Chapter 1: WORM YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE
WORM YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE
Let's say the sky had fallen down, and the world had burnt to a crisp... well, that would monumentally suck. Tom Kaulitz was feeling kind of like that right now as he once again hid in his bunk trying to avoid his younger twin brother.
He took turns either cradling his knees to his chest, or shoving his face so deep into his pillow it would muffle the cries that got stuck in his throat. Yes, Tom was miserably trying to swallow what felt like a lump of coal in his chest and wondering what the fuck had just happened in his life; because an hour ago everything had been so much simpler. He would trade his new Audi if he could go back and be blissfully unaware again. Now however, his heart and his head were at war and everything in between was numb with pain. And he had caused it.
He felt incredibly stupid. He wanted to bash his head against the walls until whatever he had been thinking when he kissed his brother would leak out and die on the floor. Then he could stomp on the graymatter and hopefully it would turn back time.
Sixty short minutes ago, Tom's only worry was that Bill had bitched at him about dirtying their microwave. Then by some seemingly normal series of events he had managed to push him back into the kitchen counter and kiss him until they were both breathless with lust. Then he pretty much swore and ran away to his bunk when he realized what he had just done. And here he was.
Bill had thankfully not come after him yet as this was not a state Tom liked anyone seeing him in, even his twin. The guitarist actually couldn't remember the last time he cried, and if there ever was a time for it, this deserved it. But he couldn't. He knew he had made a mess of things, so his dramatics were warranted, but he wasn't the one that was supposed to cry. He wouldn't allow it. There was anger instead, lots of it, mostly at himself for being a retard. He sighed uneasily, still choked up.
The sounds of his twin shuffling about outside his bunk curtain sharpened his hearing and quieted is fretting until he was only hugging his comforter in a rather aggressive manner. He took several deep breaths and hoped sleep would claim him soon.
Bill was dragging his legs, pacing the small kitchenette and dining area of their tourbus. The younger brother was also doing a reality check on himself; a thousand What The Fuck?'s going through his head as well, while he developed an increasingly massive heartache.
All his carefully guarded secrets were out in the open. He couldn't believe that he'd said everything out loud. But more importantly, he couldn't believe Tom had kissed him. It was what he'd been trying to achieve for years now-- so on one hand, it was a good thing. On the other hand, Tom had panicked and run away like a scared puppy with his tail between his legs. The weary singer didn't know what to think or which part of the whole debacle he should feel worst about.
It was getting late at night, and Bill knew that if he stayed up much later he would regret it in the morning, especially when David would recite the band's very full schedule at breakfast. Going against his best instincts (again, as he had earlier in the night), he made what he knew was probably a poor decision and followed Tom to bed.
The red velvet curtain of Tom's bunk taunted Bill for a few seconds before he struck up the courage to move it aside. Carefully, he sat down beside his older sibling, who was currently huddled in towards the small window, his back to Bill.
"Hey," Bill begun softly. When Tom only shook his head in response, he knew that what had happened between them affected his brother as much as (if not more than) himself. The singer rested his hand on the elder's shoulder, trying to comfort and calm him down. It took a while, but Tom finally reached up and grasped Bill's hand in his, massaging his palm the way he sometimes did when they were nervous before a concert.
Feeling as if the gesture was a good sign, Bill took the opportunity to declare his foremost thoughts. "I'm sorry," he said, "I'm so sorry. It's not your fault, Tomi. I should have told you sooner." He paused, and then under his breath mumbled, "Or maybe I should have just kept my big mouth shut. I'm so dumb."
In the quiet of the bus, Tom had heard Bill clearly and turned around to look him in the eye. "Bill, you're not dumb, ok?" He wiped a hand across his own face, then let out a sigh deep enough to empty his lungs. They both looked tired and worn out, and Tom for one didn't want to re-open the can of worms again so soon. "Look, just forgive and forget? At least for tonight."
"Just don't say anything else right now," Tom interrupted him, and Bill looked at him with a wide, questioning gaze. "We can talk about it some other time."
Tom shuffled the blanket until he was in a comfortable sleeping position beneath it, and then flipped up a corner in invitation to his twin. "I need to think, but I also need my brother. You can sleep here if you like," he stated, "if you're not too uncomfortable."
There was a part of Tom that hesitated getting so close again so soon, afraid that what had blinded him earlier would do the same and he'd end up making out with his brother again. Then there was the other side of him that felt the same as it always had, as if nothing had ever gone up in flames; he still wanted his brother for comfort. Bill was like his security blanket, and at least for now he forced himself not to be scandalized by his proximity, and just act like normal siblings.
Bill got under the covers timidly. Maybe Tom wasn't afraid of getting close, but Bill had been living with his lies for years, and after tonight he was even more anxious than usual of doing something inappropriate. He craved contact with his brother in sinful ways and their moment of passion had sparked Bill's desires anew. His whole body was tingling with sexual anticipation as he settled in beside Tom.
Even though he knew he needed to behave, and that this was a serious and delicate situation, his mind was going haywire from Tom's unexpected reciprocation. Tom had kissed him. Granted, he had slipped up and had been extremely forward with his advances. His emotions were smoldering and high-strung from having finally told his brother the truth, warping his mind until he couldn't stop pursuing his goal. He was a sick twisted freak who was madly in love with his twin and had saved his virginity for him, and Tom was all he had eyes for in that moment.
It had obviously been a mistake to speak of his desires, but it led to the best thing Bill had ever felt. It made his heart race, his knees weak, and his blood boil thinking back to their kiss. Bill cherished it, reveled in it, playing it over and over in his head.
Tom had pushed him back and rubbed his very obvious hard-on into Bill's. The young singer's insides coiled in pleasure, his skin feeling the ghost of the elder twin, every touch imprinted. Bill could have sworn Tom had growled slightly before leaning in the last few inches and devouring Bill's mouth in the most heated kiss his little brother had ever experienced. He had been so caught up in the moment.
He had paraded his tongue ring all through his brother's mouth, tasting every corner, lunging deeper every time, as Tom met every assault with even more vigor. His touches branded Bill's willing body, and Bill only wanted to give him more. It had been so erotic, yet only a glimpse into Bill's illicit fantasies.
A blush colored his cheeks in the dark, and he repositioned himself just a little farther from Tom. It wouldn't do any good to get aroused again.
But Tom had then stopped their lips moving, and squeezed Bill to his chest so hard he couldn't help but stop their progression, and when he looked into his eyes, Bill saw hurt and distress there. Tom then broke their line of sight and left the kitchen without another word.
The experience left Bill feeling more vulnerable than he'd ever felt before.
"Good night, Tomi," he whispered bashfully, wondering what Tom's true motives were.
When Tom woke up the next morning, he found he wasn't alone in his bed. The previous night's events flooded back into his conscious far too quickly for his liking.
Although it wasn't unheard of for the twins to share a bed, this morning it felt completely different to Tom. A chill ran up his spine, making his shoulders roll in revulsion. He knew it wasn't from the chill in the morning air, but from the sight of Bill wrapped in his bedsheets. Somehow the image wasn't right. Today it reminded him of the times he would wake up with random girls in his bed, and yet he was aware that waking up with Bill beside him was nothing new and nothing unseemly. He ran a hand over his sleepy eyes and bushy eyebrows, and instead of braving the crisp air filtering in through the tourbus vent system, he laid back down for a bit longer.
Bill slept peacefully with his ebony locks strewn over his pillow, as Tom watched in wonder. Bill was beautiful and delicate looking; Tom had always thought so when he got the time to admire him. That was his little brother Bill. Nothing had changed.
But something had changed. The connotation with which his thoughts described Bill was entirely different. Tom's cheeks colored in remembrance.
Tom felt ashamed of his actions the previous night, and all his mind could think about was incest right now; how repulsing it was, how disgraceful Bill was for wanting it, and how he himself had fallen prey to its blandishments.
Tom felt dirty for having wanted it. He remembered the way Bill confessed his desires to him, and every word that fell from his lips had entranced Tom. It was like something Tom never thought he could touch was suddenly within his reach-- and even though he was scared and didn't want to proceed, there was still an amazing thrill from being able to. A thrill akin to victory.
His gaze landed on his brother's full lips.
He could kiss them. Again. And Bill would let him.
But he shouldn't. He shouldn't even be thinking about it.
Disgusting. Kissing your brother. It was insane.
Bill wanted it though, among other things.
Bill was insane then. Not Tom.
And even through Tom's guilt and disdain and denial, curiosity still peeked through. He was seeing his brother Bill, but also the Bill he saw last night. Both were calling to be discovered.
Tom traced his index finger over Bill's bottom lip. It bounced back and Tom remembered how soft they were against his own. His hand trailed further down to Bill's neck and he reached into Bill's hair, caressing lightly. The shape of his brother's jaw, the smoothness of his skin, the way his eyelashes formed perfect semi-lunes against his cheeks, it was all very familiar. And yet, Tom had never been so interested in seeing and feeling all of it. All of Bill.
He felt his dick harden between his legs and closed his eyes.
"I'm still a virgin. I lied," Bill had told him.
"I didn't sleep with any of them, I only wanted you."
Tom's other hand dug through the covers to reach his own boxers, and palmed the erection forming inside. He could have passed it off as morning wood, but Tom knew otherwise. Part of him was completely repulsed, and the other half was intrigued beyond belief to know he had the green light to Bill's most private areas. It was chaos and warfare in the young guitarist's mind.
How could this have happened? Tom wanted to break down. Bill was his everything, and now it felt as if some disease had corrupted their relationship. He could feel it, meandering up his back, winding up through his veins, eating at him from the inside.
It made him feel sick.
Usually Bill would be there to bring him tissues and hot soup and blankets, and they would curl up together and watch silly movies until Tom felt better; but this wasn't that kind of sick. Usually he could have rested his head on Bill's shoulder and squeezed him when his heart hurt and Bill would always be there for him. But Bill was suffering from the same thing, and worse.
How could Bill make this better now, when it was Tom who needed to hold on to Bill? What was the cure for these blasphemous feelings his brother had?
Tom's fingers drifted past Bill's clavicle to rest on his pectoral. His brother's chest rose and fell with every breath, and it calmed Tom to feel his twin's heartbeat. Both the Bills reunited into one when Tom felt the steady beat was just like his own.
Everything was just like his own. He felt whole like this. Everything dirty was gone, and they were just soulmates.
He looked at his watch. Time to get back to reality. They needed to get up, get dressed, and go meet David and the rest of the crew.
Bill didn't know what to think the next day. Every question he'd had last night was still bubbling inside him, and so far Tom hadn't answered any of them. Granted, they hadn't really had time to themselves either. David, their bandmates, or some member of their staff had accompanied their every move, and as the twins sat side by side in a van on the way back from the last appointment of the day, Bill felt about ready to puke from anxiety.
After saying bye to their crew and climbing aboard their private tourbus, the two Kaulitzes were feeling very different.
Bill was staying quite, even though everything in him wanted to start talking. Like, start talking really fast, kind of loud, maybe even scream a little to relieve the nervousness. Oh gosh, he was in knots, and his fingernails were taking the brunt of it.
Tom on the other hand was feeling good that nothing awkward was being brought up. If he could keep this up for the rest of the night, then maybe he could do it again for a whole another day, and then maybe they could keep the subject off the radar for a whole week. And maybe the whole year?
He knew his little brother better than to actually think he could get away without talking about it though. Bummer. Bill was just giving him space to pull his head out of his ass and make up his mind about how he felt. Sooner or later, he'd have to decide what it was exactly that he felt and then talk.
But he had a little more time, and until then, they were going to be like they always were.
He offered Bill a cup of tea, which the young singer accepted with a please and thank you, and Tom proceeded to prepare two cups. They spent most of their night watching TV in silence.
This was good, thought Tom. They were being normal brothers. He'd sneak a peek at Bill once in a while to make sure he was ok. Yup, everything was ok, so he slung his arm around Bill's shoulders and drew him closer. This was more like it. No weird feelings.
Tom had zoned out, not really watching TV, not really thinking about how his fingers were drumming on Bill's thigh, and just kind of glad that Bill was beside him and not doing anything.
Bill's nerves were multiplying by the second however. Tom was touching him and he smelled like home and sex and everything he'd ever wanted. Kissing Tom had made everything much worse. Bill forced himself to keep a straight face and keep staring at the flatscreen in front of them.
It was so much harder for Bill to keep to himself now that Tom knew though, and when Bill couldn't stand it anymore, he got up and started doing dishes to keep himself occupied.
