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First And Last

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FIRST AND LAST

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“Act as if it’s an orgy,” they’re told. It’s shocking at first, thinking of such intimacy. “Do whatever you have the courage to do, whatever you can get away with, and fans will love it. And if you get out of hand, one of the others must stop you. I repeat, you have to stop each other.”

Those were the instructions for how to act on camera. Since then, they’ve gotten used to the cameras almost always being on.

It was hard to adjust at first, especially with some of them being so young. But the paper-passing, and post-it note, and pocky, and every other sort of kissing games were never-ending. And the couches were always too small and there were rarely 7 chairs, even though it was plainly written in their group name: GOT7. There were 7 of them. Never mind their dignity though. They were idols now. Suck it up and do it. It won’t kill you. In fact, it’ll make you famous.

The first time Jinyoung kissed a boy was an accident, and it was bound to happen because it wasn’t the first such accident their group had had. Jinyoung kissed BamBam. There’s video evidence of the paper falling away from between them and their lips touching for a slip second. And that moment changed his life. Even though they only had a moment to flinch and wipe hurriedly at their mouths because, ew they touched another boy, before the game continued and in the next moment their lips were connected again just with a piece of paper between them this time. Yup, the show must go on. At the end of it, there’s also evidence of some awkward and shy looks from the both of them. It felt so wrong at the time. Gross. Dirty. Questioning if he even wanted to do this idol thing if this was the humiliation he had to go through. Sweating his bag off daily in training and constant muscle aches is more pleasant than the stupid kissing games.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger though. Or so they say. Even though Jinyoung has sometimes felt heart palpitations he could swear were an on-coming heart-attack due to all the fanservice they put out. And some of it from what was directed at him, or rather what he witnessed. Most notoriously, when he watched BamBam; who was a masterful dancer, but on camera was stuck doing the most sexual girl-group dances he’d ever seen; and who took every opportunity to imply he was sexuality active; and worst of all, who sometimes made the noises to accompany his fake sexuality, which sounded whorish at best, but always an assault to the ears. Jinyoung couldn’t take him. Watching him sometimes sat so heavily on his nerves, it felt like an anvil crushing the wind from his lungs.

Jinyoung doesn’t yet know how big of a problem he has, but he will.

It doesn’t help that Jackson is the loudest, craziest, most touchy-feely person on the planet. And he’s pretty sure he’s not faking it most of the time, so it’s gotten everyone way too used to being the same way. Yugyeom is the one they count on to be way too bold that shows become R-rated and then they can wrap it up. BamBam is the one that’s sexiest when he’s not trying, even though he puts on a great show, and lord-help-the-boy when he opens his mouth and says too much. He’s everyone’s weakness. Mark is the type that does his job like a surgeon: in and out with precision. Perfection to the point you can’t even tell he’s faking it. While Jaebum is there to encourage it all, with Youngjae as the cheerleader. Not to say that they don’t have their own charms. Oh no, no. Jaebum’s sex dances are infrequent but look like freaking Chippendales. Needless to say, all of it, put together, for so many years now, has gotten Jinyoung way too used to touching and feeling and holding and cuddling and crawling over and kissing men. He can’t stress this enough: way too. It’s not normal. It’s flying at him from all directions daily. And still, after all these years, his eyes always land on BamBam. His first. But it’s not just the fact that BamBam was his first, it’s that BamBam is way too sexy these days. It’s oozing from the boy’s pores like pheromones every time Jinyoung so much as thinks about the lanky Thai boy. He can’t even bloody think about him without biting his lip these days.

Jinyoung was also BamBam’s first, but Jinyoung is sure he doesn’t put this kind of pressure on his members, the way Bam does. For christsake, even his name is a euphemism for sex. Since puberty, BamBam has grown to be the slimmest of them, who wears the tightest clothing, who wears the most fuck-me chokers, who does his eye makeup to look the most slutty, whose lipstick always looks the poutiest, who makes the most obscene noises when he spreads his legs, who spreads his legs too often, who body-rolls too often, whose hand brushes over his crotch too often, who swings his hips better than any girl on Earth, who seems to spare no opportunities to allude to his sexuality and escapades. It makes Jinyoung nearly hyperventilate thinking about him. Especially what comes out of his potty-mouth, that now knows too many languages, and who uses expletives in all of them. As noted, part of what BamBam says too candidly on-screen implies off-screen sexual encounters, of which Jinyoung knows bits and pieces, but everything makes him want to know more. He’s never actually seen BamBam with a lover, but that only heightens the mystery.

The thing about getting comfortable with fanservice is you start forgetting what the line between normal skinship and abnormal skinship looks like. Sometimes Jinyoung thinks back to himself when he was in school and how he would interact with his classmates, or he imagines normal salarymen living their lives in their cubicles, and realizes how far away from that normal he acts on an everyday basis. Add to that a no-dating rule and crazy fans at every turn, and while all 7 boys are straight, the concept of girls and dating girls becomes a distant fairytale one only dreams of. Their reality is each other. And most acutely, for Jinyoung it’s BamBam.

Of the many examples Jinyoung has encountered over the years, these are some that he can recount now. Such as:

One time, he and BamBam are crammed onto a bench, with a microphone to share for this interview. With Jackson on one side and Mark on the other, the two competing for screentime. Mark more subtly than Jackson, who doesn’t understand that word. The point to the story is that Jinyoung has put an arm around BamBam and allows himself to stare at the other boy leisurely since Jackson is doing all the talking. He’s got one arm around him and when Yugyeom shoves in from the very end, he’s forced to pull BamBam’s legs into his lap so they can all fit. BamBam curls into his body, rubbing his cheek into his chest, just enough to be adorable on camera but not enough to smudge his perfect makeup. Jinyoung can feel his breath through the material when BamBam turns his head. It’s hot on his nipple and the sensation, as well as him thinking about it, has him sporting a sizable erection by the end of the interview. BamBam hasn’t climbed off when the camera turns off, as he’s still playing with Jinyoung’s nape, massaging the skin there. When things feel calmer, BamBam asks if he feels alright. Jinyoung replies yes, and he’s sure that BamBam only asked because he could feel his erection. They had been on each other’s lap for over half an hour.

Another time, Jackson is passing slips of paper to him with this mouth in the stupidest and therefore most common way: at an impractical angle where they all crane their necks to some degree and hold another’s face still so they can suck face. Jinyoung has already kissed Jaebum by accident once today, for which the leader had feigned a complaint and they switched places. Now he is passing papers to BamBam. He places a hand to his jaw everytime, like a lover would, and angles his face the way real kisses happen. The paper is so thin today that there’s almost no pretending. He can feel the lips on the other side. BamBam laughs at one point and the paper goes flying and he doesn’t even bother to stop their lips from landing together. BamBam covers his face afterwards, as does Jinyoung, but when he recovers he’s laughing and Jinyoung can tell the bashfulness is fake for BamBam as well. BamBam’s been kissed too many times to still be a blushing virgin. But it’s still cute when he acts like it.

