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Hunting for Honey

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Joker frowned.

He was lying on his back with warm sunshine warming his face. He didn’t open his eyes, though he tried to figure out where he was because he had no recollection of arriving outside, and during the day no less!! He shuddered at the notion. Sunlight, yuck! He shifted his arms and legs slightly. He wasn’t tied down and it felt as if he lay on a grassy hill. He opened his hands wide, pressing his ungloved fingers into the ground. Yep, he felt dirt and grass, no concrete, asphalt or gravel, and he wasn’t wearing gloves! Ew.

Joker sniffed; all he could smell were flowers, grass and clean air. He frowned in disappointment already missing the smog, urine and trash that usually made up the smells of Gotham.

He frowned deeper in confusion and annoyance before he opened his eyes.

He was indeed lying in a field of grass and wildflowers. The sun was golden, the sky had a warm reddish glow that indicated that it was near the end of the day with just a few wispy clouds in the sky. It was the sort of later afternoon that children dream of, where the weather was just right and dreams were possible. It was disgusting.

Joker sat up continuing with his brows knitted together in a scowl. He looked down at himself. He was wearing a very nice suit in a style that looked to be around 1940’s. The material was a deep blue. His scowl deepened; it wasn’t purple or any other pretty color! It was, he concluded, dull. He hated dull! But the oxfords were nice and stylish, black and white, and while he would have preferred spats, these were quite nice. He grinned and bounced his feet back and forth, clicking the shoes together.

He turned his focus from the shoes to his surroundings once more. Joker realized he was near a wooded area; he could see a bubbling brook with bright blue water with a little wooden covered bridge that ran over it, and large ancient trees beyond.

Joker looked surprised to see that in one of the trees was Harley. He blinked and stared at her. She was hanging upside from the branch of a tree swinging herself gaily back and forth. She was wearing what looked to be a school girl outfit with the dangerously short white, red and black plaid skirt (that was currently upside down, showing the miniscule white ruffled panties she was wearing.) She had on a too tight white shirt with a tie that matched her skirt, knee socks, and little black penny loafers. Her blonde hair was pulled into pigtails. She swung by her legs, her arms out at her sides like she was hoping to take off and blowing pink bubbles with her bubblegum.

Joker pushed himself to his feet, brushing off dirt and bits of grass.

“Harley! Where the hell are we?” Joker yelled while dusting off his backside.

Harley flung herself down and landed on her feet with a squeak, her arms up in the air as if she were at a gymnastics competition and had just finished a perfect performance. She stood still for a heartbeat before her blue eyes zeroed in on him and she squealed loudly.

“Puddin!! You’re awake!!”

She rushed across the grass with another squeal, throwing herself into his arms. Joker couldn’t suppress the giggle that bubbled up as he caught her. Harley wrapped her arms and legs around him tightly. Joker giggled even more when Harley started to kiss him, covering his face in butterfly kisses before she attacked his mouth, her tongue sliding between his lips. He growled in delight; she tasted like bubblegum and strawberries.

Joker chuckled and fell back down to the grass, happy to have her on him, returning her vigorous kiss just as passionately. Harley made a soft moan, grinding her body on his. Joker ran his hands down her torso, under the short skirt to rub his hands over her firm, yet currently panty covered rear. He growled softly again, biting gently at her mouth.

Harley responded with vigor, reaching between them to yank on his tie, pulling it loose. Her nimble fingers quickly followed by running down the buttons of his vest and shirt, pulling them free to run her hands over his pale chest, making soft noises like a hungry cat.

Joker responded, doing the same to her, pulling away her tie and sliding the buttons of her school shirt through the holes, pulling the shirt free of the skirt at the same time until the shirt was hanging open. He grinned--she wasn’t wearing a bra! Happy days! His delight was clear as he reached his hands up to cup and squeeze her soft, creamy breasts, and brush his palms over her pink, pert nipples.

Harley giggled running the flat of her tongue along his cheek to his ear where she whispered. “Make love to me puddin. Fuck me…”

Joker’s eyes rolled heavenward as a goofy grin spread across his red lips. He squeezed her breasts gently, his thumbs stroking over her nipples. “Oh well, if you insist, I guess I can be persuaded to do Satan’s Mambo with my sweet little pumpkin pie. You know, since I’m a big softy and all.”

Harley giggled happily and wiggled away from him to sit back on his knees. She worked quickly to undo his slacks. Joker grinned watching her, the little skirt she wore was shoved up her thighs. Hints of the frilly white panties underneath made his groin ache; his erection was already rock hard between squeezing her breasts and feeling her body on his...She always had that effect on him.

Harley purred. “OOoh puddin, you’re not soft at all.”

Joker laughed. “Oh, that’s so true!” He reached down and tugged her ponytails gently. “You know Harls, I didn’t realize I had a schoolgirl fetish until now,” Joker mused watching her. “There is definitely something uniquely invigorating about that tiny little skirt, tight shirt, and those panties.” He smirked and wagged his green eyebrows at her.

Harley glanced down at him through her lashes with a playful smile on her face. Joker’s smile widened. Hmm, he thought, he did so love her smile.

Once she had his erection free, exposed to the cool, late afternoon breeze, she wrapped her hand around him and squeezed gently. She sucked the side of her bottom lip between her teeth, gazing at him with hungry blue eyes, her hand moving up and down slowly, her thumb stroking over the head of his erection in a firm caress.

Joker groaned, his head dropping back, his hands dropping into the grass to grab at the greenery, grinning stupidly when his body tightened with pleasure. “Though I should have known I had that fetish considering I have always loved your pigtails.”

Harley purred, sliding down a little lower on her puddin, forcing him to spread his legs so she could lie between them in order to drag her tongue across the head of his erection. Joker’s head popped back up to watch her. Harley smiled at him, making a show of rolling her tongue around the head of his erection, the very tip of her tongue sliding along the now sticky end. He groaned loudly, his pelvis lifting with a little thrust of pleasure. Her tongue was soft, her saliva cooling against his erection as she lowered her mouth to press her lips along his length, sucking her way up slowly.

