“Why the heck do I have to be Princess Peach? I'm definitely more Mario. Masculine, sweaty and lots of buttcrack. Plumber styling,” Brent said with a weighty sigh as he waddled in his strapless hot pink high heels across the fake desert mini golf course to retrieve what was left of his balls.
“Because I'm short and have plenty of buttcrack too, unfortunate you're taller and look like a woman,” Zach said, smirking. He twirled his mustache, definitely not watching the flat dierre of his lead singer.
Brent put his ball back in place and hit it softly. “There's goes the last of my manhood and down, and down, and my dick drops. Fore.” The white little ball did indeed go in the hole with a clunk. He hung his head shamefully. “Last time I lose a bet.”
Zach walked over and put a hand on his princess' shoulder. “Aww, it's okay. I hear they grow back around christmas and you can hang them on a tree to display proudly for family and friends to see.”
“Fuck you, you asshole. I hope you get splinters in your eyeball,” Brent said as he waddled away, catching sight of Princess Daisy, his belove twin sister who also had a ballsack and was slowly losing masculinity as he trailed behind Luibarry. “Get this cocksucking bitch away from me, I'm about to rip him a new asshole and tell his mother he sells crack to school children.”
“Dude, fuck you. It's your fault I'm wearing bright yellow and big green earrings, I feel like a damn queen on the full moon during winter solstice,” Eric said, looking a little frumpy.
Barry tried not to smile, clearly amused by the ghost of one on his face. “Aww, buck up buttercup. You lovely ladies will be fine escorts to the party. Tall, leggy and boxoum....,” he said, his smile turning almost Jack Sparrow. “You...did remember to wear your precious B cups, right?”
“Alright, I'm done, dress is coming off and I'll drink copious amounts of liquor to make up for this public embarrassment. Good for us there's no freaking fans around,” Brent said, violently tearing the dress off and getting the hole stuck around his face, where it had difficulty getting his rather large head through before.
“Omgosh! Is that Shinedown?,” someone squealed in the distance.
“Oh fucking great,” Brent said, he breathed desperately. “Get me the fuck out of this!” He tried taking off the pumps and started running, only to be caught by his plumbing princess.
“Ahh, you know what. I'll do your ass one better,” Zach said as he picked up Brent and carried him over his shoulder.
“And now I know previous girlfriends' pain when they had to wear these fuckers,” Eric said as he waddled after Zach who flew toward the exit and Barry laughed, only to almost get mowed down by a tiny fan who almost caught a dread. He dreaded it. He chased.
“You horney fucker, I knew your ass wanted me,” Brent crooned, snickering. “Couldn't wait till I was dropping my damn clothes.”
“Oh shut up, before I drop your ass and let you get molested by teen girls,” Zach said as they made it to the parking lot and skeedaddled toward their typical black suv they had rented while in town.
“Please wait! We just want autographs Princess Brent and Mario...hey Zach!,” a fan screeched, a man, who was laughing up a storm. “And Luibarry, what a mighty green hat! Princess Eric, looking gorgeous!”
“Get me in the damn car and speed off like we got a cop on us now,” Brent groused as Zach dumped him in the back and Barry got in with him. “For your information, one of them could have been hot and in their twenties and I might...nah. I hate high heels and I think my feet are stuck in the damn things.”
Barry waved at the fans with a glorious debonaire smile. “Good Luck next time, young shiners.” For added affect he gave a two finger salute and rolled up his window as Eric in high heels managed to speed the hell off with Zach hanging half way out the car.
“Okay! Dude! Slow down, shorty here and he doesn't want to die like we're getting shot at,” Zach said, managing to get in finally and slammed his face against Zach's shoulder. “Also, you've been working out. Almost broke my jaw on your shoulder. Good job.” He moved away, rubbing his face and shaking his head.
Eric shrugged. “Thaaaaaaanks. I don't think I've ever considered my shoulders an asset but next time I look in a mirror, I will admire them and see to it that I keep up the good work. And Brent, try driving in the sons of a bitches.”
