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Throw Pumpkins At My Heart

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It's a quiet Valentine's Day in Doc Ock's lair. Villainous types in NYC never found much time for romance, typically occupying their time with arson, kidnapping, or on occasion, a good terror attack or two. Potential boyfriends or girlfriends never liked coming in second to plans for world domination, so they ended up being pretty lonely. 

Electro found himself boredly shocking his fingers with the television remote. Hydro was doing laps down in the pool, becoming part of the pool, as it was. Scream was... well, she was somewhere, doing something, and nobody really wanted to know what. Doc Ock himself had nothing much to do but toil over more of his evil plans... everyone let him think he convinced them that his loneliness was purely voluntarily. 

Hobgoblin however, was the only one who had any chance of an interesting day, being the only villain in the syndicate with someone to call his own... and an interesting day he would get. 

You, daughter of a Chicago crime boss and Jason Macendale, the Hobgoblin's, main squeeze, grin as you slink down the hallway to the common room of the lair. You're excited to surprise Jason. You find him hunched over a desk with a knife in one hand, and a bunch of pumpkin guts in the other. 

"Why do you carve your own pumpkins?" you smirk, leaning against the doorframe, "You're a world famous supervillain, you should have henchmen to do it for you. Or at least, you should have mechanical bombs." 

"Mechanical ones are no fun. Seasonal gourds really light me up." He doesn't turn around. "And I like carving my own. Pumpkins are a passion." 

"Hm. You know what I'm passionate about?" you continue, sauntering up to his chair. You put your hands on the back of it, and miss his slight smirk. 

"I have an idea." 

He then drops the smirk and goes back to ignoring you, stealing a quick glance your way before turning back to his work. You know how this goes; it's a little game of bat and mouse he plays. He lets you come to him... and it's infuriating.

"It's Valentine's Day." 

"I know that." 

"Your girlfriend is sitting on your desk..." 

"I can see you." 


"Cut it, I'm very busy today, (y/n). Doctor Octopus is planning a huge attack on the Statue of Liberty tomorrow." He pops a seed in his mouth, then makes a face, spitting it back out. 

"Of course he is," you sigh, playing with a few strings of innards, "Of course that man couldn't wait until the day AFTER the day after Valentine's Day to do something dramatic."

"Be glad he didn't plan it today," Hobgoblin replies with a snort, "He hates this holiday."

"That's because no man or woman could compete with that big brain of his that he's in love with." 

A nod and a giggle from him.

"Well, forget about him, baby," you take him by the collar, spinning his chair around to face you, "It's Valentine's Day, and I'm right here. Right now. One night only." 

He pauses. "Only one night?"

You raise an eyebrow. "What if I said yes?" 

He narrows his eyes. "Today is not the day for games." 

"You're right, so stop playing them with me," you moan, and straddle his lap, taking his face between your hands. "Mm. I can feel just how interested you are now." He grins, and begins to cackle, until it develops into his signature maniacal laugh. 

"What, asshole?!" 

"That's my blaster."

You let out a frustrated huff, and get off of him, crossing your arms. 

"You're the only man who can resist me, do you know that?" 

He turns back to his jack o lanterns. "Which is why I'm the perfect man for you, my pretty."

Heading back to your chambers, you catch the sentient, self operating lift Doc Ock created, that recognizes your floor number by retna scan. 

"Jason again, (y/n)?" the robotic elevator voice asks. 

"Who else?" you mutter, "That goblin strikes my nerves more than Spiderman." You get off at your floor, and head into the room you share with your boyfriend. It's large, luxurious, and decorated just as the two of you like it-- as if Halloween came and stayed. You strip, and, opening the closet, find something that will surely catch his attention. You know Jason Macendale, and he can only last for so long before he comes begging... 


Downstairs, Hobgoblin digs out more pumpkin guts, and plops them on the table, inserting the explosive and patching it in. Yes... these pumpkins looked delightfully devilish, perfect for a good toss. As he thinks of the weapons though, his heart begins to pang. It's Valentine's Day... today isn't really supposed to be about weapons, and he supposes he was a little mean to you... but you can take it, can't you? That's what he loves so much about you-- your tolerance for all his naughty behavior. Ah, it's alright. She'll get over it. Suddenly, just as he's debating whether to wear his orange or blue cape tomorrow for the big attack, you sit down beside him, grabbing a pumpkin and the knife. He frowns, then turns. His red eyes widen as he notices your outfit-- black and orange lacy lingerie. "(y/n)!"

