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Silent tears

Chapter Text

Hamilton, as we all know by now, served in the war. The man had seen death on the battlefield and so much sadness, this scared him a little but not as much as George Washington did. George Washington was a man of honour who fough in the war longer than Hamilton or most of his closest friends, the day when Hamilton stepped foot on his office Washington couldn’t believe at how young and scrawny the boy looked like- back then, Hamilton didn’t know how to take care of himself, he looked so small everyone thought he’ll die immediately in war but how is it that many people have reccomended him to be Washington’s aide-de-camp? Hamilton, age 19, experienced horrible scenes that made him ready to fight in the war.

 

Washington couldn’t help but laugh.

 

After he had enough of the runors spreading about Hamilton he finally called the boy in. Insted of a big and strong soldier stepping inside the tent, a child stepped in. Usually the men he sees when they come in look like they’re about to wet their pants, this time the boy was so confident and strong-willed, he was interested at the boy’s actions.

“Have I done something wrong, sir?” Said Alex calmly.

“In the contrary,” replied Washington,”I called you in because our odds are beyond scary.” Alex didn’t seem intimidated at the statement, Washington started to like him even more.” Your reputation precedes you, but I have to laugh.” 

“Sir?”

“Hamilton, how come no one can get you on their staff?” 

“Sir!” 

“Don’t get me wrong, you’re a young man, of great renown. I know you stole British cannons when we were still downtown, Nathaniel Green and Henry Knox wanted to hire you.” Even what he does shows that he’s a body full of bravery, this scared Washington in a way that was good. 

“To be their Secretary? I don’t think so.” Says Alex, Washington can pick out a bit of the young adult, he’s stubborn, reckless; brave but calm.

Their conversation continued flawlessly, that is until Hamilton made Washington suspicious of him, what Washington said made Hamilton spill out something that bothered Washington a lot at the end of their talk. The boy had a death wish. He didn’t care about dying on the battlefield, he didn’t care if he died like a martyr. This isn’t something a 19 year old should say is it? This reminded him of himself when he was younger, Washington was willing to sacrifice himself but after he seen all the liveless limbs and bodies all he wanted to do is to keep his men safe.

You know what else bothered him? The fact that Hamilton had visibly big scars around his skinny body, some new, some made 10 years ago. Of course some of them must be scars for fighting but the fact that he has more scars than he has made Washington’s heart sink, some of them look self made.

 

self-harm.

 

That’s it.

 

Washington wanted to hug his aide-de-camp so bad, but the state he was could be dangerous.


 

Before Washington was called to the doctor’s tent, Hamilton had a solo fight with 5 British troops. He was outnumbered but surprisingly he was able to knock out all of them, getting hurt in the process. Hamilton was able to protect 3 soldiers but he was the one to get all the hits, Washington was devastated at what he heard.

“Where is Alex!?” He shouted as soon as he entered the tent, his eyes widened as the state of his boy, for once he looked so defeated and weak this made Washington freeze in concern. Alex was lying on the bed unconscious, what calmed Washington was that he could see Alex’s chest rising up and down- his son is alive. 

“Genral sir.” strictly says the doctor, Washington knows by the voice tone that what he is going to say is serious, “ I think we have suspicions of Alexander here. As may have seen he has far too many bruises and scars.” Washington gulps. “We suspected at first that these scars are war made, but ever since the last time we saw him this is the first time I’ve ever seen a young adult able to fight flawlessly even though they haven’t seek medical attention and being injured.” The doctor pushes his glasses and puts a hand on Washington’s shoulder. “This might be early signs of self-harm.” Both men are stood looking at Alexander silently, he looks so peaceful, after working for 24/7 repeatedly he can finally rest. Washington’s heart is getting tight, self-harm?

 

The poor boy is doing this at such an early age

 

Self-harm

That’s it.

This is what is bothering Alex.

Washington feels that this isn’t the only reason.

Chapter Text

Alex and John are two close friends that you could call best friends forever, when you and your bff have a high bondage you can share your problems with each other, in this situation John is the only person in the bond who can do that. We all know that Henry Laurens is an abusive father, of course, and because of that John has a lot of days where he feels down because of a memory he remembers; in those days, he immediately tells Alexander to get better because Alex has a nice and caring side John gets extremely calm and glee after talking with Alex about his problems. One day, John noticed that Hamilton doesn’t usually talk about what is making him sad, actually, Hamilton always looks calm, happy, braveful not even John is that worried about Hamilton’s mental health state as he knows Alex is okay, so John went up to Hamilton asked him if he was okay. Alex replied with a happy “Yes!” and then left to go to Washington’s office, this wasn’t convincing enough for Laurens, the way Ham talked wasn’t the usual Hamilton, he sounded like his glimmer of hope was gone.

