Daily Atrocities Perpetrated by Blair Sandburg
(The Abridged List)
As Compiled and Edited by Det. James Ellison, C.P.D.
- Forgets his shoes in the entryway.
- Borrows my razor so I end up getting nicks.
- Mixes colors with the whites.
- Always leaves three (3) swampy, stinking towels on bathroom floor in the morning.
- Flushes toilet repeatedly at 9:59 p.m., "In order to make a point."
- Buys granola-ass "organic substitute" for Frosted Flakes. Claims it's "Just as good as that processed stuff." [Editor's Note: This is a lie.]
- Wears boots that leave black skid marks on hardwood floor.
- Squeezes toothpaste from the middle of the tube. Says it "Tastes better than squeezing from the end," which makes no goddamned sense.
- Two words: back rent.
- Slips seitan into stir-fry and thinks the Sentinel in the house won't fucking notice it's not real beef.
- Puts little notes in the memo lines of checks, e.g., "Dear Gas&Electric Monopoly, thank you for taking my hard-earned cash so your company can continue strip mining in the Appalachians." [Ed. Note: Try fitting that in the register.]
- Licks his lower lip repeatedly for no apparent reason, causing me to have uncomfortable reactions in the bullpen. (Corollary: stares at my crotch and raises his eyebrow so I'll know he's been doing it on purpose.)
- Makes us stay late in the office so he can finish his game of Free Cell.
- Refuses to settle for quickie by the door.
- Won't walk naked so I can watch his butt going from the shower to the bedroom.
- Wears too many layers so it takes too long to strip him for sex.
- Refuses to replace the cap on the lube.
- Always squirms so hard when I'm fucking him that I have to nail that tight ass down to the bed until he screams and comes and finally goes limp so I can settle down and do him properly.
- Catches me later when I'm on my belly and works his tongue up my ass even though he knows it'll make me come so hard I can't move afterward so I end up with spunk flaking all over my stomach the next morning which I don't need to tell you itches something fierce when you have sensitive skin.
- Makes me need him like I've never needed anybody.
- Tells me he loves me.
- Tells me he'll never leave me.
- Always kisses the side of my face just as I'm falling asleep.