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What Shall We Do With A Drunken Sailor?

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LANDO: You know, seeing you sure brings back a few things.

HAN: Yeah.

-- The Empire Strikes Back


"I fold." Han threw his cards onto the table.

"Again?" Lando raked in the chips. "Your deal."

Slowly, Han gathered the cards and squared them. "I'm bored."

"You're losing." Losing badly, actually. More so than usual. Lando
watched Han lean back in his chair, cutting the deck again and
again. He did look a little restless or something. "What's with

"Me?" Han put his feet up on the table and snapped the cards from
hand to hand. "Nothing. Just want to get out of here and do

"If you don't want to lose your shirt, that's okay by me. You don't
want to play cards, we'll do something else."

"They're late."

So he was worried. "They'll be here." They had better be here.

"Who said they wouldn't? I'm just bored, hanging around in space."
There was silence for a moment and Lando stacked his chips.
"What'll we do if they don't show?"

Lando frowned. "They'll show. And if they don't, how hard could it
be to sell a hundred kilograms of stardust? You need the money
right this second?"

Han grinned. "Just to pay you." Putting his feet back down, he
riffled the cards over and over. "Why do they call it stardust
anyhow? Isn't it made from beetles?"

"Some plant. Only on Terephon. Almost extinct from

"Well, aren't you the cute little botanist? Tell you what, before
it's all gone forever, let's you and me try some." Han pulled a
small bag out of his pocket. "I hear it's amazing."

Damn. Why hadn't he predicted this and planned for it? "Where did
you get that?"

"I took a sample. Relax, Lando. After all, we don't want to hand
over an inferior product."

"We're just supposed to smuggle this stuff, not test it." Han, why
do I even put up with you?

"Come on, it's supposed to be really intense. You'll feel warm and
happy and you'll love everybody." Han leaned over the table and
gave Lando one of his special smouldering looks. Yes, that would be

"Just deal, okay?" Please, please, Han, just deal and put the drugs

But Han was pouring the powder onto the table top, pushing it into
tidy lines with playing cards. "Hand me that sheet of paper, would
you? One line each."

"Not now If you want to do this stuff, wait til later. When we get
the money, we'll take a holiday. Hallomar or somewhere."

Grabbing the paper, Han rolled it up. "No? Your loss." He inhaled
one line. "Ow." Sniffing and blinking, he looked at Lando. "You
don't want it, I'll do it."

"Just one line, Han. Save mine for later."

"I can handle it." Han grinned, then the last of the stardust
disappeared. "See? Fine. Just a glow. I don't see what all the fuss
is about."

Nothing? If they'd been set up with a cut shipment or something,
this would be bad. "Are you going to deal now?" Well, if nothing
else, he could probably make a small profit out of the card game if
Han's concentration was impaired a bit.

"Sure." Lando cut the deck and Han tossed the cards with his usual
finesse. "I feel a little warm, a little happy. That's all." He
picked up one of the cards, stared at it, rubbed it between his
thumb and fingers. "Lando, this card!"

"What about it?"

"You should feel it." He held it out.

"Han, that's your hole card."

"And it feels so good. There are these little ridges on it." Han
pressed the card to his cheek, then ran it over his mouth and down
his neck. "The friction -- it's amazing."

Oh, shit. Lando threw his cards down. "Han..." Han, Han, Han. He
was irritatingly sexy at the best of times. Right now he was at
least twice as irritating. And three times as sexy. Lando realised
he was rubbing his thumb over his own cards and forced himself to

Han stroked the table. "Oh, the table! It makes me all tingly. It's
so nice. Try it."

"So it's a nice table. Pull yourself together."

But Han was pulling himself apart instead. He shimmied out of his
shirt, moaning about the cloth against his skin. "Feel it." He
rubbed the crumpled shirt in circles over his chest.

How long until this stuff would wear off? Minutes? Hours? Lando
wished he'd paid closer attention to the dealer they were smuggling
for. She'd waxed rhapsodic on the properties of stardust, how great
the effect was, how little you had to do, how long it lasted.
Think, man.

