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"I liked you better when we were gay."

"Me too."


"This is gonna sound dumb, but you think if one of us were actually gay we would be nicer to each other?"

"I dunno. Good question."

"I was just asking, cuz, you know... it was nice not fighting for a little while."

"Well you can be gay all you want if that's the case."

"Reese! I'm not gay!"

"That's a shame then, isn't it?"


"You said you wanted me to be nicer to you."

"Yeah, but I didn't say..."

"So then I would be. I'd have to learn how to. You know, so I don't hurt your girly feelings when I tell you I'm not interested."

"Uhh... That's not how it works."

"What part?"

"Dude, not only are you my brother, but just cuz a guy is gay doesn't automatically mean he's girly. Or interested. That's a stereotype."

"So why should I be nice to you if you're not trying to suck my cock?"

"Reese! Are you hearing the shit you're saying?"

"So you wouldn't be into me even if you were into dudes? That's a bit harsh, don't you think? I think I'd be upset to hear that."

"Wha-... but... Dude, I honestly don't know how to answer that."

"Would you be into me or not? I think it's simple. And then I'd know whether to be nice to you or not."

"Oh my god! Same dilemma, Reese! You're totally missing the part about being brothers!"

"Jeez, don't get so dramatic. It's a hypothetical question. And I think it should be pretty easy to answer. Girls can tell you really easy if some other chick is fuckable. I can. Why can't you?"

"Huh? You can, what?"

"I can tell if some other guy is good-looking. It's no big deal."

"Riiight. So is all this to try and determine whether gay guys would find you attractive or something?"

"No. We were talking about you being gay."

"I'm not gay!"

"I fucking know, you asshole. I got that."

"So what the hell do you want from me?"

"I was asking whether you would find me attractive if you were. Cuz if not, I don't think I would have much reason to be nice. Like, I'm not so good with girls, but I really do try to be nice to the ones I like."

"-You fail terribly at that, by the way."

"Well, I try. Anyway, that's what I was saying, like, if I don't have any chance of getting in your pants, why would I be nice?"

"Uh. I don't even know what to say to that."

"I think I'd be nicer to you if you were gay though. At least until I found out I wasn't going to get any."

"Dude! Are. You. Listening. To what you're saying?!"

"What are you freaking out about, Malcolm? Calm down, jeez. See, this is why we fight all the time. Cuz you're such a spaz-tard."

"I'm a fucking spaz-tard? Me?!"

"Yeah, jeez. Calm the fuck down."

"You just said you'd be nice to me if I fucking sucked your cock!"

"Well, wouldn't you?"

"NO! Oh my god, Reese!"

"I meant if a chick was sucking you off. Wouldn't you be nice to her?"

"Well yeah, of course, I'd be nice no matter what. Unless they were a moron who wore on my patience. But that's not what we were talking about."

"You know what I meant."

"No, I don't actually."

"I thought you said you wanted us to be nicer to each other. I'm trying to do that here but you won't be gay, so I don't think we can help each other."

"That's ridiculous."

"Fine. Here-!"

"OW! Fuck! What the fuck?!"

"If you wanna keep being a prick then that's what you get."

"So you sucker-punched me cuz I'm NOT gay...? How the hell does that work out?"

"Well obviously it's your fault we don't get along better."

"It's my fault cuz I'm not gay...?"

"Yeah, obviously. -"

"OW! Fuck! Again?! What the fuck?"

"Just say you're gay or I'll hit you again."

"I'm not fucking gay, Reese!"


"Stop it! Oh my god!"

"Say it!"

"I'm not gay! You know that! Get off me!"

"Then I'll keep hitting you!"

"I'm not-"


"Fine! Stop! Please stop, -I'm gay! I swear! Just stop!"

"Finally. Wait, really?"

"Uh, yeah. Totally."



"See, that wasn't so hard."

"So now you're gonna be nice to me or something?"

"Sure. I mean, I don't wanna step on any toes."


"...So uh, you wanna go shopping some time? Now that you're gay."

"Uh. No. Thanks."

