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A Letter to Him

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To Scorpius,

To be honest, I don’t know how to even begin this letter.

You know me, Scorpius. I’ve never been good at introductions, or first meetings. Everything was awkward since we first met. Remember? Eleven years old at the Hogwarts Express, not knowing what’s ahead of us.

When you were facing the cruel judgements of the world you didn’t even know about, I was there. Because I knew how it felt to carry a name I didn’t choose. Rose turned her back on you, but I stayed.

I didn’t just stayed for your sweets, Scorpius. I stayed for you.

Second year when we were facing the ugly side of Hogwarts. We never liked fame, so we hid from it, avoided it like how a child would avoid a moth. We bore a title like how our fathers did. “Voldemort’s Son” and “Slytherin Squib.” A perfect combination, they said.

That was the year we faced bullying and criticism. I wasn’t like my father at all—not even engaging in Quidditch (First year when I can’t even command a broom!), being terrible at spells, failing at almost every subjects and being a bad wizard, in general. I wasn’t adventurous like my father, or fierce like my mother. I didn’t know who I was, so I found myself in you. We were each other’s solace.

And you, you faced the torment of the accusation you weren’t even involved with. A rumor so stupid it would’ve make the giant squid laugh (I suck at metaphors, don’t sue me). I want you to know that it hurt me, Scorpius. It hurt me see you like that more than a thousand bullies stabbing you in the back. I knew about your mom, and I knew what you were going through.

But you know what I regretted that time? Putting on a façade. I moped like a child because of my father, I sulked in the dormitories and I was quiet. I wish I can show you how much I cared for you. How much I love loved you. Maybe then you would realize how much you are special to me.

I didn’t know how to care for someone I loved. Why?

I was scared. I was afraid to get too attached and I feared for you more than I feared for myself. I love differently, Scorpius. Maybe that’s why I was in Slytherin. I loved you since then. I just didn’t know how to show it yet. When—when love gets real, it becomes scary.

Third year when I joined you at your mom’s funeral. I saw you cry. It felt like someone removed a part of you, and I can’t do anything to ease the sadness. I wished I could replace your tears or your despair or grief. I can’t teach you how to grieve, so all I did was to be there. When you stared blankly at the coffin, I was beside you. When we went to your room and you broke down in tears, I said nothing. Although I had said nothing, I hugged you. Tight. Maybe that deed can say everything I wanted to. I was trying to hold you together, hold the broken pieces of this broken boy to prevent him from falling apart.

Now, 4th year was the real adventure. We tried to change time—time, Scorpius! And it was all my idea! How much of a fool I have been, looking back. But it made me realize something, Scorpius. That I don’t want to lose you. Seeing you being tortured by Delphi made me angry at her. Angry at her for hurting you. For even attempting to. I was willing to do everything, Scorp. Everything--just to make your pain go away.

“Still, if I had to choose a companion to be at the return of eternal darkness with, I'd choose you.”

I haven’t said this yet, Scorpius. But I’d choose you too. If I were given a chance to change back time (which we had, apparently), I’ll not change a single thing about us. I’ll continue to choose you over and over again.

Because I love you.

Whether the world will always be against us, I’ll still love you. If the fates keep up apart and our memories fade, I’ll always love you. I was willing, back then, to fight for both of us. I was brave to take that risk for you.

Flash forward and we were 7th years. Too much has happened. Talks of girls, crushes and love circled around the school. Even you were partly interested in those gossips, but I didn’t. It wasn’t in my mind back then, for I wasn’t in a rush. We got involved in Hogsmeade dates, drank Butterbeer on the cold winter visits—but it was never too serious for me.

Your father even joked about bringing a girl to the manor sometime. We laughed about it, considering you would actually do it.

But I didn’t think you would take it seriously.

And seriously, I didn’t think that you would BRING MY COUSIN INTO YOUR FREAKING MANOR YOU IDIOT.

I went along with the flow, even teased you about it. “Woah, Scorp. I didn’t know you would actually stand to what you’ve said during 4th year!” Uncle Ron almost had a heart attack when he got the news, but his anger quickly evaporated when you said you like Chudley Cannons (you guys talked for like an hour! And I was just standing behind your back hoping you would saying something after droning on how much of a play is he, how good at flying is that and there). Aunt Hermione was less judgmental, deeming that everyone can change, and a child should not carry the mistakes his father once held. Dad was a bit pensive about it. “Out of all men!” he exclaimed.

Our days at Hogwarts came to an end, so when you woke me up at the middle of the night, I was expecting a little “graduation” celebration. After all, this was what you liked right? Celebration, gifts and candies—peppermint imps, chocolate frogs, puking pasties….literally everything! It made me smile, for after all family gatherings and all socializing, it was back to the two of us again.

You led me from the dungeons, into the hallways and out of the castle. I was surprised of what you did, because between the two of us, I’m usually the rule breaker. I thought you’d be traumatized going out of the castle after the time-turner incident. We were walking and you were dragging me and you…you held my hand. I was thankful for the shadows surrounding the castle at that time because I was blushing and I literally wanted the ground to swallow me whole.