Tom's focus became the way his brother fidgeted by the sink. He watched the way his elbows wobbled as he put plates back in the limited cupboard space, the way his shirt had gotten splashed with water, and the way his jeans rode a few millimeters lower every time his hips would hit the counter accidentally.
There weren't enough dishes to do to settle Bill down. He was now replaying their kiss for the millionth time. The younger twin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He knew he needed to let Tom have his space, but he couldn't be quiet anymore.
As he stared out the window above the kitchenette sink, and his knuckles turned increasingly white from the grip he had on the counter ledge, he got lost in formulating how he could bring it up. When he came back down to Earth, he was startled to find that Tom was right behind him. He jumped and nearly fell over his own feet. Gladly, Tom caught him by the forearm.
"Watch yourself. You created a small swimming pool on the floor while you were washing dishes," he joked with a smile.
All Bill could feel was Tom gripping his arm, the warmth of his hand and his own hairs standing on end. He was still dazed and a bit disoriented.
When Bill didn't respond and just gawked like a fish out of water, Tom brought him closer. "Hey. You alright?"
Bill nodded weakly. His mind was flashing back to last night and the way Tom had asked him if he wanted this, right before he leaned in that final inch. He wanted it again.
"You sure?" Tom asked again goodnaturedly.
Bill paused, and then slowly shook his head from side to side.
Tom's heart broke a little, and he pulled his little brother into a big hug. "I'm sorry."
Bill wanted to ask what he was apologizing for, but he didn't really want to hear the answer. He didn't want Tom to regret kissing him. He didn't want Tom to think Bill's sick thoughts were his fault. The semi he'd developed deflated instantly.
"Tomi?" Bill whined, and Tom thought it meant come closer. As he had that morning, he laid his palm to Bill's breast to feel a familiar heartbeat.
Tom decided then that he was being childish and irresponsible trying to hide from reality. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt his brother. He would be more considerate and protective and maybe he should even strike up the courage to bring it up again. Maybe he should be more understanding.
Before Bill could utter any words he actually wanted to say, his heart melted at Tom's loving gesture. Maybe they could still behave like brothers for one more night. He could wait.
"Let go," Bill rasped. He pushed Tom away and without another word went and buried himself in his own bunkbed.
Chapter 2: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
Tom watched Bill closely the next day, stealing glances at him intermittently. Never before had he felt the need to keep such a close eye on his twin, but today he was noticing everything he already knew with new eyes. Yes, that was still his brother: dorky, and hyper, and a little conceited, but two days ago Bill had turned back time, re-written history with his forbidden admittance, and so Tom felt as if he was guarding a younger version of his Bill.
The guitarist paid attention to how Bill majestically ordered around their crew, how he shoveled food into his face at lunch, and how he daintily touched up his makeup in the bathroom mirror. Bill was radiant when he spoke, and gracious when accepting thanks as well though. In Tom's eyes, he wasn't as much of a diva as others believed. While those around him wondered what was up with Tom's dreamy stoned-looking grin the whole day, Tom was just beaming, proud of his twin's achievements and appreciating everything anew.
The Bill he'd always known had a small bundle of secrets hidden in his bosom and Tom had just received the key. Like any other kid, Tom's subconscious believed that the newer the toy, the more interest it held.
He shadowed Bill like a loyal puppy-dog.
Tom also noticed that Bill was more jittery and restrained towards him than usual, and he knew what it meant. Bill was nervous and wanted to say something. There was something up his sleeve.
Sure enough, there was, and Tom didn't have to wonder for long what it was.
That night, just a few minutes after Tom had settled down on their tourbus sofa, Bill strutted in back from the bunk area and sat down beside him. Tom's eyes followed Bill's graceful movements and how he splayed himself over the cushions. The younger twin was wearing a tiny black t-shirt so transparent that Tom could see his nipples through it faintly. At first, it seemed as though Bill was just scratching his chest lightly, but soon it was obvious he was playing with his nipple ring. Bill knew Tom was watching too and it occurred to Tom that Bill might be flirting with him.
"M'mm, it's hot in here," the young singer said as he ran a hand down his own thigh and then back up, perilously close to his crotch. His back arched, and Tom could have sworn he heard a moan.
Yup, Bill was definitely flirting with him.
Tom put his beer down on the coffee table and caught Bill's eyes. His brother had once again touched up his makeup and now his dark smoky eyes were a blazing fire; the honey color of his irises sparkling in contrast to his black pupils and eyeliner. He recognized the look on his face as want. He'd seen it on himself when he wanted a night with a pretty girl, and he'd seen it on Bill just two days ago.
When Bill opened his mouth just a fraction and his tongue peeked out to wet his full bottom lip, Tom was entranced. The air suddenly felt charged and the hairs on Tom's arms perked up. There was his brother being seductive, and it was directed at him. Tom gulped in anxiety, but didn't look away.
The next thing the poor guitarist knew, he had been pushed back by one of Bill's hands, as Bill straddled him on the couch. His hand was jerked up and Bill now held it where his own used to be; Tom's fingers were brushing Bill's pierced nipple. The thin t-shirt wasn't leaving much to the imagination and Tom felt disgusting and a bit scared all of a sudden. His vision was torn from this brother's chest to his face as Bill drew his chin upwards.
"Uh, Bill-" Tom began, but Bill cut him off.
"Do you like this?"
Tom stared dumbly for a few seconds before responding. "Um, no."
Bill looked disappointed. He moved Tom's hand away from his nipple, but only far enough that it was now more centered over his heart. Bill looked more desperate now. "How about this?"
"You feel like my brother. I like that." Tom responded. He could feel his brother's heart beat beneath his palm. It calmed him to know his brother was right there, but Bill looked so intent on this fantasy. "I don't know what else you want me to say."
"Just tell me what you feel." Bill said, and squeezed Tom's hand harder to his chest. "How can you not feel the same way I do?"
Tom almost felt pity. Bill must be feeling something he couldn't. Nonetheless, he tried to elaborate. "You're my soulmate, you're my best friend, Bill, but-"
"-What else do you feel?" His eyes begged Tom to understand.
"Uh, your heartbeat?"
"Yeah. And it's the same as yours, Tomi." He put his other hand on Tom's chest and held it there. "We're the same. I love you more than I love myself, more than anything else in the world."
"Bill..." Tom gulped, and he felt so shitty right then. He broke eye contact with his twin. If he had looked at Bill much longer, he could have cried. "Don't... I know. But don't say that."
Bill knew already which parts Tom was responding to. "Ok. Then how about I love you?"
"I love you too Bill." He whispered, but still couldn't look back up at his brother. Instead, he linked digits with the hand Bill had on his heart.
"I'm sorry I lied to you," Bill said in a new meek voice.
"It's ok. I think I'm getting over that part a bit easier than what you lied about."
"Shit." Bill squeezed Tom's hand one last time before letting go, and then laid his head down in the crook of Tom's neck. He lowered his voice because he was now speaking almost directly into Tom's ear. "Do you think I'm disgusting?"
Parts of Tom really did think that. But he couldn't say it out loud. It would only hurt Bill. Instead, he said, "I think it crosses a line, and it's not right." It's the simplest way he could describe it. He put an arm around Bill's back and stroked gently so Bill knew they could still be close, just not that close.
"I know," Bill sighed, "I know, ok? You think I don't know? I never even wanted to tell you. I don't know why I did. You just kind of kept pushing, and all those songs are about you, and then I kind of just couldn't shut up and I just said it all."
A long pause followed, in which Tom contemplated how to ask something that had been itching forward onto his mind for days, but was apprehensive about actually voicing.
"How long?" He astounded himself, as the words finally rolled off his tongue.
It was somewhat out of the blue, but Bill knew exactly what Tom meant. He shoved his face deeper into Tom's neck and wished Tom wouldn't hear him. "Um, a while."
"When you first told me you had sex with Angie?"
Bill hesitated to answer again. "Longer. Maybe a few years before that."
"Seriously?" Tom turned his head but couldn't fully see Bill's face. "We were so young back then though."
"So you wanted to, um, do stuff with me... back then?" Tom didn't quite know what to call his brother's odd feelings just yet.
"Well, it started out I was daydreaming about you, and then I saw you make out with some chick at a party one time and I remember, um, wishing it was me. And I didn't really think about it much, but then time kind of moved on, and it wasn't just random that I wondered what it would be like kissing you." Bill felt a bit more tongue-tied than he had two nights ago. It was harder to say this time. "Um, and then I realized girls weren't really doing it for me... they're cute and all, but you were just way better, and when I think about you... yeah."
Tom's caresses on Bill's back paused. He felt a little overwhelmed. "You think about me when you...?"
"Yeah, also, I mean, I don't have to think too hard I guess. I've seen you naked before." Oh god, Bill was word-vomiting again. He tittered uneasily.
Tom was about to protest, but then realized it was true. They lived so close together, they'd bumped into each other at odd moments many times, and other times just dealt with it out of necessity. Like back in Tokio Hotel's early days when Georg had accidentally ripped down the shower curtain in their first tourbus, and the next morning there was no time to get ready, so Bill brushed his teeth as Tom showered. He could think of a handful of other similar times as well, and now it left a bad taste in his mouth that what he thought of as 'innocent' apparently wasn't viewed the same by his brother. A flash of betrayal flickered through his many competing feelings in that moment. He cleared his throat and tried talking, but Bill continued before he could.
"You just turn me on. Way more than anyone else. I can't help it." Bill shrugged, and lifted himself up, so he was back to straddling Tom's legs and looking down at him. "You're so hot. You know that right?"
"How could you think that?" Tom looked back at Bill, feeling violated.
"You know you're hot shit. Don't give me that." Bill smiled for the first time in their conversation. Tom frowned. "We're twins. And I'm pretty fucking sexy too. Everyone knows it. You do too."
Tom's frown was still plastered to his face, but inside a spark of amusement had arisen due to Bill's cockiness. He brother was such a little diva.
"Tomi?" Tom grunted, and looked back at Bill. "I think we'd be amazing together. Can you imagine that?"
"We're fucking related Bill, I'd prefer not to." He gave his brother a stern look, viciously trying to drown the minority voice in his head telling him he would like it if he tried.
"Then why did you kiss me?" Bill countered with a smirk.
Tom opened his mouth to speak and after he couldn't think of a single thing to say, he closed it again. He swished possible explanations around in his mouth, but none were truthful. Discovering that he didn't have a valid excuse left him flustered. He looked elsewhere waywardly and hoped the question would just disappear.
Bill thought he could see a blush forming over Tom's cheeks. "You liked it, I bet you did."
"No, I didn't," Tom shot.
Bill almost laughed. "Not even a little? Don't lie Tom."
"Not even." The reply was somewhat unsteady however.
"Then why were you hard?" The redness in Tom's face flushed over his neck and ears as well, and Bill viewed it as winning more ground.
"I was hard because you turn me on," Bill said. He had gained some more balls and was going for broke. "I'd dreamed about kissing you so many times and there you were coming on to me. Is there another reason why you were turned on? I doubt you were thinking about someone else."
"I... wasn't. Ok? But..." Tom had no idea how to explain himself. He wished he could contradict every part of that sentence. But in fact, thinking back to how he kissed Bill was peaking his curiosity now as well. The side of him that thought it was gross was fighting a losing battle. "It was a one time thing."
Bill smiled like a cheshire cat. "I want it to be more than one time."
"I can't think of you like that, ok?" He returned his focus to Bill and tried to be as convincing as possible, even though inside he knew he was failing.
Bill's face fell for a moment, and then he paused. "Will you try?"
"Try for me. I won't do anything, just try and think what kissing me would be like."
"No, come on, just-"
"Fine, then touching me. You have no problems touching me." He raised Tom's hand and placed it against his cheek, cradling it. "See?"
That was true. Touching Bill was sometimes like touching himself, they did it so often. "Yeah, that's fine."
Bill moved Tom's hand to his mouth and let his fingertips graze over his lips. "Tell me what you feel. Whatever pops into your head. You always tell me everything, eventually at least." Tom felt Bill smile weakly, before his face dissolved into one of longing again.
"You take better care of your lips than I do. Mine are chapped."
Bill feathered kisses on Tom's fingertips, moving gently from one finger to the next. Tom let him do it as the nerves and butterflies in his stomach multiplied. Then Bill trailed Tom's hand lower, down to his pectoral again, just over his heart. "They beat the same, right?"
"Yeah, of course." Tom locked eyes with his twin.
"Do you trust me?"
"Yeah, but right now, only kind of."
"Do you trust yourself?"
"Right now, not at all."
"You. You're messing with my head."
Bill's eyes widened a fraction. "Seriously?"