There have been ample times when BamBam spends the entire day after taking a shower in just his towel, after dripping all over their apartment and Jaebum yelling at him for it. Once, his hair dried in a horrible cowlick from resting his wet hair on Jinyoung’s lap on the couch in front of the television. Another time, he’d sat with his legs open for hours, completely uncaring of the fact that he was flashing half the members on the other side of the room. This time, he’s doing either better or worse depending on one’s perspective. On one hand, BamBam is drying himself instead of dripping everywhere. On the other, he’s doing it with the bathroom door open to let the shower steam out and he’s butt-naked in front of the mirror, drying his hair while chatting to Yugyeom. Mark walks by and slaps his ass on the way to the kitchen. Jinyoung wipes a frustrated hand over his own face. He’s on his bed, facing the open door that’s opposite the bathroom and his cock is stirring from watching this action for so long. When BamBam finally wraps a towel around his waist, Jackson walks by, also on the way to the kitchen, and whips it off of him—steals it, to be more exact, and BamBam barely flinches. So he just continues his talk with Yugyeom as if nothing has happened and Jinyoung is back to staring at BamBam’s completely naked body. It’s too much for the erection he has trapped under his laptop.

You may think BamBam is the only one who gets naked too often, but you would be wrong. It’s actually a habit that he’s picked up from Jackson—everyone’s favorite walking bad-habit—who also seems to have no shame, and who seems allergic to shirts. For example, in the dance practice room, it’s a normal day when half their group is shirtless, and normal again for BamBam to have his body wrapped around Jackson, pulling one leg up to try and help him stretch his splits. The move looks like a sex act. There’s no other way to look at it. Jinyoung feels his stomach lurch up into his esophagus when they switch positions and it’s now two of them with their hands on BamBam’s body. Thank god Jinyoung wears baggy sweatpants, because he’ll be hard for the rest of practice.

The habit of going shirtless doesn’t stop there. Jaebum has recently stopped caring to wear shirts also. He cooks shirtless half the time these days, and then spoon-feeds Jinyoung his latest recipe. Jinyoung doesn’t even scoff. He opens his mouth like a good little boy and accepts the food, and then they both go, “Oh my god...” And, “I know, right?” And then the next member who eats off the same spoon goes, “So good~.” And it sounds like a freaking orgy in their kitchen.

Speaking of food, Jaebum once dripped tomato sauce on Mark’s thigh and Jackson leaned over to lick the spot off. Licking food off each other also seems to have become commonplace. Jinyoung tries it one time: licks the side of Mark’s face, and the only one who comments is BamBam who says, “You’ll help me out next time too, right?” And then laughs like a hyena.

BamBam’s next time comes after Youngjae has stolen half his ice-cream cone in one bite and then Yugyeom shoves the rest into his face so that melting vanilla cream is dripping from BamBam’s chin and there are no napkins in sight. Jinyoung happens to have his own ice-cream cone, but instead of licking that, he pulls BamBam’s face to him and licks multiple times over the other boy’s face until he’s clean. “Thank you,” he says, and in reply to the others, “See? You jerks. At least someone knows how to be nice. I deserve a massage for what you’ve done to me.” Mark gives him a pat to the head telling him he’ll be fine.

One day, Jinyoung wakes up to BamBam sleeping in his bed beside him and he has no idea why. No recollection whatsoever. Some drinking may have been at fault. Either way, he smiles and draws him closer, pulling the blankets up over them a little bit better and then falls asleep again. Next time he wakes up, BamBam is snoring into his ear with one leg between his legs and Jinyoung has the courtesy to move him away from his morning wood, but not so courteous as to move either of them out of bed. He stares at the ceiling and this time he can’t fall back asleep even though BamBam is no longer snoring. He’s curled himself around one of Jinyoung’s arms and Jinyoung allows it. If he were to move this time, he knows he would wake the other boy, but of course he doesn’t, because it’s nice to see him sleeping peacefully, like a little angel, instead of bursting with energy and sexuality. BamBam is cutest and sexiest and most attractive when he’s not trying. And at such a close proximity, Jinyoung can say with certainty he would love to wake up to this image more often.

A month later, in the middle of winter, the heater breaks in their apartment. Mark and Jackson vacate the coldest room, but because of it everyone’s sleeping arrangements change for a month. Yes, because a freaking month is how long it takes someone to fix it. Jaebum is so cross, he’s googled how to fix it himself multiple times, only to ram head-first into the stubbornness of bureaucracy: he doesn’t have access to the building utility room because the superintendent, who he’s called several times—in addition to management—won’t allow anyone who’s not a professional to enter. Being a K-pop idol who can use power-tools didn’t qualify any of them to fix the heater themselves. So yeah, a month where BamBam slept in Jinyoung’s bed. At first he was sleeping with Yugyeom as usual on the floor, but after complaining that it was too hard and his back hurt, Jinyoung let him share his bed. By the end of the month, none of them sleep on floors or take any more turns with beds anymore. They just pile in together wherever they land and in the morning arms and legs and probably some drool on the pillow would be mixed and at least no one wakes up cold with a stiff back from the stupid broken heater or stupid hard floor. Jinyoung is pretty ok with the sleeping arrangements. Not only is BamBam the skinniest of the boys, which means they have the most room in bed, but it’s also BamBam, who he can’t deny he has a soft-spot for.

One of these days however, Jinyoung wakes up to BamBam’s morning wood pressed against his thigh, his body under the covers clad only in boxer-briefs—because lord only knows where the pyjamas he’d fallen asleep in had disappeared to—and so much heat between them he understands why BamBam isn’t wearing more clothes in the dead of winter. The bigger issue still is that Jinyoung is now too aware of BamBam’s little-Bam resting on him. Their skin is practically glued together and if he were to try and move BamBam from this position he would surely wake him. This is worse than waking up with his own erection. Much worse, because it’s bringing Jinyoung sudden memories of the many times BamBam has spread his thighs in a girl-group dance, and the sound he makes when he does this one particular move he’s picturing in his mind’s eye this very moment. Jinyoung has seen them all, memorized them all, and he has favorites. Picturing a handful or more of BamBam’s deadly moves makes him instantly hard; he can’t help himself. In his defense, he reasons that this is the intended effect of why girl-group dances exist: to wet panties and grow boners. And from those thoughts, Jinyoung is now so hard he reaches a hand down to himself, down his own bare torso—because he’s only sleeping in sweatpants tonight—to his erection and he presses down. It’s meant to calm himself, tell himself to cool down because his friend is sleeping right beside him, draped half on top of him, but it does exactly the opposite. He hisses and turns it into a cough, hoping that none else in the room has heard him. Thankfully, no one else stirs, even though he can see three other colorful heads poking out from beneath thick blankets. “Fuck,” he swears under his breath. And presses down on his dick again. Mark’s current haircolor just reminded him of one BamBam had a few months ago when he body-rolled all over the floor at a fanmeeting. Sharing a bed now as that same boy, both with sizable arousals, is killing Jinyoung. The only thing on his mind is BamBam’s sex. If he were to turn just a few inches, after unsticking their sweaty skin, Jinyoung could have it pressed against his own. He’s no longer virtuous enough to just press down on himself. He shoves a hand down his pants, fists his member and tugs. He’s trying to keep his movements light, not be jerky about it, so he doesn’t wake anyone. Too soon he’s forgotten all about it and all he can feel is pleasure; his hand fapping away and the way BamBam lays over him. He’s not thinking anymore, just feeling: BamBam’s breath on his chest, the weight of the wood on his thigh, and even—he’s not sure which one of them is moving but BamBam is definitely rolling his hips ever so slightly into Jinyoung’s thigh. It must be a dream. It must be a dream. It must be a dream. And then he finishes in his pants. “Shit.” His eyes fly open when he realizes what he’s done and they connect with BamBam’s; the younger boy’s eyes are wide, and on the verge of laughter. They stare at each other as Jinyoung catches his breath. If BamBam had been awake for long it’s unmistakable what had just happened. Even if he’d woken this very moment, it’s impossible to not realize Jinyoung had just orgasmed. And yet, BamBam chooses to say nothing about it; even though he himself is still hard. Instead, he just unsticks himself and moves a few inches away, still with a smile on his face.

