Lupin had talked him into some strange stuff. Car chases off of cliffs, prison breaks that made them overgrow their beards, cruise ships menaced by imaginary dinosaurs-but this, without a doubt, had to be the dumbest thing Lupin ever put him up to. Nobody in this club could buy that he was a woman, right? No amount of shaving cream and makeup in the world could hide the angular legs, scarred hands, and line of his jaw as he clenched his teeth and swallowed. The curtain was rising any minute on him making a complete idiot out of himself...all cause he just couldn’t say no to one guy…
Well. Not exactly.
“Jigennnnn cmonnnnnnnnnn! Just this one favor, please!”
“And I already told ya, no! ”
Jigen flops back on the couch two weeks earlier, grabbing his pack from nearby to smoke in a huff, knee jiggling as he goes on while the smoke pools out his mouth like a lazy river, “You can’t get Goemon or Fujiko to do it?”
“You don’t think I already tried??” Lupin gives a sort of helpless shrug, flopping down on the couch so his legs have Jigen’s lap pinned, hand resting on his chin while he pouts at him, “Fujiko just told me she had “Business” to take care of and Goemon won’t do it! He can’t do it anyway-With the way his voice cracks, I don’t think he could hold a chord to save his life.”
“Yeah about that-” Jigen glares his direction under the brim of his hat, “What makes you so sure I can sing anyhow? I’ve smoked since I was fourteen and got the pipes to prove it! And even if I didn’t, why in the hell do I gotta dress in drag for this job??”
Lupin leans over, swiping one of his cigarettes to puff on, his arms folding back behind his head, “Jigen, I’ve heard you in the shower sometimes...You got a good voice yknow. Husky.”
“H-husky…? The hell kinda comp-”
“Plus!” He points a finger right at him, rotating it in a circle, “I wanna take advantage of the little “accident” we had while I still can! You get that part, right??”
“I wouldn’t even have this if it hadn’t been for that shitty new gadget you made!” And Jigen self-consciously rubbed his chin, letting out a sigh when he touches smooth skin. There was a reason he never shaved down his beard regularly. It took ages to grow back and get looking just right. “What kind of thief builds a bubblegum bomb anyway…” He grumbled.
“This one!” Lupin sat up now, his hands clasped together in prayer. “So please, please do this one solid for me Jigen?? The stage has the best vantage point in the whole theater and you’re the best marksman I have. Just one song. Long as you get up there for one song, we can make this work.”
“...” Jigen was staring him down, seeing if he’d yield. But...dammit, Lupin was giving him those eyes. The kind of puppydog look that he’d normally reserve when politely asking Fujiko if he could touch her boobs tonight or when he was about to go for the last slice of pizza. Jigen inhaled on his cigarette again, letting it out in a smooth stream through clenched teeth, foot tapping for a few beats…
“...Fffffffffine. I’ll do it.” He jabs the hand with the cigarette at him with a glare, “But you’re going sixty-forty on this, and you better have a damn good way to make it up to me after.”
With the way Lupin grinned at him at the time, Jigen was kind of nervous how Lupin planned to repay this. But the weeks had gone by and led him up to here. To the stage of the Bolshoi theater in Moscow. Standing there in black heels and makeup and a sleeveless, slinky little number that gave a good look up his shaved legs nearly to his thigh, black fabric covered in smaller stones and glitter that made it look like someone wrapped a night sky around him. Lupin had covered up most of the scars himself, but nobody was gonna buy this.
The woman he was replacing had looked a lot like him-which just told Jigen that Lupin had probably considered this path from the start, but nobody would buy it when he started to sing. He knew that, Lupin knew that, everyone in goddamn Russia knew that. But...he’d also survived a hell of a lot worse. So why’d this make him so nervous? The curtains start to lift and he focuses on breathing in, massaging his throat to get his vocal chords flexible.
At least the theme of this event was something he could get behind. Jazz numbers, American, made with some of the diplomats here tonight in mind. The Russians didn’t exactly do a ton of charity events, and Jigen wasn’t eager to uncover whatever true purpose they had in mind. He was just the gunman-Lupin was the big detective in that department. Their main goal tonight was on the centerpiece-a chandelier up above, frankly tacky compared to their normal fare, with the real prize resting down on the bottom. A fifty-one karat diamond that glimmered in the stage lights. Lupin’s job was to swipe it. Simple enough.