"Oh, ok. You know, cuz it would totally be fine if you did."

"You really don't know anything about gay people, do you Reese?"

"Hey, I'm trying to be nice to you. What more do you want from me?"

"Nothing I suppose."

"I see."


"So now that you're gay, you're not like, gonna hit on me, are you?"

"No, I'm not going to do that. Obviously."

"So I'm not your type, is that it?"

"No, that's not it. Idiot."

"I'm trying to be nice. But you're being a pain in the ass again, Malcolm. -Oops. I didn't mean it like that. Do gays like ass-talk? Was that offensive?"

"Not offensive to gays. Only to me."

"But you're gay."

"Only for the purposes of this conversation."

"You're confusing me!"

"Yes, I'm gay."

"And that's totally fine. Like I said, if you wanna stare at my butt or something, I'm totally cool with that."


"Don't be so shocked. I said I'd be nice. Just, you know, nothing further. I'm not queer."

"I honestly don't know what to say to that."

"Are you trying to say that I don't have a nice butt or something? That guys wouldn't want this?"

"Yeah, again. I don't know how to answer that."

"If that's what you're saying, Malcolm, I don't really see why I'm trying so hard here."



"So if I tell you your ass is fine, I'd be admitting to wanting an incestuous relationship. And if I don't, then you'll probably punch me again. Can you see the problem now?"

"I didn't say that at all!"

"Yeah, you pretty much did."

"I just thought maybe you'd meet me halfway and be honest."

"About what exactly?"

"I don't see why you can't just admit you find me attractive. Not just my butt, but I've got great abs, see?"


"I've been working on it. Ok, well not really, but they're there. So I'm saying it's not a big deal. You're gay, that's what gays do."


"I'd feel the same way, so I totally understand."


"You know, I'm just saying. It's ok, you're gay, it's not your fault."

"...Reese, I am so lost right now, I don't even know what to tell you."

"That's fine too. Do you want a shoulder to cry on? I hear you guys are more emotional. Which is totally cool, and I'm here to support you if you need that."

"If I could headdesk right now, I would. Oh my god."

"You ok, Malcolm? Come 'ere-"

"Reese, I don't need a hug."

"It's ok, shhh."

"I'm fine. Reese!"

"Malcolm, I told you, if you're going through something, I'm here for you. I just can't, you know, do anything else with you. I hope you can understand that."

"Right... Uh, thanks."

"So, what's bothering you?"

"You. Get off my bed."

"I know you like me, but it's ok. I trust you. We're not gonna do anything."

"I don't like you!"


"OW! Whatthefuck! You can't punch me for that!"

"Yes I can."

"How exactly is that justified?"

"You're lying, which you don't have to do anymore, I told you, I'm here for you."

"But I don't like you."


"-Stop! Don't!"

"Or you can just tell me I'm not attractive. That's fine too. But then I don't think I can respect you anymore."



"So just so I have this right... if you don't respect me, whatever that means, you're gonna be a dick to me instead?"

"I think that seems logical, don't you?"

"Yeah, in Bizarro-World."

“I think I’m justified in being upset if someone told me I’m ugly.”

“I’m not saying that.”

“Well, I know that. That’s because you like me. Which is totally fine. I told you, I’m cool with you being gay. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’re totally normal, Malcolm, and I’ll beat up any kid that tries to beat on you for it.”

“That’s one of the nicest things you’ve ever said to me, and also one of the most ignorant.”

“Hey, I just want you to know I’m here for you.”

“I got that. I heard you the first time.”

“I don’t want you to get the wrong idea though, it’s not like I like you.”

“Yeah, I know that.”

“Like, just cuz we’re sitting in bed together doesn’t mean anything, ok?”

“Yeah, I think I got that. Thanks.”

“I’m just being accepting of your special needs. So if you ever need to talk or go shopping or something, we can totally do that.”

“Uh, I don’t have special needs. But thanks.”

“I think you’re keeping a lot of frustration bottled up. Shhh...“

“-Reese, stop it.”

“...It’s ok. I know it must have hurt to act straight for so long.”