“Sorry, I was really cold last night,” BamBam says when he feels it’s safe to do so. “And so I kind of wrapped myself all around you because you were so hot.” With a cute and sincerely apologetic face, he plonks around, until he settles and is staring at the ceiling now. “You know, it’s actually hotter when we wear less clothes. Plus I stole Jaebum’s extra blanket, that too.” Jinyoung couldn’t agree more about it being hot, and though his mind is still frazzled, he’s sure that BamBam isn’t talking about what just happened. He’s only talking casually about why they’re stuck together: the temperature.

Two more in the room rustle to liveliness and their moment is over. He pecks BamBam on the forehead and thanks him, and hops away to the bathroom he desperately needs as quickly as possible, before anyone beats him to it. You know, to wash the jizz off his pants.

When the month of literal freezing hell is over, Jinyoung passes by BamBam and Yugyeom’s room one day and a few words happen to catch his ear. “Yeah, he was hard,” he hears BamBam say, and alarm floods through him instantly. Was he talking about that morning he’d jacked off right beside him? That’s the first thing that comes to his mind and once there, it paralyses him to the floor outside their youngests’ door, straining his ears for more. He can’t hear much except for the tone they’re using to chat. The two members inside sound cheerful and laughy and then he hears his name. He has no idea in what context, but it was definitely his name, “Jinyoung,” and it makes his heart plummet to his ankles, just barely holding on for dear life, so as to not leak out of his body, onto the floor and make a mess that Jaebum will yell at him for. He swallows deeply and feels conflicted. Would BamBam really talk and share something like that? He feels betrayed. That was a bit too private to share even with his best friend Yugyeom. That morning had been a mistake, Jinyoung swears. It was just a mistake. He didn’t mean to do it. He feels horrible about it—felt horrible about it. Now he feels mortified that not only did he do something so perverted, but that BamBam actually told someone else about it.

He has no time to ruminate further on his predicament because Jackson slaps a hand hard to his ass, suddenly, and asks, “Whatcha standing in the hallway for?” Jinyoung whips around so fast in his surprise that he nearly trips on his broken heart, laying shattered and bleeding on the floor. Of course, Jackson knows nothing, not yet, and Jinyoung feels tongue-tied. “Cat got your tongue?”

“Yeh—” The sound of his voice comes out like a squeak before Jinyoung clears his throat. “Ahem—yes.”

“Ah, well, that’s ok. Just as long as it doesn’t happen on camera, my fellow members are welcome to stare mindlessly down empty hallways as much as they please,” Jackson says cleverly. “Were you thinking about anything in particular?”

“Uh, yeah, I was.” Jinyoung doesn’t feel apt to say more and Jackson can tell. He’s attentive enough to know he’s stumbled on something private and he therefore tries to change the subject, the way he usually does, with a joke, to take Jinyoung’s thoughts away from his problems. Too bad it doesn’t go so well this time.

“Were you thinking about your new crush~?” Jackson laughs. Jinyoung frowns but Jackson continues, unknowingly stepping into hotter fire. “Is it me?”

“No.”

“Is it Jaebum?”

“No,” Jinyoung replies again, hoping this will stop soon, because Jackson is unnervingly close to the truth and Jinyoung was stupid enough to tangle himself in this conversation. He knows Jackson is only joking, but he chokes suddenly on his own tongue when Jackson practically sings:

“Are you in love with our little BamBammie~?”

Jackson laughs even more and smacks Jinyoung on the back to help his cough subside. Jackson actually doesn’t know anything, and this is all just a joke to him, but to Jinyoung it’s like a nightmare. “S—ss—stop,” he wheezes.

“Ah, don’t worry about it. Anyone who’s ever laid eyes on BamBam is in love with him. It’s inevitable. He’s like the perfect boyfriend,” Jackson shrugs and keeps talking, joking, digging Jinyoung’s grave only deeper. “He will go shopping with you and pick out amazing clothes, and his lips are plush like little clouds, and his voice will sweep away even the weariest of parents who upon meeting their precious daughter’s new idol BamBammie boyfriend will also fall in love with him, and then the grandparents will fall in love with him too, and then the nursing homes will all turn into IGOT7’s and—” Jinyoung hits him.

“Shut! UP!”

“Ow!—What’dyou—?!” Jackson pouts. Not really upset at being hit, but his voice goes up an octave.

“—I said shut up like a million times but you keep blabbering!” Jinyoung stares him down.

“Ugh, you’re no fun,” Jackson tsks and walks away to go bother Youngjae.

Too bad their scuffle has alerted BamBam and Yugyeom who seem to have nothing better to do today than engage in idle gossip. “What are you guys fighting about~?” Yugyeom asks with a girly lilt to his voice. Of course, he is also just kidding around. The cuteness lessons paid off tenfold on this one. He can turn it on and off like a pro these days, and when they’re on camera it’s a godsend, but right now it’s caught Jinyoung in a poor mood, and he doesn’t even look back at him. He can only look at the one next to him: BamBam, whose got his eyebrows raised and a dumb look on this face.

Jinyoung grabs his arm and pulls him into the other bedroom which is empty. “Wha—?” BamBam stumbles. Jinyoung even closes the door for privacy. Yugyeom not invited.

“Did you—” Jinyoung starts, and then stops. He doesn’t know how to phrase what he wants to ask and at the same time thinks he shouldn’t ask at all. He’s too wired right now to think logically. All he knows is that he’s fuming after all the imbeciles he’s just dealt with.

“Did I what?” BamBam asks. He’s much more composed. Calm even, and waits patiently.

“Um.” Maybe he shouldn’t ask. After all, he could be totally wrong about what he heard. Then again, maybe he should ask, just to make sure, to get ahead of the damage. So that his nightmare story doesn’t travel further than one other human beyond this room. He bites his lip and steels his courage. “Listen, what were you two talking about a few minutes ago? When you were in your room.”

“Me and Yugyeom?” Jinyoung nods. “Nothing important. Stupid stuff I’ve already forgotten about. Why?”

Jinyoung eyes him and comes closer. He says more quietly this time, “Um, it’s just I thought I heard something... uh, about someone being hard and then I swear I heard my name too.” BamBam frowns. “You didn’t— you—”

BamBam interrupts. “—I have no clue—” And then interrupts himself also. “Oh wait. I know. It was stupid. We were talking about this one time I swear that one J-something host on that song show—” As normal, BamBam didn’t remember the names of anything in his own story and expects others to remember for him, “—the one that wore those pants covered in daisies last month, and was sitting next to Taeyang, and I swear, when he came backstage after the broadcast—you remember we were up next—I swear, he was hard. Put daisy pants together with sitting beside the Taeyang who burns hotter than a flaming ball of himself, and you’ve got one horny TV host!” BamBam laughs. “That’s all. It was funny. Don’t you remember? You were there when it happened.”

“Oh,” Jinyoung says flatly. He does remember now. He’s acting like a selfish child instead of the elder and good example he should be to the younger. It only frustrates him more but he tries to keep his cool. This was obviously all his fault.

“So how did you get yourself mixed into that story?”

“You said my name, I swear you did.”

“Yeah, like, 5 minutes later. When we had moved on to talking about the new choreography you’ve been working on.” BamBam gives him a friendly non-judgmental smile, but adds, “How long were you standing outside our door for?”

Again, Jinyoung feels stupid and ashamed for having doubted his friend. “Never mind. I’m sorry I brought it up, ok?” He doesn’t wait for a reply, he just turns to leave.