Probably hours. Han had somehow gotten out of his pants and boots
and was rolling on the floor. Long hours. The metal must be cold,
but he sounded like he was enjoying it. Lando nabbed Han's blaster
from the discarded holster and shoved it into a cabinet.

As he watched Han grinding slowly against the table leg, Lando
started to smile. Too bad he didn't have any recording equipment.
Now Han was prone, spread-eagled on the deck. "I can feel the whole
ship from here. Feel her touching me. She likes me, Lando." He
moved against the deck. Lando covered his mouth, half-grinning,
half-grimacing. Han was humping the Falcon. It was weirdly sensual
in a disturbing sort of way. At least Han still had his...

No, he didn't. How Han could move so fast in this state was beyond
Lando, but suddenly the man was naked, presenting his pasty but
attractive ass to Lando and the air while he still tried to do the
nasty with the ship. "A ship is like a woman, Lando. You gotta make
love to her. Right, baby?" Han pressed his cheek to the deck. "You
like that baby, yeah, you do."

"Did you use to be a porn star, Han?"

"C'mere and feel her. C'mere and I'll make love to you too."

"Not right now." Though it could be fun. Han looked like some big
cat, the kind that leaned shamelessly into each stroke and rewarded
you with a throaty purr.

"You never fuck me, Lando." Han crawled closer and nuzzled Lando's
boot. "Never."

"Last night, dusthead." Han's fingers pulled at Lando's pant leg.
Lando gave up and hauled Han to his feet.

"You feel so nice." Han rubbed Lando's back, then kissed him. "Oh,
your moustache. It's the sexiest thing I ever felt in my whole

"You don't feel so bad yourself." A naked, writhing Han pressed up
against him felt pretty good. Pretty damn good. And maybe this
would calm him down a little too. Calm both of them.

The comm panel beeped. Someone was hailing them.

Of course. Now that he'd decided to join Han in his irresponsible
rolling around, now their contact had shown up. Sighing, Lando
headed for the comm panel, dragging the still-clinging Han across
the deck.

"Han. Han. Get off my arm. I need you to get off me. Now. They're

"You never let me have any fun," Han whined, as Lando flung him
into a chair.

"Stay." Lando turned to the panel. "Calrissian here. What is your

"About two hundred meters away," said a wholly unexpected voice.

"Boba Fett?!" Lando almost shrieked. Han, who was lavishing great
attention on the chair's upholstery, murmured "Boba Baby! Oooohh,

"What's your trajectory? This won't take long."

Lando collected himself. "And to what do we owe the pleasure of
this visit?"

Han was slithering out of the chair and crawling toward him. "I
wanna talk to him. Lemme talk to him."

Lando made vague swatting motions as Han tried to reach for the
controls. Thankfully, his reflexes were unusually slow.

"Collecting." Fett's voice shivered coldly up Lando's spine. He'd
always distrusted that man. "Trajectory, please." The "please"
implied that Lando had no choice whatsoever in the matter.

Lando muted the transmission for a moment and grabbed Han by the
shoulder, searching his eyes for a shred of coherence. The eyes in
question showed barely a ring of amber around wide, deep, huge
pupils. "Do. You. Owe. Him. Money?"

Han giggled and nodded hugely. "Uh-huh."

Lando heaved him back in the chair. Han was in no condition...shit.
It was only a matter of time before Fett was able to isolate their
flight path -- holding out on their trajectory wouldn't do any
good, and Fett might even start shooting at them. Of course they
could kick Boba Fett's shiny metal ass in a shooting battle, but it
wouldn't do to attract attention, what with a hundred kilos of
highly illegal narcotics in the hold.

Lando decided to maintain his genial host demeanor and gave him the
numbers. "When should I expect you?"

But Fett had already signed off. Lando had maybe two minutes to
stow Han somewhere and make himself presentable. And come up for a
reason for Han's nonpresence. Great.