Brent was still trying to get the dress over his head, and Barry finally decided to help. There was lots of grunting and cursing and finally...”Fuck it! I'll wear it and cut it off later. Bets a bet.” Brent steamed as he crossed his arms over his haphazard dress. He looked stormy, gloomy and downright sassy In pink.
“Ah, Zach. So long we were feminized as the girly ones. No longer, we're finally men and that deserves a brew or a beer. I'm not sure which one but party calls for beer,” Barry said, popping a thumb in his mouth and making a random ass wear cry as he popped it.
“Hear, hear,” Zach said, grinning as he turned on the radio and an rnb station they had it on were playing Ginuwine's Pony. “My Jam.” He was thinking of Brent, but he would never admit it.
“Fuck you, losers,” Brent and Eric both grunted at the same time. It was almost like they shared the same mind.
Barry and Zach, giggled like school children, purposely. Brent smouldered and Eric purposely stopped at a red light hard, sending Zach into the dash board. “Haha, Haha. Haaaaaaaaaa. Laugh it up. I'll win prettiest princess tonight.”
Zach pouted. “Asshole.” And Brent looked satisified.
Forty minutes later they parked their SUV outside a Bellaire Mansion. Brent felt like he was being watched as soon as he stepped out, he bent down and tore off the damn pumps and threw them. “Going barefoot, boys.”
“Well, yeah, neighborhoods clean. Not the ghetto, think your foots will live, man,” Zach said, patting him on the back patronizingly.
“Who the hell's that?,” Eric asked, then his eyes grew wide. “And why does it have a a mallet!?”
Barry's eyes grew wide too. It was huge, white with messy dark hair and it jumped at them wildly. “No! Shit! Not again! Queen Boo! We told you! We have a restraining order, dammit!”
“No one keeps me away from my Brent! Not even when he's clearly Princess Butt receiver!,” Queen Boo yelled as she came down and knocked them all in the head with swift actionable justice. She would get hers.
They all fell and groaned, and rolled, heads hurting. “Queen Boo! You can't do this! You want grutuious amounts of sex and I cannot keep up! I told you we're finished,” Barry cried.
“No more for you! Now it's all Brent's,” She said as she knocked her true beloved in the head but he wouldn't go down easy.
Brent staggered and looked up. Somehow...she was beautiful but frightening. “I'll come with you, just leave my friends alone.”
“One more whack should do and then Shinedown is truly through! Herpes for everyone!,” She cried, wildly swinging the axe. It was almost as if the Earth shook.
“No! Zach is too pure! A beautiful snowflake on the sunset mountains of Europe. Go Brent, she doesn't have herpes, she has syphillis, pencillian will do the job,” Barry said, looking like an anime character as a he stood. Dramatic and Poingint against the streetlights.
Suddenly, without warning, the woman dressed in the King Boo costume picked up Brent and started running down the street and out of sight.
“No fucking way! After that womanslut!,” Eric said.
“No, we must wait. She is finished. Brent has the mightiest dick, it'll sooth her soul,” Zach said, with a dramatic sigh.
“But ...he lost his balls. What... will he do?,” Eric said, looking truly puzzled.
“It's okay. They were only metaphorical. Christmas has arrived and it's in the form of a feast of a fat woman,” Barry said. “He'll make it back. Don't worry.”
Brent sat from the couch with a clearly terrified look. “I'll be presumptious and say you want to fuck but like... why?”
“You are incorrect,” She said, finally looking ….sane. “I have a reward just for you.”
Brent didn't trust rewards, not without working for it but...he was intrigued. “Tell me. What is this reward?”
“Tell me. How badly do you want to cleanse the world of stds?,” Queen Boo said, stirring a martini and drinking. “I'd offer you a drink but the only thing I want you tasting is my peanut butter cup.”
“Excuse me?,” Brent asked, all the world confused. “Who wouldn't? And ..your peanut butter cup? Uh.”
“Well, I have a certain object imbued with power and your dick will... be the world's instrument in getting rid of STDS forever,” Queen Boo said.
“Whaaaaaat? Are you smoking tobaccy whacky? Because that's just nonsensical,” Brent said, but he was further, much further interested.