In a moment plucked straight from a K-drama, BamBam blocks his exit and yells, “WAIT!”

Ok. So it isn’t actually as dramatic as that, like Jinyoung hears it. It’s just that BamBam’s normal and calm, “Wait,” is ringing in his ears and making him blush like a tomato.

“Bro. Did you think I was talking about something, uh, you know, something else that happened?” BamBam doesn’t want to say it in words, but he is spelling it out with the look on his face, so they both know they’re talking about that special steamy morning during frozen hell month, and Jinyoung has to actually cover his face in shame. Jinyoung only nods. “Are you dumb? I wouldn’t talk about something like that.”

“Oh. Oh, ok. Thank you. I knew that.” Jinyoung can’t be more awkward. He looks up, if only to see BamBam’s reaction even though their conversation is surely over now, but BamBam hasn’t moved yet. Instead he pushes him slightly farther into the room, so they’re not standing by the door and they can sit on Jaebum’s unnaturally tidy bed. His room is the cleanest, and it puts the rest to shame.

At first BamBam looks at him like a principal who’s been sent an unruly student to punish, but only seconds later, he’s softened. “Bro. It’s cool. Don’t worry about it, ok? If you’ve been worrying about it, you needn’t have.” He waits for Jinyoung to look back at him. “Ok?”

Jinyoung shakes his head though. “Thank you... but I still need to apologize for that morning and I never did. I must have been insane to do that. I’m really sorry. It was perverted and rude and—”

“—Oi. Give me a break. Are you stupid or something? Didn’t you feel my dick on you? I was fucking hard too. It happens in the morning. It’s normal.”

Jinyoung gulps uncomfortably at having BamBam be so vocal. He knows the boy is fearless when it comes to speaking his mind, or just about anything on his mind, but this is a bit much. “Yeah, thanks. You don’t need to bring it up.” Jinyoung stands but BamBam pulls him back down with a frown.

“What’s wrong with you? There’s something bothering you. Something else, I mean.”

“Don’t worry about it—”

“—Did I do something?”

“No,” Jinyoung rushes to say. It comes out too quickly and makes it sound like a lie. Which it partly is depending on how you think about it. He back-tracks and says, “Maybe, but it’s nothing. I shouldn’t bring it up.”

BamBam makes this worse by taking his hand, like a good supportive friend, because that’s what they all are and this is perfectly normal. But lately even such small things have started to nag at Jinyoung’s heart. He thinks too often about what normal is to other people, like schoolmates and salarymen. And while he’s thankful for his life instead of theirs, he wonders if he’ll be considered a freak once the Kpop machine finally spits him out. He’s been silent for too long thinking about it again. “Talk,” BamBam orders him.

“I don’t have anything to say. I’m sorry. Can we forget all this, please?”

“Why won’t you talk to me? Do you want Jaebum instead?” Want. What a funny word. No, he doesn’t want his best friend to come rescue him from his crush that’s asking too many questions. And he doesn’t want him in that other way either. He shakes his head. “So then just tell me. If it’s something to do with that morning, I already said it’s fine and I mean it. Don’t worry about it.”

Something inside him finally unhinges enough for Jinyoung to turn squarely and say, “No, it’s not fine. It’s not fine.” The younger boy can only stare stupefied, waiting for Jinyoung to vent, because he can feel it coming. Jinyoung is a little too good at holding in grievances, but once in a blue moon he yells. BamBam hopes he won’t yell. He hopes he hasn’t done anything so bad as to make Jinyoung that upset. He just waits though, silently, on pins and needles, the way he did when he was a trainee, to receive his punishment. Until finally Jinyoung speaks again. “Do you remember the first time we kissed?”

“Yeah, but the paper game doesn’t count as a kiss.” That’s what they always say to rationalize fanservice.

Jinyoung talks over the dismissal. “—It counted for me.”

“Really?” BamBam is curious. “Why?”

“Because I can’t stop thinking about you.” And at this, BamBam raises a skeptical eyebrow. “I’m serious.” He’s been wondering for months now if he can still call himself 100% straight if he clearly has a crush on BamBam. “I think I like you.”

“Like... like-like?”

Jinyoung nods.

BamBam isn’t having it. “Did Mark put you up to this? Is this a camera show?”

“No!” Jinyoung slams his fists onto his knees. “No. I like you. That’s what’s bothering me.”

“Ok, with all due respect, you can’t be serious. So what’s the trick? Is it Jackson? I’ll get him back so bad—”

“—It’s not a camera show. I’m being serious. I really like you. I’ve been feeling weird and crazy about you for years now. Longer than I’d care to admit.”

BamBam stops and thinks, tries to let it sink in. He even goes to the door to crack it open for a second and check that there isn’t a group of members playing this as a group prank. When he’s satisfied enough that Jinyoung’s confession is more likely true than isn’t, he sits back down beside him. “Listen, I’m not really good at feelings stuff. Even if everyone thinks I’m girly, I don’t do this kind of thing well.”

“You’re not girly. You just like fashion. And you happen to look good in it, unlike some of us and our fat thighs.”

“Jinyoung—never say that again. Not because you don’t have fat thighs, but because it just sounds... we’re men,” he ends. It’s the weirdest advice Jinyoung’s ever received. He’s not sure how to interpret it, but now isn’t the time for petty squabbles. “Anyway. I’m a man too. I don’t do talking stuff so well. Except when I say dumb shit. What I’m trying to say is that you better not be pranking me or I swear I’ll kill you.”

“Bam.” Jinyoung inhales sharply. He’s trying to stay calm now that they’re actually talking, but bloody hell. “I’m not pranking you. Please.”

“Right. Well, say I believe you then.”

“Then what?”

“I don’t know. What do you want me to say?”

Jinyoung wants to smash his head against a wall. If the greymatter leaks out and makes a mess, Jaebum will yell and then they can all get their minds off this even worse situation.

“I guess I want to know how you feel about that. So that we won’t be weird around each other now that I’ve said something so stupid.”

“If you like me-like me, I don’t think that’s stupid.”

“Ok. Then I promise I won’t jack off with you around anymore and now I’m happy you’re not mad at me, and I think this needs to be the end of this discussion. Yeah?”

“Wait. Jinyoung, jeez. You’re always so quick. ...I think, I think it’s not that bad being around you when weird stuff like that comes up. You’re not the only one who thinks they’re going insane from all the fanservice. We all are. Last year, Mark told me he literally has to turn away half the time we do shit and just not look. Yugyeom, who does the dirtiest shit—you know what I’m talking about—he told me too, it’s easier doing lewd things and not thinking about it than it is to watch a friend do it. It does something to you. Mentally. Like hormonally or something. That’s how people fall in love, by being close and intimate.” He watches to make sure Jinyoung is following along and Jinyoung can’t believe something intelligent is coming from BamBam’s mouth. “Speaking for myself, I love all you guys, like brothers, but I’ll admit: I’ve gotten hard dozens of times by watching y’all.”

“You have?”

“Yes, stupid. Haven’t you talked to any of the rest of us about this kind of thing all these years? Do you really keep everything that bottled up?”

“Well, no, I talk to Jaebum but not about... this.”

“Talk to Jackson. He’s the guru of every touchy-feely sexual thing you can think of. I’m pretty sure that’s the reason Mark no longer acts like a lonely puppy like he did back in training days. And notice Youngjae—”

“—Moving on...” Jinyoung prompts kindly.