"Yeah. I don't know why I kissed you. I'm-"
"-Please don't say you're sorry."
"Don't take it back. It was everything I have from you."
"No it's not, Bill." There were so many other words on the tip of his tongue. You have my heart and soul.
"It was... fuck." Bill took Tom's hand for a ride and pressed Tom's palm right onto his groin. The younger moaned wantonly, and closed his eyes for just a moment. "See?"
Tom could tell very well through Bill's tight black jeans that Bill was hard. And that look on Bill's face, oh god. Tom felt blood rush to his dick.
"Tom, I love you ok? Like my twin, but more too. I wish you felt what I do." He took Tom's other hand as well and ran it under his shirt until Tom's fingers were over that one pierced nipple again. "You feel like the other half of me. It's not wrong to me, not anymore. And I don't want anyone else but you. We could be so close."
Shit, he understood that want. Some of that, he felt too. The need to be closer, that's the part that scarred Tom. He wanted to be as close as possible, but how could that be sexual? How could it not?
Tom groaned. "Billa, fuck. You... just..." He didn't know what he was saying. He just needed to get his hand off Bill's crotch and out of this trap of a situation. In this moment, he couldn't trust himself. He whipped his hand away as if it had been burned, but the one that was clutched to Bill's breast was fully sequestered.
"Don't run away. Just touch." The words were seraphic and hypnotizing.
Tom's fingers were just in reach of Bill's pert nipple. When he flexed his middle finger, his nail clinked with the jewelry Bill wore there.
"Relax," Bill told him.
Tom threw his free arm over his face as a shield and closed his eyes. His fingertips caressed the small nub of flesh carefully, each taking a turn to feel it and its surroundings. Curiosity was taking over again, and he was starting to feel serendipitous. Bill remained still for the most part, but when Tom felt courageous enough to give his twin's nipple a pinch, Bill moaned and Tom could feel Bill's own hand had now reached down to palm the erection in his pants. When Tom moved his fingers with more deliberate desire, rolling Bill's nipple and then stroking down his side, then up his ribcage again, Bill's position shifted in his lap so that he was right above Tom's groin now. Tom bit his lip, his teeth pulling on his lip ring. He inhaled sharply and felt himself harden even more as Bill ground himself into him. Hard-on to hard-on.
"Shit," Tom murmured.
Bill let out a whimper of pleasure, and Tom pulled the arm off his face that he'd been using as a shield from reality. Who would want to admit this was actually happening to them?
He now clearly saw his brother above him, a debauched and breathless look on his face. "Fuck Bill," he muttered. It was hard to keep control with Bill writhing like that in his lap. Impulsively, he grabbed his brother by the hips and rutted up harshly at the same time as Bill pressed down. The friction was amazing. Bill discarded his t-shirt to a side, then bent over to kiss Tom's neck.
"Shit," the elder rasped again. His heartrate was picking up tenfold. "Shit." His hands couldn't find enough places to touch on Bill's torso, so they ran everywhere, never knowing where to settle. He had fallen down that slippery slope again, right into Bill's incestuous fantasy. Tom wasn't thinking straight, he knew it.
Bill nipped and sucked and kissed his way from Tom's clavicle to this Carotid, and up to his ear. In a way, he was trying to get as much loving in as possible before this opportunity was taken away from him. Because who knows, maybe he'd never get another chance to be like this with Tom ever again. This was Bill showing Tom that he belonged here, they could do this even if they were brothers. Oddly enough, it was Bill advancing on Tom, coaxing him in towards pleasure, even though it was the furthest he'd ever gone.
"Will you kiss me?" he whispered in his haste and runaway lust.
Those words woke Tom from his stupor, and he put an arm out, instantly stopping whatever delicious things Bill was doing to his neck. Bill backed down easily, but not quietly. "Don't stop, please."
"Seriously Bill, we can't do this." He put both hands on Bill to hold him at arm's length. Tom's conviction returned as his foggy brain cleared, so that he could once again say No.
"Yes we can, we both want it. I know you love me."
Tom felt sick inside again. "Bill, listen to me, I love you with all my heart, but not like that."
Given Tom's actions just seconds ago, Bill found that increasingly hard to believe. He decided on an alternative persuasive technique.
"But you'll never love anyone as much as me, right?" Bill caressed his fingers between Tom's black cornrows, while Tom felt slightly uncomfortable. He moved where Bill sat on him to a less compromising position, where there was a bit more distance between their loins, and hoped his erection would deflate.
"You'll always be my soulmate." Tom didn't want to push Bill away, he just didn't want Bill to push himself on him that sexually. It was disconcerting, and frankly quite frightening, because he could already tell his body loved it, but his mind hadn't quite caught up. He wished Bill would change his mind and not want such a relationship between them anymore, then everything could go back to normal.
But Bill was insisting. "But even if you find a wife or something, you'll still love me more, right?"
Tom felt his stomach flip at that question. He really didn't want to answer, but he begrudgingly did anyways. "Yeah. You know I will. But don't say it that way, it sounds wrong."
Bill's eyebrows furrowed. "Why the fuck do you care so much about what's right and wrong?!" His voice raised a few decibels in anger.
Tom should have known that Bill would get pissed off at the mention of Right versus Wrong, but now he'd stepped in it. He heaved a deep sigh.
"Because we don't live on Mars! We live in a society and sometimes it matters." Tom almost rolled his eyes.
Bill did roll his eyes. "Don't be daft. This is between us. No one has any say in what we want to do with our lives but us." Tom looked like he was about to counter, but Bill put a hand over his mouth. "Remember when we were young and everyone told us we were stupid 'cause we wanted to be rockstars? Remember?"
Bill waited impatiently. Tom nodded. "And even though it was hard, now we're rockstars even though everyone said we couldn't?"
The older twin's eyes looked away, but he nodded again.
Bill lifted his hand from Tom's mouth, but still dominated their debate. "Tomi, this is like that. I'm not giving up on you. You and me are forever. I know it."
Tom groaned. He still couldn't believe his life had taken such a drastic turn in so little time, and now he was getting aggravated. He'd reached the end of his patience and no longer wanted to deal with this.
"And you like me too. There's no way you don't. You just need to get used to it. You know, I was scared too back when I realized what the hell it was I was feeling. Just kiss me."
Tom pursed his lips and groaned. It seemed Bill wasn't getting the message, and it pissed him off a little. "Bill, no. I get it, but I don't want to. Shut up about all this stuff so we can go back to normal. Ok?"
"That's what you want, Tom? Normal?" Bill looked worried and sad, and felt similar to but much worse than a kid whose ice-cream cone just got knocked over.
Maybe there was a glimmer of hope that they could indeed go back to how things were, and that what was happening now wouldn't fuck up their relationship, and Tom wanted to have faith in that, but when he looked into his brother's eyes, Bill looked so fragile and trustful. It completely flipped the tables, making Bill seem the victim and Tom feel like the big bad wolf. It felt like he was stepping on that kid's ice-cream cone, crushing all Bill's dreams by saying No. Bill really did look like the naive little virgin he was, and it wasn't a light Tom was used to seeing him in. It made Tom soften his demeanor and remember that he still needed to be the nurturing big brother. "Well, yeah. All this stuff about you wanting me is all new and weird, and I miss last week."
"But we could be closer. We could be so much closer than how we used to be. Don't you want that?" Bill was pushing all the right buttons. It actually left Tom contemplating it for a few seconds before answering that one.
"That sounds great, but I don't know, Bill. This is too much right now. Get off, ok?" He couldn't take the onslaught of differing emotions much longer.
"Will you ever kiss me again?" The single kiss they had shared was monumental and Bill couldn't wait for another one. It would probably haunt him for the rest of him life. Tom thought so also, but in a very different way. He was starting to feel guilty already. His brother was obviously not the experienced sexual predator he used to compete for girls with anymore. That image had been shattered, and ever since, Tom started seeing a Bill that was more insecure and more loving. He didn't want to take advantage of that.
"I don't know. Maybe. I have no idea. I feel like my mind's in a blender, and we're not even hung over. I don't know how you stand having this huge weight on your shoulders." Tom got up from the couch, leaving Bill sitting on his haunches in a rather deflated manner. "Give me some more time. For now, can we just watch a movie?"
Bill shrugged pathetically. He felt stupid and listless.
Chapter 3: THERE’S SOMETHING TOM WANTS TO SAY
THERE'S SOMETHING TOM WANTS TO SAY
The next week brought no major changes between the twins. They were being civil to eachother, nothing out of the ordinary. Perhaps a few more Please and Thank You's than would normally be heard, but from the outside everything looked fine.
For most of the day, when other people were around as a distraction, Tom found that it was easy to fall back into what he'd always known with Bill: being brothers. They pulled Georg's hair, and Bill whined to David about some article of clothing he lost in a hotel room, and they continued their running joke of threatening to make Gustav talk in an interview. And almost everything felt normal.
But then came the time when a cute assistant girl was wiring mics on them, and it occurred to Tom that he couldn't elbow Bill in the ribs about it anymore. And while on the TV show, when Bill still answered the same questions about true love, Tom wasn't disengaged and lethargic, the way he usually just nodded along to whatever Bill said. Instead, he felt like puking in embarrassment.
Here he was trying to project the same macho womanizing image he always had, and inside he felt uncoordinated, unsure of himself yet overly self-aware, and like a moron fuck-up. He'd kissed his own brother for christsake! In that moment, embarrassment was an understatement. He felt a thousand eyes on him, judging him. He just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Things were changing; they'd crossed a landmark and Tom was fully aware of it.
It wasn't as if Tom disagreed with what Bill was saying to the TV show host, he just knew the truth behind his words now. The truth was making Tom feel guilty, that he was the reason his brother was fucked up; or worse, that he was the one that hadn't stopped all of it point-blank and in fact had lead him on.
When he did reach a bump in his otherwise dandy day, it was very hard for Tom to pick sides; every situation made him feel differently. Sometimes he thought it was completely obscene to make out with your brother. Other times, he thought it would bring them closer; that if they could understand eachother that deeply, that would be awesome. There was once even, when he saw Bill chatting with a very attractive male stage-hand who was obviously interested in his brother; then Tom actually felt not only protective but possessive and jealous as well.
It was full out war inside his head: flinging grenades and machetes and guerrilla tactics. It was a bloody feud with no end in sight.
So no, Tom couldn't say that nothing felt different, but at the same time, not everything had changed either.
It felt as if there were hick-ups rather. Just a few seconds where time would slow down and Tom would be reminded that what was happening in front of him was a lie. Heartache would hit him like a brick and then the next second, everything would fall back into place.
As their day wound down, and Tom settled himself on the couch in their tourbus, he realized that the hick-ups were getting to him. He easily counted ten times when reality had come back to haunt him, and his brain was feeling like noodles.
Tom could see that Bill was in the bathroom brushing his teeth, the singer having arrived a few hours before Tom to their bus, and now was probably getting ready for bed. Bill was leaning on the vanity rather heavily, which presented his boxer-brief-clad ass quite well.
The first thought Tom had was that his brother had a really great butt. After mentally chastising himself for such an inane thought, he nonetheless fell into a bit of a trance admiring his brother.
Bill's blouse covered a good amount of his upper body, but his pert behind peeked out from under it, trapped in a pair of black boxer-briefs Tom knew for a fact were very soft. The material was worn and he remembered touching them last time he had done laundry (at least a year ago). Back then he would have never sat around trailing his eyes up the length of Bill's legs like he was now. His legs looked smooth, and Tom became fixated on the inside of his thighs and how the skin there would undoubtedly feel softest.
Then the second thought Tom had was that Bill probably still wanted Tom to fuck him.
Shit. It was so strange knowing that he could walk up to his own brother, kiss him to kingdom come and then stick his dick up his pretty ass if he wanted to.
It still squicked him, but also intrigued his kinky side. Actually, it made him almost want to try it. Bill was apparently waiting for him anyways, and Tom was so tired, in need of something to relax. A good fuck, or maybe watching a movie with Bill curled up beside him? Both sounded like great de-stressors.
He shook his head. Nope, he couldn't think like that. He reminded himself that sex wasn't really an option and promptly pulled his head out of the gutter.
And so Tom obviously chose watching a movie, but it didn't stop him from admiring Bill's devotion. I mean, look at Bill! Six-foot-two, gorgeous lean body, pretty androgynous face, and impeccably groomed... there were thousands, if not millions of people (men and women) who would want that boy in their bed. But Bill only wanted Tom.
Even though he knew it was weird, it warmed Tom's heart to know Bill loved him that much.