“Not what I was saying. I meant get off me.”

“What? Gays like hugs.”

“So do most people, not just gays.”

“So? Then what the hell is your problem?”

“My problem is you. Get off my bed so we can go to sleep.”

“God Malcolm. You don’t need to take it out on me.”

“I’m not taking it out on you. You are the problem.”

“Look, I told you it’s fine if you like me. Don’t get so defensive.”

“I want to strangle you right now.”

“...Uh. Don’t take this the wrong way, but that’s not some gay way of saying you wanna jerk me off or something, right? Cuz I thought I made myself clear about that.”

“What?! NO!”


“You’re fucking crazy!”

“You’re being a really huge dick right now, Malcolm. I mean- Shit- I didn’t mean it like that. Am I allowed to say that?”


“Sorry, I didn’t say something anti-gay, did I? You have to tell me.”

“Ohmygod. Just shut up. Just, like really. Just shut up.”

“Look, I’m trying to accept your new lifestyle.”

“Fine. No, it’s not offensive to gays to call me a dick. Just, let’s leave it there and go to bed already.”

“Ok good. See, that wasn’t so hard. So don’t be such a dick.”

“Maybe you could stop with all the dick and cock euphemisms then.”

“I don’t know what that word means, but if you need to talk about guys’ junk, that’s totally fine.”

“It means-... It mean’s... I really can’t talk to you anymore.”

“Malcolm. It’s fine, honestly. I’m confident in my masculinity.”

“I'm sure you are.”

“Pardon? I didn’t hear that.”

“I said, I’m sure you are.”

“Look, stop hitting on me.”

“I’m not fucking hitting on you!”

“You just said-“

“I was being an ass is what.”

“I said stop hitting on me. I don’t need to hear that.”


“Ok? I’ve set limits.”

“... Uh... What is it exactly that you’re hearing me say? Cuz I must be missing something.”

“I just think that’s TMI.”

“Which part of what I said is TMI?”

“Hearing you’re a bottom. That’s what they, you I mean, call it, right?”


“You said you’re an ass bottom. And I think that’s TMI. It’s not something I need to be picturing. You can talk about other guys I suppose, but I don’t tell you about stuff I do in bed.”


“Although, I guess, maybe I should? Like, I bet, actually, I bet brothers tell each other what they get up to with chicks all the time. So it should be only fair you can do that too.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean, I’m sorry. You can tell me whatever you want about your sexual preferences. I’m just gonna have to learn to be understanding I suppose. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”

“Again... uh, what?”

“You started telling me about you being a bottom. So go for it, I wanna hear it.”

“I said no such thing.”

“Look, I said it’s ok. Ok?”

“You wanna hear about my... uh, sexual preferences? Are you crazy? What the hell happened to Reese? Where did my brother go?!”

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay, Malcolm. So you can talk about whatever you like. I can tell you about Cindy Chow. Like, she totally let me touch them over her shirt a few days ago. See? I should be able to say that, and you should be able to tell me about whatever you do with other guys.”

“I don’t do anything with other guys and I think you know that.”

“Well, high school guys can be like that, but I’m sure you’ll find someone you like and who likes you back. Who isn’t me. I have to say that.”

“Right. ...I, know that. All of that. Thanks for nothing.”

“I know it’s frustrating, but it’ll be ok. Ok?”

“No. Wha-, stop with all the hugs.”

“Just let it out, shhh. You can hug me back, I’m not intimidated by that. Just, that’s all this is. Ok?”



“Jeez, fine. There.”

“Good, now tell me what’s bothering you.”

“Other than you?”

“Well, I suppose we can talk about me if that’s what you want.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Is there someone else you like more?”


“You’re being difficult again. I told you, you should just tell me if you get urges around me. That’s the kind of thing people tell to therapists to get it off their shoulders.”

“I really don’t get what you want me to say.”

“I mean, I can’t do anything about your urges, so don’t ask. But you can tell me if you’re turned on right now.”

“I’m not! EW! How can you think that?”

“If you were turned on by me, like right now, you can say it and I would totally understand, you know. That's all.”

