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Where Else Would I Be?

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It hurt. It hurt so much, he couldn't move, he couldn't move. He had never felt such pain before-- granted, up there, physical pain wasn't exactly a thing but-

His moving was constricted, around his arm was some sort of metal contraption, holding his arm captive within its unforgiving teeth.

He couldn't believe that this was happening, this wasn't how it was supposed to turn out. He was just so tired and done with it all, and heard rumors of falling angels from heaven that never returned, who were never heard from again.

When Evan Hansen heard that, he assumed it meant they had died, finally ceased to exist. Managed to end it in a painless manner. But no, it turned out. He was going to stay here, trapped, alone with his thoughts and his arm and oh my god there was so much blood helphelphelp

He began to sob, tears involuntarily streaming from his eyes. This wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair. He was a strange, winged being, in the land of humans, he believed they were called. And honestly? He hadn't heard too many good things about this place, but he'd happily go back, ignore his crippling anxiety, and scream out to everyone else about how wrong they were and that humans were good if one just walked by and-- he cut his thoughts off with a bitter laugh. One can only dream, right?

The rumors he heard of humans were tales that parents would tell to their children to keep them from misbehaving, and he just really, really hoped that everyone was over exaggerating, and that he was not going to be killed, experimented on, or whatever freaky thing that they could think of.

God, he really just hoped that his mom really wouldn't miss him, just like he'd thought she wouldn't before he jumped. Evan would gladly jump again and make sure he'd do it right if his own mother ended up risking her life for his sake. He was nearly an adult now, right? So, he needed to learn how to grow up, and now was the time.

His own lectures to himself were cut off with a sudden feel of dizziness, the world was spinning, and his mind felt distant-- like his thoughts were there, but they were smothered, silenced, unclear. And then, his eyes were heavy, and it was dark.


Hours were quick to become days, and with days, a week passed by. Each added more suffering, and he just wanted to go home.

Home. It almost felt like a distant memory now. How long had it been? A few days? It felt like years ago. Evan had been so caught up in thinking about how much pain he was in that he nearly forgot the reason he was here was because he decided that home would be a better place without him there.

Maybe, just maybe, he could fly. The only problem with that idea is he wasn't strong enough anymore. His stomach growled and his throat was dry. The insane lack of blood wasn't helping with his situation either. So, as quickly as the thought had come up, Evan shut it down. There was no use. He was going to get what he was going for originally, sure, but he was having second thoughts, and this was quite possibly one of the most painful ways to die.

He let out a sigh, titling his head back to look up above him. Partially to think of how far from home he was, but he didn't want to dwell on that, so he tried focusing on the magnificent green trees that surrounded him, almost covering the sky. From above, they were pleasant to look at, but here? They were amazing.

At least he could die in a beautiful place.

With that, he allowed himself to fall asleep again. Sleeping was the only thing keeping him from having a panic attack so intense that he'd just die of a heart attack right then and there.

However, before sleep could take him, he heard footsteps, and they were getting closer and oh no wait he wasn't ready to die he wasn't ready to die please not yet he didn't want to be thrown into a lab or used for sexual pleasure he just wanted to go home please please please.

He curled in on himself the best he could with a bear trap clinging to his arm, wings wrapped around himself protectively-- it may not have been the brightest idea, but they were going to be seen sooner or later, and he wasn't exactly in the right state of mind to be thinking logically. Breathing was becoming difficult and his heart was speeding up and suddenly it was so loud and everything was loud and he just wanted it to stop-


“What the fuck?”


Evan only responded with a wince, trying to scoot as far away from the voice as the bear trap that held his arm hostage would allow him to go-- which, unsurprisingly, wasn't very far, and did little to nothing.

“What the fuck?” He repeated. And this time, Evan did look up. He met eyes with a very tall, very uh, you know what? He actually had no idea what emotion he saw, it looked like a cross between confusion and pure anger, which was.. weird. Humans were definitely weird, he decided.

Then again, with using the logic Evan had just used, he himself should be in a padded room. So really, he had no right to judge the human that stood before him, yet.

Slowly, he brought his wings from his body, stretching them out as he uncurled himself, mutely gesturing to his arm.

There was a silence that sat between them, as the stranger's eyes wandered to the direction in which he gestured, before he just, froze, paling at the sight. Evan eventually glanced back at it and sighed. Yeah, okay, that was a lot of blood, and by a lot, he meant like, a lot.

“What are you?” The man asked, stepping closer to Evan, a hand reaching out to him, before Evan yelped, devouring himself in a blanket of wings, and he heard him take a step back.

Being an angel, he was only slightly familiar with the language the tall man was speaking, and after what felt like an entire five minutes of him just trying to decipher what was being asked of him, he gestured to the sky.

And once again, the other followed his gesture, and once more, silence that followed. Instead of speech interrupting it this time around, there was laughter, and then speech.

“Holy fuck, an angel? Damn, whatever this new dealer hooked me up with is unbelievable oh my god. Dude, this shit might kill me before I even get the chance to do that to myself.” Another laugh, it was more empty, more lifeless, forced.

Evan only cocked his head to the side, opening his mouth to speak.

“Angel,” he nodded, gesturing to himself. “Fell, far from home. Help.”