Joker brushed one hand against his hip before he reached up to caress her head, his fingers sliding down along her cheek just as she lowered her mouth on him, taking all of him in. Joker made a funny sound, half groan, half gasp. The sucking feeling of her lips moving upward, her tongue sliding back and forth made his hips jerk, especially when her fingers slid down to stroke his testicles with a light, tickling touch.

Joker groaned with pleasure, one hand resting on Harley’s head, the other across his chest, his fingers twisting with each new lick or suck until he though he just might die, which right then and there he decided if he was ever going to die (which he had no plans on ever doing, talk about boring and sad, just not for him and Harls), this was how he wanted to die--being sucked on by Harley.

He giggled at his thought, the quick image of him, old and in a wheelchair with Harley on her knees in front of him sucking away had him in stitches!

Harley ran the flat of her tongue up his length slow in a particularly delicious stroke that sent goosebumps racing over his pale skin.

Her head popped up, a gorgeous smile on her pretty face. “You ready for me Mistah J? Because I need you right now.”

Joker motioned at her with both hands. “Come and get it kiddo!”

Harley squealed, stood up, and shimmied out of her frilly panties. Joker was delighted when she left everything else on--the socks, her penny loafers, her cute little skirt and her shirt, hanging open with her delightful full and creamy breasts out. Yep, he really did have a schoolgirl fetish (well, for Harley in a schoolgirl outfit anyway.) Interesting to know he thought, but quickly all thoughts were chased away as Harley positioned herself over him.

She didn’t come down resting on her knees though. She held him steady and slowly squatted down.

Joker thought his eyes would cross watching her sit down on him, his erection disappearing into her, her legs spread wide so he could see everything. The sight of his pale member sliding into her soft, warm pink body had him groaning loudly. He grabbed her knees with both hands, holding on as he fought not to climax right that moment. He squeezed her knees hard; the tension in his body, the burn in his groin was almost too much, but he was able to control himself--barely.

Harley hissed with pleasure when she slid down on him, but she held still when he grabbed her knees, waiting until he relaxed a little before she began to move. She placed her hands on his chest and started to bounce, thrusting her hips up and down. Joker gasped, his fingers tightening on her knees.

Harley arched her back with a groan, shifting from energetic bounces to sliding thrusts that had him weak with intense pleasure rippling through him in waves. He dropped one hand down between her legs, his thumb finding her clitoris. He pressed gently, made his Harley shudder before he stroked her clitoris up and down, alternating with little circles against her. Harley dropped down around him with a moan. She came, washing over him, slick and wet. The sound of her body sliding onto him had Joker sucking on his bottom lip, his brow furrowed, as ripples of delight rushed over him.

Harley suddenly got up. leaving him to pout, but before he could say a word, Harley slid herself back down on him with her back to him. Joker growled, shivering with pleasure. He reached up and grabbed her waist, reaching down to grab the corner of her skirt, holding it up so he could watch as her rear moved slowly up and down, the wet sound of his erection disappearing into her again, her rear pressing down on him...he dropped his head back with a low moan. She felt so damn good. He thrust his hips up, his fingers pressing into her warm flesh. Harley leaned forward to grab his knees, bouncing her hips up and down on him. The wet sucking sound made Joker’s entire body jerk, but then she suddenly leaned back, pressing her back against his chest.

Joker grinned, wrapping one arm around her, his hands sliding down between her legs, gathering her skirt up in order to allow his fingers to stroke her again, while his other hand wrapped around one of her breasts. He squeezed her breast, catching her nipple between his finger and thumb, stroking the sensitive, pink flesh. Harley rolled her head to the side, catching his mouth with hers, her tongue thrusting into his mouth. Joker made a muffled groan, kissing her at the moment she climaxed. Her body bowed against him, her cries muffled against his mouth. Joker continued to stroke her clitoris, playing with her nipple while thrusting his hips upward, his erection thrusting into her in small bursts, her body squeezing him until he could stand it no longer.

He gasped, flooding her with his climax. He thrust until he couldn’t move any longer, his entire body tensing only to fall back to earth completely spent.

Joker giggled, lying limply on the grass, his arms around Harley as she blew a bubble with her bubblegum. It popped and Joker sighed contently. “That was fantastic.”

Harley laid her cheek against him, kissing the side of his mouth tenderly. “Hmmm, it was puddin, very fantastic.”

The two of them remained as they were, their breathing slowing down, sharing the warmth of their bodies, their bodies still connected. Joker stroked his fingers along her stomach and between her breasts lazily, thinking that maybe, just maybe this wouldn’t be such a bad spot for a nap when Joker heard a soft, slightly confused voice murmur.

“I like just wearing a shirt too.”

Joker’s head popped up with a frown. He looked past Harley’s mostly naked body to see a small, fuzzy, yellow stuffed bear in a red shirt standing near his feet, watching the two of them with a slightly perplexed expression. The bear looked at them, head tilted to the side slightly. Harley was sprawled on top of Joker, with all her exposed, sticky, with him still inside her. The bear didn’t look the least bit disturbed as he looked up at the sky.

“I like the way the wind feels on my tummy, it gives me a tickling feeling.”

Joker frowned in confusion before he whispered. “Pooh?”

The bear turned his attention back to Joker. He nodded and smiled. “Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, but my friends call me Pooh.”

Joker sat up, slipping out of Harley while at the same time trying to yank her skirt down and her pull her shirt together for her. Harley made a little squeak, only seeming now to notice the stuffed bear. She rolled off Joker, pulling her shirt closed.

Pooh smiled. “I don’t suppose either of you would have any hunny on you, would you?”

Joker leaned back and pulled his pants up frowning at the bear. “No, I don’t have any honey.”

Harley giggled grabbing her panties. She turned her back on the bear, pulling them up before she turned around. “Oh hey Pooh ,whatcha up to?”

Joker frowned at Harley while he was buttoning up his shirt. “You know Pooh bear?”

Harley giggled while buttoning her own shirt. “Of course I do puddin, we’re all good friends, remember?”

Joker frowned. Only now did it occur to him that it was odd that he was having a conversation with a stuffed bear from a story in the first place. Maybe he had lost a little bit more of his mind than he thought...or Batman had hit him harder than usual, but the sex with Harley had felt real enough, very real. A lopsided grin spread across his face. It had definitely felt very real. He shrugged; so maybe this was real after all. He supposed it didn’t matter as long as Harley was here too. If she wasn’t here, he would be more concerned, but, because she was, he decided he could deal with anything that happened. And who knew? It might be fun!