The guitarist watched his younger brother move around the bathroom, and just as the latter finished up and was about to switch off the light in the tiny room, Tom stopped him. He felt like hanging out with his twin, he missed Twin Time.
"Hey, what's up?" asked Bill, a bit startled when he almost walked into the elder.
Tom shrugged one shoulder and smiled. "Nothing. Just wanted to see you." In that instant, he decided he wanted to prove that they could still be affectionate, without being sexual.
"Ok," Bill agreed, with a skeptical look.
"You're not going straight to bed, are you?"
"I was going to, but I don't have to. Got anything in mind?"
In truth, Tom had some pleasant and some rather perverted thoughts about his brother, but figured it would be best to only mention the pleasant and not ruin the moment. He was dedicated to proving a point after all.
The elder twin wrapped the younger in his arms and held him tight to his breast. He squeezed hard enough for Bill to emit a cute little yelp, and Tom laughed.
"You smell really good. Have I ever told you that?" Tom made a scene of smelling Bill somewhere around where muttonchops would normally lay, and it resonated loudly in Bill's ear.
"Tom, you goofball!"
Tom felt braver than he had in a while. "You're beautiful. Have I ever told you that either?"
A brilliant smile lit up Bill's face and turned Tom's brain into happy mush. "Yeah. I remember once, when we were teenagers."
"Oh. Well, I don't think I've said it enough. And I wouldn't choose anyone else to spend my life with but you."
"What's with all the praise tonight?" Bill pulled away just enough to look Tom in the eye. He was sure Tom was clueless as to how much he'd just admitted.
"I don't know. You were really open with me, so I figured I'd share some of the junk floating around in my noggin as well." Tom smiled wide, showing off his pearly whites. He was high on the adrenaline from being so close to Bill. He wrapped his arms low around Bill's waist, and pulled him into his embrace again.
"You're sweet, Tomi." Bill murmured appreciatively. "What else are you thinking about?"
"Anything in particular?"
"Only you," Tom replied in a dazed voice. He felt the connection between them. Tom's focus was solely on Bill, and he basked in the attention Bill devoted back to him. They were in their own little bubble somewhere resembling Eden, as far as Tom was concerned right now.
Bill raised one eyebrow in interest. "Oh yeah?"
"What do you think about if I didn't date anyone else?" His mind was enraptured, his actions uninhibited, and his questions blunt.
"I'd think... Umm." Bill wasn't sure how to respond. Tom was giving him mixed signals and leaving him tongue-tied. They hadn't discussed the kiss or anything related recently, and everything had seemed pretty normal. Now Tom was acting in a way Bill had never seen him act before. Except maybe for when they went up to Canada and smoked that huge joint one time. Bill was pretty sure that wasn't the case here though, and it left him stupefied.
"What about if I didn't fuck anyone ever again?"
That was a loaded question. Bill stared in puzzlement for a moment. "Tom, are you serious? I don't think you could do that." Maybe Tom was only asking hypothetically. Bill let out a nervous laugh.
"I don't know. I probably couldn't, but if I have you, that sounds pretty good right now."
This was much sooner than Bill expected his brother to come around to his side (a.k.a. "the dark side"). It wasn't a full affirmation on Tom's part that he'd converted, but Bill was excited for the progress Tom had made in only a week. He held on to his Tomi super tight and wished he could have this moment forever. Even if he never got any further with Tom, at least he had his undivided love.
As if Tom had read Bill's thoughts, he whispered, "My Billa."
He felt possessive, like no one should get to hold his Bill like this but him. Tom was dumb enough to consider celibacy in that moment; being close to Bill seemed worth it. And if Bill could do it, maybe he could too. He'd much prefer to touch and caress slowly, show Bill how much he loved him, and if he was being honest with himself, he wouldn't mind a soft kiss on the lips also. That sounded like heaven.
Tom didn't realize that over the last few days, his idea of brotherly affection had progressed slightly into what other siblings would deem sexual, or at least risqué.
Bill had his face right up in Tom's neck, rubbing against him and nuzzling in, behaving akin to a cute kitten. Tom was eating it up. His heartrate sped up, and his senses heightened, and he started roaming his hands just underneath Bill's t-shirt. The skin he found there was silky soft, warm, and very welcoming. It was fun just touching, exploring the small of Bill's back. And smelling, that too. Bill smelled divine. Even after a long day of rehearsals, sweltering stage lights, and then squeezing through dozens of fans in the heat of the night outside, Bill still smelled amazing.
Tom dove his nose into Bill's hair, and his hands that were low on Bill's back extended so that his fingertips actually reached in about an inch past his tailbone.
Tom was in dangerous territory now and he didn't even know it yet.
Bill did. And he couldn't help the switch that went off in his body. Tom's forbidden touch bought out the natural seductress in him. Lust permeated his body and silenced the voice in his head saying that Tom didn't want him that way, that he should stop. He kissed Tom's neck, right below his earlobe and couldn't help sounding like pure silk when he asked, "Is there anything you want, Tomi?"
Tom stopped. He had been on the verge of saying something about licking every part of Bill's body.
Wait. Yeah, that's not right.
Shit. Normal thought-process returned and he withdrew his hands from Bill.
Bill grabbed on to the front of Tom's shirt and looked him in the eye. "What are you doing?" His tone was much more austere than before. Neither was sure if he was asking why Tom stopped or why he had started to begin with.
Bill was tired of repeating Runaway Bride every time they got close, and tried to catch Tom's gaze, silently pleading for a real answer.
There had been so many reasons why it was disgusting and repulsive to sleep with your brother a few short weeks ago. Tom remembered that it used to sicken him to even think about it. Now he was scared he wouldn't be able to stop it from happening. He had only tried to be closer to his brother. He didn't want to cross any lines, he just wanted to be more free.
Tom was trying to prove they could be more intimate than before and fulfill both their dreams, without being sexual. Bill had to be wrong. He didn't really want to go that far, right? So there was Tom trying to be just really close brothers, trying to fix everything by creating a nice middle ground, and trying to forget any improper thoughts.
Unfortunately for our darling Tom, all those thoughts kept slapping him in the face. Especially the one of how he had kissed Bill and loved every second of it. That image was much too vivid for his liking.
He looked Bill in the eye. He saw passion, hurt, and sincerity. Then he looked down.
The line was right at his toes. Would he step forward?
Tom took a step back. Not tonight. He didn't want to have any regrets, and he didn't want Bill to have any regrets. Bill was still naive and inexperienced, and Tom couldn't rob him of his innocence. He'd just have to wait for the right girl to come along. Yup, that was the plan.
The elder took another step back, almost forgetting that Bill's question still hung in the air. He just wanted to leave now, to run away (the way he had that first time).
"Don't run away." The younger twin tried to emphasize his words as he spoke. "What do you really want? Tell me."
There was a tiny part of Tom that wanted to be fearless and say he wanted to be with Bill. But then Bill stepped forward and Tom's whole body stiffened.
Still having one hand clutching Tom's shirt as if for dear life, Bill placed the other at the nape of Tom's neck and pulled him forward. Tom panicked and turned his head away when Bill leaned in to kiss him, so that his lips landed on his cheek instead. They lingered there a bit too long before he pulled away to look Tom in the eye.
Thoughts of their mother, the pastor he'd seen at a friend's first communion many years ago, and the press flooded Tom's mind, and those thoughts crowded out any pleasant ones he had had a few seconds ago. What would they say? What Bill wanted was incest and it was inexcusable.
He could clearly envision the old pastor having a heart attack if they were ever to confess their sins. Much worse would be their mother, who would be heartbroken and hysterical if she found out. And if anyone else knew... well, the twins could be locked up or disowned or Christ, even wind up dead because some crazy asshole decided to make a public statement.
Deciding to skip the melodrama, Tom went with, "You should be with a girl that understands our band and touring and stuff. You just haven't found that yet." It was a rather obtuse retort and he knew it.
"Oh Tom," Bill sighed, and wrapped his arms around his brother heartily. His chest felt heavy with too many wants and more disappointments. How could he explain to his brother they were meant to be together? "Shut up. You don't mean that. I want this, ok? You're not hurting me or pressuring me if that's what you're thinking."
Tom groaned at his brother's stubbornness. "I'm just trying to do what's best."
"You're doing a shitty job at it."
Anger flared up at the insult and Tom pushed Bill away from him. "And your way is so much better?"
"Well yeah. You want me, I want you. It makes for a happy ending." Bill tried on a grin, but the elder wasn't buying it. Tom had a rather sour look on his face.
"The world doesn't work that way."
"Who the fuck cares what the world thinks?!" Bill yelled, his mood spoiled immediately. The subject had always been a touchy one with Bill. Ever since he was little, it was 'Bill VS The World' and Tom had been his knight in shining armor, fighting off mean children and annoying TV personalities in his honor the entire way. Whenever he tried to be a voice of reason, Bill pretty much always took it as betrayal, and here it was again. "Is the world in our bedroom? Are all those motherfuckers who don't know shit about us more important to you?"
"Oh for christsake Tom! You've got to be kidding me. I hope you're not pulling that moral crap on me. This is between us, and us only!" His fists had balled at his sides and his knuckles were turning white in outrage.
"There is no 'us' Bill! You're imagining things."
Bill flew at Tom with lighting speed. His palm connected with his brother's cheek and a loud smack!resonated throughout the room.
Tom was stunned, but more-so outraged at being hit. He took a step forward as if to hit Bill back, but didn't. The look on his face turned feral then, and it was surprising he actually didn't lash back.
Bill was furious on the outside, and severely wounded on the inside. "Don't you dare make me out as delusional! I'm not blind and I'm not stupid. I know you," he frowned. "And I mean the 'us' that's always been, you moron! The one that means the world to me. Not everything is me trying to get in your pants. And even when I am, no one else has any say in that. This is fucking between us!"
Suddenly, Tom was shouting as well, his arms spread wide with incoherent gestures. "And all the fucking paparazzi and our bandmates and our mom! Think about the crap we'd deal with if word got out about us kissing. Just that could fucking kill our careers!"
Bill was rendered speechless by the outburst, if only for a few seconds.
"Yeah. It could," he agreed.
Tom settled himself against the wall, and regarded Bill, who looked as if the wind had left his sails. He stared back blankly, as Tom continued talking.
"I think you're confused and I know you want true love and what-not, but it can't be me. Ok? There are plenty of girls out there you've yet to meet," he spoke, more quietly this time but just as defiant. "I'm doing what's best, ok?"
"You're full of shit Tom," Bill spat. "I don't want some stupid bimbo, I want you and somewhere in that thick skull of yours you want me too. I know because we're twins and as much as you like to think you're not like me, we're the same. Always have been, always will be. Can't change. So you're not doing what's best for anyone. You want us to be awkward and miserable for the rest of our lives? Because we can't go back, at least I can't, no matter how much you wish for it."
"Yeah, I do wish we could go back. Why can't that be a possibility? There's two people in this thing you know? Just 'cause you want to have sex doesn't mean we're going to."
That hit a nerve and pissed off the younger twin anew. "That's what you said last Christmas with the stupid tree, and I won." Bill smirked. Now he was just feeling rebellious and wanted to assert more dominance by being argumentative.
"But I got the topper I wanted," Tom threw back as a last snooty resort, poor as it was.
In a split second, Bill advanced on his brother again, slamming his palms into the wall behind him. He had the shocked guitarist effectively pinned between his arms, and drew himself up to his full height for added efficacy. It was times like these that Tom detested that single inch Bill had on him, because he chose to really use it to his advantage at the most potent of times.
There were flames of fury behind Bill's eyes, and yet he questioned sugary sweet with deception, "You think we can go back, Tomi?"
"I hope we can. I don't want to feel weird around you all the time." Tom dared to hold Bill's gaze, but didn't trust what he saw. His brother was an erratic volcano of emotions in times like these.
Bill grabbed his chin and tilted his head so they were more level, and got another step closer. Tom's heartrate picked up, his fight or flight instincts arsenaled nearby. He wasn't in control here, Bill was, and he was bordering on abusive. Passive abusive? Does that make sense? Because Bill was delectably sweet, in a way that sent blood rushing towards Tom's groin, even when being physically rough.
"So you feel weird around me?" Bill inquired seductively.
Tom felt the words travel down his spine, making each hair stand at attention. He nodded.
"Is that because I'm right?"
Tom shook his head.
Tom shook his head with more bravado, but it all left when Bill leaned in so close Tom could feel his breath on his neck. He looked sideways and saw he was still trapped.
"I think you're lying. I have two decades of experience telling me you are. So, what's the truth?"