“You heard me. You can fuck the world clean. All you have to do is eat this peanut butter cup and dowse it with part of your soul,” She said, downing the martini and spinning around, presenting a knock off looking reese cup.
“Just.... eat it?,” Brent asked, he stood and walked slowly over.
She held it out of reach. “Yes but you must whore your way through each town and city. It'll cause a ripple effect. Each person goes away being clean. Find the loosest sluttiest women and you'll save the damn world.”
“well...damn, okay. Can't say no to that,” Brent said, taking the peanut butter cup and devouring it.
She watched with rapt fascination as a glowing light blue and white light surrounded him and went straight to his crouch. “You beautiful beast. It responded to you, you're the chosen one.”
“What do I do now?,” Brent asked, looking flabberghasted as his penis was warm, tingly and most definitely ready for action. “Do I start with you?”
“No. What I have...is incurable. A lust for peanut butter cups, and you ate my last one,” She said, sighing sadly. “Now. Go. Fuck the world and come to me last. You'll always find me here. At the Queen Boo Mansion.”
“But...,” Brent trailed off. He knew his duties to the world now. It would be a difficult task but he was ready for it. Prepared. He felt like, he trained for this all his life. “Okay. I'll...make the peanut butter cups proud?” He asked, shrugging slightly and raising his hands questionably.
“You'll know who I am later and you'll make me proud. I'm your last stop, that's all,” Queen Boo said, looking into the blazing fireplace.
“What do you want?,” Brent asked, still shocked by his glowing light blue dick.
“It's hard to imagine but all I want is a baby. Now go!,” She commanded. “Leave my sight. You have a mission!”
“I...okay! I must go. It is my duty,” Brent said as he ran out the door, but not before tearing off his cheap Princess Peach costume and discarding it in the door way.
They were waiting patiently. “Any minute now...”
Brent came running down the street. “MY DICK IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD! MIGHTiER tHAN THE PEN! MIGHTIER THAN THOR.”
“Guess he fucked her,” Zach said, shaking his head sadly. Everyone got Brent but him. Fucking hell. He hated Ginuwine.
“No, I've got magic dick. Some kind of mystical disease that's gonna change the world. See?,” Brent said as he pointed to his glowing crouch.
“Well, she finally chose the one,” Barry said, shaking his head.
“Your dick glows? Let me see, dude!,” Eric said, looking skeptical.
Brent thought about it and shrugged. What the heck, why not? He got in close as his bandmates and bestfriends surrounded him and then whipped it out. Indeed it was glowing. “Something about fucking the world clean and giving her a baby? I don't know. Supposed to report back to her once I've done that...but I might bow out on a kid. Yeah. Gonna bow out on a kid.”
Barry nodded. “Best not give the crazy woman a baby.”
“Nah, I'll totally do it. The peanut butter cup did me in,” Brent shrugged. “Party over?”
“Nope, just beginning. Where's your costume?,” Barry asked.
“Also nope, fuck that. I'm going to burger king while y'all suffer in those cheesy gets up,” Brent said. “Hand over the keys.”
“And also get laid while he's at it I imagine,” Eric said, clearly proud of his friend's duties and glowing penis. “Who will you fuck first?”
“A hooker. Who the hell else? Easiest disease spotter a mile away,” Brent said, shrugging.
“Fine. Go wild you crazy kid!,” Zach said, throwing the keys at Brent. Wait? Wasn't Eric driving?
Brent caught the keys and grinned. “Hey, Hookers know a good time. Think I'll pay up a couple hours with the skankiest one with a heart a gold. Make that two.”
“Go Glowdick. Conquer the world!,” Barry said, saluting him. Jealous of the dick power. Though he wouldn't admit. Ah, he wanted to be chosen.
Brent jumped in the car and wondered. Why his baby? Why? Just...why? And as he started up the car, the rnb station was playing Imagine by Ariana Grande. “Hm....we'll see. Time to fuck the universe.” And he pulled out onto the world. His destiny was written, and he still tasted remnants of the cup of cleansing.
To be continued....