All Dogs Go to Heaven
Author’s Note: Enjoy the story and R&R.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to or of the Super Smash Bros. series.
Duck Hunt Dog made a name for himself ridiculing players, and Smash was just another turkey shoot. But have he and Duck Hunt Duck finally met their match in Palutena?
Be it Fox and Falco’s blasts, Samus’ energy pellets, Diddy Kong’s popgun peanuts, Snake’s missiles, or R.O.B.’s optical beams, no projectile could cross out Duck Hunt Dog’s slippery pardner, Duck. For almost three and a half decades, Dog had “graced” NES consoles and arcade cabinets everywhere, annoying gamers whenever their Zappers and light guns missed their target. His detestable snickering an international hallmark.
Smash was no different.
The setup painfully familiar, Duck flapped spryly onto the battlefield, an aerial ace charismatically weaving around bullets and fireballs. Dog was forever the judgy sideliner nobody asked for, hammering their opponents’ spirits hard with his infamous demoralizing laughter the moment his avian ally got the better of them.
Many had tried quashing his smugness. All had failed. Not even Bayonetta, the sharpest markswoman in all the realms, could keep a good team down. It brought Dog such priggish glee. His pride in Duck’s evasive capability was exceeded only by his pride in himself. How passionately hunters ached to be able to shoot that dang mutt instead! To at last shut his grating grill. Drub him till he was six feet under.
Sadly, they weren’t playing a bonus round of Vs. Duck Hunt, where shooting the fleabag was a genuine possibility. The sore losers would have to settle fantasizing about his requital off the scrimpings of urban legends.
Undefeated, the Duck Hunt Duo deemed themselves untouchable. That is, until coming up against Palutena, Goddess of Light.
“Don’t make me smite you,” she tsk-tsked, her guidance informed by an all-seeing eye and all-seeing brain.
As any competent bookie may have guessed, Duck ducked what the deity dished out. Palutena’s Autoreticles and Explosive Flames boasted homing, knockback, and range, but the bird air dodged time after time. Dog lauded her tenacity; however, his desire to prance in her tears soiled his reverence. Hence why he reserved the loudest of his laughs for when she lay utterly beat. Not even edge guarding tickled him so.
Scent hound and quacker realized too late her emissions and explosions were merely warning shots. Though a paragon of unshakable benevolence, Palutena panned Dog's fustian attitude and Duck’s enabling of his mingy tendencies, much like she resented Medusa’s loathing towards humanity, resulting in the Angel Land co-ruler’s banishment to the fiery depths.
Palutena twirled her staff, unleashing her Final Smash. "Watch this! Black Hole! And Mega Laser!"
Tumbling head over tail in the vacuity she roused, the pair became sitting ducks before the shaft of light that tore through and vaporized their rodomontading fannies.
Sent to the great beyond, they woke on the grassy knoll outside Palutena’s Temple in Skyworld…where the immortal warped and summarily performed her Final Smash a second time, roasting them alive and dead.
They immediately respawned, and Palutena launched a third attack. Then another. And another. And another. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum.
This was their divine punishment. She'd brand it into their hides. Massacre them until they learned some humility. That’d teach them!
Transfixed, an angel kicked his sandalled feet over the rim of a cloud. "Look, Viridi, there she goes again with her Mega Laser.”
The child-sized goddess scoffed, “Hurting on animals with a freaking laser? That’s an affront to nature.”
“Oh, you're one to talk. You’re a human-hating xenophobe!”
“Mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers don’t count. If I had a death ray that big, the monkeys would be eradicated! BOOYAH!” Viridi cheered. “That kind of power is wasted on Palutena.”
“And so OP. The Underworld hath no fury like Lady Palutena scorned."
“Pit…Pit…” she needled, losing interest.
“Go get me a cinnamon roll.”