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Fire in my Heart

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He smelled like evergreens. Which was fitting, since that is the color Shouto would associate most with him. Green, fresh, wild, and Earthy, like a vast forest. He was Izuku, he was distracting, Shouto had to focus on why he was here.

He had wanted to ask Izuku to stand with him at the ceremony… the ceremony where he will marry Katsuki. But Izuku had been ignoring him, ever since that day three weeks ago, Izuku had been ignoring him.

It made Shouto angry, angry enough to ask Izuku, in an unquiet, ungentle voice, “What did I do?”

Of course he had been angry, of course he would have liked to have known what caused Izuku to avoid him. Have Izuku talk with him, to explain to him, what he did that was so wrong so that he may learn from his mistakes. So he could learn to not do them anymore, so that he could continue the friendship he so desperately craved from Izuku.

Izuku backed away, not wanting to answer Shouto’s question.

“Izuku,” Shouto pressed again, not wanting to let him avoid this any longer.

After having thrown the plate away, Izuku said pointedly, “ Hi , Shouto,” trying to evade him some more.

“No,” Shouto said, louder than he wanted, “Don’t ‘hi,’ me, I haven’t seen you at all in three weeks. We live in the same building, Izuku.”

“Figured you’d be busy,” he had returned to the bars he had been previously working out at,

“Was I wrong?”

“Maybe if you had been around, you would have known if I was or not, instead of avoiding me for so long,” Shouto said, getting angrier.

But Izuku ignored him, continuing to do pull ups even though Shouto was sure he was too tired to be doing that anymore. If Izuku wasn’t going to respond to an attempt of a heart to heart conversation, Shouto figured he’d change the subject.

“Tenya’s gone, had you noticed?”

That apparently made him angry, which was not what Shouto was trying to accomplish, but any reaction to Shouto was a plus, he supposed.

Dropping down to the ground, whirling on Shouto, he said, “Of course I– don’t talk to me about Tenya. You barely know him.”

“Excuse me?! Tenya is my friend!”

“And that’s all you care about, how he serves you .”

Shouto was starstruck, and could not speak. So Izuku continued, “I know it’s very hard sometimes to remember that other people have lives of their own but have you ever stopped to try?”

“Yes,” Shouto said, shocked at what he was hearing, getting angry, that he felt the need to defend himself from Izuku, someone whom he had considered a friend. Saying such harsh things to Shouto about Tenya, who's leaving has caused Shouto such grief, “I, Of course, he– he had, has, friends here–”

“Friends, right. What do you want, Shouto?”

Shouto was getting angrier every time Izuku opened his mouth, saying such rude things, interrupting him… looking at him with such a vile face. Shouto doesn’t even know what he did wrong, he doesn’t believe he should be spoken to like this. What had he done? Izuku hadn’t answered his question earlier. Had he said something insensitive about Katsuki?

Izuku got impatient at shouto’s silence, huffing at him.

“I wanted to ask you if you’d–”

“Got another fight for me to pick?” Shouto’s eyes widened, Izuku needed to stop interrupting him, “throw, maybe.” Izuku continued, in a condescending voice.

“I never asked you to– Katsuki didn’t need you to throw the –”

He scoffed, turned his head, a dark look twisting on his face. Shouto felt sick, was that what all this was about, that fight? If Izuku would have said something, they wouldn’t be in this situation.

“If you hadn’t run away after, I would have–”

“I’m not hiding from you, Shouto,” Izuku snapped, having interrupted Shouto, once again.

“It sure seemed like it.” Shouto said in an angry voice.

“Maybe I just wanted a break ,” Izuku told him.

“A ‘ break,’ from what?!” Shouto couldn’t believe this conversation.

“From watching you moon after Kacchan like he’s some kind of – you barely know him.”

That struck Shouto hard. He didn’t “ know ” Katsuki? He didn’t know his husband? Someone whom he loves. How could Izuku say that to him?

“Are you jealous?” Shouto didn’t mean to ask that, but there could be no other explanation to why Izuku was acting this way. Why he would be saying such hurtful things.

“Of you?” Izuku said, as if it was such a ridiculous thing to say. Shouto’s heart broke, and his anger rose. Izuku never cared about him, he had just been nice all this time but now, now Shouto was seeing his true colors. If Izuku was going to forgo his polite demeanor he had held all this time, then so will Shouto.

Shouto can’t take this anymore.