Pooh rubbed his tummy. “Remember Harley Quinn, you said your friend, The Joker, would help me find lots and lots of hunny from whoever it was that took it. You promised.”

Harley smiled at Joker with a shrug. “He’s right, I did promise puddin.”

Joker frowned at them both. “Hunny?”

Harley and Pooh nodded in unison with serious expressions on their faces.

Joker was knotting his tie, continuing to frown at the two of them. Harley gave him a slight pout, blinking her pretty blue eyes at him while Pooh simply looked content to wait for however long it took. Joker watched as the bear’s expression changed and he began to slowly chase a butterfly. The chase mostly consisted in Pooh moving around in an awkward circle.

Joker glanced around, though there didn’t seem to be anything about but golden sun, cool breezes, a meadow, and trees. Lots of trees.

He sighed turning back to Pooh. “Fine, so where do we find some honey?”

Pooh frowned. “Not that I think about it, I think my hunny was stolen.”

Joker frowned incredulously. “Who would steal honey?”

Pooh touched his paw to his chin, lightly tapping his round paw against his equally round chin, gazing both contently--and with a slightly confused expression--at the sky in thought. “Well, I do think it may have been either a heffalump, or a woozle. They are very mysterious and sly creatures, or, at least that’s what Tigger always says. Oh, and they like to steal hunny. Rabbit might know more about them, Rabbit or Owl...they know a lot of useful things...and unuseful...things...” Pooh seemed to lose the train of his thoughts as a little, fat bumblebee buzzed around his nose.

Joker glanced at Harley. “Rabbit? Owl?”

Harley nodded with a smile. “Well, a stuffed rabbit, but he does grow the best carrots and Owl knows a lot of words.”

Pooh wandered off a little ways following the bumblebee.

Joker frowned. “What’s a Tigger?”

Harley and Pooh (who had lost his bee and came wandering back) both said in unison. “Tiggers are bouncy, flouncy...and there is only one.”

Joker looked between the two of them, wondering if he was dead or particularly high. He wasn’t sure which possible answer was funnier. He shrugged; at the moment he supposed neither answer mattered.

“So a heffalump or woozle….they sound really horrible.” Joker giggled. “And possibly a lot of fun.”

Pooh frowned with a confused expression. (Joker thought that maybe the bear was high too.) “I’m not sure how much fun they are.”

Joker sighed placing his hands on his hips and rocking on his feet. “All right, let’s start with this Rabbit person, but before we set out, I need a knife. If these creatures are as bad as you say, it’s always good to be armed. A knife is great...unless you have a submachine gun?”

Pooh frowned looking up at Joker. “What’s a knife?” The little bear frowned deeper. “What’s a sub macallit?”

Joker glanced at Harley pointing at Pooh with his thumb. “Is he serious?”

Harley tapped her chin with one finger. “I don’t think Pooh is ever very serious…”

Pooh interrupted her. “I find being serious makes me hungry.”

Harley giggled at Pooh before turning her attention back to Joker. “But I do believe he doesn’t know what a knife or a submachine gun is puddin.” Harley shrugged reaching up to straighten her pony tails.

Joker rubbed a finger over his bottom lip in thought. “Do you have something you use to spread honey on bread?” he asked glancing down at Pooh.

Pooh frowned into the void before he nodded. “I believe I do. Though I do prefer to eat hunny with my paws. Rabbit always insists on spreading it on bread, which I think just musses up the hunny. I like Rabbit. He uses short easy words, like “How about lunch?” or “Help yourself Pooh.” Pooh smiled at both of them before he turned and began to walk. “Follow me.”

Pooh wobbled toward the woods.

Joker frowned again; he really didn’t like frowning quite so much. “Where are we going?”

Pooh’s voice drifted back to them. “My house.”

Joker sighed and put his arm out. Harley squealed with excitement, hurrying over and taking his offered arm, wrapping her arms tight around his arm. She leaned her head against his shoulder for a moment and gave him a bright smile.

“Don’t worry puddin, I’m with you.” Harley beamed at him.

Joker smiled back at her. Harley’s smile always made him feel calmer. He began to walk, following the stuffed yellow bear. “So where are we going exactly pumpkin?”

Harley giggled, pressing a kiss against Joker’s shoulder. “Into the Hundred Acre Woods puddin.”

Joker sighed turning back to follow the bear. “Of course we are--where else would we be going?”

*

The trio made their way through the woods, Pooh waddling side to side, occasionally chasing a butterfly while Joker began singing, his voice carrying through the woods.

“Our clothes may be Beau Brummelly

They stand out a mile --

But Brother,

You're never fully dressed

Without a smile!”

Harley giggled beside him, her head still resting on his shoulder while they walked. Joker grinned, enjoying the way his voice carried through the trees while he sang, only stopping when Pooh stopped in front of a tree with a doorway carved into the tree trunk. Over that was a sign in gold letters that read “Mr. Sanders” though the last “s” was backwards. Next to the sign was a metal bell attached to the tree.

Pooh turned and smiled at them both. “Home.”

The bear then turned and waddled inside. Joker frowned at Harley before he shrugged and said, “Home.”

The two of them followed Pooh inside.

*

Pooh’s home was furnished rather sparsely. There was a table, a mirror, a cuckoo clock, a bed, table, a rug, a cabinet, and many, many empty honey pots strewn around the room.

Pooh turned and frowned sadly at them. “I would offer you hunny, but I don’t have any.”

Joker looked around the place. Everything was made of wood, so much wood. “So, do you have a knife?” He gingerly looked inside a couple of pots that had “hunny” written on them in crayon.

Pooh shrugged. “I think so.”

Harley giggled. “Maybe I better look around for one puddin, while Pooh tells you about the honey thieves.”

Joker walked closer to Pooh, pulling out one of the tiny chairs by the table and sat down. “So, you said you thought that a heffalump or a woozle took your honey?”

