his earlobe and sighed. “So marrying me was the only thing on your bucket list, then?”

Phil smirked. “There was one more thing…”

Melinda licked her lips. “And what’s that, Coulson?”

Phil leaned forward and touched his lips to her collarbone. Melinda’s breath hitched. He parted her lips with a gentle kiss and nuzzled his chin against her jawline.


Chapter Text

They spent their honeymoon (and several hundred dollars on SHIELD’s seemingly endless dime) in Vegas.

Fury was not going to be pleased about that last part, especially since Melinda bailed on teaching a tactical fitness class to elope with the psychiatric consultant she’d met six months ago at an otherwise stuffy company mixer. Melinda had no doubt her and Nick were going to have words when they got back, if the seven missed calls she’d declined in the last three days were any indication.

They were at a jazz bar tonight, fingers entwined on the countertop as they listened to the live band. They savored their last day of freedom with a black label Merlot, curtesy of SHIELD.

Melinda’s white summer dress swayed softly around her legs. Andrew couldn’t take his eyes off Melinda as she listened to the music with a smile on her face. She looked peaceful and happy and Andrew wished to capture to moment forever. He took enough photos of Melinda to run out of film twice, and her beautiful face became an annoyed stare every time she caught him snapping pictures.

He would grin and tell her he couldn’t help it and she’d smile and forgive him.

He thought about snapping another photo when a greasy looking guy took a seat on Melinda’s other side. She sighed and rolled her eyes.

The man sucked his teeth and leered at Melinda. Andrew he ignored entirely.

“A pretty thing like you shouldn't be here all alone.”

Melinda snorted and looked up from her drink. The guy’s skin had a sickening yellow tint, and when he talked Melinda spotted several rotting teeth in his mouth. He looked like a meth head, and Melinda decided to trust her judgement and assume he was one.

She deliberately flexed her wrist to show the creep her wedding ring and gazed lovingly at Andrew. She turned back to the wretched man with a smirk.

“It’s a good thing I’m not alone then.”

The meth head sized Andrew up and sighed. “That’s a shame. I bet I could show you a better time than this guy. He looks boring.”

Melinda clenched her fist. Her hand started moving to shove his head on the counter and maybe under the heel of shoe when she felt Andrew’s gentle touch on her arm. “Honey,” he crooned into her ear.

“I already know what you’re gonna say, Drew. That I shouldn’t let this dumbass ruin our night and that we should focus on each other instead. Did I get that right?”

Andrew rubbed slow circles around her bare back and pressed Melinda to his chest. She could feel the steady rhythm of his heartbeat over the solid skin on his chest, his abs showing plainly on the cheesy Hawaiian shirt he’d left unbuttoned specifically because she told him to. He pressed a kiss to her collarbone and chuckled.

“Actually, I was going to suggest you wait til later to beat his ass in this club. Fury’s gonna have my head already, we should at least finish this bottle of expensive ass wine before he does.”

Melinda learned into Andrew’s arms. “It’s cute you think we’ll get kicked out of a Vegas bar for fighting, honey. Or that Nick will want your head instead of mine. But I guess I see your point.”

Melinda turned back to their harasser, who was clenching his fists in envy. Melinda smirked, knowing his punk ass couldn’t hurt her or her husband if he tried.

“If you leave right now I might just have mercy and leave the two teeth you do have in your mouth. If not,” she shrugged comfortably in Andrew’s arms, “I’ll show you how I normally treat people who disrespect me and those I love, without even messing up my outfit.”

Andrew pressed a kiss on Melinda’s lips.

“This is your chance to get out, man”, he said, an easygoing smile on his face. Only the small clench in his jaw betrayed his seriousness. “You really don’t want to see what my wife can do to people who piss her off.”

The meth head looked between them and turned pale.

“You guys are crazy, man.” He shook his head and got up from the bar, finally leaving the newlyweds to enjoy each other.

Melinda sighed and looked up at Andrew with pouty eyes. “I really wanted to beat his ass, Drew.”

He kissed her hair in sympathy. “I know, sweetheart. And I wanted to see it. But if you’d done that then we couldn’t do this.”

He kissed her again, taking her hand in his and rubbing his thumb over the large ring on her finger. She smiled devilishly at him and broke the kiss.

“We can always do that, babe”, Melinda purred seductively. The kissing and the music was so good, Andrew and Melinda almost forgot to drink the $4,000 Merlot down to its last drop. Almost.