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Dark Night of the Soul

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Diane slipped into her apartment slowly, inching the door closed behind her with a soft click. Placing her bag down on the floor silently, she nudged off her heels, carefully tip-toeing down the hallway toward the bedroom.

Passing by the kitchen, her heart clenched tightly. There, on the counter, sat an unopened bottle of wine and two empty glasses, their presence screaming of an evening spoiled. She let out a small sigh, her eyes closing as she paused. She’d fucked up. Again.

She crept quietly along, her stocking-clad feet barely making a sound on the hardwood floors, pausing at the bedroom door; she glanced at her watch, the late hour yet another reminder of why she was trying her hardest to remain silent.

Pushing down the handle of the door, she carefully slipped into the room, her heart pounding. She glanced toward the large bed, taking in a lump under the covers on the left-hand side, his side

She stopped dead, leaning back against the door as she watched the duvet rise and fall with his breathing, her heart aching. She loved this man so much and yet she’d screwed up another evening together.

 “Diane?” he called out gruffly, his low voice startling her.

 “Hi,” she whispered back, pressing her lips together tightly but not leaving the safety of the door. “Did I wake you?” she questioned timidly, hopefully. 

Kurt rolled over, pushing his body up to rest against the headboard as he flipped on the bedside lamp.

“Yeah,” he replied simply, malice thinly laced into his words as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Diane gulped, pushing off the door and walking nervously toward the end of the bed, her blue eyes big and apologetic. 

“Look,” she began, taking a seat on the corner of the bed, her hand reaching out hesitantly to touch his foot over the sheets. “About tonight," Diane paused, gulping to try and swallow the lump in her throat.  "I just couldn’t get away, it was important and I just-“

“It’s always important.” he snapped back, his soft voice contrasting with his hard expression.

Diane shivered, suddenly feeling like a child in the principle's office. She dipped her head; fiddling with the rings on her fingers, no longer able to meet his dark, sad eyes. 

"I’m important too, Diane." he continued in a sigh, running his hand over his face in defeat. Diane’s head jerked up in shock, her words of reassurance dying on her parted lips. "Our marriage is important." 

"Of course it is!" she gasped, her expression sincere and worried. "I know that. Of course, I know that."

"Do you?" he fired back, his eyes locked on hers. Diane felt her heart clench, her hand reaching up rest against it's raging beat. Her brow furrowed deeply, her eyes wide with shock.

"What’s that supposed to mean?"  she hissed in outrage falling back on her default defense - anger. 

"I think you know," he replied cruelly and Diane saw red, yes, she was a terrible wife, yes she'd ruined yet another date night, but he didn't have to make her feel worse about it. 

"I'm trying Kurt," she offered up after a long beat of awkward eye contact, her voice meek as her shoulders dropped in defeat.

"No you’re not, you make time for Will and work and everything but me!"

"That's not true!" she replied adamantly, her horror at the suggestion written across her expression. "You are the most important thing in my life,"

"More important than your job?" he countered with a pointed look.

"Yes," she replied, however, her voice was small and unsteady, with very little conviction behind her words.

Kurt shook his head bitterly, his smirk dark and cruel.

"Now say it like you mean it," he replied smartly and Diane felt her heart clench again. She could feel a sob bubbling up in her throat, knew that tears would soon be clouding her vision.

"I am trying" she ground out bravely, barely holding herself together.

"No, you're not. You're never here, constantly blow me off, God Diane! I can't even remember the last time we slept next to each other." Kurt's voice rose and rose, his words loud and angry and vicious as he stood from the bed. Diane gulped heavily, standing too, her own anger finally surfacing as a means to quash her heartache. 

"I'm trying! Truly! Jesus, Kurt what more do you want from me?" she shrieked, blinking back her tears as they stood toe to toe.

"I wanna have sex!" he roared, the veins in his neck bulging as his cheeks flushed red furiously. Diane's blue eyes widened, her mouth falling open slightly.

"You wanna have sex?" she repeated incredulously, her voice going up an octave in disbelief.

"Yes!" he shouted grumpily, running distressed fingers through his shaggy hair. Diane hadn't seen him quite this angry in a long time, sure they bickered but he'd never frightened her this way. "I want to have sex with my wife." he continued, meeting her eyes, his gaze direct and meaningful. Diane frowned slightly.

"We had sex two days ago?" she offered timidly.

"Oh, you mean the other morning where you pretended to be into it while mentally writing your to-do list?" he scoffed humorlessly, his usually bright, expressive eyes, dull and bitter. 

Diane’s mouth gaped slightly her eyes wide and telling. 

"Yeah, I know about that." he continued meanly before she could get a word in. "I know you Diane, I can tell when you’re with me, and when you’re planning how you’ll reschedule lunch to fit in one more deposition." 

Diane's mouth opened and closed a couple of times, her words caught in her throat as she met his gaze pitifully.

"I, I-just-" she tried, speechless. If her heart had been beating fast before, it was approaching light speed now. "Kurt-" she whispered desperately, her blue eyes swimming in tears. "We can make love now, I’m home and I promise I won’t be thinking about anything but you. I swear, let’s make love, please," her sorrowful pleas fell on deaf ears as Kurt scoffed; rolling his eyes. 

"I don’t wanna have sex now, Di." he growled in annoyance.

"But you just said-" she trailed off feebly.

With a heavy sigh, he shook his head; running his fingers through his hair as he met her gaze. 