After Washington and Hamilton finished their talk both men walked out of the tent, Hamilton still looking defeated but Washington looked bothered by something, Laurens is good at body language so he asked George about what is making him upset, Washington said, “Ah! Laurens, actually, I want to talk with you privately if you mind...?” whispers George in a concerned tone, Laurens immediately nods and walks with him inside his office.

“General sir? What is the inportant matter you want to talk about?” states Laurens. He stiffens as he sees Washington turn around with a worried gaze.

“You know Lieutenant Hamilton more than I do don’t you?” he says, “I have a bad feeling about his state, I want you to know what is bothering him without making him get suspicious.”

“So you’ve seen how he is acting too? This is not like him.” Responds Laurens

“Us three as well.” Lafayette, Hercules and Burr appeared on the door, their faces also looking troubled. “I got a plan and this might involve a lot of whiskey...!” says Harcules as the men approach Washington.


 

The next day John and company decided to throw a small party, Alex being surprised at the sudden notice. Their plan was to make Alexander so drunk to make him spill out information faster and clearly (the information, not the words, the words WILL be horrible lol.). Burr and Washington thought it was horrible but so easy to make him spill the beans, the poor boy is going to suffer.

The group, which was followed by Burr AND Washington, decided to go to a pub called ‘The Goose’ which was actually big and so nicely decorated, the pub showed a lot of types of alcohol, whine, whiskey, etc. This was the paradise for all of the men.

“Usual?” asks the bartender, grinning at Hercules.

“This time, give us the strongest drink over there , I’m giving these men of honour a good treat and challenge!” Says Hercules as he points at all the Alcohol and drinks on the shelf and quickly says, “Thus is on the house you all!” 

The bartender pours a glass and hands it out to Hercules then it is passed to Alexander, Hercules says “I want you to drink first!” whis is followed by Hamilton saying, “You’re on!” Hamilton holds the cup and drinks it, once he finished he gently places the drink on the table, he’s blushing and a but sleepy,

definately drunk.

“Yes! It w—“ exclaims John as he is interrupted by Alex.

“Ah! Higuy s! ahh wasigntog! Meh DadY! I forGot You we Re thereR!” he says and looks at bByrr, “I also FpggoR sabout ypo!”

“Okay Alex we need you to respond to us! Why where you upset today?” Sternly says Washington as Hamilton drunkly laughs.

“Because I forgot that my mom died today years ago! In a drumpass! I write a ketter ti her and vurned it because dhe wonf reas it!” He cheerfully says, “And bbcause it’d me burtgday! Janura the 11th! i hatr ne birthdays, horrible stuff haooen thesr deys,,,,” 

His friends look at him as his tears flow out of his eyes, they don’t want to know why he hates his birthday- just with that information they can see that he had way worse birthdays and a bad childhood than them. They hug him and wish that they where there with him in those days.

Chapter Text

I wanna be like you I wanna say that I can

I remember saying that to Lauren’s before he died, Laurens was an inspiring man who I achieved to be. The gap between us both was too big day after day I found it to be impossible to reach him. It was impossible.

I want to be the person who you think that I am

People say that I’m too loud or too chatty, they think that I am a chatterbox. 

 

Complete lies.

 

I WANT to be the person that they think I am.

Strong willed, brave, happy, stubborn.

 

But even though if I had it all come true, like a dream, is the person I came to be the eerie real me?

 

It’s like a dream I can’t reach, I can’t be happy, I’ve hurt so many people I deserve all the hate.

 

So young and simple wishing like things would come true.

 

Too young and naïve, I wished to be the hero in my dreams. I wished to become president and make America a perfect country,

it was all ruined my me.

 

Now as I am, I understand It’s best I die and soon.

 

I’ve hurt far too many people, I’m such an idiot.

The best way to die is in vain.

Someone has to pull a trigger on me.

Or I should place a gun in my throat and trigger it.

 

I’m a worthless piece of shit, I shouldn’t be here.

 

Just by living I’m hurting them again, hundreds cry all I do is ruin everything.no one there to need if only I could live in that kind of world I dreamed.