“...Uh, you would be ok with that? ...Nevermind. We can just stop talking about this now. I’m not gay anymore! Surprise!”


“Yeah, I’m like, not gay anymore, so get off me and go back to your own bed and maybe in the morning you’ll be a normal person again.”


“Dude. You’re petting me. I said, get off me and stop being broken. I’m done with this weird shit.”

“Stop lying. I have you.”


“Ok, I’m gonna do something you obviously need. And I’m only gonna do this once. Ok?”

“No. Not ok, whatever it-“




“You kissed me is what!”

“You were asking for it.”

“... Uh... I... what? How?!”

“You don’t have to push me. That was probably your first gay kiss, you should be happy.”

“Yeah, I suppose it was now, but I didn’t want it. I’m not gay, remember?”



“I’m being really understanding! Don’t shove me. That fucking hurt!”

“This is you being understanding?! What the hell didn’t you understand about I’m not gay?”

“You don’t have to be rude about it. It wasn’t even that bad.”

“Wasn’t... that bad? Have you lost your mind or something?”

“Yeah, I mean, I can see why someone might be gay.”

“Sure, I can too. But I’m not gay, and as far as I know, you aren’t either.”

“Uh... what if I was?”



“Well, are you?”


“Then what the hell are you asking me for?”

“I dunno, maybe I am. I'm just asking. How do you know?”

“You just said you aren’t.”

“Yeah, I’m definitely not gay. But how do I know?”

“How do you not know? You just said that you aren’t.”

“Yeah, but how do I know for sure?”

“I don’t know. Why the hell should I know how you feel?”

“Cuz you’re gay. So I figured you could tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“If I’m gay?”

“What...? How the hell am I supposed to know that? Like, even if I was. And I'm not.”

“Well, I’m not sure.”

“How are you not sure? You just said like ten seconds ago that you’re definitely not.”

“Well, I’m not. But how do I know?”

“Oh god... so are you? Or aren’t you? It’s pretty simple.”

“Look, I don’t know. Kissing you wasn’t bad. What does it mean if I liked it?”

This is what’s got your panties in a knot? I’ll tell you what it means- It means mom dropped you on your head as a child and the damage is only now manifesting.”

“Does this mean I’m bi?”


“Hey! I didn’t roll my eyes at you when you came out.”

“Look, I can’t tell you if you’re gay or not.”

“Maybe I’m bi.”



“Fiiine... why would you be bi then?”

“Cuz I think I liked kissing you.”

“Stop saying that.”

“Well, what’s the problem?”

“Wha- what’s- What’s. The. Problem? ...Really?!”

“Yeah, you’re gay. And I could be gay. It might be better if we practiced more, you know, to make sure, that’s true...”

“That’s hardly what I was trying to say.”

“So we should practice more then...”

“That’s definitely NOT what I was saying.”

“...And if Cindy whatsherface lets me feel her tits again I can tell you if I’m gay or bi or whatever.”

“Right. Cuz you can’t just tell right now.”

“Yeah. Exactly. That’s what science nerds like you do, right? Run experiments to determine stuff.”

“So you want to kiss me for the third time tonight as an experiment? And then you wanna go feel up Cindy Chow also as an experiment?”

“I’m sorry, is that offensive?”

“Reese, there is something seriously wrong with your brain.”

“Look, you don’t have to be rude. Just tell me it’s rude to want to kiss some other chick after I make out with you.”

“Well, yeah, it might be a little rude if I gave a shit about kissing you.”


“...Reese? Look, you’re not serious-“

“Just leave me alone if you don’t give a shit about me.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Well that’s what you said.”

“I said about kissing you. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“You just- ...Malcolm, just leave me alone.”

“Hey, come back here. You’re not serious, are you?”

“Yeah, of course I am.”

“About which part? I’m really confused. What part isn’t a joke?”

“None of it. I'm trying to be open and shit. God Malcolm, you can be such a dick. I was trying so hard to be nice too.”


“I feel so stupid.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Yeah, you should be. I was really nice to you when you came out of the closet.”