Tom couldn't bring himself to respond, much less push Bill away. Heat radiated off him and he felt himself succumbing to his brother's charms.
"There's a little part of you that wants this. I know there is."
Bill had laid his weapons down and now the air was thick with the newly familiar tension they both recognized as temptation.
"Tell me you want me too."
In the time Tom had been wrapped up trying to decipher if Bill was still physically dangerous, Bill had wound himself around Tom like a serpent presenting the most delicious fruit.
Tom gulped down a large amount of air. All of a sudden there wasn't enough oxygen around him. There was only Bill, and Bill's scent, and Bill's hands, and his voice, and Tom wasn't thinking straight again. And Bill kept talking to him.
"You were so good that night. You caught me totally off guard, but you were amazing." Bill reminisced.
Tom was having trouble keeping up with all the words coming out of his twin's mouth. He felt sluggish, and for a second didn't understand that Bill was talking about the time they had kissed.
"How often do you think about it?"
Bill was molding and manipulating him, dragging out confessions he'd rather not make.
Bill's voice was the siren's lure. It danced on his neck, poisoned his ear, and cradled his body until Tom couldn't help but do as he was told.
"Yes, so I think about it a lot. I just don't know what to think about it!" Tom admitted while trying to avoid Bill's gaze. "It scares the shit out of me."
There was Tom's confession, and yet it wasn't exactly what Bill was looking for. What if it really was a one time thing the way Tom had said previously? That couldn't possibly be. The possibility devastated Bill.
"Us kissing scares you?" Bill dropped his arms and took hold of Tom's shirt again. There was pleading for approval in the eyes that never stopped searching for Tom's. There was still hope.
Tom felt the role reversal again. Bill had reverted to his innocent and fragile self, and it left Tom to take control and take on his own natural role of protective big brother again. He wrapped his arms around Bill and pulled him close. He knew that tonight he could easily break his brother's heart. Could he push him away and keep him close at the same time?
"Yeah, among other things," he said with a heavy chest.
Bill's face was once again buried in his twin's neck and Tom couldn't tell what kind of emotion Bill was feeling right now. Maybe this was the calm before the storm.
"Because I liked it, ok? I did, but I also didn't."
"Oh." Bill tried to understand what Tom was telling him, now that he finally knew Tom was being truthful.
"I don't know what to tell you, Bill." Tom looked down, ashamed of himself for admitting what he had out loud. He wished he could have said he hated it. Everyone else on Earth would have said that.
"So a bit of you liked it and some of you didn't... Ok. What didn't you like?"
Tom could have rolled his eyes. How could Bill ask him that? The elder twin thought it was pretty self-explanatory. "The fact that it's wrong, that it makes me feel like shit that you want me that way. I don't know what I did wrong... We're brothers and you're not supposed to feel like that, or ever get here. I'm sorry, but I hate that this crazy door has been opened and I can't just shut it and never think about it again." He looked at Bill then, and felt like crying. He could feel Bill trembling in his arms.
"I'm sorry, Tom." For the first time in a long time Bill felt how wrong his feelings actually were. He'd lived with them for so long that it was natural for him. He'd had so long to get used to them, and most of the time he just felt they were forbidden but somehow ok in the end. Now his heart was slowly crumpling in upon itself as it struggled to keep hope.
Tom knew he was disappointing his brother. It killed him inside.
"I know we can't go back," Tom sighed. It was so hard to keep talking. "I know what you want from me. There's just so much going on in my head. Part of me doesn't believe you really want this, like I'm hoping you're just confused. But deeper down I know you're not, that this is actually happening between us."
"I swear I'm not confused," Bill whimpered into his neck.
"There's part of me that's really really curious to go down that path you want. I hate saying it. It feels like shit saying there's a bit of me that might want that too. Because I understand how close we could be. I can imagine breathing the same air as you, touching you so deep I literally have my hand on your heart, and I want to protect you like that forever. I want to be your fortress, so no one else can have you, so you can be only mine."
There were tears on Tom's shoulder now, he could feel them as Bill mewed. "That's it. T-Tomi, that's exactly it. Please..."
"No Bill. I can't." Tom felt Bill's nails dig into him as he said that. "There's another part of me that's completely disgusted with myself and with you too. Please don't hate me for saying this. I know you felt this at some point too. I know you're not dumb. As much as you want me, I know you know this is wrong and stupid."
Bill looked up with teary eyes and rosy cheeks, and with more strength than either thought he had in that moment, he grabbed Tom's face to make him look him in the eye.
"I'm so far past that. I'm so- so freaking in love with you that I don't care about any of that anymore."
Tom was being pulled in so many directions, he thought he could spontaneously combust.
Triage. Just triage. Tom's mind went haywire. Fix the first most important, and then the second, and then the third.
"Ok, ok," he tried to reassure Bill and explain himself better. Take a deep breath.
First, he had to say that he had no intention of leaving him. If he couldn't do anything else but that tonight, he would be happy. Bill had to understand he loved him and Tom wasn't going anywhere.
Second, Bill had to understand that they couldn't be in a sexual relationship.
Third, they could still be close and be normal.
"Bill. I love you so much, you're everything to me, and I'm never going to leave you. Never, no matter what. Do you understand that?" He took hold of Bill's shoulders and shook him lightly but firmly.
"But," he looked at Bill sternly, "But, we can't do anything else but be brothers."
"No Tomi, no..." He felt Bill's nails dig in again, as his beautiful face frowned in sorrow.
Tom tried putting his arms around Bill, but was pushed away suddenly. Bill looked angry again.
"Bill... I love you."
Tom felt like he'd been stabbed right in the heart. Probably much like what he was doing to Bill he realized.
"We could still be close. We can hold hands when you're scared, and we can sleep together when we fall asleep on the couch, and I'll kiss you on the cheek when you miss home..."
"I want more! You want more. You just said you do. Why would you make us live like that?!"
Tom stared at Bill for a few moments, contemplating, before he became livid again. Why wasn't Bill understanding that some things were not possible? Why did he always have to reach for the stars? Tom was losing patience trying to explain common sense to his brother. "You're crazy Bill! What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me? ME? There's nothing fucking wrong with me. You're the one that's paranoid and too scared to do anything you really want!"
"YOU'RE JOKING ME!"
"No I'm not! You're a little pussy and you're scared." Bill's eyes shined dangerously. He grabbed Tom by the belt buckle and pulled him forward from the wall. He shouted into his face, "I WANT YOUR DICK!" and was so crass as to reach his other hand into the front of Tom's pants and squeeze his prize.
Outrage surfaced in Tom and his strength took over. He shoved Bill back so forcefully that the younger twin went flying into the opposite wall hard enough to land him with a light concussion.
Tom didn't even know what to say, he was so upset. What came out of his mouth was probably some of the dumbest he could have come up with, but in retrospect he would know it was just a defense mechanism. "I don't care if you're suddenly a fag, but I'm not, I'm not gay. And I'm not gay with my own brother. So don't touch me! It's disgusting."
"You're being really thick right now." Bill frowned, clearly upset as well, but finally ready to get out of the shouting match they had created. He needed to go put some ice on the back of his head, where he was sure a bump would rise by morning. "I think you need more time. I know I've had a few years to digest everything and it was hard, so how about you just come to me when you're ready to not be a douchebag? Cuz that hurt, Tom. That really fucking hurt."
There were so many more hurtful words on the tip of Tom's tongue. What? When I want a good fuck? or You know, CNN headlines will never read 'Sibling Sex: More Acceptable Than Baseball'!
He huffed and puffed for several long moments, trying to suppress any more insensitive comments, and then Tom remembered why he had approached Bill in the first place. "So I guess you don't feel like watching a movie with me right now?"
"Nice try," Bill smirked. "You're in the dog house for a while Tom." He wiped away a stray tear and walked away.
Chapter 4: PSYCHIC CEREAL
It had been a few weeks since their last argument on "the subject" and Bill had kept his word, leaving Tom all the space he needed to digest, process, and come up with some form of solid conclusion.
Tom was a wreck however. He wasn't any closer to deciding if he wanted Frosted Flakes or Mini-Wheats than he was two minutes ago, much less if he wanted a sexual relationship with his brother. So here he was, holding up the breakfast buffet line, just staring at the cereal selection, as hotel guests had to move around him to continue piling food on their plates.
He thought about the Mini-Wheats; they were healthy, yet had that maple frosting he craved. It seemed like a nice median. Maybe. He transposed opinions with a scowl. They must be mocking him, he decided. No one could have their cake and eat it too.
The Frosted Flakes perhaps? That just felt like too much indulgence. He wondered if it really made that much of a difference, if anyone would care, or if he'd pay for his heedless choice down the line. He didn't want his trainer to think he wasn't taking his diet seriously. On the other hand, his trainer would probably tell him not to over-analyze things this much. If he wanted his damn Frosted Flakes, there was always a good way to balance calories: like not eating that chocolate chip cookie at lunch time.
But he always got a chocolate chip cookie at lunch. They put those on the dessert tray just for him.
As he stared into thin air, Tom remembered he'd refused to eat one since he started working out with his new trainer. Hmm, interesting. He hadn't even noticed. He suddenly felt bad for the chefs that kept minting heaps of them as if he still ate the cookies, and decided to tell them to stop at the next available chance.
Back to the cereal. Shreddies then? They'd always been a nice safe choice. Tasty any time, even if they weren't much fun, but enough to keep him interested. As good as they were though, they really needed to add some more sugar to the recipe.
Oh for fuck's sake! Tom felt like a moron. He wasn't choosing his relationship with Bill here. He was choosing blasted cereal! He knew that by now he looked like a fool just standing there, and he had a sneaking suspicion the G's were laughing at him behind his back.
He glanced at the vegetable tray and for a second thought he should have some carrot sticks so that his food could be as miserable as he felt. But in a last triumphant breakthrough, he chose the Mini-Wheats.
Having finally put food on his plastic food tray, he sat across from Georg and Gustav, who were obviously trying to hide their amusement.
"Did it seriously take you ten minutes to decide you wanted the rolled wheat things?"
Tom threw Georg a dirty look. "No."
"Were you stealthily peeing your pants then, while we all just thought you were looking at the cereal?" Georg smirked.
"No, you asshole," Tom cursed with a frown.
"Oooooh! Tomi said a bad word!" Georg teased further.
Tom considered reminding him that only Bill was allowed to call him by that nickname, but didn't have the fight in him to do so. He groaned instead.
"No, no, that's just how we say Good Morning now," Gustav piped in with a shining smile. "You're an asshole too, Tom. Hope the weather is good this fine Asshole before noon."
Georg snickered even though Gustav's joke didn't entirely make sense.
The frown Tom wore threatened to have his eyebrows meet. "Cut it out."
The drummer and bassist settled down just as Bill trotted into the room, wearing something as dull as Bill's outfits ever got, and sat down at their table with a bowl of fruit salad. He cursed that he forgot to make a coffee for himself, and got back up to go to the drinks area.
Tom didn't even look up. He swirled a few last sogging Mini-Wheats in the remaining milk and wondered why he'd even chosen this cereal.
He had already tried to have his cake and eat it too, kind of like a compromise between what Bill wanted and what he wanted, and even though the conversation had been lengthy and tumultuous, in the end Bill had pretty much told him flat out that he needed to grow up and make up his mind. Tom knew it was either one or the other, and he knew which one Bill wanted him to choose.
He'd hurt Bill that night by being so rash with his words, and flip-flopping his decision.
Shreddies or Frosted Flakes?
No, Oh my god, that's not what he meant. The cereal metaphor needed to exit. Now.
Tom thought he wanted to stay brothers, nice and simple.
But Bill wanted Tom to choose him. It was evident in Bill's eyes whenever they got some down time and actually got to focus on their feelings, instead of being engaged in some PR function or concert. There was still a lot of hope alongside all the sadness and longing he saw in his brother's eyes.
Said brother slammed a steaming cup of coffee down on the table next to him, making the bowl of fruit salad jump a fraction and sending a half dozen coffee splatters flying.
"Sorry," he mumbled and took his seat, and Tom could tell his mind was elsewhere.
"No, it's You're An Asshole, remember?" Gustav joked, trying to lighten the mood. "You're an asshole, Bill."
"Yeah. I guess," Bill answered. He was disinterested in finding out what on Earth his bandmates meant, and felt detached from the situation.
Bill was debating whether or not he needed to approach Tom first again. Their brotherly/non-brotherly dilemma was something he had hoped Tom would deal with a little faster. The wheels and cogs in that boy's brain just turned so agonizingly slow sometimes.