If Evan had to sit through one more silence he was going to have a full blown anxiety attack and spend however longer he had to live just crying because this was stressful oh my god why was he doing this? Was this a mind game? Oh what if it was wait nononono he was so stupid.

“Fuck,” he breathed, shaking his head. The tall man sat down next to him, running a hand through his tangled hair, before tugging at it. From what Evan could tell, he was stressed. Yeah, that was fair. Evan was stressed too. “God fucking damnit.” He muttered, and stood up again. This time, he walked off without another word, and Evan's eyes were flooded with tears again and the panic was there and he distantly told himself that he was hyperventilating and that wasn't good but oh no the tall human was going to go grab all his human friends and they'd all have a bonfire and take turns roasting him because he heard that humans liked to do that because it was trendy or whatever and--

And then the tall man came back with a stick, leaning next to the trap and bringing it to himself. Evan let out a whimper and the tall man paused, staring at him for a moment, before getting back to work- trying to pry the godforsaken death trap off of his definitely broken arm.

Evan should be feeling relieved right now, he really should, but no, his anxiety clearly had other plans-- which were, of course, to make his life as miserable and as full of panic as possible. This tall man was going to free him, trick Evan into thinking he could escape, and drag him somewhere terrible oh no oh no oh no.

He began flapping violently, trying to shoo him away, unable to keep himself from crying out as the unforgiving teeth gradually dragged along his arm, causing himself to start bleeding again.

“I- fuck! Look, I just,” The man stepped back, throwing the stick onto the ground with a grumble. If it wasn't obvious enough to Evan already, this would have definitely confirmed that, of his assumptions, his guess that he was angry was definitely correct.

“Stay still, I don't need the blood of some bird thing on my hands, there's no way even I could handle that kind of guilt.” He inhaled deeply, he looked as if he was deciding what words he should continue with. “Let me get you out, patch you up, and both continue with our shitty lives, yeah?”

Evan's head hurt from trying to piece together what words he did know with the words that sounded vaguely familiar. If he had to compare it to anything, it would be trying to solve a puzzle when you were missing the corner pieces-- sure, it wasn't impossible, but it made everything way more difficult than it needed to be. So, he made makeshift “corner pieces” or, in other words, he relied heavily on the man's facial expressions and body language to help fill in any blanks that left his understanding of whatever was said.

The tall man seemed tense, but Evan could almost, almost say confidently that he was trying to calm down. He nodded, eyes going to his own arm, then back to the other.

..would it be too rude to ask for a name? He was distantly afraid of humans referring to something so out of the ordinary that Evan, although he probably could comprehend it with practice, would not have any motivation to because, because--

He shook his head (which earned him a weird glance from the tall man) as if to rid it of the thoughts running through it, or, at least to turn the volume down for now, put his worries to the side for just a second. Curiosity was getting the best of him.

Slowly, he gestured to himself once more, which earned him a weird look from the other. Despite how much he desperately wanted to, he kept pointing at himself while he willed himself to speak.


The other only blinked, and Evan was beginning to panic again.

Oh god he was making so sense he was too stupid whatever pity tall man had for him was gone and now he was definitely going to die even though that was the goal anyways but god he was an idiot for thinking he could escape this place and for thinking someone would help him do that and--

“Connor.” His voice broke through the screaming in his head and he nodded.

Connor. A beautiful name for a beautiful person.

Evan gasped at himself, hiding his face in between his knees. He could feel how warm his face was and he was already ugly enough and becoming the reincarnation of a tomato wasn't helping him at all-

“You've done this like, five times since I've gotten here. Maybe if you tried not freaking the ever living fuck out every five seconds, you'd have a chance of living.” His tone was harsh, and Evann didn't like it one bit.

Why couldn't he be like everyone else and function normally and not panic about absolutely everything that someone said to him because now Connor was pissed and he ruined it. He ruined his chance to escape and he'd be killed and end up being some ghost in a forest until some nice ghost hunter came along to help him but he wouldn't be able to move on because heaven definitely didn't want him back and he was way too pathetic for hell so he'd just be a lost and clueless soul for the rest of his life all because he was too annoying and Connor definitely didn't want to be anywhere near him and oh my god when did he start panicking? He's hyperventilating oh nonono Evan think of something to get him to stay please brain just work for once

“Guardian angel!” He blurted. Connor froze, he seemed.. nervous and-- oh, yeah, he was definitely pissed what did he do wrong now?? “I'm your… guardian angel,” Evan spoke again, whatever confidence he had five seconds ago had evaporated.

That was a lie. Guardian angels were, like, the best of the best. And Evan? Well, he was.. Evan.

“You're my guardian angel?” Connor laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. Though, any sign of amusement disappeared just as quickly as Evan's confidence did earlier. “Of fucking course you are, and of course my guardian angel ended up being some freak who can't even do their job right. I mean, that's just my luck, isn't it?” He ran a hand through his hair, now abandoning Evan's still very much captive arm too. He wasn't given any time to think about it before Connor continued.

“And to think, I was going to help someone whose only purpose was to screw with my plans today, but you know what? That's too bad.” He was standing now, and before Evan could comprehend it all, he was walking away.

Evan was alone once more.