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Jacob fucking hated Volvos.


End of Discussion.

So why was he crammed into the passenger seat of a stupid, shiny Volvo? Why were his knees in his throat? Why was he sitting willingly in this Plastic Garbage Barbie Sized Car?

Because Bella Fucking (yes that is her middle name alright don’t argue with him) Swan wanted to throw a fucking barbecue.

She was down from Seattle on Thanksgiving break with her leech girlfriend, Alice. She had thought to invite everyone (everyone) over to Charlie’s for a barbecue. Her weird way of saying goodbye to human life, or something.

But she had desperately needed more chips, and dip, and oh maybe some more hot dogs Jacob what do you think blah blah blah. Edward, the only vampire with a car big enough, had immediately volunteered to drive Jacob to the local grocery store, of course, it’s no problem, Bella, I’m happy to help with my shiny stupid car and my stupid perfect face.

Which is why Jacob Black, Alpha (sort of) of the Quileute Tribe’s pack of young werewolves (shapeshifters, but what’s the difference) is currently sitting in a very tiny car next to a quiet, statuesque vampire while some classical music bullshit plays on the radio.

“Would you like me to turn it off?” Edward’s voice almost always sounded like he was half singing, and it startled Jake for a moment before he remembered. Oh, yeah. Mind reader. Fan-Fucking-Tastic.

“There’s no need to be so crass.” Edward makes a perfect turn onto the highway, with his perfect little Volvo and his perfect hair and perfect face.

“Then stay outta my head.” Jake’s voice is so deep it’s nearly basslined, but that might just be because his knees are in his diaphragm right now.

“I can’t control it. Anymore than you can control your… shifting.” The way perfect pretty little Edward said the word ‘shifting’ made Jake genuinely consider shifting in the car, just to break the stupid thing. It would be kinda fun to watch Edward go flying, he thought.

But no, there was a van behind them, and Jake could see that there were kids in the back.

So, no Volvo destruction. Yet.

Edward sighed, like some Victorian era lady, and took a left into the parking lot.

“I am, you know. Born in the Victorian Era. Only just, however.” Edward left his car with all the grace of someone in a commercial. Jacob fell out of the car, like a very large sack of potatoes.

“So, what, you’re like a hundred?” Jacob’s mouth often speaks without conferring with his brain, and he winces at how stupid that makes him sound.

“Give or take.” Edward’s smile is sly, crooked as he pretends to hold the door open for Jacob even though the doors are automatic, dammit.

Jacob Black does most definitely not blush. At all. Even a little bit.

Jacob grabs one of the dinky little carts, and begins his trek to find everything Bells had asked for, as quickly as possible.

Edward, however, seems to be taking his sweet time marveling at all the human food. He traces his fingertips over ripe tomatoes (weird), and takes down jars of jelly just to read the labels. He moves through the store like it’s some sort of weird interactive art exhibit, and he’s having a blast.

This forces Jacob to trail after the weirdly absorbed vampire, because, yanno. Protector of the Tribe (and surrounding areas). The redheaded supermodel could go hulk at any moment. Plus, ot was kind of funny to see Edward study all the human food, and trace his fingers over the shelves.

Jacob most certainly Did Not Have a Thing for Hands. Whatsoever. Especially for some leech’s hands. Not at All.

They moved at a slow pace, but made good progress. Edward rant through a list of things he must have made up in his head, and Jake, assuming Mr. Richy Rich Pants was gonna pay for everything, grabbed anything that even vaguely looked appealing. They hand nearly a dozen hungry werewolves to feed, after all.

As they made there way to the end of the store, Jake cursed, and swiveled the precariously stacked cart around.

“We forgot the marshmallows.”

Edward seemed a little perplexed, but followed Jacob to the baking aisle all the same. Jake scanned the rows, (when did they start making so many different marshmallows? Strawberry? Pumpkin Spice? Fucking caramel?) and huffed in triumph when he found what he was looking for. Then, he paused.


There was no way it was all gonna fit in the one cart, so he had a decision to make. Give up on the dream of delicious, gooey smores, or send the vampire to the checkout line on his own.

“I’m not going to slaughter the townspeople, Jacob, honestly.” Edward rolled his butterscotch eyes, and Jake squinted at him. He was obviously recently fed, and he looked. Healthy. There was a slight flush to his skin, and his eyes were bright. Vividly so, almost. Jake had never noticed how long Edward’s eyelashes were, or how striking his brow was.

Send the vampire to the checkout line alone it is, then.