Perhaps a catalyst? Maybe Bill could try seducing him again. That first attempt wasn't completely horrible (before it turned into a catastrophic failure), he reasoned. There was some sort of hope out there for that to work properly if he tried again.
Bill watched as Tom played with his spoon lethargically. Tom hadn't gotten laid in an astonishingly long time. Tom was trying to find some sort of middle ground, Bill knew it. There he was staring into his milk again, just like yesterday.
Maybe it was time Bill just handed him a solution on a platter.
"Hey Tom?" he ventured.
"Wanna play video games after the Meet and Greet?"
Tom spared Bill a small smile. "Yeah, that'd be nice."
"Is that code for making out?" Georg joked, guffawing loudly, and causing Gustav to also chuckle.
Bill threw Georg a look so dirty it could sever limbs, but before anyone said anything else, Tom had gotten up, dumped out the last soggy pieces of his cereal and stomped out of the room.
"Georg, you're a fucking asshole, you know that?"
"Good morning to you too."
Gustav elbowed the jeering bassist. "I'm pretty sure that's not what he meant."
There wasn't too much time between the Meet and Greet and the Soundcheck, but it was enough time for Bill to try riling Tom up again.
He'd plucked up a bunch of courage and was now dragging his presently amiable brother into their deserted tourbus parked out back to "play video games".
Once inside, Bill locked up behind them and pulled Tom along towards the couch, all the while smiling as brightly as the sun.
Tom had a feeling something was up. He raised an eyebrow at his brother's suddenly cheerful attitude.
Bill had tipped him into the plush cushions and straddled him, still with that dazzling smile on his face, and Tom was being slow to catch on.
Then Bill started unbuttoning his shirt and placing kisses on his neck, meandering them down his chest. He nipped at one of Tom's nipples and Tom moaned. Every time Bill looked up at his older brother, his eyes twinkled and his dashing smile kept Tom's mind foggy. Somewhere in his head, Tom still thought they were going to play video games and was waiting for that to start. Like this was just Bill looking for the controllers or something.
The deeper problem for Tom was that having his brother fondling him had somehow become commonplace and Tom was forgetting again that this should in fact be a strange and daunting experience.
This felt so good. Bill was rubbing the bulge forming in Tom's pants, and before Tom could process what was actually going on, Bill had unbuttoned and lowered his jeans enough to be rubbing his face into his newly naked crotch, somewhat like a kitten would.
"Ok, wait," Tom perked up, having realized finally where this was heading.
"Can I, please?" his twin asked, so sweetly, so much longing in his voice.
"Bill, wait, stop."
He tried to bat his twin's hands away lightly hoping he'd get the message, but Bill just took Tom's dick in his hand fully and Tom couldn't help a distracting shudder of pleasure from rippling though his body. He recovered quickly though, in time to see Bill stick his tongue out, so close to actually licking the erection in his hand. He would have, if Tom hadn't grabbed him by the chin and pulled up, out of such perilous proximities.
"Jesus! Just stop. Don't do this."
"I want to." The way Bill said it sent shivers down Tom's spinal column, and he had to look away. A brazen Bill was disconcertingly attractive. The guitarist tucked himself back in as quickly as possible and hurried up to stand beside the TV.
"No. Just..." he heaved a deep sigh of resignation, "If you want to play video games Bill, that's fine. But if you want something else, I have to leave. Ok?"
Bill sat there stunned for a few moments, that Tom had ended his fun so abruptly, with no room to argue either. The devilish grin had melted off Bill's face, turning into a grimace, and he shrugged. "Yeah, fine. Let's play whatever game you want." He gestured carelessly to the small stack of games behind Tom.
Weeks passed, and the only developments on the Twincest/No Twincest frontier were a few deplorable dreams Tom had had. In his mind, they were no doubt provoked by Bill's recent sporadic behavior, which seemed to jump from horny one minute to incredibly depressed the next. They beguiled Tom's mind perhaps even more than the image of Bill trying to suck down his cock.
Every time the twins were in public and affectionate in any way, Tom felt a world of worry on his shoulders. Is this what he would have to deal with for the rest of his life? Shame? Embarrassment? Guilt? The thought that he may not be able to handle all that, made him feel weak.
In each of Tom's Bill-related dreams however, he felt the world in the palm of his hand, as if all its strength flowed through his very veins. He felt like he held the key to unlocking all the negative, and turning it to positive. In his dreams, of which there were too many for his liking, the universe was always guiding him towards his brother. As if that was the magical answer to everything.
Tom was still skeptical. He'd promised himself he would only be Bill's brother. No more crossing moral lines.
But the universe was obviously mocking him, asking him why he couldn't see what was right in front of him. Most nights when Tom went to sleep, he felt smothered in all the facts he'd love to forget: how he couldn't live without Bill, how attracted to him he was, how happy they both were together.
In a few minutes, he'd wake up from another such dream.
In this one, he was eating breakfast with his bandmates in a hotel restaurant and Bill was having a bowl of Frosted Flakes in front of him. Nothing out of the ordinary in the life of Tokio Hotel, that is, until Tom had sprouted an outrageous and most ill-timed erection due to his foxy little twin. His baggy pants felt like they weren't baggy enough right then and he was keenly aware of how inappropriate this was.
Tom wanted to dig himself a hole as deep as his chagrin and never come out.
Then Bill looked up and smiled at him. He looked innocent and reassuring and everything Tom was feeling was resolved. Like the clouds had parted and the sun had come out, shining as brightly as Bill's smile, everything was ok again. All his sins were magically washed away by Bill's simple gesture and Tom no longer felt dirty.
Then Tom woke up. He felt foolish, and desperately wanted to bash his own head in with a frying pan.
Later that month, Tom almost did.
He'd now started dreaming about the number one illicit thing Bill wanted most. He had started waking up from wet dreams where he pleasured his brother in ways that erased any and all forms of his innocence.
It was driving Tom insane.
He wanted it so bad. He practically tasted it.
And yet every time Bill so much as hinted that they could really be more, Tom insisted, "This is all I can give you."
"You have my heart and my soul. Let it be enough," he said.
He was breaking both of their hearts.
Chapter 5: WINNING
The twins were in the hallway of their tourbus, right outside the bathroom again.
Bill was holding on to Tom's shirt, begging his heart out for Tom to love him.
"I do, Bill. So much."
"Show me, Tomi. I want you to show me."
The dim light glowed eerily over his brother's face as he looking into his watery eyes. Tom cupped his jaw, stroking it lightly, and tried to explain that they were brothers. He wiped away a tear that ran gray with makeup down his love's cheek and he could feel his heart shattering.
The Bill in his arms fell limp and his breaths became staggered and irregular.
Tom held him closer, running his hand down his front pleading for him to stay.
"You left me first."
In a fit of rage, Tom shoved his entire hand right through Bill's ribcage. He reached in until he held Bill's heart in his hand and pumped it himself.
"I'm not leaving, do you understand?" The words were more of a statement than a question, and there was plenty of bite to them.
"But you don't love me."
Tom shoved Bill backwards into the wall behind. Bill gasped as Tom withdrew his hand from inside his chest, and used it to lift one of Bill's legs up so Bill could straddle him.
"The fuck I don't!"
Tom kissed him deeply, massaging his tongue to Bill's rather aggressively and Bill moaned deliciously. He enjoyed being dominated.
The elder drew a razor-sharp line with his finger down Bill's chest, to his groin, and up his ass crack, and that's where his brother's clothes split and fell to the ground.
Bill arched his back when Tom dove two spit-soaked fingers into his rectum, and clutched Tom's shirt so tightly he thought it might rip.
Being held securely between the wall and his brother's body was how Bill lost his virginity.
He moaned wantonly into Tom's mouth, being kissed all the while.
Tom could feel Bill fingernails on his back as he fucked him raw. He kneaded Bill's ass in his hand as he pushed up into his puckered little hole and didn't think heaven could be better than this.
Keep your heaven. I want hell.
Just as Tom reached his climax, he shut his eyes and white hot flames licked up his body. He yelled out Bill's name, and when he opened his eyes, he was in bed.
His own bed. And Bill was in his bed too, across the hall. It was the middle of the night.
Tom turned and looked at the alarm clock, the red LED numbers too bright for his weary eyes.
Why did he keep having these fucked up dreams?
It had been more than two months since the twins’ last fight. Probably closer to three. And as much as Tom tried to keep his thoughts straight, he was a mess. He thought he had made his decision that night. He was trying so hard to go back to being normal with Bill.
They had done all the things Tom said they could. They held hands, and fell asleep on the couch, and he'd kissed Bill's cheek too when Bill had cried silently in his embrace.
Unfortunately, his mind wasn't made up at all, no matter how much he tried to make Bill believe it.
He felt ridiculous, like he was playing a children's Whack-A-Mole game with his feelings. The stupid moles just wouldn't die! One minute he thought about his mother's face if she ever found out, how ashamed he would be, and the next he thought about how pretty Bill was, how nice he was to touch, how he would love to take those clothes off him and spread his thighs.
Those fucking thoughts just kept popping up!
He was starting to think he didn't know what he wanted.
Bill had cried in his arms a few times, and told him he wasn't giving up. That he knew Tom loved him the same way.
God help him, Tom wasn't trying to lead Bill on. He just sucked at not doing it since beneath it all, it was getting really fucking hard to keep denying the truth. So yes, he held on to Bill a little too tight, and brushed his fingers through his hair a bit too sensually, and stroked the small of his back just reminiscent of how a lover would.
His dreams taunted him.
Bill was right there. Everything was within his reach, all he had to do was extend his arm out, wrap his fingers around Bill's wrist to pull him in, and it would all come true.
Is that how simple Bill thought this was? Just reach out and grasp what you want?
A door creaked and a ray of light spread across the carpet until it reached Tom's bed. Bill stood in the doorway, clutching the handle and his pillow at the same time.
"I heard you call my name. Want me to sleep with you?"
Normally Bill would ask 'Can I sleep with you?', but Tom was ok with the change. He nodded and pulled up a corner of his blanket so Bill could snuggle up beside him.
When the mattress stopped bouncing from the movement of a shifty twin, Tom was left facing Bill, as Bill stared back, a bit anxiously, almost impishly.
His brother's hair fanned out across the pillow like black silk, his eyes eager and his fingers creeping closer. Tom thought he looked angelic.
He took his brother's hand, weaving their fingers between them.
They could fall asleep like this. Or Tom could lean over and close the distance separating him and Bill.
Was he such a libertine as to risk everything?
He couldn't believe there was even a choice to make! It shouldn't even enter his mind, nor be a possibility! How could he have let it get this far? How had he even kissed his twin in the first place?!
He wished he could scream until his lungs were empty, until his throat was so raw he couldn't make another sound.
Tom couldn't look away however. His brother licked his lips and Tom's gaze followed the movement. Bill's lips glistened in the minimal moonlight filtering in through the curtains. They looked plump and very kissable.
He looked back into Bill's eyes.
Where the fuck was Switzerland?! It couldn't possibly be in Bill's little land of debauchery.
God, why was his salvation the same as his damnation?
"Your heartbeat is going crazy, Tomi."
"You do that to me," he whispered, and took a deep shaky breath.
Tom caressed the soft hand he held. They stayed that way for a long time.
For the first time, Tom actually really considered taking the plunge. He imagined what life would be like if he gave in to their desires. It still scared him, but it looked do-able, worth it. He was so tired of denying what he was obviously feeling.
The idea of waking up beside a cheerful smiling Bill for the rest of his life was a fantastic motivator. For that, he felt he could throw caution to the wind. It sounded phenomenal.
He looked Bill in the eye and knew Bill could read his thoughts.
"Tell me it's not a mistake," Tom said quietly.
"It's not a mistake," Bill told him, a sincere smile on his face.
"Tell me dreams come true."
God, he wanted to die. He wanted the earth to open up and swallow him whole. Anything to get him to stop talking, and Bill to stop encouraging him.
But no such thing happened. He never expected it to. Bill was still there, looking cute and extinguishing all his doubts.
"Dreams do come true."
Bill's eyes sparkled beautifully in the dim light. Tom thought he saw a bunch of little stars twinkling in his brother's eyes, all full of hope and wonder and a perfect eternity.
"Tell me we can be together. Tell me we can be together forever as close as we want to be and no one else matters."
"We can, we can. Please..."
Tom pulled his younger twin closer, bone-crushingly closer, as his hands had trouble deciding where to settle. Where was safe? Did he even want to be safe?
Tom didn't want to be safe anymore. He wanted to touch everywhere.