“Right. I’m trying to say we’d have to be blind to not get hard around each other. They chose us because we’re all decently attractive and with every opportunity they try to make us even more attractive. ...Dude, I was in that military show last year and I did the dance for Something, and I swear half the dicks in that room went up. Normal men. Grown normal men. It freaked me out. I stayed up that night feeling like a freak and a god at the same time,” BamBam laughed. “It might not be normal, but that’s our job. Make dicks go up and pussies get wet. It’s like light porn. When you get over that, then you can move on.”

Light porn. The words ring in Jinyoung’s ears. He steers his brain into another direction. When he’s processed enough of BamBam’s pep-talk to reply, he still thinks it doesn’t sound exactly like what he’s been feeling. “I don’t think... uh, I think this might be something more.”

“You really think you have a crush on me?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Like for real?” Jinyoung nods, and BamBam shrugs. “Yeah, I guess. Go for it.” He closes his eyes, tilts his head up and waits.

“See, this is the kind of thing that gets to me. I feel like you shouldn’t have agreed to that so fast.”

BamBam blinks and scowls at him. “Do you want to kiss me or not? Now’s your chance. Unless you want me to turn you down, in which case I don’t know what you’re asking. Either way, I won’t die and my face won’t fall off from one kiss. You’ve learned that after all these years, haven’t you?”

“God, you talk so damn much.” Jinyoung huffs, and more to shut him up than anything else, he grabs BamBam’s face and kisses him. These lips somehow feel familiar, like all the rest of their members’, just because they play fanservice games too often, but also because Jinyoung can remember almost every time these particular ones have landed on his body. Though not often in a lip-lock, not like this one. But these are definitely BamBam’s lips, and he appreciates them very much. Enough to crawl closer, pull him closer by the nape of the neck, tilt their heads perfectly and you know, kiss. The way he did that week he had his only girlfriend in highschool, before she broke up with him. Before that, they had kissed, just like this. He pushes BamBam down onto the bed and crawls over him. Still their lips are connected, moving together, still Jinyoung feels in heaven. BamBam is a great kisser in Jinyoung’s opinion and he’s jealous to find out why suddenly.

BamBam breaks it off finally, pushes him up and says, “Ok, ok, don’t make this creepy now.”

Jinyoung retreats as he’s told. “Ok, you’re right.” He sneaks a look back at BamBam who’s got his fingertips against his lips and he looks a bit dazed. “I’m sorry. I went too far. Again.”

“Aiish. Don’t worry so much about that body-is-a-temple stuff. Maybe someone else cares but I don’t. I’m alive, I survived our first real kiss.” BamBam has the kick back in his step, and he’s smiling at Jinyoung as normal.

“Listen, thanks for putting up with me. But I’m gonna go now.” Jinyoung stands up and exits before BamBam can stop him again. BamBam doesn’t follow.

Maybe it was a few months later, maybe it was a couple months later—either way it was months and it was later—BamBam crawls into Jinyoung’s bed in the middle of the night and intentionally wakes him. They’re alone in the room tonight, so BamBam has even turned on a table lamp, and Jinyoung is curious what could have brought BamBam here at this time. Even with sleep in this eyes, Jinyoung can clearly see the shining red numbers that tell him they should all be sleeping right now, because tomorrow is a photoshoot and they’ll all have bags under their eyes if they don’t sleep, and the makeup artists will give them those pissy looks like when they don’t take care of their skin, and it means that they need to sleep instead of crawling into their friend’s bed to straddle him. Which BamBam has just done. He even pulls the covers up over them both and snuggles into Jinyoung’s body like a giant octo-teddybear.

“Uh... what are you doing? Can’t you sleep?”

“No.”

“So you’ve come to piss me off too then? BamBam, go to bed. Over there—” Jinyoung points a finger to the empty bed on the other side of the room, “—or back to your own bed, or beside me, I don’t care, just not on top of me, please. I’m still sore from when I fell on my back two days also.”

“Ah, bummer,” BamBam says but doesn’t get up from where he’s hugging Jinyoung’s body between his thighs. “I’m sorry you’re still sucky. You want a massage?”

They haven’t talked about their kiss since it happened, but suffice it to say, they weren’t acting weird about it so it was good enough. Jinyoung is unguarded either because he’s complacent from their latest talk or because he’s sleepy, but either way he accepts the offer. They shift and resettle with BamBam sitting on Jinyoung’s thighs, and Jinyoung flat on his front with his face in the pillow. BamBam starts with his shoulders, which are fine, but he appreciates the massage all the same. BamBam kneads his muscles and skin so slowly, with just the right pressure, that Jinyoung is near sleep again in no time.

He’s smacked back to life and he groans. “I didn’t fall asleep. I didn’t.”

“You totally did.”

“I’m sorry. Keep going. Get to my lumbar area, I’ve been so stiff.”

“Stiff, eh?”

“Don’t joke. The pain is real.”

“The pain is real,” BamBam jokes and laughs at his own joke. Not that it’s a good one. Jinyoung turns his head to scowl at him but BamBam pushes him back down. “Don’t be such a prude. I’m sitting on your ass practically. If you want a Thai massage, this is the closest you’ll get to it until our tour next season.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. Just don’t stop.”

“Don’t stop, eh?” BamBam jokes again and Jinyoung nearly throws him off. “Jeez, ok, ok! I’ll stop. Joking, I mean. God, you’re such a grandpa sometimes.”

Jinyoung huffs indignantly into his pillow and BamBam traverses his hands across Jinyoung’s back in quick chopping motions. “Oh g—g—god—d,” he groans a pleasured staccato reply due to the thumps on his back, and resolves to never say another adverse thing to BamBam, god of Thai massages, ever again.

When he least expects it, Jinyoung is assaulted with the question, “So how in love with me are you?”

“I’m not in love with you.”

“Right, you’ve only been dreaming and jacking it over me since we were barely debuted.” The sarcasm is palpable.

“Don’t say it like that, please,” Jinyoung whines pathetically. Normally he’d have said worse but he’s feeling too soft and limp right now to put up any fight. “I just like you.”

“And you want to kiss me.”

“And I want to kiss you.”

“And you jack off thinking of me.”

“And I jack off thinking of you.” Jinyoung confirms, still too boneless to berate BamBam for attacking him this way in the middle of the night. Truth be told, BamBam hadn’t quite understood why Jinyoung had made such a big deal of coming while being so close to him, but maybe this is why. Because he’d been thinking about BamBam? He’d surmised as much, but it hadn’t been clear before. He pauses his massage to wonder for a second how bad that is. What the consequences are. Seen in a logical third-party light, yeah, it was pretty bad. But even so, BamBam goes back to massaging his friend’s back, low on his back where he complained of pain, and decides he needs to make up his own mind, not based on others’ standards or opinions, about how he feels that Jinyoung apparently feels this way towards him. And did these... things.

The first reaction is still ew. That is, before he thinks about it a bit more and gets to the meh phase. Problem is he should be reaching deeper and not just meh. He feels a nagging in the back of his mind that says he should kiss Jinyoung again, and that it would help him figure this out. He doesn’t know how that’s supposed to help, it doesn’t seem logical at all, but he’s really tempted to kiss his friend right now. And as everyone knows, BamBam is a blithe, go-for-it type of guy.

“Listen, if you’re still awake...”

“I’m awake,” Jinyoung replies.

“Do you want to kiss me again?”

At this point in his life, because of the idol life, BamBam has kissed more guys than girls—not something he’s proud to admit—but Jinyoung’s kiss has been on his mind rather pressingly. Maybe they have a weird connection having been each others’ firsts, or maybe it’s something else. BamBam isn’t sure, but the more Jinyoung appears in his life, the more it bugs him. Plus one more thing: BamBam is horny. If you couldn’t bloody tell from interviews. Teenage hormones nowhere near worn off, he is still in need of relief and he’s getting tired of receiving it from his own hand. Hence the time Jinyoung had come, but BamBam had been humping his leg the whole time. If Jinyoung was guilty, BamBam wasn’t innocent.