Edward took the cart with a gracious smile, and moved deftly through the aisle. He avoided the weird cutout stands with an ease, and Jacob couldn’t help but notice the way he walked. It was almost like a dancer, graceful. And of course, his ass.

Jake immediately turned his eyes back to the stupid marshmallows, and began scream singing Avril Lavigne songs in his head. He Was Not Dealing With That Thing. Not Tonight.

It didn’t take him long to realize that he’d need a second cart for all the s'mores ingredients. It wasn’t hard to find one, they were usually littering the tiny store abandoned, like some creepy horror film.

As he wandered, he caught sight of the checkout line. Edward, perfectly stacking thing onto the conveyor belt, and the checkout person. Kid.

The poor kid was staring almost blindly at Edward, and Jacob could definitely understand. Edward was kind of. Well, to put it in the words of one Bella Swan, kind of beautiful. He was tall, and lean, like a swimmer. He dressed very well, with tight fitted jeans and a warm looking turtleneck. It was cool, fashionable. Something you might see in a magazine.

Jacob, however, was 18 and 6’7”, and wearing a faded pair of board shorts. With a criminally small t shirt on, and fucking flip flops, he figured he kinda looked like a bum. Or, yanno, a werewolf who ran out of clothes.

The kid was cute, in as much as he was probably college aged, and definitely into guys. He wore the stupid uniform, but he had a cute face and those little dimple piercings. Which he flashed at Edward everytime the vampire looked up.

To which, the vampire returned a dazzling smile and started up a conversation with the kid.

Jacob Black was Not Jealous. Not even a little bit. Seriously.

Okay maybe like just a little.

Jake snatched the nearest empty cart before Eddie and Dimples could see him, and stormed off to the baking aisle. Well, he tried. The cart had a squeaky wheel, and veered to the left.

So much for a quiet exit.

After filling the cart with as many marshmallows as possible, and graham crackers, and a Lot of chocolate, he roughly dragged the stupid broken cart to the only checkout vendor, Dimples.

For fuck’s sake.

Edward waited beyond the station, all of his items already bagged, leaning against the cart casually, while still managing to look like a fucking model.


Dimples was definitely a little quieter with him, probably because Jacob had an easy to read face and he was currently in the middle of coming to An Understanding with himself.

All because of stupid Edward Cullen and his stupid Volvo.

The food fit, barely, and left Jacob with even less room than before.

“You could always run back, you know. It’d be faster, and far more comfortable.” Edward’s silken voice grated at Jacob, and he snapped his teeth back in response.

“It’s your choice.” The stupid handsome vampire nearly sang, his stupid crooked grin making Jake want to Punch Things.

It was a long ride.


Of course, as soon as he stepped out of the dumbass Volvo, he felt a little better. The pack was on cleanup/kitchen/anything else duty, and they unloaded Edward’s car with greedy little hands.

“You fuckers better leave enough for the girls,” Jake called, loud enough for the wolves to hear, but quiet enough that Charlie wouldn’t get all huffy.

He walked around the house, for some reason he wanted to avoid everyone inside. He was surprised to find a companion, though.

“What. are you doing.” His question came out stilted, and probably meaner than he meant it, but being mean to a vampire shouldn’t bother him. At all.

“Walking.” Edward’s voice was smooth, and incredibly smug. Jacob took a long moment to think about kicking the stupid vampire in the face, or maybe punching him in the throat. They were nice thoughts.

“Are we really not going to talk about this?” Edward still had a little half smile on his face as he continued on, his footsteps nearly silent.

“Nothin’ to talk about,” Jake grunted, hunching his ears up to his shoulders. He was Definietly Not Blushing, thank you very much.

Edward sighed, and threw him a look that screamed ‘i know more than you and you can’t hide forever’ and practically danced to the bonfire.

Jacob was Not Checking Out his ass.

He slumped down onto a log next to Seth, and quietly settled in for a night of Not Thinking About It. Maybe Seth could rub some of his constantly-in-a-good-mood juju off on Jake, and this wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe.



It was quieter, Charlie and the humans had left, for bed or to drive home, and the younger packmates had been sent off, too.

Someone (Paul) had decided to pull out some liquor, and someone (Bella) had decided to play a game of Never Have I Ever.

Of course, by this time, Bella was drunk enough that it really was only people telling embarrassing stories about each other.

Jared had just finished his favorite story about Paul, when he got caught trying to flush cherry bombs down the Rez’s school’s toilet, when Paul got That Look in his eye.

It was never good when Paul got That Look.

