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It is (not) just a chair

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Clarke storms into the empty room, closely followed by Lexa, who is furrowing.

“Sometimes I can’t cope with your infuriating self, Alexandria.” She turns in the middle of the room to stare at the brunette, her fury very evident on her expression and her arms crossed in front of her chest. “Why are you so fucking annoying? Why are you always trying to decide what we are gonna do?” 

“Calm down, Clarke.” She steps forward, trying to place a hand on the blonde’s shoulder, causing her to flinch at the contact, so she retracts her hand. “I’m not trying to decide anything. Not alone. Moreover, it’s just a chair, we can decide where we will put it later.”

“Were you listening to me? Because I think you weren’t.” She stares at Lexa in disbelief, shaking her head. “I hate that fucking armchair, Lexa. Why can’t we just throw it away or give it for charity?”

Lexa sighs deeply, running a hand through her locks and closing her eyes.

“Clarke, please. You know this armchair has sentimental value for me.” She opens her eyes slowly, clenching and unclenching her fists. “You listed all the sorts of dumb things you want to keep and I didn’t complain once. Why can’t you accept the only thing I want to keep?”

Clarke’s eyes widen and she scoffs loudly, stepping forward, her arms hanging beside her thighs.

“Oh, now my things are dumb?” 

Lexa closes her eyes, inhaling deeply a couple of times and swallowing the words that are stuck in her throat. Because yelling at Clarke that she is a selfish bitch wouldn’t help anyone. It’s a couple of seconds before she opens them again, her expression more composed.

“You had an awful day. You’re angry and I’m also angry right now but let’s not fight, okay?” She forces a smile on her lips, what looks more like a grimace. “Let’s talk about it tomorrow. Or over the weekend.”

Clarke just stares at Lexa for a couple of seconds before shaking her head, tears glistening on her eyes.

“You know what?” She steps backwards, raising her voice and clenching her fists. “I never wanted it. I never asked for it. So go fuck yourself.”

That makes Lexa to step back, her stoic façade starting to crack but her jaw still locked.

“What did you never want?”

Clarke scoffs before gesturing with her hand around the room.

“All of this, you oblivious fucker.” She swallows before looking back at her girlfriend, her bottom lip trembling. “I don’t wanna talk about this another time because I never wanted to buy a house to live with someone else in the first place. I never wanted to live this awful suburban dream.” She laughs bitterly, shaking her head, and Lexa flinches at the tone of her next words. “What do you think is coming next, Lexa? Marriage? Kids?” She shakes her head one more time, laughing louder. “Well, let me tell you a secret, baby. Neither of these things are coming.” A few tears start to run over her cheeks, as well on Lexa’s, who is clealy having a hard time to keep her composure. “God, I never even pictured myself having a serious relationship before you walked into my life and ruined it.” She turns, walking towards the door, her back to Lexa now. “So go fucking find another idiot to live your fucking dream with you because I’m done.” She stops at the doorstep, but doesn’t turn to face the other woman as she says, her voice low and broken. “We are done.” 

Lexa stares at the door for a while before walking towards the kitchen counter and placing both hands over it, as if searching for support. She looks around the kitchen, their kitchen, one more time before placing both hands over her face to try to muffle the sounds of her sobs.

Raven opens the door and it’s welcomed by the darkness, despite the fact that it’s already 9 am, and sighs deeply before schooling her expression into something somewhat warm and happy.

Fish runs towards her, barking twice, his tail wagging, and she leans to pet the dog’s head, scratching the back of her ears.

“Hey, you silly thing.” She laughs lowly when he turns to lick her hand, a genuine smile forming on her lips. “Who’s your mom doing, huh boy?” The dog stops greeting her and turns to look at the dark living room. “That bad, huh?” She sighs again, her shoulders falling. “Well, let’s face the wrath of the commander, shall we?” She straights her body, raising her voice. “Lex?”

She walks through the living room, trying to go around and not trip over the boxes that are scattered all over the place and only notices Lexa lying on the couch because Fish runs back to it, jumping on it and evoking a sound from hew owner.

Raven shakes her head and walks towards the curtains, opening it with a single move.

“Too bright.” Lexa places her forearm over her eyes, her free hand caressing Fish’s fur. “I want to remain in the darkness.”