Hell, way too simple. The guy wouldn’t even need to leave his chair from where he sat, right underneath it in the dead center of the theater. Jigen was stuck doing all the hard work! Waiting for the signal, hit the high note, Lupin shoots it down with a silencer while the audience is captivated, keep an eye out for anyone trying to shoot Lupin. He gritted his teeth and breathed out again, manicured hands taking up the mic now, settling one hand back to shift his made-up hair aside and give the audience a smouldering look.
Fine. Lupin wanted a show? Then he’d damn well give his boss a show. His eyes searched the crowd till they landed on him-sitting there all smug, one leg up over the other. He watched as he blinked a few times, sitting up, his eyes doing their damndest to get underneath that silky dress. Sheesh, for someone who got him all fixed up in the first place, he was easy to impress.
“Sometimes when I...want to run away and hide...when there’s no one on my side-”
Jigen didn’t call himself much of a singer, but damn if he couldn’t try. It was one part imitation, two parts the corset giving him an hourglass figure, and three parts the band getting him in the mood. He could never resist a good tune to sing along with. And maybe a part of it was the audience too. Nobody looked disgusted or aghast he was here instead of a beautiful woman. Right now he was that woman- drawing them in with his voice and his leg and the smouldering look over the crowd as he crooned.
“ Nothing left to do but try to take the leap and follow through...and that’s exactly what I’ll do-”
The tempo of the band had picked up, plucking the microphone up from the stand and walking the line with it, his eyes on the audience and their eyes on him, following him along the path. And they couldn't get enough. He suppressed a snort trying to imagine their wives and mistresses later as they tried to explain why they wanted them to dye their hair darker and start smoking six packs a day to look and sound like a mystery gal they watched in Russia.
And most of all, he was watching. And he was completely entranced. No longer sitting like a punk jackass in his seat and instead, leaning forward on his elbows, hand on his chin, finger tapping at his nose. And as the band picked up, he could see his foot tapping with the swell of the horns.
“But not for long, I’ll be rollin’ place to place, won’t stop till I win the race although I may have crossed the line~”
And his eyes locked right on Lupin as he strutted across the stage, mic to his mouth, soaking up the attention like a sponge. It wasn’t often that Jigen got to be center stage of an operation, used to hiding in the shadows. Surprisingly, he seemed to like it though. The feeling of looking over this sea of men and feeling like the hottest piece of tail here. Maybe Fujiko was onto something.
“ That I’m...not the villain I appear to be.”
As the band swelled for the big finale, he caught Lupin’s eye again. He was fidgeting with a gold watch, glimmering it towards the stage. Big Finale time. He looked anxious-had security caught onto them yet? Can’t focus on that now-had to build into it.
“Movin’ along no I won’t settle down, until I’m locked behind bars or kicked outta town-”
Back to center stage, jealous and desperate eyes upon him, wanting to just reach out and grab that slinky little number and tear it off him. Hungry for him.
Right when they wanted it most, give them that little smile, grab onto the mic stand.
“And I know you think I’m crazy, but I hope that maybe now, you’ll see why…”
Deep breath. Eyes on Lupin, spot the glint of a pistol in his hand. But nobody cared one damn bit. They were all just on him. And only him.
“ I had to try-!”
And down went the diamond as the music swelled and he carried the note through without a crack, watching that big, beautiful rock disappear into the dark of Lupin’s tux. And as he stood up to clap, Jigen took his finale cue to finish the act. A hand dramatically to his head, stumble, and pretend to faint on stage. He could hear the collective gasps of horror around the audience, the hurrying of feet to his spot, the curtains closing in.
Before they even reached him, he was already off the stage.
It had taken some finangling to find the right meet-up spot that was far enough they wouldn’t be looking for a singer so late at night. Which was good cause it gave Jigen a chance to spread his legs and smoke, his free hand on the glass of whiskey as he downed it and held it out for another.
“You know, a pretty lady like you shouldn’t drink so much.” The bartender said in Russian, a crinkle in his eyes as he filled him up regardless, “It’ll go right to your hips.”
