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Anthem

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ANTHEM

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It is a sin to write this. 

Bill paused as soon as he had written the sentence. His pencil hovered a few millimeters off the paper of the brand new notebook. 

He'd been opening and closing this damn thing for weeks now. 

Could he really do this? 

He steadied his hand and wrote one more sentence.

I love him. 

Then he paused again and stared at the words.

He shut the notebook. 

He couldn't do it today. 


--- 


Tom walked into the kitchen and was surprised to see his brother seated at the island counter. Bill had been awfully distant the last few days, but if he was being honest, the behavior had started a few weeks ago. And he had a feeling he knew why. 

While Tom busied himself with preparing a bowl of oatmeal for himself, he watched as Bill stared off into space. Or rather, just out the window. No matter, Tom still knew that Bill was captivated by his own thoughts. The bowl of cereal was sogging in front of him, spoon long forgotten even if it was still grasped in his hand. 

"Are you thinking about it?" 

Bill took a few moments before fixing Tom with a focused glare. "I don't know what you're talking about." 

"Don't do that. I know you are. Why are you avoiding me?" 

"I'm not." 

Tom laughed. "Bullshit." 

"Don't be an insensitive pig." 

Tom sat down across from his brother with his fresh bowl of breakfast goop and ate a big spoonful of it with a knowing smile. 

"You're making too big of a deal out of it." 

"I can't believe you aren't." 

"I don't have anything to figure out." 

Bill stared at him, and slowly his face shifted into a frown. "Do you even mean it?" 

"I meant it with every part of me and every inch of my soul." 

Bill looked down. He was thinking again. 

Tom knew it would take time. 

Bill got up. He dumped out his cereal and deposited his bowl into the dishwasher before disappearing back up the stairs. 


--- 


Tom wasn't worried. 

He thought he should be, considering his actions last month. Or maybe their whole lives. But he wasn't. 

If anything, he felt more at peace with the world than he ever had before. 

Thinking back, he took up his guitar and went out to the balcony with it. 

The night was serene. A breeze so gentle it barely rustled the trees at all was sweeping through the summer air, and the stars sparkled above him.

He sat back on the old lounge chair and looked up at the stars. Not even their majestic beauty could rival Bill's.

The first notes from his guitar danced off from beneath his fingers with a long pause before the second ones. Slowly, the disjointed strumming melted into a newly familiar tune. Something he had been writing for his brother. 


--- 


I'm actually in love. 

Bill was writing again. He had managed another sentence since this morning.

Since last month. 

He had spent most of his time alone wondering how Tom could be so ok with it. How on earth he could have said that. That was the hardest part. How could Tom be so brave? 

Scratch that. 

How could Tom be so reckless? 

Just walk up to him and do all that. Anyone could have walked in. 

Bill wasn't that brave. 

Wasn't that stupid, he tried to convince himself since then. Or since they were nine. 

Yet, there he was writing girly crap in his newly purchased diary. 


--- 


Another day, another attempt. 

It is a sin for me to feel like this. 

Bill was making progress. 

Or something like that. 

A psychiatrist would probably say quite the opposite. 

But I don't care. God can go climb a tree. 

If only his mother knew he felt like this.

Had Tom considered her feelings at all? 

Bill wanted to go ask him. 

He made it all the way to the open doorway of his brother's room, when he heard the music coming from the balcony and he stopped. 

Tom was out there again tonight. Bill could see him through the curtains. 

He could see the guitar on his lap, and even through the dark and window and fabric, he could see Tom's eyes were closed. 

Bill walked closer and stopped to lean on the doorframe of the open sliding-door to Tom's private balcony.

Tom didn't stop playing even though he knew Bill was there. 

This song was for him after all. 

Instead, he hummed along to his own tune. 

Bill thought it was beautiful. Much slower than most of the songs they wrote together. 

Tom finally looked over at Bill and sung one lyric to him. 

"~You are the beauty in my life." 

"Tom, you can't say that kind of stuff." 

Bill blushed. 

Tom was undeterred. It only gave him more wind to keep going. 

"~You are my everything," he sang rather quietly. 

Bill heard him loud and clear.

"~More sparkly than the stars." 

"~More sunny than the sun." 

"~More yummy than apple pie." 

Tom smiled back at him. He played a few more notes before putting his guitar down.

"I suck at lyrics. That's your territory. I'm thinking of scratching the apple pie bit, but not because it's untrue." 

Bill couldn't hold their gaze anymore. He looked out onto the landscape beyond. 

"Have you thought about mom at all?" 

"I have." 

"And?" 

"I think it doesn't matter. And if the situation came to be that it would, I think she would be ok with it. In the end." 

"You amaze me." Bill sighed and shook his head. 

Tom rose from his seat and now blocked Bill's view of the trees. Blocked his view of everything actually, since he was so close now. 

"Tomi?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Are you going to kiss me again?" 

"Do you want me to?" 

"Yes." Bill looked into his eyes. "But," 

Tom laughed. "But?"

"Please don't do it now." 

"Ok." 

So Tom took his hand instead, and wrapped himself around Bill's body, holding him close. 