Pooh nodded solemnly. “My friend Tigger told me all about them. They like to steal hunny.”

Joker nodded. “So you said.”

Joker’s attention was drawn to Harley who was bent over looking for a knife in one of Pooh’s drawers. He grinned, watching the way her backside shifted, her skirt flouncing a little bit. Pooh was still talking, but Joker hadn’t heard much.

He turned his attention back to Pooh. “What did you say darling?”

Pooh tilted his head. “Do you have a small piece of fluff in your ear?”

Joker stuck a finger in his ear and wiggled it around. “Nope, I don’t think so.”

Pooh made a small grunt and continued. “I said, heffalumps and woozles are very sly. They come in all shapes and sizes, they are quick and slick and very confusal. They come in stripes and polka dots.” Pooh spoke softly, looking around as if he were afraid of being overheard as he put a rounded paw to the side of his mouth. “They love hunny the mostest.”

Joker narrowed his eyes at the bear of very little brain. “Have you been eating something other than hunny?”

Pooh shook his head. “Oh no, I only eat hunny. And milk, and chocolate.” Pooh grinned.

Harley, who was on the other side of the room, made a little pleased squealed. “Oh I found one!”

She hurried over holding a small butter knife. Harley handed the small metal knife to Joker, took the tiny, dull blade with a frown.

“Well, this is disappointing,” he said while examining the knife.

Harley shrugged. “It’s all he has puddin. So, are we going to go see Rabbit? Or should we find Tigger? Maybe Owl?”

Pooh looked between them. “When searching for someone, it’s a good idea to determine whether the missing person is the sort of friend-and-relation who settles on one’s nose, or the sort who might get trodden on by mistake.”

Joker narrowed his eyes with a lifted eyebrow. “Who are you talking about?”

“Oh, my friend Piglet,” Pooh said softly. He started to waddle toward his door. “You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

Pooh opened the door and waddled outside. Joker made a face watching the bear walk outside. He turned back to Harley with a frown.

Harley giggled looking over at Joker. “Well, he isn’t wrong.”

Joker shook his head. “This is really weird even for me.”

*

Together the three of them once more set out across the woods. Harley skipped ahead, doing cartwheels and spins, her little skirt fluttering and flipping, showing off the cute little ruffled panties she wore underneath her skirt. Joker grinned as he watched her; she looked adorable and sexy all mixed into one.

She had just done a particularly cute--and difficult--backflip, when a streak of orange and black dashed through the trees and hit Harley in the chest, knocking her back. She fell with a squeak and a burst of dried leaves.

“Eep!!” Harley squealed and disappeared into the leaves.

Joker pulled out his butter knife and raced forward. “HARLEY!!” he exclaimed, only to skid to a halt when he saw her laughing, on her back with what looked like a small stuffed tiger on her chest.

Pooh only sort of ran to chase after Joker (more of a wobbling shuffle) until he was standing beside Joker.

“Oh, hello Tigger,” Pooh said softly.

Tigger giggled. “Heya Pooh!! Harley!! Who’s this guy in the suit?”

Joker frowned wondering if he should find it weird that these creatures seemed to know Harley.

Pooh answered. “This is Harley’s Joker--Joker, this is our friend Tigger. Tigger--this is a Joker.”

Tigger, still sitting on Harley’s chest looked Joker up and down with narrowed eyes. “This guy looks ssuspecious.”

Joker grinned followed by a laugh. “Oh well thank you Tigger. I am very suspicious.”

Tigger smiled. “Oh nevermind, I do like his laugh!”

Tigger laughed then, which caused Joker to laugh, which caused Tigger to laugh more, and so on until Harley groaned. “Will you two stop please! I have a Tigger on my chest!”

Joker smiled. “Sorry sweets.”

Tigger looked down at her and bounced a little. “It’s a comfy chest too!”

Joker’s eyes narrowed immediately and his expression turned slightly sour, which he shot at Tigger.

“We are looking for my hunny Tigger. We were on our way to visit with Rabbit,” Pooh said slowly. “Maybe he’ll invite us to lunch.”

Joker sighed. “Pooh, we are searching for your missing honey, not eating.”

Pooh sighed sadly. “Oh, well, that’s too bad.”

Tigger hopped off of Harley and proceeded to bounce around on his tail. “Why go talk to old Rabbit! I know who has your hunny Pooh! Them Heffalumps and Woozles!! They steal hunny!”

Pooh nodded. “I do remember you telling me that...I think...but we thought Rabbit might be able to help us find them.”

Tigger frowned, while bouncing in a circle. “Maybe! Let’s go see Rabbit!! Great idea! Glad I thought of it!”

Pooh smiled. “That is a good idea Tigger.” Pooh dropped his voice to a whisper. “I’m hoping he has some hunny.”

Joker reached down to take Harley’s hand, helping her to her feet while speaking to Pooh. “You do seem to have an obsession with honey, my friend.”

Pooh grinned while rubbing his tummy. “Well, when I’m rumbly in my tummy I crave something good to eat, and nothing is better than hunny.”

Harley giggled happily wrapping her arms around Joker’s waist. Joker absently put his arm around her while he frowned in thought, tapping his chin before he began to count off on his fingers. “Well there are a lot of things better than honey: murder, mayhem, gunpowder, Harley in her jester’s suit, dynamite, shooting random people, sex with Harley, a good smile, fighting Batman, licking whipped cream off Harley, a well-fitted suit, colorful socks, licking Harley in all sorts of places,” (Harley squealed and giggled at this one) “...popcorn, Harley’s ruffled panties. None of these are in order mind you…a pair of really wonderful pointed shoes, Harley in a short skirt, cotton candy, taking Batman’s precious car and having sex with Harley in it is a twofer!” Joker laughed happily.

Pooh exchanged a look with Tigger, putting his paw to his mouth as if to whisper, though his voice was quite loud he asked. “What’s a Batman?”

Tigger looked at Pooh confused. “What’s a Harley?”

Harley gasped. “Tigger, that’s me!”

Tigger eyed her. “Have I met you before?”

“You just bounced me.” Harley frowned.

Tigger grinned. “Oh yeah, I remember you now. You have a chest full of fluff!”

Harley giggled again.