"Yes, honey?" You start to carve hearts as eyes, and Hobgoblin finally tears his eyes off of your breasts, grumbling. 

"That's not scary. At least give it sharp teeth." He hunches over yet another explosive, and you throw up your hands. 

"Jerk! Can't work wait for a minute?!" You stomp out to the room opposite, the "Evil Thinking" room, as Ock has dubbed it. Well, you sure had a lot of evil thinking to do. 

The idiot. The stubborn, mischievous, irritating idiot. You would plant one of those pumpkin bombs in his pillowcase. You would cut a big spider in his favourite orange cape. You wouldn't let him between your legs for a whole year! If he wanted you to grovel for his attention, he was in for a shock. Hm... that gives you an idea. 

You wait around a little bit, until Electro walks through the thinking room, reading the circuitry manual for the building they would be taking over tomorrow. 

"(y/n). Y'know that bet we had about Doc Ock being a cat or dog person? Turns out you owe me big ti-- yAHH!" He quickly covers his eyes, and falls back into a wall, electricity zapping through the room. You smirk as each screen and light in there short circuits, and uncross your legs. 

"It's just a bra, Max." 

"Y-yeah, but there's bottoms too!" he shrieks. 

"If there weren't, I'm afraid it would be worse." 

"Okay, give it up. Are you and Hobgoblin playing your stupid little games around the lair again?!" he snaps, "'Find my garter belt" or something?! Cause I'm done walking in on... that!" 

"No games," you deadpan, "Not today, anyway. See, I need a little something more. A little something Macy isn't giving me." 

Max swallows. 

Across the evil hall, Hobgoblin growls in frustration. He told you to leave him alone for a second time five minutes ago, and you haven't come back to try again yet. That's the fun part! He loves it when you're desperate for him. He pouts, staring at the pumpkin he's got in his hands. He carves it a sad face, and sighs into his hands. Maybe he really did it this time. Maybe you're tired of his playing around, and want him to be a real boyfriend. But that's just something he can't do! You knew what you were getting into, becoming the girlfriend of a supervillain twice incarcerated... he needs someone who can hit back! Oh... why couldn't relationships be as easy as taking over Manhattan? 


Electro shakes his head at you. 

"I know just what you're up to. I am not getting involved in this. He'll plug my socket if he comes in here and sees whatever you've got in mind!" 

"That's what I'm counting on," you smile, then correct yourself. "Him coming in here, not bashing your brains in." 

"Agh," Maxwell groans, and backs up. "No way. Us villains have gotta protect ourselves. Every man for himself is our code, don't you know that by now?!" 

"Of course I know that," you growl back.

"No hard feelings, (y/n)... but I don't know anyone dumb enough to hit on Hobgoblin's girl!" 

As you follow him out into the hall in your lingerie, Hydro walks by from the pool, taking a post-gym selfie for his ultra-famous Instagram (it's a miracle the police haven't deduced who he is from that). He gives you an appreciative glance as he passes. 

"You can drink me anytime." 

You and Max shake your heads, and Max gets a glimpse of the post Morris is making. 

Keeping it 💯at the lair #worlddominationstartswithyourself #petesprotein #ad 

Max jumps on Morris' shoulders, and pries the phone out of his hands. 

"You're endorsed now?!" 

"Of course, I'm beautiful!" 

"You idiot, you put the location on! Give-me-that--" Max electrocutes the device, and it explodes into little fiery bits, leaving Morris furious. He transforms into his watery form, and punches Max, creating a wave of water washing over all three of you. 

The two of them keep fighting all the way out into the warehouse, as you sigh and plop down across the hall again, drenched and miserable. You just wanted a hug... you debate going in and trying one more time to get him pay you any attention. 

No. If Jason wants anything from you today, he'll have to come get it. 


Hobgoblin toils. He craves your attention, and now that you're not vying for his, he feels horribly haywire. 

"Oh..." he whines, and paces. "Ah!" 