As he settled one hand flat on the small of Bill's back, keeping him tight to his body, and one hand to Bill's jaw, caressing his cheekbone tenderly, panic swept through Tom. He was starting something here. He was jumping into decidedly unsafe territory, and after spending so many years believing incest to be wrong, he couldn't help but fear his own actions. His heart hammered in his chest as he once again looked into Bill's eyes.
Bill wore his heart on his sleeve, it was obvious he was leaving himself completely vulnerable to whatever Tom's forthcoming actions may be. He would never pull away, even from the way Tom was gripping him much too tightly to be comfortable. All Bill could think about was Tom finally giving in and kissing him again. The young singer trusted his older brother unconditionally and Tom could tell from the way Bill was clutching at his t-shirt, that he was desperate for acceptance.
In this moment, Bill was a tightrope artist high above a bustling city, and Tom was the wind. It made Tom feel claustrophobic, like he was trapped in his own decisions. He didn't actually want to back out though. Now that he'd started, he wanted to jump in and just do it; he was just nervous.
Bill's face was inching closer. Tom knew Bill wanted to be kissed, and his breathing accelerated, the butterflies in Tom's stomach thumping around like lead golfballs in a lottery machine.
He knew that normally this was where he backed down, when the feelings he had became too intense, and his initial disgust took over. Tonight however, he wanted to be brave and crush all his fears.
He could no longer deny he really wanted a relationship with Bill.
As Tom softly caressed Bill's cheek, he imagined what would happen if he just leaned forward. It took Tom a few more minutes of self-encouragement, but finally Tom leaned in until his lips were just barely ghosting over Bill's.
Bill's eyes widened into saucers before he closed them, focusing on the feel of his brother's lips. He had hoped with all his might Tom would actually do it, he was waiting for it, and wishing for it, but he'd almost forgotten how good it was.
Their lips were barely touching, but they were slowly getting closer and more comfortable. Tom put slightly more pressure on with every pucker, building up more courage with each pass, until he was fully kissing Bill.
Every place they touched felt on fire. Bill was twining his hands into and under Tom's shirt and Tom forgot every reason he'd ever had for not wanting to kiss his brother.
At first Tom had been afraid of taking the monumental step forward, but now there were no more skeptic thoughts or "Oh my god, this is my brother!" on his mind. Nothing to make him turn back. He had long passed that stage and at present was fully immersed in how amazing it felt to be kissing Bill.
His brother's lips were soft and willing and every kiss made Tom feel braver. It spoke to Tom of time he'd lost not doing this before and promised him a golden luxury of forbidden treasures. Not wanting to waste more time, Tom swiped his tongue over Bill's bottom lip. On the next swipe, his tongue met Bill's and they both moaned into the kiss. The hand Tom had been resting on the side of Bill's face moved to the back of his neck and he leaned into Bill until he was on top.
The twins' legs tangled as they began rutting together. Slowly at first, but as their kisses became more passionate, so did the way they ground their hips into each others'.
"I could never let you go," Tom finally spoke when he broke their mouth's apart. His hot breath gusted over Bill's open and kiss-bruised lips, and Bill squirmed beneath his brother's touches. He was restless with lust and his pent up sexual frustration was showing. Bill was boldly rubbing his groin into his elder's, both of them fully hard by now.
"Tomi, I swear I love you so much," he rasped, and Tom responded by ramming their loins together and growling. He was manhandling his younger twin at this point, one hand grabbing onto his slender thigh, hoisting it so they could rub together better, and the other palming roughly along Bill's side. Had Bill's tattoo there been fresh, he would have been hurting, bleeding even. Bill was panting nonetheless, as being submissive to his brother suited him just fine right now.
Tom had positioned himself between Bill's spread thighs, exactly where they both wanted, and was rutting downwards as if they had really been fucking. That, combined with the way Tom had attached his mouth to the younger's throat was driving Bill insane with pleasure. He gasped when Tom suctioned his pulse point and again when Tom bit at his ear.
"You wanted me to say that I want this, didn't you?" Tom spoke right into Bill's ear, never slowing his bucking hips below.
"Yes," Bill breathed. "Tell me that."
"I want this. I want you. It scares the crap out of me, but I think you're divine."
"Tomi..." Bill was hanging on the edge of ecstasy, his heart beating up a frenzy, his breathing completely erratic and still he clung to Tom as if his life depended on it.
Tom lifted Bill's t-shirt to his armpits to gain enough room to suck on one of Bill's nipples. By now, he'd understood it was a major turn-on for his randy brother.
"Make me come. Oh, oh..."
Tom planned on doing just that. He knew Bill was close, but he wanted this to last longer, so he quickly disentangled himself from the body below his, and pulled off Bill's underwear in one swift motion. He then lifted his own shirt up and over his head and threw it somewhere into the darkness.
The younger twin was surprised by the momentary loss of contact but wasn't left waiting long, for his now exposed erection was swiftly covered by the elder's hand, and his lips were captured in a toe-curling kiss. Bill's back arched off the bed as he tried to thrust up into Tom's fisted hand. His arms spread out to each side as his fingers scrambled to latch on to any piece of material possible.
Tom was enthralled by seeing Bill in such sexual unrest. He had once again settled himself between Bill's spread legs, this time grinding himself into the soft underside of Bill's raised thigh.
Bill was too far gone to keep kissing properly, their mouths were simply panting into each other, swapping the same clammy air as they labored to breath. Tom's hand slipped easily over Bill's stiff cock, as he spread any precome down along the shaft. He pumped as quickly and steadily as he could between the confines of their sweaty bodies. The guitarist found that jerking his brother off wasn't weird at all, none of this was. In fact, Tom found it came naturally. He knew just what to do to make Bill sing even more beautifully than he sung the lyrics to their songs.
"Yeah, yeah... oh god..."
"You're so close, aren't you?"
"Yeah Tomi, yeah..." Tom knew that any moment now Bill would find his release. His breathy moans and murmurs became more succinct and proximate, almost stringing together into one mantra, and Tom was right behind him practically drowning in bliss.
Bill came first; his juices spilled into Tom's hand and all over their bellies, as the sparks that had been building between his legs sprung up his spine and lit up every nerve from his toes to his fingertips. Tom watched in wonder as his twin let out a silent gasp and went rigid just for a few seconds, before falling limp back on to the bed with the most sated smile on his face.
"Fuck, you look delicious like that." Tom rolled his eyes up to the shadowy ceiling as the electricity building within Tom's body finally erupted as well. He pulled his dick out of his boxers, and using the slipperiness of Bill's come as lubrication, he came powerfully over Bill's abdomen. His seed mixed with his brother's as his hand worked his dick. With shaky breaths, he shuddered and finally let go when he became too sensitive.
The guitarist fought to keep himself from collapsing on top of his brother. He clutched tightly to Bill's leg, and rested his weight on the one arm beside Bill's head.
"Bill, oh my god," he said when he finally opened his eyes to look down into Bill's grinning face. He laughed, "I think that was the fucking hardest I've ever come!"
The corner of Bill's lips turned up into more of a smirk. "I told you."
Tom leaned down and curled up next to Bill. He started to wipe away the mess they'd made with a handful of the sheets.
The elder was in awe at what he'd just done. He thought it was much too easy to betray two decades of programmed negative responses to sexual activity with your twin brother. And yet, here he was. He had jumped in, and the world had not come crashing down. Yet.
"How do you do it? How are you such a fucking cock tease? You're supposed to be repulsive to me."
"Aww, Tomi. I'm not a tease. You can have all of me."
"Oh god! See? You're doing it again." Tom's eyes rolled shut from the thought of having Bill that way.
"You don't want it anymore?"
"No, I definitely want you, whatever you want to give me." He inhaled slowly and deeply, almost shuddering. "I just hope you understand what you're asking for." He squeezed Bill's hand as he spoke.
Bill squeezed back, and smiled. "I want you to be my first. It's ok."
"You're doing it again," Tom huffed. "You're being irresistible and it's boggling my mind because you're supposed to be my brother!"
The younger twin slanted his head adorably. He understood Tom's conundrum. "I still am. Always will be. You just have to get over that part."
"I think you're amazing." Tom leveled a stare at Bill, sincerity written all over his face.
Bill reached up to stroke Tom's cheek. "Why do you say that?"
"I think you defy all morals and laws and I don't understand how I've ended up feeling this way about you."
Bill smirked knowingly. "Don't hurt your head thinking about it stud."
"Don't be a dick. I'm being serious." Tom frowned slightly.
Bill's expression smoothed into a loving smile. "I just think we're meant to be together." He steered Tom's face to his and kissed him deeply. He pulled Tom's weight back on top of him as his words got lighter and more staggered between kisses. "That's the only conclusion I've been able to come up with... I know most brothers don't end up like this."
Tom thought it was somewhat dramatic to say that while seizing a handful of his ass. Tom wasn't used to being on the receiving end of manhandling grabs, and was still too new to incest be 100% ok with moral snideness.
The way Bill was kissing him however, was helping him forget his troubles. Bill's mouth was like an opium den; a velvety cavern filled with mind-addling drugs. They kissed slowly, tongues sliding together, settling into long fluid strokes that competed for dominance. Deep moans escaped them both as their hands once again began exploring. Tom was losing grasp on reality again. For a few seconds before he had started considering the gravity of his actions again. Of course, Bill was an amazing distraction.
Bill's legs wrapped around Tom's thighs as he held him securely in place. He rolled his hips several times into Tom's, alerting their erections back into action. A slender hand on Tom's cheek made them pause their cosseting mouths, and just rut together.
Tom watched Bill's face, his blissed and debauched expression. Even though he was reciprocating Bill's actions now, part of him still felt lost. Bill was beautiful. Bill felt safe and right and natural. But Bill also reminded him of how far he'd come in the last few months, and he knew that even though this wasn't wrong for him now, he remembered his old disgusted thoughts and didn't think he had been wrong then either.
"What is it Tomi?"
"Nothing. I'm thinking about you."
Bill smiled and grabbed more insistently at Tom's bum. "Do you want me now?"
"You want sex now? You don't want to wait?"
Bill closed the inch gap between their mouths to lay another kiss to Tom's lips. "I want you to fuck me," he pronounced much steadier than most would have in that situation.
Tom bit at his lip ring out of nervous habit. "I want to make love to you," Tom said more gruffly than Bill had, right back into his mouth. For Tom, because all these thoughts were still so new, he wanted to cherish Bill and take things slow, respect him. He felt he still had a slightly different point of view on the whole matter.
For Bill, being in love with Tom was commonplace. He was more wrapped up in the newfound physical sensations of it all. There was even a part of him that was turned on by the fact that they were related. Some because it was kinky and wicked, some because of how close it made them.
"Is it a turn-off for you if I remind you we're twins?" Bill asked as he placed a few errant kisses to the corner of Tom's mouth. He became careless with his words. He should know Tom probably would not consider twincest naughty in a sexy way.
They had been biding their time, still rutting against each other, but not with much purpose until Bill had said that. It elicited a low grown from Tom, as he raised his body up to gain more thrusting leverage. He had to close his eyes for a few moments as Bill yelped from a few particularly harsh juts from Tom's hips.
"Why do you have to say that?"
"Make love to me big brother. I want to give this to you."
"Your virginity? You want to give it to me?" Tom was lost in between the words coming from Bill's lips and the way he looked sprawled beneath him. His mind was parroting back what Bill said as he tried to grasp what it was Bill was really asking for.
Bill's breathing was heavy, and Tom could feel his heart beating like mad beneath his fingers. His little brother was offering everything he had.
"Take it. Please Tomi." It was almost a plea, as his voice broke on the last syllable.
Tom couldn't take it anymore. Without thinking anything through, he responded by pushing two fingers into Bill's mouth. For a second, Bill's eyes went wide but then he started sucking the digits down heartily, laving them in saliva. He took Tom's fingers deeper into his mouth than expected, and when he let them go, they came away stringing pearls of saliva behind.
Bill bit his lip, feigning innocence. Hardly, Tom thought. Then Bill licked his lips, making them wet and glossy.
The combined images were shocking and erotic for Tom, who was running on instinct at this point. He stared for a second in disbelief. The simplest gestures Bill made wound him up.
It was like in Tom's dream earlier. Or better. Definitely better.
He hurried to touch his slippery fingers to Bill's bottom, starting with small circles around his asshole, then slowly sinking one finger in past the tight ring of muscle.
That was it, this was the first step to completely killing all forms of decency, literally giving the finger to society's views on incest. His mind caught up to what he was doing, and Tom found he was ok with this.
He just wanted to love Bill. Simple as that. So he had taken a bite from the forbidden apple.