Joker sighed. “All right my merry band of...whatever you are. Let’s go talk to this Rabbit about catching your honey thieves, shall we?”

Pooh nodded. “A Very Clever Brain can catch a Heffalump, if only he knows the right way to go about it.”

Joker narrowed his eyes at Pooh for a split second before he sighed and shook his head. “Lead the way Pooh.”

*

It wasn’t long before the four friends came across a clearing where a small garden sat near a hole in the ground with a little sign over it that read: “Rabbits Howse.”

In the small garden, a yellow and white stuffed rabbit was working hard at pulling out carrots from the ground. The rabbit was singing happily to himself completely unaware of the four people now standing at the fence watching him.

Joker crouched down next to Pooh, though his gaze was still on Rabbit. “He seems a little stiff. Reminds me a bit of Commissioner Gordon.”

Pooh narrowed his eyes at Rabbit as he leaned closer to Joker and whispered back. “What’s a commissioner gordon?”

Joker shook his head. “Nevermind.” Joker stood and waved. “Hey Rabbit!”

The yellow rabbit jumped high in the air, dropping some of the carrots he had been holding in the same instant he spun around, saw the four people at his fence and shrieked. He glared at the four of them standing at the fence that surrounded his garden. “Pooh! Tigger!! Harley!! What do you want? And who’s that?!” Rabbit pointed an accusing finger at Joker.

Joker frowned. “Why does everyone know Harley and not me?”

Harley patted him on his shoulder. “It’s okay puddin.” She hopped up on her toes and kissed him on the cheek.

Joker shook his head. “I feel like something about all of this really should be bothering me more than it is.”

Pooh climbed through the fencing, which consisted of large, loosely placed bits of wood while Tigger simply bounced over and rushed over to crash into Rabbit, knocking the poor animal onto his back. Tigger sat on Rabbit and leaned down close, Tigger’s nose touching Rabbit’s nose.

“Hello Rabbit!” Tigger grinned.

Pooh waddled over. “Is it lunchtime yet?”

Joker hopped over the fence, turning around to take Harley’s hand and help her over while groaning over his shoulder. “Pooh, we are not here for lunch! We’re here to ask questions about the heffalumps and woozles.”

Tigger hopped off Rabbit, to instead hop around the garden while Rabbit stood up dusting himself off. He had just started to gather his carrots back up when Rabbit yelped holding the few carrots he had in his hand to his chest as if they were precious pieces of gold. “Heffalumps and woozles are about??? Why didn’t anyone warn me?!”

Pooh frowned. “We’re warning you, now.”

Joker sighed. “This is like talking to my henchmen.”

Harley, who was standing in front of Rabbit’s little scarecrow, glanced over her shoulder and giggled. “A little bit puddin.”

Pooh frowned. “What are henchmen?”

“Nevermind.” Joker sighed. His desire to stab something, even with a dull knife, was growing. “So Rabbit, what do you know about these nefarious heffalumps and woozles?”

Rabbit frowned and continued to clutch his carrots. “Why are you asking me?!”

Joker pointed at Pooh. “Pooh said you would know all about them, or at least about his missing honey.”

Rabbit frowned at Pooh. “His missing hunny probably has more to do with him eating it all and now he’s here for mine!”

Pooh smiled. “Do you have some hunny Rabbit?”

Rabbit glared at Pooh. “No I do not, not after the last time you came to visit. You ate and ate until you got stuck in my door!”

Joker snickered looking down at Pooh. “You got stuck in his door?”

Pooh nodded. “I did. I had to wait until I was skinny again before they could pull me out. It was very boring and no one would let me have any hunny.”

Joker frowned. “All very interesting, Pooh, but the honey…”

Rabbit frowned then shrugged. “Well, if Pooh’s hunny really is missing, a heffalump or woozle is the most likely culprit.” Rabbit looked around then leaned forward speaking softly as if he were afraid of being overheard. “We could set a trap and capture it--or them.”

Tigger bounced up and down in excitement. “Woohoo!!! Yes!! We need to capture them!!”

Joker rubbed his chin with a glance at Harley. “What do you think my dear?”

Harley smiled. “I think capturing them might be fun. We can torture the answers out of them puddin!” She clapped her hands as she hopped in place.

Joker nodded. “I think you might be correct my dumpling. A trap, and then, interrogation…”

Joker laughed. “I do so love a good interrogation!”

Harley laughed along with him. “Oh I know you do puddin, and you are just so good at them!”

She wrapped her arms around him, hopping up on her toes to kiss his cheek. Joker beamed under Harley’s attentions.

A boisterous Tigger joined in bouncing up and down in place. “Tigger’s love interrogations too!”

Pooh looked at Rabbit with a small frown. “What are they so happy about? And what’s an interrogation?”

Rabbit looked slightly frightened. “I don’t know Pooh, I don’t know.”

Pooh looked perplexed, but said, “As long as there is hunny at the end, I might like it too.”

Joker grinned at the bear reaching down to rub Pooh’s head. “Well my dear bear, if done correctly, a good interrogation can get you anything you want.”

Pooh nodded sagely. “I would very much like it to be lunchtime.”

*

After a bit of confusion, with Joker doing his best not to bark orders. (Whenever Joker became frustrated, Pooh would simply go still and stare off into space while tapping the side of his head muttering to himself. “Think, think…” Tigger would start bouncing around, bouncing off the walls--literally--the floors, Harley, and any surface he could find as if his entire blood system was made of sugar (or rather, his fluff) while singing about how wonderful he was. Joker had to respect Tigger’s complete confidence and admiration for himself. Plus the bouncy Tigger had a really fantastic laugh. He felt he and Tigger had a real connection. And lastly, Rabbit would refuse to do anything if Joker didn’t stop yelling. Rabbit would simply sit down and mutter to himself about never inviting anyone over for lunch ever again.) But after a few minutes of disorder, their small group had what Joker hoped would be enough to capture one of these creatures everyone seemed so scared of. Joker frowned looking at the assembled pieces to their heffalump and woozle trap. They had wooden barrels, rope, a shovel, nails, a butterfly net, a tennis racket (that one made Joker frown in confusion. Why would stuffed animals have a tennis racket in the woods? But then he reminded himself that he was spending his time building a trap to capture weird creatures called heffalumps and woozles with a group of stuffed animals. So a tennis racket was the least weird thing happening at the moment).