Jinyoung flips over in bed and BamBam lets up to let him turn. “Do you want to kiss me? Why?”

BamBam groans. “Don’t ask stupid questions, just kiss me.” He settles flush atop Jinyoung’s body, and makes room for himself between the older boy’s thighs, until Jinyoung has no recourse but to accept the position and finally kiss him. It is actually BamBam that had leaned into Jinyoung’s space.

Almost a month later, Jinyoung has his face stuffed in a book he’s been dying to read, and yet his mind is a mile away. Three guesses where.

He’s thinking that he’s started something he regrets. Something like Pandora’s Box, that should never have been opened. Of all the opportunities their group has had over the years to get out of hand in this way, he feels ashamed that it was him that finally gave in. So as he sits with his book, he’s so angry at himself that he’s about to chuck it out a window. Because he’s kissed BamBam five times now. Too many times in one month. Not to mention that it was voluntary, and way more than a paper-kiss peck.

Jinyoung puts his book down. Then he picks it back up and groans in frustration. He wants to scream, but thank god he holds it in because that’s when three other members stroll past him, chatting casually and leave out the front door.

He wonders if he’s alone in the apartment now. So that he can scream to his heart’s content.

Not that he’d ever do that though. It’s times like this he hates himself for holding in all the feelings he should talk about or express. He’s beyond angry that he’s let his BamBam crush turn into something that’s more than the frivolous thoughts of a frustrated mind.

What’s worse is that BamBam doesn’t seem to mind being intimate with him. Now, Jinyoung isn’t delusional enough to think that BamBam would have real feelings for him. And he’s thankful for it. But it’s still frustrating because it’s testing the extent of his own feelings.

The answer to whether the GOT7 apartment is empty comes in the form of BamBam plonking himself down on the couch next to Jinyoung. “The rest of the guys left. Just us. Feel like doing anything?”

Jinyoung feels like someone slapped him out of a dream. He’d been so wrapped up in staring a hole into a page in his book that he hadn’t noticed BamBam’s presence until he’d been spoken to.

“Oh,” he says dumbly, and tries to calm down. And then thinks this might be the perfect time to talk about boundaries. Specifically how there should be a boundary between their lips and bodies that shouldn’t be broken outside of necessary fanservice. That their recent behavior is not healthy.

But BamBam beats him to starting a conversation.

“I’m starting to think we should have sex.”

Jinyoung was still staring forward before his mind catches up with what his friend just said. When the words hit him, he turns quick enough for whiplash.

“Jesus!” Jinyoung’s eyes bulge with shock. “How did you jump to such a remote conclusion?!” It’s outrageous. Preposterous. Impossible. Completely the opposite of what he wants. Crush or not.

But bloody hell, now it’s actually been said with words. Damn.

“I don’t know. Horny I guess,” BamBam shrugs. “It’d be nice to release some tension. Don’t straight guys get together when they’re in jail?”

“We’re not in jail.”

BamBam waves a dismissive hand. “Pssh. Same thing.”

“BamBam, no. ...Just, no.” Jinyoung turns away for a moment, but then can’t keep away and travels his eyes up BamBam’s body. The boy is wearing a gigantic but nearly transparent designer turtleneck, a pair of sweat-shorts, and house slippers. More specifically, he’s only half changed out of their promotion outfits from earlier today. He’s still sporting his eye makeup too, but his lipstick has been gone for hours. Jinyoung looks away again when he realizes he shouldn’t be looking at BamBam’s lips; it’s been leading to unnerving places lately.

“You’re no fun. I should just put the offer out to all our members and the least offended of them might take me up on it.”

“Jeez, Bam. Don’t do that. You’ll scar Youngjae for life if he hears. And you can’t fuck Yugyeom ‘cause—”

“—Ay! God. I wasn’t serious. Bloody hell, you fall for it fast. Nice to know where your concern lies though. Youngjae? Really? He’s not innocent.”

“Well, I like to think one of us is more innocent than the rest.”

BamBam eyes him for a second. “Is that supposed to mean something?”

“No.” And it’s true, but now that he’s said it, it feels like a lie. Jinyoung pinches the bridge of his nose and then smoothes out his frown. He tests a few more thoughts on the tip of his tongue but none of them feel right for words, so he looks up at BamBam. “Listen, what do you want out of this relationship?”

He receives a quirked eyebrow in return, in a way that shows BamBam isn’t actually upset. “Relationship, eh?”

“Ugh, no. Not relationship, but you know what I mean, don’t you? What are we doing? Hasn’t this gone too far?”

“You think it’s gone too far?” BamBam seems to consider this as if it’s a new occurrence to him.

“Yeah, I do.”

“I think we should have sex,” the younger replies with a grin.

The weight on Jinyoung’s chest feels like a house suddenly. This isn’t the way this conversation should be going. Especially not with BamBam crawling closer to him. Jinyoung moves away, but BamBam follows until Jinyoung is belt over the arm of the couch uncomfortably.

“You really don’t want to?”

Jinyoung gulps nervously as he looks into BamBam’s eyes. No matter what he says, it’ll be a lie. He’s that unsure of his feelings. “I don’t think we should.”

“Do you think it’d be bad?”

“I don’t think we should.” The words are even harder to say a second time.

“Not even if I ride you? There’s no one who’d turn that down.”

Jinyoung bites a lip. What BamBam just described had gone straight to his dick. And damn BamBam for having that snide grin on his face. The arrogance of youth was still strong in this one. Jinyoung puts a hand out to push him back. “I like you. But as a man, I have to say no. You get that, right?”

BamBam weighs that opinion but ultimately disagrees. “Actually, I’d think that as a man, you’d want to get in my pants.”

“I think I should wait for a girl. It might take a while, but it’ll happen like normal one day. No need for us to rush.”

“I’m tired of waiting.” BamBam scoffs and bats a hand at the air in dismissal. “Whatever girlfriend I have in the future will just have to be happy with a little extra experience. Not that it’s her problem.”

“Tired of waiting for what? Just do whatever you’ve done this far. It’s been working for you, hasn’t it? I don’t need to be a part of it.” Jinyoung says this, but secretly he’s still curious about BamBam’s experience that he’s been hinting at for years.

“One girl every five years isn’t working so well. I’d like to stop fucking a dildo and fuck a real person again.” And holy hell, Jinyoung did not need to hear that! It feels like his ears are bleeding and yet BamBam continues talking. “I was hoping you’d be down for it. I don’t think it needs to be a big deal. Wait, unless, you’re...”

“I’m what?”

The smile that forms on BamBam’s lips is devilish. “You’re a virgin, aren’t you, Jinyoungie?”

Jinyoung gulps. He’s more shy about this topic than BamBam, obviously, who as always seems to have no shame whatsoever. Not even enough to speak lightly of delicate subjects. “Well... yeah.” And suddenly he not only feels ridiculous for talking about this, but wants to puke for having the conversion lead here.

BamBam smiles more kindly this time and pulls him into a constricting and uncomfortable hug. He knows the intention was to comfort. “Don’t be shy. I’m sorry, I didn’t think of that before.” And then he settles a hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder. Again, in a way that’s supposed to be comforting. But it’s making Jinyoung’s stomach flip like crazy. This shouldn’t be happening. None of this should be happening. So he backs away from BamBam’s touches.

