Chapter 1: In the Past
In the past, Spock had never been stopped. Sure, they tried, but Sarek didn't want to bring attention to his household for his son being too human. Amanda tried, but she didn't know how to deal with a child that was too Vulcan.
Naturally, Vulcan researchers had been interested in his existence since his conception due to the odds of it all. Doctors suggested that his mother abort him, citing the prognosis of an eventual miscarriage. Amanda, who had given up hope of having a child of her own blood, stubbornly refused to do so. No one thought that he would be born alive, but alas, he was.
They were interested in the combination of his parents, the hybridization of the species that he exhibited. His ears were Vulcan. His eyes were human. His blood was Vulcan. His genitalia, however, confused them all. Instead of being able to clearly see which species' trait was dominant, it was apparent that it was codominant. He had the penal sheath of a male Vulcan but the uterus of a female human. Unsure of what sex to put him as on his birth certificate, the doctors simply labeled him as neutral.
He had been raised a male by his family however, who deemed it logical that they go off of the Vulcan characteristic due to their household in Shi'Kahr. They had both been hesitant and unsure, but Amanda stressed that the other children would use every oddity about him in hatred during his school years.
That was when it all started. Before school, it had just been Amanda, Sarek, Sybok, and Spock. None of them were outright cruel to the half-Vulcan despite his parents' disagreements on how he should be raised. Even Sybok respected him, but he himself went against most Surakian principles. When he went to school, he was finally exposed to the horrific bullying that his mother had been afraid of. They called his father a 'traitor' and his mother a 'whore.' He was called a 'freak' and a 'hybrid' and every synonym of those two words in the dictionary.
That was when he first took to the knife. He had done his best to put up crude shields against his family, not that they were around to stop him at the time. Amanda and Sarek had been away, and Sybok had already left the family in dishonor for good.
If his parents had noticed his raised shields during his childhood, they certainly never questioned it. Green blood would spill on his thighs over and over again whenever Spock had problems regarding his place in the world. Doctors couldn't specify a species, couldn't specify a sex...
Spock had run into Sybok once with blood staining his clothing. He was horrified, terrified for his brother, and his emotions violently raged. Then, he disappeared.
Amanda had soon after found out too, leading to Sarek learning of it. She cried, saying she knew something like that might happen. Apparently, she had seen it in his eyes. She had read up on depression and anxiety, but none of the advice she had recieved had been useful to either of them.
Then, Michael came. Spock didn't like her at first, which was obviously illogical. He taught himself that lesson on his thighs once more. She was human, of course she required more affection from Amanda. He wasn't human enough to get that from her. As always, he was too Vulcan.
He made sure to stay at the top of his year, not wanting to face the fierce tongues that would abuse him if he fell behind. They still found him though. They always did.
Stonn hated him the most. Spock was never sure why, but he most have had some logical reason. Maybe it was because he had always like T'Pring, but she and Spock had been set up with each other.
Michael found out about his habit right before she left for Starfleet Academy and had been ready to stay and help him deal with it together. Spock had refused, citing that it was useless for his malaties to burden others as well. She left reluctantly.
Then, there was no one left who understood him in the slightest. While he hadn't liked her at first, she became valuable to him as another person who was too human for the other Vulcans. Green blood was spilled when she left.
Every defining moment in his life was sprinkled with a spray of blood. Every illogical action like turning down the Vulcan Science Academy had defined him.
When he followed his sister to Starfleet, he had been too Vulcan there. It was fairly obvious that not a lot of Vulcans went there, and the humans loved to pull punches with their words and their fists.
When Pike took him under his wing, he had already known about the issue. Spock had always suspected that that was one of the reasons he was selected. The man had been rather good at keeping him from harming himself, a lot better than his family had been. Knifes were few and far between, and it took longer for him to get a phaser than it normally should have. In the end, he could not quell the Vulcan's need for the painful bliss.
When he got with Nyota, she had been horrified to learn of it. She tried to help him every day, treated him as more of an equal than others had. He hadn't been too Vulcan for her, but all the same, others' views clouded his mind.
He couldn't show emotion or feel anything. If he did, he had to reeducate himself. He couldn't make illogical decisions and would reeducate himself if he did.
Spock cut himself when he cast off Kirk go Delta Vega. He had cut himself when he failed to save his mother and his planet. He had cut himself when they broke the prime directive and after he learned from Jim that he shouldn't have reported it. Whether it was due to his emotions or his confusing body structure, no one could stop him in the end.
Chapter 2: Scars on Scars
Yo guys I just am having a hard time I own nothing etc etc
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"So, yeah, Bones and I were wondering if sometime you would like to go somewhere and grab a coffee or something....just the three of us." Jim stumbled over his words slightly, apprehensive about how they would be taken.