“What’d you come down here for anyway?” Izuku said, and Shouto balked, he had been trying to tell Izuku why he was there all this time, but he was constantly interrupted. Shouto’s eyebrow twitched, “did Kacchan put you up to this?”

“That doesn’t make sense,” Shouto’s whole world was spinning, he didn’t know how to deal with this.

“Like I said, you barely know him,” Stop saying that. Shouto was reeling, he was breaking, how could he say that about Shouto? That he didn’t know someone he loved… that he didn’t know the only person he had ever allowed into his bed… it was insanity that Izuku claimed he didn’t know someone he loved .

“Katsuki said I needed family to stand with me at the joining,” Shouto finally said, coldly, not caring about politeness anymore.

“So?”

Shouto wanted to vomit, what had Ochako said? That asking this of Izuku would “mean a lot to him,”  How wrong she was…

“Forget it,” Shouto said, harshly, “I’ll find someone else.”

The look on Izuku’s face, when he realized what that mean gave Shouto a slight sense of satisfaction.

“Someone–”

But now it was Shouto that wouldn’t let Izuku finish. He had turned away and was jogging back inside. But Izuku reached him, grabbed his shoulder, with his big, hot hand…

“Wait, wait, fuck, I’m s–”

Shouto whirled on him, shoving his hand off of his shoulder.

“ You’re Sorry ? Is that what you were going to say?” Shouto couldn’t contain himself now, that dam is broken, “you don’t get to be mad at me for being with Katsuki! I love him–!”

“Shouto I–”

“STOP. FUCKING. INTERRUPTING ME!” no, no more of that, now it was Shouto’s turn to say what he had to say, “You had your chance! I may not know the details of yours and Katsuki’s past, but I do know that I wanted you, that day in the baths, and you rejected me!

“You were so nice to me, so kind and different from anyone I had ever met, and I wanted you , and you rejected me ! So I compromised, we stayed friends, we became close, but I fell in love with Katsuki, because I got to know him! I do know him! How dare you say otherwise!

“You ran away after that fight, why? Because you couldn’t stand to see me with Katsuki? Because you are still in love with him or something? When it was you that pushed me into his arms in the first place?! You were the one that told me that Katsuki might care about me, during the Solstice… I would never have considered Katsuki might want to kiss me if you hadn’t brought it up that night…

“If you had just talked to me! Talked to Katsuki! And not avoid me like some passive aggressive child ! We could have worked through this together instead of you talking to me they way you just have been! Treating me with disrespect and contempt instead of… of telling me what I had done was wrong. That when I asked you to fight, it made you feel bad. I can’t better myself if you don’t communicate what you are thinking and feeling! I may have made a mistake, but I do not deserve to be talked to that way!”

Shouto couldn’t see, he couldn’t think, he just yelled, and ranted, letting all his thoughts explode from his core. Telling Izuku exactly what he needed to say. He didn’t even see Izuku, not really, he was looking at him, but he didn't see him at this point. He didn't recognize the look on Izuku’s face, Shouto couldn't tell if he was sad, angry, hurt or numb. Shouto didn’t care anymore.

“I don’t care anymore,” Shouto wasn’t yelling anymore, he had his hands clenched into fists at his sides and spoke softly “that you think I’m conceited, that you think I don’t know Tenya, my friend, whom you wouldn’t even know if it wasn’t for him being here for me. Or that I don’t know Katsuki, someone who I love so much, someone I am going to marry. I don’t care if you have always hated me, or if you had just been being polite all this time until it wasn’t convenient for you anymore. I just know that I thought you were my friend, and that it isn’t fair to treat me this way because I made a mistake you didn't even tell me was a mistake. And it most certainly is not fair for you to try to apologize after knowing my reason for being here. Would you have said all those hurtful things if you had known right away? That I wanted you to stand with me, at the ceremony, as my family?”

He finally looked at the heartbroken expression on Izuku’s face, mouth agape, as if he was trying to speak but couldn’t. Shouto felt a twinge of pain run through him, looking at Izuku’s face like that.

Shouto did care, he’d said he didn’t care anymore, but he did… but he can’t let Izuku know that now, not after everything he had just said...

“And…” Shouto had to nail the coffin shut, once and for all, “it’s not my fault, that Katsuki can’t stand you.”

And with that… Shouto turned around, and went back into the castle.

 

He went to see Ochako but left her room after asking her

 

He needed to go somewhere safe, he felt exposed and tender after all of that. He needed to go see Katsuki, to be somewhere that made sense.