His offending partner was out of the chair again, now wrapping
himself around Lando's leg. "Bobababy's coming? Oh boy. Can he play
too? We could all play." Han's hand wandered to Lando's groin,
cupped him lightly. Lando felt the blood drain from his face, and
then just as quickly rebound. Now he was hard *and* angry, and not
in a good way.

He grabbed both of Han's wrists and hauled him out to the main
cabin. "We do not have time for this." He began prying up the
trapdoor to the hidden cargo hold.

Lando was sweating, and he didn't like to sweat. The trap was
sticking, as it did about half the time. When it stuck it took both
of them to open it. Han, however, was sitting cross-legged on the
floor fondling his half-hard penis and crooning softly in a way
Lando found particularly distracting. He had begun to despair when
the trapdoor suddenly creaked and gave, almost sending Lando down
with it.

Grimacing, he picked Han up and threw him over his shoulder, at
which Han made a little surprised-and-pleased noise. Lando rolled
his eyes and lowered them gingerly down into the hold. Han's warm
weight against him and his earthy smell, now rendered a little
bittersweet by the drug, were seductive. Han's erection was
pressing into his chest, that shapely ass inches from his face.
Lando swallowed.

"We're gonna play. Oh good. Mmm, Lando, you feel so waaaaaarm.

Lando tipped the moaning Han off of his shoulder and balanced him
against a bulkhead. Time was ticking away. Han would never *stay*
down here.

Glancing urgently around the dingy little room, Lando spotted
spotted some loose tubing piled up in a corner. He yanked out a
length and bound Han's hands together, then on second thought
looped a length around some exposed pipe and lashed Han to it. That
should hold him. He was a little worried about Han's circulation,

Han was slow to react. "Hey!"

Lando leaned in, feeling the heat radiating off of his partner's
naked body. "Comfortable?"

"What is this stuff?" Han asked, chafing his wrists a little
against the tubing. "It feels great."

Lando sighed, then reached in his pocket and extracted a minute
listening device. He fitted it into his ear and then switched on
the hidden hold's monitor. "I'm going up to deal with Fett now.
I'll be able to hear you if you have any problems. Which I strongly
suggest that you don't."

Han was rubbing his backside against the bulkhead and didn't look
as if he'd heard.

Lando sighed. I'll deal with you later. I cannot *wait* to deal
with you later. After pulling himself back up to the main cabin, he
stuck his head back down into the cargo hold. "I want to take this
opportunity to remind you that this is all your fault." Then he
slid the trap closed. He was just rearranging his clothing when he
heard the Slave 1 sidling up beside the Falcon.

He just made it to the airlock in time. The controls clicked in and
metal clanged. Boba Fett stepped on board the Millennium Falcon,
blaster rifle in hand. Did he ever go anywhere without that thing?
Obvious compensation. Which reminded Lando. He did a quick mental
check. Arousal level not too evident and and falling every second
in the presence of the bounty hunter.

"So, Boba Fett, what can I do for you today? Would you like a
drink? I have some fruit juice that's quite nice."

"Where's Solo?"

"He took a few days off, went to visit some friends or something."
Well, the first round had gone okay. Lando knew he was a consummate
liar. He just needed to concentrate. Which would be a lot easier if
he didn't have Han humming deep in his ear -- right inside his
brain, it seemed. Lando tried to block it out.

"Your voice..." Han mumbled throatily, "it's so sexy. Have I ever
told you that?"

"When is he back?" Something about Fett's voice went right through
Lando's head and made his teeth hurt.

"Hey, Lando honey," Han breathed in his ear, "aren't you and Boba
Baby coming down here? I want to feel his mmmaaaaaasssssssk..."
Something about Han's voice went right to Lando's groin and made
his cock switch from falling to rising. Couldn't the damn thing
make up its mind?

"I'm sorry. Not for a week at least." Fett's mask? Was Han really
such a perv or was it just the drug talking?

"I'll wait." Fett looked like he would too. Like he would just
stand there, holding his blaster the whole time. After three days,
he'd probably lean against the wall.