Raven scoffs, mumbling something that sounds like so dramatic, and turns to face Lexa, walking towards the couch and taking a seat next to her. She looks at her friend and feels her heart squeezing inside her chest, because despite Lexa’s efforts to seem fine, she never saw her in such a terrible state.

“It’s been two weeks, Lexa.” She sighs sadly again, doing her best to stop her eyes to water. “You need to leave this room. You need to go back to your life.”

Lexa slowly removes her arm from her eyes, blinking a couple of times before focusing on Raven, who immediately notices the dark circles under Lexa’s eyes and her tired expression.

“I’ve been walking Fish every morning.” She clears her throat, her voice a little rough. “Everything is fine. You don’t need to worry.”

Raven reaches for Lexa’s hand, squeezing it when Lexa doesn’t retract her own.

“Anya is this close to come back a week earlier, your business meeting to be damned. Because you aren’t eating, or sleeping.” She runs her index finger over Lexa’s darks circles, sighing again. “And you aren’t talking to anybody.”

Lexa sighs too, closing her eyes and swallowing again.

“Well, what were you expecting?” She opens her eyes, siting up slowly, and Fish jumps out of the couch, running towards her dog bed and immediately starting to chew on a toy. Lexa smiles at him, but soon her expression is back to nothing and she sighs again, moving to the side and leaning her forehead on Raven’s shoulder. “I’ve never been this sad before, Raven. I’m so sad I can’t even pretend everything is alright.”

Raven throws an arm over Lexa’s shoulders, bringing Lexa closer to her and squeezing her arm.

“Why aren’t you answering her calls?”

Lexa leans backwards, red rimmed eyes locking with Raven’s.

“I don’t want to talk to her.”

“But you need to.” She wipes Lexa’s tears, caressing her cheeks fondly. “You two need to figure everything out.”

“We already did it.”

Raven snorts, standing up and walking towards the middle of the room, pointing to the innumerous boxes that are all over the place.

“So why are you living amongst boxes?” She arches an eyebrow, staring at Lexa with a somewhat amused expression. “If you aren’t expecting some kind of resolution, why didn’t you unpack these things?”

Lexa shrugs, bringing her legs to her chest and hugging them.

“She broke up with me when we were arguing. She was pissed, I was angry, both of us were losing our damn minds.” She offers Raven a sad, broken smile. “I’m not ready to hear those words again, this time with more clarity and determination, because it will hurt even more than the first time.” She sighs for the thousandth time, more tears wetting her cheeks. “No offense, but I feel like I’m losing not only my girlfriend but also my best friend. I feel like a part of me is dying.” She shakes her head slowly, her bottom lip trembling. “But a part of me has hope. Hope she changed her mind, hope she still loves me, hope I’ll be able to breathe again sometime. And I hate this part of me because she said horrible things that afternoon, things that should be enough to kill not only my hope but also my love for her. So no, I don’t want to talk to her because I’m a moron who was hurt so badly but still doesn’t want to believe this is the end.”

She lets her head drop, burying it on her knees and doing her best not to let her body shake due to the sobs leaving her chest. A small tear appears on Raven’s eyes at the sight and she walks towards the couch, dropping to her knees and wrapping Lexa’s now shaking frame.

She just holds her friend, fighting against her own tears, until the sobs subside and, eventually, stop.

“Would you do a thing?” She leans back, waiting for Lexa to look at her. “For me, your awesome sister-in-law, future carrier of your nieces and nephews?”

Lexa rolls her eyes at Raven’s saccharine tone, but nods hesitantly after a while.

“Tonight you will come to my place.” She offers Lexa a small smile, placing a hand on her shoulder. “And then you’re gonna meet a person who is willing to see you again.”

“Only if you promise me this person isn’t Clarke.”

Raven crosses her index fingers in front of her mouth, kissing it.

“I promise it, sis. So you’re game?” Lexa nods twice, her tiredness more evident now. “Now go take a shower because you’re stinking.”

Lexa opens her mouth to disagree but she inhales deeply first and okay, maybe I need a shower. 

 

“But Rae, I wanna talk to her.” Clarke places both hands on the back of her head, staring angrily at the brunette. “Why don’t you let me talk to her?”