So I guess this was a new this for us now? Holding hands? Is this another version of us?

We sat by the lake and in front of us was a beautiful scenery. It was quiet and peaceful, the way we liked it then. Away from the noisy chatter of students, away from the stares, away from the chaos. It was what I admired the most at Hogwarts—the lake. It shows us that the water is not at all that powerful, for it also sleeps in the night. Plus, you’re always friends with the giant squid that’s why it likes you.

Where was I? Oh, right. Sitting by the lake and you didn’t even bring anything. Not even chocolate frogs or just a bland sandwich. It was quiet for a moment of times, but it wasn’t deafening. It was peaceful, and it never hurt. It was a comfortable silence that ensued between the two of us.

You talked, and you started to drone on and on about the night sky. You were like a little nerd—my little nerd. You named each constellation that the night sky held—but at that time? Your eyes shone the brightest.

“You missed something,” I whispered.

“Scorpius,” you whispered back. “One of its stars make up its constellation. It’s not famous like Antares, but it is a pulsating giant star. We call it Sigma Scorpii.” You stared, and for the first time, I didn’t know the words you held in that look. “Its traditional name? Al Niyat.”

“Funny. So coincidentally, my name is also in the constellation you were named to. Huh…”

In your gaze, I saw the most beautiful grey eyes that held a series of emotions—happiness and sadness, love and regret, fullness and heartbreak.

“I don’t think it is coincidence, Albus. Remember—remember when I said that I’d choose to be with you at the return of eternal darkness? I stand to what I’d said. You’re—you’re the light to my darkness, a star to my constellation. And you might not think that now, but I want you to realize how important you are to me…”

More silence passed and I didn’t know how to respond to you. No one has ever told me those words, and they held great meaning to me as much as it did to you.

“Rose and I’s parents have a wedding in mind….they wanted me to propose to her already, so that after we graduate, we can settle and find jobs and…basically adjust to a new life.” I didn’t know what to say. Heck, I didn’t even know what to feel. I took your relationship with Rose as cool and fun. Like, the kind of dating that’s “I-like-you-but-I-don’t-like-you-enough-to-keep-it-serious” kind of way.

“We’re best friends, Al. And whatever fate has in store for us, I hope that it’s a happy ending.” You smiled bitterly, and, in the solemn silence of the night, you kissed me.

No one saw our kiss—only the stars, the darkness and the silence. And as our lips touched, tears were falling down your eyes. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t weep—all I could do was cherish the moment I have now. Our first kiss, and possibly the last.

“I don’t want you to go.” I whispered, because now it all comes flooding back. We love each other, but I don’t know which is more cruel—the fates or the people. I want to choose who to love, but apparently, judgmental people choose them for you.

“I have to.” Our foreheads were drawn together, expressions of grief on our faces.

We walked back to the castle, but this time, our hands were clasped tightly to each other. We held unto it tightly as if it’s going to vanish at any second.

Things went by so quickly. Graduation and tears of goodbyes and “I miss you’s,” the proposal, the wedding planning and job offerings. So many memories, and yet the memory of that night stayed.

Of course, I was offered an invitation for your wedding. You offered it yourself, and it was like knives stabbing into my heart. I knew you too well, I knew you were only pretending, but you know what hurts the most?

I played as the best man.

The best man for the wedding of the person I loved.

 

At the ceremony, a little tap on the shoulder was all it took, and a bitter smile.

“Can I do this?” You asked, staring into my eyes uncertainly.

“You’re ready, Scorpius. You’ve always been.” I tried with all my effort not to let my voice crack. I gave you a smile and you walked out of the door, not looking back.

“You may now kiss the bride…” 

When the priest initiated the kiss, everyone was cheering, laughing, patting each other on the back. Everyone held smile on their faces, even me. But you looked, you looked at my direction, and tears were streaming down your face. Everyone might have thought that those were tears of joy, but I know you too well, best friend.

You cried, and that’s when I realized the true reason why you kissed me at the lake. You wanted your first kiss to be special—for someone that held the most value for you. And me—I was your first kiss. And I wanted to say thank you, thank you, thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life, even just as a best friend.

I knew you. You wanted to ask me, a final permission. I gave a bitter smile, and you smiled back.

What could I do, Scorpius, but to agree? There isn’t anything we could do. The two of us, we’re the only ones that are going to fight for our love. But them? They’re more than a hundred. Hundreds of people deeming our relationship to be “incorrect” and “disgusting.” But has love ever wronged us before?

I’m sorry, Scorpius. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to fight for the love we deserve. I hope you’ll know how to love my cousin. But if we ever get a next time? If there was an alternate universe? I’ll fight for our love, and this time, I won’t let you go.

Thanks, Scorp. For everything.

And I hope you’re happy.

- I stayed for you. So why can’t you stay for me?-

Your best friend,

Albus