“Hey, baby alpha. What about you? I’m sure there are plenty of stories about you.” Bella drunkenly raised her hand, and declared that there were tons, like, tons you guys.

Jacob ducked his head, and flushed a little. There had been plenty of embarrassing fodder for the pack to drag up, but it was Embry who took the shot.

It’s always the quiet ones.

“Hey Jake,” Embry started, his features smoothed out into an angelic mask, “Remember when you came over to my house in the middle of the night, crawled through my window, and shook me awake because you thought you might have a cr-” The marshmallow lodged itself in Embry’s windpipe, which had him doubling over in a coughing fit. Stupid fucker.

Paul, who was always up for shenanigans, grabbed a half empty bag of marshmallows, and began pelting people and vampires alike with seriously deadly accuracy.

It wasn’t long before alliances had been formed, and ammo had been secured. Emmett, the big one, was trying to throw each marshmallow into a different person's mouth.

Quill and Embry had teamed up, once Embry had gotten rid of the pesky marshmallow that had somehow mysteriously ended up chucked into the back of his throat.

Alice was giggling, and had taken the opportunity to be Bella’s arm, firing little white sweets at anyone Bella hollered at.

It was chaotic.

Jake, under the cover of the impromptu food fight, decided to call it a night. He snuck away, and ended up in the woods behind Bella’s house. Instead of shifting, he decided to walk home. Leah was running patrols tonight, and she happened to always Know when something was up.

He didn’t want to deal with that.

Of course, just his luck, the source of his problems just happened to mosey on over to him, and match Jake step for step.

They stayed quiet for a bit, Edward moving as gracefully through the forest like he wasn’t even there. Like a ghost, Jake thought.

“Can I ask,” Edward began, ignoring Jake’s muttered no, “What is it, exactly, that you detest about me?”

Jacob rolled his eyes so hard he got a fucking headache.

“I don’t ‘detest’ you, you fucking moron. You should know that much by now.” Jake kept his eyes on the ground in front of him, already hating this conversation.

“Is it because I’m a vampire, then?”

Jacob stopped in his tracks, and turned towards the stupid Volvo owning vampire.

“Is it- are you kidding me? No! If I had a hard on for vampires don’t you think I’d have asked Emmett and Jasper?” Jacob rolled his eyes, stupid dumb fucking vampire who thought Jake had a hard on for sparkling dicks. No, he thought morosely, just the one sparkling Dick.

“I, I’m sorry, what?” Edward had stopped walking some few feet back, and had a look on his face like he had just figured out world peace.

“I don’t like you cuz you’re a vampire. It’s not a weird fetish thing. It’s a dumb crush, just leave it alone. It’s fine.” Jacob stood to his full height, and turned to begin the long trek home.

“You like me?” Edward’s voice is quiet, like spun sugar in the air. Sweet, and delicate, and oh so pretty.

“Yeah, if you could leave it alone, I’d appre-” Jacob didn’t get to finish his thought, let alone his sentence, before the bronze haired boy had wound an arm around Jacob’s neck and kissed him.

Jake was still for a moment, as his brain short circuited, shut down, then rebooted. Then he was kissing Edward back, and pressing him into the nearest tree, and oh my god he was kissing Edward.

“Wait,” he said, pulling away from Edward which was probably the Dumbest thing he had done all night. “You, you like me?”

“Of course I do, you moron. You’re irritating and brash and annoying and loud and perfect.”

Jacob ignored the fact that those were all basically the same thing, and focused on the last part.

“I thought,” He started, unable to finish. He hadn’t thought about it, was the thing.

“I thought you were avoiding me because I’m a man. Or a vampire. I couldn’t figure out which one.” Edward traced a cool finger down Jacob’s face, a small crooked smile blossoming on his face. “I’d wanted to, of course, but I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, in any way.”

Jake stared down at the stupidly perfect Volvo owning vampire, and laughed a little.

“Honestly. If I’d have avoided you for anything, it would’ve been the car.”

The joke seemed to shock Edward, whose perfect stupid mouth fell open in a little ‘o’ of surprise. Then, he threw back his head and laughed.

Jacob couldn’t help but laugh, too, and then he decided he’d rather be spending his time kissing Edward. A Lot.

Edward pulled back, and Jake nearly whined at the loss of contact.

“Does this mean we’re facebook official, then?” Edward’s too innocent face nearly made Jacob double over in laughter, and he pressed his face into the crook of Edward’s neck.

“Yeah, I guess this makes us facebook official, dumbass.”

He couldn’t stop smiling.