Actions

Work Header

Coach Chardonnay Takes Over Oz

Work Text:

Coach Chardonnay was done for the day, and anyone else would have been exhausted. Not he; he was the epitome of strength and charisma. Nothing tired him out. Nevertheless, tryouts had been taxing, and he so wished that the students of Prospere Academy would stop using his soccer team for their drama fuelled agendas. Just today Gabrielle Cherrier had nearly crippled Jack Winters. He just wanted to train younglings to play soccer while secretly carrying out CIA missions in peace. He couldn't see what was so difficult to understand about this.

While clearing away soccer equipment, a reflection of a shiny object in the distance caught his eye. His heart leapt. Was this the proof of extraterrestrials that his CIA team had been so desperately searching for?! This would show his geocentric rivals for sure!

As he got closer, he noticed with some disappointment that they were just a pair of slippers. He was cheered up by the fact that they were rather fabulous; a delicious shade of red and shimmering like Swarovski crystals. He was already aware of how dashing and handsome he was; being the world's only Charsexual, he knew that every man, woman, non binary and intersex individual was wildly attracted to him as well as infuriatingly jealous of him. It was the cross Coach Chardonnay had to bear.

He debated with himself whether or not he should take these slippers as his own. They would certainly complement his good looks, but he was already so attractive he was the talk of the administration. Was it family friendly to expose children to such raw sexuality? Coach Chardonnay wished the administration would bother to define what "family friendly" even meant during these heated debates.

Coach Chardonnay decided, to hell with it, and tried on the slippers. They were a perfect fit. Eat your damn heart out, Cinderella. He giddily tapped the heels of the shoes together, and was about to dance around in them when he found his surroundings had changed entirely. He was in a bright and colourful village, with two swirling paths in the centre of the square. One was yellow and one was red, and the residents walking around atop these paths were so very small. Coach Chardonnay was blessed with being a perfect height, and pitied these tiny fools. They would never be on his level, literally or figuratively. He was just that awesome.

"Another human!!" one of the little people declared excitedly. Coach Chardonnay tilted his head. Any mortal knew he was above humans. One day he would shed his mortal coil and rise above them all as their new master. This was common knowledge. These Lilliputian idiots had much to learn. And they would.

"My tiny friends," Coach Chardonnay's majestic voice boomed throughout the land. He blew his whistle, raised it to the sky and continued. "A new era begins. You are all my minions now."

In the months that followed, Coach Chardonnay learned of the new land. It was called Oz, and the little people were Munchkins. Pfft, well that would have to change. Coach Chardonnay renamed the land Coach Chardonnay's Turf, and renamed all the residents, tiny people or otherwise, Coach Chardonnay's Bitches. All obeyed Coach Chardonnay. He had various flying monkey concubines and Winkies fed him grapes daily.

The residents of Coach Chardonnay's Turf, formerly known as Oz, agreed that they had never known a better and more prosperous time.

And that's the story of how Coach Chardonnay performed a hostile take-over. And everyone loved it.