Signal Markers of Anal-Retentiveness in the Modern-Day Sentinel
(An Annotated Compendium)
by Dr. Blair Sandburg, Ph.D.
- Subject files his nails after trimming them.
- Enjoys puerile fart humor.
- Squeezes toothpaste from the bottom of the tube. (Who does that?)
- Gets grumpy if someone borrows his robe and returns it after their shower.
- Owns at least three dust-busters, one for upstairs and two for downstairs.
- Wears only white, all-cotton socks (and bleaches them if they get the tiniest bit pink because of some inexplicable laundry mix-up.)
- Refuses to engage in bowel movement if anyone else is present in apartment.
- Was a bed wetter as a small boy. [Subject's response: This is a lie.]
- Spends a little too much time cleaning his gun. (Overuse of gun oil possibly explains frequent "slippage.") [Subject: Bite me, Sandburg.]
- Will swipe your half-empty cup of coffee and dump it out to wash the cup, afterward asking speciously, "Oh, weren't you done with that?"
- Obsessively waxes and shines his vehicle, dubbed "Sweetheart." [Subject: You're just jealous.]
[Researcher: Wax this.]
[Subject: Thought that's what I did last night.]
- Really, really loves having his asshole played with. [Subject: Yep.]
- Won't do me bareback. [Subject: You have any idea how many blood transfusions I've had? I can't put you at risk, babe.]
- Won't say "I love you," unless he whispers it in the dark. [Subject: On paper then, I love you, you schmuck.]
[Researcher: Ditto. Sweetheart.]
- Three words: color-coded Tupperware [Subject: That's two words, Darwin. One's a compound.]
Researcher notes that Subject, a forty year-old white male with hypersensitivity, exhibits marked behaviors of anal-retentive syndrome. To wit: