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The Last Letter

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"Is it worth it, can you even hear me?"

I don't know why I still write to you. It's pointless, but it feels good. It's like these words are a link from me to you.

I still have the other two letters in drawer in my room, with stamps and your address on. But I will never send them anywhere.

If you don't give me the address to heaven.

But you won't answer anyway. You disappeared. I'm gonna start sending you postcards soon to force you to answer. Everyone can see what I write on them you know.

It almost has been a month now. I don't cry all the time anymore, but I miss you. The sorrow is like a lid that stops all my feelings from moving. It locks them up in a dark room where no happiness can enter.

I can't see any point in living anymore. The only point is you, and you're dead anyway.

I don't think I can go back to playing music. I haven't even listen to music since you left, it hurt too much. I don't even care about my career anymore. My family tries to help me, but I won't let them. The only thing I want is you. To be able to feel you again, to talk to you, and they can't give me that.

My sister made me happy the other day though. I think I told you that she took a photo of us while you were asleep? I almost forgot about that. She got the film developed and she gave me the picture of us. I smiled when I saw it. I can't remember the last time I smiled, but when I saw you there, peacefully sleeping on my shoulder I smiled. You were so cute.

I have it in a frame now on my wall.

I did something bad, I cut my arm. Just like you did, only to see why you liked it so much. So now I have your name carved into my left arm too. But I still can't understand why you did it, it just hurts like hell! I will for sure never do it again. But I like having your name there, I can't prove my love for you in any other way, so why not like this? I hope it will leave a scar for life. But it won't, I didn't dare cut deep enough.

In one of the first letters I wrote to you after you told me the truth about yourself I wrote that I didn't think you dared take your life. Apparently I was wrong...I think that part was about me. You dared to cross that line, but I don't. I can't say who is the chicken of us, myself who doesn't dare to hurt myself like that, or you who ran away from all the pain, and never gave life a second chance.

I want nothing more than to die right now, so I can be with you again. But I'm too scared to do it. There is no point of me being here, but I don't know how to end it. Every time I go outside I hope a car will hit me.

I almost stopped eating, there is no point in doing that either.

I had a beautiful dream last night. You and me were sitting on the beach, just like those nights when we stayed in California while recording Nevermind, looking at the sea. I could feel you beside me, but I didn't dare to look at you, it was like you would disappear if I looked at you. You asked me to close my eyes and so I did.

While my eyes were closed you crawled up in my lap and put your arms around my neck. "You can look now", you said and you kissed me. You were so beautiful, you had no track marks on your arms, and you didn't look lifeless, like the last time I saw you.

You broke the kiss and smiled sadly at me. "Come with me Dave. Don't leave me again" you said and hugged me.

I will come with you, one day I will. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a few years or maybe when I'm 90. But I will and I will never leave you again. But I have a feeling it will be sooner than 90. Can you die from heartache, sometimes I think I'm about to do that.

See you in heaven, Kurt. My dear.

I'm always yours.

Dave