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A Drunk Mind Speaks A Sober Heart

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“Hey there Lister, Listy, Listy, wisty, wisty … You stupid silly spacebum you!”

Dave Lister looked up from his comic book in surprise at the slurred words that came from a familiar voice.

“Hello Rimmer …” He sighed.

Drunk Rimmer, he internally groaned.

Drunk Rimmer staggering in utterly drunk, a half empty bottle still clutched in his hand. He'd been off on a Diesel Deck break to have a “much needed think”, but by the looks of it had been a “much needed drink.”

This was actually odd, he thought, taking more notice of the situation. Rimmer wasn't usually drunk. Actually, he corrected himself: almost never drunk. He could only remember seeing Rimmer drunk three of four times in all the years he'd known him. So this was … interesting.

Swaying precariously Rimmer stumbled towards Lister's bunk and begun staring him straight in the eyes. He took another big gulp from the bottle.

“Hello Listy, you disgusting, filthy, stupid spacebum you!” Rimmer slurred. Then he snorted – far too long – at his own 'joke', burped and gave Lister a little poke.

“You annoying, hot, sexy spacebum you!”

“Say wha?” Lister frowned, not sure he had heard that correctly.

“What are you doing then you crazy hot spacebum? Reading a Comic, watching telly? Wallowing in smeg? Well tough. This … is the real life, we're here on this ship … forever!!” He hiccupped and swayed, then his eyes returned to Lister. “Eternally trapped. Together, forever … No where to go, we, we on this ship. Endless desperate loneliness on this … this ship … ship ...” He swayed a little, his eyes closed.

“Yes Rimmer … sure, wha'ever thanks for tha' ...” Lister sighed, not really getting what this was in aid of and not sure if he wanted to know.

Just as Lister wanted to return to his comic, blurry hazel eyes opened again, boring themselves into Lister's brown ones. A big smirk forming on Rimmer's face revealing that whatever was coming up had to be a blinder.

“We're trapped together forever." Rimmer said putting as much emphasise on his words as a very drunk person possibly could. "And you know what I love about it all? What I really do love about it?"

“No?” Lister sighed, bracing himself for whatever was coming out of that strange man's mouth.

Hailing himself up to his full height Rimmer raised his arms, splashing wine on a lot of the room and it's object, including Lister.

“You're all mine, no-one else's!! We're alone in deep space and you can't leave! Dave Lister you're mine!! Sure there's Kryten, but pfff, he's steel. There's that Cat, but *snort* he's an idiot. You need me, and you're mine because I … I know about humany … stuff … real humany stuff … And … AND … because … that might surprise you I – listen to me – I love you!!”

Okay … Lister thought, that was … new. New, confusing and something that he, given Rimmer's current state, wouldn't be discussing right now.

“Rimmer ...” He tried soothingly.

Sniggering drunkenly, but with tears streaming from his eyes the Hologram looked at him.

“I love you Dave Lister, you great big hunk of filthy stupid spacebum you!”

Before Lister had the time to reply Rimmer's eyes rolled to the back of his head as he started swaying precariously. Then he fell to the floor.

“Smeg …” Lister muttered as he jumped down to see if Rimmer was alright.

As he knelt next to the inebriated hologram, Rimmer opened his eyes and smirked seeing Lister by his side.

“Well …” the Hologram grinned stupidly. “aren't you gonna kiss me?”

Sadly he'd never know the answer to this question as his body chose that moment to sink into a deep, alcohol induced slumber.

“And a happy Valentines day to you too Rimsy ...” A stunned Lister said as he shook his head at the man snoring on the floor.
Happy Valentines day

Well, it certainly was a memorable one ...