“But Reese, you’re not actually coming out of anywhere. I know you, you’re totally straight.”

“Yeah, except that I like being with you when we’re not cutting each other’s heads off. There! I said it.”

“I don’t think that’s gay, and it’s not, and you know that.”

“I think that was pretty damn gay a few minutes ago.”

“Yeah, well, I never said you should kiss me.”

“It wasn’t the worst idea in the world.”

“...Uh, yeah, it kind of was.”

“I thought you were turned on.”

“That sentence is all kinds of wrong, you know that, right?”

“All you have to say is you aren’t. You don’t have to make me feel like shit. Which you’re really good at doing.”

“I’m sorry. I really don’t know how to deal with this. I wanna be here for you, but I’m not even sure that this isn’t actually some kind of joke.”

“For someone so smart, you’re such a tool.”


“You’re just really good at making other people feel stupid.”

“Yeah, I know that. It happens.”

“Well, maybe when it does, you can like apologize.”

“I thought I did.”

“You know, when you said you were gay I didn’t make fun of you.”

“Yeah, but I’m not actually gay. And you were hitting me.”

“Maybe you need more time to figure yourself out or something, but I wouldn’t make fun of you.”

“You? You wouldn’t make fun of me?”

“Well yeah. I didn’t, did I?”

“Where is my brother? Like honestly. Did they replace your brain with an aliens?”

“You’re doing it again.”

“Sorry. God.”


“So... you think you’re gay. How can I help you with that?”

“I dunno. Since you’re confused too, I think we should, you know, like try it out again.”

“Try what out...? Kissing?”

“Yeah, but for real this time.”

“Reese. You’re my brother. Even you have enough brains to figure out we can’t do that.”

“God Malcolm! Everything that fucking comes out of your mouth is some smartass comment! Just leave me alone.”




“I’m sorry. Just, you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, so I know. But I don’t really care.”

“Well, I’m sorry, I’m not interested. Sorry.”


“... Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I think it’s really hypocritical of you.”

“What part?”

“I kissed you when I didn’t feel so comfortable about it.”

“Then I don’t think you’re using the word right. And I also need to remind you, for the millionth time, that you’re straight. Still. You’re not gay.”

“You said you can’t tell someone else if they are or aren’t.”

“Well, that was when you were asking me. Now I’m telling you.”

“I don’t see the difference.”

“There isn’t really. But Reese, be serious. This is ridiculous.”

“It’s ridiculous for me but not for you? Is that it?”

“No. That’s not what I meant. You’re taking it the wrong way.”

“Then how can you tell me what I feel, huh?”

“...I suppose I can’t. But I’ve known you my whole life and I find this thing tonight pretty hard to believe.”

“Well shit happens.”

“...I suppose it does.”

“Don’t laugh!”

“Ow! Jeez, don’t be a girl.”


“Reese! You dick, get off me! Quit it.”

“Don’t tell me how I feel!”

“Don’t tell me shit happens then.”

“Shit just happens.”

“Ah, fuck. Stop!”

“You gonna stop squirming if I do?”

“You’ve got me pinned. So yeah.”

“So you wanna do me a favor so I can figure it out or what?”

“What? Kiss you?”

“Yeah. But for real.”

“It’s not gonna help you figure out if you’re gay. Cuz you’re not, trust me. Also, we really need to stop talking about this while you’re straddling me. This is all kinds of wrong.”

“You’re such a pussy, Malcolm. Maybe you are a bottom.”

“Stop talking.”

“So, we gonna do this or what?”

“No. No way.”


“Oh jeez. Just stop talking about it. Like now.”

“Am I turning you on?”

“NO! Ohmygod.”

“You sure? I mean, you could just be saying that cuz you like this.”

“I’m positive that’s not it. That’s why I said No.”

“What if I am?”

“Stop talking. Like, now.”

“Look, it’s not a big deal. We make out a little, and I figure out if I’m gay.”

“Stop. Now. Please.”


“That’s not how it works even.”

“How do you know?”

“Cuz it just doesn’t.”