"Whatcha got under that mask, anyway, Bobababy? Is it anything like
whatcha got in your pants? Heh heh." Apparently Han really was such
a perv.

Fett didn't just stand there, after all. Pushing past Lando, he
stalked into the corridor, footsteps echoing through the ship.
Lando spun and caught him up. "I'd hate for you to be
inconvenienced. Can I help you?"

Fett stopped. Right on the trap door.

"Oh wow," Han practically yelled. "That is so. Fucking. Intense."
Lando hoped he hadn't winced. "Do it again, do it again!" It was
fucking loud was what it was. If Fett had heard... "Ooohhhh...I can
feel the vibrations. Your footsteps. Right through me. Right up and
down my...Ohhhh..."

"Solo owes me money. Thirty thousand." Damn, but it was difficult
dealing with a masked man. No expressions, no emotions.

"If you come down here, I'll be soooo good to you." Han's voice
thrummed down Lando's spine and did not go up again.

"I'm sure that he intends to pay you just as soon as he returns
from his trip."

"I'm going to lick every inch of that beautiful body of yours. I
can just feel you on my tongue."

Lando could hear every breath Han took, could almost feel the
warmth. He found himself breathing the same rhythm.

"I'm sure he will." Fett paced a few steps. "And I'll be here when
he does."

"And then I'm going to take your cock in my mouth, just the tip of
it, and slide my tongue aaaaaaall over it..." Han's sigh was gusty
and made Lando's brain stem itch.

"I think you've misunderstood. Han will be several days yet. I'll
be sure to tell him you came by."

"Lando. Lover. You should see how hard I am. Can you feel how much
I want you?"

Lando's cock jumped as his heart sank. Damn Han! Damn him for
getting them into this situation. Damn him for being so
irresponsible. Damn him for being so irresistible.

"I'll go when I have my money." Now Fett did lean against the wall.
Damn him too.

"How much did you say?" Lando heard Han's soft moaning, a bump or
two that must mean he was swinging himself around. This couldn't go
on. One or both of them were going to lose it. Not Fett, though. He
didn't have any "it" to lose, despite what Han might babble.

"Thirty thousand."

"I'll get you the money." He was going to get every cent of it back
from Han later and take it out of his hide now. "Come with me."
Lando didn't want Boba Fett any further into the Falcon than
necessary, but he couldn't just leave him there over the trap door.

"Oh, yes, yes..." For a microsecond, Lando considered just letting
Han have his wish to meet Boba Fett. The thought didn't cheer him
up, though.

In his office, Lando counted out the money, most of his cash on
hand. His state of mind was inexpressible in mere words now -- more
like great swathes of red, splashes of red rage, splotches of red

Fett took the money without a word. He bowed slightly, then turned
and strode back to the airlock. Lando followed, Han humming in his
ear the whole way.

Silent too, Lando let Fett out. The airlock closed, the ships
disengaged. He sagged against the bulkhead a moment. One thing

And now for Han.

Lando could still hear Han moaning, and he plucked the comm unit
from his ear. He stormed into their sleeping quarters, ripped off
his shirt, grabbed a few essentials from the nightstand, and headed
to the trapdoor. After struggling with it for what felt like an
hour, he gave a great heave and wrenched it off, accompanied by
groaning metal. He flung the door aside with a grunt of
satisfaction and dropped quickly down.

His partner, lover, and friend was straining at his bonds, his
golden-pale skin flushed dusky from his exertions and shining
faintly with sweat in the dirty light of the hold. Damp tendrils of
hair curled fetchingly around his face and on his neck. His eyes
were closed, an expression of rapture parting his lips. Smears of
grime seemed artfully placed to highlight the taut curves of muscle
on his jaw, chest, forearms, and thighs. A prodigious erection was
pointing straight at Lando.

Lando's mouth filled, even as anger burned his gut. Carefully, man.
Stay in control.

He moved in close, very close, but carefully avoided touching Han
anywhere. The heat and pungent scent coming off him was incredible.

He leaned forward and pressed the gentlest kiss against Han's lips.

