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When We Mourn the Wild

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When you feel the ribs vibrate with each beat

Playing from the radio

Blood red heart up in the face and a mind between dreams


You rest your head on the window and telephone lines dip to lift time

       -Up and Down


And then there’s a soft texture of sitting on the bed,

Body curled into your mom’s body, warmth radiating as would a cat to her kits

The book is open, fantastical images of I spy

And her voice rumbles into your body and you stay in that frame


Sometimes I wish for something soothing, for those dreamlike memories

Kind of like when eyes go a bit lazy and can’t focus on anything particular


Sometimes i mourn for the unknown, and,

Crying seems right


All i know is right now

Since the future

is unbearable to think about

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My room is bathed in blue dawn

Grey light in the Spring Air

Sea breeze at my window


And my body is a hollow existence

A swallowed heart

With tender flora in lungs


I Know that my high hopes are

Kept small


Let the sun warm a drowned soul

And calm my senses


je suis chagrin


I’ll be ok I’ll be ok


“Ça va”

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Stay stay stay

The stars and warm midnight


And It’s sad how everything is just

A little fuzzy


Tossing pennies into the ocean


And a heart laced in metal


Deer eyes in my mind

I’m left crying for a week


Sunrise spilling color

Into California blood


I can’t make myself stay stay stay


Blue as the solstice

Cracked ribs Drown in turpentine


Fly fly fly

My feelings disappear in clouded breaths

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At hairline’s edge is spoken vibrations

Starlight in a slanted mouth


I’ll settle I’ll settle

Tie up your thoughts


My hands wrap around your throat

Thumbs at a soft pulse


I’m up all night in love with a



Lazy stretch of skin

Skin and bone


And I’ll croon a story of how


I carve my dreams

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I always think about how to die

But then I remember,


I am already



I do not let myself feel anything except for





If I had it my way

I would sleep and never wake up


It would be perfect


And no one would be the wiser





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The stars have settled into my stomach


I need to sleep forever

Where I dream of living in a celestial body


And instead

Burn my eyes out every night

Forcing the universe out of my mind


Forget that flowers bloom in my



All I know about nighttime

Is to curl up into a ball


And hope that the silver light

Stays forever

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I want to tear my skin inside out

So that my dead soul






I am a flighty bird full of



Feverish from dry-heaving crying

And nothing changes

From tears


Punishing myself for every breath I’ve taken

I am unnecessary


I am silent


I am tired

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Thin shadows stretching my dull mind

Head down down down


One step two step three step


Set a tempo to my thoughts

I focus on my feet


Take the path of least resistance


No harm harm harm


Just a ball of sorrow wrapped in blankets

Good night moon


I’ll make sure my love is infinite

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#the eyes do not know you #they are a vast pool of obsidian #reaching into the depths of your soul #you see my universe but I do not see yours #and I can't help #but get entangled with every neurone #just breathe and you will be okay for a nano second #go on #spill your blood #and I shall spill mine

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#oh how the stars caress the soul #when no one is there to dry your tears #and time arcs into a soft dawn #and the forest breathes with your blooming lungs #until then #may the silent night hold you alive

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I’m a ghost and you all know it

  1. has no sense of time
  2. sleeps all the time
  3. cries a lot

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A soft “how are you”


And then I’m gone


I’m always sleeping

Always starving


I’m so closed up

Yet so open






For fear that I don’t deserve help


That I’m asking too much


I bundle things up

And become a powder keg




I’m selfish

just for writing this nonsense

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When the ribs contract


The sorrow aches to burst out

It’s painful


Black hiccups


Flowers have yet to bloom from my being


But one day it will


But for now


Let sadness run its course

Till’ dawn

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The heart that is self sustaining is now drowning in its own creation;

gripped by the vice of its host

And the brain self-destructs

And I am now star dust

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In lighter moments

When I’m not drowning
I notice

The way the morning light spills onto my bed

Or how the fog clings to the tree line

The wet air in my lungs

The smell of redwood

How people’s lips move
When my shell has opened up

there is comfort in knowing what
You are saying without sound

Those are the best moments
Because I know your speech

second nature to rephrase and repeat

…and I like that freedom

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I always have cold hands and feet


But some days my entire being is frozen

With a deep melancholy


The kind felt when

The mind is a




“Just one more year”

I tell myself


And I smother myself with

Hopelessness that I’m unworthy


Unworthy of life


Of my thoughts and contribution

To the air I breathe


Turning gold into lead

That’s what I’m best at


Late during witching hour


Behold! the vena cava


Thwarted once again


I’m done for now.

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I’m too exhausted to know

My own desires


Hello my love

Let me dry your tears say the constellation above


I croon to myself

Digging deeper and deeper into the earth


Till the celestial bodies envelop me

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I’m tired

I’m tired

I’m tired

My body says


I disappear in my room

Toes cold


Unbridled nausea

Slow crack of ribs


Cat naps

lifetime of sleep


And now i will curl away

And feel my heartbeat sleep

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Careful measured steps

Careful measured steps


A line so delicate


Out of control so easily with one misstep.