“It’s ok. Never mind that. But yeah, thanks but no thanks for the invitation. Yeah?” And as he says this, he’s getting up and intending to run away.

BamBam puts a hand on his wrist though, so softly, that even though Jinyoung is standing, he has to look back. As soon as he looks back, his feelings get so mixed up he feels about to faint. The look in BamBam’s eyes is inexplicable; something kind, and hopeful, and Jinyoung doesn’t understand what it means, but BamBam looks older now. More understanding than he had only seconds ago. He’s soft and at the same time hard, solid, determined. Jinyoung doesn’t understand anything, and when BamBam says, “Kiss me,” he doesn’t wait before pulling Jinyoung down to meet his lips, nor does Jinyoung stop him.

Jinyoung has surrendered to another kiss. One that’s too hot too quickly. He climbs over BamBam before he can think what he’s doing, and still in the back of his mind, he says to himself, this is going to be the last time. Between kisses, he pants into the other’s mouth, and places his hands in BamBam’s hair and on his body to keep them close. Just for a few more moments. This is going to be the last time, he thinks again.

But then BamBam goes and says something in a voice he’s never used before. At least not around Jinyoung. “I want to be your first. Again.”

“No.” Jinyoung springs apart. “Why?” It’s enough to bring a few wits back to him, but also enough to melt his heart. Because the way BamBam had said those words, felt too real. Too soft. Too personal. Like something that broke through the cracks of a hard shell and exposed something he shouldn’t have seen. BamBam is still looking at him with that soft look. The kind that’s genuine, and yet very foreign, and therefore enticing and frightening all at the same time. He doesn’t understand what’s happening.

“Don’t wait for someone else. If you want a boyfriend, I can do that. If you want it to be more than a fuck, I can do that.”

No, Jinyoung doesn’t understand what’s happening. He just searches BamBam’s eyes and they’re not backing down. They’re transforming into something he didn’t think his friend was capable of.

“You’re a good person, Jinyoung. You’re dependable and smart. And...” It feels like BamBam was going to say more things but he doesn’t. Instead he says, “I want you to be happy.”

“And you think I can be happy with you? I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“I think I’d be happy with you. I hope you can feel the same.” The air is heavy. Jinyoung wants to keep searching for answers in the other’s eyes, but BamBam pulls him back closer. “I... I don’t like-like you. But I love you. Like a brother. ...Does that make sense?”

“No.”

“I won’t break your heart. So be with me,” BamBam entreats. It’s soft. Really soft, for a boy that’s all pomp and swagger.

Against his will, Jinyoung feels his heart grow for this boy. He leans in all the way for a kiss. He wants to keep it light. He wants to stay his line, to not actually give in. But his heart has already given in. BamBam is too much. Has always been too much. The boy was a surprise for his nerves at every corner, and this last turn was... way too much.

BamBam takes control, flips them over, so he’s sitting in Jinyoung’s lap and whispers, “Touch me. Everyone wants to touch me.”

“I want to touch you.” Jinyoung runs a hand down his chest. This feels too easy. This kind of trap is deadly.

BamBam moves Jinyoung’s hand to cup him over his shorts. “Next time I spread my legs on stage, know that I’m yours. And don’t feel jealous anymore.” Jinyoung moves his hand to the interior of those shorts and BamBam is more than happy to feel the pressure increase on his dick. He leans into Jinyoung and starts peppering his neck in kisses and licks and staggered breathes that resonate through Jinyoung’s whole body.

He’s still got no idea what’s happening, but when BamBam takes him by the hand and pulls him into a bedroom he allows it. BamBam strips to the nude and unbuttons Jinyoung’s pants before pushing him back onto the bed, and Jinyoung is having a hard time processing the visuals before his eyes. BamBam is as thin and long-limbed as he remembers him, and all the seductive looks he gives to the camera are tenfold and directed at him. Just, more genuine this time. It reminds him of the first time they kissed when he felt real shyness from BamBam. Before the shyness started to be fake and put on for courtesy, so the fanservice wasn’t a full on sex show. Not that BamBam is shy now; Jinyoung only means to comment on the authenticity he feels.

BamBam hands him a small jar and Jinyoung knows what it’s for, but feels hesitant to hold on to it. He lets it fall on the bed and pulls BamBam over him for a kiss. He’ll feel more than content just touching. He runs his hands down the skin presented to him, all his, all nude, all smooth, all the way from BamBam’s chest and back, to his bum and thighs that grip Jinyoung’s sides. BamBam shifts forward and brings their erections together. Jinyoung stops kissing and BamBam lets out a pleasured sigh. He bites onto his lip and looks down at the elder. Jinyoung only stares back.

BamBam does most of the work, and Jinyoung gets answers to a lot of his curious questions he’s had over the years. How BamBam looks now is just as seductive, if not more so, than in his imagination. And he’s eager too, just how Jinyoung has always imagined him; the kind that takes control. Not that he ever imagined it being directed at him, but he can’t bring himself to take over yet. He just doesn’t have that kind of courage yet. Touching this expanse of skin is still enough. The way BamBam has them rubbing together is more than enough.

But BamBam adds lube, and then it becomes so much better. Jinyoung can’t watch anymore. He holds BamBam by the neck and just lets the pleasure wash over him. He thinks it will last longer, but before he can come, BamBam pecks his lips and stops rubbing over him. He sits up to reach backwards on himself, and then Jinyoung watches his face. He can’t see the fingers BamBam pushes into his own body, but as he watches his expressions, he knows what’s happening. He sucks in a breath, and waits. Part of him is waiting for BamBam to stop, but the other is waiting for BamBam to show him what is happening out of his view. BamBam does neither. He lies back over Jinyoung’s body, cradles his face in the elder’s neck and pushes his fingers deeper into himself. “Ah!” his breath hitches and it makes Jinyoung’s skin prickle. His hand tightens in BamBam’s hair.

“Does that feel ok?”

“You’ll feel it soon. Now it’s so... tight.” BamBam’s breaths are uneven, adding validity to his words.

Jinyoung wants to see, but he’s too scared. All of this is too real already. Before he’s ready, BamBam sits up and takes Jinyoung in hand again. He lets out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

“Breathe, ok? I’m tighter than a girl.” The way he says that, Jinyoung doesn’t think he’s ever seen BamBam be so serious. Like someone to trust. At a loss for where to hang his fears, how to soothe the heart trying to beat his lungs to death, Jinyoung places his trust in BamBam.

He feels immature to not act like an elder, but BamBam seems so sure, so steady, and it steadies him too, if only a little. Just enough to hold him here.

Jinyoung reaches for his other hand and BamBam squeezes back, then he smiles, and closes his eyes as he sinks his body over Jinyoung.

“Oh fuck...” Jinyoung’s eyes spring wide with shock.

“Imagine how I feel.”

“Don’t remind me.”

BamBam laughes. “Really? Don’t remind me?” He chooses that moment to drive the point and sink down to the hilt, and laughs more when he realizes he’d rushed a bit. “Oh... fuck.”

“All ok?”

“Yeah, just give me a second. When I do this alone, I take my time a little more; make a night out of it.”

“Don’t rush,” Jinyoung says. Almost like an admonishment. He needs time to adjust to the new feeling, and was about to say something about having all night and that they could do this again, but thinks that even after all the way they’ve come, he still shouldn’t promise such a thing. He wanted to say “take your time”, but even that’s something he abstains from. How ever BamBam wants to do this is ok with him. It feels too good and it’s wiping every rational thought from his mind as soon as it’s formed, so that nothing more leaves his lips.