A place where My dear Eliza is happy with Philip! A world where Lafayette, John, Hercules and Burr are away from me.

That’s the world I dreamed.

 

Just by leaving I’m helping them another day, hundred smile - all they do is laugh at everything.

Nobody there to scream, no more being mean but see things like that would never happen for me.

 

A world like that couldn’t exist, I start crying and silently scream, a world where everyone could be happy is better off without me. I drop to the floor and release the tears building up from my eyes.

Nobody hasn’t heard me yet.

 

day after day I find myself sleepwalking through

I have become too vulnerable than before I even sleepwalk to work, I remember people laughing at me-I don’t blame them, I do deserve this.

I start to hyperventilate, sobbing and breathing are becoming too hard to control.

No one still hasn’t heard me.

 

like this i’ll fade without a trace, it’s for the best I do.

just by living i’m nothing for another day.Hundred lives, never knowing me or anything.

 

What would happen if I died?

Would they be happy?

would they forget about me?

Will they FINALLY smile?

 

Can I be a hero for everyone just once?

Mama and James suffered because of me, I couldn’t do anything. No matter how hard I did, every attempt to be gone, I couldn’t seem to die.

John had to die and I couldn’t do anything, I wasn’t there for him,  if I could’ve stopped thinking about becoming a general could I have saved him?

Lafayette, I left him and I made him suffer. It was all my fault, Jefferson is right, I should’ve came back to Nevis and rot in there.

My poor Eliza suffered because of me. I cheated on her and broke her heart and then I couldn’t stop Philip from dying. She had to bear all of that pain because of me. Philip and Betsey are innocent and should recieve more happiness.

 

nobody wanted me, no one there to need. Why would I wanna live in the kind of world I see? Just by leaving i’m no one for another day. hundred lives, never changing them or anything, nobody there to scream, no more being mean to me then could I have it all back in one piece? 

 

I start to roll up my sleeves and stand up to grab my blade that is securely and secretly hidden in the sink. 

I start laughing uncontrollably.

 

In the end, we’ll fall to the ground again over and over and never get up in the end.

 

I never got up after my many defeats, if I stood up I could’ve been useful to them. At least I stood up to MY legacy,

my legacy?

That’s so dumb

 

I gently place the blade on my wrists and made quick cuts on my arms, I watch as the blood slowly drips out of my wrists.

 

The person they made in me breaking and breaking and never pick up. in the end, we’re leaving it all again over and over and never wake up.

just by living i’m bringing you another day why, just for me, can you smile after everything?

 

I cleaned myself and sat on my chair, I look down and mutter out all if my apologies.

I hear the door opening but I am too weak to turn around, I don’t want them to see me, either way I still continue my rambling of my apologies.

The person hesitates on closing the door and after a few seconds they close the door.

 

That way of closing the door...

That was Eliza,

could this be my moment to finally be useful?

 

 

 In the end, the smile you give to me right when I wanted to give it all up and I really do wish that I didn’t and all of the moments I tried just to die said goodbye.

I remember that time when I was fighting on the war and Eliza calmed me down when I felt worthless, her smile was so gentle I weeped even more. That day I wanted to give up but she was there to save me.

Up to this day I still haven’t finished my debt for her.

 

just by leaving i’m no one for another day. hundred lives, never changing them or anything.

I follow Eliza once more to apologise to her, we end up on the garden near our house.

I turn to her and bow.

She looks at me.

 

somebody here to scream, someone here is stopping me.

“Look around Look around! Eliza! I know how you feel, but I’m not afraid anymore. I want to apologise for my horrible deeds, I don’t care if you don’t accept, all that I care is that you’ve seen me apologise. I know who I’ve married. So my dear Eliza, Please, Forgive me.”

 

why can’t I laugh it off the way that i’d dreamed?

 

She starts to cry and puts her hands on her smiling mouth. She thightly hugs me,

I start to weep and mumble once again my forgivenesses

 

“You are forgiven.”

Chapter Text

It all started the very first second he was born.

He was a bastard, meaning that his ‘parents’ weren’t married in law. Rachel (Lavien) Faucette and James Hamilton aren’t ideal for each other even though both got along very well, they where just not made for each other. James j.r and Alexander where the only out of other “several children” (stated Hamilton) that didn’t die at such a young age. He was also a whore-child, Rachel was married in law to another man called Johann Michael Lavien, both had a baby called Peter but Rachel soon left them. 

