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But I'm Not

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I haven't read a newspaper all the way through in a number of years; too many bad things happening. Car accidents, robberies, lost pets.


That's what I tell people, anyway. And, well, given the kind of disposition I have, they don't question me about it again.


Not that it's a lie; I'd never do something of the sort! Besides, I can't stand those pictures of the cars in the aftermath with all the twisted metal and broken glass and then they sh-sh-show the people who didn't make it out in time and I just-!


Sorry! Sorry. Got a little caught up there; happens sometimes.


Where was I? Oh, right! Newspapers.


See, we only get so many copies of the paper in Arkham; . I mean, we only used to get one copy for the whole rec room, but then between Edward wanting the crossword to himself and Joker shredding the paper in anger over them cancelling his favorite strip in the 'funny pages', not to mention Ms. Quinn & Ms. Levair making those...unique paper mache projects last month...


What? Oh, no, no; I'm fine! Really! Um, it's starting to feel a little toasty in here, though. Ahahaha...ha.


Right, yes; back on topic. Yes.


Well, the reason I can't read a newspaper to the's...well, I... nevermind.


No, really, it's silly. No need to bother yourself with an old man's ramblings.


Please, it's nothi-!


Oh, no, don't be upset with me, please. I can't st-t-stand people being upset with me, especially when you've been so nice...




Can you promise you won't laugh?






I'm scared to see myself there. No, seriously, I am. Not even those little gossip columns on the sides of the pages, and the front page is just the worst! If I see my picture anywhere in the print, I put the newspaper back on the table and dare not look at it again.


I can't stand the way people talk about me and Mr. Scarface there. Well, actually, they don't talk about the boss much. Even though he's the one that makes all the plans and gives all the orders and does just about everything for the boys and me. I'm pretty useless with a gun, let me tell you. Despite all that, they talk like Mr. Scarface isn't even real. 


Which means every word people like Ms. Vale or Mr. Knox use to describe Mr. Scarface and the things we do together...they're actually talking about me.


'Psychotic, diabolical, conniving, dissociative identity, murderous, reckless, monstrous'


Monstrous! They call me a monster!


But I'm not!