You pick up a copy of the Daily Bugle, which has been defaced. The other villains have made a game of drawing mustaches on all the heroes on the front pages of these, whenever you get a new one. You flip through the vandalized newspaper, and look up around the walls, where they've framed all their supposed "incarceration" headlines, just for laughs. "Electro Fizzles." "Hydroman Takes A Dive." "Hobgoblin Hobbled." Heroes weren't really ones for effectiveness, and supervillains really had a flair for dark humour. 

You stare at your boyfriend's headline, and sigh. Maybe you're being a little hard on him. But is it too much for a girl to expect a little initiative? 

Interrupting your line of thought, you hear him whining and muttering from the other room. Then do something about it, Macy! 

Suddenly, a great rumbling sound echoes through the lair, and a giant metal tentacle reaches in, grabbing you around the middle and picking you up. 

"What the--"

In the other room, the same happens to Hobgoblin. 


You two are pulled out into the warehouse, and seated across from each other. Doctor Octopus is standing there. 

"I have had enough of this idiocy."

"What are you talking about?" Hobgoblin snaps. 

"How did you know...?" you glare at the self-important mad doctor. 

"Fools! I've been watching over the security system!" he snarls. 

"You have nothing better to do?" Jason asks. 

"Well-- I-- well I-- can it, Hobgoblin! Now sit and do something romantic. It's Valentine's Day, and I hate Valentine's... but dammit, if you two don't make up, I will personally DROP the Statue of Liberty on you both tomorrow!" 

He retreats, muttering to himself, and you and Jason stare at each other. He finally gets up, and shuffles forward, crossing his arms. You've got a bathrobe on, and are still clutching onto the Daily Bugle Sunday Edition. Like a lost puppy, he inches closer to you, pawing at your shoulders. 


You don't look up. "Yes?" He's obviously upset by your lack of attention toward him. He leans down over your shoulder. 

"Why... are you reading that garbage?" 

"Is that your question?" 

He looks down. "No." He kicks the ground. "I... oh... I, uh... oh! 

Fine! Would you like to go for a ride?" 

You begin to smile, and get up, holding out your hand. He takes it, and returns the grin. 

"Trick or treat," he whispers in your ear, brushing your hair back. 

"Smell my feet..." you play along, biting your lip. 

"Time to sweep you off your feet," he finishes, and does just that, carrying you bridal style and kissing you. You deepen the kiss, wrapping your arms around his neck, and his hands travel down to the tie of your robe. 

Suddenly, a voice comes over the speakers. 

"When I said be romantic, I didn't mean fornicate on the floor of my evil warehouse!" 

Hobgoblin growls at the ceiling, and takes you over to his glider, picking you up and lifting you on. He holds you close to him as you two take the sky exit, and blast out over the city, beautiful and lit up. 

You sigh, holding tight to Jason, and he pilots the goblin glider over buildings, taking you through alleys and skimming the water. He leans over, and kisses your cheek. 

"Can you ever forgive me, my pretty?" 

You smirk, snuggling into his chest. "I know you'll make it up to me." He holds up a finger, thinking of something, and pulls out the small pumpkin you had carved earlier, with the heart eyes. He gives you another kiss, and tosses it, the two of you taking hands as it explodes in a brilliant display of fire. You blush, and he soars over the bridge, dipping across the road. A woman screams. 

"Run! It's the Hobgoblin!" someone cries from below. 

"You're lucky you caught me on date night, you paunchy punk, or you'd be pumpkin rubble!" he laughs, and glides you both away. You giggle, and think you hear a camera flash behind you. Eh. It's probably nothing. 


The next day as everyone in the syndicate gathers for breakfast, Electro can't stop laughing, and as he shares his secret, it catches on. Even Scream cracks a smile as Electro goes on. Doc Ock rubs his temples, dropping his spoon in his apple jack cheerios. 

"What is it now, you circus circuit?!" 

Max keeps right on giggling, slamming the morning paper down. 

"H-H-Hobgoblin Out For A Date - Fearsome Foe Traded Terror For True Love? Huahahaha!!" 

Jason blushes so hard his pale skin almost turns the colour of his eyes. Then he cools off a bit, and shrugs. 

"Well, let them talk. Let's just say, pumpkins can't do what she did to me last night." 

The whole table erupted, and you laugh on your boyfriend's shoulder.