“Then how do I know I liked kissing you? I’m pretty sure it would be ok if we made out.”

“I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t.”

“I meant I’m pretty sure I would like it. But we should make sure.”

“No we shouldn’t. Please get off me now.”

“But then you’d run away.”

“Yeah, that’s kind of the point.”

“No. Not until we make out.”

“Jesus! Are you listening to yourself?”

“Fine! God!”



“Pretty sure that would have been called rape.”

“Pretty sure you would have liked it.”

“I would not have liked it.”

“Wanna bet?”

“No. You’ve gotta be joking.”

“Actually, I think that’s a really good idea. I bet you’d like making out.”

“With girls- yeah, I’ll bet my arm on that. With you- not so much.

“You’re bluffing.”

“Am not.”

“Take the bet then. I’ll make it worth your while.”

“I don’t think you have a million bucks lying around.”

“I’m not gonna need a million. You’ll like it.”

“Fine, then what are you willing to bet?”

“You’re gonna do it?”

“Ha! Maybe. Depends on if you’re willing to lose something I want.”


“What are you laughing at?”


“What about me?”

“Willing to lose something you want, eh? I didn’t know you were into me that much.”

“Oh no! That’s totally not what I meant.”

“Oh look, that’s cute, your cheeks are all pink.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“You sure? ...?”

“Yes I’m sure! God.”

“Shame. It’d be flattering.”

“Ohmygod. How on Earth is that possible? -Never mind. I don’t want to know.”

“Ok, so it’s funny. But on the other hand, I’ve never had a girl wanna sleep with me before.”

“I don’t wanna sleep with you.”

“I got that. But it’d be cool if you did.”

“What’s gotten into you?”

“I dunno. Maybe I’m more open to change than you are. Before I started cooking I thought it was the stupidest thing ever. Then I tried it. People change their minds about things, you know.”

“People don’t change their minds about being gay and wanting to sleep with their brother.”

“Who says I want to sleep with you? I just said it’d be cool if you wanted to.”

“Isn’t that so similar it’s almost the same thing?”

“Not really.”


“So how about... uh, how about my bike?”

“The one you stole from that one kid? What about it?”

“If you don’t like making out with me, you can have it.”

“Ok. I don’t like making out with you. Is it mine yet?”

“No. Obviously we have to make out first.”

“That sounds so wrong.”

“So is the bike good enough for the bet?”

“You’re willing to bet that bike? It’s a pretty nice bike, Reese, you sure?”

“Hell yeah. I’ve kissed girls before. That bike isn’t going anywhere.”

“You’re that sure? Then how about you throw in Dewey-punching rights for a month?”


“And if mom wants anything cleaned, you do an actual good job, no matter if she asks me or you-“


“-for a month.”


“Jeez Reese. You’ve almost got me worried.”

“You laugh now. But you’ll see. I’m right.”

“You can’t be right cuz I’m not gay and I don’t like you.”

“Give me, uh, ten seconds and I’ll prove you wrong.”

“Hey, that’s way too long. That’s gross.”

“Hey, I did say make out.”

“So what do I have to give you if you’re right and I end up liking this?”

“Nothing. Just, don’t stop it if you like it.”

“Uh, you know I can’t do that.”

“What’s the big deal if you’re so sure you’ll hate it?”


“So we got a deal?”

“Ten seconds for the bike and Dewey-rights and all the cleaning for a month?”


“Anything else I can throw on top?”

“Sure, anything you like. You’re not gonna win.”

“Why are you so adamant to make out?”

“I dunno. I just think it would sort out both our shit.”

“I don’t have any shit to sort out.”

“You say that now...”

“-Hey! That’s not part of the deal. Don’t be creepy.”


“I mean don’t touch my neck.”

“How do you think people make out, Malcolm? They usually hold each other somehow.”


“Like this.”

“Just get this over with.”





“You totally like this.”

“Do not.”



“Fuck, I can feel you through your shorts.”

“Ohmygod, no you can’t.”

“You know I can.”

“Then get off me.”




“Oh fuck, Reese.”

“I know, right?”