 


 

“... How he serves you . ” “You barely know him.” “Got another fight for me to pick?” “ Maybe I just wanted a break … From watching you moon after Kacchan...” “Did Kacchan put you up to this?”

 

Those words hurt, they hurt Shouto so much. He needed Katsuki, he needed him to make everything alright. So when Katsuki asked him if he was alright, he didn’t want to start any more conflict, but he needed to hear Katsuki tell him he wasn’t self absorbed. He needed to be somewhere safe and comforting…

But when he finally told Katsuki that he had just come back from talking to Izuku, insinuating that it was Izuku that had made Shouto feel bad. There was no stopping Katsuki’s rage.

Shouto didn’t want this. He didn't want Katsuki to be upset. But it was kind of nice… that Katsuki was getting mad on Shouto’s behalf. But this wasn’t the way to deal with things. He had already gone off on Izuku, he didn’t need to sic Katsuki on him. He needed to calm him down, explain to him that there are reasons for him to be upset.

Telling Katsuki that Izuku is still in love with him is not the way to do it though…

“Fuck did you just say to me?” This isn’t good, Shouto released his hold on Katsuki.

“He’s… he’s still– he was just jealous.”

Katsuki was being unnaturally quiet.

“Shut the fuck up Shouto. You don’t know what the fuck you are talking about.

Shouto didn’t know what to say… he didn’t expect Katsuki to turn on him.

“Don’t talk about shit you don’t understand!” Katsuki was suddenly hovering over Shouto, “Fucking– you don’t know shit about Deku–”

“I think I know–”

“You barely know him, ” Katsuki hissed. And Shouto’s world shattered… going very still… you barely know him you barely know him you barely know him you barely know him. Over and over in Shouto’s mind…

It’s what Izuku had said to him about Katsuki…

He didn’t hear what Katsuki had been saying… he was stuck, stuck in his mind, as those four words swirled around in his mind…

HEY! ” that did it though, Katsuki yelling at him, that did it, “ANSWER ME,” he didn’t even know what Katsuki had been asking, he didn’t hear him. He just heard Katsuki yelling… after having said that to him, now he was yelling…

“Of course,” Shouto doesn’t know what he just agreed to, but when Katsuki huffed in satisfaction and turned to away seeming to leave. But before Katsuki could do so, he said, "My Lord.”

Katsuki paused, taking in what Shouto had just said, so he jumped on that moment.

“My Lord."  Shouto said again,   "Yelling… looming over me, demanding answers and trying to intimidate me… Like my father would.”

Katsuki gasped, and turned back around, seemingly wanting to say something, but Shouto kept talking, with more confidence than he should have at this moment.

“I just went through this with Izuku, and I will not , stand for this, I will not be talked down to and disrespected just because I said something you didn’t want to hear!” Shouto stood.

“How could you act like this? After knowing I was upset? I came here from one of the worst conversations of my life and you yelled at me? I came here wanting to be with you because you comfort me, and you turned your anger at me?! I only said what I said because that was an observation I made after that horrible talk I just had with Izuku. I told you about it because I believe it is your right as my husband to know the intimate details about my life and when I am upset you should know what the cause of that is!

"But if my opening up to you and telling you my thoughts will cause you to be angry , and cruel then there is no point in being honest with you is there?!” Shouto sat back on the bed, and felt his heart hurt, Katsuki was still quiet, not having expected Shouto to defend himself like this, “you hadn’t even realized I was upset… you didn’t even notice… Kiri was the one that mentioned it. You were just content with get your cock sucked. Is that all I am to you? Do you even care about my mental and emotional well being or am I just a good lay?” Shouto looked up at Katsuki…

He didn’t recognize the look on his face. He hoped his words had penetrated Katsuki’s stubborn anger enough to realize how hurt Shouto was.

“I…” Katsuki started to say, then Shouto flinched at the sound of his voice and Katsuki stopped talking. He turned to look at the others, they had been quiet this whole time, watching Katsuki rage, and watching Shouto defend himself. They had nothing to say to Katsuki, not really.

He left the room. And Shouto doesn’t know what to think anymore. he let the others comfort him, Mina saying that Katsuki gets to sleep in the hall tonight. he was not happy with what went down with either of them, but he was with people who care about him, and he was content with that for now...

But maybe Izuku was right, maybe he doesn’t know Katsuki as well as he thought he did...