“So my dear fluff-filled friends, where should we set up our trap?” Joker asked looking over his new gang.

Pooh put up his round hand. “We should use hunny for the trap.”

Joker sighed. “Isn’t that why were are trying to trap one...the lack of honey?”

Pooh frowned in confusion. “We are? No hunny...that’s very sad.”

“We are what?” Joker wished he had a gun because he was fairly confident shooting Pooh at the moment would make him feel better.

Tigger laughed. “We’re trying to catch one!! So we can interrogate it!! Tigger’s love interrogation!”

Harley giggled at the animals, then smiled at Joker. “There’s a clearing not too far from here, maybe we should set the trap up there puddin?”

Joker smiled reaching out to caress Harley’s jaw, guiding her closer to kiss her lips. Harley purred softly wrapping her arms around his shoulders deepening the kiss. For the moment hunting mythical creatures faded away as his attention was focused on exploring as much of Harley’s mouth as he could with his tongue.

The three animals watched them with Rabbit making a disgusted face. “That’s can’t be sanitary.”

Pooh tilted his head. “Do you suppose he might be looking for hunny on her teeth?”

Tigger shuddered. “Tigger’s do not like...whatever that is.”

Joker sighed happily rubbing his nose against hers before he returned his attention to their little group of animals. “All right--to the clearing!!” With Harley leading the way (which Joker liked quite a bit, since she kept doing flips and somersaults along with a great deal of prancing, which had her school girl skirt flipping and twirling, showing off her little ruffled panties) their little group made their way to a clearing in the middle of the Hundred Acre Woods.

*

After several minutes of trying to set up a net, with the animals continuing to make the entire process unnecessarily complicated, they had their trap set up, a net in the trees designed to drop down once a heffalump or woozle wandered into the clearing and set off the trip rope that ran along the forest floor. Now all they needed was bait.

Joker rubbed his chin in thought. “So what to use for bait since we are lacking honey…”

Pooh added thoughtfully. “We usually use Piglet, but he isn’t here.”

“What’s a Pig...you know, nevermind,” Joker muttered.

Tigger bounced up and down. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and catch a jagular!!”

Joker glanced sideways at Harley. “What’s a jagular?”

Pooh spoke up. “Well, jagular’s always calls HALOOO...and when you look up, they drop on you.”

Joker frowned then muttered. “I need a cigarette.”

Harley pointed at a very large oak tree. “We need to hurry up and hide before one or two comes along.”

Rabbit frowned. “Maybe we could use Tigger.”

Tigger looked affronted. “Heffalumps and Woozles doesn’t like Tiggers! We are too full of bounce.”

Pooh said softly. “Maybe we could use some of Rabbit’s carrots.”

“My carrots!! But…” Rabbit looked frazzled, but Joker nodded. “Carrots it is.”

*

A few minutes later, the trap was set with a nice pile of shiny orange carrots in the center of their net trap. Their small group was all hidden behind one tree. Joker frowned, looking down at Pooh who had a hold of one of his legs. Tigger had a hold of Harley’s leg and Rabbit was cowering behind all of them. No sounds could be heard in the woods except for the flow of the wind through the leaves and the occasional whine or creak of branches rubbing against branches to create an eerie whine.

Joker studied the forest. He didn’t like any of this, trees, nature. He wasn’t used to this sort of hunting ground. Concrete, asphalt, and brick, that was his hunting ground. Pooh’s stomach made a loud rumble, and diverted everyone’s attention from studying the forest to him.

Pooh looked up. “There’s a rumbly in my tumbly.”

Joker opened his mouth, about to answer when everyone heard the rustle of leaves, followed by the unmistakable sounds of heavy footsteps.

Joker grinned, pressing himself against the tree before leaning out to watch their trap. “Here it comes!” he hissed with excitement.

Harley whispered. “That doesn’t sound like a heffalump or a woozle.”

Tigger, his voice shaking noticeably, whispered back. “It’s sound big.”

Rabbit murmured. “Very big.”

Pooh frowned. “I wonder if it’ll have any hunny on it.”

They all fell silent as a large black shadow entered the small clearing. It was hard to see what the creature actually looked like as its back was turned to them, but it was large and completely black. Joker frowned, his eyes narrowed. Something about it looked...familiar…

That was the moment when the trap was suddenly sprung. The net they had fixed in the branches of the tree fell on top of the creature.

Tigger yelled. “WE GOT IT!!”

The creature inside the net made a roar, thrashing about under the net. Tigger bounced around with glee while Joker and Harley each grabbed a weapon--Joker grabbing a sturdy tree branch and Harley snagged the tennis racket. Harley beat Joker to the creature, giving it a good, firm whack on its back. The monstrous shadow roared, flinging up its arms as it struggled to break free of the net.

Rabbit screamed with his hands pulling his ears down around the sides of his face. “What is it?!”

Pooh frowned, standing unconcerned next to Rabbit. “I don’t think it has any hunny.”

Joker raced forward and swung the branch he held like a baseball bat, hitting the thing under the net across...something. He couldn’t find a face; all he could see was a roiling mass of darkness when suddenly the creature let out an ear splitting howl and flung the net out.

Harley screamed.

Joker’s eyes widened as the monster rose up, long black wings snapped out on either side of its back. Long pointed ears formed on a head that had two large red eyes and a mouth full of sharp fangs. Joker looked confused. The monster they had captured looked like some sort of nightmarish Batman instead of a stuffed monster, which was what he had assumed they would be capturing.

Joker blinked in complete surprise. “Batsy?”

Tigger was bouncing everywhere yelling at the top of his fluffy lungs. “GET IT!! GET IT!!”

The monster roared again as it reached out and grabbed Tigger in mid bounce. Tigger yelled in objection, but the monster simply tore the stuffed Tigger in half. Fuff flew everywhere in a blizzard of white. Rabbit screamed while Harley tried again to use the tennis racket to subdue the creature. The bat-like thing roared, skulking about the clearing as Joker and Harley danced around it, trying to subdue the beast. The monster reached out, snagging Rabbit just as the bunny took a step to flee. Rabbit screamed, the sound high pitched and piercing as the monster ripped Rabbit in half. More fluff littered the ground.

