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You are not Alone

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As far as I can remember, I am always alone. I cannot even recall my parents or the so-called family. I basically grew up an orphan and a slave. As an abandoned child with nowhere to go to, I had to work as a slave to survive in this hellish world. At least, that is what I wanted to believe in. I told to myself that serving my master and making him happy can also fill the emptiness inside me.

Love is unknown to a girl like myself. No one around me showed compassion nor care. So when I was asked what my wish was, I said it was to be loved by everyone. I felt complete bliss after I received the geass. Wherever I go and whoever I meet, they will definitely make me feel special. This is the feeling I have always wanted to feel. The emptiness inside me was engulfed by this overwhelming love that even a stranger was willing to give to me. However, it was just a fleeting feeling. It soon became both tiring and sickening. As the old saying goes, too much of everything is poisonous. There was so much love for me that I could not identify what was true love at one point. The geass bestowed on me was becoming more of a curse than a blessing. Suddenly, I went back from trance. The make-believe world I made was too suffocating which showed that I never grew up from being the simple slave girl.

My life was empty. Yet again. This was not new to me, though. I was always at fault for this. If I had not expected too much, I would not be feeling this. Contrary to love, betrayal had become a shadow, always lurking behind me. It followed me everywhere, no matter what era I was in. First, the nun I trusted betrayed me by entrusting an immortality code on me. Second, I betrayed myself. I have constantly betraying myself by setting expectations and hurting myself in the process. And then, I was betrayed countless times after that. By different people in different continents, decades after decades.

I have lost all my will to live along with my emotions that have slowly banished one after the other. I have only desired for one thing, the thing that even heavens withheld from me. I became senseless with the things around me. People from various races called me a witch. And yes, I am a witch that lives for the eternity of time. With the limitless span of life given to me, I have learned to detach myself to humans. All the people that had hatred or kindness for me disappeared in the flow of time...in the flow of time that knows no end.

Then, I met him. I felt nauseated at first when I thought that our first meeting was fated. But it seemed so. He was the first to exceed my hopes for him. He was the first, from a very long time, to treat me as an equal and see me as another human being. Above all, he was the only person who granted my wish. For that, I am really grateful. But not for very long for he stubbornly opposed the idea of my death presented by his father. I can still remember his very words during my supposedly dying moments. "I'll make you smile. Damn it!" he said? Silly boy. Those words did not suit him. That was so unlikely of Lelouch to utter that kind of line. Still, the small remaining part of my human self felt happy at that moment. I felt the colors around me revived its vividness and colored my surroundings for one more time.

He has a very sly and wicked personality yet he reserved his soothing and loving voice for his sister. I was envious when I discovered this fact. Then I continued watching his every moves and decisions. It was astonishing for a mere human like him to take those actions and win every battle. Compared to his proud self he is showing to enemies, he was a rather lonely boy. Someone who just struggling to find a place to exist. With that, I can somehow relate to him.

Slowly, very slowly, something was changing inside me. It was late when I realized that I was falling for him. It was almost ridiculous to think that deep in my heart, I still wanted to be loved by someone. I know this will be another betrayal on me. He was too busy chasing after his dreams and continues moving forward. It will be impossible for me to monopolize his attention even if I wanted too. I will just do what a witch was supposed to do. To be beside her warlock, guiding and supporting him. I will be contented being on his side. With my experienced, I learned to be satisfied with things even if it was just for the time being. I would not ask for more.

Ne, Lelouch, I want to consistently wish for your happiness. I desire for you to be happy even if it is not with me. There are only three words that I wanted to whisper on your ear. "I love you". I know you will just shrug it off but I mean it. I love you...even if you are not mine.

End~