BamBam moves, lifts up and pushes back down, and again, and Jinyoung is even more ok with them together like this. Right now isn’t the time for regrets. He looks up at BamBam, who’s riding him with a hand on his shoulder, and hooks a hand into the crook of his knee as encouragement. BamBam builds up a rhythm that becomes more confident with each slide together. As Jinyoung watches him, he thinks about how the sounds BamBam makes are lighter than the lewd sounds he forces for fanservice, how he’s actually quite powerful, how he’s controlled and courageous to be taking Jinyoung so deep, to trust him this way. The elder is trying to control his own breathing, to make this last. He touches BamBam’s thighs and then takes a hold of the erection between their stomachs.

BamBam sucks in a breath, and makes an appreciative sound in the back of his throat. He lets Jinyoung’s hand fist over him several times, before pulling Jinyoung forward and flipping them. “Ok. Your turn,” he says. His voice isn’t as steady as his words. “Fuck me. I’ll come any moment from now on.” At the questioning look on Jinyoung’s face, he assures, “Fuck hard. I could do with a good fuck. It’s been so long.”

The thrusts Jinyoung makes start tentatively. He’s testing out how deep to go, how he should snap his hips, where to angle. BamBam wraps his legs around him and pulls him down by the neck. They kiss, slow, deep, tongues languishing over each other. Until BamBam reminds him, “More. It’s good, but more. Ok?”

“Bam—” Jinyoung says. That’s all he says. The rest left his mind as soon as it came. It was something about it being tight, him on the verge of coming. It doesn’t matter. Jinyoung does what BamBam wants. He’s chasing his high. It’s so close. BamBam is breathing so close. His skin is hot, fevered, and Jinyoung holds him closer, fucks him deeper, until he’s seeing stars.

When the stars subside, BamBam has come undone under him. He catches the last look on his face before the expression softens, and he looks down to where BamBam’s come is splattered on his chest and dripping down his own. He looks as boneless as Jinyoung feels. He settles right over him. Not ready to move apart, not even ready to part their bodies, even though it’s uncomfortable already.

He only has time for three breaths before BamBam is pushing him off.

“Wait.”

“You ok?”

“Yeah. Just, a moment.” A couple more breaths, and then the strength in his arms returns enough to hold himself up again. He was probably crushing the younger.

BamBam has a questioning look on his face, like “how was it?”

Jinyoung doesn’t have words yet. For the first time, he looks down between them, to where they’re connected and pulls out. Semen flows out as BamBam closes back up. Jinyoung watches, bites his lip. Even after the deed is done, he’s still looking down at BamBam’s spread legs, where they used to be connected, the mess they’ve made together, the way BamBam’s skin is shiny from sweat and come and lube. What can he possibly say? This is so intimate. He wasn’t ready for this today, but now here he is. The first thing that comes to his mind doesn’t get filtered out this time.

“You’re so sexy,” Jinyoung says. His eyes are still roaming BamBam’s body, trying to piece together reality again. This is real. “This isn’t helping my crush.”

“That bad, eh?” BamBam jokes.

Jinyoung isn’t in the mood for joking yet. “No, listen. This was a mistake. I like you too much now...” And when he runs out of words, all he can say is, “You’re incredible.” It sounds like defeat.

“You wanna go again?”

“BamBam.” It’s a warning. Don’t push Jinyoung so much in one night. Jinyoung doesn’t know how to roll with the punches as well as BamBam. He takes longer to adjust to changes. He takes longer to come to terms with his feelings. He falls harder. And he knows all this about himself. He rests at BamBam’s side with his head on his shoulder. “Just stay.”

BamBam smiles to himself. “But I’m so gross and sticky. Shower required,” he whines good-naturedly. Jinyoung only holds on to him tighter.

“Your fault.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Bam. Don’t leave. Don’t make me say it again.”

At least BamBam has good taste enough to pull the covers over them before they fell asleep that way. It turns out they were in Mark’s bed.

They get shit for it in the morning. Because his bed was occupied, Mark had ended up sleeping in Jackson’s bed when the members returned later that night. And it wasn’t a problem of members seeing what they considered borderline too much skinship—because thankfully blankets are opaque—the issue was that Jackson kicks in his sleep, and they get an earful about how it is their fault he’d ended up with a scratch down his shin from an ill-landed midnight kick.

It is enough to redirect their thoughts in the morning to cleaning up evidence instead of worrying about a large step into a dangerous relationship together.

Somehow they act normal around each other for the next few days until they finally have time to talk properly.

BamBam has a satisfied expression on his face and Jinyoung is pissed off at him.

“I think you’re selfish and get off on praise or something. Yeah, you’re sexy as fuck. You know that already. You have me wrapped up around your little finger, and I already said that. We didn’t need to—have sex—” Jinyoung hisses, “to... to...”

“To what?”

“I don’t know,” Jinyoung huffs. “But you’re evil. How am I supposed to look at you the same way as before?” BamBam gives him a raised eyebrow, that looks too smug, and it only upsets Jinyoung more. “I’m not saying I did a fabulous job before not imagining sex acts with you, but at least I could have a perfectly normal breakfast at your side most of the time.”

“Breakfast turns you on?”

“Bam!” Jinyoung barks. BamBam is acting as if this is a joke. He composes himself again to keep lecturing the younger. “Look, I don’t want to put it all on you, because it’s my fault too. But fuck. Just, fuck fuck fuck.” He leaves off with slamming his head into his hands in exasperation.

A few moments pass where BamBam gives him time, but then he says, “The last few days I’ve heard you curse more than ever before. I think I’m a bad influence on you.”

Jinyoung looks up with fierce accusation in his eyes. “Yeah! You are.”

Unfortunately, BamBam is still too happy about all this. “You’re freaking out too much.”

“Am I?!” And of course the question is rhetorical, because Jinyoung thinks he should be freaking out even more.

“Chill for a second and remember what I said. If you want to be with me, you can. I’m yours if you want me. If not, that’s fine too.” He comes closer, and as much as Jinyoung doesn’t want the words to sooth him, they still do. Somewhat.

“I can still see you when I close my eyes. It used to be bad before, but now it’s like I’m afraid to close my eyes,” Jinyoung says, quietly, but not at ease yet. “Like you’re burned into me. How am I supposed to be normal again?”

“Fuck me until you get tired of me.”

That only makes anger flare in Jinyoung’s eyes again. He grabs BamBam’s arm with a grip that’s too tight. “Don’t.”

“Fuck me until you find someone you like more.”

“Don’t,” Jinyoung admonishes again. He wants to plead with BamBam, yell at him, beg him to never say those kind of things. They break his heart in so many ways.

“Fuck me like you did.”

“No,” Jiyoung still scolds, and even though he gives BamBam a shake this time, his expression softens because he can’t help it anymore. He wants to cry. “I can do better.”

“So fuck me better.” And finally BamBam is seeing the intention behind Jinyoung’s words.

“No.” Jinyoung comes close. The anvil on his lungs is making his throat tight and dry, and his voice quiet. “Bam,” he breathes. “I want to do so much more than that. All I’ve ever wanted was to love you, cherish you, be the only one that sees those looks you give the camera, who gets to touch you. ...You’ve ruined me.” Jinyoung’s eyes have become glassy with unshed tears. “I’ll never get tired of you.”

BamBam smiles and kisses his cheek. “You have me.”

Jinyoung still feels that this is a mistake and that he’s messed up innumerable things, but the truth is BamBam wants someone who loves him, and no one will love him more than Jinyoung.

—-

 

THE END.