“Don’t you dare to yell at me, Griffin.” She is standing in the middle of Clarke’s kitchen, her arms crossed in front of her chest and her voice low. “In case you didn’t notice I’m trying to clear the mess you made. So don’t act as if I’m playing against you because it isn’t the case.”

Clarke places both elbows over the kitchen counter, dropping her head on her hands and taking a deep breath.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She takes a deep breath before looking at her friend again. “I miss her. I miss her every second of my day and kill me to know it was all my fault.” She shakes her head, a few tears rolling on her cheeks. “How a fight about an armchair turned into me breaking our hearts and ending our relationship?”

Raven sighs, uncrossing her arms and walking towards Clarke, putting her into a hug as soon as she is at arm’s reach.

“You know it wasn’t just a fight about an armchair, Clarke. You were feeling insecure about living with Lexa for months and, in true Clarke Griffin style, you refused to talk about it.” She caresses Clarke’s back affectionately. “You repressed your emotions so hard and it was the reason a silly fight became the ending of your relationship.”

Clarke nods against Raven’s chest before leaning back and locking eyes with her, the back of her hand wiping her cheeks clean.

“I don’t understand why she doesn’t wanna talk to me, though. Isn’t she missing me? She doesn’t wanna try to fix things?”

“You said pretty awful things to her, Griff. You made her believe that you don’t want a life with her.” She tilts her head, smiling sadly at the blonde. “Try to keep your shit together while I try to help her figure things out, okay?”

Before Clarke could agree with Raven Jake is stepping into the kitchen and smiling at her.

“I’m ready, kiddo.” He stands next to Clarke, throwing an arm over her shoulder and placing a kiss on the side of her head. “I’ll talk to Lex and let her know you love her very much.” He leans back and wipes Clarke’s tears, kissing her forehead. “Everything is going to be fine, pumpkin.”

Clarke just nods, accepting Raven’s embrace before walking towards the living room and lying on the couch, her eyes fixed on the ceiling.

“I love her so much.”

Raven opens the door and grins at the brunette who is standing at the doorstep, looking less like a zombie and more like a human being.

“Look who made an effort to look like an average human being.” She wraps Lexa in a tight hug, not even minding when the brunette waits a couple of seconds before hugging back. “I’m glad you came, Lex.” Lexa nods, stepping back and then entering the house. She takes a peek at the living room before looking at Raven again, whose rolls her eyes at Lexa’s hesitancy. “I promised you Griffin wouldn’t be here and she isn’t.”

She squeezes Lexa’s shoulder once and then pushes her towards the living room. The taller brunette only stops walking when she notices who is sitting on Raven’s couch.

“Jake!”

Clarke’s dad stands up, opening his arms, and Lexa walks towards her, letting him hug her tight. They spend a lot of time just hugging each other before Jake breaks it, placing a kiss on Lexa’s forehead before reaching for her hand and dragging her towards the couch.

“I’ve been missing you, kiddo.” He takes a seat, followed by Lexa, and Raven excuses herself, going to the kitchen. “I’m happy to see you again.”

“I’m happy too.” She looks at him, her brows furrowing. “I didn’t know you were in LA.”

“I arrived last weekend. Clarke needed me.”

Lexa shivers at the mention of her ex-girlfriend name, but nods twice, trying not to show the impact the simple word has on her.

“How are you, sweetheart? How are things going?”

“I’m good. I’m fine. The only issue is Fish, who is a little sad and missing her mamma.” She offers Jake a small smile, looking away when she notices his expression. “But I asked Linc and Octavia to drop him at Clarke’s now. I’m sure he is going to be happier”.

Jake smiles widely at Lexa’s words, placing a hand over her knee and patting it twice.

“It was a beautiful thing to do, Lexa. I’m sure Clarke will appreciate the gesture, too.”

Lexa nods again, looking around the room to avoid Jake's stare.

“But how are you? For real this time.”

The brunette inhales deeply, looking down at her hands over her lap. She sighs one more time, bringing her hand to the hem of her sweater before starting to speak.

“I’m having some trouble accepting we are done.” She raises her head, offering Jake a sad smile. “Basically I can’t eat, sleep or push Clarke’s words out of my mind. But I’m trying really hard to get better and that it’s all that matters.”  

