Castiel was a fallen angel. He had fallen in every way he possibly could have, and still he was standing here, alive and, well… with both feet on the ground, if you could say so. He had a family, a home, but he couldn’t maintain that it had always been like this.
The first time he fell, he literally fell down to earth. Still as an angel though, even if you’d expect a more graceful landing from a celestial being than crashing on the tin roof of an old barn somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Despite his rather uncomfortable arrival, Castiel was sure of his mission, full of pride and joy to live up to his father’s expectations, determined to make his dad proud. A brave little soldier of heaven, a true angel of the Lord, was standing there with his head held up high as lightning cast a faint shadow of his wings upon the wooden walls.
He had been a good person, a pure soul full of good intentions, without a doubt. He had fallen down to earth, and still he was so full of hope.
The second time he fell, he fell in an entirely different way than he ever thought was possible for him to fall in. Cas fell for Dean Winchester. It wasn’t love at first sight, or rather at first stab (or shot, or denial, or sceptical staring contest), but Dean was the man who helped him to find his way in the strange new world he started to love and hate at the same time. Humanity and its strange concept were hard to understand at first, but the hunter was there to help him through his first insecurities, although he was too afraid to show them openly back then. His superiors started to question his choices, a clear sign of their disapproval of his actions. Cas started to question himself and came to the conclusion that he simply was too lost to follow anyone’s orders at the moment.
He still had been a good person, a lost soul that tried to find a home, which it did eventually. He had fallen for Dean, and he didn’t regret this decision.
The third time he fell, he fell at the hand of an archangel, while elsewhere, his brothers Lucifer and Michael were locked up in the cage by the Winchesters. Cas agreed to fight, even though he knew he couldn’t make it out alive. Archangels were far more powerful than he was, not to mention that this meant he was disobeying the orders he was given by his superiors. Castiel rebelled, and therefore, he paid with his life. It had been a good one, he knew it, in the past few months he had gained more experience in life than he had ever gained in the decades before. He was doing the right thing by making his own choices.
He believed he had been a good person, a loyal soul and an independent mind, choosing his own path. He had fallen at the hand of an archangel, and soon after, he was given a new life.
The fourth time he fell, Castiel fell into pieces when he realized God had abandoned him. Abandoned everyone and everything, turned away and left without a warning. The world he knew as an angel broke apart, his title lost its meaning as he realized he could no longer see what was right and what was wrong. Who was he without his purpose and his affiliation to God, to the rest of his family? The answer was simple. He belonged to Sam and Dean, as well as their friends. It took some time to figure that out, but this was the answer Cas found all by himself, a choice he made with his heart.
He accepted himself as a good person, a strong soul with own ideals, slowly finding himself and his place in this mess. He had fallen into pieces, and he had put himself back together.
The fifth time he fell, he fell as deep as he had never fallen before. This didn’t have to do with heaven or God, it was something far more important. Castiel betrayed his family, the only thing he had, the only thing that mattered to him all along. He did it for them, he did it because of them, he did it and believed it was the best thing to do, but in the end, it wasn’t. Cas was blinded by his desire for power, caught up in the need for control and success, ignoring the warning signs the world was practically throwing at him.
He desperately made himself believe he was a good person, a single soul who was able to see what others couldn’t, slowly distancing himself from what he used to keep close at all costs. He had fallen as deep as he had never fallen before, and there was nobody to catch him.
The sixth time he fell, it wasn’t him anymore who was falling. Cas couldn’t even keep track of what happened to his vessel, if it was occupied by himself, by the new god he believed to be, or by the Leviathans. All he knew was that it was over, that this might have been his last chance and he messed it up. He messed it up big time. He had been down on his knees before, but there had always been a light at the end of the tunnel, however, this time, all he could see was a dark, threatening abyss in front of him. He wanted to let go, disappear in the depth of it and never come back.
He knew he wasn’t a good person anymore, he was a corrupted soul within a body he couldn’t identify as his own. He had fallen, but it hadn’t been him who had fallen. Honestly, what was that even supposed to mean?
The seventh time he fell, Cas fell from grace. Literally. Once he lost his angelic powers and was forced to live a human life as a homeless man, he suddenly understood how fragile humanity really was. There were so many dangers and risks, so many things he never thought of before. Money, food, water. The most basic things seemed impossible to obtain at first and it took a long time to adjust to that lifestyle. To be honest, he didn’t even adjust. Cas didn’t fit in at all and had great respect for Sam and Dean and how they managed to survive. Then again… nothing could truly kill them. And if something could, they’d just be brought back to life anyway.
Castiel wasn’t a good person, an impure soul and a mere shadow of his former glory. He had fallen from grace, stripped of the last thing that reminded him of who he really was. The last thing he could hold on to.
Identity had always been a strange concept to the ex-angel, ex-god, ex-Leviathan, and finally ex-human. He had lost himself so many times along the way that he himself though his mind, body and personality were long gone, but that was, surprisingly, not the case. He was still Castiel, although he had certainly changed over time.
Could he be the same again? The good person he used to be?
Too much had happened, to many mistakes had been made. Looking back at it, Cas felt pride and happiness, but also shame and regret. These past experiences made him who he was now, they were a part of him and would always be.
Could he be the same again? The good person he used to be?
No. But if Cas could turn back time, he would do it all again. Maybe… no, definitely with a few changes here and there, but still.
He would do it all again.