“Yeah well my heel will go right to your ass if you talk like that.”
“HAH! A pretty face and a rude mouth! Are you sure you’re not Russian yourself??”
Jigen smirked, took a slow sip from the glass, and didn’t look over as someone sat down besides him and slipped a hand around his waist, “You pulled that off better than I thought you would.”
“And you shook off the cops faster than I thought.” Jigen breathed out a plume of smoke, watching Lupin smack some rubles on the counter waving in a hand to take the bottle of jack from the barkeep himself and refill Jigen’s cup.
“They didn’t even notice!! Hell they might not even know it’s gone till tomorrow!” He leaned into him like an especially affectionate cat and practically purred into his neck, “You were amazing out there, Jigen! Why didn’t you tell me you could sing like that??”
“Probably cause I didn’t know myself…” His eyes locked onto Lupin, “Speaking of, you were absolutely full of it, weren’t you?”
“H-huh?” Lupin straightened up, both his fingers tapping together as he looked everywhere but on him, “Whatcha mean??”
“I never sing in the shower. You just knew I could put on a good enough woman’s voice…” He leaned in, staring the man down, watching the sweat run like bullets down his cheek...after a moment, his eye widened, showing beneath his dark hair. “...You little sneak you just wanted me in a dress, didn’t you???”
“W-well! Jigen! Lets not jump to conclusions here!!” He was rubbing his neck hard enough to leave a rash as he laughed and laughed, watched him jolt as he finished the whiskey in his glass and slammed it down.
“Keep my tab open, bartender.” He uttered in Russian, grabbing Lupin by the tie to drag him to the bathroom, pinning him with the flat of his arm to the wall. “Alright, quit it with the whole sheepish and shy routine, Lupin.” He could play detective too and his hand moved in to cup the evidence, “You were rock hard the moment I showed up on stage, weren’t you?”
He watched for a moment as Lupin floundered, stammered, tried to deny it, before he seemed to give up the act and grin at Jigen, his hand moving to grab a hold of his ass, “Can you blame me? You look-”
“Amazing?” Jigen huffed, digging through Lupin’s jacket to dig out his hat, putting it back on with a grin that felt way more comfortable then a demure little smile, “Well, I did have a pretty talented guy doing my makeup. You’ll have to get some pointers from him.”
“Hey, rude!” Lupin snickered, leaning in to start to kiss at Jigen’s jawline, at his neck, “Do you know how bad I wanted just to swing up there and get that dress off you?” And Jigen could hear the eager breathiness of his voice, feel as his groin pressed against his palm-hard as a rock and raring to go. “I thought I was gonna lose it out there…”
“Well, you’re the professional thief here.” He leaned in, grinning, all teeth and dark lipstick, squeezing his hand experimentally around Lupin. “I just aim for the target and hit ‘em where it hurts.”
Lupin groaned lowly, “I knooowww…” His head tilted back for a moment to ease out a sigh, then he wrapped his arms around Jigen, “And you’re so, so good at that…” His hands were all over Jigen in an instant. Pulling up his dress, grabbing his ass, tracing up to undo the ribbons on his corset and kiss him like a man diving for water after getting stuck in a desert.
One thing was for sure-it was gonna be hard creeping around in the shadows if he got this much attention for his efforts...maybe he’d need to get some makeup tips from Fujiko.
Chapter 2: Not really a chapter but making it one anyway so people see it
Holy shit guys, I had to add on a lil bit to this fic because friendlytroll wrote an AMAZING followup to this fic that I'd be absolutely bonkers not to bring to ya'll's attention here! https://archiveofourown.org/works/17868284 Seriously I could just drink this fic up it's that good. Please enjoy! And enjoy a teensy lil followup below the link here when you're done~
"Oh Jiiiiiiiigen~ Got another one fresh off the guy for you!"
"Can you put it with the rest?"
"Aw no way! This one is special!!"
"Well...lets just say a certain Inspector might've been in the crowd the other night?"
Jigen, sat atop his literal throne of bouquets, candies, and liquor bottles, looks to the red bouquet in Lupin's hands for a solid few minutes. His beard was starting to just prickle back in and it was itching like hell...so maybe he could trim it down just another night. "Well, you gonna hand it over or what?"