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"Come on, Balthabagellllll." Balthazar's friend Mary tugged on his arm. "It'll be fun. I can't go by myself, Balthazar. Pleaseeeee."
"For fuck's sake." Balthazar rolled his eyes in frustration. "Fine."
Mary smiled, excitement gleaming in her eyes. The smile falling, she looked up at the clock. 4:30. "Shit." she blurted out. "Gotta get there in 30."
Balthazar twisted the situation in his favor. "You mean we can't go? Well that's a damn shame."
"No." Mary firmly grabbed Balthazar's arm. "We'll make it."
That they did. The two walked through the doors to the large, bright stadium at 4:56, and Mary dragged Balthazar hurriedly to their plush red seats about four rows back from the stage. She smiled broadly as the ever stunning Bageline Dion strutted across the stage, greeted by applause from all around. Dion flashed a glistening white smile.
"Fuck you, Mary." Balthazar sighed. "Fuck you."
Next to him, Mary erupted into hearty laughter. "You'll have fun."
"No, I really don't think I will. I don't want to watch this bitch strut around wailing and flipping her hair."
Mary nudged Balthazar's shoulder with a smile, still laughing. "You're welcome."
Balthazar hit her forehead. He tried to be playful, but he hit her a little harder than he'd intended, sending her flying back into the seat. "Fuck." she said, rubbing the back of her head. This time Balthazar erupted in laughter, his more full and deep than hers.
"Fuck you." She continued rubbing the back of her head as Bageline began angstily wailing, as Balthazar described it, her hit from Titanic, My Bagel Will Go On.
"Nononononononononono," Balthazar whined. He turned to Mary. "I hate you. I hate you so much." She began laughing again, completely forgetting about the throbbing inthe back of her head. Balthazar looked up at Dion. "HEY, BAGELINE. SUCK MY DICK. FUCK YOU. YOU SUCK. SORRY NOT SORRY."
Mary couldn't control her laughter, especially not when Dion came to their row, trying too hard to be seductive, and pulled Balthazar behind the curtains of the stage personally.
"Hey, hot shot." She smirked. "I love you, too."
"Delusional and annoying. Well, aren't you the full package?" Balthazar teased. Bageline was more than annoyances and delusions, and when he was this close, he could tell. Her eyes sparkled even in the dim lighting.
"Cute," she flirted. What? He was kind of attractive - even if he did manage to embarrass her in front of her audience. She ran a doughy finger down his face.
In a blink of an eye, Balthazar and Bagelin had their clothes off. In fact, the audience was well aware, as Bageline managed to throw her lacy panties onto the stage outside. Bageline moaned with pleasure as Balthazar rubbed where her nipples would be if she wasn't a fucking bagel.
"We could so have sex right now." Balthazar cooed.
"Yeah. But you don't have a dick, I don't have a vag. We're baked goods. The most we can do is rub each others' toppings off." sighed Bageline.
"Works for me." Balthazar shrugged.
"Yeah, well I'm a plain bagel. So are you. Nothing on top to rub off."
"False," exclaimed Balthazar. "I'm poppy seed. I have flavor," he rubbed all over himself. "but it's inside."
"Cute." repeated Bageline.
This was as close to sex as bagels could get, but the pair loved it. In fact, they'd go on to get pretty close. And at the pair's bagel marriage day, Mary whispered in Bobby's ear "Guess that concert was fun after all." Bobby exploded into laughter, occassionally wheezing. The bride and groom gave him a puzzled look, but ignored it nevertheless.
"Babe," began Bageline.
"Yes?" responded her now husband.
"Let's go behind these drapes for a little while."
"With pleasure."

THE END