 

Quite harsh is it not? Being called son of a whore and a bastard. 

 

The thing is that later on his father left full of debt, years later he lost his mother due to the exact same disease he had. The people he is supposed to trust, to love, died and are gone. Except his brother James.J.R. Both are actually close, Hamilton sometimes wrote letters to him and the other one also responds back. Brother goals isn’t it? When they where younger and where still on the island, Alex was adopted by other people, James was left alone and was not adopted. Instead of someone leaving, he left his brother-but it is understandable because, oh wait! I forgot!! Why won’t you read the book? It’s good! Go ahead and check it out!- after that  he had many good events. 

 

Except the hurricane...

 

Death was everywhere, from flooding to starvation and to drowning. Hurricanes aren’t that big of a deal than tornados but the hurricane in Nevis lasted around a week and during all that time imagine all of the death caused by the hurricane, it must be huge. Hamilton had a rough time on Nevis.

 

Then he went to America.

 

He studied in King’s College (now known as Columbia) with help of Hercules Mulligan, during his early years on America he also met Burr. Both men where at their worst mental health after being orphans at such a young age, they might’ve struggled with college and taking care of themselves. This part of time wasn’t as bad as other times Alexander experienced when he was younger.

 

 Then here goes the war.

 

On these days, war doesn’t seem that big, it is one of the biggest threat to humaniity up to today and forward but war has become something so common even most nations can defeat many other countries. 

 

But,

 

there is one thing we kind of forgotten, the torment and the horror soldiers went through the war. For Hamilton, the war might’ve seen like the hurricane on Nevis, death all around. Many historians believed Hammilton had suicidal tendencies-as stated on my previous chapters- and of course we are not sure about that, let’s talk about that time when Alex had a talk with Washington when he was chosen for George Washington’s right hand man.

 Hamilton wanted to risk his life in war, he didn’t think about saving himself while he saved everyone else. This wasn’t a selfish act but more of like a devoting my life for others kind of thing. Hamilton WAS selfish at times but this was actually a good thing, but not for him.

Alexander did have Eliza with him whenever he needed a new fresh state of mind, but, imagine seeing blood and body less limbs. Having to see this much for around 3 years must be frightening for Alexander and his friends.

 

During war, he was kidnapped.

 

Hamilton IS a lucky guy, having to survive the torture and pain is tough and hard to forget. The poor man looked pale and so fragile when he was found, the courageous and strong willed boy that his friends remembered was gone and all they could see is pain and suffering inside the empty but alive body infront of them.

He had so much pain in just 20 years and torturing made him much worse. He couldn’t go back to war for months but he  was surprisingly chosen to lead a bettalion after he came back.

Washington was happy to see his boy happily leading a bettalion.

 

Happy.

 

 

But that happiness soon vanished from his face.

 

After he fought the war with his friends, a specific one passed away, as we all know it is John Laurens- AKA Hamilton’s closest and bestest friend he’s ever had. Hamilton loved Laurens, both in a love way and in a friends way. Losing him must’ve been hard for him after losing many more people from his life.

Now he feared that he’ll lose Eliza, Washington, Lafayette, Hercules and his newborn son.

 

Phillip.

 

As we all know, Hamilton had an affair with miss Maria Reynolds, this affair was the first most known sex scandal, Eliza must’ve been so ashamed and embarassed after being a wife to a cheating husband. Alex had far too much devastation he was even in the brink of a horrible depression and anxiety, now that he won’t be able to see his wife happy and that he can’t be president anymore he doesn’t know what to do to fix this. He had failed so many people and who’s next?

 

Of course,

 

it is Phillip.

 

Phillip was still on his pop’s side, he admired him he was the only person who forgave him.

But when that admiration went far, it got him killed. Because he loved Hamilton he’ll of course be bothered by any people being a dick on his dad, and George Eacker was that person, he was so annoyed with him he even challenged him on a duel. 

And once again.

 

 

He lost another loved one.

And he also lost another one of his children.

 

Luckily Eliza forgave him otherwise his mental health state might have worsen. 

 

 

Then suddenly he died in a duel.

The first question that came into my mind was:

“Wait... If he died in a duel, why did he decide to agree to duel Burr even though he knew what happened to his son? Did he not learn his lesson or what?”

 

And what I found out was that many historians believed that he decided to kill himself in the duel.

 

I just learned that life is a sucker.

:”(((