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Yours Truly, The Lesbian in Accounts Payable

Work Text:

Dear Mr. Dollar,

I couldn’t help but notice certain coffee expenses for you and a friend on your expense reports. It’s such a regular occurrence that I wondered if you had ever confirmed if you were a bachelor? If you are, I would like to


Laurie trailed off writing and crumpled up the letter, tossing in her waste-paper basket, which was full of similarly crumpled pieces of paper. She still wasn’t sure this was a good idea, even though her wife had encouraged her that reaching out to another queer person in her office was a good thing. Good it may be, because it’s also dangerous and if she didn’t make the letter innocuous appearing enough she could get them both not only fired but black listed.

She thumped the piece of paper down on the desk and began writing again.


Dear Mr. Dollar

My name is Laurie Parker. I work in accounts payable.


No, no, that wouldn’t do. She scratched it out and grabbed another sheet.

“Dear Mr. Dollar,” she muttered to herself as she wrote. “I work in accounts payable and have noticed some patterns with your recent expense reports… ugh… that feels too formal.” She sighed, “It’ll do for now.”

She agonized over the letter for another hour before she had something she deemed safe enough to put in the mail. In the end this was what it read:


Dear Mr. Dollar

I work in accounts payable and have noticed some patterns in your recent expense reports and I wonder if you would confirm something for me. Are you a bachelor? If so, I was wondering if you would be interested in meeting for coffee. If I am mistaken, please forgive my overstep, I am aware that I can be quite forward as I am rather independent-minded.

Yours Truly,

Laurie Parker



Johnny Dollar read the letter aloud to himself in the living room and then he read it again. It was fascinating. Ms. Parker had been able to pick up his queer leanings just through the itemizations on his expense reports. He was certainly going to agree to her meeting, if for no other reason that to find out how obvious his expense reports were making things. So he sat down to write Ms. Parker back.


Dear Ms. Parker,

I accept your invitation for coffee.  I am curious to learn how you made your deductions and I hope I have caused you no undue difficulties. There’s no need to apologize for your forwardness, there is nothing wrong with being inquisitive. I suggest we meet at Hardey’s Diner a few blocks down from the office.

Yours Truly,

Johnny Dollar