“No, seriously... we can’t do this.”

“Why not? You like it.”

“Do not.”

“Dude, I know you want that bike, but you’re totally lying.”

“I can’t say I like this.”




“Oh god.”

“Yeah, seriously.”

“If I say I like this, can we stop?”

“You’re asking me? Why on earth would I want to stop?”

“Cuz you’re my brother. Duh.”

“Any other reason?”

“...Uh, not really I suppose. But I don’t think I need another one.”

“Well then I totally won. And I think you agreed to not stop until you didn’t like this anymore.”

“Yeah, but dude, I can totally feel your hard-on on me. And I think we both know that can’t happen. There’s like a rule against this type of shit.”

“Why, cuz I might do this?-“

“Uh, oh... yeah. That. Oh god.”


“This definitely is not allowed. Like, oh god, Reese.”

“Just shut up. And spread your legs more.”

“No way!”


“Oh fuck! That feels...”

“...Pretty damn good. I told you I had a good feeling about this.”

“Don’t laugh.”




“Ok, what am I, a girl? You can’t kiss me there and rub on me like we’re fucking.”

“How about I just stroke us off together then?”

“What?! No!”

“You mean you might just like that too much?”

“No, I mean, you just- we just, can’t.”

“Oh don’t be such a prude.”

“-Dude! What the hell!”

“Well, I need to take these off if we’re about to get off together, right?”

“Except that we totally aren’t.”

“You don’t want to?”

“Uh, well, at this point I’m probably gonna go finish off in the bathroom...”

“Don’t be stupid. It’d be so much better together.”

I’m the one that’s being stupid here?”

“Uh, yeah. I’m so fucking hard right now and you wanna go jerk off alone in the bathroom. Who sounds like the idiot now?”

“You! Cuz we’re brothers!”

“Keep your fucking voice down.”

“...Ok, you can stop doing that now. So I can get up.”

“Don’t be an idiot, Malcolm. Just let me lower your boxers.”

“Do you know how wrong that fucking sounds?!”

“Just lower your voice and lift your ass.”


“See? Better.”

“Oh fuck.”

“I told you.”

“Fuck Reese. Really... god.”

“Fuck, you feel good.”

“Ugh. Don’t say shit like that.”

“You do. You’ve got a great dick. I mean, I wouldn’t know to compare to much, but I think you do.”

“Please shut up.”





“You close?”

“Fuck. Yes.”






“Yeah, we can’t do that again. Like, never again. You got that?”

“No way. After that?!”

“Yeah, exactly. We can’t do this shit again. Go get some Kleenex.”

“You know what I meant.”

“I don’t care. We’re not doing this again.”

“So what do you wanna do next time then?”

“Go to bed. Asleep. Two and a half hours ago. That’s what.”

“Screw that. You’d be a great lay.”

“I’m going to hit you if you ever call me that again.”


“I’m honestly going to hit you, Reese!”

“Here’s Kleenex, your majesty.”


“Naw. You’re bottoming.”

“What? No fucking way. And we’re not talking about this.”

“Don’t see why not. I mean, we don’t have to right away. But I think we’ve obviously been missing out here.”

“Fuck. No.”

“Oh get over yourself. You liked it. And I know you’ll take that over your right hand in the shower any day, so stop being such a girl.”

“Says the gay guy.”

“Uh... bi. I think I can say bi. Just don’t tell anyone or I swear I’ll knock your teeth in.”


“Malcolm, I swear to god. I will.”

“Calm down. I’m not going to.”


“Yeah yeah. Honestly. Trust me, there isn’t a soul in the world I plan on telling about this.”

“Oh yeah, that. Well, that comes in handy.”

“Yeah, you know, us being brothers and all. That. Moron.”

“Hey! This moron got you off so good I bet you saw stars.”

“Shut up, Reese.”

Shut up Reese.

“Wow. Way to be mature.”

“You know that’s not one of my fortes.”


“So next time-“

"Shut up."

"-Bombs away!"

“Ohmygod, shut up. We are so sunk.”

“Relax. I love you too, little brother.”