Joker frowned and said, “This is not what I expected to happen.”

Harley looked over at him, her blue eyes wide. “Well, this is your dream puddin.”

Joker frowned at her in confusion. “What?”

Harley ducked as the bat monster tried to grab her. “This is your dream!” she yelled again.

“My dream? Sooo...this is a dream?” Joker stopped moving, standing still as he tried to process what she was saying. He had thought it was a dream at first, but the sex had been fantastic….

Pooh muttered, “Oh bother,” just as the creature grabbed the stuffed bear. Pooh frowned. “You don’t have any hunny, do you?” he asked the monster.

The creature roared and bit down on Pooh’s head, tearing the stuffed bear’s head off his shoulders before spitting the head out. The head rolled until it stopped against Joker’s shoes. Pooh looked up at Joker with a smile. “When checking your Heffalump trap for Heffalumps, be sure to bring along a piece of string to lead them home with.”

Joker blinked. “What?”

Harley screamed.

Joker looked up to see that the bat monster had grabbed her by her waist, lifting her off the ground.

Joker yelled. “HARLEY!”

Harley turned to look at Joker. “You need to wake up!”

Joker, who had started to run toward her, slid to a stop on the dead leaves and grass, and frowned in confusion. “What?”

“You need to wake up!” she repeated. “You need to open your eyes!”

Joker’s brow furrowed. “Wake up?”

“You’re dreaming! Wake up!” Harley yelled as the bat monster leaned down, its mouth opened wide, ready to bite into her shoulder, ready to rip her apart. She glared at Joker, folding her arms over her chest in what he liked to call her “doctor” look.

“Puddin, just open your eyes.”

Joker screwed his eyes shut. “Open my eyes…”

Joker’s eyes flew open.

*

Joker looked up into the soft, loving blue eyes of Harley staring down at him. She was gently caressing his face, her fingertips moving over his cheek and jaw, then tenderly she pushed back his green hair from his forehead while she murmured softly. “Puddin, come on Puddin, you need to wake up.”

Joker frowned. “Harls? Where are we now?”

Harley smiled at first, relieved to see his eyes open before she looked confused at his question. “Now? We’re still in Arkham puddin. Remember, Batman caught us trying to turn the mayor’s home into an indoor swimming pool?” She giggled. “It was great!! All the furniture was floating by the time Batsy got there. We made the news too! I heard the TV at the guard station when the moved us past it; we are all over the Gotham local news. I bet we make the nationals too!” She grinned and went back to caressing his face. “Anyway, we got here and one of the guards hit me in the face when I called him a fat headed limp dick, and you...you sort of lost control.” Harley smiled, a soft blush on her cheeks. He could see the start of a bruise on her right cheek and a slight swelling to her bottom lip. She still looked gorgeous he thought.

Harley cooed softly. “You got really mad when he hit me...went a little ballistic. It was so romantic puddin! You killed three guards before they drugged you. They hit you with something really potent too. You dropped like a lead pipe!! Scared the hell out of me! Anyway, it had to be pretty strong I guess. Who knows how many you would have been able to kill if you hadn't had the straightjacket on at the time.” Harley giggled softly. “I can’t believe you did that for me puddin.” She leaned over and covered his face in kisses. “You are such a romantic!!”

Joker frowned having no memory of the events that Harley was talking about but he grinned pleased with himself. “Well you know I would do anything for you my poo...pumpkin pie.”

Harley cooed. “I know puddin. You are so romantic!!”

She sighed happily, caressing his hair. “They let me stay in here with you to monitor you while you were drugged. They weren’t really sure how you would react to the amount of sedatives they pumped into you. Plus, I told them if they didn’t let me stay with you, that I would make them sorry. Reminded them about that time we broke out using that spoon.” Harley grinned, a malicious gleam in her eyes. “Anyway.” She smiled back at him. “You were talking in your drugged out sleep puddin. You were saying all sorts of funny things. Something about Pooh, honey, heffalumps and woozles?”

Joker chuckled. “I had the weirdest dream Harley. I was helping Winnie the Pooh, Tigger and Rabbit set a trap for a heffalump or woozle, but instead we caught this nasty bat creature. It was all so strange…”

Harley giggled. “Was I there?”

He grinned, wiggling a little in his straightjacket. “Oh, you were!! You had on this cute little sexy schoolgirl outfit with these delightfully ruffled panties…” He giggled with a little lilt at the end of his laugh reminiscent of Tigger. “We had the most fantastic sex.” Joker stuck his bottom lip out. “I was sure it was real because the sex was so nice. In the middle of some meadow...that was a little weird since I don’t like grass, or sun...” He pouted more. “That means I didn’t get to have sex with you in a schoolgirl outfit. I feel cheated.”

Harley giggled helping him to sit up. “Oh you silly. Didn’t realize you were into that puddin.”

Joker sat up and Harley moved to start unlacing his jacket. “Neither did I,” he murmured. “It was really cute--you were really cute. Not that you aren’t cute all the time Harls, but I really liked the ruffled panties and that skirt.” He grinned at the memory.

Harley smiled and pulled the jacket down his shoulders. “Well, I don’t have a school uniform, but…”

She tossed the straightjacket aside and stood. Joker lifted a brow, a smirk forming on his red lips as he watched her strip out of her asylum orange scrubs. How she managed to make these stupid orange uniforms look so sexy he’d never understand, but he didn’t care; it worked for him.

He glanced over at the cell’s bars just once while Harley stripped. He could see the guard station just a little distance down the hall. There was the shadow of someone in there and the white noise buzz of the television. Whoever was in there looked to have their back to the cell. Good, he thought.