Too many missteps


Must avoid at all costs




Calm calm calm calm


Burst at seams with unbidden thoughts


Lump at back of throat





Head screams


Haven’t allowed self in long time


To tell what?


All words not spoken


To scream, rage, scathe.


If i allowed self


I would be scared of self


A self so full of emotions


Careful measured steps

Careful measured steps


Calm calm calm calm




Lump at back of throat

Cries in midnight black

Blank walls

Blank face


Cannot fix things

inequitable to fix things




Balance of scales tipped


No more


Self tied to people that i


Give give give give give give give

All the time

Give give give give give give give


Lump at back of throat


One slip up






Careful measured steps

Careful measured steps


A line so delicate


Out of control so easily with one mistep.



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I don’t know what I’m grieving for


It’s an ugly sort of sadness

Wet face and all, dry heaving


Firefly souls jarred up

And I forgive them


Forgive forgive forgive forgive


And the hour hand reminds me

Time is up time is up time is up


Should’ve been long dead by now huh?


But I’m not.


Warm meat still beats and beats asking

Why grieve?


My own damn voice is scared of the future

And for a lost past


And it’s very easy




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Last fall,

I spent my birthday alone and suicidal


I had stopped eating

Hoping that I would quietly disappear from people’s lives


No contact on my phone

I had not left my dorm in two weeks


I spent my time crying or sleeping

And my nights killing my soul


It was fierce

Every vein was tired


Even my heart was tired


Neutrons dropping piece by piece

Neurones pealing away and away

Till I was left with a curled up spine


For days on end when I got home


I was a ghost

A stranger to myself

Packed up my mind and left for a vacation

Away from white static


I read Wild that year

And I cried for hours afterwards

Because I hurt so much

And needed meaning


MDD needs maintenance

I found out

Left unmanaged it grows into a leech

And then you’re trying to deal with a sucking wound


There was a lot more clarity

When I adopted a kitten




A routine given to me by a mere


7 week old


Each day when I’d clean his litter

I’d hold up the trash bag to show

And tell him:

“That’s your shit”


And in a funny way- I was throwing out

my own shit


And all Neville would respond with is a peep

and play with a string


In hindsight

A lot of poop could have been avoided

If I’d just told someone how shitty my brain was being


But things are getting better


I’m still highly unsure of my future

But I’m certain of the present


But there’s still a lot of poop to be dealt with


And now a devil nugget that I love very much

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When you fall for nostalgia

That perfection behind corpus callosum


Blind lateralisation

Blood under fingernails


When does the heart reach

Full gestation?


Maybe I’ll find it in

The full bloom

Of a sunflower?


Cracked orange pumpkins

On the sidewalk


I pass by


And I think about how


I’ve been carved out too much


But the difference is

I willingly did that to myself


But I suppose….


I’ll carve a masterpiece now

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I wish I had a tidal moon chart

For my ebbing emotions


Or maybe that daytime existed 24/7

For my mind doesn’t desire sleep

I distract my thoughts

And stay late into the dawn


When the tired light floats into

The room


I sleep at last

Vivid dreams spurring life


And this horrible cycle continues on


Let the starfish rest elsewhere rather than my cranium


Dear friend,

are you out to swim with me?


Jar up this early light

for me then-


And wherever you go


You’ll have joy.

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Archaic genius

Glacial youth


Tell me what you mean

Scrawled words on a desk

“Your heart is the harshest”

All in a silver lining


Glass hearts

Sparrows dart

Round and round you go, like


Fan whirring in slow motion


Lazy summer days-

Memories or daydreams?


Lets draw a constellation

Where you jump from

Life to life




How are you?


What did you mean?

Did you mean







“Here is the start

And here is the end”


Says the ghost of the raven


Take a step backwards into the

Babbling brooks of childhood


And you’ll find that everything about life


Is found




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Slanted body and world

In a film noir





How melancholy grips my ribs


How Id love


Give in


It’s so easy to think at 3am

With acrid elements


I just need to rest my lungs

Share it with some flowers 

Growing in a kind soul’s bronchi


My worries are simplistic

For i spread them far and wide



Sea of dreams



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Here no one sleeps

Midnight classic


Swallow my heart whole 

Reach into Mercury 

To grasp my face


Jagged life aren’t i?