"I love you too, you know that, right?" Bill spoke into Tom's neck.

"I know." 

Tom held him close, and massaged down his back. 

Bill breathed into his brother's neck. He wanted to cry. This was the way they always had been. So close. 

As Tom's hands slid beneath his t-shirt, he kissed Tom's neck. 

Tom's fingers burned his skin where they touched, and they were moving up his back, up his sides. Pulling his shirt upwards as well. 

Bill was overwhelmed. 

Like last time. 

He wanted to be kissed again. He wanted to give all his breathes to Tom, who would hold him and take care of him and be his like this for his whole life. 

"Tomi." 

Tom pulled apart just enough to look Bill in the eye.

"Tomi. Don't let go yet."

"Never will." 

Tom pulled Bill's shirt back down and just kept him in his warm embrace until Bill went back to his own room hours later. 


--- 


I want to feel like this for the rest of my life. I want to be his forever.

There. 

That was it. Was it really that easy? 

What had been so freaking hard to write about that? 

Oh, you know... just society, his parents, the law, religion, all his friends, and morals and whatnot, all kind of thrown out the window. 

No biggie. 

I'm so freaking in love. 

I want to be his. I want him to take me away to the land of dreams. And I want to live there. 

I want to build a house there, and have all our dogs there, and be happy with him forever.
 

Last month Tom had told him he was in love with him. It was something Bill had been trying to fight since he was nine. 

That was the first time Tom had kissed him like that.

There were brotherly kisses, and then there were the type of kisses that made Bill's knees go weak. 

As they got older, those kisses only got better. 

Only burned more, every time Tom's lips touched his skin, and every time his tongue invaded his mouth. 

When they were thirteen, they started being more physical. 

Back then they didn't talk much about it. 

Bill used to cry for hours when he saw Tom flirt and go on dates with other girls. 

Then he used to pull himself together and tell himself he wasn't in love. 

As they became more mature, Bill realized the girls meant nothing to his brother. That Tom didn't even fuck them unless they had had a huge fight and Bill had pushed him away. 

And then the girls disappeared all together. Bill didn't even know when it happened, but it had been years now.

Then it was only them. 

Only their strange sexy games. 

For the twins, it was a game to see how fast Tom could get Bill off by fingering his prostate until he came. 

It was a game for Bill to suck Tom off. 

Somehow it was all normal. Pleasuring eachother, it felt natural. And then a minute later they could be brothers again. 

And then last month Tom had shattered Bill's whole facade at confidence, that they weren't really doing anything wrong. 

Tom had caught him by surprise, pinned him to the wall of their tourbus and kissed him mercilessly. 

That part was normal. 

The real surprise was when Tom told Bill he couldn't breathe without him anymore. 

"Pardon, what??" 

"I want to stop pretending like this isn't what we really want." 

Tom was manhandling him and Bill was loving it.

"I want to make love to you finally and I want you to know it. And I want to do that for the rest of our lives." 

"You can't mean it." 

"I love you more than life itself." 

"Tom, stop. Anyone could walk in right now." 

"Let them." 

In the end, Bill had wriggled away and said he needed to figure some stuff out. 

He just needed to pull his head out of his ass. 

No pun intended.

Bill needed to understand this "whole life" business. 

The next day he bought himself a diary. 


--- 


Tom was singing to him again. 

Tom's voice was gentler than Bill's. Not as steady, trained, or powerful. 

But it was making Bill want to cry. 

A tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away with the back of his hand. 

Tom stopped playing. He put his guitar down and held his hand out to his brother. 

Bill took it and was pulled into Tom's lap. 

"~You are my everything," Tom sang. 

It was their anthem, he knew, even if Bill would help him add better verses to it later. 

"~More sparkly than the stars." 

"~More sunny than the sun." 

"~More yummy than apple pie." 

He always smiled at that lyric, and was happy Bill did too. He wiped a second tear off Bill's cheek and hoped it would be the last he would ever shed. 

"~You are the beauty in my life." 

"Tom?" Bill wrapped his arms around his brother's neck and Tom stopped humming. 

"Yes?" 

"Take my shirt off." 

Tom took Bill's shirt off and threw it to the side of the lounge chair they were sitting on. 

Bill straddled his twin and got so close that Tom could feel his hot breath on his face. Bill was hot all over, even in the slightly cooler breeze of the midsummer night. Even if he was skin and bones shining in the moonlight. 

He kissed Bill's jaw where it met his neck and Bill's eyes fluttered closed. 

Nothing compared to his brother. He wanted this to last forever. 

Tom ran his hands over Bill's mid-section to calm his nerves. He supported him with an arm at the small of his back and bent him backwards slightly for a better view. For a better angle to feast on. 

He kissed down his neck. Down his chest and sucked on his favorite nipple until Bill moaned in pleasure and opened his eyes once more. 

He swiped his thumb over the piercing in Bill's nipple and waited for another instruction that was sure to come.

"Tom," 

"Mmm?" 

"Kiss me and mean it." 

"I've meant it from the beginning." 


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THE END.