Joker grinned pulling off his own clothing as quickly as he could, which required him laying back and lifting up to get his pants off, (the entire process somewhat comical) tossing them to the floor in his excitement. He sat up and held his arms out to her, waiting with anticipation for a naked Harley, who squealed with delight and rushed into his arms. The old cot squealed in protest when Harley jumped into his waiting embrace. He laid back and wrapped his arms around her with delight, feeling her soft, naked body against his own. He grinned while Harley nibbled at his throat, her soft lips brushed against his ear, her breasts pressed against his chest while she ground her pelvis against him, catching his erection between the soft warmth of her body and his slender, firm stomach. He ran his hands down her smooth back feeling the creamy silk of her skin, the smooth curves of her body. He reached down and wrapped his hands around her peach of a backside and gave a tight squeeze, pressing his long fingers into soft flesh.

Harley yelped. “Puddin!”

“Sorry! Sorry Harls, you know, need to make sure this isn’t a dream!” Joker chuckled holding her close when she tried to get away. Harley wiggled a bit, which only made him more eager for her.

Harley made a face glaring down at him, leaning on her elbows, her blue eyes slightly annoyed. She had a cute pout to her bottom lip as she growled at him. “No pinching.”

Joker pouted in return, brushing his nose against hers. “Not even a little pinching?”

She glared at him for a whole second before she broke down into giggles. “You are so damn cute.”

Joker grinned brightly. “Mm...I know, my pretty pumpkin pie.”

He kissed her, sliding his tongue into her waiting mouth; she tasted like cotton candy. Harley made a soft purring noise that made his blood rush hot and fast through his body, his erection swelling against her stomach.

“Ah, Harley…” he cooed softly holding her close, dragging his tongue along her chin and down her throat. Harley arched her head back allowing him to lick his way down. She shimmied up a little, placing her breasts in the perfect position for his mouth. He grinned pressing his face between her breasts.

“Ah, the best way to be smothered to death,” he whispered against her chest,

Harley squealed and giggled softly, wrapping one hand around to cradle his head against her breasts. Joker slid his hands up her sides until he could cup the sides of her soft breasts, pressing them closer to his face. He slowly ran the flat of his tongue over her nipples, first one, then the other, circling them in slow, wet circles before he sucked at one firm nipple.

Harley moaned quietly, melting into his attentions, his tongue slipping and sliding against her nipple, an agonizing tickle that spread from her breasts to her groin. Joker smiled against her skin, the sound of her pleasure made him want her all the more. He covered her breasts in soft kisses just before he held her tight and with a little bit of an awkward shifting and twisting (the cot practically screaming in protest), Joker rolled Harley onto her back, settling his body between her legs. A look of intense pleasure rolled over his features when he felt the inviting wetness between her legs, radiating a sweet heat that he could feel begging him to thrust into her, begging him to bury himself deep inside her.

Harley giggled gazing up at him lovingly. He grinned down at her and waggled his eyebrows before he kissed her again.

Harley moaned softly, reaching up to run her hands through his thick green hair. She slid her legs up and down his long, slender legs, her feet caressing his pale skin.

“Puddin…” She whispered her little name for him, infusing the name with so much desire, so much love, that Joker groaned in response. He gently lifted one of her legs, placing it over his shoulder at the same time he wiggled up onto his knees. Joker smiled down at her, running his hand down her slender, but muscled leg, at the same time placing sweet, gentle kisses along her calf to her knee.

He grinned at her. “My poo…”

He looked down at her sex, dark pink, wet, and inviting. He loved the way she looked, her clitoris swollen with desire, glistening. He pressed his lips together on a groan before taking his erection in one hand and slowly guided the head of his erection against her, sliding up and down against her clitoris, covering himself in her sweet wetness. The expression of intense pleasure on Harley’s face made his groin tighten and ache even more, his shaft throbbing in his hand.

Harley reached up to caress his pale chest, the dim lighting made his pale white skin virtually glow. She dragged her fingers down his chest to his stomach, feeling the satin smooth feel of his skin, marred here and there by little scars he had received over the years until her fingertips brushed the base of his penis. Harley gazed at him hungrily; she loved every inch of his milk white body, wanted to touch all of him, to feel him all the time. She dragged the tips of her nails lightly along his sensitive member. Joker gave her a satisfying jerk, his hips thrusting toward her.

“I need you puddin,” Harley cooed. “I need you now.”

Joker grinned wide, the light dancing over his white teeth. “Whatever my girl wants.”

He slid into her then, both of them sharing a moan of pleasure as their bodies joined together. Joker, still on his knees, dropped down, pressing her leg all the way back. He wanted to move slowly, drag this out for as long as possible, but he and Harley both knew it was only a matter of time before someone came to check on them. So Joker thrust hard and deep, while the cot protested. Joker wrapped his hands around the sides of the cot on either side of Harley’s head, his mouth covering hers while he thrust long, deep, and hard into her, giving in to his passionate urges and just fucked her.

Harley cried out almost as soon as he entered her. Her body tightened around him trying to hold him inside her. She grabbed his shoulders and held on while Joker slammed into her hard and fast. She had never felt anything so good as him fucking her.

The cot whined and clanked.

Someone banged on the walls of the cell next to theirs. “Shut up! I’m trying to sleep.”

Harley responded by groaning at Joker. “Harder puddin! Harder!!”

Joker grinned, thrusting hard enough that their bodies slapped together, the cot practically yelling in protest with its creaking. Harley crying out as another orgasm crashed over her. She dug her nails into Joker’s shoulder. “Oh yes yes!! OH Puddin!!!

Joker groaned as he panted. Harley felt so good, so wet, so hot, and so real. He thrust harder, the sound of Harley’s groaning cries filled his ears, making him shudder. He didn’t know how long he could last, she was just so…

Joker cried out, his entire body arched into her as he climaxed. His orgasm slammed into him like the Batmobile. The orgasm felt so good, taking over his entire body, draining him, as if his orgasm had taken everything out of him, every ounce of strength.

Joker collapsed against Harley. She giggled happily wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Her kisses were sweet and soft. Joker sighed with contentment. He didn’t think he could move and he didn’t care to--buried in his pumpkin, completely spent was a perfectly fine place to be.... He was only distantly aware of a voice behind him yelling.

“Ah fuck, Joker’s awake and they’re at it again!”

This was followed by. “Should I get the hose?”

Harley giggled snuggling him close. She whispered against his ear. “As good as the dream sex in the Hundred Acres Woods?”

Joker sighed nuzzling her neck. “Infinitely better…”