"I would gladly partake, but is this not commonplace already?"
The Captain met eyes with his CMO for a moment before turning back to his First Officer. He did usually have coffee with the other two for breakfast onboard the Enterprise.
"He means in a romantic way, hobgoblin. We're asking you out." Bones explained after a few seconds of silence.
"I see. I accept your request." Spock agreed almost immediately. After many missions, especially Altamid, he had grown quite close with them, and even if they hadn't been romantically involved at the time, they had still been his t'hy'la.
The two of them looked pleasantly surprised for a moment.
"You're serious." Bones smiled a bit, something he did more often while on ground than in space.
"I always am, doctor."
Jim grinned. "Well, it's a date then. Shall I pick you two gentlemen up later?"
Once he had returned to the quarters he was temporarily using while the Enterprise was rebuilt, Spock sat down gracefully to meditate. He had not expected to enter another relationship so soon after mutually terminating his old one with Nyota.
He felt things, emotions while around his doctor and his Captain, and that was strictly against the Surakian principles. He was supposed to be able to control and quell the raging feelings deep within every Vulcan, but he always seemed to be too human to be able to do that.
Regardless, he had entered a new relationship. Perhaps it would play out similar to how his and Nyota's did? She had not known the extent to which he was a hybrid, at least not until the two of them had made the decision to participate in coitus. Maybe Leonard and Jim would appreciate it if he told them about his mixed genitalia to begin with, or would that appear to be too forward?
It was during intercourse that Nyota discovered the numerous scars marring both of his thighs. He never cared to cut anywhere else as he had always assumed that no one would bother to look there. If that was indeed the case, Leonard and Jim would discover that as well, and they would finally know just how emotional and pathetic he really was.
Leonard did have access to his medical files though, so it was possible that he already knew about his irregular genitalia. He, however, had always been so careful to avoid any mention of self mutilation in his file.
Would they decide that it wasn't worth starting a relationship with someone as damaged as him? If Spock informed them early, it would be forward and dangerous, but if he did not, it would be just plain manipulative.
His mother normally had great advice in times like these, much better that the advice his father would normally give. He hadn't talked to Sybok in years, and he and Michael were both busy working on different ends of Federation space nowadays.
Ambassador Spock had also recently died, and he had apparently found a use for his emotions. Did he too feel the same way he did concerning Jim and Leonard? Were they all together in the other universe as well? Nevertheless, he knew the sharp, stabbing pains of loss like the back of his hand.
Luckily, he knew an activity that would help clear his head
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Chapter 3: The Date
Jim and Spock and Leonard
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He remember when, years ago, his sister Michael had attacked him with her words. He had told her that he loved her as any brother would, but she had reminded him that he was too Vulcan to have such feelings. He had learned a lot that day.
Now, much, much later, he wondered if he had in fact learned anything at all. He had developed an emotional attachment to Nyota, and now, it seemed as though the same was happening in regards to his Captain and the Chief Medical Officer.
Even if he could feel in the way humans needed, he was manipulating them unfairly. What would the two of them think when they eventually saw his scars? His genitalia? What would they say? He didn't want to know. He wanted to avoid it if at all possible, but he longed for emotional vulnerability. If that didn't make him just like Sybok, he wasn't sure what would.
He was interrupted from his meditative state by the buzzing of the doorbell. Jim and Leonard should be stopping by to go get coffee. He bit his lip; why couldn't he have gone out to meet them? Why did he force them to go out of their way for him?
"Spock," the Captain grinned brightly once the door opened.
"Jim. Leonard." The Vulcan remembered that the humans appreciated being called their first names off duty.
"Are you ready to go?" Jim asked, holding his arm out.
He was. "Affirmative."
"Well, then, let's head off." Leonard grinned and stepped away from the door.
The three of them started from Spock's quarters. They were heading to a well-known coffee shop on the planet the Enterprise was orbiting.
Spock's thighs ached as he walked with the two humans, a stark reminder of what he had done to quell the rising emotions that were so unlike that of a normal Vulcan. They were logical and held no sentiments, but he always struggled with them. He ached as he thought about how the humans next to him must have felt in order to even ask him to accompany them.
"How has your work been, Spock?" Jim inquired conversationally.
The First Officer snapped out of his funk. "Adequate, Captain." The work-oriented question triggered a work-oriented response. "On the planet below, the science wing has identified three new, undiscovered species and found some new medicinal purposes for some of their plants."
Leonard was interested in the plants. "What are they used for?" He asked.
"The Xolian Root is found to be adequate in treating Orion Viral Meningitis, and the Grego Nut can help people recover from Andorian Influenza." He reported as professional as ever.
The Chief Medical Officer made a sound of approval. "That's great, Spock. Any idea on when these drugs will start down the pipeline?"