"Not like this." he muttered sadly. "I want you to want to be with me." 

"I do. Make love to me now. I want to Kurt, I do-" she protested.

"You don’t." Diane opened her mouth to object again but Kurt cut her off holding up his hand. "You feel bad, guilty even, and you want to make it up to me." Diane shivered feeling like a chastised child. He was right. Of course, he was right and she felt awful. "I want you to want me Diane, desperately, irrationally. I want you to think about me and want to be with me. I don’t want to fuck on a schedule that's convenient, I want passion and spontaneity not pity. I want to be wanted. needed even."

Kurt met the wide eyes of his wife. He wasn't normally so vocal, never used fifteen words when two would do, but his speech was rousing, to say the least.    

Diane was quiet for a long moment as she soaked up his words. Her arms wrapped around her body tightly as if they were the very things holding her together. Kurt dragged his fingers through his hair for the thousandth time, pacing for a few seconds before flopping down onto the window seat with a deep sigh. 

"I’m sorry." she whispered quietly, slowly easing herself down beside him, her eyes locked on his. "I never wanted you to feel like that." 

"I know" he replied sadly, forcing a glum smile that didn’t fool either of them. 

"I love you, Kurt. With my whole heart." she promised.

"I know that too." He smiled again, the curves of his lips almost breaking her heart. 

"So what do we do now?" Diane questioned tentatively, her thumbs running over the skin of his hand as she cradled it lovingly in her palms. Kurt sighed, and turned his hand over, grabbing onto hers with a strong grip. 

"Well," he began thoughtfully, his eyes sincere as they looked into hers. "We need to put us first, actually spend time together."

"You mean I need to put us first?" she said, not waiting for him to confirm her suspicions, she knew that was what he meant. Glancing down at their tangle hands, Diane shuffled closer to him, her thigh pressing into his on the sofa.

"You’re the first thing I think about in the morning." she suddenly proclaimed, her eyes bouncing up to met his. Kurt frowned, puzzled. 

"What?"

"I wake up and before I’ve even opened my eyes, I think; my God he’s still here." 

"Diane-"

"No, let me talk." she stopped him and Kurt ducked his head in a nod. 'I know I’m distracted, and busy with work, but I think about you all the time." She could tell by the look on his face how skeptical he was about this and it only made her resolve to tell him stronger. 

"I wake up and wonder if you’ve slept okay, if I’ve tossed and turned too much for your liking. I think about you in the shower-" Kurt's eyebrows bounced up at that and Diane let a small giggle. "Yes, like that, but I also just think about you. What your day will look like, if you’ll text me or call. I dream up reasons to wake you, even though I know you were up late working on a case. I drive to work and I wonder if you’ve had the truck checked recently, and if you’ll make it to work okay. I think about you in meetings. At lunch. In court." Diane took a deep breath, tears welling in her aqua eyes as she smiled up at him.

"Kurt, I love you. There isn’t a moment in my day where I’m not thinking about you. I want you. I do, I love that you’re my husband, that you chose me despite how awful I can be. I know I can be distracted sometimes, but you have to know, I'm always thinking about you. The other morning," she paused, looking down. "I know, I wasn’t completely there but you have to believe me when I say I do think about you. You have to believe me!” she hiccuped, tears now streaming down her cheeks. “You have to believe me, that I love you!” Somewhere along the way her speech had become raspy, her voice watery and desperate. He had to believe her. She couldn’t lose him.  

“Diane,” he said cupping her face in the palms of his hands. “I love you too, okay? I love you. I just need to be more than an afterthought.” Diane nodded gulping down a sob as Kurt smiled at her, pulling her lips to his for a kiss. 

“Don’t leave me,” she whimpered as they broke apart, his thumbs swiping at the hot tears on her cheeks. “Please don’t leave me,”

Kurt stared at her dumbfounded. This wasn’t the Diane he was used to seeing, this wasn’t big-shot lawyer Diane, this was a broken and flawed human, laying their heart bare and it made his own clench slightly. 

"Come away with me this weekend?" he whispered, staring directly into her eyes, his question more of a statement than a request. She was coming away with him this weekend. 

"Yes," she nodded eagerly, her grin shining through her tears. "Yes, anywhere, anywhere you want." she agreed, leaning forward to kiss him soundly, her damp cheeks flushing under his hands.

"No work," he said sternly as they pulled apart. Diane nodded again, her hands gripping his shoulders. "Just you and me."

"Just us," she repeated softly and Kurt's lips curled into a grin. 

"Good," he replied with some finality. The couple simply stared at each other. Diane's tears still escaping down her cheeks and his brow still furrowed. 

"I'm sorry about tonight," she finally murmured as his hands fell from her face and he pulled her into his body, his chin falling to the crown of his head. 

"I know,"

"And about the other morning-" she started pulling back from her husband. Kurt shook his head, shutting his eyes.

"Diane, it's fine-" he tried, only to be cut off.

"No it's not," she said boldly, owning up to her error. "I'm sorry and I swear it'll never happen again," Kurt nodded kindly, accepting her promise with a small smile. 

"Okay," he agreed and Diane blushed, forcing the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. 

"Are we okay?" she whispered, her eyes dark in the dim light of the bedside lamp. Kurt nodded, stealing one more kiss from her lips as he rested his forehead against hers.

"We will be."' he promised in a breathy voice. "We will be."