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Daily Atrocities Perpetrated by Blair Sandburg

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Daily Atrocities Perpetrated by Blair Sandburg

(The Abridged List)

As Compiled and Edited by Det. James Ellison, C.P.D.

  1. Forgets his shoes in the entryway.
  2. Borrows my razor so I end up getting nicks.
  3. Mixes colors with the whites.
  4. Always leaves three (3) swampy, stinking towels on bathroom floor in the morning.
  5. Flushes toilet repeatedly at 9:59 p.m., "In order to make a point."
  6. Buys granola-ass "organic substitute" for Frosted Flakes. Claims it's "Just as good as that processed stuff." [Editor's Note: This is a lie.]
  7. Wears boots that leave black skid marks on hardwood floor.
  8. Squeezes toothpaste from the middle of the tube. Says it "Tastes better than squeezing from the end," which makes no goddamned sense.
  9. Two words: back rent.
  10. Slips seitan into stir-fry and thinks the Sentinel in the house won't fucking notice it's not real beef.
  11. Puts little notes in the memo lines of checks, e.g., "Dear Gas&Electric Monopoly, thank you for taking my hard-earned cash so your company can continue strip mining in the Appalachians." [Ed. Note: Try fitting that in the register.]
  12. Licks his lower lip repeatedly for no apparent reason, causing me to have uncomfortable reactions in the bullpen. (Corollary: stares at my crotch and raises his eyebrow so I'll know he's been doing it on purpose.)
  13. Makes us stay late in the office so he can finish his game of Free Cell.
  14. Refuses to settle for quickie by the door.
  15. Won't walk naked so I can watch his butt going from the shower to the bedroom.
  16. Wears too many layers so it takes too long to strip him for sex.
  17. Refuses to replace the cap on the lube.
  18. Always squirms so hard when I'm fucking him that I have to nail that tight ass down to the bed until he screams and comes and finally goes limp so I can settle down and do him properly.
  19. Catches me later when I'm on my belly and works his tongue up my ass even though he knows it'll make me come so hard I can't move afterward so I end up with spunk flaking all over my stomach the next morning which I don't need to tell you itches something fierce when you have sensitive skin.
  20. Makes me need him like I've never needed anybody.
  21. Tells me he loves me.
  22. Tells me he'll never leave me.
  23. Always kisses the side of my face just as I'm falling asleep.