"Not at this current time."
They continued planetside to a picturesque square with elaborate fountains and artistic cafes and shops. There were tables set out in the sun, and Jim led them to one right next to one of the fountains.
"Wait here." The Captain bounced on his heels out of excitement. "Anything special in your coffees?"
"Creamer." Leonard mentioned, and Jim enthusiastically nodded.
"How about you? Milk? Creamer?" He offered.
The First Officer declined. "It's fine." He didn't mind black coffee that much anyway, so there was no use requesting more. The Captain was already retrieving the coffee for them after all.
"How has your work been?" Spock changed the subject and looked towards the doctor.
Leonard groaned. "It's been as it normally is. Bunch of idiots nearly blowing their heads off. Couple pregnancy tests. Broken arm in engineering."
The Vulcan was painfully aware that they were only talking about work, something that he knew Jim liked to keep separate from his private, off-duty time. Why couldn't he talk about anything else? Was there really nothing else he could talk about? Was there nothing else to his life?
"How has your daughter been?" He discovered a new subject.
Leonard's eyes lit up. "Did you know that she is top of her class? Mind you, she's still very young, but she's doing well."
They were interrupted by the Captain returning.
"Here you go," he gave his two dates the coffee and sipped some of his own, groaning as the heavenly taste filled his mouth.
"Thank you, Jim."
The three of them remained in companionable silence for a long while and exchanged awkward small talk for the rest of the time. The sun seemed to go down all too quickly, and the Vulcan realized that he was actually having a good time. Time flew.
Many anxieties immediately crashed down on him again. Should he discuss his hybrid characteristics before the other two could get too involved with him? Would that seem too forward of him?
For once, he was desperately confused.
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Chapter 4: Contemplations
I own nothing! Sorry for the long update. I got really depressed again
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Later that night, Spock found himself alone in his quarters once more. He had been surprised that his human companions didn't seem to expect anything more out of their outing; after all, he had heard many rumors about the Captain's libido. Nevertheless, the three of them had made their way back to the Enterprise during a shift change.
Their quarters were all near each other's for convenience's sake, so they were able to walk back with each other. Leonard had started to speak of his daughter again and how she had participated in a talent show. Apparently, she had won first prize.
Spock found himself to be distracted. He stared off into blank space, locked inside his own mind, and he couldn't seem to escape from its clutches. His thighs ached; his heart throbbed. He wasn't sure why. Emotions had never been his strong suit; despite knowing internally of their existence, he refused to acknowledge their presence like any Vulcan would.
He blinked hard, but that didn't life the fog that was beginning to cloud his vision. He had only delved into his human side around a few people, including Michael and Nyota. Otherwise, he acted as a typical Vulcan would. He was logical, not emotional, but then, what were these things stirring within him? He thought fondly of the Captain and the Chief Medical Officer, more fondly than he ever had before. They didn't expect him to be one hundred percent Vulcan or Terran all the time. They accepted him for who he was and how he acted.
Despite this, negativity clouded his mind. He was being manipulative. To his knowledge, they didn't know how much of a hybrid, a freak, he actually was; they most likely only knew of his male anatomy. But would they find his human parts intriguing? Evolutionarily speaking, they should be more attracted to individuals who stand the strongest chance of passing on their genes.
But Spock didn't necessarily want to participate in that part of life. He didn't want to abandon his work and everything he knew to help raise a child. He bit his lip hard; he shouldn't even be thinking about these things. They had just come back from their first date, and he was already thinking far ahead into the future. The relationship probably wouldn't last that long either; no one would want to be with him after they learn how deformed he was.
Time passed slowly and quickly at the same time. It seemed to stretch on forever, but it moved forward instantly as well. Was he sufficient in courting the two humans that day? Or did he mess up? Was he too Vulcan for them, just like he was for every other human? Spock shook his head, trying to knock the negative thoughts out of his mind. It was too early to tell, and Jim and Leonard didn't appear to be upset by his presence. In fact, it seemed like it was just the opposite. Or was he being too arrogant? He shouldn't assume that people want to be around him.
Regardless of whether or not he was manipulating his partners, he had found joy that day. He had thoroughly enjoyed spending his time with the two humans, and he hoped they felt the same way about him. But in the end, the only way he could know for sure would be to ask them himself, and he wasn't keen on doing so.
He mechanically got up and moved to the sonic shower, trying to accomplish something during his time. He felt like a worn out battery. He had spent all of his energy engaging with Jim and Leonard, and now, he needed to take some time to recharge. He doubted that other Vulcans had the same problem; they never seemed to tire of speaking to others about logical things. Maybe he was feeling this way because of all the emotions in the air at the time.
Or maybe he was simply too human.
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