"You owe me thirty thousand credits," he whispered dangerously.

Han's eyes fluttered open and he beamed a delightful, grateful grin
at Lando.

"You're here! I missed you."

Oh, I've missed you too, Han. Lando dropped another kiss on Han's
mouth, hinting at teeth this time.

"Plus the four thousand, three hundred and twenty-five you already
owed me."

Han craned his neck forward, seeking another kiss. Not so fast, you
little -- Lando stepped back. Stepped back and slowly dragged his
fingertips down the other man's body from shoulders to hips,
drawing trails in the dirty sweat, loving the rush of power it gave
him when Han arched into the touch with a whimper.

"Lando, Lando, please...I wanna touch you. feel so

And something snapped inside of him. He grabbed Han's shoulders and
roughly spun him around, slamming his chest into the bulkhead.
There was that lovely ass again, flexing as Han rubbed himself
wantonly against the cold metal.

"I love you," groaned Han, who obviously knew what was coming.
Well, he'd give him something to groan about.

Lando smiled and unfastened his trousers. His cock lurched free
like a wild thing. It ached -- it had been aching for ages now --
and he was damned if he was going to wait any longer.

He slid his hand over the curve of Han's ass, and Han said "yes!"
and thrust back against him. Sweat smoothed the way as Lando parted
him, stroking none too gently at the heated flesh. As his finger
probed into that hot body, Han released a "Fffuck yeah!" so loud it
bounced off the walls.

Lando fingered him quickly and hard, wanting, needing, demanding
that Han be ready now. But he met no resistance at all; his
writhing lover was babbling and so relaxed Lando could probably
have gotten his forearm in there without any trouble.

Maybe another time.

But now his cock was drooling and he needed his hand for other
things. He withdrew his finger and reached into his pocket for the
bottle of oil. He shivered and suppressed a groan of his own as he
stroked himself slippery. He felt like he'd been hard for hours.

"Hurry, Lando. Hurry. Please...oh, fuck me." Han sounded as if he
might cry.

This was going to be too good.

He pressed firmly against Han's ass, still half-expecting the usual
struggle for entry and self-control. His lover pushed straight back
against him, swallowing him into a tight glove of heat. They both
gasped raggedly.

"Oh, oh you feel so good."

Maybe stardust wasn't such a bad thing after all. Lando pulled back
a little and plunged in again, caressed by Han's molten body which
somehow seemed to clutch at him hungrily. His anger blew away like
a handful of white powder.

"Touch me. Touch me everywhere."

Lando was only too happy to oblige at this point, draping himself
across Han's sweaty back and running his hands around to pull at
his nipples. Han felt wonderful against him. He couldn't imagine
why he hadn't spent all afternoon fucking him.

He tightened his grip on Han's nipples, pinching them hard in a way
he knew Han loved. His lover hissed "yesss" and bucked against him,
sending an unexpected wave of pleasure through Lando. He picked up
the pace. He was going to drill Han right through the bulkhead.

"Oh yeah. Harder!"

Lando could just about manage to smile at this point. He obliged,
pumping intensely, getting close, lust gripping his cock and
pulling it in hot, wet strokes.

"Ah! Yes!" Han cried, meeting his thrusts. "It's so good!"

And it was. With the last shred of rational thought left to him,
Lando was faintly amused that Han, normally limited to grunts in
bed, was waxing so verbose. But then he was too busy coming to

Coming like a thousand volts coursing through him, crackling across
every nerve. Filling Han, filling him...he pulled almost all the
way out, then rammed home one last time, shuddered, collapsed
across the other man's back for a moment.

"Oh, wow, I could feel you come. Feel every pulse, just
it was me, only it was inside me too, and you..." Han went on
babbling something about the essential oneness of things, but Lando
was dimly realizing that Han hadn't come yet. Lando really had no
choice but to reach for his cock, just to shut him up.

He had just closed his hand around it when he became aware, over
Han's redoubled crooning, of a distant beeping noise. The comm. The

Oh shit.