Oh my love says myself

Palm catches words 

Along a sad jawline






Hey, chin up life


I hope I am fine today


Let me hear your marrow for once,


And perhaps you will stop the raven from lapping up the universe 

that flows through my veins

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Now this is a story of how life gets flipped upside down

but this is not about

how you can become the prince of Bel-air

it’s about how there are people 

who don’t have a voice


For me, my friends, for stories that never

get voiced


A story of how

People stop you and pray

“May God cure your deafness”


where people are told that the devil

possesses their kid


Because the Pastor failed

to restore their HEARING


A story of how

People avoid that deaf kid


12 and tender

“You’re fucking stupid- you can’t sit here”


You are disease to humankind

smudged into the dirt of the soccer field 


A story of how

2007 phones now had cameras

Recorded humiliation

that gives me nightmares years later


A story of how

On a sunny day in the afternoon

I am there in the kitchen 

knife poised at the ready

to pluck out my heart 

like Little Jack Horner


And a prequel

of how I was pelted with pinecones


A story of how

A sensitive soul let them self be crushed by the universe


A story for a young girl

who was shamed into silence


slandered with no choice

tabloid paparazzi

Ganesh did not give us an obstacle-

Ganesh cursed you

with a deaf daughter


A story of how

My parents were told

“give up”


“bice” (rice)  “up”




A story of how

Each and everyone of us cried at a panel

How we got out of our chairs

linked hands forming into a huddled spiral


how we traded one life story for another life story


A story of how 

The ADA lies

loopholes districts and businesses jump through


how a person had to fight for CC

in Rhode Island




how someone sued their school district

for denying accommodations


The sole reason?


“This student gets good grades”


A story of how

Your intelligence is proof of being

a liar


You’re accepted as deaf


you pass as hearing


The fuck kind of privilege

is that?

I hate that


A story of how 

People underestimate your potential

“We don’t recommend honors courses”

I’m deaf, not dumb


the author would like to note that the above phrase is overused


A story for how 

People who sign, can still have no voice

People who are oral, can still have no voice

Silent battle for the decades

history sleeps for the signing history


A story for

A story for

A story for

A story for

A story for

A story for

A story for


A story of how 

There is no ending


This is a story with no ending


An epilogue from the author:









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Blood of the young 

And a grey sky of the sun yet to rise


You’ve held yourself so strongly 

That it’s hard for you to let go


You can’t function without the fight or flight response


Wouldn’t it be easier

If someone held you firmly enough 

That even if you fell apart 

You still remain in one piece?


And then you fight bloody instincts 

the naked want to tear her face off


For using you

And having the audacity to walk away like they’re the victim


And i have to start all over


Build my life again


Because you made me your only world 

And restricted my world to a singularity


And everything spiralled out of control 

Feeding each other’s bad habits 


And we couldn’t separate where we began

And where we ended


We were one entity


We were merciless and parasitic


Ending charades was the solution


But you’ve moved on like nothing happened



If I see you again 

Fuck you


That’s ten years of my life 

Only having you in my life 

Unable to have a life of my own


I want to sink my nails into your face 

Let you feel my pain 

That I could never show 

Because you were a ticking time bomb 

Well guess what


My powder-keg has reached a limit


I hate how you never bothered to even learn the ASL alphabet 

I hate how you never uttered my name 

I hate how you avoided using any pronouns at all for me 

Even when I told you I wanted to be referred with “he/him”

I hate how callous you were when I was struggling to get my first binder 

I hate how your insecurities fueled 

My eating habits 

For years I skipped lunch 

And when I got to university 

The stress of taking care of your life 

And being the second therapist to the actual therapist you paid to see 

I fucking starved myself 

If you had a good day 

I got to eat a granola bar




It is so hard 

To remind myself to eat 

Because I will easily go a day 

Without food 

And not feel the hunger


I have days where I don’t hurt any more 

I have days where I do hurt


I’m happier than I’ve ever been in a long time though


You owe me your life 

But it’s retribution I won’t get


So good riddance 

I’m sorry that this ever happened


So I’ll move on 

And lay these feelings to rest

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God, when you mourn for something 

That kind of overwhelming grief that-

Despite everything

Has no rhyme or reason 

You get the highest of highs

And the lowest of lows


Quiet nights spent wishing that you aren’t a fool

Giving so much of your soul away to a person

Who never did appreciate it 

I was a dead man crawling through shadows of doubt

In the hopes that I would reach somewhere safe

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Why not bury my own dead flesh

Asks the mask


surpassing Icarus 

Who'd care to know that I would one day be gone?


I could not truly disappear 

From myself, my life, and the people who knew


Or didn’t know me


So I stripped myself down unsure 


72 pounds




It was the closest I got to being absent


65 pounds

“I’m okay, I will be okay” are my tentative words

hips that jut All raw tears 


Untangle this mess

Where to begin?


Treat myself gently 

Let myself feel deeply


Was I thriving?


Chasing down whatever could provide clarity

filling my cup 

with absent love


Just start

And keep going


Or else itll be-

Before i can reach myself




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Unable to sleep knowing that daylight is violent,

Revelation waits with sharp teeth

The wild will go on


I offer up the plot of my life under the harvest moon 

She will carry me away with the tides and release me from this realm

I drowned in the stars waiting for the end


Smoke burning the eyes

Laboring to birth purpose


Wet in the menstrual blood

Teeth bared on iron


Drink the blood of your enemies they say


over the game of Corpus Luteum