“Oh, kiddo.” Jake leans towards Lexa, hugging her really tight. “She loves you, Lexa. More than anything.” He leans back and places a hand on Lexa’s shoulder, squeezing it fondly. “Clarke is a stubborn girl who doesn’t always know what to do with her emotions. A stubborn girl who was scared of the intensity of her feelings.” He reaches out to touch Lexa’s cheek and she tilts her head into it, closing her eyes. “A stubborn girl who loves you and is trying to figure out what to do with this feeling.”

Lexa shakes her head twice, opening her eyes and leaning back, wiping angrily the tears that are rolling over her cheeks.

“She wasn’t confused when she told me exactly what she wants, Jake. Or better, what she doesn’t want.” She shakes her head again, new tears streaming down her face. “If she were scared why she didn’t come and talk to me? I never pushed her, Jake. This entire moving together thing was her idea.” She stands up abruptly, one hand running through her hair while she paces around the room. “If she loves me why didn’t she try to fix things? Why she kicked me out, making me feel miserable?” She stops walking and turns to face Jake, her next words low. “If she loves me she is supposed to trust me, to bring her problems to me for us try to solve them together.” Her voice breaks and she starts to sob. “She doesn’t trust me and I can’t live with someone who can’t even talk to me.”

She starts crying harder and Jake stands up, stepping towards Lexa, but she steps back, raising a hand in front of her body.

“I can’t, Jake.” She shakes her head, her hands trying clumsily to wipe the tears away. “I can’t.”

A worried Raven soon joins them, standing next to Jack and staring at Lexa.

“It’s okay, kiddo.” Jake smiles fondly at Lexa, nodding at her. “You’re hurting and you have the right to be angry right now. To be doubtful. But at least think about talking to Clarke one more time. I think you both need and deserve it.”

“I don’t know.” She wipes her tears, turning to walk towards the door. She stops on the doorstep but doesn’t turn as she speaks. “I’ll think about it.”  

When Clarke finally lies on her bed she feels exhausted. She knew Lexa wouldn’t run straight back to her arms after talking to her dad, but a part of her expected Lexa would at least agree to talk to her so when her dad didn’t bring her good news she felt as if another part of her was dying.

She feels Fish’s little pawls pressuring against her side, interrupting her trance, and smiles, reaching out to pet his belly. She stares at the ceiling for a long time before reaching out to pick up her phone. She stares at the screen for a few minutes before deciding that it’s time to show at least some gratitude for Lexa’s efforts, because despite the fact she is still feeling miserable, Fish’s presence made things more bearable.

Thank you for letting Fish crash him tonight. 

She places her phone over her chest and keeps staring at the ceiling, waiting for the device to vibrate at some point during the night.

Lexa is going through her emails when her phone beeps, indicating a new message was received.

She opens her inbox and freezes when she sees the sender, locking her phone immediately and placing it on the couch. She stands up and walks towards the kitchen, starting to make some green tea while trying to decide if she should read Clarke’s message.

When she sits on the couch again, with a steaming mug in one hand, she had already decided that yes, she should read it because despite the fact that Clarke has been calling her non-stop for eight days now she didn’t send any messages to her, so it could be important.

She smiles a little when she spots the message.

Thank you for letting Fish crash here tonight. 

The next few minutes are spent trying to decide what to answer to Clarke before deciding for something almost cold but polite.

You’re welcome. It’s not a big deal. 

Clarke’s reply is almost immediate.

It IS a big thing, so thank you. (PS: you should eat something, and sleep a little too. You know what’s your immunity like when you don’t do it.) 

She sighs sadly, because she really doesn’t know what to reply this time. Clarke is worried about her and this makes her feel funny things, but at the same time she is angry at herself for feeling these things. The blonde screwed things pretty badly and she doesn’t want to feel any kind of happiness because of her concern.

So she just stares at the screen for a long time. But her delay worries Clarke, and her next messages are kind of a mess. 

Will you talk to me sometime? I’m trying to not pressure you but I’m losing my damn mind.  

I just wanna to know if we could talk and try to fix things. I know I don’t have the right to ask you anything but I’d really like it.  

I don’t know what to say or do, Lex. But I do know I really miss you. 

She presses a hand over her temple, glancing at her phone two times before finally starting to type.

Because her decision has been made.