The mental pat-on-the-back was quickly put aside, as the snake was still whispering in his ear. Bill's breaths were forcibly paced and Tom could hear it. It was so sexy.
When Tom looked up at Bill's face to see if everything was alright, Bill was looking down sheepishly with his bottom lip between his teeth. Tom continued massaging Bill's insides with the one finger. He was amazed at how Bill wasn't putting up any sort of fight. If it was him, he imagined he surely would have.
As he buried a second finger into Bill's bum, Bill made an appreciative little noise and pushed down on Tom's fingers.
Tom was starting to get the idea that this wasn't the first time Bill had had something up his bum. It bemused him slightly; as the two images of the Bill he thought he'd grown up with, and this new-found Bill, struggled to converge into one identity for the gazillionth time since Bill's initial confession. Once settled, this possibility also intrigued him.
"What else has been up here, Bill?"
Bill smiled down at him. "Stuff," he said with a coy look.
Tom laughed. He wasn't having it. "What kind of stuff, Bill?" he inquired.
"Umm, stuff that may or may not vibrate," Bill announced with two raised eyebrows. He himself looked on the verge of laughter.
Tom shoved his fingers upwards rougher than before and Bill squeaked. Tom traveled back up Bill's body, all the while massaging inside of him, opening him up. He placed a few random kisses to his sternum before looking Bill in the eye again.
"I told you that you were a little tease," Tom boasted. "Do you think of me when you have stuff that vibrates up here?"
Tom might not admit it, but the idea made him proud and possessive, and hopeful for an affirmation.
"Maybe." Bill weaseled out of answering, but his pearly white grin was enough of a giveaway. Tom supposed he was flattered.
"...Scissor your fingers, Tomi."
"Yeah, and add another one. I wanna be really open for you so you can plow me."
"Ohmygod! Bill!" Tom closed his eyes for a moment, it was too much. He felt his dick twitch were it lay neglected but still hard. "You have such a dirty mouth."
"Wanna make it dirtier?" Bill teased and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. He was joking, but this was taking it farther than the suggestive jokes they had made in the past.
"What the fuck dude?" Tom blurted, his face scrunched up in laughter. He removed his fingers from within Bill and shook his head in dismay at Bill's cavalier attitude at a time like this. He stood up, still shaking his head. Bill was still very obviously his retard baby brother who he loved to joke around with at any and all times. He should have known this wouldn't change. It was comforting that it was indeed still true.
Bill sat up slightly on his elbows but didn't need to ask why Tom was getting up.
"So where's your lube smart guy?"
"Check under the bathroom sink. And don't get distracted by anything else you may find there also." Bill warned, and Tom made his way to the bathroom.
When Tom found the tube, he found another little treasure behind it, which had glitter in the plastic. He snorted and closed the drawer back up.
"Your love of glitter should cease to amaze me and yet it never does," he said amiably as he re-entered the bedroom, tube of KY in hand.
The room was brighter than before, since he'd left the bathroom light on. It cast everything in a warm glow, but no longer camouflaged Bill's pink cheeks.
Bill shrugged but didn't respond. He simply waited for Tom to climb back on him and watched as he drizzled lube on three fingers before taking the spot he had previously. Tom returned said fingers to Bill's bum, both of them noticing the tightness and thankful for the added slickness this time.
Having gotten comfortable once more, Tom tried twisting his fingers, and as he did, he obviously touched a sensitive spot for Bill. The younger one's breath hitched for a second and he moaned, rolling his hips down for Tom's fingers to sink deeper. Tom did it again, and it produced the same reaction. Fascinating. One more time, he twisted his fingers to probe that spot inside Bill and this time Bill yelped.
"Tomi... don't be so rough or I'll come right now."
Their gazes met for a second, and Tom got the message. He smirked. Probably not the message Bill meant though, because when Tom went back to work, he added a fourth, final finger and massaged all four even deeper into Bill than before. Really thoroughly fucking him with them.
Bill moaned loudly.
He sang beautifully in Tom's opinion. His pants, the way he looked sprawled and haphazard, his back arching as his hands curled into the sheets. It had Tom completely swept away. This was something he wanted to see over and over again, no matter how wrong.
"Tomi..." Bill panted, and Tom eased up. "Get up here."
Carefully, Tom removed his fingers from Bill, and went for the lube. Bill watched him coat the gel over his cock, and was fascinated that he'd finally convinced him. Or rather, that they'd finally got here and Tom looked like this is what he really wanted. Memories of what seemed like a past life, where him and Tom weren't sexual like this cropped up. Boy had things changed. And they were about to change even more.
Bill may have been a virgin, but he wasn't an inexperienced one. He'd done plenty of things with girls and had been pleasuring himself for years with, uh... his glitter stick, so Bill didn't really think this was such a big step in his sexual timeline, he acknowleged the of enormity of it only because it was Tom this time. Thinking back, he would know that this was in fact a very significant moment because it was the beginning of a relationship he would keep and hide for the rest of his life. This relationship would affect every aspect of his life, from the lies he told to his friends, to the songs he sang, to the houses they bought. This, this was the beginning.
"Bill." Tom whispered, when he leaned back down over his brother, positioning himself at Bill's entrance. The look on his face was serious again. This was no flippant matter.
Bill smiled. "Don't get cheesy on me. Kiss me and just do it."
Tom crushed his lips to Bill's and kissed him passionately. Their tongues wrestled in hungry kisses, both getting heated up again before Tom began to sink his cock past the sphincter of Bill's bum, slowly.
Bill didn't have any cause for protest. Tom pushed in, then pulled out a little, then back in, and went deeper every time, all the while trying to kiss Bill so that if there was any pain, he would be distracted. The incremental movements made it easier for Bill to adjust to Tom's cock.
Still slowly, with small movements, Tom had buried himself all the way in Bill, and was now fucking him gently. He didn't want to hurt Bill.
They stopped kissing and just breathed.
Both hearts were beating wildly as they looked into the other's eyes. Bill let go of Tom's neck and grabbed his hand instead. The simple gesture spoke a million thoughts.
I trust you.
Tom squeezed his hand back. It was a familiar and encouraging practice for them to give a light squeeze to the other's hand before a show, or under a table in hard times. It was reassurance. It was "I love you". It was "Don't worry". It was unnecessary to say these things out loud.
As he looked Bill in the eye, Tom tested the waters by leveling a few harder thrusts. Bill moaned in pleasure, and Tom continued. The new angle was helping Tom brush Bill's prostate with each assault, and it wasn't long until their heartrates picked up, and their breathing became erratic. It was easy to see each of the twin's chests laboring to breath through the pace Tom had created.
The air between them was palpable. Bill squeezed Tom's hand bone-crushingly hard.
Tom couldn't take his eyes off Bill. If it had been anyone else, he'd have put his head back and just enjoyed the ride. Not that Tom wasn't enjoying himself, he definitely was, but this was different.
His little brother was beneath him, taking his dick and mewing. Amazing.
It made his heart swell in pride. This was for him. All that majestic expanse of creamy pale skin was for his enjoyment.
He ran a hand down Bill's front, just to touch. He paused and gave Bill's hip a squeeze. Then meandered all the way back up to cup Bill's face.
"I love you."
Bill smiled back. He considered responding, the same words were on the tip of his tongue, but he thought Tom was getting too emotional right now. He knew Tom understood already that he felt the same, so he just kept their eye contact.
"Just fuck me right now, ok?" Bill said after a while.
Tom nodded and readjusted their position. He sat back on his haunches and pulled Bill's bum onto his thighs, bending his legs impossibly apart. He thrust up and knew he was hitting a good spot. He could tell from the way Bill was panting in front of him.
"Bill..." he himself puffed. Bill was tight. Amazing to fuck. His bum clenched perfectly around his dick, and Tom lost himself in the moment. He squeezed Bill's hips, moving them exactly how he wanted and Bill kept up with him.
The motions between them were kindling a fire in the pit of Bill's stomach.
"Call me your baby brother," he huffed, "like you do when you're so smug."
Tom remembered Bill's words from earlier and at first it was a tad disconcerting.
"Billa baby... Bill...," he moaned. It was a middle between what Bill wanted him to say and something safer.
"Say it for me," Bill begged and made his own harsh jut of the hips up to meet Tom's.
"Why?" Tom leveled a stare at him finally.
"So you know it's me." Bill grinned, all the while knowing that from now it was only downhill. The fire in his belly had become a curling and twisting ball, and Tom was only making it worse. He'd forsaken the time for good behavior.
"Fuck you, little brother!" Tom angled a thrust so deep Bill felt as if the air had been punched from his lungs. He closed his eyes for a moment, he was so close. When Bill looked back at Tom's face, he found a playful smirk on Tom's lips. It reminded him of the Tom he'd always known.
Tom knew Bill all too well. Bill was prodding the limits, pushing Tom's buttons to see what was acceptable and what would tick him off. Two could play that game.
"You want me to call you baby brother...," the elder managed to say between a slew of hard thrusts to Bill's prostate. They were close and Tom wasn't holding back anymore, he was chasing his orgasm. "You, you bastard!" he laughed. "Like this isn't bad enough. Shit. Does this fulfill, uh... all your devilish little fantasies?" Tom asked with a smirk. He bit his lip in concentration and habit.
He considered making Bill beg for it, but he was too wound up to keep up the game.
"Your bum is delicious...uhh, little brother."
This time he said it minus the bite in his tone, as one would call their lover. The words were somewhat cleansing for Tom, even if he still held on to some fear of what he'd gotten into.
Bill was too far gone to reply intelligently. Tom had said it at least and it was amazing. "Ah!... Tomi..." he whined, his voice strained and pitchy, and at the end inhaled sharply. Bill froze like an erotic statue for a moment, his jaw agape and eyes shut tight as he came, ribboning his come over his own belly.
Tom watched him. Why hadn't they done this sooner? He was completely in love and lust and swept off his feet by Bill. "Shit..."
Like Bill wasn't already the tightest sex Tom had had to date, the friction created around Tom's cock when Bill's insides spasmed brought him right to the edge.
"Shit... Oh god..."
Tom saw stars when his orgasm erupted, and he rode the waves. He dove deeper and slower each time his hips met Bill's backside, holding them together as his come coated Bill's insides thoroughly.
He looked down at Bill sprawled beneath him, taking all Tom had. It was an image to be cherished and remembered forever, no matter what. He closed his eyes for several seconds, as if pocketing the mental picture of this moment.
When he became too sensitive to keep moving, he leaned down over Bill and kissed him. Slow, lazy, familiar, full of love. It had all too quickly become normal to kiss his brother like this.
Bill's arms wrapped around Tom. They were still connected and it made Bill smile. This was what he wanted all along. To be together, completely.
If Bill died now, he would be happy, he thought as he twirled one of Tom's cornrows between his fingers. It was all a bit surreal. Like, it had finally happened. Wow. Reality was a giant anvil on Bill's normally smug and astute confidence.
"Don't thank me, you little bastard," Tom smiled. "You corrupted me," he said with a laugh, as Bill looked almost guilty. "I love you though. Forever. Ok?"
Yeah, Bill and everything about him had done quite a number on his brain.
"So we can do that again?" Bill looked hopeful. He thought he knew the answer but he needed reassurance. He didn't often feel the gravity of his feelings, but right now he was acutely aware of what this all meant for their lives.
Tom pulled Bill in for another crushingly powerful kiss. His tongue molded easily with Bill's and now more than ever Tom knew this is where he was meant to be. "Any time. I'm with you now. Wouldn't know how to go back even if I tried."
They stayed connected, breathing each other's air, kissing casually, for as long as it was comfortable.
Finally, Tom pulled out of Bill, and felt his come ooze out along with his flaccid cock. As disturbing as Tom originally thought it might be, he found the sight to be really sexy. He stared for a few seconds and could feel Bill's eyes on him. Excitement washed over Tom. He did that. Then he looked back up at Bill with a raunchy look on his face and made sure Bill watched as he spread his seed upwards with a hand and massaged it into the soft area below Bill's balls. Bill moaned lightly.
"Are you trying to make me hard again?" The younger twin grinned, and his eyebrows shot up in amazement at Tom's actions.
"Not deliberately." Tom was mainly fascinated with Bill's body, his little hole, and marking him with his come. He smirked and squeezed Bill's thigh.
They stayed up for some time, just touching and kissing, before cleaning up and falling asleep at the break of dawn.
As his sleepy eyes battled to stay open so that he could keep looking at Bill's sleeping form cocooned under his arm, Tom thought he understood everything now. There would most likely always be war against his feelings, but peace was also in the arms of his brother. Bill was both at the same time, and Tom couldn't get enough.